The secret to dealing with people who tell you ‘you’re fine’

Today I am discussing the secret to dealing with people who tell you 'you're fine'.

In this episode I discuss how:

The reasons people say this
Why this comment affects you
How to deal with it
How to feel empowered moving forward

Show notes and the transcript can be found here: https://michellekevill.com/fine

Transcript

[00:00:00] Hello, everyone. I hope you are well. And if not, I got you. At least you are here. My name is Michelle Cowell. I'm a certified life coach and I help high achieving corporate gals just like you to start enjoying a job that you were once very passionate about. And that is through dealing with our big fucking feelings. Sorry. I wanted to talk to you today about the secret to dealing with people who tell you you're fine. And I think this is I've been waiting to talk about this for a while, so I'm going to give you a whole heap of stuff to really contextualize this. And you're going to move away from this being almost like, you know, well, like a secret, you know, a little secret because this does not affect me anymore. So I'll give you, like, what happened and why this episode popped up. I have a friend who is going through some challenges at work at the moment, and I was just telling my partner about it and I remember my partner saying to me, you know, why don't you just tell her to, you know, just be strong and positive and, like, things will work out and. Like from a coach perspective and just from from any kind of perspective and a person who's been on the receiving end of that type of feedback like we know that it is well meant and coming from the right place but is not fucking helpful.

[00:01:27] I feel really bad. My pod is going to listen to this to be like, why are you calling me out on your podcast? I remember hearing that being like, that isn't necessarily going to help her being told, you know, just have a positive mindset. In a way, it feels it can feel extremely dismissive of your own feelings. And I think we've all been in that scenario where I'll give you an example, say you've had a really rough day at work, like projects were failing. Your boss got angry at you. Stakeholders are really pissed off. And you come home and you're telling your friends, partner, people how you know what's happened and how you feel really mad and upset about it. Like you're venting like a company. If they fucking said that, like, I'm trying really hard, I just think I suck. And then the response is like, Oh, that sucks. But, you know, don't worry about it. Like, it's fine. Like, I'm sure you'll get over it. I'm sure it's just passing by. Like, maybe you should just, like, go for a run, or they'll give you a tip that they think you've never heard of before. Like the run thing. Like, have you just thought of, like like I don't know if you've seen any of those tiktoks where it's like, have you thought of just not being sad? It's like, oh, really? Not being upset and sad about this.

[00:02:46] Wow, I didn't think that was a fucking option and it can feel extremely dismissive. And I thought, you know what, this would make a great podcast episode because there is I used to get really upset with my family and my partner when I would hear comments like this, like giving little tips like, Oh, you should just do this, or, Oh, you're okay. And I want to tell you as a coach, like what's going on from their end and why you're internalizing it and how moving forward you're just going to get totally fucking over it. Okay, so let's get into it. Firstly, the reason I said this before that you are getting so potentially like really angry when someone tells you to not worry or you're fine is because it feels like a massive slap in the face. What you're likely hearing is your emotions don't matter. Your thoughts, your feelings, your perspectives are not real. You're overreacting. Shut the fuck up. And that is likely because of the thoughts you're having in response to that person saying all that stuff. Because for me, that's what it felt like having. Don't worry, it's like the dumbest. I still think it is the dumbest comment someone can I feel. And you know, I've said this as well, someone can say because it doesn't make any sense. Like if I couldn't worry, then I won't worry.

[00:04:19] But I'm worrying and I'm telling you about it. And all I'm hearing is this deflection. And that's the next thing I want to go to. When I look at the times when I've said it to someone, it is because I don't fucking know what else to say other than like, don't worry, it's going to be okay. Sometimes it was in almost like frustration and not frustration with the person, but my uncomfortableness with hearing that story and what the person was going through. So an automatic response or a deflection, I'm deflecting that. I'm like, go away. Thoughts and feelings about this horrible story that I'm hearing is, you know, don't worry, you'll fine like that reassurance. Here's the thing that person if giving you the reassurance of you're fine, don't worry, it's actually more for them. And that is what I have seen over and over again in my son, because I've done it as well. And with other people. When a person is coming to you and they are saying You're fine, don't worry, it is just them reassuring themselves. They cannot necessarily kind of fathom like don't know what to do. They don't know what to do with your story. But telling someone you're fine is ultimately a defense mechanism. It comes from a good place, but it is said almost to make them selves feel better. Not in a selfish way.

[00:05:49] Okay, I want to make that really clear because I have done this as well. It's almost like I don't know what else to fucking say. I don't want to say the wrong thing. So I'm going to say like, don't worry or it's going to be okay, or like, you're fine. Like, that's all I can say. What I alluded to earlier is sometimes it can be just an expression of almost like I've given you a ton of options and I don't know what else to say. So I'll give you an example. I have heard from clients and even going through it myself, where you're speaking with a doctor, going through all your problems, like I actually had the same thing. I'll give you an example with my SO I have an autoimmune condition and I went to my doctor basically being like, something isn't right, something is wrong. Like everything doesn't feel good. Like, you know, I told them all my symptoms and it was just like, well, yeah, you've got this like this, you know, you've got, you've got this autoimmune condition, but that shouldn't be causing it. There's not much we can do. Like. Like I like basically it's all in your head. And I'm just like, What? Excuse me? It's almost like I've run out of options to give you. So I'm just going to say, you know, you're like, you know, the results are fine from me.

[00:07:20] Like, from my perspective, things are fine. I don't know what's going on with you. It can sometimes come from a place of now, I don't know, as a church where they coming from, but it can come off from a place of either like I've given up on you or frustration. I know of other people who have gone to the doctor with their symptoms and you know, they're changing medications and they're doing all the right things, like eating healthy and meditation and exercise, and things just aren't feeling right. And the expression back is, is this disgruntled? Well, like get a positive mindset. Like you need to be more positive, which is one time when I had a psychologist kind of allude to, they didn't say it directly, but it was basically like, you know, Michel, meditation reduces anxiety by like 50%. Like, you're obviously this isn't the exact words and I'm laughing about it now because I'm just like, Oh my God. But they were alluding to the fact that it's like, well, you're not meditating hard enough, and there's like, nothing more I can do for you, so you're fine. And this isn't to say that every person I don't want you to go away from this and think that every person saying like, you're fine or stuff like that is actually being a dickhead. However, coming from both sides, I have done this as well.

[00:08:41] While I have been frustrated, I felt like I've given a person a ton of options and it's almost like, well. I think everything's fine. Like, from my perspective, everything is fucking fine. Like, what are you going on about? And these are with minor examples, by the way. This is like with family or something like that. And coming from that side, it's because in my mind, I'm having my own thoughts about a situation or scenario and I'm seeing absolutely nothing wrong. Like I cannot understand again, I can't. Ep, I guess you can say I can't empathize with the other person who is telling me, Oh my God, like this is really scary. So maybe to break it down really easily for this episode, it's like if you have a small child come up to you like your kid, toddler or whatever, and they're like, There is a monster under my bed and you're telling them monsters aren't real? Like, don't work, you know, it's fine, everything's safe. And it doesn't matter what you say. That kid still believes that there is a monster under the bed and you are just getting frustrated because you know that there's no monster under the bed. There is nothing to stress about. And there stress is likely making you stressed. That is literally what sometimes happens because their circumstance or scenario, the monster under the bed, your thoughts about it is it's not real.

[00:10:03] Their thoughts about it is it is fucking real and it's going to eat me. And here's the thing. What else, in a way do you say to a kid? Like, what else can you say to reassure them? Like, I can get a little bit frustrating. It's like there's no monster under the bed. You're safe. How many times can I tell you that? You're fine. And. Again, the kid is likely sitting there like like they genuinely believe that there is a monster in the bed and it's really stressful for them. And it is the same thing when we're hearing you'll find from other people sometimes they genuinely just don't see it. That thing that you are saying is super stressful just to them. They're like, Nothing's wrong, you're fine, especially if you are a high achieving person. Basically, I would say has like a high level of like they call it. Like for me it was like high functioning anxiety. I had a really good job. I had a partner of like, we're still together, we're engaged ten years. I have a house. I had everything put together, but on the inside there was just this low level hum of anxiety all the fucking time around. Everything. I had imposter syndrome. I was constantly trying to prove that I was good enough. But everyone will look on the outside and be like, But Michelle and nothing's gone wrong.

[00:11:28] You're fine. And I think in society as well with very external, what I mean by that is say my like my house burnt down or something like that. Like it's like, oh, it's something very overt. But when we tick all the boxes in regards to like our health, our financial stability, like housing, all of that, we can still be dying mentally on the inside, and yet society can dismiss it. One, it can be dismissed because, yeah, this is where a lot of shame came in for like myself and some of my clients as well around the fact that you have all these amazing things. People have it way worse off than you, but you feel really anxious and you have you genuinely have no idea why. And the second is going into that, this kind of is what you're going through even valid. Like everyone's telling you, you're fine, don't worry. And you start to question yourself a little bit like, well, I do have all these really nice things. I'm, you know, not not physically ill. Like, I don't have any serious disease. Like, maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm being spoilt or over the top, and all of that just creates a ton of shame. In essence, what I'm trying to get at is when we hear you're fine, we hear you're crazy. Nothing is wrong. Shut the fuck up. Here is the good news, though.

[00:13:11] You don't need to change them. You just need to change your thoughts. You just need to change your perspective. So, one, I've given you a little bit of perspective around where they may be coming from, which I choose to summarize in three key areas. One is frustration, like the little kid going up to you all the time and you keep having to tell them, Oh my God, it's okay. It's almost like they don't know what else to do. They are genuinely frustrated with what you're saying and they're just like, You're fine, don't worry about it. Forget about it. The next is different scenarios. Same with the kid. They genuinely cannot understand why you wouldn't be fine. They are seeing all this surface level stuff. You're doing all these big achievements and they genuinely like, but you're fine. I don't see anything wrong. They just cause just two thoughts to the same scenario, like with the little kid example. And the third is just genuine uncomfortableness. And it's like, I don't know how to deal with this story that you're telling me. So I'm going to deflect and almost reassure myself by reassuring you and saying that you're fine. And I've definitely I'm not going to lie. I've done all three. And the reason I'm giving you this insight is now when I hear it, I just go in my head, Oh, okay. This person just has, like completely different thoughts on this scenario.

[00:14:42] This person just doesn't like they can't see it. So recognizing where they're coming from can actually help you get the power back. Now, this isn't that. We just excuse it, but you have control around your own brain. And the reaction you have to that for me and others just kind of blocking it into like sometimes I would be like, okay, I just really frustrated or they feeling really uncomfortable. That would help my brain to kind of stop going into the hole. They don't understand why they fucking being like this. No one understands who like what I'm going through. I'm so alone in this, etc. because what is that go? How is that going to benefit you when you go down into that spiral of No one understands me and I am all alone, etc., it just creates a whole tornado of emotional turmoil within you. The next is, and I always say this when this does happen to you, I want you to fucking notice how you're feeling. Because you likely have a strong reaction, because when a person says you're fine again, it's almost like hearing like something is wrong with you. You are crazy. Like. And then you go and you kind of question yourself. You're almost like, Oh fuck. Like it's a whole nother spiral of, I shouldn't be feeling this way. That's why I say it's dismissive.

[00:16:12] I want I want you to do is just instead get really curious about what you're thinking, all those negative thoughts and what you're feeling in your body. Let your body have the reaction like go with it, don't run with it. Don't fucking pour gasoline on yourself and run with the fire and go down the whole massive spiral. Just watch the emotional fire within you. Just watch it burn. Just watch it for a little bit. Notice those physical sensations in your body and where they're sitting. Learn to process it. If you learn to process these emotions, when you hear your fine, you will get to a point like me where you don't give a shit. I know when I'm not fucking fine and I don't need anyone to tell me you're fine. It's like, that's all the fucking thoughts. I don't feel right or something's going on in my mind. I believe it. And I will go out and get the help that I need to fucking sort it out. That mindset is so much better than the whole. Oh, my God, I'm helpless like something is wrong with me. That's such a judge where you're at, by the way. But if you want to start dealing like this is the secret to dealing with people who tell you You're fine, this is the secret. And it's how you get to say this before your power back, because of how I had been like, socialized when I was a kid.

[00:17:40] So my family are very much like, if something isn't right in your body, like go seek medical attention, etc.. I have that mindset when the doctor said to me, Everything's fine. Like all the stuff you're going through, the physical stuff, like it has nothing to do with this and there's nothing we can do about it. If I just believed that, then I wouldn't have like, gotten the desperate help that I needed to physically feel better. And that is because I, in my mind, I was like, okay, they're misguided because of their own fucking thoughts. I'm going to get the help that I fucking need because I know something isn't right and I don't need another person telling me that I'm not fine. And it's just so much more agency from that place. I'll give you a corporate example. Say you have so much on your plate. There's too much as too many deadlines and things going on. So you go to your manager and you say, I need help. There's too many things going on. And that manager says to you, Well, I don't think it's a lot. There's too much, you know. There's like it's fine. Like, I don't know what you're talking about. It's not a lot. You can either take that as true. And then if you put that into a model. You may potentially like ruminate, you may get angry over it.

[00:19:01] You might just be like accepting of it and think, okay, maybe they're right and I'm an idiot or something and like potentially like burn yourself out. Birth is coming from a place of not only compassion for yourself and almost compassion for them, which I know at the start is really, really challenging because you can go and go and be like, okay, this is what you think and this is what I'm thinking and feeling right now and what I'm going through, and I'm asking you for some support, help and guidance and how we can move forward from this that is coming from a more empowered place, because I am not choosing to go with that kind of. You can say dismissiveness like, oh, it's fine to worry about it. It's almost standing up for yourself in a way. It's like, I hear you, and actually I still feel this way. I need help. Like you may not think. And they're allowed to think that. They may not think for whatever reason, their thoughts and beliefs that the workload is too much. But I am and I still believe that. And I need some guidance. I need to prioritize. I need to shift things. I am telling you, this is my capacity and this is something that I need help with. That is an example of me coming from a place of empowerment.

[00:20:28] For me saying This is a gap, this is something I'm struggling about and I need to work with you to either shift priorities like to come up with a plan so that there's like a solution here. That's coming from a place of empowerment and believing in yourself. You're not taking your fine seriously. You're saying, I hear you. I respect that. They likely have their own thoughts and beliefs. Again, that is totally fine. And here are my thoughts and beliefs. This is why I feel this way. I'm looking to you for some help and solutions so that I can move forward. That is going to very likely get you a much better result then stewing away, running away, getting angry, really being in the fire, etc.. The example may have also given you a whole heap of things like but what about if my boss is still angry? And what? How do I tell the difference between if it's actually out of my capacity versus my thoughts? Actually touch on some of this in my earlier episodes as well. So if you knew here, check out some of the earlier episodes, especially around the work stuff, I think it's going to be like I touch on this in more detail. But yes, the secret is dealing with people. Telling you you're fine is to just one understand where they're coming from and to process your emotions in the moment and then be an advocate for yourself, which is challenging.

[00:21:59] And seriously, if you're new again, check out all my episodes. Go through this. I literally teach you to be an advocate for your brain, how to process these feelings, start starting to believe in yourself. Because if you're coming here and this resonates and you're thinking, Oh my God, yes, I'm not fine. I was you two years ago. And if I didn't go out and find this work, I would have just kept on going, thinking, well, it was, you know, there's something wrong with me and stuff like that. There was never anything wrong with me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you either. No one has taught you how to harness your brain and how to process your emotions effectively. And this is the shit that I do and what I do to teach women so that they can go out there and start to live a better fucking life. Because I thought that there was no other way out. I thought that the rest of my life I was going to be an emotional wreck with all these big fucking feelings. And it doesn't have to be that way. So go out there and, you know, give give these a try. I remember what I used to do these at first that were really, really challenging. But yeah, have a go at this. All right. I will see you later. Bye.