How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings

How to stop complaining to your partner about work !

November 21, 2022 Michelle Kevill Season 1 Episode 71
How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings
How to stop complaining to your partner about work !
Show Notes Transcript

In today's episode I am going to show you how to enjoy time after work with your family instead of complaining

 In this episode we discuss how: 

  • How to stop complaining
  • How to stop being hard on yourself when you do complain
  • How to calm yourself down and feel better
  • Key tips + strategies 

Show notes and the transcript can be found here:

Hello, everyone, I hope you are well. And if not, I got you at least you are here. My name is Michelle Kevill. And I help high achieving corporate women feel passionate about their job again, today I'm going to talk to you about how to not complain to your partner, when you are getting home from work, something along the lines with that title that I also want to add that I am right in the thick of feeling my feelings today has been a roller coaster of emotions and processing. And I'm doing work right there with your people. So if I sound just a touch off the that is why but I'm giving the space for them to exist right now as I'm recording this because we can do big things. And we can build businesses and go off to dream careers and stuff like that, while holding space for those parts of ourselves that need to express some emotion. Anyway, so what am I talking about? Why is this problem some of you, this might not be a problem, right? Like some of you, you know, you've had a hard long day from work, you want to come home, you want to complain to your partner. But what I have been seeing a lot with some clients and friends is almost like a little bit of shame. So it's like, the fourth time that week or it's like a recurring pattern, right? Like every couple of days, you have this really big day, or sometimes not even a really big day, it's just you're a little bit off from the couple of days are really stressful, a lot of back to back meetings, a lot of stuff that was going on. And then you're feeling like really overwhelmed really sick of it. A lot of us I would say mask when we're at work, like, you know, we're not working to regulate our nervous system, then you know, kind of like gritting your teeth and holding it down on the inside and secretly wanting to like shout at the person on the phone. And then we get home to our loving family. And that's when we can be ourselves. So, big day work, lots of meetings, lots of deadlines, feeling overwhelmed, feeling stuck, like you're just stuck in the thick of it, just with everything that's going on with like, not just your job, but it's just like this almost sitting there at work looking at the computer and just being like, like, you know what, not like the end of the day on like a Friday. And like that other email comes in, and it's like a drama or something, or you're just like, oh my god, like, what are you doing right now? Why now? Like that kind of thing. It's like I get again, and then you go home from work and you don't get any rest. So you're traveling home from work, and you're just sitting there just like thinking about the day just like oh my god, and then have to go back to Morrow and this sucks. And then what happens is you you get home and maybe your partner's cooking dinner or you're about to start Gina, you've got your kids set up with you and you just want to offset you want to offload you've had all these emotions bubbling up under the surface. It is just so so much. And your partner asks how your day is and you just go full throttle. Like once that happens, the bottle cap is off. And you are just spin a whole heap of things is totally jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, and just going on about how stressful workers and how so and so the colleague was doing this, and it was really, really annoying. And now we've got delays on this, and I have to work back. And then this thing happened at like five o'clock in the afternoon and blah, blah, blah. And you can just kind of see your partner just being like, What the fuck? Like, there's a lot of word vomit for today, this is too much. And don't get me wrong, like partners 100%, I still think like, you're able to express yourself in a relationship, no issues with that.

Michelle Kevill  04:03
And what I can find, and what I see when I hear is that it's almost like you can just start to read their faces and slowly see it change. Or it's like it went from like, yeah, to like, really, this again, to a point where it keeps happening, you keep almost offloading emotion, because here's what happens, right? This is probably where your partner is getting, like, upset and stuff. You know, we all have a person in our lives where they'll, you know, go on about something and sometimes you just have to be in a good mood to hear everything that's going on in their lives. Otherwise it makes you feel really down. The reason it makes you feel early down is because you were just responding to all the stuff they're telling you like you're having thoughts about what they're saying. And it's like, oh, that's excellent. Oh, that's really depressing. And it's happening at a subconscious level. And then you're like, oh, that person makes me feel, you know, really down or like Got really anxious, etc. Not actually them, it's, you know, you heard my work before, it's your thoughts about what they're telling you. And you're just kind of absorbing all that and feeling a certain way. Or it's the same with your partner as well. So you're kind of you get a guy call it like a transference kind of thing, like, you're feeling a certain way, and really anxious or angry, and then you're offsetting that to the partner, and then the partner is feeling it, etc. Now, some of you who are longtime listeners might be like, but Michelle, our thoughts, you know, cause our feelings, yada, yada, yada. Yeah, I don't know if all your partners are doing thought work. And that doesn't mean you can't tell your partner anything. And I'm going to give you a tool and a trip, tip and strategy to kind of regulate yourself so that you can be present with your family, with your partner in the moment, how to have an open conversation about that. Because I don't doubt that it must be a struggle for you as well. So you can your partner and then they likely say something over time, they're like, can you please stop, please stop, just like you bring? Did you bring the energy down, you bring the negativity down the room. And like it's a lot for them. And then you feel bad, because you feel like well, my partner isn't my fucking therapist, and you feel a lot of shame. Like you shouldn't be doing this, like you shouldn't be acting this way. It's not like you haven't done anything wrong. Again, everyone. This

Michelle Kevill  06:21
is why everyone needs thought work, honestly, because now when similar thing happens to me, and maybe I'm hearing someone tell me a lot of stuff, I just work with my nervous system. And I'm noticing intensely what I'm thinking, and then some of you likely are like, Okay, I'll stop, I'll stop doing it. But the problem is, it builds up, right? Like it builds up over time. And you kind of just, you know, when you get home, we try to be mindful of it. You try to ask them how their day is, but then you can't help it and you want to offset a little bit and then potentially a little bit of anger because you're like, well, I shouldn't be able to talk about my day and have event etc, yada, yada, yada. So you're going between like anger at your partner or defensiveness, because you can't express yourself but also shame for you. Because you get it you shouldn't be bringing down the mood. And you're just thinking, okay, maybe it's just a really stressful period at work. Like I'll fix it. Maybe you think I just need to, you know, maybe do some overwork, you know, work back to get some things done. So don't stress about it. But the same thing keeps happening, right? Like you've tried all these things, you've tried that you've tried biting your tongue, you've tried getting a partner to talk first or try to change the subject. You've tried ignoring it. You've tried, oh, I'll work back or work here. And then I'll go, you know, I'll feel better. Do you fucking feel better? No, you don't, you don't feel better. Because trying to change everything around you isn't working, you need to change what you're thinking, okay? That's what you need to do to change what you're thinking in your brain. Because think of it like this, your brain has an empty jar, right? And what's happening is every day that jar is getting filled up with negative thoughts. Most of it is subconscious, I will tell you that. Right? Like you'll be I don't doubt there are days where you feel pretty good. But there is some subconscious shit just starting to fill up. And that jar is getting filled with like black sludge, right? And it keeps getting filled, and it keeps getting filled. And you come home with this jar of black sludge. And what you're doing is sometimes it's half empty, and maybe you kind of just show your partner like hey, you know, work wasn't too good. Here's, you know, like, like, here's my jar of back sludge, it's in the pond is like, oh, that's that's pretty gross, but I empathize with you for carrying that that's that's kind of sucks. Then every day, that jar keeps getting filled up with more and more black sludge. Everyone's job and capacity is different. Right? So people are really big jobs. People are really small jobs and people didn't have a good sleep. And now the jaw is has a crack in it. And it's like seeping out sludge. It gets to a point where that jaw is just filled with like black gross sludge, and you're carrying it around and then what's happening is everyday you're coming home. And it's like you're bringing it in. And the black sludge is like dripping on the carpet. You're putting it on the kitchen table. And you're just like to your partner Hey, and your partner's like the fuck is this? Why have you brought all this crap in here? I just cleaned the carpet. I just I'm trying to cook dinner and you're bringing this onto me. That's how it feels. And you and same time you feel bad. But you're also like, Well, I'm not trying to bring this ledge in. I do not mean to for it to be like this. I'm sorry that it's overfilling right now I have to carry this around. That's the metaphor that I kind of give when it comes to complaining to a partner. And when people are feeling really bad about that. So how do we empty the jar out of black sludge clean it out before we get it? Well, you start during the day just really, really start to take fucking note of what you're thinking. I know you've heard this before. If you're a longtime listener, and some of you are not fucking doing It's a big day. So you get a short, sharp, Michelle, Miss episode today, seriously start to take a note even if it's like a notepad so I use notes at my work to start to write down what you've thought. Or if you're not comfortable doing it on your work laptop or whatever, just do it on your phone, just a quick type away of what you thought whatever it is, it could be I fucking hate so and so I can't believe that made me mad. You really like this is good. This is a black sludge, I need you to stop being aware of it like what is it that you're thinking? What is getting filled up throughout the day? What are you worrying about and stuff like that? I'd strongly suggest if you're especially if you're new, take note of that for at least seven days, including the weekend. And just then look at it in a different headspace. Like, a week after, I don't know, one afternoon or night, whatever, just when it wasn't too bad. I just look at all those thoughts. start to notice and pick out which are the ones that I'm thinking a lot, which are the ones that I'm really attached to and going to start thinking when you think that thoughts start to recall back as to what

Michelle Kevill  11:13
situation had happened. Was it in, you know, last minute email on Friday? Was it an angry colleague or something? How did that make you feel? In that moment? What were you feeling? Because the black side you can call it thoughts also feelings as well, right? Because what you're doing another thing, what you're doing is a lot of you see, I guess what I started to do in my early days is I would say I didn't have a lid on my jaw. A lot of you have very tight lid on your jar of black sludge. And it's filling up and it's bursting through the top and sometimes it bursts. Right in the middle of the kitchen when you're at home and it just explodes and it goes everywhere. Some of you are not exploring this jar. I'm exploring the jar, I'm always exploring my jar, I've explored my jar today. It was filled with a ton of shit. It was not fun. You need to be looking at that and getting used to the sludge in your mind. Okay, this sounds a bit like okay, but how do I get to the part where I still complain to our partner? This is the first part of what's going on in your brain. What do you bring home with you? Again awareness are you thinking is key I want you to notice what type of sludge you have my sludge is going to be completely different to your sludge it's going to look re mine today felt really black and very with gunk in it. This is the metaphor that we are going with this is it makes actually makes a lot of sense to me. It's helping me right now to I'm like, Oh yeah, I was carrying a lot of sludge around today. I'm glad I clean that out. You need to get used to it. Why so you can get better control of it and know how to clean it out. Mine might need baking soda and vinegar. Maybe yours needs a lime I don't know. So awareness is key and you start with that. Then what you're gonna do in the moment you so you have some awareness Great. The next week, when you start you know, it's the same thing starts to happen again. In that moment, when it is happening, see if you can catch yourself if you can only do it once in that day. Great. That's fine. That's a fucking win. Good for you. Catch that feeling? Notice it, embrace it. A lot of you are on autopilot when you're at work, right? Like you're just trying to get through the fucking day. You've got meetings, you got things to do I get it, I get it. None of you want to be feeling your feelings. I really do get it because I've been in those days to where it's just back to backs and it's like, oh shit, there's a lot going on. Even if it's just like for three seconds, you catch yourself in the moment you notice that feeling? That is enough. That is the brain training right there. When you notice yourself in that moment, just notice label the emotion what is the emotion and anger and anxiety etc? Then see if you can just feel it for a second. Feel that emotion in your body. Now a lot of people ask me the fact is feeling I mean they're like I am feeling it and it feels like shit. No, you're not. Okay, if you are feeling heightened. Like it's really intense because a lot of you are not feeling it. You're avoiding it for so long, which is why your weekends feel like crap because then you're aware of it or when you come home you offset it to your partner. feel in that moment. Think of it this way you feel it now it's going to be a little bit less. When you come home and you're not complaining to your partner you get better at that you get better at like not throwing sludge when to your partner when you get home. And the way you do that is just by doing a body scan and notice In the physical sensations in your body, if you're new, I know it sounds crazy, listen to my earlier episodes, I go in detail about this, it fucking works, think of you think of you doing that is you just cleaning out the black sludge a little bit, like you've just tipped it out a little bit, you've reinstall it a little bit with water, it's not all out yet, but you've done a little bit of cleaning, you'd like watered it down. That's how you get rid of it. Now, why is this important? Well, the better you get at doing this, the better in the moment you get out processing that emotion, getting rid of that black sludge in your jar, it actually genuinely means you're going to be complaining less to your partner. Because what's happening is again, you're bottling up this black sludge, you're coming home, you're just like throwing it on that person. Okay?

Michelle Kevill  15:51
If you are the person that is coming home, and you're really feeling like shame, like I don't want to keep complaining to my partner, yada yada yada, what I want you to I want you to do is on your way home from work. Before you step out of your office, when you if you're working from home, I want you to just stop and sit and just gently recollect like what you what you just lightly touch everything you went through during the day, and pick up on some of those emotions you're feeling. And just start to do a body scan, start to let some of that emotion out. To start to notice the physical sensations in your body. Is it you know, just really, really hot in the chest are tight. Like what is it, let some of that emotion out, instead of letting it out onto someone else. The first time you'll do this, you'll still go out to your partner, you'll still complain etc. But the more you do it, the less you'll the less intense it will be. All right, the black jar, the jar of sludge is not going to go everywhere, because you purchasing it using it or cleaning it out before you go into the room with your partner and like like you said, dragging the mood down. Another tip as well. Because again, there are two ways you can do this one is thought work, which I still strongly suggest another thing is just I call it setting a boundary, I always say you can do thorough work or a boundary right? When I say a boundary, I don't mean some people think it's like a no you can't do that. Sometimes it's just being open and telling your partner like, you know, this is what I need. Like for me, when I'm in the thick of it, and I'm coming home, sometimes I'll say to my partner, I'm like, sweetie, I'm just going to complain and vent to you for like 1020 minutes. And I want you to literally just agree with me, don't take it seriously, I just need to offset this and stuff like that. And it's just a little time to moment. And I have that moment. And it's great. I suggest doing kind of that and being open with your partner and saying that whilst you're doing this work as well. Because, again, it doesn't happen straight away. It takes time. And I don't want you you know, processing the emotions, yada yada and coming out and still feeling stifled because your body is probably used to using that time to offset. So I don't want you to go like cold turkey the other way and be like, No, I'm just not going to, you know, I've done it, then I'm not going to do it now. And I'm not going to talk to my partner. Actually, personally, I think it'd be good if you can just just be really open on this one I'm going to do I'm just going to vent for 10 minutes. And then the rest of the time we'll talk about something else. Now if your body and brain starts, you know getting cranky or upset, etc do the same thing in the moment. Yes, you can still be present with your family whilst kind of noticing what you're feeling in your body. That's a way you're kind of letting it out. Just noticing like some matters romantically. If weight is a tightness in your chest, is it a lump in your throat, etc, you need to leave the room for a second, that's totally fine as well. Well, you'll find when you do this as you just gets better and better each time. And then you end up coming out and you the you won't feel as intense on the other person who won't feel as intense on you as well. You're doing all the processing before you come to that person. As some of you might be thinking, you know, I said it before the whole thoughts cause feelings and stuff like that. Yeah, they do. And this is just a solution that really works for some people, including myself when it comes to I don't want to bring the mood down at home. Because not everyone is going to do thought work that's the thing. And it doesn't mean you can't be yourself. It is as if this is something that you hear from your partner all the time. I hear a lot of shame about it, etc. One again, give yourself some compassion because you're a human to just be open with your goddamn partner. Be like hey, I'm gonna do this thing where I try to you know, process it before I come home when I come home I'm just going to vent for like 1020 minutes and we're going to talk about something else and if I seem a little off, it's because I'm you know, doing some of this work or I might be feeling it and stuff like that. You create a save space. And I think it's honestly okay to tell your partner or someone else to be like, Hey, give me this space for me to like do some of this work, you get a little bit better and better at it each time. And then again, it just doesn't feel as intense. Now, if you are a longtime follower, am I telling you to think and intentional thought to feel better? Or model? At the moment? No dependently you know, really where you're at right now, if

Michelle Kevill  20:25
you were just like, I just want to stop coming home feeling like shit and complaining, fuck semantic work right now awareness of your thoughts, all that type of stuff, the thinking new thoughts to feel but I kinda I'm going to tell you to avoid that if you want more information. Listen to like, seriously, first three episodes of the season, you can listen to all of that, it's going to tell you everything you need to know about it. The reason I say that is there's a lot of you are bypassing the feelings work and going straight for a happy new thought that you can practice and train your brain to think and believe. Yeah, you can do that. But the body still needs a black sludge out. You know what you do when you do that, because I see so many of you doing it. And I used to do it as well. All you're doing is you're getting like some, like, you know the plastic on like books with a cord like the lamination laminated stuff. But when I was a kid, we had workbooks and used to put like this really clear plastic laminated stuff, and you could put like, glitter, or pink. And I put like, I don't know, photos of people I had crushes on at the time, I don't know what it's called. But it's like you're putting that putting some fancy cover on the on the jar. And you're like, Oh, my God, look at my pink pretty jet. It's so nice. It's great. It's still filled with black sludge, you need to clean out the black sludge, you do that by feeling your feelings. Changing the jar and putting a pretty cover on it isn't gonna work yet. Until you clean out that jar of sludge, you're still carrying that around with you. Once you get rid of that, then you can do all the intentional thinking, and how do I feel better and stuff like that. There's your work as your work for the week. Awareness. What are you thinking, feeling those feelings, I don't want you going straight for intentional thinking. If you're a longtime listener, I know some of you are going to do that. Don't do it. Start with feeling it. Give yourself an experiment, like get your partner to potentially rate you at the start of the month or week or whatever when you do this practices and then see how you go towards the end of the week or something like that. And you rate yourself as well see how you go let out some of that black sludge. But I hope this has been helpful. And if this is something that you really struggle with, and you really want to start just being more present with your family, because think about it right like your kids or me my Furbabies they're really going to be this young for so long, you want to be coming home from work and almost switching off company like literally switching off completely. And just being present and enjoying a beautiful time with your family. That's what you want to do teach my clients how to do this at such a deeper level, we go through all the layers. If you have a black, you know jar of black sludge, I'm telling you like we go down into the moldy depths of your soul. And we, you know, I'm coming in like a cleaner. And we're getting rid of that mold. And I teach you how to do that for yourself. So that you can enjoy these beautiful precious moments, turn off from work and get the rest you need. And oh my god, you will start to enjoy and love your corporate job again. And considering that apparently we're going to be working until we're like 80 or 70. You might as well want to train your brain to really start enjoying life that you have right now. And I'm the gal that's going to show you how to do that. And again, I teach you how to fish I don't give you a fish teach you how to do it for yourself. You have these tools for life. So book in a discovery call with me one on one, I'd love to have a chat around how I can help you take your brain to the next level and get you to a place where you're really enjoying your job. You're not complaining or if you are it's just a little thing and then you're just moving on and just being present. Watching TV with the kids eating dinner, helping them with homework, and just really sitting there and having that moment like yeah, this is a good life. So booking that call with me and we can have a chat. Alright, see you guys. Bye