How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings

So you burst into tears infront of your manager? What to do next...

December 05, 2022 Michelle Kevill Season 1 Episode 73
How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings
So you burst into tears infront of your manager? What to do next...
Show Notes Transcript

In today's episode I am going to tell what to do when you cry in front of your manager 

 In this episode we discuss how: 

  • How to treat yourself when it happens
  • How to develop emotional resilience 
  • How to move on
  • Key tips + strategies 

Show notes and the transcript can be found here:


Hello, everyone, I hope you're well. And if not, I got you, at least you are here. My name is Michelle Kevill. And I help high achieving corporate women feel passionate about their job again. Today, we are going to talk about when you basically burst into tears in front of your boss and what to do next.



It's actually really common crying, I believe, or I feel is still stigmatized in corporate world. I want to get in all the detail about it. Yeah, for some of you, you may have heard a little bit about this in my previous episodes around, like the secret to stop crying in the mouth or in between meetings. But I mean, what do you do in also the actual moment, because this happened for a client of mine, where they just, you know, they weren't able to, I guess, run to the bathroom in time. And it's all happened at once. And there was a lot of judgment, there was a lot of shame. And there's a whole heap of like, just societal beliefs as well, that we're just applying to ourselves. And I really wanted to chat through the whole, you know, in depth scenario, why it's kind of stigmatized, why it's okay, why some people don't think it's okay, why that's okay, if they think that as well. And how to move on forward, if that does happen.



Alright, so let me like, but let me set the scene for you. Right. So typically, what I've heard and zero has happened to myself as well, is your your busy, crazy corporate job, there's so many things going on, as lots of things that you need to do, as lots of moving pieces, you kind of just Bob, you feel like you're bobbing on the surface, you're feeling overwhelmed, but it's almost like you can handle it. But you also know if something majorly breaks, like a project fails, or something like that, you're just gonna get pushed right to the deep end, and you're probably going to flip. But knowing you, you are very likely just you know, overworking, trying to ignore, you're just like, it's a busy period, like, it's fine, we're just going to move through it and it will be okay. Then you get a call from your boss. And maybe they give you some really like maybe they just give you some feedback. Maybe it's feedback on a project, or they just call you in. They're like, hey, when you talk about something, and they're giving you maybe some open, honest feedback, and you're just not in the right state to be absorbing all this feedback. And maybe you just in the moment, you're just like, oh my god, this is too much. I can't and you know, I know that feeling. You're like biting your tongue. You're biting down your tongue, you're biting corner of your cheek because you're like, I cannot cry right now. But I also can't respond.



You can't respond, because you're in that moment. It's like, Oh, my God has Elissa motion about to like pop up and I'm gonna cry. And then it happens. And then you can't stop. And then like a look on your managers face. It's a little bit like, Oh, crap. Like, no,



there's a lot of emotions going on. So many millions of thoughts are going on in your head right now. It's like you're stressed, overwhelmed, is all about emotion. And at the same time, you're like, I'm an idiot, I'm a loser. I'm too emotional. Oh, my God. You know, maybe you're told, like, let's just, you know, take a little bit of a break, you go away, you calm down, you're very likely Promise yourself that maybe I'll just I'll just never do it again.



But it does happen again. Now, I'm not saying Does it happen every time you get feedback, no. But it happens every now and again. And you judge and you shame yourself about it. And you reinforce the belief that you are this overly emotional person, and that you're too much and wear your heart on your sleeves, and you're not out and you're not made out for the rough and tough corporate world, you're just, you're too soft, which is a load of bullshit. And I'll tell you why in a second.



And maybe, you know, maybe you've done the self help, maybe you've done the therapy. Maybe you've done like meditation and stuff like that, in the in the moment. Maybe you've also even looked at like different types of mindsets and stuff like that. But nothing is still seems to be clicking.



So you just continue holding on to this belief that like you're an emotional potato, and that you shouldn't be like this. Think at the end of the day, a lot of you are trying to solve this problem by just hoping it doesn't happen again. But again, it does happen again. And you just what happens if you go through the same cycle. And I think the way you try to also think for the future like oh, like next time, what I'll do is I'll make sure I don't do x on this project, so that I won't, you know, get really flustered or I'll be more organized next time what you're doing is you're trying to do all these protective actions to stop you feeling a certain way. Because that's why you cried it's because you weren't you know, you had a lot on your plate. Maybe you didn't communicate that and you're like, Oh, I've just got to change some stuff. So I don't show up in that meeting, like crying and bawling my eyes out. Now some things are going to make sense. But there are some things that you're going to do that you're just going to hope if I do all of this like all these things and



act this way, I still won't get emotional in front of my boss. But what are you doing some of those things anyway, are you potentially I don't know, communicating your capacity, say no to some certain projects, maybe before you get to that state communicating to your boss that how you're feeling, a lot of you aren't. And then you're wondering, again, while you're so emotional. And the biggest thing about this problem is, you're ignoring it, you're truly ignoring how you feel in the moment. And then you're judging and shaming yourself when it does happen. And hey, look, I get it, like, because I've done this as well, myself, and it feels really embarrassing. And of course, you're like, I don't want to make that other person feel uncomfortable. But here's the thing, I'm going to tell you a little trick, that is going to change your whole viewpoint on this around. If it does happen crying in front of your boss, it's really not a big deal. And this helped me so much. And I feel like if anything I cry, like I will definitely with the thorough kind of stuff I've been doing in my career to set myself up. It definitely cry less in general. But I'm not being you mean anything about myself, I am having a fucking bad day. And I did just have a little wind or a little cry or something. Because at the end of the day, we're humans. This is why I'm here to talk to you about it. Because once I realized this, this is where you will keep stumbling and keep



going into the cycle. If you number one, do not change your view on you as a human being and your emotions as being normal, natural, valid, and upon a corporate. And I know some of you are going to vomit when I say that I did, I heard it. So here's the thing, you very likely



got some of these messages, one from society, you know, like, don't cry, I'm sure your emotions come up professionally and stuff like that. But I'd ask as well have a look and just your family life growing up how emotions are traded.



When you are having certain types of emotions, where you shamed or anything like that, it's really important because it'll likely pop up. Now, in regards to you having issues regulating some of your emotions. Second thing is crying in corporate world has traditionally been stigmatized, why, because at the end of the day, there is still the patriarchy is still very much alive, there are still aspects of that, that have stemmed down and is in the culture. The fact is, it's okay, if you have an off day, and you burst into tears, even if you're not having an off day, we seem to show up with this mentality of separating yourself as a human who has, you know, a past like things that are happening in their personal life and you at work, we try to almost make lose two separate things. Traditionally, I would say I would say over the last, I would say even decades like this is definitely changing. However I feel remnants of the old culture are still there. And then what we're doing is we're then shaming ourselves for it. And if we do not get the response that we expect from our manager, if you are like bursting into tears, then you just internalize that even further. Maybe it's like, oh, you're being unprofessional or something like that. you internalize it even further. And then you reinforce his whole story that you're emotional, oh, my god, stuff like that.



This is really important to understand, because my view has just changed completely. First of all, humans, humans, we're all gonna have emotions, it's fine. When someone is like crying, I do not make it mean anything. Like I'm just like, hey, something's going on. Let's have a chat. Here's the thing that I'm going to tell you right now, you're not always, you're not always gonna get people like that. And that's okay. And they're allowed to be like that. Some of you I'm potentially triggered. And I have said that, because I get it. In a perfect world. We'd all be like, you know, caring and checking in on each other and stuff like that. The fact is, not everyone knows his work. And everyone has their own opinions about how people should act. And that's allowed and that's okay. But you don't need to internalize that shit. And let it ruin your day career or whatever. If any one manager, colleague, friends, whatever is telling you that it is you know, it's too much it's unprofessional or something like that. That is their own thoughts and feelings on the same circumstance.



They are allowed to have it you do not have to take it on.



Why is this important? This is so important, because I put myself and my clients have done this to into this little shame bubble is shame bubble, where it's like you're stepping on eggshells. You're feeling like oh my god at any point, I'm just going to break I'm not like other people. I'm an emotional human being and I'm just going to cry at the drop of a hat. Then I realized that Oh, no, this bullshit. It's just all made up. There are just some people out there who think oh, this person is being too emotional. And then there are other people who are like, oh, like you're going through some emotions right now that no super lovely about it. Everything is fucking permitted.



it like there's no special rule or dogma that says you have to act like X, you can create your own rules your own path on how you want to show up as a human being, and how you want to treat yourself, regardless of what so and so or the manager is saying, or thinking or feeling. It could be that they just believe that and it could also be just some of their insecurities popping up as well. I've always said this, from the beginning of time, if you feel new have heard my previous episodes, especially when it comes to judgment, judgment is a reflection of someone's own insecurities being reflected back onto you. Now I use that story a lot for myself. Because, well, even if it isn't true, it just makes me feel ton better. Like, hmm, maybe that person made that comment about their age, because they wish I would, they were doing this when I was my age, I could be it. And I just have a whole heap more empathy for that person, I'm just like, up there just expressing it, because that's what we do. Like when we have it all inside ourselves. And sometimes we get a bit gutsy will like, let that opinion out. Could be jealousy, you have no idea, it actually doesn't matter. That just story just helps me to just because also, if I'm coming out as empathetic and compassionate, I'm probably just gonna have a better relationship in general. And, and it's smooth sailing, and it's okay. And that also doesn't mean you don't stand up for yourself as well. But in this situation,



being allowing yourself to be a full human being. It has all the emotions, that yes, can sometimes it happens and you cry in front of your manager, and you don't make it mean a big deal about yourself, you don't make it mean that you're too emotional. You don't make it mean, you're not a worthy employee, you don't make it mean that you're crap or shit. You just make it mean that you're a human, and that it is valid, and that it's okay, and you're going through a rough week or a rough day and you move on.



That is the best thing that you can do for yourself, regardless of whatever that person said, doesn't matter if you're there, your manager or not, or whatever, that person in that instance, isn't giving you what you want. Because I see this a lot of my clients, it's like, oh, like, I wish they would have said ABC or D. Why? Why do you need someone else to say it to you? Is it so you can then believe those thoughts? And then feel safe? Because right now you probably don't feel safe? What if you could create that reality for yourself? What if you could create that safety, that emotional safety for yourself, regardless of needing merit matter? Managers, or whoever to say that stuff, so that you don't berate yourself with all this crap? Like, oh, I shouldn't be, I shouldn't be acting like this, etc.



You can choose choose to do that for yourself. Regardless, I know it's hard. But that's where this all is thought work comes in. And all that practice comes in, you're doing it ahead of time, so that you are practicing to speak to yourself in a really calm, loving way, regardless of what the manager said, or did. You are holding that space for yourself to be like, okay, it happened. I'm just going to reconcile my emotions here. And then I'm going to go about like the rest of my day, that is so much more powerful when you can do it for yourself instead of relying on other people. Because this happens so much. We just expect at the end, don't get me wrong, obviously, it's nice when someone is nice to you, right? someone's like, Hey, I hope you going okay, like, let me know if you need anything that's nice.



It's when however, like, we're going to meet so many different people throughout our lives, and they're not always going to give us that. So if you're able to give it to yourself, you're not going to take their words, if they are not what you expect, like, Oh, you're acting really unprofessional, you're not going to make that mean something about you, you're going to take that away, and put yourself in pain, and have sleepless nights and worry about it and then worry about your future career. And then, like get even more anxious and get even more upset, like do you see what I mean? You take on that words, you do just take on more of the pain. Versus ha they said that thing. I'm having a reaction to it. And it's just their own opinion. And they're allowed to have that sounds strange. Because people I get it right, they're allowed to have that opinion. If that really irks you, and you're like, No, they're not allowed to ask yourself why?



And just keep going with it.



Keep getting to the root cause because the reason I wanted people to be really nice to me in those situations, is it because I couldn't do it for myself. Now, I don't care if someone you know is like, Oh, it's a little little emotional. They're like, okay, that's just as IRA as your opinion. And you're allowed to have it. I know either I'm I am an emotional human being isn't I have emotions, I'm regulating them. And sometimes I have off days, and I'm still a valid human being and I'm still a part of this company. That that is true self love, self confidence and belief in yourself. That's just like, hey, I'm here. I'm human. I ain't gonna let shit stop me. So how do you stop this from happening?



Well, you



You're not going to like me. And so



how you stop is by asking yourself, why you really think it's an issue. If you did cry in front of your manager, or have cried in front of your manager, I want you to start looking at all those thoughts that you're thinking, like, are you shaming yourself, you're telling yourself, you're too emotional and stuff like that. Because here's the thing. It's not actually you crying in front of your manager that you're worried about. It's how you treat yourself, when you do it, how you treat yourself after you do it. Tell your shame yourself. So if you can get comfortable with that, right, you can get comfortable with the fact that it may happen. And that you could actually redirect your brain, stop being self compassionate, not shame yourself, you're never ever going to be afraid of this happening again. Instead, it will happen. Right? It will feel way less intense, you will very likely communicate like early onset in that conversation that hey, I'm not feeling the best right now. Like, can we pause the conversation or whatever, you'll be able to be more open and honest. Because you've dealt with all the mind drama that you have about being a human being.



And my experience, it's happened so much less. One, I do all this other work to you know, make sure I'm you know, how I'm how I'm thinking and feeling if I'm stressed, you know, taking breaks, like all that stuff. You've if you're a longtime listener, you heard all my episodes, you know what I'm talking about? But secondly, yeah, there, it still has happened to me. And that's okay. I actually don't make it mean a big deal about myself. Now, I'm never worried if it does happen.



Like, it doesn't like how to explain it. It's not on your mind, right? Some of you after this happens, your brain is so freaked out like I don't want to ever happen again that you're so worried that's gonna happen. Or like you're thinking about it during that meeting. And like, I remember the time I cried in front of them and I made feel really awkward. Like, you won't be worrying about you will be freaking out about it, except that it could happen. And if it does, you will handle yourself with grace with love another solid tip as well. If in that moment, like I get it sometimes it's really hard to like articulate and one of the biggest things that I hear is oh my god, I made them feel bad.



One everyone has their own thoughts and feelings. But I you know, I get that can sound a little gas lady. Sometimes when it comes to this stuff. It's okay to be open or honest and just explain, hey, this is going on in my life right now, whether it's personal work or something like that. It doesn't have to even be a big thing. I just said, Look, I had like the when this happened to me, I had a couple of things on they didn't go too well. It got to me. And you know, I met you after all of this, I didn't get a chance to process it. It has nothing to do with you.



And you can do that if you get more comfortable and not shame me about your emotions, because some of you pull so far back, just hide into a whole, like, I never want to speak or see them again. Like this is terrible. Oh my god. Like is that how you want to live for the rest of your life, your corporate world, just being so scared to like be a human being? The way I see it is we like every generation and just every person coming in with new ideas and stuff like that we're changing the culture, the church culture is being changed every single year. If you are like this, you are part of that change. And I do not doubt if you are earlier like this, you are one of the most compassionate people when someone comes to you crying. If anything, people in your team purposely call you to get chips and cry to you because they feel safe. How fucking beautiful is that? Like we get the we get to have the power to create our own emotional resilience. We do not need other people to do it for us. And why do I say it that way? Because not everyone is doing this work. And you can't be relying on other people to be saying hey, it's okay. Your emotions are fine. Like you're gonna get people out there who have differences of opinion. And that's okay. You can take care of you who don't have to make their opinion mean anything about you or your career. You can be solid in your beliefs that you are valued you are worthy you deserve to be here. And yes, you're human with some emotions. You do some of that self acceptance work Fark. Doors are gonna open for you. It's such a better way of living. Let me tell you, I'm on the other side. And it's great. And if this is something that like you're like, yes, I want to feel this way. I want to be able to walk out a meeting or an accident leaves out or crying and like love myself regardless and like show up to work the next day. Totally fine. Everything's normal. Just get back to it. go about my day. Not be coming home worrying. I'll be like so fearful and just like, oh, this is too much. Then booking a one on one discovery call with me. I love helping women just like you



You just fall back in love with our corporate jobs again, ones that like when you started back in your days, I call mine yield days, who were just, you're so bright and full of energy and just excited to be there. Just to bring that spark back again is so beautiful to see. I would love to show you how to do that for yourself. So booking a call and I'll take you through your six month plan. All right, see you later guys. Bye bye