How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings

Everyone is struggling just like you! How to get over inadequacy

December 12, 2022 Michelle Kevill Season 1 Episode 74
How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings
Everyone is struggling just like you! How to get over inadequacy
Show Notes Transcript

In today's episode I am going to tell why you believe everyone else is a superhuman but you're a sack of potatoes (hint: everyone feels just like you) 

 In this episode we discuss how: 

  • Why you feel like sh*t compared to others
  • What stories you hold onto that keep you stuck
  • Why achieving things never makes you feel better
  • Key tips & Strategies to feel better

Show notes and the transcript can be found here:

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Hello, everyone, I hope you're well. And if not, I got you at least you are here. My name is Michelle Kevill. And I help high achieving corporate women feel passionate about their job again. And today, I want to talk to you about this perception that you have that everyone else is killing it doing amazing. They're super humans. They're just trailblazers. And you are just a sack of potatoes. Everyone else is struggling just along side you. It dips its toes a little bit into imposter syndrome, because I see this a lot with people who do have impostor syndrome. Just weird mentality and belief that I see a lot where people just put everyone else on a pedestal, and then they put themselves like 10 Feet Under. And then they kind of well isolate themselves. That is really what you're doing. And I'm going to talk about, again, why you do it and how to get over it. And I think it is so important. Coming up to the holidays, as everyone this will be the last episode for the year. It's been a wild ride, guys. It has been cheeses, like almost two years now. I've been doing this. Alpha has this podcast and all the episodes and even all of you listeners out there. How far have you come? This is amazing. Alright, what am I going on about? What am I talking about? This is where you get into work. And okay. Okay, so you get into work. You're starting a deck. And maybe you have one of those like huddles, those like morning morning huddles where like everyone is talking about what they're working on in the progress. Maybe there's sometimes I call them scrims as well, and everyone is going through the items. And so and so colleague who is a shining star, it has gotten that project delivered a little bit earlier than expected. And everyone including like the stakeholders, like Oh, that's great, that's awesome. And then that goes on to the next colleague, and that person is just killing it, they're on the ball, they do everything that is due. They're communicating with people, people like yet having faith, etc. Go on to the next person and a similar scenario, and they go on to you, and you feel like sack shit, you're sitting there feeling so fucking inadequate, your projects are not going nowhere near as well. There have been issues have been bumps along the road, you start fumbling a little bit, maybe your palms are getting really sweaty, and you just start, you just start thinking like Puck, like everyone else, is just doing so much like better and killing it than me. Like my projects aren't getting done early, they're getting done late, likely because of issues outside of your control. And you're just feeling sort of late. And now you're just like, Oh, my God, like, everyone just has it in the bag. You know, you're just talking to that person before the coffee. And they're talking about how they went to the gym beforehand. And you know, they're all bright and happy. And you are like tossing and turning a little bit. You couldn't sleep that well, because you're worrying about a project and you just feel like you're dying on the inside, you believe this so much that you just double down and you're like, right, I just need to Akata that's all I just need to meet where everyone else is at. I just need to keep going and keep pushing through. And that is what you do. The problem is it doesn't matter how much you submit, or how many things you get done early, or how many people are happy, or how much feedback you get, or how many times you ask your boss like hey, is there any constructive feedback, whatever. And, you know, it's like, hey, you know, you're doing really well, like maybe a little bit here. But yeah, it is an all you do and great. Yes. Still don't feel like you are enough. You don't feel like you meet everyone else in the room. People who you feel like have been there. Like they have so much knowledge, right? Like you go to them for help. And they just No, absolutely everything. You're sitting there just like wow, like, I have that level of knowledge. Yeah. Why don't I have that level of competence? And this is so common. And again, why it touches a lot on impostor syndrome. The problem is doesn't matter. It's, it's not what you do. It's not how many people you please or anything like that. Because think about it. Is it working right now for you? Are you feeling like it's enough? Have you gotten feedback that you are a gold star and that you're very driven and ambitious? And yet still, you feel like a wet napkin? You could just like kind of like in your whole leg? No, like I did not. It's too much. I feel like shit. I turn on my Mac. So change that. The problem is it has nothing to do with what you're doing. It's also do about what you're thinking like, have you ever stopped and noticed what you're thinking about yourself? Have you ever thought if you're constantly telling yourself no matter what you do, that you're not enough that other people are better than you if you're always trying to find flaws within yourself and compare yourself to others and if you putting them on a pedestal, it's never gonna be enough, you're never gonna feel good enough. And you just kind of keep hoping and waiting until some sometime happen. I got to know you'll get into a position, you'll get promoted, and you will feel like you are enough, you are smart enough like you meet everyone else. But it hasn't happened yet. No one tells you to look internal. No one says, Look at what you're thinking, and ask yourself why you're thinking that and inquire around where that came from. Because it's very likely a pattern you picked up somewhere along in your life that helped you then, but it doesn't help you now, it just makes you feel like shit. Here's the issue that if you knew how to do this, you'd be doing it already. Right? And you're very likely very action based. And it makes sense. You do a thing, you achieve a thing, you get feedback, you feel better for a little bit. And then later on you, you start to dismiss it subconsciously, or even consciously, and you're back in the same spot. Like how do you stop that pattern? How do you stop that? How do you sit in that celebratory like, Oh, my God, I did it. I'm a I'm a gold star and like really be in that. And especially if you're a woman, you are socialized to not do that and be fucking humble? Like, how many times have we been sitting there with other woman? And we're just like, hey, like, it's an amazing You did such a good job. And people like, oh, it's not it's fine. Oh, or it was a group effort. I hear that all the time. And even though sometimes, yes, it is a group effort. I don't hear men say Be proud of your achievements, like revel in that you're allowed to it is actually going to make you a better employee. And why not enjoy the fruits of your labor, enjoy the things that you've achieved, and really embrace that. Here's the issue. If you have done that, and a little longer than usual, it probably feels very icky. Because again, society has taught you to be fucking humble. And it's wrong to be like showing off yet mentor. If this stuff feels icky. If you're wondering, why can I uninstall, like, stop this, why, why even when I try to celebrate, it just doesn't really fit. It's because you need to first unlearn this pattern, you need to understand why this is happening for you, you need to understand properly, how to untangle it. So that you can, in your own way, really start to enjoy and embrace your achievements. And it'll start to feel more natural, and it will feel less icky. But that takes practice that takes a whole heap of societal undoing, you could say. So this leads into my next point around why you think everyone else is killing it, but not you. What your brain is doing is it wants to give you more evidence that you fucking suck. So what it does is it puts everyone else it makes everyone look like they are amazing. And then that uses it against yourself, you'll notice when the other person is getting feedback or submitted a project early, and your brain is like, See, here's why you suck. This is why you aren't that very good. It wants you to stay in that place. Because being in that place has kept you safe for so long. Now, what do I mean by safe? I've heard this before some of you have said to me like Michelle, I'm not in any physical danger. Listen to my earlier episodes. If you were like even when you were a child criticized for showing off, and maybe you were scolded as a child, and you learn to be humble, that's that part of you, that's like, I want to protect you from that I want to protect you from the criticism of other people. So I want to keep you low. I want to keep you striving and constantly wanting to do more. And it feels like a very natural and good thing. And society praises that. The problem is it's coming from a place of scarcity. And you're just never happy. Like you are doing it from a place of I need to fill this empty void that I have because I don't feel confident and I want to get this next promotion versus I don't need this promotion because like it's part of my goals and it might be cool and stuff like that and and I can fucking do it. And if I have learned anything from working in corporate and doing what I do as a life coach, I am telling you right now, every single person is doing the exact same thing you are doing. I seriously, I made this because before I found this work. What had happened was I as you know, I was really struggling with my new job. I was like oh my god, and there was this other person. I thought they were amazing. They were on fire. They knew so much. And they had only been there just a couple of months earlier than me and they just knew so much and I was like oh my god.



Later on I found out that they were going through the exact same thing that I was going through Like all the physical symptoms I was having like diarrhea, couldn't sleep losing weight, they were having the same thing too. And they thought the same thing about me just laughed, like, oh my god, this is why I'm so open about this stuff. Because we're all human, and we're all going through stuff. And at work, we're very likely use it putting on a mask and just showing or trying to show our best selves. Rarely do I hear are we open with each other, and maybe some of you, some of you are maybe with some of your close colleagues, but really roll with each other to be like, Hey, I'm actually really fucking struggling. Or sometimes I think I am a sack of shit. And even the really senior people that you look up to, they are thinking the same thing, but they're just at a different level to you. I don't mean that in like a, you know, like a hierarchical way. But they're just at a different part of the journey. And they're dealing with the same things like they're looking at the, you know, upper people or whatever do is saying the same thing as you. And here's my question to you. What if I told you, you could get those three promotions to fucking Saturno CEO even right, if that's what you want to be? And oh, maybe you want to be like a massive manager of like a whole department, right? Do you want to continue feeling this way? Do you really want to get to that level? And still go? Ah, but I'm not like that super senior person who owns multiple departments? Is that really what you want to keep operating from? It's likely No, but you just don't know how to get out of it. Humans are very self centered. This is another reason why 100% believed this, not just from seeing it and hearing stories. But if you look at the research, we are just so in our own heads, how many times have you done a presentation, you pick yourself on all this stuff, but then you'll talk to a colleague and they're like, Oh, I didn't even notice that. You did fine. Like we are very self centered human beings. And it's part of our wiring. We want to like fit in with everybody else. If you want to get over this mentality of like you versus your team or everyone else and stop putting people on a pedestal you really need to well listen to the episode and impostor syndrome, because it does touch on this this is really, really defense mechanism. But also ask yourself like, why why put them on a pedestal? Like what the fuck do you gain from that? Seriously, we don't challenge our own Damas thinking. We don't sit there and go, Hmm, here's me making myself feel like a sec shit and putting everyone else as a superhuman. Helping me enjoy my job helping me like, feel good about myself. No, like, what results are you getting from this right now? What are you getting from berating yourself, comparing yourself to everyone else? Putting on this mask, and just pretending that you like everyone else is a superhuman and you're not? Nothing like like, well, well, really what you're getting right now, which probably is just a very lackluster job, feeling really deflated and constantly feeling inadequate. Okay, so how do you start to feel adequate? You need to work through some of your internalized like shit and your patterns. I need you to be asking yourself, Okay, where did this start for me? Were like, really high expectations set for me as I was a kid was I praised a lot at school or at work. I receiving loving care as a child, when I achieved many things. Was it a very competitive household? I don't know. I try to identify that. Because what's happened is your brain is like, Okay, this works. This is how I get my attention. And I'm now going to, like continue doing this into like, my adult life. Problem is You're not a kid anymore. You're in the real world. And all this is doing is making you anxious and scared. And when you're anxious, when you're scared, you're turning off the thinking part of your brain. And you're not articulating things and you're not solving problems and you're in this really like depressive state. And trust me, I have been where you are at. It is not fun. And you did not get out of this hole magically. But you start by really thinking about just taking note of what you're thinking. How are you comparing yourself to others? What is it that I learned growing up? That made me have to continue thinking that I'm inadequate? And what are those really root thoughts at the end of the day? For me, it was just like, the root of absolutely everything for me, was I'm just not good enough. That was it. And I just learned that because I was praised a whole heap for achieving a ton of things. And so what does my brain do? It wants me to be in a constant state of achieving and striving, if I'm happy and accepting and celebrating things that I won't get the love and attention that I deserve. So I got up my brain is gonna make me feel like shit. Sort of mean, you start to understand this, you start to have more control, because you're like, oh, fuck, it's just, it's just like cogs on like a wheel. It's like cog one starts turning, and that initiates cog two, and that initiates cog three, and we just got to replace the cogs, we're going to replace it so that when you're seeing other people achieve, you don't fucking care, or you're just happy for them, because you know, that you are just as worthy as them. And you can achieve those things as well. Also, listen to an episode that I did on self worth. The number one thing that I do with my clients is this, the best fucking thing you can do for your job, and for yourself right now is to stop tying your worth to your job, I'd run on this all the fucking time. And people look at me shook. Like, what is my purpose, then it's like, yeah, you have a purpose outside work. And I guarantee you, you develop your own autonomy and just self away from that, you will become a better worker, you'll become a better person, you will enjoy your job a whole heap more, because you're not putting a ton of pressure on yourself. You're not making yourself comparing yourself to others will be feeling inadequate, could not imagine living the rest of like 3040, whatever many decades left, feeling inadequate, and my corporate job, if I did not have a coach to take me through this, to take me through my brain, to take me through the tool that is going to help me understand, oh, this is what's happening in my brain. And this is how I need to unlearn it and move through it. And of course, I can't believe I'm droned on this a lot in the episode as well. Feeling your feelings because you like very likely, as you start to change some of this, you'll start to feel really anxious, you'll start to feel like so your brains like going out I don't want to do that I want to celebrate, I don't want to force myself because it will feel like forcing it first when you celebrate your achievements. When you instead of berating yourself and being like, Oh, I suck. And though someone's always doing better, and you just guide yourself and you're like, and I'm doing the best I can, you'll just it'll feel gross. You've got to be able to be gonna be okay with that. You got to be okay with not being okay as part of this process. Because your body is freaking out. It's like I only know this one way. And now you're telling me a new way. And I don't know if that way is safe or going to keep me safe. You got to prove that to yourself. And it does start with taking a leap of faith. The biggest leap of faith that you can make in yourself is to go all in and invest on yourself. And book in a one on one discovery call with me to find out what your six six month plan is going to look like. I love doing this for people. I love seeing them get to a point where they can come to a session with me. And they are just doing the tools they just you know and I'm just like giving them some guidance there. I'm like shit, you've got this all together like you know what you need to do. These are tools that are going to help you all in love with yourself and your job again, it's going to make living just feel a whole heap easier. stead of this inaccurate inadequacy and feeling like a wet napkin. Just like everyone else is doing better than me. You're feeling just as confident as them then people are gonna be like, Oh my God, look confidence you exude exhume, exude, you know what I mean? The confidence that you give off, he will be noticing that you'll be walking in feeling equal regardless of any seniority. You will get to a point in your career where you will look back and you'll be like, Yes, I'm so glad I did this now and set myself up to have a long lasting career where I was truly able to manage my mind was able to drive the direction of my career. But that is only going to happen when you book in a discovery call with me to see what that is going to look like. That is all I have for you today. I'm gonna see you mid January. We go restart and do it all again. Have a lovely break. I hope some of you are taking a bloody break because