How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings

The no #1 thing that's stopping you from loving your job right now

January 23, 2023 Michelle Kevill Season 1 Episode 76
How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings
The no #1 thing that's stopping you from loving your job right now
Show Notes Transcript

In today's episode I am going to tell why you the no #1 thing that is stopping you from loving your job!

 In this episode we discuss how: 

  • What is stopping you from loving your job
  • Why changing jobs, careers etc is a temporary fix
  • How this #1 can be changed
  • It's impact on your work life balance

Show notes and the transcript can be found here:

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Hello, everyone, I hope you're well. And if not, I got you, at least you are here. My name is Michelle Kevill. And I'm a life coach for high achieving corporate women that want to feel passionate about that job again, welcome to today's episode, we are going to be talking about the number one thing that I see in my clients that stop you from truly loving your job. To be fair, it's probably like three things, but I'm gonna put it into like one episode, just so many common traits that I really want to share with you. So that again, you can start the new year when whenever in time, you're listening to this, implementing these real life strategies to just make your job and in essence, your life, way more enjoyable. So we've all been there, right? We come back from holidays, we're starting to do our work, we're starting to get back into the swing of things are at lunch with our colleagues, they've likely come back from work to summer holidays, as well, you know, they're chatting with you. And they're like, Hey, how's it going? And there's just this kind of deflated sense of like, Yes, go on, okay, it's back to work. It's kinda like, men in the 50s, who talk about their wives as like an old ball and chain. That's the energy I'm talking about when it comes to really just hating your job. And the problem is we kind of normalize it, we talk about all the time, I was like I have I want a million dollars, like, I just straight out leave, like, I wouldn't be dealing with this shit. And we just keep reinforcing that everyone, you know, it's okay to really just not be super passionate about your job, and to not love it, and just just be like, Man, we wish that you weren't here. And really, at the end of the day, what you're thinking is just like, it is what it is. This is it. This is all I got. I just got to work till I die and just get to, you know, what is it like you live for the weekends, and not long enough. You wish you had more leave, wish you could take more time off wish you could just win the lotto soon so that you don't have to do this. And what likely ends up happening is it gets to a point where it's too much. And you think the way to solve it is to just change jobs, change careers, like that's what you think is gonna make you happy. It's like, wow, I just got to do a massive career change. And this is what worked for me. And it can be massive in as in like a completely different field. Or it could be like, Alright, I'm going to move to this new company, it's going to be so much better there. The problem is, and I have seen this in so many people, I've seen people who have shifted from like, teaching to corporate from corporate to teaching, and it's the same mind drama. It's like shit, this sucks. Not at the start, the start is fine. But then over time, you start to hate it. It's almost like wherever you go, you just keep hating, you end up hating your job. And then what happens is we normalize it. That's just life. Like no one's supposed to like a job you're meant to be. Hi hating, but disgruntle you meant to be like, Oh, Mondays, oh, Sunday, scaries. And this Sunday blues, like all that type of stuff. It's like, this is the cycle and we just normalize it and accept it. The problem with this is the problem with just accepting as it is, is it's okay for now. But you will get to a point in your life. It may not happen now. Or it may have already happened. I guarantee you it happened to me a few years ago, where you have just come out off a massive project, you are completely burnt out and you were looking at your life thinking oh my god, is this it? Is this going to be my life for the next 30 years? Just working until I die. And yet everyone around you is telling you that? That's just life, sweetheart. That's fine. Like yeah, all students stop complaining, you should be happy. And it's like, but you're but you're not happy eruptions or change your job. Change your career. You don't want to do that you'll you actually just want to be happy with where you're at. You want to enjoy what you have. You want to stop creating mental drama, you want to stop bringing all that mind drama from the rest of the day home with you. And yet the options you're given just complete shit. I'm sorry. They're not great options that I feel from society. It's just, you know, accept it. This is what it is. You know, go for a walk or take another holiday. No one ever looks internally talked about this last week around, you know, the voice inside the house. No one ever says hey, maybe you need to change how you're thinking. And I hear you at the time you're gonna be like, No, Michelle, I don't want to be practicing the mirror that everything's lovely. Like, people think when I say you know change your thoughts they think to accept crap. Know what I mean? See, and start to develop what autonomy Meet you do have start to believe that you are worthy start to see the good things that you create. You start practicing that and doing that over and over again, you start to truly believe it. And the smallest example I can give is where if you are working, if you think you have to work back to 10 o'clock at night, work back till fucking 930. See what happens the next day and slowly bring yourself back, you'll start to realize that hang on a minute, am I actually why am I choosing to do this? Is there a deep compulsion or belief that I've just kept carrying with me that I have to keep working, you start to realize you have more control over your life in how you want to live and how you want to see yourself. That is what I'm talking about. Ultimately, it's really just, you're seeing purple all the time, or you're telling me is purple, and I'm saying you can take off your you're wearing glasses, you don't know you're wearing glasses, but you're wearing glasses, and I'm like, you can take them off. And you can put on these types of glasses, or you can put on glasses and you can, you know, figure out you know what, I like these things, but I don't like these things. I realize I could stop what overworking I thought I had to do it. I believed so much and had so much evidence that I had to keep working back and do 50 million things. And I kept asking for more work. I never asked myself, Why am I truly doing that? I just the answer I gave myself when I did do that was, oh, it's part of the job. But I never went any deeper than that. I never said well, why do I think it's part of the job, and never kept going and challenging myself and questioning myself to realize that I'm holding on to deep beliefs that keep me stuck like this. And it's from what we've learned through in society, it's from childhood, it's a whole heap of things. That is what this work does for you. When you can start to do that, you start to realize that hmm, I don't like myself, or I put really high expectations on myself to achieve all the things and when I'm not achieving, I beat myself up hmm, I am creating pain for myself. Hmm, how can I stop being addicted myself? And is this type of stuff that I'm talking about the challenges, it is hard to see that for yourself, which is why I'm so big on coaching. And then I'm a coach myself. And I get coached because I'm taking my coaching work at a really deeper level and doing things that are really, really hard, very, very hard. And I need to learn and refine that skill as well and learn how to do that for myself. You know, when you have a friend talking to you about an issue, and they can't figure out what they want to do. But you know, instinctively it's like, oh, for everything you're saying this is what you want to do. Now like oh, yeah, like like, thanks. It's the set. You know how but you know, you can see it so clearly. And you're a little confused as to why they can't. It's because they're in their own brain. It's the same with you to say when you come to someone, you're like, hey, I need an opinion on this, this and this. And they're telling you I think you use is what you want, like this is what you want to do. You want to do X, but you're afraid because of blah, blah, blah, you're like, huh, how do you see out side yourself? How do you do that for yourself? That exact scenario instead of a friend as opposed to you being a friend to you. It's a challenge. And it's a skill that you need to develop and then you can apply in your life, what it gets you is really loving your job again. And that is what I do. And that is my little story and segue into the main episode today, which is the number one thing that is holding you back that I'm going to point out right now, and I'm going to get you to start challenging and looking at the absolute number one thing, the most common thing that I see stops people from truly enjoying a career that they have chosen, is their self worth. Do you truly believe that you are good enough? Do you believe that you are valuable? Do you believe that? You meet all the achievements that you've met throughout your career? Or are you dismissing them? Oh, I just got this job because it was like, Oh, I just got promotion because you know, it was a fluke, so and so left? Do you discount your achievements? Have you ever asked yourself why you do that?



Because when you're in a state of scarcity and fear and needing to prove things constantly to yourself, that you are good enough through achievement, accolades getting good feedback from everyone. It will never be enough. You never get to a stage where it's good enough. You just keep striving and striving and striving and you're in a place of I hate everything this X, etc. You never get to enjoy what you have. So that leaves you in just a place of this new wanting to move forward or, like, you get to one step. And then you're like, I want to move to the next step, and I want to move to the next step, I want to move to the next step, you don't enjoy the journey. But on top of that, you have a reading like this, it's actually not that that really is the kicker, it's not fun. The biggest kicker is when shit happens, right? When a project fails, when something goes wrong, your brain will then use it as evidence as to why you are crap and make it mean something about you and your abilities. That is what happens when you have no self worth. And when you tie all your self worth on an external thing such as your job. That is what creates so much pain for my clients. And for you listening right now. You the number one thing I teach my clients is we got to work on separating yourself worth from your job. Why? When the biggest thing that you're gonna get from this not just a general more enjoyable experience, like oh, yeah, I'm loving where I'm at right now etc. When a project fails, you will not make it mean anything about you. You will show up on a like neutral, series A you will show up neutral, and like okay, what do I need to do to fix this? Pat is such a better place to be in, then running off to cry in the bathroom, working back frantically trying to fix this thing, hoping that other people are okay with you and not going to be mean to you. Because if they're mean to you, that would just reinforce how much you suck. And I'll make you feel bad because you're likely a people pleaser. Like you're just trying to control everything. And it shows you big sense of what you don't control to and your brain doesn't like that. But what's going to be better that frantic energy, you're like, oh my god, I fucked up or ha an issue happened. Interesting. What do I need to do to fix this, you'll be turning on the thinking part of your brain. When you make things mean things about yourself and your abilities. You turn off your thinking brain, you turn on your stress response that kicks in it thinks it's a direct threat. And it's like, Alright, I'm just gonna redirect all my energy into your adrenals and pumping in cortisol and weed, you do not need that. You need that to run away from a bear. You don't need that. When it comes to figuring out why this project, you know, went to crap and didn't go out on time or something like that. You need the thinking part. You need to be calm, that you don't guess why, how lovely is it to feel calm. When a project breaks. Because you're going to like so many good things, you will feel better, you will just show up better, you will prove that you can handle stress really well. And you end up like it's it's a win win for everyone. It's a win win for your company, and it's a win win for you. It doesn't mean you don't care. If anything, your care factor is on way too much. A lot of my clients including myself back in the day, the care factor is on excessive. You're like a baby smothering the child. I may have triggered some people. You are like taking the baby and wrapping it up in bubble wrap and constantly checking on it. And everyone was leave aside and you're like, oh my god, is it okay? And it gets like any cut. That's that's what you're doing right now. And you're killing it. It's not enjoyable to be in that versus taken off the bubble wrap. You know what? It's fallen a little bit. It's bruising, it's nice sometimes and just being there to support it when it's in pain. And it's like, Yep, I'm here and I can help you and I can do a little that takes way less pressure off yourself. So really have a think about just ask yourself, Are you worthy, separate from your job? If your job just disappeared? Right? Let's say like you have no job and not from a financial perspective. I've said that to people no buy gold. No, that's horrible. I have a mortgage and rent I'm like no, no, not like that. Let's just pretend like I don't know if aliens came to the planet and they will like y'all can go on a holiday or something like Oh, robots. I don't know, whatever. Let's just say you didn't have a job. Would you still be worthy and inherently valuable? Would you have a freakout and be like oh shit, well, what does my life mean? What do I do? Because if that's your answer, I'm telling you right now you not you don't believe you are worthy and valuable just for existing and that is the work you need to do. You need to separate it from something external. Some of you I've had answers where it's like well, I'd probably like that they just move on to the next project. Next thing is like, oh, yeah, I want to do like this pottery thing or something like that. I'm like, Oh my God, which is fine. There's nothing wrong with webbing. Okay, I want to take up this passion. Are you going to let that passion make it mean something about Aren't you then are you going to do the exact same thing? Or do you want to truly believe that regardless of what I do in this world, I am inherently worthy, I am valuable. I create amazing things in this beautiful world. And I'm unique and special. Separate from something external, a lot of you aren't doing that. And it's just going to create a such a better existence for you. This is truly the number one thing because it will lead on to my second thing. When you believe you are worthy, you believe you are the most important thing like your brain is your best asset. Like you need to be taken care of you will then like a child almost right? How do you take care of your pets or your child, like, you know, you feed it and you know, hug it when it cries, etc. You are there for it emotionally and you give it love. When you develop a sense of worthiness within yourself, you will it'll be 1000 times easier to implement workplace boundaries, clear workplace boundaries, they get muddled up for a lot of my clients when you're not like you don't see yourself as worthy. So you feel like you owe something to your job like and literally it's your soul. It's this belief that I have to keep working, I have to do all the things I got to prove myself, etc. When you believe that you're inherently worthy. And you start treating yourself like you do your child because think about it. Are you pushing your kids if the kid was like tired or sick or something, and you're like, now you have to like work, you've got to like, prove yourself to me? No. So why are you doing it to yourself? Because you likely have all these deep beliefs that you're not good enough. And you know, you proving yourself. When you handle that workplace boundaries get 1000 times easier. Because you start to realize that oh, away, I'm overworking. And I don't have to do that. I'm doing it to prove something to myself to just prove that I'm a good employee, or because my brain is like, right, do it so that people think that you are a hard worker and stuff like that, and we get good feedback, what have you i No one to not feel compelled to check their phone after work or emails on the weekend. This is how you do it, you don't make your job define who you are as a person and I Guaran T. Guarantee, once you start doing that, you end up doing an even better job at work. Because you're taking care of yourself. You're like right now how you're operating is if you're a computer, you have like 20 tabs open and you've got like a million updates that need to go through. And you're like, No, no, I just gotta keep working, I gotta keep working. And I'm like my guy, if you just like close all the tabs, restart the computer and do all the updates, which will take a little bit of time, you'll operate even faster, you got to slow down to do more that seriously how it's how our brains are made and wired, you get all this creativity, like think about it, a lot of your good ideas are likely coming outside of work or when you're like, you know, at the gym or something like that. So because you're in a different state, and you can tap into that better Cup, the only way to do that is to take care of yourself. But you've likely, you know, like everyone else going into this mess of societal belief. And it's like, we've got to be productive, we got to keep doing well, we got to keep going and we just gotta give it and it's like we got to do more mumble mumble mumble. I've done a whole episode. It's like episode, I want to say something about productivity. I just looked at it. workaholism is not a flex, that episode tells you a whole heap around. Just if you are so curious like me as to why? Well like this, even though there is a ton of research and evidence showing that like slowing down, working less ends up getting us to do more, that episode goes in detail about it. And as a society, we're still kind of unlearning that we're getting better at it. I feel like the pandemic actually facilitated some of that, like this whole, like hey, reassessing our lives and slowing down. It's just that it's an ingrained pattern that you've heard this whole time, like, you know, work hard, you know, work hard, play hard, you know, you'll get all get all these things we work hard.



It's not about it's, it's about working smart, really. You still work hard, but not in a way that's against your nervous system in a way that it's like, you know, we hear all this celebration about like, you know, working late into the night or I worked on the weekend and stuff like that, and it's like, I don't like it. We believe it like shares loyalty. We believe that it's like a it's like a badge of honor. And no, like, you're just like, at the end of the day. What I hear is I'm like okay, so you're a computer with 30 tabs. They're open, and you've got updates need to run in the background, like what I want. And what you want to be for your company is someone with a fully refreshed, your brain is turned on, you calm and all this shit is happening. To do that you're going to unlearn a whole heap of messages. But the best way to start is with your self worth. Start really asking yourself, do you believe you're worthy? Do you believe you're inherently worthy? If you don't believe that? Which of you listening to this? You likely don't? What are you tying your worth to externally? What is it? What are you making your job mean about you? And why do you think you do that? Like, what did you learn growing up? What did you hear from society? My free workbook which will be in the show notes here will help you go through some of this. It's called The Secret to stop crying in the bathroom between meetings. If you are new, this is fantastic. I've got some great prompts to get you like it guides you through what you need to understand about your brain about what you grew up in your family about society, and really gets you to see at a high level. Oh shit, how am I doing this to myself? It gets you to see outside yourself. It is a guided worksheet. I fucking love it. It just summarizes and condenses everything down that I wish I knew two years ago. So go check that out. It's on my Instagram. link in the bio. Also in the show notes. Yes, I just wanted to highlight that because I'm like, that will help you if you want something more guided. Anyway, that is all I have time for today. I will see you next week. And if you're looking to take this work even deeper and really show up for the New Year 2023 actually finally being the year that you genuinely love your job without having to change and move every single time booking a discovery call. I want to show you what your six month customized plan looks like to get you there. I'm the gal that's going to bridge the gap for you. He will get you from hating it to loving it. And when you love it, you enjoy your life and when you enjoy your life you have more free time on the weekend and you're not overworking. I'm going to show you how to really get your life back. So that is also in the show notes and in my Instagram. All right bye