How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings

Embracing the Emotional Rollercoaster: How to be Okay with Not Being Okay

February 06, 2023 Michelle Kevill Season 1 Episode 78
How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings
Embracing the Emotional Rollercoaster: How to be Okay with Not Being Okay
Show Notes Transcript

In today's episode I am going to be diving deep into the concept of HOW to be okay when you're not okay.

 In this episode we discuss how: 

  • My personal experience with emotional regulation and how to feel better
  • Importance of experiencing pain vs suppressing or avoiding them
  • Practical tips to build this skill in your real life
  • The freedom you create when you learn this

Show notes and the transcript can be found here:

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Hello, everyone, I hope you're well. And if not, I got you, at least you are here. My name is Michelle Kevill. And I help high achieving corporate women feel passionate about their job again. Now, when you're receiving this, it's likely February, but I am still on my holiday. It's my last week for a year back to my corporate job. It has been so nice, it has been so relaxing, we've had some really, really good weather and I have just been, you know, doing little bits of my business and playing video games and going in the pool. And it's just, it's been a whole heap of fun. I have been looking also, at my most recent episodes that I've like filmed for you guys. And I thought, like, there's a big theme in all of them. If you're a regular listener, you probably noticed that I'm talking about really just getting in and honing in on how do you love your job again, like what is what I've really been doing is looking back at what is the key shit that I needed to know, like a few years ago to really start loving my job again? And how can I make that super concrete and relevant for you? I've also been playing around on tick tock, so if you follow me there, I'm way more active. I've been doing like little 22nd nuggets of like my wisdom. And I'm trying to share them on Instagram as well. But anyway, I digress. So this episode today, I really wanted to talk about something that I wish was explained earlier to me, and it took me It literally took me until something happened in December of last year, which I'll go through that I was like, I get it now. And that's how to be 110%. Okay, with not being okay, I have touched on this in quite a few episodes with like Sunday scaries and stuff like that. But I really want to go in deep on this one on what that actually means. Because I realize that some of you may be listening to this being like, yeah, I get it, hi, just, you know, I need to feel my feelings or shit like that. I need to go in deep and explain what I mean when I say be okay, with not being okay, which is, again, if you follow coaching and stuff like that, you'll hear that a lot. You will hear just being okay with like everything going on. But what does that actually mean? What does it look like, and I'm gonna give you a little story as to what that is. So I personally, when I started my coaching journey a few years ago, I got this intellectually, and it made sense. As in, I use a fire metaphor, if you're a regular listener here all the time, like emotions, like a house fire, you either run away from the house fire, it eats you up, or you're you're pouring gasoline on yourself, you're making it worse for yourself. And what I use is you kind of have to just watch the house fire. Now, and that's probably the thing that I didn't get until very recently. And I want to explain to you, a lot of you are probably still giving into some of that crazy emotion when it pops up. And it's okay, it's fine. If you are pouring gasoline on yourself, it's fine when you're anxious and you start you know, like crying or venting or freaking out or just, you know, going down a doom hole in your head and thinking that like nothing is ever going to work out. As in it's okay if you're just you know, pouring a little bit of gasoline on yourself. But I mean, you really have to be okay with the fire, the fire is there, as in the emotions are in your body. You are freaking the hell out. You have palpitations, you want to vomit, you're feeling sick, your brain is racing, you have to be okay and not react to that. Not suppress it either. And not gonna not suppress it not go with it, just let it exist. And I'm going to give you an exact example of this. Okay, so what happened was in December, it was a busy period for me at work. And on top of that, if you heard my episode on hormones or my management, I have an autoimmune condition. And I talked about this all the time, it is harder to manage your brain when you're not well when your hormones are out of whack etc. Because I've had a lot of practice with this it does get easier each time and I've definitely learned and grown from what happened in December. But I just felt so anxious. And like I conceptually got it i conceptually understood that everything was genuinely okay. Like plans are in place things were fine. You know, my autoimmune condition was flaring up so probably not going to be feeling the best and yet I'm resisting the house fire. I'm almost like house fire. Please stop like just stop existing right now. Go away. It's not real. Like, I don't know why. It's kind of like talking to a house fire. That's how I would say to it. It's like I'm showing the house fire, like, why are you still burning and it's like my guy I am fire, like, I'm just gonna continue to burn. And I didn't hit me until I'm doing all the stuff doing thought of doing the processing. And I'm feeling a little bit low. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and I brain just raced and it just went, I just want to run to a meal right now. I just tell him I want to give up, I want to stop. I can't do this anymore. This is too much. I don't even want to exist. It is it's, it's too much. I can't do this. And I realized I was like, Oh, it like hit me like a ton of bricks. This is what I have to be okay with the old Michelle would have run with that would have reacted to all those words, all that anxiety, all those feelings of complete dread, and gone to a meal and just being like my partner and just be like, Oh, my God, I can't do this, etc, like crying into tears and stuff like that. And as I'm feeling as I'm going through all of this, I realized this is the thing I can't react to. I can't repress it, but I can't run with it either. I have to just be neutral to it. And once I accepted, I mean deeply accepted that I was going to continue to feel like complete shit, anxiety, panic driven. That is when I released a whole heap more kind of extra excess drama on myself. The excess drama being I'm trying to talk to a fire to put it out instead of being like, you know what I give up, the fire is just going to put it out on its own. I'm just going to let it go. But you're not ignoring it. Because you can't ignore it. You can't repress it, you can't push it away. You just watching the fire slowly die. And I would say for some of you are like, Yeah, I'm doing that. All I would say is at a deep level, are you expecting yourself to feel better when you do it? If you are, then you're adding more drama to yourself, because that's what I was doing. The coach, I was still doing that you really have to at a deep level, except that you just gonna feel like shit. And once you let that go, in essence, you feel better, but it's a different type of better and it's going to be unique for everyone. For me, it was just like getting a painful vaccine. Like knowing that I'm going to get because I'm afraid of needles, right? That's what I mean. I'm afraid of needles and injections, I'm terrible at them. I use nicotine patches. I'm a big baby. That's That's what I mean. For me. It's like, I'm knowing I'm gonna get this like horrible, but really, really painful, like big needle just shoved into my arm and just knowing that that's that's upcoming. It's just but it's just accepting that it's going to happen, and it's going to be painful, and I'm not gonna like it. And that's ultimately, like, that's truly what it is. Because for some of you, what I'm seeing is this. Yeah, but I'm doing that I'm doing the soul work and processing my feelings. I still feel like shit. But are you okay? With still feeling like shit? Or are you doing all these things in hope that you will just magically feel better, that creates more pain that creates more, not just anxiety, but this is like a low level sadness. It's like, oh, it's like, Fuck, I don't want to be here. I don't want to do this. Versus truly deeply accepting that this is happening. I feel like this, I don't have to react to it. I don't have to run away with my brain. I can hear it, I can definitely listen to it, I can talk to it, I can feel my feelings. But if it's going to be, you know, taking longer for whatever reason to calm down for, for me, it was my autoimmune condition. And my body genuinely was just like, I ain't gonna listen to you. Lol, the stuff that you're doing is going to take more time to do and I truly just had to be okay with that. And even if it's not for you, like here's the thing, anyone who says, oh, because I've heard that heard this before. It's like yeah, but Michelle, you know, in those elements that it's likely or autoimmune condition or something like this, etc. It's just freaking thought I still feel like dying.



Sometimes I feel a little bit better, but sometimes I do not. I feel so anxious that it's just like I want to the stop the feeling right now. But that is the problem. That is what makes it worse by wanting to stop it and accepting that my body is doing the thing. Everything is feeling like shit right now. And it will go in its own time. Once I took that drama off, funny enough, the thing that was stressing me out. I was able to figure it out. I put together a plan. I presented that to my team and people and it ended up getting sorted and I honestly believe that is because I just let go of trying to, you know, at a deep at like a subconscious level, because I knew I knew I'm like, Yeah, I know I need to feel this way. But it wasn't until that extreme rain went really extreme that I was like, Oh, I just need to not give into that. That extreme pain that that thing that's like pulling me towards like there was a person pulling me towards pouring gasoline on themselves. It's like, Come on do it. Let's just Let's do it, let's break the fuck out. That's the thing that I need to just step away from. And just accept that this voice is telling me a whole heap of things. And I don't need to take it seriously. That's another way of saying it. You don't need to take the exam. This can sound like a lot, but I'll call it out. You don't need to take the anxiety that you are feeling seriously. That's in essence, what I'm teaching. That's in essence, what works for me. Do you listen to it? Do you feel it? Sure. But you don't need to go run off with it. You don't need to believe all the shit you are telling yourself in that anxiety driven like maddened state. You don't have to take any of the feelings seriously, do you know how many times my brain is telling me that I'm failing in my business and I go to my coach, and I'm like, everything sucks. And my coach is like, that's not true. Here's the evidence. And again, you don't have to take this feeling or these thoughts to mean anything about yourself, you can just choose to ignore them, not ignore them, but just choose to keep moving forward, like listen to them, process them, or hear you whatever, and keep moving forward. And I was like shit, I can do that. And it's the same with whatever you're going through. You don't have to react so much to whatever is happening. And I speak as this from this as well. If this is something you struggle with, hence, you know the name of the podcast, I realized this up like a ton of bricks the other day, I'm like, the name of my podcast is literally like when neurodivergent people who don't really lack emotional regulation, because I just looked at it. And I'm like, my podcast title is so kind of literal, you know how to deal with big fucking feelings. And that was something I really struggled with. And you don't have to be neurodivergent. I'm saying, but for me with my diagnosis of ADHD, I struggle with a little bit with emotional regulation. This these life coaching tools is what helped me figure that out. It gave me actual tools to calm down in the moment, work myself up, it got me to a point again, should have had like this year, I counted, I should have had six breakdowns this year, in my job with everything that was going on. I did not the most recent most painful one in December did not happen down to my brain of a split moment where it wanted me to freak out. Yeah, it was holding the gasoline can it's like, Hey, hon, you should take this and you should pour it all over yourself. And I just sat there and was like, actually, I don't need to do that I don't need to take you seriously. I don't need to take a heart palpitations in the morning. Seriously, I don't need to take the fact that my stomach is a little bit upset seriously. And it gets what it all figured out. And I practiced this new thought so intently, because I knew I knew I was like after I because I definitely believed half believed at this point. Because everything you know, was a feeling the best hormones, emotions and everything. And it was a new thing. You know, new experiences, your brain gets anxious, and it brings up old thoughts that I could handle this, but I just it was just like, Okay, I'm going to use this opportunity because I know deep down that I can get through this. And I will figure this out. And it's going to reinforce this new thought that I'm practicing. And that is I have the capacity to solve this as it comes. Now because I ended up doing all the things that I teach, you know, talking you know, talking to my body in the way that I teach like if you want to know more the secret to stop crying in the bathroom between meetings, my free workbook, it's in the show notes, check it out. That will give you all the stuff I thought were thought downloads like all of that stuff. Once I figured it out, holy shit. Now I look at that thought and I'm like, fuck yeah, I have the capacity to solve it as comps god damn right I do. I'm just like, 100% that thought I believe, like, is so reinforced. I literally created the evidence for myself when I went through that. And this is what I say to my clients. When they're going through and they're working with me, you're going through, like so much shit, and they're just like, oh, this is happening, whatever. I'm like, girl. You're gonna learn so much so quickly, and it's gonna be great. And they come out the other end and they're like, oh my god, Michelle, you're right. And I was like, see, it was like now you believe this value cell was fantastic. And it's the same here. Like I look at some of my very old thoughts or it's like I am capable and I'm like that I'm now looking at it, I'm like, I'm so fucking capable, I have got this in the bag, I have done great shit. And I will continue to do. So that's a great thing. When you learn what I teach it like this deeper level, you're able to just apply it not really to any area of your life, but different levels in your corporate career as well. So as you know, I've been promoted like twice and under a year under manager's position. And there are some new challenges. And of course, some of those old thoughts that I used to have in my early days are picking up, but I can handle them much better. I've avoided multiple breakdowns, because I have like a good tool set that I can pick and choose. And I know what I need to do, and hence why I do this for all of you. Because I know that there is someone out there, that is just overworked. overstressed doesn't know what these tools are, and is thinking that there's something inherently wrong with them. Actually, they just never had the tools. They never had the ability, or the explanation in a way that suited them. I like to think that everyone's voice or my voice is speaking to you in a different way that, you know, listen to other things. And you're like, Ah, that's a new perspective. And that's like things that I learn. I try to be like, Oh, how this I've got this amazing kind of learning here. How do I share that with others? Because if I got this, maybe I can make it easier for them. That is all I have time for. But I just wanted to share that little that story. Everything about like, you know, not beat like, really at the essence. I was like, oh, no, people need to know this. Like, they needed like I needed to go to myself two years ago and be like, everything you're feeling right now. You just need to be okay with it. Like just just accept it deeply accept it. And that's what I'm telling you, again, need to if you're doing all this work that I teach in the podcast, my free workbook, etc. And you're deep down having this intention of look, not that you don't want to feel better, of course, we all want to feel better, but you want to rush the process. Because the fact is, for some of you it's going to end depending it depends on circumstance, it depends on your thoughts, a whole heap of factors. Some people do this and they feel a ton better. Some people it takes a little bit of more time. It just varies. We all have strengths and weaknesses and different things. And if deep down, you will like kind of pressuring yourself to feel better. You're pushing yourself too far. You need to let your body do its thing. You need to look at your emotions as a house fire that is going to die out and you need to watch it, not run away from it, but not run into it either. Watch that house fire die. And if there's a person in the house shouting at you wanting to have a freakout, just acknowledge it, but don't like go with it. And look, it's okay. If you do. It's okay. If you do, it's okay. If you have a cry, or freak out or go to someone like, you know, I almost was like, I'm gonna go to my partner. It's not like losing it right now. But it hit me I was like, Oh, this is the thing that I need to like, stop. This is what I was doing before. I was just, I couldn't handle feeling this way. So I'd have a freakout. I couldn't handle feeling anxiety, so much my body was like this is taking too long, and wanted to freak out about the anxiety. I don't want to do that anymore. And that is what the same with you. That is what's going to help you on your journey as well to you know, dealing with those big fucking feelings and managing it and managing your brain really around, like whatever is going on in your career and to truly loving your job again, because when you can do that, when you can do this internal work, you don't have to switch multiple jobs. You don't have to sit there wondering why you go to each job and it sucks. Or eventually, you know, ends up sucking, and you just need to do the work internally at like, how amazing is that you don't have to change any external circumstances. You don't have to go out and like apply for new jobs. You just have to look inward is the change that you're thinking, this is good news. So many people are freaking out. Like, I don't want to do that. Trust me,



it's good news. It's fine. Internal is a lot easier than people say. You just gotta build the muscles, that's all. And if this is something that you're looking for, for 2023 If you are just sick of feeling this way, if you have you come back from your leave, I know it's February, but you know what I mean? Have you come back after you know you're getting back into the swing of things, and you're just like, fuck this again. And we start all over. And hopefully Easter will come and maybe I'll get a break then But then we've got this thing do and you know looking forward to every single public holiday and just being like, Oh, please. I just you know, just living for the weekends. Booking a one on one discovery call with me. I want to show you how you can get the same vibrance I have including my clients for their jobs so it doesn't feel painful. You're not worrying on some One day about work, you know, you can take care of your own shit. You enjoy your whole fucking life. It is filled with beauty. It's just like you go to work, you're energized, you're doing things you're handling your emergency coming home from work, you're dropping it like a hat. You just like leave when you need to on time you spend time with your kids, you enjoy your weekends, you're present. Don't you want to learn how to be present for your fucking life? Instead of wishing it away and hoping that there's a weekend and then on that weekend stressing out about it? I sure didn't. And it's why I'm doing what I'm doing to help you. So booking a call. I want to show you what your plan is going to look like. All right, I'll see you guys later. Bye.