How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings

How to not change a thing about you and still be confident AF

February 20, 2023 Michelle Kevill Season 1 Episode 80
How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings
How to not change a thing about you and still be confident AF
Show Notes Transcript

In today's episode I am going to be telling why changing your style of communication doesn't work if you don't believe you should be there.

 In this episode we discuss how: 

  • Why changing how you 'act' on the outside doesn't work
  • The importance of being yourself and owning who you are
  • How to show up with real confidence in the workplace and get sh*t done

Show notes and the transcript can be found here:

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Hello, I hope you're well. And if not, I got you, at least you are here. My name is Michelle, and I'm a life coach for high achieving corporate women who want to feel passionate about their job again. And in today's episode, I'm still coming up with the title. But it is basically mannerisms in the workplace, and specifically the biggest gender gap that I see. And what has been, I guess, told to women, on how to act, it touches a little bit on communication strategies, I'm really excited for this one, I got a lot of like pep in my step. Because I have seen this, I can articulate it, and I want to show you what I'm talking about. So let me set the scene, we've all been there, where you have your inner meeting, you're talking with someone about a project, you're trying to get everyone aligned. And all of a sudden, maybe like, deep down, like you're freaking out a little bit, maybe you have like racing thoughts, you're like, oh, I don't know how to say this, etc. And then in your head, you start judging yourself a little bit. What I mean by that is you very likely has heard a whole heap of stuff. And this isn't to hate on communication experts or anything like that. If you use these, they are like, that's great, fantastic. But what I used to do as well, really early in my careers, I remember I had a communications like expert, teach us things like for example, you know, don't put your hands on your hips, have your like palms showing or something like that, when you're talking a whole heap of things just around how to communicate better, how to be more, I want to say respected or seen, etc. And the biggest thing I would hear all the time, as a woman, you should never say things such as like, Does this make sense? To you men say that? No. So where am I getting on with this? Right? What I used to do, is I used to then freak out when I was using those terms and assume that then oh my god, I've said that, like, we're not supposed to say that people are gonna see me less respected, yada, yada, yada. And then what ends up happening is, you feel a little bit kind of deflated, like, oh, like, yeah, I gotta I gotta stop doing that I really shouldn't be doing that. I should be saying or acting this way. What I felt is being given was kind of like a little script, you could say, on how we should speak and act. Now take this as you will, because I really do not want to hate like, yes, there are studies around this. And stuff like that around how we talk, how we communicate, etc. And it is layered with with a bit of misogyny in it. Think about it, the biggest one that used to get me and I still hear this today is to speak with a lower tone. So you are more respected because lower voices, you know, the more respected and more authoritative whatever, there's like a ton of research out there about that. And I'm sitting there like, no, traditionally, men were working in the workplace, they have lower voices. And then women came in posts, like the feminist movement, etc. Like, to me, that is a culture thing. And that is why I'm so excited to touch on this today. Because some of you may be thinking, right, I just need to stick to the script. And it'll you know, it'll all work out. And I No doubt some of you will see the scripts and wondering potentially, well, why am I not seeing the results, I don't feel like I'm being heard. I still feel like people talking over the top of me, I'm not going in my career. And the reason this doesn't work, if it's not working for you, you don't believe at the end of the day that you belong in that fucking group. You do not believe that you are just as valuable as every other person in that room. You still think that your voice doesn't matter. So it does not matter what you were doing on the outside, lower tone, back in palms, whatever. If on the inside, you genuinely feel like a small, like, eyes roll on you. You feel like a fucking idiot and everyone knows it and you're stupid. It's going like it doesn't matter what you do on the outside. It will help to an extent, I'll tell you that and it probably has a little bit I do not doubt having my hands on my hips. If anyone knows me like a cup from you know, big Maltese family, we get a little pep in our step and etc. Having my hands on my hips. It can be a little bit of a you know, like a pat That's right, hands on the hips is a power move. That's what I'm trying to go with here. A bit of a power move. It can be a little bit strong. I get that. I totally get it. But you need the in Inside, how you feel about you to match the outside stuff you're doing, if you want to continue that, and I want to give you fucking permission today to drop all that bullshit, if you don't if you want to that is because so many women, including myself kept thinking, No, I should I really like I used to criticize myself, but like, oh, I said it again. Does that make sense? Have that I really thought about it. And I thought, it's a fucking it's fucking words. It's a question. It's just does this make sense? That's all it is. It's not me dismissing how I speak or anything like that. It's a genuine question. And once I realized that, oh, it doesn't matter what I'm power move I'm doing or what words I'm saying. All that matters is how I feel on the inside. And if I believe that I'm an equal contributor to everyone else in this room, does not matter what I say. It is going to be respected and hurt, because I am giving off that genuine energy. And I don't want to talk in like a kind of magical sense. But think about it. We've all been there when there is a person, or when you are like passionate about something right? Like you probably hear about through my voice right now when I started talking about like the small child and all that. You could hear it coming off. I'm like, Hey, listen, y'all have to do it that way. Like that. That's that energy, that force, you could say, like, I don't know what it is like the conviction behind my voice, like you can hear it in my voice. Other people sense that to the only way you do that is when you truly believe you're valuable enough. So it's not that you have to learn another frickin power move or bloody communication skill. Again, not trying to criticize because I keep beautification experts and stuff and listening to this probably like, Ah, this is my job. I think there are good things that touch on how we speak. And then there are other things that I hear and that you have heard as well, that it just don't sit right with you. And then maybe you're thinking, Well, I have to keep this. But I'm telling you, you don't. You don't have to keep that shit, you can pick it, you can actually, you don't have to take my advice, you can also just pick and choose whatever the hell you want to do, there are some things I like to do, I don't really put my hands on my hips, I do like to have the palms kind of out or whatever they you know, it's like you put your palms down, you just have your hands down. It's meant to be like a neutral stance. I don't mind that. What do mind is, there are things that I like to say like I am going to score in a fucking meeting and speak in a low tone to be more respected and nor should you if you do not want to. That is ridiculous. That feeds upon the narrative. I did this in the episode check it out, like way earlier on feminism, where I talk about how we have these things, and we'll just continue them. So if women are thinking, Okay, we have to have low tones. We keep having continuing Do you know to have low tones gets results from that? And then say to others, yeah, see, you want to do this, you want to get promoted, you'd have low turn, like we just keep proving it true. Instead of coming in being yourself and unique, and owning it, owning that energy and seeing the fucking positives in that and your contribution to the goddamn business people. And it is definitely thought because I do want to give this example because I am Australian, for those who don't. You may know, because I have inflections at the end of my sentences, which sounds like questions. And apparently that had girls confused people overseas and like, Why is everything and Australian ask a question? No, that's just how we got them speaks when I'm at the workplace, we're just speaking that way. That's just how we do it. But it's a culture thing. And then we apply our own thoughts onto things that are different to us, etc. Like, at the end of the day, we're all going to have thoughts on something. So you might as well show up how you want to be at work. So what you need to do, if you want to drop some of this, if instead of questioning and trying to like fit yourself into a mold, but instead when you pick or choose pick or choose things that you like that you know in regards like communication, do that. If you want to keep things like your tone just normally as it is as you can see from my turn I'm very bubbly, happy person. I am going to continue to keep that what you need to do instead and my God does this make all the goddamn difference. It is the conviction behind your voice.



It is do you go into a room and do you believe that you are are valued and you matter and you have something to contribute to society. Society, you know, business, you know what I mean? Does not matter, I guarantee you because I fucking do this does not matter what you do. If at the end of the day, you do not believe you belong there, your opinions matter. It's doesn't matter what you do, it's still going to come off as exactly how you're thinking you don't belong, that it's the same thing. It's kind of like when you ask someone for like directions, and then there's a person who's like, oh, yeah, you go down here, and he, whatever. And then you also doesn't really know. And you're like, Ah, I don't know, and you just get that vibe, you're like, oh, this person doesn't really know. Again, it's the energy that they're giving off. I'm not trying to make it magical. But you hear like, you hear it, you see it, etc. Hence, as humans, like, this is what I think we're good sometimes. To smartphone good. It makes sense, then, that we're like, right, you know, don't have this type of tone, etc. Like change the outside things, right? Change the voice, change the facial expressions, etc. To come off less, I think, go through the fucking source, and change how you truly feel. So that that will just resonate regardless. So that you could ask a question in that meeting, but you don't make it mean that you're a frickin idiot or anything like that. You're just like, this is a question that I have. Can you answer it? Or I don't know what this means, whatever. And you just come off believing that? Yep, I have a question. It's valid. And it's okay that I don't know everything. I'm gonna ask it. It's important, like, do it at the source, it's so much better. And you don't have to change all the outside stuff and try to fit into a mold and then sit there and think, Oh, why am I not doing that? Like, why do I? Like I'd hear this all the time, from women, including myself, where it would just be like, Oh, I did it again. I asked, does it make sense? Like, are you okay with that? I'm like, and then I realized, no, like, I'm asking a genuine question. Like another quick example. Again, really early in my career, I was told I said, Sorry, way too much. So I told myself to just like, Stop, like, just almost like bite my tongue stop saying sorry, what I should have done is understood, why did I feel the need to be so apologetic? Hmm, was it because I was an intern, and I didn't feel like I belonged there. So I literally apologize for every mistake I made, oh, my god, the root source is how I'm thinking about myself. That's what I needed to do. That's what I needed to focus on, not hold my tongue and try not to say sorry, just believe that I don't frickin need to apologize for existing in this environment. My freaking Mata here. The reason this is so challenging to do is it is a lot of social conditioning. It is a lot of deep work into why you believe these things, like why you don't and I guarantee you it's this, a lot of you do not believe that you belong in the workplace. A lot of you do not want to, you know, quote, unquote, embarrass yourself or say a stupid question or come off this way. And I'd ask why, like, what are you afraid is going to happen? What will you make it mean about yourself? How will you speak to yourself consciously or subconsciously, this is the crap that you have been conditioned to be thinking from frickin childhood messages you've received from society. Like, it does not surprise me that women are more apologetic than men. Because women have to frickin apologize for existing sometimes. We're meant to be like, more quiet, we're meant to fit the mold. And it takes a certain technique to go inward and understand what is it you're truly believing about yourself? But also, how do I change it? How do I believe that I am truly valuable and amazing, and have a really good thoughts and opinions? How do I show up with that energy? How do I really genuinely believe that you've got to go inward and you've got to understand where all the also where all this shit came from. And you got to unpack all of that. And that can be a challenge, but I'm gonna give you some tips that are gonna help. Some of the stuff was when I originally said earlier, like, Okay, I know that I know you guys do this. I know you do. The next time you say something along the lines of Does that make sense? It's not exactly going to be like that for you. I want you to ask, why was it like why did you ask why did you feel the need to ask that? And why was it a problem? Deep down? What were you afraid? You'd off or you're afraid would happen. These are fucking write these questions down and answer them all your stuff will come up when you do that all your thoughts and there's no right or wrong answer the right answer is it just any any answer that you gave us the right answer that's what it is and you the more you do that and the more you get more introspective, the quicker you end up realizing up that's that old habit again. Second thing I want you to do is really ask yourself to truly believe you are a valued person, in your job in your team in the workplace. Like when I mean valued, I mean, you think you are hot shit. And I know some of you ladies isn't narcissistic, no, shush, okay. You need to believe in yourself the same way you believe you can like potentially, like turn on a tap. Right? The you know, you can do that. That's the type of belief you need to have in yourself. I guarantee you, good things come from that. That is not a overconfidence thing. Overconfidence is like compensating for something that is a genuine belief that I have good ideas. I have good questions. And I I'm here I'm a part of this room and valued. And I value myself and I value my opinions. And I am smart and belong here. Do you really believe that about yourself? Because a lot of you you likely don't you likely deep down are afraid you likely have impostor syndrome and are so worried about about getting caught out. I guarantee you growth happens when you believe you are hot shit, it really does. Because that energy that I was talking about before, just resonates off. It comes off when you are asking the questions and leading the meetings and doing all those things. People then see that and they again like it builds the faith in you. But you do that not by hiding things on the outside by changing your tone of voice or or you place your hands it really is an internal thing I honestly believe it's what you believe about yourself and women are conditioned to believe that they aren't that great, and that's really stupid and shit and not fair. And that's why I'm doing this episode to change that. And this is exactly what you learn. In the epic Work and Life program. It is my six month one on one program to get you from feeling small and insignificant in a room never feeling like you're enough to a corporate badass. Literally. You end up loving your job again. Because of this. Because you believe in you. You're not hiding anymore. It is so freeing. I love it. I love this program. To find out more. Get on my waitlist. We will be having enrollments again soon. You'll get on that you'll get all the notifications about it, but go out there. Do that inner work. This is what's gonna get you to love your job again. Do this work. Alright, I'll see you guys next week.