How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings

Are you one breakdown away from quitting? What to do next to fix it

March 20, 2023 Michelle Kevill Season 1 Episode 84
How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings
Are you one breakdown away from quitting? What to do next to fix it
Show Notes Transcript

In today's episode I tell you what to do to avoid that breakdown and quitting your job

 In this episode we discuss:

  • Why you're about to breakdown
  • What you're doing that isn't working
  • How to calm down quickly and identify patterns that keep you here
  • One question you need to ask to know what to do next

Show notes and the transcript can be found here:

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Hello, everyone, I hope you're well. And if not, I got you at least you are here. My name is Michelle Kevill. And I help high achieving corporate women feel passionate about their job again. Welcome to today's episode, a you just one break down away from quitting. I have been there myself, clients who have been there. And I just want to make sure because every now and again, I get some of my clients message me being like, was this this talk? Was this me you were recording about me? I'm like no, no. Also about me, also about multiple people, I'm not targeting specific people, I also do the same. When my coach posts off, I'm like, Oh, this really resonated is this specifically targeted to me. And also, this is extremely common, and I wanted to talk about it. And really how to avoid that breakdown. Or if you're already in it right now listening to this, like, half crying in your UI on the couch worrying, like, I don't know what to do help, I want to help you out as well. And exactly what you need to do to get out of this and make a decision that's going to work best for you. And you know what the best decision is for you. So let's really get into it. Oh, and before that I really, really wanted to introduce this episode, as kind of like, you know, those tech talks or kind of like memes or it's like, it's like a commercial like, are you just one break down away from quitting your job and just running off to sell your house and live in a tiny home away from our people in life? Well, this podcast episode is for you like one of I really want to do that. Because honestly, that is when I was really in the thick of it kind of how I felt like it's like crying me but like, with a thumb up like help. I got you, I got you and I get it, I know where you're at, I'm going to help you, I'm going to get you out of this. Figure out what you need to do, how to do all of that. So really, let's get into it. So for you, one breakdown away before quitting your job is literally where it's like the whole, the straw that breaks the camel's back. That's what it is right now. And you are at the fucking edge, right? Like your call, probably clocking off work or shutting down your laptop at like nine o'clock at night. You are so drained, exhausted, yet you feel wired and can't sleep. Because when you try to sleep, like your brain is just thinking about work. And you are just in complete utter burnout. Like you're completely drained. Maybe you're having like physical issues like stomach problems you can't eat, you have heart palpitations, maybe you're also on some like medication as well to try solve this, you've increased that maybe even feel and believe that you're a complete failure for all of this happening. You're looking around at like people at work who were just handling it, and you're just like, well, what the fuck? Like, why is everyone else doing this, and I'm not and I'm just crying in the bathroom, like between meetings or between calls on teams, and just not being able to handle this. First of all, this is common, like you do not realize how common this is. And I do not believe that it is widely talked about enough. Hence why I have this podcast. I even as a coach, I still sometimes do this, I still cry in the bathroom, sometimes between meetings. That's okay, I know how to manage it. Now, I tell you how with the breakdown part, how to manage it. But really, it's when you're just pushed to the edge and like one thing is just going to flip the switch. And it's going to be like something small, like one extra request from your boss to work on like this thing. And you're just going to absolutely like that meme where you like flip the table and completely lose it and just go into a complete meltdown. And ultimately, maybe you're just feeling like your body's screaming at you and you want to quit or the reason you haven't been able to get through this. Like it's very likely a pattern. Firstly, I want you to look at when this has occurred in your life, and what were some of the triggers building up to that, right? Because this is really common. You very likely think that it's like the situation and everything around you. And to an extent it is but I also want you to notice what you have been doing every time this has happened. Have you been overworking late into the night? Have you been berating yourself and calling yourself an idiot when you haven't learned something fast enough? Or you made a mistake or someone got angry at you and you made it mean something about yourself? What are all the surrounding factors to this? What is everything that at least in your control have you been doing to add to this complete utter exhaustion and Breakdown? And don't sit there and be like, Well, Michelle, it's part of the job. I'll get to that. Just write out what you're doing. I just want you to start seeing that pattern. Because the main reason you're able to do it is because there is this underlying pattern that you cannot see Hey, I can see it. I've been through it. And now I know what the fuck it is that you keep replaying out over and over again, every time something happens. For me. It was every time that was a big shift in my life, like getting promoted and didn't have to be massive as well. And it probably is similar for you. Maybe it's promoted, maybe it's a new job. Maybe it's, I don't know, a new project or something like that. What is this thing that is happening? Like when this happened? For me, it was so interesting. It was just called adjustment disorder. It was just like, yeah, just not adjusting to the thing that is happening. And I'm like, I know that. And what do I fucking need to do to stop doing that? Like, there's all this other stuff underlying that I just was not being like, told about, like, I still remember and I've talked about this before, in my original adjustment disorder podcast episode, which you might find interesting as well, if it resonates with you, is I still remember a psychiatrist sitting there being like, you think you don't have any resources right now? Like he had like a pendulum. And we need you to think that you do have resources and support right now. And I was just seeing her like, I'm not fucking dumb. I know that. But I don't know, like, how do I bridge the gap? Like, how do I bridge the gap? Because right now, I'm just believing that nothing is working. I'm so overwhelmed, I have to do all this stuff. Like, no one was really showing me the gap between the two. And it was this work that actually showed me Oh, shit. Like, I have some really deep beliefs that I'm not aware of that I just keep replaying, and they are getting triggered when big events are happening. And the thing is, for all of you, this is going to be different. Like for some of you, it might be that you have to like, no, like, you have to know everything, when you start a new job, right? Like, you must just immediately like be super successful at everything you're doing. Like you've been there for 10 years, I was something really common that I did. And what's the actual problem is there's something underlying that, like, let's say, maybe you just don't want to disappoint other people. Maybe you want to be super successful in this new role, or new project. And you don't want to fail because it means it disappoints people. And if you disappoint other people, then you feel ashamed. And maybe back in the day, when that happened, it was not, you didn't feel safe, maybe you got told off, like really harshly by your parents.



Or I don't know, it's like going really, really deep. You do not realize how much of these experiences that we've had throughout our whole life that are impacting us. Now in our adult life, your brain is recording these really strong, you could say traumatic events that are happening. And then it's going, oh, I need to look out for that next time. And then it's trying to avoid it. Hence why you're like overworking late into the night. Because if I get all my work done, I can show this to my boss, then I'm doing a good job and I can stay safe. The problem with this is it's just like it's not working for you, like you're at this point, where every time something changes or happens, you're about to have an absolute breakdown, you have underlying patterns are actions that you are taking right now that like you are doing because you think it's going to help you like overweight, you know, overworking, working on the weekends and stuff like that. But it's actually causing your detriment. And what does that mean? Well, like think like to put it really simply, how the fuck are you getting good quality work done, if you're half dead. If you are having like heart palpitations and stuff like that, I'm not saying that to stress you out. When you're in panic mode, you're switching off your thinking brain, your prefrontal cortex, the thing that does all the planning and stuff like that. And you're turning on your limbic system, your stress response, everything is slowed down now, everything is going to take longer. Like it's going to be harder to figure things out and stuff like that when you're in that state. So you need to calm down. And then what's happening is your body, you're not listening to it. It's screaming at you. You're not processing any really dark, heavy emotions that you're having right now. Because the only way you know how to deal with it is likely like Netflix, binging social media feeling good. Like I think some people and like this is because of society think if we're feeling good all the time, that's fine, but you're actually not supposed to feel good old time and it's okay to actually feel stressed out right now. But if you are reacting to your breakdown, if you're reacting to all these emotions, that's where the breakdown happens. That is what happened for me. I reacted to all this anxiety I was having. And I just couldn't be with the emotions. I was like, I don't want to be here anymore. And I was fighting it. And I really had a reaction to like the emotions and the reactions. And then the massive breakdown happened and I like just couldn't shower and everything and You know, this is what I mean. So what do you do? You're in this point, now you're listening to this, you're potentially about to have a breakdown. And you don't know what to do. Well, firstly, I want you to go to my earliest episodes because I explain this all the aspects in more detail, explain what, how to stop feeling anxious and process that shit. That's the first thing you need to do. You need to be with your emotions right now, no one has taught you how to do that, effectively, I teach you exactly how to do that is the same technique that I use that like literally probably saved my life, to what are all your underlying thoughts. I think it's like the second episode, it's to do with like, thought work and stuff like that, listen to that same thing, you need to start seeing the shitty patterns that you are playing out in your life right now that you have absolutely zero awareness of like zero, I show you how to do that. So check that one out, too. From that will like seriously clear up so much stuff for you, then what you need to do is figure the fuck out what it is, what are your next steps, and this won't happen in a day. This will happen in like a few weeks could because this is a big thing I've been saying with some of my clients and people who are listening who are a bit more advanced in their kind of life coaching kind of world. The assumption is that if we can, you know, change our thoughts change our mindset, then we should just be happy all the time. In any scenario. That is not fucking true at all bought work, the stuff that I teach is meant to empower you to make a decision that best suits you. So for me at the time, I was fucking sick of getting the same shit from doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, whatever, who told me, you just need to leave your job. You're not cut out for corporate. In my gut. I knew that wasn't true. I knew was so much soul and depth, that that was not true. Now at times, did I waver from that? Of course I did. I just thought, yeah, maybe I'm not. And I'm just, you know, I just need to like, step down, or I can't work and stuff like that. But I was this other part of me. As other part that was like, but I'm smart. I've done good things. This doesn't make any sense. And I realized I was just missing a tool to regulate myself and like my brain and figure all this stuff out. So what I want you to do is ask the following question, I did this on myself, I just said either scenario took say I stay in the role, I leave the role, whatever. If at the end of the day, the best scenario like it was always going to work out. Which one do I want to choose? Now I preface this by saying you need to do this when your headspace is just a little bit better. Because you're if you're in this high panic state, your brain will obviously just revert straight to I just want to quit, I just want to quit, I want to quit, because it doesn't want to feel like it's one wants to escape, which is probably what you're doing right now. But if you're listening to this, or as a part of you, that's kind of pulling on that's like, well, I don't exactly want to do that. Like, I like you very much like me, you like the lifestyle that your corporate job is bringing you right now. You love the money that you're making. You enjoy the idea of you know, a desk job, and you know, being able to, you know, my parents, my mom was a teacher. So the idea of like, children running out me and you know, not being able to even believe to go get a coffee. It's just, you know, no, no, thank you. And, you know, kudos to any teachers that happened to listen to this, you're amazing, like you like that. And you want a solution that's going to fit right now, because the same similar scenario happened to me when I was presented a bit. I'd gotten much better been about a year and I was presented a new opportunity. And it was like a new position. And it was really good. And everyone was telling me to take it. Or like you need to take this role. You need to take this position, but there was this part of me and my god, that was like, no, but then I got confused, because I'm like, well, with thought work, I should be able to feel happy in any scenario, and whatever. And I even had, like people telling me like, you're a coach, like, you should totally be able to do this, like what are you talking about? So it was really, really shame myself, I did some deep coaching on it. And in my gut, I just didn't fucking want to do it. I just did not want to do that position. And I'm so glad I did that. Because I ended up getting promoted twice in under a year to the same position in the area that I actually wanted to grow in. Do not use thought work to go against your wants, needs and desires. For fuck sakes, if you need to take a fucking break from the shit going on. Like you need to take time off and then come back and reassess your life that is totally fine as well. I did what was working for me at the time. You need to do the same to I just want you to make sure you don't do this Straight in panic mode, because when I was in panic mode, if I'd asked myself that question, it would just be like, Well, I just need to leave right now, like 100% leave right now. And, like, once I was doing this work hearing, like learning about this stuff, I realized and started implementing his tools and stuff like, and take me that long, but everyone's obviously different is probably like, I wanted to say, a few weeks, a few good weeks, like maybe, or maybe even over a month, I started like, and it wasn't like I was fully better, by the way, like, I was still freaking out, but I was learning how to regulate, I realized that, no, I want to continue, I want to stay here, and I want to do it. And I want to learn and apply to what's going on in my life right now. And I'm gonna see what's happening. That doesn't mean if you want to take time out and be like, You know what, I don't want to do this right now I just want to, like, take a big break, you're allowed to do that as well. Like, seriously, that's totally fine. You should be using this work to empower yourself. At the end of the day, this work makes you see it, it's really funny. It's not to like lie to yourself, but it's just always kind of, I don't want to say silver lining, either. Like, it's always like, you see the good out of everything. But it is helpful in these scenarios. Like you can, like say you do choose to just, you know, quit, take a break, whatever. If you're just stuck in this, I failed mindset, you will see everything you do as failure. And from there, everything you do from there as failure, like even if you got another job, etc, like, oh, you still lost that other job, like he's still failed. Versus oh my god, actually, those best thing for me, like, look at all these good things that have like come out of it as well. Because life is just 5050. Like, you can just choose to see the good and the bad. Like if I wanted to I could choose and say if I you know, never took that position, you know, I could have jumped up quicker, I could have could progress my career quicker, you can get the good and bad out of a new thing. But it's just makes so much more sense to me to be like, yeah, no, that I was meant to not take that position. I'm



so glad I did it. This is what's happening now for me and things are going to continue, it's just up from here. Like that is just a better way to be. So I hope you found this helpful, because I get as well look, if you are in the thick of it. And you found this right now please scroll all the way down to my really, really early episodes are going to give you the tools and the basics. Also check out my free workbook, the secret to stop crying in the bathroom between meetings, it is in the shownotes I strongly recommend, like that just gives you just really high level, everything you need to do and it's going to help you give some tools on how to apply it actually had a person online use this, they sent me a message and they all like Oh my fucking god like you over my whole world, they were able to go to their manager have a discussion about like their work priorities. And they were able to figure something out. And she was like, I was never able to do that before. I've never done that. Until I found this work. And I just sat there just like fuck, yes, this is it, you are seeing the patterns that are creating this shit for you. And you are seeing what power and control you do have. And you're creating some safety around that. I never believed that I could say no to work. Could I you know, I just had to completely overfill my plate. And I realized why I was doing it, and how to get out of it. And I tell you all of that I have a ton of free resources as well. So so that is going to help you if you're in the thick of it. If you were just coming out of this and you're listening to this, like Yeah, I need to, you know, or if you're further along your thought about journey, really have a think about that question I just sent you or just said, what if everything works out either way, which option are you going to choose? Because the reason you're stuck right now is because part of you is like trying to predict like, I could work better here. And if I do this, then this is going to happen. Like I got to choose the best option. Here's the thing, it's always going to be the best option. If your mindset around it is like if you're doing the work around your mindset really, like anything can be best thing about our whole life because we always do this or at least I do. I look at everything and everything that has happened. And I've just gone and I've sort of aligned it you could say I've gone yeah, I was meant to have Yeah, I was meant to have some horrific breakdowns. So painful. So horrible. Almost tried to commit suicide, so that I could be here for you right now. I don't know what you want to call that. You can call that fucking destiny to universe. I don't really care. Like, I'm just choosing to look at that as like, Yep, that was meant to fucking happen. Because it got me here and it got me to fucking help you listening on the other end, which is what I was meant to do. Like that is just, that's just fucking empowering. It's just way better to look at it that way. And I'm not saying we're meant to feel happy and then again, everything's great all the time. Like you're allowed to feel shitty That's fine. Please use this work to make empowering choices for yourself. Don't use it to just gaslight yourself into staying into something that really isn't aligned with you or because Michelle didn't do it that way. That's another thing I've heard. They're like, Oh, but you were able to do it this way. Because I'm me. I don't know. This is just like, it's just my own. It just, it just happened this way. For me. It doesn't mean you have to do it the exact way. You can do whatever you want. You make your own empowering choice to do what you want. Try to do it in a place where your headspace is a little bit better, so it won't feel as like leaning towards like the one answer which is likely to run away. That is it for today. Take care, my friends, and I will see you next week.