How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings

How to get over f*cking up at work

April 03, 2023 Michelle Kevill Season 1 Episode 86
How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings
How to get over f*cking up at work
Show Notes Transcript

In today's episode I am going to tell you the key things you how to get over making a mistake at a work. 

 In this episode we discuss:

  • Why you either take too much or no responsibility for your f*ck up
  • Why this feels really scary
  • What questions to ask yourself to see this unhelpful pattern
  • How to create safety for yourself and show up better at work

Show notes and the transcript can be found here:

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Hello, everyone, I hope you're well. And if not, I got you, at least you are here. My name is Michelle Kevill. And I help high achieving corporate women feel passionate about their job again, welcome to today's episode, if I sound a little off, I'm going to be completely honest, I'm feeling the feels running a business is hard. I'm just going through the motions sometimes. But that's okay, we get through the other end. And anyone who has a side hustle knows what I'm talking about, there are just some days where you're just like, oh my god, there's a lot going on right now. But we keep going, you just might hear it through your speakers. I am really like, I would say that I think that I have a poker face, and I do not have a poker face. You can hear it through my voice. I've had people where I answer the phone, like really happy at corporate and people here, okay, and I'm just like bloody hell, like, you could just, I'm very overt you can hear the emotions, you can just see it all on me. Today we're talking about taking 100% responsibility. This is something that I used to really struggle with. This is something that I see my clients struggle with as well. And it really is, it really comes down to what I see the biggest common theme is what you've gone through in childhood. And this is really she defense mechanism that pops up at work that actually isn't helping you when something fails. So let me set the scene for you a little bit. And I'm, of course going to give you all the tips on how to manage this as well. I've recently gone through this and really developed on it as well, myself. So what I'm talking about here, it's when you're at work and say, you know, you've made a mistake, like something's fucked up. I don't even know Marlon was saying like, it's like a big fuckup. And the project is maybe gonna have to get shifted, and you're sitting there freaking out, you might at first feel like yeah, this is okay, like, it's fine or whatever. And then over time, you started to be like, Oh, my God, no, this is actually really, really bad, I'm gonna have to tell stakeholders, how he's going to work. And if I talk to my boss, my boss gonna have to talk to that boss, like, nothing is working right now. It's all my fault, oh, my God, I'm such a failure, and you go into like this little depression spiral. Now, two things happen. In this little spiral, you either take too much responsibility for the thing that has happened, or you don't take enough responsibility. And it really depends on what you've kind of gone through, whether it be at work or even on like chapter one, and we're gonna go through that. So when you take too much responsibility for something, it is because you kind of believe you can see all the patterns and you genuinely think that you had control over every little thing, and it's happening. And you are making external shit means something about you your worth and your value. The problem is what happens is deep down, you just believe that you're not very good, like you're not good enough. And what it hates, is to be reminded of that, when you fail, because that part of your brain, that little voice, will take that and be like, see all this shit that you fucked up here, you did all of that you could have avoided it. If you check this thing or spoke to this person or do that or is better at communicating as though your fucking fault. And then you just put it all on you. And you're like, oh my god, it's all my fault. I'm so bad. It's just a terrible person to blow up. The other side of the spectrum is you go very defensive. And you look at well, you know, this isn't my fault. This was happening. It's just happening in that area over here. We don't have enough systems and processes in place like this can't be on me, like, I can't believe this. Fuck this job. This job is shit. I hate this blah, blah, blah, maybe trying to push it onto other teams potentially. And



both are shit. Both are taking



either too much responsibility or not enough responsibility within defensiveness as well I'd really look if you do this, right. If you go straight into defensive mode, do not I'm doing this from a place of like being judgey a lot of people do this, it's very natural thing for us to do. When you go into that mode, I just want you to look and think where my childhood has benefited me or growing up or at work previously, whatever just during your life whereas being defensive and putting it on the other person benefited me, protected me kept me safe. Really early in my career, I went on the hardline defensiveness and would just explain as to why this wasn't my fault yada yada yada. And what I noticed is they really didn't give a shit. Like and I would say most good managers don't give a shit. It's more like what is the solution like how do we you know, how do we fix this etc. Like What is it we need to do? And I didn't realize until I found this work that the reason I was doing that is because when I was a kid and something was found to be my fault, one way to kind of get me out of it was to like, blame it on my sister or, or explain it's like if I just over explained, like, these are all little things and patterns that lead to this, then it will be okay. And that got me out of Something's definitely got me out of some things, even at school and growing up. And this was a learned pattern that protected me a problem is incorporate, that doesn't always work. And the other side of the spectrum, which is taking full responsibility doesn't work either. Because at the end of the day, what you want to find is really the sweet spot and the middle ground. There's only so fucking much you can control. Okay? Yes, maybe you did genuinely miss something. And it was your fault. Like, it seems what I see in my clients cluding myself at times, is his inability to be like, Yes, I fucked up and hear all the other things that were happening in the background. Like, that's what I mean, it's like taking 100 responsibility for what you can fucking control. Not everything, and not nothing, right, the sweet spot right in the middle. Because like you managers and shit, really don't care. Unless and I'll be I'll be fucking honest right here. Unless they're making that mean something about themselves, and then like rehashing their shit onto you. Most management, I would say good management do not give a shit. It's almost like, Okay, this happened. How do we fix it? Like, give me fucking solutions is Atlanta, especially with me growing up as well, me growing up, you know, me growing up to my corporate career, that is what I started to notice. And it was almost like, why are you telling me or like, you know, putting us on to other people, etc. Like, just tell me what you think it is we need to solve. However, that might be a challenge for you to do, because that has a level of vulnerability that has a level of openness, it has a level of saying I'm a fucking human, I made this mistake. And here's some of the reasons that it led to this mistake. I have too much on my plate, we don't have all these systems and processes in place. We're doing this for the first time, like, all these other things as well. It takes a level of iron this part, but here are all the other things as well. Now some of you might be like, isn't that you also being defensive? I'm like, No, I think you need to come from a place when you can just accept that, yes, this happened. I fucked up. I felt you need to create safety with that failure. When you create safety with that failure, then guess what you turn on your thinking brain, which is what I would say a lot, a lot of managers etc, want, like upper management, it's the fuckup happened. And here's what we need to do to fix it. Here's what's going on, you know, here's that shows, fucking personal growth. That is completely different. But the problem is, it likely didn't serve you. When you were growing up is what I've seen so much of my clients, like when we get into the meatiness of it, it's usually like I was, you know, braided, I was told off, maybe there's no specific experience in like, like, get school in front of everyone. And you have to work through all of that to come to a point of vulnerability with yourself and others, to openly say, I made a mistake, not make it not look, if you make a mean something about you, look, we're human. I did that the other day. And I got upset about something that happened at work. And I was like, Oh, no. But then I realized I was taking too much ownership of that thing that was happening. My brain went back into old school thinking and I caught it. I was like, I see what you're doing. You're thinking you can control everything. But like, this happened, because of like, yes, you made a mistake. And here's some other things that were outside your control, that you couldn't have worked. And from that place of just self acceptance, I was able to come up with some solutions, say, Hey, you want to avoid this in future, right? This is what we need to start doing. This is where I can help etc. That is such a better mindset to be in. The problem with this mindset is it's really challenging for people to be in and I've seen this actually from upper management before it's like a level of like, yeah, like, come to us with your problems and how you can improve things and things like that. That's really hard for people to do when we have gone through some of this like baggage when there is a level of vulnerability when and let's not dismiss workplace trauma that has happened we've all been there. I feel everyone has gone through this where they have done this. And there has been a level of rehashing onto the other person being like I can't believe you fucked up you made a mistake, etc. I've been through that myself. You then just take that and that reinforces It's not safe to fail, or fuck up, either when it comes down to a here a lot of stuff, like I was saying before, when other management are like, what is it that we need to fix, you know, you get those surveys, etc. And I get sometimes the undertone from everyone else, and I'm gonna say lower management here, where it is just like, there's nothing we can do, there's nothing we can control. And I do think at a level, some corporations do miss the fact that people have been burned massively before for challenging a system. And it actually it's not necessarily telling people, Hey, you know, you can be open, it's showing people they can be open, and it's a two way street like from my doesn't maybe right, our management need to really show that and embody that and be like not just telling people, but really letting like, really creating that safety for people, like creating the safety for fuck ups and failures as we go to do new things, etc. Like showing an end to end, I know, I make this other conversation that happen, you fucked up here, their own personal experiences as well. But vice versa, what you can do as well is create that safety for yourself is create that own mindset, I'm going to say for that self, because that is going to serve you in the long run. And it may just make sense to me. Like if you do an unintentional model, on either side of the spectrum, either you're going too much responsibility, not enough responsibility. One of your results is going to be you're kind of blaming everyone else, because you don't want to blame yourself because that feels shitty. The other side is you're you just like hate yourself. So you're just your brain is just like, Yeah, I'm just gonna hook on to this and tell you why your shit. And that should help you hopefully, that'll help you get out of this, that energy is what I want to create here.



And they're just shitty coping mechanisms that you've just experienced growing up that you don't even see as a pattern right now. And I feel I see this now on the other end, looking at when I hear you know, like I was saying before corporate like, Hey, tell us things that aren't working, etc. I think what gets missed is loose type of stuff. Like this type of deep shit, workplace trauma that has happened from other corporations, trauma has happened growing up, it gets passed on. Like I say this all the time, you will not believe how much shit or patterns or thoughts when I'm working with clients that will just sit there. And I'll just be like, tell me where you first learnt this, like, where did you first learn like, you know, why didn't file what the patent is in your life, just have a think back. And it's from fucking childhood. And they're just bringing it up and replaying it here, what used to suffice me what used to get me a whole heap of results and like attention and whatever in my life, doing work on not just on time, but like way before the due date and doing lots of work and always working. The problem is you go into corporate, and there's no parents, there's no school is known as necessarily, there's a level of structure, but you're your own parent, you have to be the one that's advocating necessarily for your needs, what you can do, what you can't do, what your capacity is, etc. You have like it's a skill gap. That's what I see a lot all the time with this stuff is really just skill gaps. And it leads to this. And this is one of them that I'm talking about here. Because a lot of this is just a fear of how we're going to feel ahead of time. We don't want to feel the shame of fucking up. Or we don't want to feel the shame of others. So we'll feel the shame ahead of time. And be like, Oh my god, I did it all. It's all my fault. And we and again, it just comes back to the brain is like I want to avoid dying right now. I don't want to be get hurt and be isolated on the attack. So it's choosing one or the other pattern. So how do we get through this? You really got to identify one your pattern, identify where this fucking came from? Where did you taking all the responsibility or not enough? come from? And then ask yourself? What are you afraid if you do like either you don't take all the responsibility or you do take all the responsibility? What are you afraid is going to happen? Because that is what your body is trying to protect you from? And what do you make this fucking shit mean about yourself? Really ask yourself that deep down? Does it mean that you're shitting your job? Do you still deep down believe that? No, some of you might be saying Michelle is hadn't you recently? What do you mean? I'm still a fucking human. The difference is I can see these patterns and I can sell free direct so I did a fucking dot thought download a model on all of this and I was just like yep, I'm just getting for lack of a better word triggered right now and it's flaring up all my emotions and all my and you know All my patterns are coming back. That's okay, I'm just gonna redirect myself here. How Don't you know Do an unintentional model. And if you're more advanced in your thought work here, definitely doing an unintentional model, like looking at really? Like what results? Are you really creating a new world? How are you acting? Like, are you frantically freaking out? Like, you know, trying to explain to your boss or was everyone else's fault, not yours? Or are you like being super apologetic? Like oh my god, I'm so sorry, it was all me etc. Like really could have a fat a line and really look at what are you create? What are you doing in that world? And then is it getting the result that you want, if the result is to just resolve the problem, being in either of those spectrums is not going to fucking help you. I know that because I do both doesn't help. It's only when I regulate myself and my emotions in the moment. And I work through all that stuff. And I talk about it a little time. If you're new here, go check out my free workbook, the secret to stop crying in the bathroom between meetings, it's great. It'll help you with all that you get a little meditation that helps you like process your emotions. It's exactly what I'm talking about here. Do that shit as well in all of this. And go write your adventure model. Like how do you want to feel when the shit happens? Right? If you could feel anything? Is it calm? Is it confident? What actions would you be doing? You wouldn't fucking be taking making it mean something about yourself? You wouldn't? You would? Look, you still would you don't people, it's not black and white. So people are like, Why aren't I jumping straight into like this perfect, beautiful way that I want to be? And model? I'm like, no, no, no, it takes practice, you gotta practice doing it. So it'll still be there. But you'll manage your emotions around it, then just write out the a line from that. Like, if you just did not give a shit that this happened, right? What would you be doing? And I say that not from a place of like, oh my god, like, I just don't care. It's more you just don't make it mean anything about yourself? Then what you would what would you be doing? You would just be treating it as like a fucking business problem. You'd be like, Oh, okay. Like, we need to do you know, how do I resolve it? What do I need to do? Who do I need to speak to? Like, you would just be like, great. You'd be like, Okay, this happened, what do we need to do next? That's it, it's like a bump in the road. Not like this fucking Mount Everest that you need to climb, or that you're turning it into? You need to make it like bump on the road. Great. We've got a flat tire. What do we need to do? When you change tire in a corner array? What do I need to do? That's what I mean, you're just seeing it as a problem that I just need to sort out and fixed and resolved from there. And you'd be really doing some work and probably models around. If other people stakeholders or colleagues are making like their own having their own experiences to this, whether it's positive or negative. What do you make of those negative experiences mean, because a lot of people come to me like, oh, I don't want people to get upset, people are gonna get upset, people are gonna get upset, you need to be okay with that. You need to create safety around that, like, you think that you're going to get fired, like the absolute worst case scenario is going to happen is going to impact your promotions, etc, your brain is just going full negative, because it wants you to not feel this way and it wants you that's the only way it knows to action, its way out of everything that's going on. Fuck that shit. The only thing you can control, you cannot control how people react. But you can control how you show up. And you can control how you show up with a managed mind. And when you have more of a managed mind a fucking guarantee you, you create way better results with within yourself but also externally as well. Because it's so much better to be just showing up being like, Hey, this is a problem. Yes, I know you're upset. This is getting pushed out. yatta yatta yatta. Here's what we're gonna do. And here's what we'll do like better next time. And it's just that's fucking growth and maturity. Okay, let people have their own emotions, let them be them. Let them do what they want to do. If you take that on board, it then is like a domino effect of emotions. And I see it all the time happen. And then what do you get, you get back into the same thing. We're taking too much responsibility on off responsibility. And it's creating that whole, like pain and misery for yourself. Like, I know, it's hard. And that's like a separate thing. And I'll probably do another episode, I think I have done an episode around this one actually check out people who take their like how to deal with people to take their job really seriously. And I talk about this a lot, which is really just that. At the end of the day, people have other people have emotions. And really, when you come to a place of acceptance of that you can actually show up with a place of compassion and empathy. The way you do that is when you distance yourself and you're not making you're not making it mean that that person's reaction to whatever it is, you've done, means something about yourself, because that's what happens. You're like, Oh, I did this. And I talked about a little bit as well around how really, to an extent when we actually can't control how people like think and feel. We can to extend or give you an extreme example, obviously don't go around like slapping people in the face like no one's gonna like that. Of course and don't be a dick. Don't treat us well. I teach to be an asshole in society. What I mean is like, take it. It's like take it with a grain of salt. Like look at how you over the top people pleasing. You know it's like oh my god I have to you know I have to make the boss happy and all of that look at what it's creating for yourself. Are you overworking? How's it showing up in your life? Are you creating less pain for yourself? Anyway, that's my episode for today. I think it's a really interesting one because I've seen this in a lot of my clients. I went through this recently myself and when I came on the other side of it, like I've been I've seen this before, but I really had was like, oh wait a minute. Is taking too much is taking too little. I'm like, Oh, this would be you're making really great episode but people have been doing this themselves. So wanted you to hear it. I hope it helps you. Take care. I will see you next week. Bye.