In today's episode I am going to talk openly about suicidal ideation and some ways I manage it.
In this episode we discuss:
This is not medical advice please seek assistance if you require further support below: International Suicide Hotlines
Show notes and the transcript can be found here: https://michellekevill.com/podcast
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Hello, everyone, I hope you're well. And if not, I got you at least you are here. My name is Michelle Kevill. And I help high achieving cobalt women feel passionate about their Java. Welcome to today's episode, I'm still figuring out the title. And I'm the little a little bit nervous to share. I've had one really big intense week emotionally. And I've talked about this a little bit before in my story, and around the fact that I have dealt with suicide before. And what I haven't really been super open about, at least on the podcast, sometimes in my stories I am is a little bit around suicidal ideation. Now previously, I thought to myself, am I the person to talk on this, etc. And I want to caveat by saying that, no, I'm not a psychologist, I'm not a therapist, if you're feeling suicidal, please stop, please call get help, there is some numbers for you to call mainly link in the bio link in the bio, and we're going to want to read Instagram, you know, I mean, it's in the show notes there. This is a revelation that kind of hit me. And I feel like I wanted to kind of share some of the insights that have helped me to grow. So I'm just gonna get straight into it, frankly, sometimes I still deal and have to manage my mind over suicidal ideation. Now, I assumed when I was getting coached that this would just magically disappear because I was managing my emotions, etc. And I assumed that this would go away. Now, this was a few years ago, and I'll come to the revelation that hit me today. And also is this something that this is happening to people it is happening to everyone everywhere, and don't feel like it's getting talked enough about but at least in the way that I'm talking about it. So I hope this resonates and helps you. So a few years ago, I start this work, I start feeling a lot more confident, my job, my whole life, my relationships, everything. And yet every now and again, typically for me around what is my period, I would deal with intense amounts of suicidal ideation and wanting to not be alive. And I remember feeling so much shame over it, but also confusion. And I remember one time I just started opening up to my partner, I was like, What is going on with me like what is happening? And I remember he said to me, something to me, that was so clear, and I was so glad he said it to me. He basically said, Why is it a problem? If these thoughts are happening? Now, that might be a little bit triggering to hear for some people? Because I think how we've been taught when it comes to especially suicide, which of course if you're feeling suicidal, then yes, getting the help is required. The problem is when you're dealing with ideation, I didn't actually want to off myself, I just want to escape. And when it was challenged to me like that, it made me stop and think, why is it a problem that I'm having this thought, if I just treat this neutrally? Why is that a problem. And then it opened up a whole can of worms. For me, like I realized I had shame around my suicide attempt, I realized I had a lot of fear whenever the thought might pop up, because I thought, Oh, my God, am I going down to a spiral. And it led me on a path to realize that I don't need to take this voice seriously. And I've been doing that for quite a while now. And it's interesting, once I just accepted like this is just my brain at some random point is going to do this. It started to ease away so much more. And the reason I'm opening up about this to you guys, is because if it wasn't for just being like challenged on what I would say is a taboo topic, I probably would have never gotten to this point, I then started asking for coaching on this topic. And it was challenging. Some people were a little bit shocked. And it was like no, I want to get for me myself. And you have to be in the right headspace to this. I'm not recommending you go get coached for suicide, there's not what I'm saying here. I myself saw it from a different light and was like, hang on, I want to explore this a little bit differently. And it came to the realization that I had a lot of shame that I needed to process but I also was making it mean that something terribly horrible was going wrong. And I was at a place where I realized there are thoughts that are just going to pop up in my head like the craziest things ever. And I don't have to make them mean absolutely anything. And that gave me so much power again. So fast forward to now. And I came under a lot of stress at work and in my business as well. And it was kind of just and the stress wasn't even bad. It were How do I explain it? The stress was it was all coming from inside my head. I was placing really high expectations on myself again. And that's This is what happens when you do more and more challenging things the old habits will start to pop up however we work through processing our emotions, all the stuff that I teach you, if you're a longtime listener, you know this. But what I noticed is again, of course, the ideation pops up and only exists now, I have changed this recently. And I think this might help you as well, because I've really started to realize the words that we are using. And how we talk to ourselves is so important. Instead of saying, like, I don't want to be alive, I just say, I want a temporary escape from how I'm feeling right now. Because that's honestly what it is. I just honestly have so much emotion. I'm not always letting it out in the most healthiest way. And sometimes it's building up. And sometimes I am doing all that. And still, my brain is just chattering away. And it hit me like a ton of bricks, because I was talking to my coach, we were talking at all about this. And a lot like I cannot believe and this the reason I'm sharing this is because I believe that this might help someone this might help someone come to a realization. What I realized I've been doing whenever my brain tells me like you should basically die and not be here or not be alive is I realized, this is just an internalized voice that I have heard before in my childhood. This is a voice this voice telling me to die is trying to protect itself. Because what happened to tiny Michelle, and her emotions were all over the place and the parents couldn't handle it. It was comments like, stop acting like this, or I'll kill you. And this isn't to like, again, badmouth my parents, if you've heard my app talked about this in previous episodes as well, like, I cannot change the past, I can just move forward. I know not everyone's at that place yet. That is okay. For me, I realized I was like, Oh my God. Like when I am saying this to myself, it's like I'm telling a younger Michelle or a part of me, you need to die. Like you need to go, you need to disappear. And I think that is part of me trying to protect me and dismiss my emotions. Because this typically starts to happen when I repress my emotions. Like, as I start to feel it rise up, then I'll start to hear all that, like, You shouldn't be here, you shouldn't be alive. And I was like, Oh, my freaking god, this is insane. This is so powerful, what the hell. So and it to me, it's just, it's so important. Now I've realized how we talk to ourselves. Affirmations like, I do, you know, I talk about like thought downloads and like practicing thoughts and stuff like that. It has never hit me more than right now around how fucking important this shit is. We think when we say things like, you know, I'm so dumb, or I can't do this or whatever, even like really blase topics, like, laughing so hard, I'm dying or something like that. We think that that's like, you know, it's just all talk. But I actually think at a deeper level, there is a part of us that is of hearing that and absorbing that is typically our subconscious. Before I was kind of I want to say going along with it, not going along with it, but they kind of talk about, like, I took some stuff that I used to do from therapy, like if you have that nagging voice, you know, you give it a name. So I used to give this kind of like a bit of a name. I used to imagine it like a Dementor wishes coming in, like I used to kind of kind of try to minimize it, if that makes sense in my mind. But I realized what I was doing is kind of going along with it as well. And what I actually want to do is, it's not that I want to completely push it out, because knowing me when I try to push something out, it speaks louder. What I want to do is yes, let us have its voice but then start speaking to that. Michelle, that part of me, that is having all these emotions, feeling really scared, expressing those emotions and creating safety for yourself. And how you do that. Check out my book, The secret to smoke free workbook secret to stop crying in the bathroom between meetings in regards to purely emotional regulation. Again,
I really do want to make this clear. If you are actually suicidal, this is not the place to be in. Because he thought you mean I was hearing this stuff when I was potentially like suicidal, I think I would have just kind of being like, like, you're in a completely different headspace when you actually want to kill yourself suicidal ideation, at least for me, and maybe everyone else, it's the pot before it. It's a pot where you're kind of losing or help hope it's a part where you're kind of revving yourself up. It's a part where there is a part of you that just wants to run the fuck away. And the only way it thinks to do that in some way that is like almost honorable is by dying, because that is what I used to think like even way way before this are the only way to escape, like my job and family and stuff like that not running away because that's too much work and effort to do that. No, it's just dying because it's easy, it's quick, I don't have to feel anymore at the end of the day are our bodies want to keep us safe. And I used to be under so much duress and stress, way, way back quite a few years ago that my body would rather like die to literally avoid pain. And I honestly think that that is like a evolution thing as well, like, its biggest thing is to avoid pain. And it's all just complete doom and gloom. It's like, let's just get out of here and escape. I wanted to share this because I know people who are a corporate I project has fucking failed. And then afterwards, potentially, your brain has gone into I don't want to be alive anymore. And you might feel like a complete fucking idiot. You might think why am I stressing about something like this? Like all the bureau people are literally dying, there are people out there who don't have rights. Why am I doing this? I wanted to share for you where some of this might be coming from for you, obviously go explore this with a psychologist, etc. But I had to share it today. I have been really silent on social media just processing all of this, I'm about to do a story about it. But I was like, I gotta get on here. I gotta record it. I gotta get my voice heard. Because I know if I heard this coming out of what I was going through, I would have been like, oh my god, fuck yes, I finally feel heard and listened to. I do feel like a weirdo. You're not a weirdo, you very likely have struggle with your emotions, especially at corporate and it gets to a lot. And you're probably thinking it's a job, it's not the job, you've been given really shitty coping skills. I'm also neurodivergent I feel emotions a lot more intensely, I have to have different strategies. Coaching for me has been so fucking helpful in taking my life back to the point that I've been promoted twice, in under a year. That's right, I've gone from like complete zero to that. It is possible. And it is just because I have really reasonable time I'm up leveling my shit. Like I've gotten to a point now now I'm working with my coach, I am expanding my capacity to do big things. And because of that, yeah, old habits are going to come back. One of them is sometimes a suicidal ideation for me. I know how to handle it, which I'm so happy about. However that is taken. Like, again, I cannot stress this enough. And I'm not trying to stress this to just like protect myself. It's literally also for you, I want to make sure you're in the right kind of mind frame. Because I like I said before, when you are in the thick of it. This is not for you like this type of stuff. Right now. It's kind of like when you come out of it, kind of like when the ideation kind of starts kind of like when you're sitting there. And you're like, like, is this all there is to kind of life. That's where I was as well, I Yeah, and it pops up. And you know what I mean? Like ideation literally pops up. And now I just don't make it a big deal. And I think a lot of people go through the same thing, just like this random ideation, and they freak out about it. And I think that's because our society has told us like, Oh, my God, this happens, it's so bad. And it's such a bad thing once a one is a taboo topic. But the second thing as well as I could never openly talk about this at the time for me with my mental health professional, because I was so worried that I would then get committed. So I would keep this to myself. Don't keep it to yourself, like for five to six, even at least tell a friend or a partner or a loved one I had, it took me time. But I started to do that because I just built this massive wall around myself where I'm like, I don't want to burden anyone, etc. And that did almost lead to my death. Because I took a chance on vulnerability I opened up to my partner. And now I've gotten to a point where I'm opening up to you guys, even though part of me is like, don't do it. It's bad. But that is okay. This because this shit needs to be talked about. Because it's so I think when it comes to main tips, it was more I wanted to share this insight because it might help you because you are kind of managing your life right now. But kind of managing like you're half managing, like you're wearing a mask. And then every now and again. You're like driving home from work and you're like I could just work, crash and not be here anymore. And you're kind of like freaking out about it. Look at how you have been traded when it comes to your emotions. What life experiences have you gone through that health lead to this? Because frankly, I've always said new previously in my story. Suicide to me is just an escape from the human experience because it's just too intense and we don't know how to manage it and if some people are just feeling it more intensely, there needs to be like you know, the needs to get helps coping skills etc. to work through that. What has led me to not getting down that massive path One psychology helped. But again, as I talk about in my story, it helped to an extent it got me back on my feet and out into corporate, and then it would all start all over again, coaching is what got me from like, I'm kind of handling it to, oh my god, like I'm really thriving at life, and then able to kind of manage these other little tidbits as well on the side. And just know unless, unless, of course, my brain is going to freak out and tell me all this stuff. And when I when I'm literally doing things that is expanding my capacity that I never thought I'd be doing before. And of course, all those old thoughts and shit like that is going to come up because my brain is subconsciously setting really high expectations on myself in all areas of my life. I mean, all areas, I mean, I had a flip freak out, because you didn't know, I'm getting married. And it was like, you just gonna be an ugly bride. Like, I went to full on town. I was like, where's this will coming from? And it was just all this internal crap really coming to the surface? And I'm like, Yep, okay, this is the work. This is just what we're doing right now. We've just got to work through this and move through it. So yeah, that is all I have for you today. I hope it helps you. If this really resonates with you. Come check me out. I'm on Instagram, check out my free workbook. It might help when it comes to your emotions, and just managing it and know that there's nothing wrong with you at all. You're a perfectly valid human and you can manage this shit. You can manage your emotions, if you feel like they're too much and taking over you and be really successful in corporate, you just likely don't have the skills or the tools that are working for you to do that. And this is why I do it. I do it because it's not like I'm coping. I'm handling my shit. And I'm wanting to share it with you. Because there are too many people or too many women who are going out there. Probably exactly like me. And they think that there's something wrong with him and then there's nothing wrong with him. It has nothing to do with them. You're just missing a tool. Anyway, that is all for today. I will talk to you soon. Bye