How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings

How to be proud and display your work

April 17, 2023 Michelle Kevill Season 1 Episode 88
How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings
How to be proud and display your work
Show Notes Transcript

In today's episode I am going to talk about how to authentically be proud of the work you do and display it to leadership.

 In this episode we discuss:

  • Why you don't like showcasing your work to mgmt.
  • Societal and patriarchal beliefs that hold you back
  • A real solution to feel authentically proud about your work

Show notes and the transcript can be found here:

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Hello, everyone, I hope you're well. And if not, I got you at least you are here. My name is Michelle Kevill. And I help high achieving covet women to feel passionate about their job again. And today's episode, I'm always still figuring out the bloody title for these things. But it's about being proud of the work you do. That's coming from like a genuine place and not in like a suck up place, which I feel for a lot of my clients, including myself a few years ago, can be really, really challenging. And it's important I you know, for like corporate branding and stuff like that. Now, if you know what I talk about here, I'm not your typical curry corporate coach, I'm not like you know, you know, defining your brand and stuff like that. I'm more about like, how to keep yourself emotionally healthy, so that your true talents and nature pops up. And something that I've also noticed personally, in my career, that really was a hard kind of sticking point for me. And what I'm noticing for a lot of women as well, is really being able to showcase your work, or just be proud of what you've done and share that with others. I just thought was interesting, because it happened to me a few weeks ago, like, I had just finished a project, it had gone really successful, we had like a whole heap of milestones on it. And I just felt a little bit not as much as I used to, but a little ping of achiness, around copying like these super senior people to basically, you know, be proud and tell them all about that. And I thought, Oh, interesting. This could be an episode because I do not doubt that this happens for you at work. And I want to explain a little bit around why you feel this way why you're potentially judging others, including yourself, why it is. So there'll be a little bit of corporate speak here, like a little bit of cooperating, why it is important in regards to like career and stuff like that. And how to kind of move on from that how to basically showcase your work in a way that doesn't feel fucking gross, icky. Suck up, he just feels more natural. It feels proud. It feels like you know, when you have like your best friend and say that doing something, actually good example, it would actually be my partner. When he tells people what I do. He is like so fucking proud. Like he is like, Oh my God, look at what my girlfriend does. Oh, fiance Now, check out her podcast, check out our website. Kinda like that. Like that genuine love. Like, yeah, like, look at what this person is doing. But doing that for yourself, because a lot of this is really, drumroll please. internalized misogyny because I do not see many men dealing with this problem. I'm not saying they don't. I just see I'm just seeing it at such different levels. When I hear it from men versus when I hear from women. It is like women are more like no, I it was not me. I am I was just a joke played a tiny part in all of this. I do not deserve this recognition. I just and it's just like, oh my god, like no, no, this is bullshit. Like, let's wait, it's 2023. Ladies, we are allowed to be fucking proud of what we have achieved. So let us go into this and unpack it. So I'm gonna start with a little story. I remember it was really early in my career when I started. And I remember one of my colleagues was kind of like a mentor for me. He basically said to me, Michelle, you are such an amazing hard worker. But you never showcase what you do to others. You never do that. Like you never tell people about it. You obviously you tell your manager what you've done, but you're not showcasing who you are your skills like the corporate branding bullshit kind of thing, right? And I say bullshit because I was like, never really into that type of stuff. And I found it a little bit like, oh, okay, like, here's the thing, they never can teach you this shit in university, right? The problem was like, Okay, where did this all come from? Firstly, I was like, a little bit not annoyed. But I was kind of like, oh, okay, like, I didn't know, this was a thing we kind of had to do. And when I saw other people do it, I used to judge the shit out of them. Because to me, it just came off really fake. Now part of our judgment was coming from the fact that like, sometimes not for me sometimes it just genuinely did seem fake to me. And I, I hate if you know me, I hate that type of shit. Like, I just can sense it. And I hate it. I can sense the inauthenticity and it makes me want to vomit. And I just, it's like it. And I, of course would be hyper aware of that for myself and never wanted to do that too. And then secondly, yeah, I would also judge people because I'm like, Oh, well, that person has the confidence to go out there. Be proud of what they're doing. And I can't know, I never knew that at the time. But that was happening on a subconscious level. So if this resonates with you, right, I want to, I want to also start with an email, it's going to feel achy. All right, if you were like, like me, and it comes to this, I will tell you, where it comes from, obviously, how to deal with it, because that's the aim of this podcast. But also, I'm gonna tell you why it's really important, as well, because it fucking is important to be showcasing your work. And I'm going to tell you how to do in an authentic way, which how, by the way, has taken so much mindset work. And it really comes down to like, a lot of the stuff I talked about, like repairing yourself and stuff like that, like talking about yourself, like you would a friend, like, let's just say your best friend has started a business, I don't know, maybe they're making like little ceramic pots, and they're beautiful. And you just think they're amazing. And the way you talk about it is so authentic, you need to do that for yourself at the moment, you can't. Because we have a lot of beliefs around how women really should show up in society and how it should be, we should hide ourselves. And if you're anything like me, just showcasing your work, kind of just seems suck up like it used to. Because you have a lot of beliefs. But this is why it's so the reason it's so important, right? Then know what this is what pisses me off. No one, I still remember being told when I like new job straight out of uni, someone said to me, Michelle, at uni, they want to know what you're thinking about our corporate, they just want to know the solution. And then I had to learn all this shit about presenting, you know, top down key information. I'm sitting there thinking what, why? Why was I not taught this before? Why am I learning this? Like now? I am not prepared for the world right now. Or the corporate world at least. It's look, I talked about this before, in one of my episodes, I think it was like, I can't remember I'm sorry, I can't remember the episodes. But I'm using like the shopping bag metaphor, right? Oh, that's right, I think it was to do with like in the invisible workload, like, you know, when we're kind of, we have all this work, but we're not communicating it to our bosses, etc. And we're just taking on more work. It's like an invisible shopping bag, and no one can see them. And you're just putting on a mask, it's kind of the same with this, right? We are taught at school to work really hard, and we will get results. This is a mindset, I'm a millennial, it might be a little bit different. If maybe you're younger, and you're Gen Zed. Like, you know, the mindset might be a bit different. But as a consistent mindset that we are taught at school, which is and likely through our families as well. It's working hard equals results. And that is not fucking true at all, especially if you run a business. It's taught at all like that. There is just some people who were lucky, there are just some people who have more privilege. There are some people who are strategic that like you just hold like I have a whole episode on how working less creates more value because of how our brains are operated. Like, it's not the same thing. And the problem is, think about it, what would you do at school, you'd work really hard on a report, or even if you did it last minute, doesn't matter. You've worked on it, right? And then it teacher looks at it reviews it great and gives you a mark, etc. And you get all this feedback validation. Like you're really only going to one person. And of course, you could say and again, I'm not the corporate kind of podcast, if that makes sense. Like the whole. You know that that like branding and stuff like that. Yeah, you could say that, like, your manager should also be showcasing your work as well. But also you need to be you need to be proud of your work, whether it is showcasing it proudly to your manager, or showcasing it within the business or having a conversation to be like, Hey, I'm really proud. I really want to let so and so no, etc. I'm not going to get into like corporate politics and shit like that. But I do think what happens even at like such a low level, when we even get any form of feedback, you're shying away from it. And you're like, oh, no, it wasn't that hard. It was actually so and so in this team that did like a really lots and stuff like that. Now, here's the thing, you are more than happy to like note people like who helped you, etc. Along the way, that's fine. But you're allowed to be proud of the work that you did in that project to come together. You're allowed to own that.



And where are we going this as well. It's like the invisible shopping thing metaphor that I'm talking about. Like some of my clients have gone for promotions or have gone for stuff and some of the feedback may have been like, what are you doing? What have you done? Of course, you're listing it out. But what does help if if people are seeing the work that you are doing? It's kind of like me, if I did all this work for a podcast, but I'm not submitting it out or my posts even I'm not submitting it out into the universe. You're doing the work But you it's okay, you're allowed to tell people you're allowed to showcase it, it does help. When you're going through your career when you are moving up to build those relationships and showcase that work and not just when it comes to promotion time, just during your career, like when it happens to be like, Hey, I've seen your person, here's some of the stuff I did. Now, we can go on a whole massive tangent, because they have with some people around should this be a manager's responsibility, yada, yada, yada, I'm not going to go into that, frankly, not enough people are proud of what they do, especially women, okay? And not enough people are knowing or leveraging forms of communication. instances where a person is like a management is speaking to you about a project and stuff like that when you're with them, to just be openly proud about it. Why is that? Well, you've been socialized to be a woman, if you feel this thing, you could be a guy. And this could be the same for you as well. But women have really been told to tone down your shit. Do not be proud. Think about others. That is why I hear every fucking time and I still hear this today in meetings, and it's totally fine. By the way, again, you will I'm the type of person I own what I own, but I will also, you know what, we'll group with other people, I'll be like, yeah, so and so did this, so and so did that. Like, I will flag that I did that. Actually, recently. I was like, yeah, so and so actually made this suggestion. And I came together and we, you know, resolve this thing here. This is what I did. And I'm proud of that. Like, but what I hear is women just being like, oh, no, it really wasn't me. It was, you know, I was fine. I didn't do much and just really dismissing themselves. Because that is what we have been taught how we should fit in society. That's how we should act. That's the respect we get, if we are too confident, we're being too big for our boots. And why? Why like, who does that serve? Other than the fucking patriarchy, honestly, because I see a lot more men who are more confident and being able to do that, and own their piece of work, etc. And so like, let's what you've got this belief here that sticking there. And then to do it, right, because I do not doubt if you're listening, and you're female, you've obviously heard this and have been told to only work and be more competent. And you're also kind of sitting there like, Yeah, but I don't want to be like a suck up. One. If you see other people do it like before, like I said, you're judging others, because you know, you can't do it yourself. But also, you do want it because it doesn't feel natural for you to showcase your work to be proud of what you're doing. Of course, it's going to feel inauthentic and icky and gross. Because you are genuinely not proud of the work you have done. You genuinely dismiss it and you think it is nothing. So I want you to ask yourself, Where did this come from? Where did you learn this growing up? What was a key moment? Whether it be like because societal look, because it was pretty easy. We all got this kind of main message, right? But where did you learn it? Was it with your parents? Was it at school, what was a key moment where you are shut down. And you were told to tone it down to keep it quiet. I have many instances in my life, where I was told to tone down, stop being too confident. And just, you know, got to be with everyone else. And that isn't to disrespect my family. It's just they're just giving me the messages or they look themselves for what a woman should fit in society. And now, I've done a ton of work to unlearn that. So guess what, of course is going to feel inauthentic, because there's that voice, whether it's your mother's voice, parents voice, whatever it is, teachers voice is coming in and being like, no, shush, keep quiet. It also doesn't feel safe, to be confident to be out in the open to be proud of something, you know, was emails talking to you about I was really proud of this project. I was telling people, it was just a small ping. But it used to be so hard for me to do so hard for me to like Lupien people and be really proud and talk about it openly. And it was like, Well, what if you've made a mistake? Or what if something bad's happened? What about bla bla it was just it was fear. It was fear of like being caught out of like learning something. And then like, I don't know, there's a massive issue with it. And it's like showcase to the world now. And even if that was true, well then what? Like so what? Like what's, you know, what is the worst case scenario then? Like it's all going to come with 5050 here like you've got a it's okay, I talked about this before there's an episode around ownership and owning. Oh, yeah, that's right. So one that's like, you know how to do it. When you fuck up at work, how to get over it. And like, really, it's talking about taking responsibility for what you You have done but not taking responsibility for everything like every single problem the organization has, which so many people do. So a lot of this is like it's protection. It's this is going against what the like good girl complexes, this isn't right. Like, I don't want to do this like it's it's wrong etc It's doesn't feel right. So therefore it's going to come off inauthentic because you don't even believe in it yourself. So what's the work to come off authentic? Because now I've come to a point in my life, because I genuinely am proud of what I've done. And I've like unlearn a whole heap of this shit, or I'm still I'm still on learning. It's, you know, it's a journey here. It comes off as genuine like, now I am genuinely proud. And I look at a project and all that, like issues that have happened that I've gone through. And I'm like, Yeah, I look at myself, like I'm looking at, like, you know, my partner, when, you know, when they do computer stuff, and I'm telling people about it. I'm like, yeah, really proud of like, all that cool stuff that they did. And I want to tell people about it, you need to do that for yourself, because then it comes up genuine, because that is the biggest thing. That is the biggest thing. For me, it is also the biggest thing I see with some of my clients, it's like, I don't want to come up off as like, a suck up, or this fakeness. Like, if you were like me, I hate I cannot. And I can sense it a mile away. And sometimes look, sometimes my intuition is off, but a lot of the times it is on and I don't know if also that's because I'm Australian, too. Because Australians, we pretty, we're pretty to the point, you know, we, you know, we've got this thing called tall poppy syndrome. Like, you know, we don't want to be like ahead of, you're allowed to be proud. But also we can sense bullshit, we have good bullshit meter, I would feel I would say, in Australia, sense this kind of stuff. And I never wanted to come off like that. So for you, if this is something you want to work on, right, you want to work on. Okay, Michelle, I want to start showcasing, you know, my work, I want to be proud of what I'm doing, not just because you want to be promoted, but because like, why the fuck not? Why the fuck not be proud of the work that you have done at your job and tell people about it. But just from a place like you're telling your best friend, like, you know, like, Oh, my best friend makes pottery and stuff like that, isn't that just a better place to be in just to like, love yourself for who you are, and authentically showcase that. It's just a better way of living girl, like, why not. So what you want to do is you want to first look at, like I said before your beliefs, where they're coming from, and then form some of those beliefs and their stories like you can write it out or talk for me, I actually typed a lot of my stuff out. Just really write out where you learned this memory from and start to pinpoint some of the beliefs or thoughts you have. And in even if you can't go that deep look at some examples now of where you've been able to showcase something. And it's been scary. And I want you to bring up some of those thoughts. It could be, you know, I want to sound like a sucker, etc. And I want you to probe those thoughts. And my best probing tool is to ask why or why is that a problem to get to the deep root thought around? What it is that is kind of stopping you from showing up authentically, when you find that thought, you want to really get to know that thought you want to really notice when it's popping up for you.



You want to know again, where did I learn this? Where did I come from? Where did it? Where did it come from? We want to look at how that's really making you feel how that's making you show up in your corporate world right now and what results you're getting. And then it's looking at if you can feel any way whether it's like proud, calm, confident, what would you be doing, what were those actions look like? And you can start off small, you might not be brave enough to be like looping in a super senior person. Or maybe it's just your manager. Maybe it's just forwarding them being like, Hey, this is what it is. There's some stuff etc. And it's looking at what would you need to think but what would you not just what would you need to think about the situation itself? I want you to know, or would you need to think about yourself in this moment? How would you need to think about you. And the best way to do it is to write that thought as if you are a third person. Imagine this because what I'm talking to telling you is really an intentional model. If this is a friend, right? If you look at this, you write this all out it's a friend. I want you to look at it like like it's a third person like what would you be thinking about them? And now doesn't have to be wonderful. You can write out a story for this person as if like this, like a specific thing. Like why if you are showcasing your friend for this project can be proud about what would you be saying and that can sometimes help your brain as well. Anyway, everything if you're new, like why does this matter? Well check out my real The early episodes were tell you all the science behind this. And really we want to do is we were reprogramming your brain, frankly, you want to feel more authentic, you want to feel more proud of yourself, you kind of have to change some of your thoughts and genuinely start believing them. And it is through practice. It is through reframing, it's knowing where this is coming from that this starts to occur. Does it happen instantly? No, it doesn't. You have a lot of time, and it takes time, and that's fine as well. So yeah, that's it for today. That is it. That's really because here's the thing, right? Because I hear this all the time, I hear a whole heap of shit. Like it's like surface level solutions to deeper problems. It's like, just tell more people just showcase just be proud. Just put your hands on, you know, hands on your hips, because I apparently can be threatening, but you know what I mean? Like stuff that I hear like, just like tell more people just be proud. But like, if you could do that you would do that right now. You need a solution that's going to address a deeper problem, which is likely that you aren't proud of yourself, girl. And this is how you change that. I will leave you with that and I will see you next week. Bye.