How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings

The Truth About Results: Why Your Thoughts Aren't Everything

May 15, 2023 Michelle Kevill Season 1 Episode 90
How to deal with Big F*cking Feelings
The Truth About Results: Why Your Thoughts Aren't Everything
Show Notes Transcript

In today's episode I am going to talk about how you're taking coaching concepts too literally and instead using it to be mean to yourself.

 In this episode we discuss:

  • Why taking coaching to bible is ruining your progress
  • How pressuring yourself to always have motivated thoughts is stressful
  • How to integrate coaching concepts into your everyday 
  • How you should use thought work moving forward

Show notes and the transcript can be found here:

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Hello, everyone, I hope you're well. And if not, I got you, at least you are here. My name is Michelle Kevill. And I help high achieving cope, women feel passionate about their job again. Now, you saw the title for today's episode, and you are big into the coaching world well strap yourselves in for this one, because this is going to be a kind of out of the box. I don't say to boo, but it's a stretched view of thinking. And it has happened to my clients has also happened to me. And I've come to a place where it's really in the middle. And I know for a lot of you, you are taking the model you are taking thought work, it's like so sit, you take it very literally, you're taking it to Bible and want to give you some tips that are going to help when it comes to just navigating life because sometimes Shit happens. So let's get into it. So look, what I'm talking about is thought your thoughts don't always create your results. I know it's a bit, it's a bit of a big one. Now, for those of you that are maybe a bit new might be thinking, well, what am I talking about? So I studied at the Life Coach School. And I teach something called the model. And I've talked about it before in my very earlier episodes, where, wherever it is external stimuli circumstance, whatever you want to call it, we have thoughts about it, it makes us feel a certain way we do certain actions and creates a certain result for us. It is something I teach and it is a fantastic model to help you really understand where your thinking is impacting your life, where it's making things worse, how you want to start showing up, etc, or a whole heap of stuff. Real seriously, first few episodes, go listen to those because I talk about it in way more detail. Here's what I have been seeing with my clients, I've also been recently not doing this as well. And it's the fact that people take this model. So literally, and what you do is you end up gaslighting yourself with this model, because this model is fantastic you learn about it, you start realizing that you can literally map out how you want to start acting in regards to goals, whether it's getting that promotion, starting a side hustle, whatever it is, and I see this all the time, when it comes to very external goals, big things like you know, a promotion, getting a new project, a new client, whatever it is, that's when it typically happens. The idea being that if you think a new thought you feel a certain way, you will just get this result. Now, here's the thing, here's my, here's my take on it, you will get this result, but it doesn't happen instantaneously. And what happens all the time this happened to me probably about six months ago, is you can start to berate yourself for not getting the result, you then start thinking that there is something wrong with you. Because your thinking is new things are feeling a certain way you're doing these actions, and nothing is moving like it feels like there's absolutely no traction, you look around you. And then there are other people. And they might be you might be in the same. If you're in that, you know, coaching community, whatever, like you might see other people, they're doing all that type of stuff. And they're getting all these results. And you're sitting there thinking, what the fuck am I doing wrong? This is ridiculous. And this is where people take it so seriously. And this is where I think sometimes the wider industry use it, we take it way too literally like thoughts, equal results. If that was true, then really early stages of my career and also just like my business, I should have gotten like, No, I shouldn't have gotten any traction. Because I was thinking like really crappy thoughts, especially in my career about myself. And I still got somewhere. This is how I'm going to summarize it for you who like really struggle with this, you're thinking all the thoughts, you're feeling all the feelings, you feel like nothing is moving, whether it's your career, whether it's whatever it is, the model is not an input output machine. It helps you get in the best possible mindset so you can leverage opportunities around you. That is honestly the best fucking way to put it. It is why some people get results really fast, and others and others it might be taking you or other people are taking a bit longer. And then what you do what's happening right is you don't know the exact timing with everything. It's not a literal input output machine. Like if I put x amount of thoughts or I think this many thoughts this many times a day, the result isn't going to happen because the problem is to then you just think it but you don't actually do anything then nothing is gonna happen. Now you might be thinking and doing things and things are still not happening to things without one are you taking every single action now I'm not saying that to gaslight you because that isn't the thing. That happens a lot. Everyone's like, Oh, you're taking all the actions because here's the thing, there's some actions you just in your soul do not want to take and that's fucking okay. It's like, if you really, really want, like you love your company, and you really want that promotion, but maybe you realize by Have everything you look at all the facts, everything is going on at the moment. You're not, it's not going to happen unless you leave. But you don't want to leave. That's totally fine. It's kind of integrating what I like to do with my clients. It's integrating thought work really with real life, it's what I would say. Because especially if you're in the coaching world, it's like sometimes, and I used to do this, I did this all the time, I took the model as literal Bible, like, if I think all these good things, I feel a certain way. And I know there is some coaches and stuff out there and like manifestation, it's totally fine. If you're into that, I'm more kind of like, to me, it's more if you are thinking things, if you're feeling a certain way, you're always going to see good results for yourself. And that's going to keep you motivated to getting to what you want. It may not be straight away, though. Another way I like to put it for you is like this, because you probably heard the, like the glass water metaphor, like I say, for example, like when they say like, you know, it's definitely your thoughts, create your results. It's like, you know, you could you know, you can just pour a glass of water and stuff like that, like you think it and you know it? How about this, there are some people out there who get really easy, really easy for them to just go, they just go and it's like, oh my god, they've just pulled a glass of water. They never did it before. But they're doing it now. Because I think some people have to get through a whole heap of bags of trash on the way to pouring the water and those bags of trash or like unhealed trauma, money fears, a whole heap of other things. Some people it's like an absolute forest that they have to cut down with bags of trash to get through that some people have more privilege. And they're able to get more access to certain people certain things, certain learnings, or whatever it is or just access to assets so they can spend or invest in that whatever you want to call it on themselves, as able to escalate that, but a lot of you are doing is you're fighting these facts. It's like you don't see all the garbage in the trash. You just see like the glass of water from me taking this metaphor here, you're like, I'm thinking all this stuff. And I'm and I Why can't I pull the glass water like so and so over, there's pouring glass of water, and I'm like, there's actually a whole heap of shit that you have to like, go through unlearn, unpack, do to get to that. And even then you're gonna go to the glass of water, you're gonna fuck it up a few times, it's also totally fine. You're gonna pour it and then the other day not know, we're gonna know how to pour it like, what does this all mean, then is all the stuff that I'm teaching completely fake? Absolutely not. I say this all the time. I explain it with myself, I got promoted two times in under a year, that would not have happened if I didn't work on my thoughts and mindset. But I can't sit there and say that that wasn't an opportunity within the environment in the organization that I was in again, I leveraged an opportunity because I had the right mindset. I had to change completely. It's like, I was a plant in a good environment. And I was watering myself with the better mindset is what I'm saying, then I was able to grow and keep learning and keep expanding my capacity and grow into like a big old tree. Now, that's not to say because then on the flip side, some people like, well, there are people out there, like no way worse off, or maybe you're thinking I'm way worse off than other people. So like the work won't work won't work for me, you're still going to be better off a fucking guarantee you 100% Again, you can't think your way at it. Or you cannot think your way out of poverty or anything like that. And having a managed mind, especially in the world that we live in, post pandemic with a recession. I don't know it potentially coming or inflation or whatever cost of living and all of that has never been more important. What is going to work in this world? You freaking the fuck out about everything? Are you being able to manage yourself? Now? Yes, for some people, you're gonna have to manage more than another person who may or might have like less shit to worry about, or what I should say is different shit to worry about. Some of those things are like things that should be a basic fucking right frankly. Another example I gave which is going to relate to another episode that I'm working on is for example, at the moment like the job market model is here. What I teach is what everything that I teach is here to create the best state you can in what you're in. It doesn't mean you can't keep expanding your capacity and create creating amazing things and amazing goals for yourself. But it is not a cupcake machine or like a lonely machine where you put in some money and then lowliest come out.



You've got to stay consistently in belief, and I know that's so fucking hard. Trust me. I've been there too. It is hard. But if you keep going, keep believing you end up getting to your goal. What happens is a lot of you see it and just like see it or you see others you might see your colleagues doing really well getting promoted. You think I'm just doing it wrong, isn't right, I'm doing it completely wrong. I'm like, it's not working, it sucks, and you get really upset about it, I would say, honor how you're feeling, honor that upsetness. But I would also really look at if this is happening for you, if there is as deep one or need to get there. So to whatever it is quickly, to look at, if you really believe that you are going to get there. Because this is a lot of what I see true, because we learn this thing, oh my god, it's amazing. It's great, this is awesome. I'm gonna go away and run with it, you start to see evidence of it in like some aspects of your life. And then you get to a point where things are taking a little bit longer and you think you're doing something wrong. versus maybe you just need to learn some shit. I don't know, like, this happens all the time. I see in like, separate and example entrepreneurship all the time. Like, people, there are some people who are completely prepped and ready to go. They like know about business, and they're able to create, like, an amazing, like flourishing business. And there are other people who are looking at all these people wondering what's happening, and they're just like, Am I doing something wrong? And frankly, no, you're doing nothing wrong. You just need to keep having the belief in yourself that you're gonna make it because that's what's going to fuel you and keep you going. It's hard. It's not fucking easy. That's because it's not an input out much put machine. So with that, how should you use thought work in your world, you should be using bought work a model, all of that you understand? What extra shit are you piling on top of to the circumstance. Because I say this all the time, there are some circumstances that are just really, really shitty. And you can make a choice, you can either do the thought work on it, or you can set a boundary and our boundary might be to like, leave your job or something like that. Of course, you're gonna get cranky, when like a colleague is acting up or something like that, or stakeholder or something like that, that is completely normal. Again, you don't want to get rid of the feeling. You want to be able to manage your emotions in the moment, and you want to be able to calm yourself down and show up how you want to. You want to use this model to like navigate life better, easier, with less stress, with less chaos without you making it worse, without you bringing on all the traumatic baggage that you have from back in the day, from the shitty things that you learned from society. And like your family and school, whatever it is added on top of it. You want to recognize when you're sitting there thinking, why the fuck do I keep like overworking or why the fact that I keep getting really upset on these projects. You want to know why that is happening. Want to know where that came from? You want to understand that shitty unlearn pattern. You want to understand that root thought that sits underneath it, which could be like I'm not good enough that it had how it is playing out in your life at such a deep subconscious level. That you just sit there thinking oh my god, no, it's just it's work. Work is busy like I have to do this. You want to learn how to create new patterns that are better for you. Like don't you just wish that you could just click off and for genuinely forget about work yet that takes fucking practice that takes safety that takes practicing thoughts that takes unpacking a whole heap of other stuff underneath all of that learning how to do it knowing how to do it is going to create such a better existence for you. It's going to be much more peaceful. It's going to be more aligned with you. Does it take work on learning this shit have fun yet does. But is it fucking worth it on the other end? Hell yes, I would not have kept my corporate job if it wasn't for this work that I learned and that I should also like like to share with you, which is why I do this. Because I honestly was about to quit, because I realized I needed something to challenge the reality that I was creating for myself from really shitty patterns that I had learned and needed to create safety with that so I can have a much better and more balanced existence. So this is something that this is available for you. And it's available in my worry free weekends program. It's actually four weeks one on one with me for the five minute sessions, where we go through anything that is keeping you up on the weekends, and it can really be anything but what are those things that are stopping you from really enjoying your weekends? Are you like freaking the fuck out? Are you like so close to absolutely like quitting? Are you just hoping and wishing that it's gonna get better? You keep trying all these things and it's like it's you know, like self care meditation out with friends, but then it's back to the same drama and then you're overworking again, you can ditch that and create such a better existence for yourself. I love doing it like hell teaching other people to do it. That's why this program it's four weeks, it's free with me so you can get a taste of this. You can learn some of this stuff and you can just see the impact that is gonna have in your life she is going to be more balanced at work because we able to like come home and let the whole fucking day don't go in actually be present enjoy time with your family friends, whatever. And then you can just show up but you know you can handle the next day but you won't make it mean anything about yourself. Anyway, that is all for today. I will see you next week.