Unlocking Emotional Freedom: Redefining the Relationship between Circumstances and Emotions

In today's episode I am going to talk about how your circumstances can cause your thoughts/feelings and why that's OK!

 In this episode we discuss:

• How to not use the model against yourself
• How to find a middle ground when using coaching tools
• How to use this tool for self empowerment and emotional growth

Show notes and the transcript can be found here: https://michellekevill.com/podcast

Follow me on:
Instagram
TikTok
Facebook

Check out my free workbook Here

Get on the Worry Free Weekends mini-program here. 
A FREE 4 week mini-program with me where I help you master the basics to stop worrying about work and enjoy your weekends again!

🛠️ Download the free Spot Workplace Grooming (Free Guide + Checklist) here.

 👀 Want the manual for figuring out WTF people actually mean at work? Get How to Read the Room – Your ND Corporate Playbook here. 

💻 Want more support? Here’s how to work with me 1:1: here

Follow me: Instagram | TikTok | Facebook

⚠️ Disclaimer:   This podcast is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or psychological advice. Any stories, examples, or scenarios discussed are illustrative and may be composites or anonymised accounts. They do not refer to any specific individual, client, workplace, or organisation. 

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_00 0:37

Hello everyone, I hope you're well. And if not, I got you at least you are here. My name is Michelle Kevill and I help high achieving corporate women feel passionate about their job again. Oh my god, I'm coming at you, just having like the biggest crying sesh. If you follow my Instagram, I just did some posts and I was not some posts, some stories, and I was just kind of like explaining what's been happening. There's some health stuff, there's a lot of change happening in my personal life as well, and it's a little bit like eh. I have been on a bit of a roller coaster with my feelings at the moment, and I have been like I tell all my clients, I'm riding the wave. Do I like the fucking wave? No, I don't, but I am riding it. And I've had a bit of a change of pace for this um episode. I was gonna speak about something more like something completely different, more related to like some corporate stuff. This, however, I do think is important to speak about. It still relates to corporate, but it is something again that I see with my seasoned clients, and it's just it's I it's really reframing the model. It is putting what I teach into context with the real world. And I'll be dropping some fucking truth bombs, especially if you're seasoned and you're all into the coaching stuff, that's gonna blow your mind a little bit, like I did with the whole like thoughts don't always create results, it's a similar one to that. So buckle up! So, really the topic today is to let you know that yeah, your circumstance does cause your feelings. Mic drop. Some people are just seasoned are like, what the fuck are you talking about? Now, if you listen to really early, like two years ago, Michelle did a whole episode on this where I'll tell you why that isn't the case. And that still is true, but I think what has happened is I have evolved and I have evolved with the model and coaching, and I really want to explain to you where I've come to when it comes to this and where where I see people take the model so literally like a religion. Here is what I see in the coaching world. Coaching is so beneficial for like what happens is like look, coaching, you know, everyone's different, right? But what I see is people are desperate for something to work, they find coaching, it works so fucking well for them, and they like it's a religion. It's almost like a religion. Not like like it's like a well, yeah, actually no, coaching has been kind of said to be like a cult because it's completely changed their life. I went from about to quit my whole corporate career to then getting promoted two times in under a year in a role that I like originally absolutely hated. Like I did a complete 360. I see this so many times with people because it has had such a life-changing effect on every aspect of their life. People just they just get into it, like really into it. And I'm not judging people by the way. I am still like this, I'm still into coaching. I've just reframed it a little bit differently now, and I'm gonna explain it to you. The best way to explain it is that people then take it like a religion, like it's very literal. Like the model says your thoughts create your results, it also says that your circumstance doesn't cause your feelings, and you can get really super what's it like meta on it and super, super like like really philosophical at this one. Again, the model is here. I literally just did a story about it, which inspired me to do this episode. This is what I see happen. You take all this stuff that I teach, you love it, you eat it, it's amazing. And then I said before in the other episode, you start off like thinking these amazing things and you're not getting the results, and it's like, oh my god. But actually, what you want is this really grounded energy, and it's the same with circumstances causing your fucking feelings. Now, what we teach is that it doesn't happen, and technically, it's true, it depends on how you look at it, right? It's true in a way because not everyone has the same reaction to a same circumstance. This is my one of my very first episodes. I talk about and I use like a spider metaphor. Like some people will see a spider and they will think, oh my god, I'm freaking out. And some people won't, and they won't care about it. And that's because they've had different life experiences, etc. And we just apply thoughts to circumstances. Now, I still agree with that, but what happens is you then take that to the extreme and you fucking gaslight yourself using the model, using that statement. I've had people come to me being like, hang on a minute, but if that's the case, like does that mean I can like be addict to people? Like they're freaking out thinking that they're gonna be an asshole now with a model, and I'm like, what? No, what do you mean? You're gonna go around and be addicted people because of that? Like, god no, that's it's it's a tool to empower you. And and the other example, which is what I used to do all the time, and I see this in my clients as well, is you just then assume that in any situation you should be able to change your thoughts. Because circumstances don't cause your feelings, like you shouldn't feel that way. So something shitty might be happening at work. There might be a deadline, there might be a stakeholder that's like really, really annoying, and then you go, Well, I shouldn't be feeling this way, it's just my thoughts, I just need to change my thoughts. And it's like, what the fuck? You're allowed to feel shitty about the thing, you know that. Like, there's this real shame to it, and it comes from people who like love to conceptualize things, which is me, um, and overthink things. So if you love this type of stuff, if you're all into like the psychology, the self-help, but also just like how thoughts work, etc., you will like eat this stuff up because it's a great way to guess what? Bypass your emotions when you just have to like switch out the thought, and then I just get to feel better about everything. Because wouldn't that just be great if we just felt happy all the time and just accepting of bullshit? Do you really want to feel that way though? Like, do you want to feel happy? And I'm gonna use an extreme example here. Do you want to feel happy if like your dog got purposefully run over? No, you would want to feel fucking mad about that, and that anger would likely cause you to like, you know, do something, sue the person or something like that. Extreme example. I say extreme because I have a dog, and I would be very upset about that. You don't actually want to feel happy all the time. Because then you could use it in situations of abuse, if I'm honest. Like I talk about this all the time. Like, it's like if someone hits you in the face, you know, oh, I didn't cause your your feelings, it's just your thoughts about the situation. I say this to everyone don't be a dick with the model, which you won't. Like the listeners here, you you'll be fine. But uh to other people, especially outside the coaching world, they're like, use that to me. And I'm like, hey, it's a tool for empowerment, not to be a douchebag. Come on, people, let's all be adults here. So, why why have I all come to this? Why have I all come to the fact that circumstances like they do cause your feelings, and that's okay. That's okay, guys. I know that might be a little shocking for some people, and I know for some of you a little bit earlier, it's like, yeah, I already fucking know that. Like, what the hell? Some people are like, oh my god, this is mind blowing right now. Because I went through this with my coach and my mind was dying as well. I was like, no, it doesn't, it's like your thoughts, and it's like, yeah, those circumstances can trigger those thoughts, and those thoughts can cause those feelings. Yeah, it can come from a circumstance. That's fine. Here's the T. The reason we tell you this, the reason we say it's your thoughts, etc. And this isn't like I'm not trying to like red pill, blue pill you here in like the matrix. I'm not trying to be like saying that everything I teach is a lie. I'm trying to contextualize the model in real life because it is honestly at times really treated, and I see this other coaches as well, like like like a religion. And sometimes it's like aspects of it, it's a tool for fucking empowerment. That's what it is. And you need to apply real life to it as well. And to me, that is evolution, and that is the evolution that I'm going through, and I'm going to share that with you as well. The model is here. I'm sorry, I've said that before. The model is here for empowerment. You don't want to use the model to gaslight yourself. That's that's one thing. You don't want to go on either extreme's extreme ends when it comes to this, but you also don't want to be in a state of victim mode. That is why you're always taught that, you know, thoughts create your feelings, etc. Because I and honestly, I like being the other way is sometimes as in on the other end where you're gas uh that is a good thing, that you're gaslighting yourself. I just looking back, realize how much I used to blame most of my life and life's problems as being like completely outside my control. And when I had this model and ability to kind of see how I was thinking, how much control it gave me. Hence why I do feel like maybe some coaches or whoever maybe aren't talking about this the way that I am right now. Because then we don't want to pull you back into like, well, it is so it is my circumstances. Ha ha! I can just go back to like hating the world and stuff like that. No, you don't want to be on that extreme end either. You don't want to be in a complete state of, well, it's just life and it's terrible and it doesn't work, yada yada yada. That's victim mode. That is it's too hard. And I'm not saying, by the way, that it's not okay to be in that state. I was in that state a few hours ago. But what you want to do is you want to be able to move through that and empower yourself again. And you don't want to go throughout your whole life thinking that everything is outside your control because it's not. Because I thought it was so many years ago. I thought I had no ability to just say no at work and like push back on like crazy deadlines or anything like that. And once I started developing, like I used thought work to see how I was creating this for myself and not taking up the help available, my whole life changed. And that's because of the experience that I had. And yes, the thoughts that I'd also had. And yes, I wouldn't have had those thoughts if I wasn't in that circumstance. Like it's all related, it's all interconnected. And I want to elaborate a little bit more because I don't think I clarified this at the start when I said circumstances causing your feelings. You're still having thoughts, right? You're still having those thoughts. But I think what happens is people think I could just automatically change them, and then those thoughts will lead to new feelings. With everything that happens in life, you are having a thought about it, 100%. You're having a thought in reaction to a circumstance, and that it is causing a reaction in your body. But there are common circumstances that happen with common thoughts and feelings that happen as well. Like when we hear of a national tragedy and like you feel sad, you're having a subconscious thought potentially, or or even a conscious one, but that's a common thing. What happens though, in like the model or whatever, is sometimes on the extreme end, you'll take that and go, right, because it's my thoughts, I should just then be able to change it. Like, it's almost like I just shouldn't feel shitty in certain scenarios. Like, that probably isn't a good example. Like, maybe this is just an acceptance that, yeah, national tragedy, it's fine. But let's say it's that shitty colleague at work that you keep getting frustrated about. Are you getting angry at yourself for always getting angry about it, even though you've done the thought work on it and you're like, oh my god? Is it is it just okay that the person is just annoying? Does that make sense? Like, can you just accept the unintentional model and where you're at right now still and all the feelings with that? You cannot use this model to just buffer out of the human experience. You cannot use this thought work to do that. You also cannot then use aspects of it, treat it like a religion, and then gaslight yourself into believing that, yeah, with every circumstance, like I should, I should. This is what I hear all the time, I should, I should know, because I know the model, I should know how to just change my thoughts on it. What if it's okay that like at this point in time you you can't? What if it's okay that every time, I don't know, this stakeholder, colleague, whatever it is, it's just gonna feel annoying? What if it's okay to still do the intentional model, still look at like positive reframing and stuff like that, but still have those negative emotions come out? Stop using it to stifle the negative emotions. That's your problem. You're using it to be like, I just should just bypass all of it. Do you know how much shit happens that's still do you think every time my autoimmune condition flares up, I'm just like, well, I should just be okay with this because I've done this before and I'm a coach and yada yada yada. No, I'm very mad about it, and I get really upset. I really got upset just like just this morning about it. And every time, and yes, I have thoughts, I reframe it, etc. And I accept that I am just upset about it, and that sucks, and it's hard sometimes. And some days I'm just like, I'm fucking over this. That's okay too. Though I'm letting those negative thoughts that I have, I'm letting them be there, I'm allowing them to be there in reaction to that circumstance. And I'm saying to myself, yeah, this is a shitty circumstance. I'm having it's causing it's causing it is though, it is causing those thoughts to happen. I wouldn't be thinking these thoughts. Now, are they my own thoughts? Sure. I wouldn't be thinking these if I this wasn't happening, and if I hadn't gone through like this certain set of experiences. Because yes, 100%, you give this circumstance to someone else, and I don't know, they've maybe dealt with something way worse. They're like, oh, this autoimmune condition, this is nothing. This is this is fine. So again, then flip side, again, you go, okay, so it's not the circumstance, it's humans applying thoughts. I sound like I'm going forwards and backwards on this one. It's because what I've done is I've hit right in the middle, and it's a really good middle of acceptance. It's knowing when I need to use the model to empower myself and when I actually just need to be let myself go and be like, yeah, this is a shitty situation, and I need to be with the feelings right now. There's circumstance, it's closing my thoughts and feelings, and it sucks. I had to share this with you because I think what I'm hearing with some clients or even just just some so many followers and like reaching out to me and just having little chats, like you can't be using treating this model as a religion or just a mantra or an input-output machine, which is what I said in my earlier episode. You gotta find your sweet spot with this. And I actually think this is the next kind of evolution for me, probably next evolution for you when it comes to the model. The model is a self-empowerment tool, you cannot bypass feeling shitty, and you'll know when you need to use it, you'll know what's right and what's wrong. Now, for some of you, I know this also might stress you out because I've done that too. Because then I'm like, hang on a minute. See, a few years ago, I had this like sense of like, oh my god, I just need to change my thoughts, and my whole life is amazing and changed forever. And what I actually realized I was saying is, oh my god, all I need to do is change my thoughts, and I'll never feel bad shit again. Just be careful if you're freaking out about what I'm telling you about. Are you freaking out because you heard, you know, thought work is amazing, whatever, and now I'm kind of breaking down your walls and you're kind of like, oh my god, I can't just always like potentially like just feel better in a situation. There are just some circumstances where it would just take a genuinely a lot of thought work to change. That's why I always say to people, you can do thought work on it, or you can set a boundary or change a circumstance. That's fucking allowed. But you just need to know when to use the tool. You need to do that exploration. I know in my life, especially in the corporate world, what areas I'm like, right, this is just thought work and right, this is a change of circumstance thing. And my health, I can't change a circumstance. I can't just lie to myself and pretend that deep down I am happy about this because I'm not. That's the difference. And then to gaslight myself and be like, I should just change my thoughts because you know I can do that. It's not where I am right now. I need to let those emotions out. I need to be with that, I need to be with that part of myself that's happening, that's feeling all this, that's mourning a loss of my sense of myself. That's okay. It's it's a it's picking and choosing when to use a tool. And I really want to share that with you because I've realized how extreme some people are getting with it, and I was doing it as well, and I've really hit such a good middle ground with it. It's allowed me to really trust my intuition now. I've developed so much more self-trust with me when I can like even with making decisions, and it's because I've just I've just consult- I don't know how to explain it, but it's like I've solidified everything. It's almost like I've just taken this and just applied it to the real world. It's the best way to describe it. I'm like, yeah, this makes a whole heap more sense now. Like, I'm right in the middle, I'm not on either extreme end, I'm not gaslighting myself with thought work, but I'm not in like victim mode either, blaming everything on every single circumstance, and nothing is my fault, and it's always everyone else's fault. Like, I'm right in the middle, and it's a good middle, and I wanted to share it with you all. And I don't really have any tips other than like think about it for yourself if this is where you are at, like right now. Think about how are you, for a lot of you, you're gaslighting yourself with the model. How are you using the model to beat yourself up instead of empower you? How are you using it to bypass feelings and to to not listen or trust yourself as well? That doesn't mean we don't lean into fear when we want to go do something and it feels a little bit scary, but you'll be over time you get to discern what is kind of fear from expanding your capacity and something you like genuinely deep down do not want to do. And it'll and it, you know, you just develop it, you learn it, you grow it. Anyway, that's my spiel for today, my little philosophical ramble there that I wanted to share with you. I will have more kind of you know, my usual coaching corporate stuff um in next episode, but this is something that I've been going through and I wanted to share, and I hope it helps you. So I'll see you next week.