#129 How to hit your career goals faster (minus the struggle)

In today's episode I am going to share with you how to stop make hitting those career goals much faster and make it much less of a struggle.

Get on the waitlist here for my Epic Work & Life Program.
A 6 month transformational program for high achieving corporate women like YOU that wants to ENJOY going after their big career goals AND have an even more fantastic life.

Sign up to my mailing list for free workbooks to help you love your job again!

Follow me on:
Instagram
TikTok
Facebook

Show notes and the transcript can be found here: https://michellekevill.com/podcast 

Transcript

00:00

Hello, everyone, I hope you are well. And if not, I got you at least you are here. My name is Michelle Kevill. And I help high achieving couple women feel passionate about their job again. And guess what guys, I'm getting married in one week cannot believe this. I feel like I've been just giving you tidbits about my wedding for the past two years on this podcast. And it is happening. And I will be preparing over the next few weeks. Couple more episodes. As I'll be getting like preparing for the wedding, I have taken some time off my corporate job, I am so excited guys. And I can't believe that a tip. And today's episode one I want to chat to you about and again, I'm still figuring out the table title. It's really to do with when you are struggling in your job. And when I say specifically struggling so this is what I was having a chat to a client about because she kind of wanted this targeted episode really to kind of talk specifically to her thing because she is struggling with some of the kind of growth or development areas that she is working on. And she's struggling, what she feels a little bit more than usual. And it was good because we like Coach chatted through it, she was like you should put some of this in like an episode because I think it would be helpful for other people with thoughts and stuff. And it was so funny, because I am going through the exact same thing at the moment. And I was like, Well isn't this perfect timing. And that's what I really want to talk to you about. And I also want to talk a little bit around how to frame it in your mind. Because let me take this client, when she came to me with what was happening in her role like she is, you know, driven focused has some goals is working on in her development area taking on like specific projects to work towards that next promotion. And what she felt was that she was failing, and failing more than usual, there was a lot of stuff that we had to kind of go through which I'll talk about in more detail where it almost felt like it was supposed to feel more natural and like more easy to do these things. But like this is it's you know, it's a development area, right? It's development area isn't a kind of what I would say a corporate nice area for like an area of weakness, like an area that you need to get stronger at before you can take on this like, you know, specific role where you're doing these types of things. And what's interesting, and what I do see a lot of high achievers, and I will say I do this myself, and I still need to remind myself today is that when it's struggling, right, like we are finding it hard to do the thing where you're finding it hard to take on that new project, that's a bad thing. It means that you're not doing a good job, it's not right. And really, it's like hang on a minute, I'm gonna give you a great metaphor for this that I was chatting to my client about. That's supposed to happen. So why it's an area of development. And it's like you're training in it, like you're doing the work to get better at it. And a lot of this comes down to thoughts that we have about, especially if you're high achiever, how we you know, should just like end perfectionism, like, take things on be really perfect at it. And I would say for a lot of my clients, including myself, this is a very, like, you're very fucking smart, okay, you naturally can even if you don't think it right now, you can take on things and do a really good job. And what I can see happen is when you're used to doing things and getting really good outcomes, basically, you're not used to failure. When you do have failure, it can be really jarring. It's like, oh my god, this is too much. And I should therefore not do this, because failure is bad. And that's really what I want to talk about today. How do you kind of embrace failure, especially when it comes to your development goals, and you feel like you're really struggling. So if I give you an example, like with this client, and I have her permission, as well to talk about this, because I wanted to talk about, you know, what she's going through what I'm going through, she had been given a project, and she's struggling with it, she, like was really excited to take it on. And with this project, it was going to test you know, things that she was going to need for this more senior position which is working towards which is things like stakeholder management, like managing like people within the team, like progressing a project and expectations like, like, just like a new kind of world and you get what I'm saying we're gonna get to the metaphor. And she was excited. She's like, Great, I'm gonna take this on, this is going to be fantastic. And she started to struggle she started to struggle with the project as in the project wasn't going to plan as she expected. She then started to judge yourself and then think oh my god, this is Something wrong with me. She then felt like she wasn't like managing people correctly, or was maybe letting out too much of her emotion onto other people, she felt like her boss was judging her. And what was happening was she was making it worse for herself because she's already in this judgmental mindset. And then you kind of end up acting out from a place that makes it worse. And I don't say that to scare you. But this is when you work with me one on one in my coaching program, epic working life program, I actually teach you a tool. So you can notice, when you're kind of fucking it up for yourself, it's actually one of the eight steps of my program. So you can get yourself out of that, and then go more in towards being pragmatic, because really, when it comes to this type of shit, that happens at work, you actually kind of gotta like, let your ego go, which I still gotta tell myself to do that too, right? And be like, what is the problem at hand? What do I need to do 99% of the time, I swear to God, like, we just get in our own way of ourself, right, we get in our own way. And we get in our heads, we have all these thoughts. Were sitting there, like she was sitting there judging herself. And I was like, okay, when you're judging yourself, this is making you feel a certain way. And these are the things that you're doing. And I was like, This is good that this is happening, because you're gonna see it, and then you will 100% And she's totally ready for this, like, she's gonna get that promotion. You have this now, you're developing all this now, so that you will be ready for that role, which is something that I was like, You need to be reminding yourself to, like, this is good. These are the training grounds, you're supposed to be failing hit. But like a lot of people who have grown up with high expectations for themselves, really high achieving, failing and not doing good at these types of things, feels like shit. And usually have a think have a thing for yourself. If you are a high achiever, and you don't like do it, you know, you did things maybe when you were growing up that weren't challenging. Or maybe you got like a report and you've got like, 90, and then your parents are like, What the hell? Why didn't you get 100 Like, it can feel really scary in our bodies to go out and like try something new. If we don't know, we're going to be good at it. And I do think that everyone has a certain tolerance of, I'm okay to fail like this much. But anything beyond that, like this is too much. And this is where I see so many women, when I'm on Discovery calls with them, getting in the way of themselves. And by the way, that's not to call you out or be like this is your fault. You do not know that it's very normal. Again, no one is like teaching this shit at schools. And we're not really taught to be reflective. The advice half the time given I see everywhere, and I'm so sick of saying it is like, like dump that toxic workplace leave that job, blah, blah, blah, I'm just like, stop. Like, there's a time and place. And I think I'll do an episode on actually around when you should leave a job. And it is not the answer every time. She is feeling really hard at your job, which might be attacking some people right now and a lot liking it. And actually, you know, I'm going to make an episode on that I've decided to explain the difference. Because here's the thing, if you keep this is another thing, as long as a separate client, if you just keep leaving a job every time things get challenging, like this example, right? You will stay stuck in the same place, you'll never grow emotionally. And you'll never know any better your brain or body will be like this is my tolerance level. And you'll never move past that. And for some people might be like, maybe it's something else. Maybe it's not to do with development. It's like how people are acting and stuff like that. You cannot accurately determine the right step for yourself when you're applying all these thoughts. So she my client was applying in her head. She's like, my boss is so mad at me like I know that blah, blah. And like have they said anything? I like given some feedback and like we go through it. The feedback is constructive, it's valid, and it's fine, but she was applying her own thoughts and judgment and making herself really anxious. Is that anxiousness going to help when she's continuing on like this, you know, challenge here? No, it's not. And it's like, how do you get yourself out of that? How do you take your ego out of it? How do you sit there and you go, Okay, this is what I need to focus on. Okay, what am I struggling with? Should I be speaking to my I don't know my boss more? Should I be speaking to a colleague or should I try this tactic etc. When you're unattached to the outcome, this is what I'm saying. When you're unattached to the outcome when you're unattached to the promotion I'm like it'll just naturally happen when you're attaching your value yourself like I have to get this is something else we've been exploring as well. It's going to naturally happen because you're not placing pressure on yourself. That's like saying you need to make this absolutely perfect cake. And if you get it wrong, let's actually just go extreme example if you got this cake wrong, like your family would die.

09:56

Guess how much would you fuck up that cake? I'd be I'd be stressing I'd be stressing the eff out if I was the only one who could make that cake. If it wasn't a good cake, according to like, I don't know, this people from the universe, then, like, my family dies, that's very, very stressful. And I'm not going to be thinking straight, I'm not gonna be putting in the right measurements for flour and stuff like that, versus if it's like, we're gonna make a cake for casual family birthday kind of thing, that cake is going to be much better, because I'm able to think, when you're stressed, when you're feeling in a state, you are not going to be acting from the right place, you're gonna be acting from a place of fear. And what I see a lot of people do is they spiral, and hey, nothing wrong with that, because I still do this. The difference is, I am able to catch myself and then redirect myself, which is why it's funny, I'm not the type of person that at work, I can in the moment coach myself, but I can take a step out be like, up, I'm seeing some thoughts, feelings and patterns here, do what I need to do, whether it's like regulate journal, etc, and then be like crap, this is how I will now show up, do dah, dah, dah do because then I also know what is like triggering for me what's coming up for me and how I really should be approaching this. I don't think you realize how important this skill is. What it does mean is you get to these promotions much quicker, what I was showing my client is, this is how you are like punching yourself in the face and going to delay you getting a promotion, this is not what they're looking for. This is not the like how you're acting right now is not the right way to approach us. And then instead of me telling her, this is how you should do it, she is coming up with the ideas of how she should do it. Right, from a more calmer, intentional state. And then she is learning for herself how to enact that, use that tact and do that. And that is a skill that I really reinforce in all my clients because I want them to leave my program, knowing how to like it's not I'm giving you fish, I'm teaching you how to fish, because there'll be more moments where it throughout your career, when you're going through a promote, you know, getting promotions, and also creating a team and a job and a career that you absolutely love. You need to know how to do that for yourself, which is so important. And afterwards, she remember she was like, Michelle, like you've just literally probably saved me, like a promotion that I really want. Like, it's going to come so much quicker because of this. And I'm like, Yeah, because these are important skills that you need to know. And I'm like, again, fell on my program here. Because it's like I myself am the biggest spokesperson for this because I've been promoted two times in under a year. Because my whole like, all the skills were there, I just needed to change and shift some of my mindset, okay, so maybe you are in the exact same position. Because you have these goals that you're working towards, and you are struggling with them. They are your developmental goals, they are things that you need to work on. And here's a metaphor that I give absolutely like all my clients, but I'm sharing it with you. I remember she was like, This is great, you should just share it. I've talked about it a little bit before, but I'm gonna go into more detail. Here's the problem. It's, again, it all comes down to ego. Because we all love getting positive feedback and stuff like that we absolutely like Errol, up. And then for high achievers or people who are very driven, who get praise. And I've likely learned from a young age that you get love and affection by doing like lots of good things like achieving things. When we get criticism, it can be such a blow and I would honestly say it is bringing if you get can they call it constructive feedback. But really, let's be honest, for some people, it feels like complete critical negative feedback. It just brings you back that just have a think about this for yourself and try put words in your mouth. But this is a consistent theme I'm seeing through all my clients is it bringing you back to a time when you got like a 90 on a test. And your parents were looking at it and I'm like, you could have gotten like 100 You know, maybe you did really close and suddenly such a even I've seen this with my clients. I had another client that said this was exact exact my example. She like 96 and her mom was saying to her Hey, the reason like I know you're smarter than this, that is why I'm pushing you here. That is why I'm always telling you like you should be doing more, etc. Which of course she's doing that from a place of love. And as children we are then internalizing that, it's never going to be enough and it doesn't matter how much good has been said if at the end of the day you do not get that 100% You have fucking failed and it can feel like such a blow emotionally. Hence by learning how to take your ego and I know ego can sometimes be such a mean word. But ego is just the little you it's the it's the part of you that wants things and like wants attention. It's your sense of self worth your or your confidence. Like people will say ego is like a bad thing. But I would just say it's like the you that it's all of those things, confidence in you. Belief in you. So For steam, just all of that into one. And the problem is, if you've had what I would say is a bruised ego over time, then what happens is it brings you back, all these emotions start flooding back, you know, logistically that, like, this isn't an actual attack on you, but it can feel that way. And this, I'll be honest, this happened to me very recently. And I was sitting there, just so interested about the whole experience. I was like, I'm feeling so internally like upset right now, from hearing this constructive feedback, this really small amount of constructive feedback. It was like given an in a, like, standard way. And I remember sitting there being like, like, really curious. And I would say in those moments, just get curious and get comfortable. When I say get comfortable, I mean, get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Because I was very uncomfortable with these emotions, my brain and body just kind of wanted to go with stuff. I remember looking back at how I took the feedback and responding and it was like, hey, there are areas here, I could have seen or maybe I could have taken a step back, or I should have said this, etc. And I just thought the whole thing was interesting. I was just like, Huh, look at that look at like my brain and body almost being brought back to when I was a kid being told this and all these emotions flooding up. That is so interesting. But also so human of me. Please do not judge yourself if this happens to you. It's so common, okay, we are all goddamn humans, we are trying our best. And in corporate world, they're going to like they're gonna tell you it's a difference between like a growth mindset and a fixed mindset. And a fixed mindset is like the ego that I'm talking about. And I'll be honest, I don't like the way it's talked about in corporate, because I think it's very black and white and redundant. And I think a fixed mindset, it kind of makes it out. It's like, oh, like, you're focusing all about you. And I'm like, yeah, there's a reason for that. Because this person has had emotional experiences in the past, that they need to work through themselves. It's just the way it's kind of said, sometimes it's like, yeah, you can just switch into this growth mindset. I think, no, I would say that's not the case, I think you need you can be aware of when you're in a fixed versus growth mindset, when your ego is getting in the way. But then you need to do the mindset work, you also need to do the inner work to kind of heal that part of you, and create safety. And the biggest thing for me is I thought, why is this popping up, given all the work that I'm doing? I'm up, it's popping up because it's new. I have expanded my capacity, I'm doing more, I'm doing more challenging things in my corporate job. This is supposed to happen, because my brain and body is just going to what's normal again. It's like, you know, we're going to freak out like we usually do, because this is a new type of feedback that we'd like never heard before on this specific thing. I was like, Oh, I know what we're doing here. And it's okay I can we can, we can handle this brain and body, right, you've got to work with that part of you. I've always kind of, I hear the Bose buzzwords sometimes when you go to like, have like corporate trainings and cinemas and stuff like that. And I literally sit there and I'm like, I get it. And it's you're missing out on so much like depth the person has, like, it's like, there's so many things like it's such a unique experience for people like I'm sharing with you my unique experience like like the testing, for example. There are so many differences, like little nuances I've seen with clients where they've had something and then not even realizing that this thing here is kind of still affecting them now. And it's not to say that like you are holding necessarily on to it. But like you're acting out from that place still. Because whether it was forming, whether it was overworking whether it was getting really upset about it learning and like making it out that you really, really care like those things worked for you. And then your brain is like, right, I'm feel like I'm being put into the same experience, I'm just going to redo some of those patterns there. Because they have worked for me so far. And I just say in the corporate world, that doesn't work. Because in the corporate world, you really just going to be turning on your thinking brain, you're going to be kind of shutting, not shutting off, but like really lowering down that stress response, those kind of unintentional patterns and be just more thinking, Okay, this is this, you know, kind of more, or you could say black and white to an extent, but it's not that easy to do. It's easier said than done. And if this is something that you struggle with, then what this is what I would say to you, I have an episode on feedback, right under receiving feedback and stuff like that. So go check that out. Literally just type in like feedback in the search bar, you'll find it. But specifically when it comes to therefore, okay, you received the feedback like what now what do I do? I'm struggling in these goals, like, what am I going to do about this? Instead of looking at it like I'm failing, I'm sucking yada, yada, yada, this

19:43

is not working. Just recognize that when you're in that state, again, not judging you. Just look at some of the things that you're thinking and doing from that place. Like are they pragmatic, when I say pragmatic, people get a little confused with that? I mean, are they actions you should be taking that take you a step further towards your goal, right? Is you ruminating on this feedback? Is you judging yourself after you send an email or speak to this person, etc? Helping you? Like or how's it making you feel? Or making you feel anxious? Like, is that going out anxiety gonna help? Likely not because what I see is a little spiraling, like, Oh my God, and then everyone's judging me, this isn't I'm like, Okay, no, you're not, you're not able to think clearly you're able to think of little steps. Okay? So that's one. The second thing is you got to really view this as a video game. Okay, I play video games. For fun, this is the metaphor I'm giving with you, I don't care if you don't like it. This is where we're going with video games have levels depending on the type of game you're playing. And, you know, there's different areas and different levels, right. And obviously, to get to some of those levels, you got to get like certain type of gear, you've got to go through like training grounds, you could say, to do those levels a lot easier. It's why you fucking have development goals, right? Because we do not want to put you as a level one character in a level 50 zone, when you don't have enough equipment with you. And literally, someone is going to like shoot an arrow at you and you're just gonna die. Like that is not That's not fun, is because it's really not fun the game, you take that in a corporate world, it's not going to be you don't have the skills to adapt to that situation. So you've got your development gods, you've got all the levels in between, right? You're supposed to suck each time. Okay, I have played really hard games, you might know this or not. Dark Souls is notoriously known for like being really, you know, they're just kind of, like, it's a struggle, right. And for me, the reason it was a struggle, is because it relies a lot on skill. Right? Specifically, like blood borne, I'm wondering if some of you are game gamers here, but like blood borne was my really, really hard game. And for me a lot of skill, a lot of timed responses, like I need to roll in this specific direction, otherwise, I'm gonna get hit really badly by this thing. And then I lose like half my health. And then I really got like one hit left before I die. It was a real struggle, I got to the point where I actually did not enjoy the game. But I kept going back to it, I probably spent out like hundreds of hours, practicing refining, etc, it got to the point where then I'm able to overseas really difficult bosses. And of course, I'm like getting more gear as well to help me a little bit. And I'm excelling at it. And I'm doing much better at it. And that's the same with this right now. Am I putting all this external pressure and telling myself that I'm a loser if I don't, like defeat this boss, or that I suck, or that like everyone hates me? No, because I have not attaching myself worth who I am as a human being to this video game. It's just something that I like to do. With my free time. I enjoy it. And I really actually funny enough, my coach picked up on this actually, she was using a similar with me with all my like goals and like, you know, my coaching and corporate as well. And she said to me, like, why don't you just want to like skip to the end like you could like, she doesn't really know games like me, but it's for this specific game. You can't like pay a certain amount and be leveled up some games you can't. And like, well, that would take all the fun out of it. She was like explain it to me. I'm like, Well, you get to like level 100 You have all this stuff. And then the games like Super easy. Like, that's really boring. She looked at me like Hmm, interesting. Like you want the game to last longer. You want it to be hard. I was like, yeah. And then she's looking at me like how have you not made the connection. And then I was like, oh, because that is how I needed to treat my my coaching staff like they're my business and frankly, like corporate as well. And that's how you need to treat it as well. If you're tying yourself worth everything onto this promotion on to how you're acting if you're not allowing yourself to fail if you're not seeing this as levels in a video game, and you're supposed to fail, so you can get better then it's not going to be fun like you I know a lot of you were like yeah, let me just pay the money to I'm just using the same metaphor here. Let me pay you the money so I can get to the low 100 where everything's really easy. That's fucking boring. Okay for a video game that is boring. And I know you think for yourself, Oh, this is life and I don't want it to be that way. No you don't know you don't you won't learn anything. You will not expect paying to get to level 100 versus going through the grind as they call it and working your way up getting all the gear that you need defeating certain bosses certain storyline. It builds a sense of like character you could say, versus going up there to the top and I would still say that doesn't replace skill. The person that paid to get 200 does not replace the skill that the person was grinding through that video game to make sure like me certain time drill except like rolls, etc. To Do you know, so I don't get hit or whatever. It's crazy now because then I play Dark Souls games. And I people and I, I'm playing them and I'm Yes, it's a bit of a struggle, but I look at my like, I'm such a different gamer to what I was when I played my very first one, because I have all these skills. And I'm like, just, you know, deploying them. And I'm like changing them a little bit. And it's the same here. I know, you want it to be, like, feel easier to do good things and just for it to be like, you know, stepping stones like, boom, boom, boom. But if you're not feeling struggle, then you're not learning. I know, some of you might be like, No, that's not the case. Like I can struggle, like I don't have to struggle and learn stuff. It's not, I would say that it's not true, I would say that there are sure there are times where you can learn some things like this, like, you have a level of tolerance, I should say, when it comes to struggling, that you that is acceptable and feel safe. And anything beyond that is like, oh my god, this is like too much. And it doesn't feel safe or familiar. But really big. The bigger the failure, the more you learn, and you learn so quickly, when the pandemic hit. And I just started my new role. And it was very, very, like, we were all new in the team, we were all kind of struggling, what I remember my boss saying at the time to me, because I was just like so drained by the end of it. And by the way, there's just before I found like coaching, right? A person said to me, you've learnt in like three months, what people learn in a year, like you have, like so much skill under your belt from all this, like, you know, being just literally kind of thrown in the deep end and kind of like drowning, like coming up to swim. And at the time, I was like, Yes, but I would rather take the year than the three months from what I went through. But a lot of that was just me judging myself in my head for like my performance the whole time. And that's where like, if I just let that go, it would have like, I would have made it a much easier thing for myself. It's like I was kind of swimming and holding a really heavy weight. And I could have just let the weight go. And it would have Yeah, it would have sucked being in the deep end, but it would have made an easier experience.

27:31

And that's what I that's why I'm trying to reinforce here because I think a lot of you are like, I don't want to do this, this is hard. Here's the things I'm struggling with. I don't you're not comfortable with the failure you're not comfortable with like the judgment, you're not being self compassionate, all of that's gone out the window. Or what I should say is there's a level of tolerance that you're okay with. And now it's too much now it doesn't feel safe feels like you're getting braided, potentially, like when you're a kid by your teacher, whatever it was, that event that happened is like all coming to the surface. And again, there's only a certain amount of failure you can do before it feels dangerous. So I want you to get very used to failure and I want you to treat it as every time you are failing, every time you are struggling towards your development goals. That is a good thing. It means you are learning it really does mean you are learning and you are learning quick and you are able to then implement it faster. They say this all the time in business, right like big ass failures at end up creating big results. Because you You learn so quickly by taking like such a big blunder or risk. Like and I'm talking about like trying something where it's like marketing or stuff like that, that you're able to quickly learn or when you do lots of them, you're able to learn and get better refine, etc. And that's the same here. So the whole thing here really, is you need to be okay with like, first of all, just give us some tips. Tip one, you need to start being more self compassionate. You need to see to where like your ego is coming in and stepping in and kind of be thinking, Alright, where is it that I can like, kind of pivot and change my kind of mindset here. The biggest and most important thing which I say all the time is you need to feel your goddamn fucking feelings. That's what you're not doing. You're kind of acting from them, and you're not processing them. Right? You're not letting them allow a you're reacting to them. You're acting out from it. You're getting anxious, you're trying to you know, if you're like holding the weight, or you're treading water in like a riptide and I might just let the RIP take you out then it's not gonna be fun. But you'll surely you will come back around, like stop fighting it. This is important, because you end up like this client. You're almost going to make it worse for yourself instead of just embracing the failure and that does take a level of self compassion because yeah, you might get more critical feedback you might have put you might even worst case scenario, have a stakeholder say like oh, like this wasn't up to scratch or this project wasn't here. But when you are so self compassionate, regardless of what anyone around you is saying, you know, like I'm doing the best I can with the time that I have. And I'm just going to be able to reflect taking this feedback and pivot each time like you were not attaching your worth to it. It's such an easier ride and you get this so much quicker. If you have any questions on this, feel free like a few of you who've been DMing, me and Instagram to send me a message I can answer there. And I hope that this is going to help and resonate with you here. If you still kind of in it. Again, it proves to me that you need to actually be with your emotions, that's really, really important. And this was a bit of a longer episode, but I wanted to give you my big old metaphor and a few things on that. And I really hope that this helps you. So keep on going in that big old video game that is corporate life, and keep up leveling up leveling and refining your skills. And I will see you I will say See you next week, but I'm actually going to be recording a few of these in succession. So I'm actually gonna probably see you in the next month. But by the time that you listen to this next time, I will be married. I will be recording some of them ahead of time though, so it'd be weird. I'll be like I'm married, but I'm recording this before and I will see you later. Bye