#134 Are you self- sabotaging at work? How to stop with one simple tip

In today's episode I am going to tell you how to see if you're self-sabotaging at work and how to stop with one simple tip

Get on the waitlist here for my Epic Work & Life Program.
A 6 month transformational program for high achieving corporate women like YOU that wants to ENJOY going after their big career goals AND have an even more fantastic life.

Sign up to my mailing list for free workbooks to help you love your job again!

Follow me on:
Instagram
TikTok
Facebook

Show notes and the transcript can be found here: https://michellekevill.com/podcast 

Transcript

00:00

Hello, I hope you're well. And if not, I got you at least you're here. My name is Michelle Kevill. And I help achieving corporate women feel passionate about their job again. Guys so much. I'm so happy right now. Sorry, I've just had some really good client wins. My little puppy layup is growing up. And she's so tiny. When we got her, she was like, just over two kilos. And I love that she's super small. But also, I'm very worried that I'm gonna, like walk into her and hurt her. But she is such a sweetheart. And she's get along really well with a big brother Indy. And, yeah, it's been pretty good. I've been feeling pretty good. And I'm really excited to share today's episode, this actually came off some client wins. That happened recently. And this is why everything I do specifically, the coaching program is so important because you what you learn in it completely saves you from making like super big blunders at work, and also sets you up for a promotion as well. And which is the title of today's topic, which is, I'm still fleshing it out. But basically, how could you right now be self sabotaging yourself at work? And have no idea about it? How do you figure this out? It's actually one of the first steps in my eight step program that I work with my clients in my epic Work and Life program, which if you want to get on the waitlist for that I'll be having some openings in May, you can check out the link in the show notes below. But it is so important to be able to regularly see when you punching yourself in the face. And a lot of you don't realize that you're doing it, which by the way is completely normal. I didn't realize either. And there's a whole heap of reasons for that. A few key reasons I'll go into below just to give you a little bit around, like the science of your brain and how it works. And then I'm going to tell you a CLI winning tip to see and stop you just backing it up at work, right. So I'm gonna go in with a clear client story. I had a client who recently was struggling at getting some of their projects and work priorities done. And they were starting to think that maybe it was the job at hand, that it was them and that they couldn't cope and was really interesting, just seeing like the trickle down effect. What was interesting was, what she was thinking in her mind was the actual problem was far from what it really was, which is what she was doing in real time. And if left uncapped, if left without a coach without the skill that I'm building her to develop and see for herself, she could have potentially lost her job if she kept doing this. And Ultra or she could have ultimately left as well. Because what some of the things that were popping up for was like maybe I'm not just ready for this job. So when we started to deep dive into all of this, where this was coming from, why it was getting to or was feeling like too much and you weren't set out for corporate, it was specifically because there was a project that was quite hard. And previous before that some feedback was given around their performance. And it was like her brain had just used that as validation as to why she was like sucking, which, by the way, make sense, right? If you're already thinking, This is too much, this is too hard. I'm not doing very well, this and you get some feedback, which ultimately was just to check in on, you know how they're going. It's like you're getting all this evidence, like all these messages and signals that yes, oh, my God, there's maybe this isn't for me. Maybe I'm not doing this, right. But I could clearly see what was happening here. So we just started to deep dive into it. So we started to talk about this project and why it was so hard. And again, coming up with all these reasons as to which was superfluous. Really, and again, that isn't a shame you if you were doing this as well, if you were thinking that your project is hard and have a ton of reasons as to why it is. Give me a second, just go with me on this, right. All these reasons were being given as to why it's hard, like the stakeholders are hard to manage. The project is out of my league. I'm not capable of doing this, all this stuff. When we got behind it. There was some aspects of procrastination, but also this belief that there's specific tasks like I cut out, for example, they needed to get sign off for this specific thing. And I was like, Okay, you haven't got the sign off yet. As an is just an example I gave, why not follow it up if you need to get sign off to progress this project. And it was interesting, because he was like, Well, I don't want to push them. Like, well, what do you mean? Maybe you don't wanna push them? Well, I don't want to annoy them. I'll get them upset. And it's like, Ah, interesting. This is and this is like the power in like what I teach. I'm like, Okay, so the project isn't hard. You're not It's not that you're not capable for corporate. You have this fear around pushing them or being like too much. Why is that? Like, well, I don't want to be seen off as like being too pushy or aggressive and stuff like that. I'm okay, but what are you missing from that. And if you were seeing that way as being pushy or aggressive, then what? When we get down to the root of it, ultimately, there was this fear of rejection of like social rejection of people judging her is too much or pushing the project too hard. And, and because there was an underlying fear, it led to all these other reasons that had nothing to do with the actual problem. The problem was, she was not able to push forward with the project, because of fears around what other people were basically thinking. And what her re was giving her was that like, No, it's too hard to do. And here's the thing, she was procrastinating on all these tasks and was coming up to the deadline, right? Because she would have to end up pushing on it, she would have to end up like following up and stuff. Now some of you may be listening, and thinking, well, that's part of her job, blah, blah, blah. And I just want to say to that, like, everyone has their own bucket of things that they're trying to deal with, and work through, okay, for me, back in the day, before I found coaching, I struggled so much at asking for help, that I would sit there hours after work trying to fix the code myself and run code. And I just believed in my mind that like no, like, like, I need to be able to do this when you and I had these blinders on. Right. And it didn't even occur to me that I could ask for help. So that's the people, some people thinking that but also, if you're sitting there and resonating with a story and being oh my god, like, it's so simple, you just need to push and I can't do it. And then what if your brain isn't judging you saying like, you're not cut out for corporate, it's not that sweetheart has nothing to do with that, it has to do with like a deep seated belief that you have sitting under the surface that is making you think it is external shit around you that is outside of control, when actually the fire is inside the house, it is your so what we work together on was dealing with, okay? How do you want to show up for this, if you didn't have a fear of like people judging you, etc. You know, you need to progress this project, right? It's already was being flagged with feedback that it wasn't progressing. And then of course, you're already thinking you're not cut out for it, you can't do it. Here's more evidence of that. And as I was saying to her, it kind of becomes like you kind of make the fear that you have, whether it's that you're not good enough, or that this project is going to fail true, because you're taking all this inaction, out of fear and out of something that necessarily isn't your fault. Because some people might look at this and be like, Why can't you just go do the thing? Well, it's down to a deep rooted belief that you have, it's down to things that we have learned through our childhood and growing up. And we're still operating off those same thought patterns, or pieces of code out deeper part of our brain thinks that this is going to serve us somehow. And we're still operating off that. As I said to her, this way of working now that you can see it is not helping you and it's not serving you. And of course, you're going to have to lean into fear, you have to lean into a little bit of fear that this new way of being, you know, pushing, so to speak. So I actually pushing, but in her brain, her following up was a form of like being too pushy, right? How how following up is going to help this project, right, because you need to get this project done, you need to get it through, etc. So we explored that in more detail and came up with actions, really clear actions, ones that weren't going to make her so afraid. Like if I told you to, like, I don't know, do a presentation, like get in front of like, 100,000 people that's like too much for you versus it's like, can you send this email? Or can you draft the email you're gonna send to so and so. And then leave it. And then like, you know, it's like, you can do these like little things that work with you halfway through that actually get the work done. So you're at least getting some work done. And then you're kind of leaning in when you can into some of that fear that's holding you back, and in a way that I like to say meets you halfway. Anyway, what ended up happening through all the work that we had been going through through the past through sessions is that she got the project over the line. And she got some great feedback as well being like, hey,

09:13

this was great. You did really good and all her fears around people judging her people saying that she was going to be too much or too pushy, did not happen at all. Everyone was actually pretty happy though calm, like the responses back to her was like, oh, yeah, like, Thanks for reminding me like they were actually thanking her for following you up, which is another funny thing. Sometimes we feel or I see this with women as well. If we're following up something like we're just being too pushy, and nine 9% of the time, when I'm on the other end, and I'm getting followed up. I'm like, oh, yeah, I have so many things ongoing in my life right now. I need to do that thing for you. Yes. Thank you for reminding me. You could also be doing them a favor. She was telling me afterwards how she is so thankful that she has a tool but a way to see clearly when she's doing this again, because we flesh this all out because this will happen especially when you're up leveling and you're going for Have a new project a new area, a new role, whatever it is, these types of thoughts may come back up. But the difference is she is going to be able to nip it in the bud with what I have helped her master. Before we get into like the absolute number one tip that I'm going to recommend to see this for yourself, I am going to tell you a little bit as to why this happens. Because this is really important too. Because this is going to stop the judgment from coming in. Because I also get a lot of the times people being like, why am I acting like this, bla bla bla, I shouldn't feel this way, yada, yada, yada. And you just need to stop that right now. Because your brain will be raining. I said this to a client recently as well, you are not above being human. I'm gonna say it again. You are not above being a human. Okay, you are going to have human emotions. They may sound ridiculous, other people may think they're ridiculous. Fuck them, you are gonna have your own thoughts and feelings and beliefs. And by the way, everyone has had a different past a different experience. So the things that you're going to be struggling with are going to be completely different to someone else. And you're going to look at them being like, Hey, I'm really good at that. And vice versa. They're not you know what I mean? They're good at that thing. They're not good at that thing. We've all had different life experiences, and our brains and bodies hold on to those experiences. And we'll bring them up in like situations that are not helpful, such as your corporate job. Because as I was saying to this specific line as well, you need to be having your pragmatic brain on, you need to be there as a problem solver. Problem is you cannot be problem solving. When you are procrastinating when you're operating on fear. When you are people pleasing when you are forming, that is not going to be helping you get out of the situation you were in and all progress that project, all the things she was doing, that were coming from this thought or fear around not wanting to push them were things like procrastination, which again, doesn't help. Trying to form like just hiding away, like these types of things don't help. But they are there as a protection mechanism. Because they've probably worked for you in the past, they probably work somewhere along the line. So make it really clear that guys, we have all these stories, life stories that we have are holding on to that are popping up for us and they operate in life. And people forget this all the time. Like we talk a lot about like I talked about this recently on Instagram, we talk a lot about how like childhood trauma, etc, whatever will influence you know, a relationship with a partner, we do not talk enough about how that same stuff will influence you at work. It really does. I do not care if some of you think that's a little bit like over conceptualizing or like, Oh, you're trying to, like bridge the gap between nothing that is there. And that's just not true. Because we're humans, and you will like be challenged in similar or different ways. You're working with people. And it is touching on those little stories. Okay, I worked with one client who used to just whenever there was an issue, hide them away, all hid them away, almost got them fired. And then when we went into it, and we went through all the same stuff that I was talking a little bit about before, and now it's in my program, is we also realized that what she used to do when she was a child is she had to, like hide her report card from school because God forbid, parents found out that she got really bad marks, they would get like absolutely, completely irate. And you might be thinking, Yeah, but you're a child, then and you're an adult. Now, you still hold on to this shit. You don't know you know the difference? Your thinking brain knows the difference. And you think I know the difference that you do. The other part of your brain, the limbic system, the stress response, that enter you does not know the difference, okay? It is just operating on that same operating system. It's like I used to hide things from my parents to not get shouted out. So I'm going to do the same thing at work. It makes so much sense, especially if you're worrying about what your manager is going to say, etc. On top of all of that we have a goddamn negative bias. Such negative bias. I talk about this all the time. We have the negative bias because being super positive and hoping for the best when we were like living in caves, and you know, wild bears were going to eat us. Yeah, the positive humans died. Because that one time they decided to go down to the river and that bear was there and it ate them. So we just genuinely like a negative bias kept us super safe and it worked for us back in those times. It does not work for you now. So you are trying to fight against something that is inherently wired. And by the way, it's all a little bit different for everyone. Everyone's negativity bias is different in certain areas. It's usually the areas that we have weaknesses in when I say weaknesses, I mean things we have insecure theories about things that we have thoughts or we judge ourselves over, right? So I couldn't give a crap. If I bake a cake. And I don't know, it turns out really bad because I just know that look, I like to eat, I don't really like to cook, and I'm not the best cook, and that is fine. But maybe my coaching business or even like some of the things that I'm doing at work that I'm still developing, so my capability and belief over. Yeah, I am going to have a little bit of insecurity around that. And I am going to sit there thinking, what if this happens, what if this bad things happens? So in In short, the things that you really care about, it's like a child or dog, right? God, Oh, my God, you can use layers. In example, right now, I really want her to get bigger, because I am so scared of like a book falling on top of her at a dream, she got run over by a car, like my brain was just thinking of all the horrible things, the ways that she could go, and how much like pain would be in and how much pain she will be in? And so same thing things you care about? What are the worst things because then you're thinking about the worst things that could happen? How can I then solve for them ahead of time. And the problem is 99% of the time, you are not doing that, for me really pragmatic, clear space for doing that from an anxious space, there's nothing I can really do at home, to protect this little one. Right? Other than, like, make sure like no dangerous items and stuff like that are off. But like all the other things that I'm thinking of, like really rare cases, and me overthinking it a lot, right? And some overthinking can help you it can make you into a person where you're thinking of like, what are the steps? What should we be following, etc. But you can't, that also gives you into a false sense of control that you think you can control everything that's happening to you in life, and it's just not life doesn't happen that way. So with that, what is the number one thing you can start doing today to see if you are self sabotaging at work? This is what you can do. Whenever you are faced with these types of questions where you are reacting to something that is happening, right like the I don't know, projects getting delayed, you feel like it's too hard, you feel like you're not doing good enough or something like that. I want you to list out what you're thinking about it, right? Just all the stuff, I can't do this, etc. Pick out one of those thoughts. And I just want you to ask either why, or why is this a problem? Right? The project's hard. Why is this a problem? Because I can't do it really well. Okay, if you can't do really well, why is that a problem? Keep going down. The reason I say that is because you'll start to get to a thought that relates to you all, by the way not start to you will get to a thought that relates to you. Now, if you want to know is like okay, but how far do I go? Even if you get to the point, like you keep going forever, right? Just keep asking yourself that and keep writing, see what happens. And once you get and if you want to know, like, where to stop, because if you're new to this stop at the part where the thought is in relation to you, whether it's like fear of acts of someone getting mad at me, you know, feeling afraid, feeling scared, etc. That is a thought to work with, then I want you to take that thought and I want you to say okay, if this thought could be eliminated? How could I? Like, if this just thoughts just didn't exist? How could I feel? instead? How, how would I want to feel? Would it be like confident and then what are some actions, I could take off the back of that? Right? Because they're the things that you want to do. Because you now identify the thought that relates to you. Because when you say a project is hard, right? It gives it more power versus I don't want to be rejected. Because you're like, Okay, if a project is hard, that's then saying to you like,

18:50

I can't do this, I'm not capable of it, etc. Versus if the real deep thought or root thought underneath all of this is I don't want to be rejected, then it's like, okay, well, you just have to deal with the feeling of potentially feeling being rejected, you're actually not afraid of rejection, you're afraid of feeling the feelings of like abandonment and stuff like that. Can you live and, like still be okay, if you felt that way? If you felt abandonment? Yeah, you can, like it's doesn't feel great, but you can, you're not gonna die from it. It just takes up pressure of it. Because you can realize that, oh, this all comes down to me, and how I'm thinking about the situation or I'm afraid of something happening in the future. And then the, how you actually want to feel now you may not, you might be like okay, but I still think this way, doesn't matter. If you're coming up with some actions that are like, Okay, I would follow so and so up, I would ask someone so for support, there's still actions that are helpful, that are going to get you to the right and a better position. And you're going to lean into some of that fear and then move you know, be able to move from there. Now that how to lean into the fear how How to move forward how to actually say to yourself, take something that feels really scary and be like, Hey, I am going to in a way that works with me and not against me start to change my belief system about myself and the situation, start to be more intentional show up completely differently show up instead of going from like, complete fear to confidence to be able to be like, Hey, this is what I need x for the project that you find out way more detail in my program. And the reason I don't tell you all the stuff in this podcast is because it's very customized. I get into your brain. When you sign up with me, you fill out a questionnaire, we have a few sessions where we're chatting about your goals, we build up an action plan together, and I'm customizing the whole program around you and your goals and the skills you're mastering are specific to your situation. They are customized for you. So with that, this is still going to help you it's still going to give you at the start to be able to see how you're self sabotaging if you want to get more deeper work. Firstly, I do also suggest following me on Instagram and Tiktok because I can't explain these a little bit more. And I have little like soundbites snippets, I break things down we work you know, you can see me and you work through like some models and stuff like that. So that's one thing as well, you can do that in the show notes. And if you want to get even deeper again, sign up on the waitlist to hear more about my program. I will be having some openings in May. And you can get on a call with me where we have a chat to see if this is the right fit for you and how the program can help you someone who is high achieving. You want to have that, you know big amazing corporate career but you don't want to be burning out at the same time. You really want an epic work and life you do not have to give up your life for your corporate career. I improve of this. Alright, I will see you guys next week. Bye