Is That Feedback Helping or Holding You Back?

Some feedback helps you grow—until it doesn’t.

You’re told to “be open to feedback,” but what happens when that feedback is vague, emotional, or just plain confusing? In this episode, we dig into the subtle ways feedback can be used to manipulate or keep you small—and how to tell the difference between real guidance and disguised criticism.

In this episode:

•  The #1 question to ask when feedback feels off
•  The difference between growth-oriented vs manipulative feedback
•  Why women (especially neurodivergent ones) are conditioned to over-trust authority
•  How to build your own “feedback filter” so you stop shrinking and start growing

This episode is for high-achieving, neurodivergent women who are tired of second-guessing themselves after every review—and are ready to reclaim their confidence at work.

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⚠️ Disclaimer:   This podcast is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or psychological advice. Any stories, examples, or scenarios discussed are illustrative and may be composites or anonymised accounts. They do not refer to any specific individual, client, workplace, or organisation. 

Transcript

Michelle Kevill: 0:37

Hello, my corporate survivalists. How are you? I am doing so well. I am bulk recording a ton of episodes I've been working on for a while, and I'm really excited about this one again, comes off my broken boundaries series, which you should go check it out, including the free workplace grooming guide and checklist. But today I want to dive into something that can seriously mess with your head, which is actually feedback, or more accurately, what feels like feedback, but may actually be something else entirely, possibly vague criticism, insecurity and disguise, or even strategic manipulation. And look, I make this super clear, not all feedback is manipulation, and normal manipulation is also intentional. Sometimes it's rooted in other person's own fear, anxiety, lack of emotional maturity. But regardless of the intention, the impact on you can be the same. Can create confusion, self doubt and feeling like you're always on the back foot. So in today's episode, we're going to unpack how to tell the difference between real growth oriented feedback that's going to help you in your corporate career and subtle, often subconscious tactics that could actually be keeping you small under the guise of feedback, especially in environments where covert power dynamics, insecurity or emotional immaturity are at play. So by the end of this episode, you're going to have a clear sense of how to interpret feedback in a way that honors your you got it discernment. That is my biggest theme through all my episodes. How do we get your discernment much better, which is your ability to judge well. So you're going to learn how to separate grounded guidance from foggy feedback that keeps you spinning, even if it was intended as manipulation. This is about reconnecting with your internal compass, not needing to prove yourself to someone else. So what we're going to cover is basically how we're wired to trust authority and condition to doubt ourselves, especially if you're a high achieving, neurodivergent corporate woman, what kind of person gives feedback that keeps you stuck, including insecure or status driven dynamics we're gonna go through, what manipulative versus real feedback actually looks like, using some side by side corporate examples so you can get better at determining the difference. And I'm also going to give you a tool to determine the difference, something that you could go through mentally and what to do when the feedback feels vague, shaky or emotionally loaded. Okay, so why are we wired to trust and condition to typically doubt ourselves? And I talk about this because a lot of high achieving corporate women who are neurodivergent, and I talk about this in one of my other episodes as well, called How to Cope with feedback. Is a lot of the times can be very confusing, and that feeling of I have to believe what this person is saying, I have to take it on. I have to make a difference. And this is why I created this episode, because I do believe that there is a big difference between real feedback versus what could be a bit more vague, foggy and manipulative, or sometimes it just hasn't been articulated well, and I'll give you some tips later on. But from the time we are children, we are conditioned to trust authority figures. School teaches us to follow the rules, defer to a teacher, and to believe that those in power know best. That programming doesn't just vanish when you hit adulthood, it shows up in the boardroom, in performance reviews and in the way we instinctively respond to feedback from managers or executives. And if you want to deal a little bit more with some of those feelings that may pop up around receiving feedback, I would encourage you to search in my later episodes how to cope with feedback. Now, if you're a woman, especially in any male dominated spaces, this can get even messier, because we are taught to seek external validation. You know, be likable, be agreeable, don't rock the boat. Assertiveness can get reframed as aggression. Emotion gets labeled as unprofessional or unstable, and we can learn to filter ourselves to be more palatable, and we learn to assume that when someone gives us feedback, they must be right, and if it feels bad, we must be the problem. So from that lens, it's no surprise that many women override their gut instinct. They're not just like trained to trust authority. It's more that they're conditioned to distrust themselves. And this doesn't mean you're going to turn into an egotistical maniac, narcissist that doesn't absorb anything. I just want to give you a tool to do it in a way that builds on your disturb discernment, that gut instinct, learn how to integrate feedback. In a way that doesn't make you feel like, firstly, you're being attacked, but also just integrated as part of your authenticity and who you are as a person. Now I want to go into a little bit around the kind of person that is going to give you feedback that may keep you stuck, because not all feedback is created equal. Look, some people genuinely want to help you to grow others, consciously or not, may want to maintain control, soothe their own ego, or avoid confronting their own security insecurities altogether. They also could be a classic covert narcissist, or even overt narcissist, who praises you one day and then cuts you down the next. But it could also just be someone who's deeply insecure and unconsciously undermines others to feel safe, like a peer who's framing feedback as supportive, but it always leaves you second guessing yourself. Sometimes they may not even realize they're doing it, but here is the giveaway, if their feedback is leaving you spinning and not anchored, it's vague, it's inconsistent and it's often personal, not behavioral. I do think it's important that we separate our own internal reactions to feedback that touch on our own insecurities, but then once you're able to strengthen that, it is really important as part of everything that I'm talking about with office politics and the game, etc, to work out right is this type of feedback helping me grow, or is this something that is trying to pull me down? So to give some examples, maybe a senior manager tells you that you need to be more professional, and you ask what they mean, but they can't give you specifics, just a general sense of you come off too casual. It wasn't prepared. It was just a jab, and now maybe they're scrambling to justify. Another example is like it could be, you're really direct, but in a good way, but when you ask if that's a concern, maybe they backtrack, and now you're unsure whether it was a compliment or a criticism, and again, you're left second guessing yourself. Another one could be you need to work on collaboration. But when you ask what exactly needs to change, they may struggle. They may some they say something, something that they've picked up on. There's nothing clear to work with, just a little bit of discomfort. Now, let's get very real about what vague or manipulative feedback actually sounds like, and how it differs from the real thing. Manipulative or unclear feedback will be emotionally loaded but intellectually foggy. I'm going to say that again, it is emotionally loaded but intellectually foggy, meaning it triggers a strong emotional response in you, but lacks clarity, detail or actional specifics. Now I want to be clear, yes, if you are a self aware person like me, you're into coaching all that type of stuff, and you're already focusing in on you, sometimes feedback can naturally trigger this type of stuff. However, how it cares framed is really important. It is likely going to be more triggering if it's framed around you as a person, not necessarily you're interpreting that way, but if it's looking about your personality versus what you did, it's lacking specifics or a measurable criteria. It is leaving you in a state of confusion or low grade panic. That can be an example of manipulative or unclear feedback versus real feedback. It's specific, observable, neutral. This is so key. It is about the behavior or output, not your character or identity. This is why for so many women, especially neurodivergent ones, when they are receiving feedback and we're coaching through it, when it is about something objective, right, like a behavior, it is so much more easier to be absorbed versus the subjective one, because it's touching on a ton of insecurities and not all feedback is like super manipulative. Some people are just not the best at sharing that in a way that's going to be absorbed by the other person. A structuring of the message to that person, especially if they are a manager or a senior person, is still really important, and something that they also need to take into account as well. So yes, do your inner work around your feelings, but as well, take note of these small, subtle things as well. So again, it should include a pathway to move forward, like this is what you should be doing, and it should leave you feeling anchored, not anxious, like you know what you need to be doing. So let me give you some more examples between some vague manipulative feedback versus the same example, but when it's real. So here's an example. The way you handled that presentation came off a little intense, and senior leaders noticed I'd also be noting tone and how it's being presented as well. Versus in Tuesday's meeting, you interrupted the CFO twice while there were. Speaking, let's chat about how we can signal disagreement without stepping on key stakeholders. See the difference? One is subjective, the other one is more objective. It's focusing on that specific behavior, and it's giving you a pathway forward. Another one is, well, we're just not seeing the strategic impact we expected from your role. Versus, Hey, your campaign. Look, it drove strong engagement, but the conversion plan wasn't clear. Let's dig into how we can strengthen that next time two, I'm telling you right now are going to create very different reactions. Another one, you seem emotional in meetings, just something to reflect on. Versus, in last week's team update your voice raised when timelines shifted. Was that stress related? Do we need to adjust the load? These examples show the same moment reframed either as foggy judgment or as actionable feedback that is your cue. And one more thing as well, if you are someone that tends to overthink or immediately assume that all feedback is an attack again. This is where discernment is going to be your best friend. Some of us are just used to being judged, and even neutral or constructive. Feedback can feel like a threat, but real feedback, it's not going to be about who you are. It's going to be about what you did. And a great manager isn't trying to correct your style, they're trying to support your growth with your strengths intact. So yes, you get to decide what you take on, but remember, self promotion isn't the same as self trust. Not all feedback is manipulation, and not all discomfort means danger, but that is a nuance. Here's another example that I'm going to share that I've received throughout my corporate career as well. And I actually think I did talk about this quite a while ago in a few episodes, so I received some feedback. I basically went along the lines of like, look, you're quite bubbly, and some of the senior leaders noticed just something to keep in mind. The challenge with this is there were no specifics, especially when I tried to probe deeper to understand what they actually meant. It was relying on unnamed others senior people, so it added to the pressure. Again, I was left guessing, is probably bad. Should I dim my personality? Is this a style issue or a performance issue? Later on, I reflected on it, and then I actually ended up speaking to my coach and also mentor, who is also used to work in the corporate world as well. And she was the one that actually gave me the reframed or real feedback. Really the thing, the essence of what this other person was trying to say. And it was along the lines of, like, Look Michelle, something like, you know, in this presentation, your high energy tone during the intro may have been perceived by some senior stakeholders as overly casual. It's a little bit like a surgeon. So if you're a surgeon, and these senior stakeholders are the people you're going to work on, if you are coming in too upbeat or too casual before operating, think about it. Is that going to make the patient feel uneasy? So your natural warmth is your strength, and balancing it out with a more grounded tone in those moments is going to help reinforce confidence in your leadership. That clicked with me so much better because it was specific to the situation. It gave me context. It used a relatable metaphor for someone like me to understand what it was. It had nothing to do with who I was as a person. It had to do with the tone. It gave me something grounded to therefore understand it better. It validated me as a person. Hey, this is a strength, but also here's a targeted adjustment and why. It gave me agency without shaming me who I was, and later going to do an episode on how to give feedback, because I'm telling you right now, this is why a lot of people also struggle to give feedback, too, because we all, we obviously don't want to offend people and stuff like that. But if you can be framed in a way where you are genuine, coming from a genuine place, you're trying to help the person, you are not attacking their personality, you are going to be focusing on objective, specific things, and you can give examples and be grounded with them, is going to be a lot easier. So here is something. I'm calling it a feedback filter. It's a tool you can use to determine the difference when feedback lands and you feel unsettled, you don't have to rush to accept or reject it. Instead, you can use this tool of these questions, the first one is, was it prepared or reactive? If you ask for specifics, can they answer the second, what was their tone? Was it curious? Was it condescending? Did it feel very rushed? Was it about the behavior or your identity? I want to make this clear, behavior means what you did, a specific action, choice or delivery, but identity means who you are, personality, emotional traits. Feedback should always be about something you can observe and adjust, not fundamentally who you are. Did you leave this conversation? Clearer or more confused. Another important one, has this person given consistent, fair feedback before? Is there a pattern and out of anything, please ask yourself this like question, who benefits? If I believe this, I'm gonna say it again. Who benefits from this? If I believe this, if this feedback keeps you small, compliant or scrambling to prove yourself, and if the other person gains power, praise or relief from accountability, that's not feedback. It may be strategy. But again, don't use this to spiral into overthinking. The goal isn't to become hypervigilant. It's to give yourself a moment to assess and to choose. And with time, this does get easier. You'll start to feel it faster. You'll recognize the difference between feedback that stretches you and feedback that shrinks you. You'll develop an inner bullshit feedback barometer that doesn't require you to make a spreadsheet every time something lands wrong. That's what building discernment looks like. It's not about filtering everything through fear. It's just finally learning to trust yourself again. So let's bring this home again. You've likely been trained to trust feedback from those in power. And again, if you're a high achieving, neurodivergent woman, you've probably spent years internalizing vague, emotionally loaded feedback that possibly made you shrink instead of extend. Some people give feedback with clarity and care, and others give it from fear, ego or unprocessed insecurity. Some use it to help, some use it to control, and some just don't know how to give good feedback. Real feedback is specific, neutral and action orientated. It's going to leave you steadier, not shakier. You do not need to be perfect to be powerful. You just need to slow it down, ask better questions and trust your gut, even if the part that's been second guessed for years is is starting to come back online. It's okay if your discernment isn't 100% yet, is what I'm trying to say. Build it up. The problem I find with the women I coach, when it comes to like I'm really reinforcing building discernment, is this need to get it right every time, but it's like, you know, a baby trying to walk, they're not going to get it right the first time. So it doesn't mean you're crap at discernment or being able to judge. It's like you're building it. So if this episode gave you something to think about, share it with a friend or a colleague, and again, follow me on Instagram, Tiktok everything, and you've got this and you're all alone, you're doing really well. I've got you all right. See you in the next two weeks.