Strategic People Pleasing: Be Liked Without Being Used

Some people-pleasing is smart. But most of it? It’s default—and it’s exhausting you.

If you’re constantly saying yes before thinking, absorbing tension in meetings, or working twice as hard just to be liked—your emotional intelligence might be running on autopilot. And it’s costing you influence.

In this episode:

•  What default people pleasing looks like in corporate life
•  Why high-achieving, ND women are especially prone to it
•  4 “helpful” habits that are secretly holding you back
•  How to turn people pleasing into strategic leverage

This episode helps you stop over-functioning and start using your strengths on purpose.

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⚠️ Disclaimer:   This podcast is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or psychological advice. Any stories, examples, or scenarios discussed are illustrative and may be composites or anonymised accounts. They do not refer to any specific individual, client, workplace, or organisation. 

Transcript

Michelle Kevill: 0:37

Hello my corporate survivalists, and welcome to today's episode. So this one is called strategic people pleasing, how to be liked without actually being used. Because if you're neurodivergent, high achieving and emotionally intelligent, there is a very good chance that you've learned to survive by making people happy, or specifically people pleasing. Growing up, you likely worked out and were able to anticipate what your parents needed, especially other people around you. And now in corporate, you can sense what your manager or stakeholders need before they even say it, and you might not even realize that you're doing it, because, again, this is not always conscious or a calculated choice. Sometimes it can feel like a compulsion. You feel pulled to say yes, to keep things smooth, to be the one who makes everything okay, and you're really good at it, to a point that it can feel like a reflex. Part of you may even believe that you have to say yes, that it is part of the job, and that if you say no, things will fall apart or you'll look selfish or ungrateful. And that belief it can also feel so true and so deeply wired that any act of self preservation or standing up for yourself feels like an act of rebellion, but this is one of the biggest myths that I see holding women back, and I have an entire episode, which I'll share later on to help you unpack that and more of the people pleasing that is extremely more overt and burning you out. So I'll share that at the end, but I want to tell you that people pleasing, it's not a weakness, it's actually pattern recognition and emotional fluency. But when used unconsciously, it becomes your default mode that is overriding your own needs. When it becomes compulsive, when you say yes to protect a reputation, to avoid discomfort or because you don't trust your right to say no or even feel safe saying no, that is not a strength anymore. That is fear running the show. And if you've ever thought to yourself like, I don't want to be seen as difficult, I want help, but I'm drowning. I wish I could just be less of a people pleaser, then this episode is for you, because we're going to break down the difference between default people pleasing and what I like to call strategic people pleasing. This is how to use your people pleasing to an advantage, how to stop it from draining you, and how to still be someone who cares without being someone who caves. This is a little bit of a follow on from episode four, that two part series around playing the corporate game and office politics, because if that one helps you realize that playing the game again doesn't make you fake, and what it's all about, what I'm kind of diving into is that one step further, it's about how to use your instinct, your natural, authentic empathy that is like, genuine and there to like, connect please and smooth over for your benefit and more strategically, not just randomly, for everyone else. So my goal for this episode is for you, high achieving corporate women, especially neurodivergent women, who tend to over please, to understand how to harness their people pleasing tendencies strategically to build influence, ease their workload and feel a lot more empowered versus resentful. And if you want more No BS tips like these, without the corporate fluff, head to my show notes and Instagram anywhere you can find me online and subscribe to my email list to get these tips right to your inbox. But what I'm going to take you through today is, firstly, why you over please and how to reclaim that as a gift and a tool that you can use, including the key difference between your default people pleasing versus what strategic people pleasing looks like. Then finally, how to do it for yourself and also spot your own patterns so that you can stop yourself and move into being more strategic. Okay, so if you're anything like me, you just need to know the why, and I'm going to tell you why you people, please. So if you are neurodivergent autistic ADHD, or someone with deep emotional sensitivity, you probably learned very early on that making people happy helped you feel safe, pleasing others for you may have not just been about approval, it could have also been about survival. Maybe you grew up in a household where you had to constantly judge or adapt to your parents mood. Maybe you were the responsible one, the Peacekeeper, maybe now you're even the unofficial work mum in the office who keeps everyone calm, organized and Okay, and when you make people feel at ease, you therefore feel safer. Now this dynamic might have kept you. Protected as a child, but it now follows you into the boardrooms and team meetings, and while it once earned you love or safety, it now is often earning you burnout, because you got praised for being the easy going, helpful, adaptable kid, and that 100% got reinforced so now at work, the urge to over accommodate everyone doesn't just feel normal. It feels necessary. For example, you may say yes without checking your capacity. You may over explain yourself because you fear being misunderstood. You may even mirror your manager's preferences, even when it contradicts your own instinct, and all of this comes from a desire to stay safe, avoid conflict, and feel like you belong. Key thing on, belong again if you are neurodivergent, one of the things especially women do really only on, is learn how to mask and it is why they get so undiagnosed or misdiagnosed until later in life. But let's be honest, when this is left unchecked, you get labeled as the nice one, the fixer, the one who's always available and ready. And whilst that can be praised, it can also get taken for granted, or worse, it completely leaves you resenting others who didn't even ask you to, like take that on, or didn't even you. They just expected you to do it, and in some cases, it can make you more vulnerable to things than just burnout, because many women, especially those wired to attune to others, can be taken advantage of by older mentors, authority figures or charismatic leaders who sense that over functioning instinct and then exploit it and again, if this hits home, I want you to go back and listen to my broken boundaries series. This is where it unpacks what grooming looks like in the workplace, how to spot it and rebuild trust for you with yourself after that happens. So we have a place. What do we want to do instead? Because here's the thing, you need to reclaim this as a gift. People pleasing is not the enemy. It's just that no one taught you how to use it intentionally. And let me this clear, this isn't about becoming a dickhead. It's not about shutting off your kindness or faking cold detachment. It's about being smart. You do not need to be going into work and spraying your emotional intelligence and capacity onto everyone, especially assholes who may be taking advantage of it, or, you know, not giving it back, or they might even subconsciously, like, not be overtly manipulative. That's just how they're operating as well on their own unconscious biases. This is about conserving that gift that you have and using it wisely for your benefit, for your career growth, your mental well being, and your sense of power and peace at work. Because here is the amazing truth, you likely know how to read the room better than most people. You pick up on what they want, and you're tuned into the emotions and dynamics that others miss. That is powerful. That is what great leaders, salespeople, coaches and influencers do. They use connection, tone and timing to make things happen? So can we please stop pretending that your people pleasing is a flaw? It might feel like that right now because it's very overwhelming, but instead ask yourself, how can you use this amazing trait that you have in a way that works for you. This is what I call strategic people pleasing, using your ability to smooth charm, support and adapt, not out of fear, but from a place of confidence and power, because that is the difference between being taken advantage of and getting what you want or what your team needs without friction. Okay, so what is the difference then, between your default and strategic people pleasing? So what default people pleasing typically looks like is, you know, perfect example, saying yes because you feel bad saying no over, communicating again for fear of being misunderstood, avoiding a level of directness to not seem rude, agreeing even if you have doubts, because conflict feels unsafe. But most importantly, the one that I see the most common with all my clients, is jumping in to say yes and then realizing afterwards that, oh crap, like I literally have no capacity to do this, but I've already said yes, and I'm too embarrassed to communicate that whereas strategic people pleasing looks more like this, it's choosing what moments to be soft and when to be more direct, doing this intentionally versus fear, sharing your ideas in a way that others can hear and support without. Watering them down again out of fear, using tone and timing to your advantage and building social capital. So when you do need to push back, people are able to listen because strategic people pleasing. I want to tell you this right now. It's not fake, it's not manipulative, it's tactical. You're not doing this to be liked. You're doing things to make your job easier, your reputation stronger and your influence smoother. Okay, like, think of it like this. Default pleases, you are giving away your power. But strategic pleas, oh, my god, strategic people pleasers are trading it. You are totally allowed within your head to say, You know what, if I'm going to do this extra work, and the thing that I'm going to take on, I'm going to make sure it positions me as high value, that it's going to be visible, or something like that. That's not selfish, that is strategic. If it feels inauthentic, it is likely because, and you know, I'm going to share the later episode for you, there is a whole heap of like, again, root thoughts underneath all of this that want to keep you in the pattern of just automatically, like giving your power away. And I don't say that to criticize you. This is a really common thing. I used to do this all the time, whereas all I want you to do is just look at the energy that you're giving out and just start to reassess it and look at where do I want to direct that pleasing energy into? Again, doesn't mean you become cold, detached or a complete asshole or really corporate or fake. You just want to like you don't have the emotional bandwidth to be throwing this out everywhere. So how do you flip the pattern then? Because what does this actually look like in real life? So if we here are the some of the most common ways people pleasing is showing up at work, likely for you. And because, if you're one listening and wondering, wait, I am doing that, this is the part where I help you connect the dots. Because we're going to look at what people pleasing might look like in default mode, right? Like the automatic, unfiltered way that you're doing things to try be liked and safe deep down. And then I'll show you what a strategic version, version looks like, where you're still using your emotional intelligence, but now with purpose and power. So let's zoom in on the most, like four most common people pleasing patterns and how to flip them, right? So let's take default people pleasing mode around, like, say, a one on one with your manager, right? So maybe default mode is that you might keep a vague mental list of what you've done, but maybe you don't prepare, but you also assume that your manager will ask the right questions, or already know what you're working on when they don't. You may feel overlooked, confused about your performance and frustrated that your impact isn't getting recognized. And why this happened is possibly like you might be a little bit uncomfortable promoting yourself, or unsure of what's more important enough to share, or just used to being told what matters, or worry that if this gets asked and it's going to lead to more questions, etc, whereas some like leaning in on more strategic people pleasing is you can just do some light touch prep, you know, a tidy list of your wins, priorities, blockers, and, like, one thing that you want your manager's opinion on, not only does this show ownership, but sometimes, if I'm honest, like, this is just a little side tip. When your manager has, like, a million fires to put out, it can be a relief for them to have something neat, clear, already moving. You know, like, cognitive load is put down because you've organized it for them, and you're asking for their view on something like, Hey, I just need some support on this thing. It gives them a moment to feel useful and smart, and that is a win for them and a strategic play for you. And I know it might sound a little bit like fake or cheesy, but I'll tell you one of the reasons why I actually love doing this. It is years ago in one of the corporations I used to work for. I was an admin assistant, and I remember I had to go up to, like, the CEO of the company to sign off on these contracts. And I used to always feel so nervous and so like, oh gosh, and like, such a bother. And she's so busy, I used to come in or whatever. And you know what she said to me once, she said, you know, Michelle, it's so nice that I just get to do something so simple that's just gonna, you know, that's just gonna move forward and make your day a little better. And I didn't realize, but she actually loved when I came in. Was like, Hey, I have this thing for you to sign for, blah, blah, blah. Because it just was like, Oh, wow. What? It's a small thing for me to do to make it even better. And sometimes we just get to chatting a little bit on like, Oh, this is the thing that we're trying to progress here, and stuff like that. And she'd love to hear about it. People love feeling helpful, and there's nothing wrong with that. And like, come in genuinely, right? I'm not saying create something fake. I mean, if you have something, share it with them, right? Like you come across. Like, if you're saying, like, hey, look, this is what I've done. This is what's next. This is my blocker, and I'd love your take on this. Like, how would you approach this? This is my view. You are coming across as proactive, clear, coachable. You're pleasing by making the job easier, and you're directing the conversation so your work is getting seen, your needs are heard, and your influence is growing and they're getting. Feel a little bit good about themselves because they are able to help you with something. All I'm asking you to do is to be more aware of that, especially if you're noticing like they're having a bad day. Maybe, hey, it's time for me to pull on this thing, for them to, you know, to bring up the thing to them to get feedback on as well, like when to pick it again. People have made like, the thing you have made out corporate game, whatever this like manipulative, like bro marketing, evil thing, and actually all it is is taking your emotional energy and being strategic about it, like, seriously. If you want more info, head to the office politics, corporate, you know, culture, playground, whatever. I've named it two part series, which is a bit earlier on, it goes into it much more. The next one is about like friendliness versus like, being more strategic with your friendliness. So if you are, your default mode for people pleasing might be like, you're super warm with everyone. You're chatty on teams. You're the first to say, like, happy fry, yay. I know I am. And the one people come to when things are really tense, but it can be scattered, like your energy is being spent managing relationships that may not be helping you progress, and some of those people might even be taking advantage of those relationships, and they might not even be reciprocal. And deep down, maybe you worry that being too friendly is making you seem unserious, because here's a problem, you've likely learned that likeability keeps you safe, so you spread your friendliness like some insurance. But the problem is, it's exhausting, and it's not getting the influence you hope for, right? Again, this isn't about the cold detachment, but being more strategic with your friendliness, you still bring that warmth, but all I want you to do is target it a little bit more. So okay, so you build relationships where it counts with maybe that hard to read stakeholder, that next leader up, or Mr. Or whatever, the peer with political capital. You know, you might pop in like, Hey, I saw this update. Great summary. Can I pick your brain on this other thing that's related? This works because here's the thing, okay, I am saying this with the advice that you're coming in authentically, and you are you probably don't feel authentic because you aren't used to being strategic with this crap. But everyone that I have coached and work with has this just beautiful, bubbly, authentic energy. And I'm like, just use it more strategically. You will go so far. Use your social instincts to grease the goddamn wheels that impacts your influence, not just to be liked by everyone. That is the difference between being everyone's emotional freaking sponge and being a trusted connector, be friendly with people, but I would invest some of that into specific people that are also going to help your career and do that from an authentic place. Nothing wrong with that. The next one is so important, and it's about that default yes that you do for volunteering for everything versus picking out things that are going to give you visibility and leverage. Okay, your default mode is likely to say yes to everything, minutes, decks, freaking, lunch and learns, onboarding, support you are trying to be seen as helpful. And again, we've talked about how this keeps you safe, but instead, you then become the go to for all the invisible labor you feel overused and under acknowledged. And this is because you fear saying no is going to make you look selfish or not team oriented, but the yes is coming from anxiety, not alignment. Okay, like, it's like you would rather say no than feel shitty feelings and judge yourself, whereas strategic people pleasing you, you're still going to be offering this this support, but maybe more so where it aligns with your growth and goals, or increases visibility. So you you might even say, like, I'm happy to lead on this as it's going to let me build deeper insight and capability connect with this I've been wanting to learn from blah, blah blah. Like, if you are going to say yes to all the things, say them to the specific things that are gonna help your career. You're still team focused, but now you're going to be focusing on contributions that actually serve you and where you want to go. Okay, you're trying to help your value and development, which leaders notice and reward, and you're going to stop becoming the go to like for everything. Because here's the problem, you set that standard, and people are going to use that standard. Some people will abuse that standard, but then some people are just going to going to subconsciously know that you'll automatically say yes, and you do that. And again, if this is a struggle, I'm going to tell you on an episode which goes into this much more deeper, but I'm telling you this right now, it is totally fine to not say yes to everything, and to say yes to things that are going to help your career. The next one is so important as well, because it's about your hyper attunement to other people's feelings, versus using that hyper awareness that you have around everyone's emotions and being able. To kind of guide the vibe of the room and use it in like a more leadership way. So let me break it down more clearly. Your default mode might be you walk into a meeting and you instantly sense like something's off. Stakeholders seem cold. A tone shift happens someone's size, your nervous system kicks in. You start adjusting. You might soften your tone over apologize, offer to take things off people's plates, maybe even keep quiet if you had something to say. But what's actually really happening is you're absorbing the emotional temperature of the room, and you're making it your responsibility to fix it, even when you had nothing to do with how other people are feeling. You may feel on edge hours afterwards, you might even replay what you could have done better, whereas a strategic people pleaser. In this case, you are still picking up on the vibe. But instead of internalizing it, you externalize it with curiosity and action. Okay, for example, in that same situation, you might say something like, it sounds like it sounds like this is getting a little bit complex. Would it help if I summarize some options before next steps are aligned, or I noticed some hesitation around this direction, keen to unpack this or on the same page, blah, blah, blah. Why This Works? Okay, you're still doing like some emotional labor and using your emotional radar, but now you're guiding the room. You're not absorbing it, you're almost channeling the emotional energy out to an end point. You create clarity and psychological safety for others and yourself. That is executive fucking presence, which I'm gonna do a whole episode on if you're like, What the fuck is that? Without the performance and without you being the emotional sponge, okay, how do you then spot your own patterns and where you are doing this? Because this part is about building awareness, because if you don't know what your patterns are, you cannot shift them. So, you know, grab a notebook or type it out and answer honestly, like there's absolutely no shame or judgment. Again, this is just data, because the more you get used to spotting these default habits, the easier it's going to become to interrupt them in real time and again. It's not about being perfect. It's about catching yourself earlier and earlier and then doing the work to make slow little shifts. So you want to make two lists you want to start with what default pleasing looks like for you. Okay, so like, like, what are you doing now? That is the default? Is it? Saying yes to every request, staying back to help others when your own work isn't done, agreeing with decisions, apologizing when, like, things aren't your fault. And you can start just by high level writing out what it is you do. And then getting to that, like, root action, you could say, like, you know, say yes to everything, right? Then the second thing you want to do is you want to look at each one of those, like, start with just one, and you want to look at, well, how am I going to flip this more into a strategy? So what you can do is you can, like, name that trigger. So what is a situation or cue that tends to activate this specific level of people pleasing. Is it more when someone like if, for example, saying yes to everything, right? Do you more do it when someone senior makes a request, versus that someone that's a colleague, or when it's more last minute? The second thing you want to do is notice what that default urge is. What do you usually do? And what is that feeling? Not just say yes, but is it say yes without thinking? Is the yes almost to calm yourself down for the anxiety that comes over you? Do you tend to over explain as you're taking on that task? A third thing I want you to do is actually like, what do you want to do? And then how can you use your strengths to do that? What do you like? Do you actually want to say no, offer a different idea, ask for more time and like? What you want to do is you want to take that desire and link it to what you're already good at right? So how can you build on it? Like, if you want to say no, but maybe in this example, you have a good relationship with these people, it's just coming up with a reframe, which is the fourth thing you want to do. You want to pause new one reframe, right? You want to look at ways to respond that still reflects your values but protects your time and energy. So instead of like, Yes, I'll take it on. It's, hey, thanks for this opportunity. Blah, blah, I've got capacity to do this. If I drop X, what do you want me to prioritize? And for some of you that might like bring up a lot of thoughts and feelings, which I'll get into an episode, which will help you with that, but I'll give you an actual example that actually happened for me. Not too long ago, I was asked to work on something that was really, really cool, but the way I framed it, and again, because I've done the work, was coming from a very grounded response. I was like, Hey, this is a fantastic opportunity. Thank you so much for including me. And these are the things that are going on right now in my workspace that. Working on. So what I can give you is a high level summary. In the meantime, would love to be included in as early as I can, so I can give you something more in depth moving forward. It's confident, it's grounded. No one can argue with it, because I'm being honest. I'm like, here is my capacity. This is what I can do with the time that you have given me. It takes time to own that. Okay, so you want to practice, reflect and repeat. The goal isn't to be perfect every time, it's to slowly shorten that gap between reacting and automatically saying yes and choosing your response. So each time you notice, I want you to do your best to redirect, even if it feels gross and messy, because that is growth, and you want to start small. Okay, you might not be able to say no to that senior stakeholder, but can you say no to like the colleague, because it's going to bring down your own work, and you need to be like, hey, I can give you, this is how much time I can give you. But you know, I because I need to do ABCD right, because you need to prove to prove to your brain and body that you're going to be safe every time you do this. So these aren't flaws, by the way. These are tools, and I just need you to point them more in the right direction, because spraying and praying your emotional energy and your people pleasing is not helping you in your career. So to wrap up again, you're allowed to be smart about this. You're not weak for being a people pleaser. You were very, very smart. You picked up on it because you had to. So now I want you to strategically decide how to use it. So start naming your default behaviors, flip them into strategic plays, and use your strengths with intention, not fear. And it will take time to identify what your strengths are, and that's fine. And remember, strategic people pleasing it's not about being fake. It's about using your emotional intelligence to build safety, influence and support without betraying yourself or your values. Now you are finding this hard to even fathom, like saying no feels impossible and you want to vomit, and it makes you feel completely guilty. That is okay. This work is very layered. It's emotional, and it takes time, so I'm gonna recommend some episodes on this. This helps you deal more with the emotions that are like popping up that are stopping you. Because the frustrating thing I found when I was going through this years ago myself, is people like, this is how you frame how to say so and so. And it's like, I can't even fucking frame it, because every time, like, I want to say what that person says, like, exactly what I said. That example, I gave you that grounded response, but I didn't have the emotional bandwidth to back it up. Like I probably just would have been like, trembling and vomiting on the call. So check out the episode people pleasing and how to stop. I am telling you much more detail, like how to work with your brain versus against it, and how to get out of that loop, and the small things to do, to do that so that you can become more strategic. The next one is how to disappoint people and be okay with it. Again, really touches on aspects of people pleasing. And finally, workaholism is not a flex, my dear, please go listen to those three episodes to help you. So if you're stuck in that I can't even do all those things, go listen to those three episodes. Then start doing those things, come back here, and then start to think about how you're going to be more strategic about it, because each of this is going to slowly strengthen your sense of safety, choice and power. And I'm just going to say, if you want more help with this, and you try to swing in between a doormat and like shutting down emotionally, my corporate glow up program is where we build this muscle together. It's made for women like you, brilliant, burnt out and ready to do things differently. Show Notes has a link to my career, clarity call different to a discovery call, and I'm actually gonna go, maybe in a separate episode to explain that a little bit later, because this one's getting a little bit long, if you want to find out more about that, but my website has a frequently asked questions about it as well. Anyway, thank you for listening. Be powerful, please on your terms strategically, and I will see you in the next two weeks. Bye.