You’re Not Imagining It: Navigating Subtle Workplace Power Plays

Some power plays "sound" like concern. But if you’ve ever left a meeting second-guessing yourself—you’re not imagining it. Subtle power moves are real. Especially if you're neurodivergent and miss the subtext. 

In this episode:

•  What subtle power grabs really sound like in meetings
•  Why ND and empathetic women are more vulnerable to them
•  4 ways to respond without over-explaining or losing your cool
•  How to build discernment so you stop second-guessing and start owning the room

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⚠️ Disclaimer:   This podcast is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or psychological advice. Any stories, examples, or scenarios discussed are illustrative and may be composites or anonymised accounts. They do not refer to any specific individual, client, workplace, or organisation. 

Transcript

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Michelle Kevill: 0:37

Hello, my corporate survivalists, welcome to today's episode. So today we're going to dive into something that I think can seriously mess with your head in corporate and I am talking about those subtle moments when your authority is quietly getting questioned and you're wondering if that was some sort of power grab. So it might sound like this comment that came off was polite or even helpful, but maybe it's landing the wrong way with you, and maybe it comes off as like, just a gentle like, you know, checking in, or some sort of helpful suggestion or side comment, but it's making you do a double take, and you are immediately feeling a shift internally, like your leadership or judgment is being questioned, and look for today's episode on power grabs, right? It's not always intentional. Sometimes it is just a general comment. Sometimes it can just be someone else's anxiety or difficult discomfort seeping out, or sometimes it is a subtle way of reasserting social order and control, or sometimes it's just a passive, aggressive Power Play comment, but the impact is still the same. You start spiraling into self doubt over functioning or doing this emotional labor to try smooth it over. And we've all experienced it where maybe someone casually suggests, say, another way of doing something, and you've already explained it, it's wrapped up in niceness, but suddenly you're questioning yourself, like, do I clarify this? Do I defend it? Do I let it go? Was it actually meaning the way it was meant to come off? Am I reading into this? And that's the trap, especially if you are neurodivergent, because you either take things at face value and you default to assuming good intent, and that somewhat does protect you. But these moments can then, like, fly under the radar, or you go the opposite, and you overthink everything, but they still shape perception, like chip away at your confidence, and at the end of the day, it leaves you holding this emotional weight. So the goal of this episode is to help you develop sharper discernment for when someone is actually subtly undermining you and how to handle it, and discernment for those that don't know. It's just a fancy word for good judgment, or like self trust and self confidence in knowing that. Yep, this is what it is. My whole series and the episodes are tailored really around discernment, because that is the thing that I am seeing lacking within people I speak with and my clients. It's that ability to be like, Hey, this is what it actually is. So what we're going to cover is we're going to look at how to recognize subtle power moves, which can be particularly challenging if you're neurodivergent. So how to spot them, some practical strategies for neutral and confident responses in various workplace situations, and how to actually properly distinguish between like a genuine like. I'm going to give you example of a genuine clarification versus something that could be a more of a subtle dig. And then finally, techniques to leverage quiet confidence. Okay, so let's start a little bit around what is really going on with like power grabs, right? So look, in corporate life, the power dynamics that train us often aren't very loud. They're sometimes very subtle. It could be a gentle suggestion, a kind seeming offer to help these moments might not look like control, but could feel like it like just something feels off about it, and it leaves you second guessing yourself or quietly trying to justify the decisions you've already made. Now for Neuro my neurodivergent friends, it's especially easy to miss these cues, because you may take things literally or just assume good intent, which does feel safe however, it also means you may trust people who don't have your best interests at heart, and that's where emotional traps happen, and you may Find yourself managing someone else's discomfort over functioning or softening your stance, and you're not even realizing it, because here's the thing that I want to clarify, right? Most people aren't malicious, right? They're not these villains, okay? They're not always going to be a covert narcissist playing a long game. Taken from my whole you know, boundaries broken series, right? They may simply be uncomfortable when you don't follow a certain unspoken social rule, and that discomfort can leak out as a joke, a vague suggestion or performative concern. It's not necessarily good or bad, it's just that some of this is unconscious, and sometimes it genuinely may mean absolutely nothing at all. So this isn't about paranoia. What I'm really trying to help you reinforce is not just discernment, but what will inform that discernment is learning your own patterns and other people's patterns. So what makes you spiral? What triggers you? What game are you choosing to step into without even realizing? It. I want you to name it, not necessarily call it out, but you get to choose whether you play it, and then you move forward, grounded and intentional. So how do you spot some of these subtle power plays? Right? Because these interactions do not come with like a flashing red light. They sound possibly like concern, politeness or checking in. But can sometimes just this gut feeling, it feels like a Jap So, for example, it could be something like that's really brave, like most people would have double checked that first. It could be a subtle dig at your decisiveness disguised as price. Or I'll take it from here. You probably have much more things, strategic things to focus on, again, framed as flattery, but it's removing you subtly from influence or any decision making or Wow, that's a really confident stance. Are you sure leadership, stakeholder, whatever will be aligned with that undermining your authority by suggesting you've misread the power dynamic. And sometimes these pop up in meetings or one on ones or whatever, as like, these little side comments or remarks. It may sound like a little throwaway line or even a joke, but the problem is, it can sometimes plant a seed that you are possibly like you know exactly what I'm saying, less committed, less serious, undermining your authority. And these moments, they shape perception, and can quietly shift how others view your role and credibility. If you're neurodivergent, you may just take this interaction at face value, like, Oh, they're just being helpful. They're being, you know, trying to support me, or being literal. But maybe deep down your body, it might tighten, it might feel unsettled, like something doesn't quite add up. And so you, for example, you might ask some clarifying questions. So when someone else questions you like, you just assume they're doing the same thing as you like. You're just taking it at face value, and you keep moving on, right? And ironically, this actually does protect you from a lot of the subtle political power games that go on, because you're not wasting any time decoding emotional tome or wondering if that was a dig. You're responding neutrally, and you keep it moving. But sometimes when people aren't getting the emotional validation or social compliance that they used to, they may escalate. So what started as a vague comment is now turning into a pattern, and if you're also highly empathetic, this is where it can start to erode your confidence, and you can start to spiral. And you're wondering if maybe they're right, you may start then giving into their game. You start over, explaining, softening, reassuring, and you start reacting. That's why the most important thing necessarily isn't figuring out whether they're being manipulative or not. It's actually noticing how you feel in that moment and choosing how you want to respond. That is where your power lies, and if we take a little bit from a coaching lens, this kind of comes off the concept around how everything is neutral until you apply a thought to it. So really, what is mattering sometimes, is the meaning you assign to the interaction, even if it throws you into self doubt or emotional labor, etc. But if you're staying neutral, clear, grounded, you are. Now for some of you, you might be thinking, wait, I say these things and I mean them at face value. And honestly, it's not a bad it's not a bad thing, especially for direct people. Sometimes the comments you get are just at face value. But the work isn't actually noticing the difference. It's really where. It's like, when something doesn't sit right in your body, even if your brain wants to pass brush past it. It's about acknowledging like this instinct within you without spiraling or overeating into everything that is true discernment, and that is what I want you to lean into more and the more confidently you do, you better able you you will be able to handle and navigate power dynamics without burning out. So this is something you can do in some of those moments. Or afterwards, you can ask yourself these four questions. You can ask yourself after a side comment, do I feel confused? Did that comment make me second guess myself or hesitate? Do I now feel the urge or to justify, clarify something that already made sense. And the most key one is, is this a pattern? Has this happened more than once with this person? The key thing around discernment is really reflection. It's reflecting on those moments when you were over explaining, etc and stuff like that, and it's looking at how you want to respond next time. Okay, before we get into the rest of it, I want to pause and I want to touch a little bit on the coaching comment I made around neutrality. Okay? Because there that is, that concept is a double edged sword. And I know I was just talking about it then as well. Because if, especially if you've done any mind. That or coaching work, you may have heard the following, and I've said this all the time, even in my previous episodes, like everything is neutral, as in, like a circumstance, like a situation happening to you, until you assign a thought to it, right? Like you are assigning meaning to the thing that is happening. And that does give you a level of control and an ability to decide, how do I want to think and act moving forward, and yes, it's a very powerful tool. It helps you regulate your emotions, reclaim your calm, and you're not getting pulled into these reactive loops. Here is the problem, or using that type of thinking all the time, because in corporate if you take everything as neutral and you never observe the patterns, you risk stepping out of the corporate game entirely. You become so focused on self regulation that you actually ignore real power dynamics that can be happening if you give everyone the benefit of a doubt. And you know sometimes, without meaning to you become socially blind to possibly how your credibility is being shaped. So this isn't again, about paranoia. This is about building discernment. So yes, check in with your thoughts. Use coaching tools to ground yourself. But then again, it's those questions I was saying before. Is this a one off? Is this a pattern? Is this person constantly undermining me, like, what have they been saying? Am I always the one softening, explaining or shrinking. It's not even necessarily about calling them out. It's about calling yourself back into the game, like seeing the pieces on a chess board and you are going to now play it on your terms. So it's where mindset work meets strategy, and that's what my whole, you know, corporate glow up program, which is my six month coaching program. Like this is the stuff that we we do, but it's really about neutrality. Creates space for you to get separation from all your thoughts and feelings and all the drama, but this discernment that is what moves you forward, and it is so important, and it's such a difference to the corporate Survival Guide versus the episodes that I was doing previously. Those episodes were absolutely fantastic, and I still value them, and they are still helpful, and it got me out of a space of basically, like overworking and like crying in between meetings, and I wanted to share that with other people. And then, because I was able to do that, then I was able to step into this stuff, which is, oh my god, now I'm seeing a pattern. Now I'm seeing office politics, now that I am much more regulated. How do I play the game? So that I can move projects forward, so they can keep my credibility, manage difficult stakeholders move up in my promotion. And the problem is the double edged sword with the coaching tools is that's like, everything's neutral, blah, blah, blah, and like, yes, that is good for you to regulate yourself, but it is not good when it comes to looking at office politics, like, you need a little bit of a blend of both. Is what I have found. And it was worked for me. It has worked for my clients. It is what I share here. Because you don't want to go on either side. You don't want to go on like, you know, you're just it's like The Hunger Games of the corporate world, and it's like everything is political, and then you don't want to go into the opposite end of like, everything is absolutely neutral as well. Okay, now that I've given you my massive spiel on coaching and neutrality and all that, I want to show you how to actually respond when you're actually getting what I'm going to call and term now as emotionally baited, right, like this power grab this side comment is happening here. You know, maybe it's a dig wrapped in a joke, a vague suggestion, but it feels Janet challenging or smug. It just doesn't sit right with you. And again, it comes back to your energy, not theirs. And this is where coaching can be helpful, because the like working out your thoughts, how it makes you feel, what you do from it is helpful in seeing the patterns that you do in reaction to this. Because your instinct might be, I need to jump in. I need to explain myself. You might not want to smooth things over and like an emotional labor reflex instead of staying neutral, short and clear. So I'm going to give you four tools that you can actually start using now. The first one is the absolute power of pausing. So when someone says something that catches you off guard. Your instinct may be to just jump straight in, explain, defend, emotionally react. That can be bait instead, pause, let it sit. It will feel awkward at first, but the silence is powerful one. It gives you the space to recollect yourself, but it also throws them off their rhythm, because I guarantee you, they will then start to keep explaining their stuff as well. They people want to fill in the gaps of the silence, and whilst they're doing that, you get more information, but you're also able to regulate yourself and calm down in that moment. The second tool is, I want you to use an even tone. And stay as grounded as possible. Even is not about being cold. You know you don't need to sound like a robot. You just need to sound like you're not rattled, right? Speak calmly, no emotional highs or lows that is signaling to them steadiness and it makes it harder for others to poke holes in your credibility. You might be sitting there thinking, What the hell, Michelle, this is so subtle, if you are acting back, if you're acting into their game and their pattern, emotionally reactive, right? That that evidence, even on like a subconscious level, so to speak, that is coming out. But if you, regardless of how they're reacting, and just, yep, you know, neutral, whatever, like, as grounded as possible. There's not too much to go off. And it's also information for them, because it's like a three year old poking you, like they're only poking you because they want to get a reaction out of you. But if you are just like calm, and you're not giving them that energy, whether they're purposely being manipulative, or it's like all of this is like subconscious they will start to back off over time. The third tool is like a very gentle redirection back to the fact, for example, if someone keeps trying to push their idea or subtly twist your words or question a decision that you've already like, it's been clarified the RE, you know, with the group. Don't rehash it. Do not try to over explain, okay, and like, I have episodes that touch on why you do this, because over explaining people pleasing may have kept you safe when you were dealing with like your parents and where it was, like, emotionally volatile. But it doesn't work here it is just gently redirecting back to the facts, you know, like, that's already been covered. I've explained the rationale. Let's keep moving on. You don't even, you can even add a little bit more, like, um, flavor to it, like, that's a really great suggestion, and blah, blah, blah, right? Again, you're not dismissing them. Okay, it might feel that way, but you're not. You're choosing to not repeat the same loop, because this is where it gets really important, where I want you to reflect on like these, you know, patterns. I want you to notice them and see what's playing out, how you're reacting to it, etc. Because it turns into a loop. It's like this, back and forth. The fourth tool is to hold your ground out matching their energy. And I think I mentioned this before. It's a kid poking you for attention. If you respond every time the game continues, but if you still stay calm, they do eventually stop. Holding your ground is really just about showing you cannot be switched up. That comment did not affect you. You don't have to manage, like match their intensity to beat them, so to speak. You just have to show that you I'm not playing into this. And when you show that you're not easily rattled, the power dynamic does start to shift quietly, steadily, and it isn't entirely on your terms, okay? And now what I want to do is I want to bring it all together, and I want to run through some examples, right? So these are actually taken from some of my clients. Okay, I'll give you some of the context. I'm going to show you what the actual subtle dig was, and I'm going to show you a response that you may say, from a place of insecurity or people pleasing, versus a grounded response to that subtle power grab, and what a power grab versus someone like with genuine concern for you actually sounds like, and what it can be framed as I'm doing this as well, because if I also had this many years ago, especially if you're neurodivergent, some of the things, The digs, you'll look into it and you'll be like, but that just sounds like a normal question. So with all that knowledge put together, I want to showcase for you what that could look like to help build your own discernment. Okay, so the first example, maybe you've shared a clear, you know, neutral update on something, maybe you should share some screenshots to help resolve an issue and keep everyone informed, right? Like your goal is clarity and transparency. Your aim is to not call anyone out, and you've been really professional about it, right? So someone who's maybe giving you a subtle power grab or dig might say something like, Wow, you really went all out with screenshots. A bit much, don't you think so? A little bit of humor possibly under that. Because again, we'd want to, you know, it would also be about who this person is, if they said it to you, versus messaged you. But it's trying to reflame your clarity as excessive and implying that you're performative or trying to place blame someone else. So the default response that they may get in return, or are possibly expecting, likely subconsciously, is something like, oh, sorry. Like, I wasn't sure if everyone had, like, the full context, like, maybe I should turn it down. And what you're doing by saying that is you are signaling your self doubt and your. Validating their discomfort over your clarity versus something more grounded. Might be in response to that might be something like, huh, fair, I just wanted to make sure that we were all aligned like it's casual but confident it doesn't clap your intention and it's vague enough to not completely like you're not going straight into like, defensiveness or aggression. It's just like a quick comment. And now I want to tell you what this subtle dig might actually sound like. If it was genuine concern. It could be that they say to you, like, one on one in a message, like, hey, was there something I missed? I'm just curious to like, what prompted all the extra detail? Just want to get a better understanding. Like, and also noting is a tone open, you know, it's private, invites context, not judgment, so you can see the difference between all of that, including the responses. So maybe you've handled something really well, but you are working remotely, right? And someone might decide to link your capability to being, like, absent from the office, for example, a subtle dig might be something like, yeah, you're across it. I guess that's a benefit of you like not being in the office as much. So it's undermining your capability by framing your presence in the office as circumstantial, rather than, like, actually earned, as in, like, yeah? Like, well, you get to work from home. So a default response that's a bit more insecure might be something like, Haha, yeah, I guess I just try to stay on top of things when I can. Maybe I had more time this week. Like, it's accepting their framing, and it's minimizing your own consistency, right? But a grounded response. You're not even entertaining the whole like, office, whatever thing you're just like, Yeah, I just, I just make it a priority to stay across things regardless of where I'm working. Like, it's neutral, confident. Reframes your success as intentional, not circumstantial, brings it way back to the front, like, like, back to like, you know, I'm not giving into this. I'm right here. We're moving forward. And you can see the difference in tone, because I want to emphasize that as well. One is more like this anxiousness seeping out. The other is, like, didn't bother me. What you just said, like, I just, here's my statement back. So if it was like, genuine concern, right? Or, like, genuine curiosity. In this case, someone could come to you one on one and just say, hey, like, I feel like I'm always losing track when I'm working remotely or in the office. Like, how are you managing all of this? Like, so much by working from home. Like the tone is curious, it's reflective. It's not like diminishing you. Now for some of you, might be so obvious. Like, of course, this is a power grab. But I'm telling you right now through my clients and myself, some of them are like, that's not a power grab. That's just a genuine question, and that's what I mean. It comes down to just how long you've either been in corporate, what you've been exposed to, what you've experienced. And the key thing to note as part of this is patents, and we'll go into that in a little minute. The final example I want to give you is another example where, say you've taken the initiative to make like, you know, make a call like it aligns with the team goals or prior direction, and then someone decides to question your judgment, but they're cloaking it using protective language, so something like a power grab or a dig might be like, just checking. Was that like, run past leadership? I just hate for you to be exposed like it appears caring, but it really is a subtle authority check, and it's framing your decision as like risky or possibly naive. A default insecure response could be something like, oh, well, I assumed it was okay. Maybe I should double check with them, just in case. Like, it's inviting second guessing and repositioning you as, like, needing approval, versus something more grounded might be like, Yep, thank you for letting me know. That's good point. It is aligned, and what we thought we've discussed, let me know if you're seeing something different, like, again, the tone is still open. You're still open to the fact that it could be off, but you're not giving up your power. You're not surrendering your authority. You're like, Yep, you're confident in your own decision, whereas someone with genuine concern around like, you know the fear of you being exposed might be again, one on one private message, something like, Hey, is like, leadership, like, across this yet, like, like, I just want to flag just in case. Like, all, like, it would be more specific. I feel like, Hey, did you run so and so by this? Because they had this point on this, I just want to make sure, just in case later on, like, the toner is implying, like, shared ownership. It's not finger pointing. It's like genuine concern or care, versus something like a subtle comment like this, that's kind of just like, raised in like, maybe even in like, a more of a group setting. Okay, so before we wrap up, I just want to talk about the fact that, like, not every side comment is going to be a power play. Okay, not every single moment needs to be dissected. This isn't about reading into every. Thing and becoming super hyper vigilant. It's more about noticing patterns. When something feels off more than once, this is what will build your discernment when you keep shrinking around a certain person, or when the same dynamic keeps playing out over and over, your thoughts and perceptions of people can change and they should and then like that's part of building judgment and discernment. So when you notice this month might be different to next month or quarter, it's like this isn't about locking someone into a box and making it very black and white. It's just about getting better at recognizing your gut and acting from your values. Okay? And if you want to go a little bit deeper on this and how it fits into the broader like workplace landscape, I'd strongly recommend checking out my two part series around office politics and playing the corporate game that I talk more about influence, trust and how to play the long game without losing yourself or your authenticity. Okay, to wrap up, subtle power plays and grabs are real, but they don't always come with bad intentions. Again, they're not like super villains twirling their mustaches trying to ruin you however. It can drain you. If you are not aware and picking up on how you respond, you do not have to be decoding every single goddamn comment, but trust your instincts when something feels off, remember respond with neutrality and calmness that is going to be much more powerful than defensiveness and over explaining. Also, remember to pause. Also, note that your neurodivergence can help you actually stay out of drama by taking things at face value. But again, if something is feeling off, that is your cue to slow down, start to reflect notice patterns and start to build discernment through how you respond with some of the tools that I shared before. So I would ask yourself, where in this week, did you feel that you were shrinking in response to a subtle comment, and how would it feel to hold your ground next time? Like, what would you need to do? Would it be using fewer words or, like, a little bit of less emotional labor, like over explaining? And if you find even doing that, like some of the examples I gave with the grounded response, or pausing or staying calm, holding the line, if that feels absolutely impossible for you know that that is not just necessarily a confidence issue. It often points to a deeper root belief that is maybe that your worth is tied to keeping the peace, being liked or avoiding discomfort that is your nervous system literally being like, No, I do not want to die. So if that is resonating, then I would strongly recommend these top three episodes to go check out, which will explain a lot of how to work through those feelings and work with your body versus against you. So the first one is people pleasing and how to stop the second one is how smart women give away their I'll give their power away. That was one of my most recent episodes. And another one is called, Are you hiding the wooden spoon? How trauma impacts your career? This is really going to take an in depth look at where you actually learnt some of these behaviors that you might be replaying in the workplace, and how to become more aware of them, because it's going to give you even more language and tools to support this next phase of your career and leadership. And if you want more of this straight to your inbox, I'm talking about no BS, corporate, robotic, fluffy crap, I mean real stuff that is teaching you how to play the game, then subscribe to my email and find me anywhere on Instagram, Tiktok, I'm all over the web. Anyway, I'll see you in the next two weeks.