When Support Turns Toxic: How to Spot a Toxic Mentor

Some mentorship builds your confidence. Some just builds your dependence.

In this episode, we unpack how “support” can subtly shift into control—and what real mentorship actually looks like. You’ll learn:

• How to spot manipulative mentorship (even when it starts off supportive)
•  What red flags to listen for behind the praise
•  Why your independence might trigger their insecurity
•  How to rebuild trust in yourself and your next move

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⚠️ Disclaimer:   This podcast is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or psychological advice. Any stories, examples, or scenarios discussed are illustrative and may be composites or anonymised accounts. They do not refer to any specific individual, client, workplace, or organisation. 

Transcript

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Michelle Kevill: 0:37

Hello, my corporate survivalists. Welcome back. So today's episode is for any woman who's ever thought I don't even know what, like, good support or a good mentor looks like, or I thought they were helping me, and now they're not. Or everyone says I need a mentor or a sponsor, but like, how the hell do I find one and actually, like, trust them? Like, let me be blunt, just because someone is giving you attention or helping you doesn't necessarily mean they will always have your best interests at heart. And just because someone says, like, I believe in you doesn't mean they may actually want you to grow. In fact, for high achieving women, there are some people who seek proximity to your light so they can control it or dim it or use it to reflect themselves. And if you're someone who's had to rely on yourself for most of your career, you might not even realize what healthy support looks like. It's not just someone giving you advice or throwing opportunities away your way. It's about the quality of that support, what it costs, what it fuels, and whether it's leaving you stronger or smaller. So this episode, in part, has come out of the feedback versus manipulation episode, and I believe I have renamed it something else, but that is where we pulled apart what helpful feedback actually looks like, versus to stay feedback that ultimately destabilize you. And what we're doing is just taking a step back, and we're looking at a whole overall dynamic, looking at mentorship, not just as like one on one, but like the wider system that it's shaped in, like looking at who benefits from certain kinds of support, who is protected and who is undermined? Because the challenge is, mentorship isn't always a gift, sometimes it's actually a disguise. And this also in part, comes from what we touched on in my broken boundary series on grooming and covert power plays in the workplace. So today, what I actually want to touch on is what a healthy mentorship really looks like. Because if you've only ever known a level of manipulation, it can actually be much harder to tell when you're being guided versus when you're possibly being groomed, or if there's just maybe some very subtle manipulation that's not even conscious to them at play, which is making you question yourself and making you start to spiral. So the goal of this episode is to help you spot the difference between someone who's invested in your growth and someone who may be invested in your dependence or downfall. So whether you've never had a great manager or you've been burned by someone who did say, I believe in you, but ended up undermining you. This episode is going to give you a grounded framework for identifying a healthy mentorship, building your personal support circle, and also staying safe in the process. Now, if this episode is hitting a little close to home, I would start and recommend you download my free workplace grooming. If this episode is hitting a little close to home, including some of the things I am saying, I would strongly recommend downloading my free workplace grooming and checklist guide, so it's going to help walk you through some common manipulation tactics, including red flags that do commonly get missed, and help you rebuild your confidence. So head to my show notes, or anywhere I'm online to download that. Okay, so this is what we're going to cover today. We're going to look at why you may have never experienced good mentorship. Six signs to spot real mentorship. And the key one to always watch out for, some additional red flags to watch out for, even if they look like they're caring how to build a strong network of women and allies around you and people that align with your values, and what to do if you're starting over, if you have been burned in the past and you're afraid to trust again, what should you do next? Okay, so let's start with this look, if you've never experienced real mentorship. It's not necessarily because something is wrong with you. It is likely because the environments you've been in never made it safe or possible for mentorship to exist in a healthy way. Many women grow up learning to seek approval from authority figures, whilst also being taught that independence is threatening, so you combine that with corporate cultures that typically in the past, have rewarded loyalty over growth and obedience over curiosity, suddenly mentorship can become a tool for control, not empowerment. We're also conditioned to believe that we should be grateful for any attention or guidance we get, especially if it comes from someone more senior. So even when the guidance feels off, we may override our gut instincts in order to maintain that connection. And for many high achieving women, especially those who've had to figure it out all alone the i. Fear of receiving mentorship can feel a little bit foreign and almost indulgent. You might even default to the hyper independence thinking of, I'm just going to do it all myself, and yet, ironically, you also might swing hard the other way and cling tightly to one person's advice and over invest in their approval and out your source your decisions to them, because you're so desperate to fall some solid ground, and it's nice to have that. It then can become an exhausting pendulum of either I do this all alone or I hand the wheel entirely to someone else. But both of this can take you off course entirely, and that's why it's worth naming like if you've never experienced a healthy mentorship, it's not necessarily because you're broken. I think it's because we've been operating in a broken system for a while that's still evolving and rebuilding. Long winded way of me saying it's not you. So how do you spot real mentorship then? Because let's get into the core difference. A healthy mentor is going to be invested in your development, but a toxic one will be invested in your dependence. Healthy mentors want you to grow, even if it means outgrowing the space that they once held, or even their level. They will encourage your independence, your questions and your agency. Their goal isn't to keep you close. It's to help you expand, but manipulative mentors, on the other hand, may often blur the lines between care and control. They may appear generous and attentive, but underneath there may see may be some subtext of you need me now. I want to take you through six clear examples of what a healthy versus harmful mentorship will look like. So the first one is a healthy mentorship or a mentor is going to help you think critically. So maybe after a difficult stakeholder meeting, they're going to ask something like, how did you feel that went? What could you change next time they want you to develop your own thinking, whereas a harmful mentorship may actually tell you what to think. She like, they might say, she can be a bit tricky to manage. I've dealt with her before, you know, just stick with what we've discussed. Another example, healthy mentorship is going to help build your judgment by asking questions instead of, you know, do it this way. They may say, Well, what's your instinct here? What's making you hesitate? Like, what's your Vu? How would you tackle this? And then they will layer on their own view or perspective or strategic thinking, but they're helping you try to build that whereas harmful mentorship is likely going to dismiss your concerns or your feelings around that judgment or question. So you might raise a concern, and they might be like, I've already flagged that with the right people, like it's not best to complicate things further. On your end, like it's not getting you to again. On the theme here of thinking critically, it's more just agree with me, another example is a healthy mentorship. They're going to celebrate your independence like you take on a project without them. And they say, you know, I love that you ran with this, and you kept going like you didn't need me to guide you for every step, but a harmful mentorship is actually going to make you feel guilty for being independent, like you make a decision without them, and they may be saying things well, I just wish you involved me earlier, like, you know, I always have your back. Because, again, the key thing here is independent like building your independence versus building your dependency, right? So a healthy mentor will really love that. Hey, look at you like you're taking this thing on. You involved me, you know, in the right part, they may give you some critical feedback, like, hey, may have been better if you you know, pulled me up here. So this thing where it happened, but the key thing here is around guilt, right? If the person is making you feel guilty, even subtly, for being independent, that is the key difference between a healthy and unhealthy mentorship. The next one is a healthy mentorship, a person is going to give you credit for where it is due. So in a meeting with senior leaders, you know, they're going to say that idea came from X. She drove the whole thing. You know, it may mention how like they guided you, but the due credit is for you, but a harmful mentorship is where they're going to take credit for your ideas. So in a leadership meeting, they may present your idea without credit, but then later they say that you helped get it across the line. So they'll subtly frame your win as this, and they'll keep your name quiet when it counts. Again, that is where they are leveraging your dependency versus independence, and then your skills, or whatever it's it's everything is flowing through them. Another example, again, healthy mentorship. They're going to give you feedback that supports your growth, right? So, and I've talked about this before in my feedback episode, go after this. Have a listen to it, right? So they might say something like, in your deck, your message was strong, but if you slowed down the delivery here, then I think you would have land even more powerfully for these reasons. It's objective feedback, whereas a harmful mentor is going. To use a vague or destabilizing feedback like, you know, the presentation was fine, but something about your tone just didn't sit right. It's vague. It's not like it's like an off vibe that's not specific. It's not directly related to what you actually did. It's not feedback that's properly guiding you. It's more just like generalized and listen to again, listen to that episode on feedback, on how to work out what's like, good and bad feedback, because that will really help you. But yes, one is destabilizing, the other is going to support your growth, and the next and final one is a healthy mentor is going to support your goals, even if it means you move on or above them. So when you talk about applying for a new role, like they will cheer you on, rather than get weird or possessive about like, losing you right, whereas an unhealthy mentorship might be upset that they, you know they they want to keep you close by, and they may feed your self doubt, for example, like, I'd be careful about applying for that role. Like, people aren't sure you're ready for this. Or, like, that area is terrible. So the difference is, one is gonna be more Hey, like, this is, you know, a great opportunity, etc. They may give their thoughts on where you're at, but again, it's coming from an objective standpoint. Like, hey, this is where I think you might challenge. You know, might find challenges here in this role. Here's where I like sit, blah, blah, blah, I think you sit, but you know, feel, you know, feel it's your life, basically, like they're just there to guide you, whereas the other person is telling you what you should do and you should take it on. It feeds that self doubt. Like, that's a terrible role. Those people are crap there. You shouldn't be moving on. So the key thing is, real mentorship is going to feel calm, grounding and expansive. You will walk away fearing, feeling clearer, not more confused. You end up feeling more you, not more like them. You feel challenged, but in a way that builds your strength, not undermines your self worth. That being said, It is also worth noting that many mentorships can start out really healthy, and then over time, slowly become a little bit more manipulative and controlling. It's possible they genuinely believe in you at first, maybe the support was even real. But if it start, if you start to sense that, like they sorry, if they are sensing that you no longer need them, or you maybe might surpass them, the tone can shift subtly, suddenly, and then that support can start to turn into sabotage. Praise can become more passive aggressive, and your wins can get downplayed, or worse, rebranded as there. So if something that once felt safe now feels heavy or constricted, you're possibly not imagining it. Mentorship dynamics can evolved, and sometimes the other person on the other side isn't necessarily like aware that they're doing it like I talk about this a lot in the feedback episode, some of this is just subconscious stuff playing out and other people. But again, it's totally fine for you to use your gut and say, right, this isn't feeling right and and something made me need to change, which is why I want to touch on some red flags to watch out for, because we've looked at like, you know, just really construct, construct, my God, like, really direct differences between, like, a healthy versus harmful mentorship, and what it can look like on clearer terms, but again, what if it starts off healthy and then shift because, again, this isn't always going to be intentional malicious. It can just sometimes come from a place of insecurity, all right, when a mentor fears like being left behind or that they're not good enough, or people don't need them, that can seep into how they're supporting you. They may gently undermine the value of a new opportunity. Question, if a different team is really a step up, make it sound like they're protecting you, when really they're protecting their their own role in your story. And this is when things get tricky. The change can be slow, the tone is warm, but your clarity starts to get clouded. And the like the challenge is it's hard to watch out for because it starts off good, and then it can start to slowly change. That trust has already been built. So then let's talk about some red flags to watch out for, especially when the support like once lifted you and now can feel like it's holding you back. So the first one and I talked about this before, they subtly discourage you for applying for new roles, often framing it as they are protecting you or you know, it's not just quite a right fit for you, and they may not have a valid reason as to why, again, that that objective feedback isn't there. They may speak poorly or dismissively about other teams or leaders that you show interest in working with, so they're planting doubt so that you stay in their orbit and that you're too scared to almost move on. They may give you vague warnings, like, just be careful with that group without clear reasons. Again, it makes you second guess opportunities that would grow your network or skill set. This is also, I would say, a key one, if you'll notice. And again, I talk about this as well in. In a lot of my office politics and my power grab episode, it's all about spotting patterns. It's not that every person that says, Watch out for so and so is like, yep, straight up. They're just trying to manipulate me. Just notice if there is a pattern of them saying the same thing for the same type of people, they also might get weird or cold when you spend too much time with other mentors or teams or like, bring it up. They may create a push, pull, dynamic, offering praise and warmth and you're more aligned with them, but then they may withdraw or become cold when you show more independence or a different viewpoint. They may give you confusing or contradicting feedback, and then they might say, you know, just trust me, as in, like, do not argue with me, and we talked about before with the six steps. Again, healthy mentorship. They want to build that discernment within you, versus unhealthy. It's more building dependency on them. You might notice you're being given extra attention or access, but again, it now is starting to feel performative or very emotionally loaded, and then you may start to feel that you're walking on eggshells to try not disappoint them again. These tactics aren't always malicious or even conscious, but they are still about control. And if your gut is saying something feels off, I want you to listen to it. Okay. Now we've gone through a little bit around unhealthy, you know, healthy and red flags. How do you build a strong network of women and allies? Right? Like again, maybe you have been burned before in the past, or maybe you're just realizing you want a different kind of support with less hierarchy and more honesty. Either way, this is going to help, because real mentorship isn't just about attaching yourself to the most powerful person in a room. It's actually about building a circle of people who challenge you reflect your values and expand what you think is possible. So I want you to start with this Like, who do you admire, not just for your title, for their title, but for how they lead. Who do you feel safe around? Who makes you think bigger by not making you feel smaller? That's the foundation of your men, of your network. And it's not going to be one perfect mentor. It's actually going to be a mix of humans who help you stay grounded, visible and whole. There is no one size fits all formula for mentorship, but there are a few rules that can help keep things clear and supportive from the start that I typically advise. So the first one is, look, it's totally fine for your manager to not be your mentor. Look, a manager is there to assess your performance, set goals and drive business outcomes, whereas a mentor is someone more who helps build your judgment, navigate challenges and grow long term. Yes, I know what you're thinking. These row roles can and they do overlap, like a great manager should be invested in your development, but because they're also so closely aligned to your day to day performance, it can sometimes be hard to get the full picture or feel if they're truly providing that objective support. I'm not saying it's not possible, but this is why it's always I feel helpful to have at least one or a few mentors outside from your direct reports, or even outside the company, who can just give you that second and honest opinion without all the other politics involved. So who do you look for that? Because here's the thing, you don't need one perfect mentor. You just need a mix of people who will support you in different ways. And here's what that could look like, right? So I break them down to four key things. One is the sponsor. All right? Now this person, again, I'm using some corporate terms here, but like, it's just someone who backs you in rooms that you're not there. So think of stakeholders, some student senior leaders. They're speaking your name where it matters. Next one is the peer right now. This is someone who just gets it all right. This person can gut check stuff with them. You can share some frustrations, and you can make sense of some of the office politics together. These people can be some of your colleagues. I think of people at the same level in different spaces that they work in. The next one is a guide. So this is someone that is more experienced, and they're they've been where you're heading, all right. They're going to help you zoom out, see patterns and grow strategically. But I also think that they're going to sit a little bit again outside of your area, but they're in the same direction that you want to move into. And the next one is the anchor. This is someone who reminds you who you are when things get noisy. Yes, this can be like a peer, so a trusted colleague, but think of like a good friend, even a coach or a therapist. They are your emotional compass. Okay, so how do you actually do this? Because I want to be clear, this will have to be some formal, awkward like, will you be my mentor? Thing? I actually think one of, like, the best mentorships Don't even start this way. I just want you to look for people you connect with, right ask for a catch up, pick their brain on something. Follow. Follow up, share how their advice helped. Like, I want you to keep it natural and align to what mentorship actually is. It's just shared growth, good questions and honest reflection. The goal is not to sign someone up for life. It's to build a like a real relationship that helps you stay grounded and expand your thinking and you feel less alone in your career. It's really just a friendship, but think of it a little bit more strategic. You're not forcing anything, but yet you are being intentional. You're drawing to someone's energy or thinking so. But I want you to build that relationship naturally. That is not fake or manipulative, it's smart. And if you're already curious about how someone let a project or make a decision, like, ask, start there, bounce ideas, let that relationship or mentorship start to evolve from a genuine connection, not like this fake thing that I was talking about before. It's like, mentally, like, I have to find a mentor. No, I just want you to find people that you connect with, and have those four things that I said to look for in the back of your mind, when you're looking for those types of people, and then just start to naturally build that connection like you would anyone else. You don't have to, like, go in there super formally. Just, you know, you worked on a project together. Hey, how did you find this thing? Blah, blah, blah. Like, just start from there and slowly build up. Okay, so if you have been burned before in the past, like, maybe you had a mentor that's ended up holding you back, or use their success to prop up their own, which I hear all the time from my clients and other people that are like my audience, that I speak with, like, hey, this person was helping me, and they were just like, taking my ideas. You might be left wondering, how do I ever trust anyone ever again, or more than that, really like when someone says that to me, the real question actually is, how do I trust myself to spot the difference next time? Because this isn't about going back to how things were. It's about learning how to real build from a place of self, trust or discernment. The theme for every episode. So here's what I would recommend you start with. I just want you to acknowledge what has happened in the past with like other mentors or like previous people, right? Not in a shame spiral way, but with honesty, like you were open and someone misused that. That's why I was saying that you're operating at times in a broken system that has traditionally rewarded these types of behaviors, right? I then want you to reflect on your cues. What moments made you hesitate, what did your gut whisper that you ignored? Again, not about blame, rather gathering intel for the future of what to discern like again, you're building that discernment like those six examples that I gave you of what healthy and unhealthy mentorship looks like. I then want you to start reconnecting with what safety does feel like. Think of colleagues, friends or past mentors that made you feel clear and steady, who let you disagree without fear, who gave something without strings attached. The next thing is to start small. Okay, don't rush out to find the next person to guide you. Take your time. The relationship builds through curiosity and urgency. Remember, trust is built in layers. It doesn't come from one big gesture. It just comes from repeated moments where you feel seen, safe and respected, and I want you to give yourself credit. Look, realizing something was off, even after the fact something happened, is a sign of growth, like you're not back at square one, you're building forward with much better tools. Rebuilding trust isn't about becoming like, closed off. It's about learning how to be open and discerning. Yay. You're allowed to want support, but you just don't have to, like, completely lose yourself in that process. And it's only fine for mentorship. Start off good, and then it starts to change again. It's noticing some of those glad, those flags, those things in your gut, and listening to them and learning from that. So wrap up. If you've never had real mentorship, it is not because you are broken. It's likely because no one ever showed you what it should look like, and you've operated in a typically a broken system. Real support strengthens your independence, not your dependence. Great mentors are going to help you sound more like yourself, not a version of them. You don't just need one person. I think. You need a circle. You need sponsors, peers, guides and anchors, right, a whole variety of people. And again, let the relationship naturally flow. It does not have to be a thing to, like, find a mentor. It's like, think of it as, like, building a network of people or building friends. But again, you're just applying that strategic layer. Whenever I hear network now, all I think of, oh, network is building a set of friends, but slightly more strategic, like, that's just that. And we named it network in corporate land. And if you've ever had a harmful experience in the past, again, this doesn't define you, right? You can absolutely, really build trust and. Create safety and a stronger support system. Moving forward, you deserve mentorship that doesn't confuse you, control you, or cost yourself trust, all right, and you can find that so again, if today's episode resonated with you, or even the stuff around like my broken boundaries and the grooming and all of that, I strongly suggest start by downloading my workplace grooming and checklist guide. It's free and packed with real world examples and a checklist actually, that like helps you in the moment to figure out where you are at, because it's going to help you identify toxic patterns and like start reclaiming your power. So head to my show notes, Instagram, Tiktok, my website. You can find it wherever. All right, I'll see you in the next two weeks.