Are You Overcompensating for Motherhood at Work?

You were told to work like you don’t have kids—and parent like you don’t have a job. But no matter how much you over-deliver, the guilt doesn’t go away. And that’s not on you.

In this episode, we unpack the invisible rules that make high-achieving mums feel like they have to overcompensate just to stay respected—and how to stop playing that game.

🎧 In this episode:

•  Why mum guilt runs so deep in corporate culture
•  How overworking reinforces the very bias you're trying to outrun
•  The problem with “flexibility” that still punishes visibility
•  What to do instead—especially if you’re ND or emotionally wired for guilt

You don’t need to do more. You need to stop apologising.

🛠️ Download the free Spot Workplace Grooming (Free Guide + Checklist) here.

 👀 Want the manual for figuring out WTF people actually mean at work? Get How to Read the Room – Your ND Corporate Playbook here. 

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⚠️ Disclaimer:   This podcast is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or psychological advice. Any stories, examples, or scenarios discussed are illustrative and may be composites or anonymised accounts. They do not refer to any specific individual, client, workplace, or organisation. 

Transcript

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Michelle Kevill: 0:37

Hello, my corporate survivalists. I hope you're well today, when I'm recording this, it is winter in Australia here. I absolutely hate winter, but it's actually quite a nice sunny afternoon while I am recording some of these episodes. Today is such an important one I have spoken on this briefly in an episode I did quite a few years ago to just look up in my podcast list around feminism, but this one I really wanted to tackle so deeply, and this is for anyone who is currently a working mother, especially if you are a new mother entering back into the workforce. Because let me write you up a scene that I've heard before from so many of my clients and so many of my colleagues and people that I've known throughout my life, right? So you're on an online meeting, right? You've got a packed agenda. You are going through the talking points. You're pulling everyone together, and then all of a sudden, your toddler walks into the room. Let's face it, they're not walking to the room. They're running into the room. And then there's a little voice and a little hand reaching up. They might want to snack, maybe they want to cuddle. Maybe they just want to know where you went, and without missing a beat, like, you know, quickly flick off your camera, hit mute, try to sort out your kid, and you come back online and you are apologizing. You're like, sorry, it's my kid, and I feel like this is such a common moment that happens for, you know, whether you're a mother or father or even if you have pets, like, sometimes interruptions happen, right? And I would say to everyone else, on the surface, it looks like nothing. It's just a quick reset, you know, just so you can, you know, do what you need to do, and you keep the meeting going, but let's take a deep dive into what you're actually feeling underneath all that, right? Like the meeting ends and suddenly you feel a little bit icky, like something is a little bit off. You feel bad for over explaining because it's your kid, but you also feel a little bit unprofessional, and that ick you're feeling that is your body picking up on something that your brain hasn't really had the words yet. For maybe part of you feels a little bit less professional, but deep down, you know that's not true, but you also feel like you're constantly trying to prove your professionalism in the workplace and stay ahead of some judgment that you are scared is going to come to light. So maybe you overcompensate. Maybe sometimes you're quite agreeable. You wish you had absolutely zero disruption, or at least zero visible needs. And all of this is push and pull, which is what I would say between I'm going to just say it professionalism and being a mother. This is being quietly fueled by a message that you have likely absorbed from society, that this part of your life, this part that makes you who you are, and which is just a part of it, being a mother doesn't belong in the workplace, because as a coach to women who have newly become mothers, and who are have small children already, and who are going throughout their career, this is what I have seen time and time again, high achieving women, women who pride themselves on being incredibly competent and professional often carry a quiet and Invisible shame around being a mother at work. So all that feminist fire about and all that talk about like bringing your whole self to work seems to vanish the second a child's face appears on the screen, and it's not because you are doing something wrong. I want to make this super clear. I'm not trying to call you out and drag you through the mud, right? I'm trying to get at the root of something that you've likely been feeling for a really long time, because you have been taught to believe that being a mother, or at least being a visible one, makes you less. And that belief didn't come out of thin air. You were taught it, shaped by it, promoted through it, and now you're surviving in a world that literally says will tolerate your motherhood just just don't make it visible. So again, this episode isn't to guilt or blame you, and it's not about fixing you. In this episode, I want to help you really see what's going on and give you the power to choose something different. I want to highlight this incongruency that I see in so many women when it comes to being a mother and needing to be perfect in all areas. In essence, I want to help you stop apologizing for existing and, God forbid, being a mother, because those two can exist. Because the goal of today's episode is I want to expose that internalized shame many corporate women carry about motherhood, especially in various professional spaces, and I want to help you reclaim your identity without the apology, not just as a mother or as a worker, but. But as a full, competent and powerful person that really combines this identity and absorbs it into who you are and owns it. So this is what we're going to cover today. I want to talk about why that mom guilt runs so deep, and how it is showing up at work. I want to touch on how overworking, whether it's conscious or subconscious, to prove yourself is actually holding you back. Why being the perfect mother and the perfect worker is actually a trap, and what you should be doing instead, also how to own your role and set clear boundaries without this mom guilt. Okay. Okay, so why does it run so deep, and how is it showing up at work? Because here's the thing, you're not imagining it right? Every time you felt like you've had to over over perform just to justify needing some flexibility, every time you've worked on a day off, so no one could say you weren't pulling your weight every time a flexible work option came also with the unspoken pressure to be constantly online. But again, don't actually cause any issues. You are navigating a system that really, let's be real. It's it's not, it wasn't originally built for working mothers. Okay, it's one that you're accepted to adapt without question. And again, the corporate world, I would say, is only just starting to catch up. Many women feel that they must over perform to earn the right to flexible work. Then let's add a layer of societal conditioning where choosing those options makes you feel like you're not doing enough. Well, guess what? No wonder the system wins. Flex arrangement exists, but if no one takes them, because again, deep down, we fear what it might say about us as women. Well, call me, you know, the tin foil hat conspiracy theorist here, but that's how I say the system wins okay, because you are being taught motherhood is tolerated but not respected. So of course, you being a like a mother and owning that and that being visible at work, it feels like a burden, and even when you tell yourself, like, but I choose this, like I chose to do this. Guess what? The struggle is still there, because choosing to become a mother does not cancel out the difficulty. In fact, society often treats the act of choosing it as almost the permission slip to never complain about it again. It's like if you signed up to do Mount Everest. And guess what? You just expected to submit silently, without asking for oxygen, and like never complain about it. But here is the truth, like choosing something hard doesn't make it any less hard. You can climb the mountain and still say it's exhausting. It is one of the weirdest things I've found about society. I have found that I can complain about uni work, whatever it is, and people will agree, but the minute anyone complains about being a mother or a parent or a child, it's all you chose to do that, and I'll get into why I believe that is. But here's the thing about shame, right? It doesn't just stay neatly tucked away, okay? It starts to leak out. So if you're constantly apologizing for a part of your life that deeply matters to you, that energy of you know, like I'm sorry I exist, like I'm sorry that I have children, that seeps into everything. So you might second guess yourself more in meetings. You might struggle to ask for flexibility without guilt, you may try to prove that you're still valuable by overworking, especially on those days off when you're meant to be with your kids like subconsciously, are you hoping others validate your worth because you don't feel it yourself? And this is not because you're weak. It is because you're operating under a double bind, right, because if you show up as a mum, you're seen as distracted, but if you hide that part of yourself, you also feel like a fraud. Owning your field identity is the first step in dismantling that. Like you don't need pity, you don't need to shrink yourself down, but you do need to own it, like I say to people, like a man would okay if you lead to leave at 3pm every second day to pick up your kid and like, that's the arrangement you've all got sorted out. Great. It's just, I need to leave every 3pm every second day to pick up my kid. That's it. No justification, no shame, just facts. Because let me tell you how overworking to prove yourself is actually holding you back. And I want to make this so clear, because this might be extremely triggering for some women who are going through this and have really mixed feelings about this, I want to make it clear this is not about blame. It is about noticing the thoughts and feelings that you are having so that you can consciously do the work to choose or like lean toward. Towards something different and being more self compassionate to yourself, Okay, like you might be possibly rejecting your own identity as a mother, if you feel bad for leaving early to pick up your kid, even though, again, you regularly stay back late or work extra to make up for it, or if that's the arrangement you have, or when you know crap hits a fan. You're sorting it out. You may feel embarrassed or flustered again when your child appears on a work call and rush to cover it up. You hide part of your family life from colleagues, possibly to appear more professional. And you might feel deep shame when parenting like just aspects of it affects your work, right? Like, I don't know, needing to pick up your sick kid, but almost no pride in the fact that being a parent, I honestly believe, especially your mother, is oh god, it makes you so much more resilient and empathetic. Because when you are subconsciously believing that your motherhood, you being a mother, is a flaw, you will subconsciously try to shrink it, including yourself. And here's the thing, the workplace will let you, because this one hits really, really hard, right? You don't have to stay ahead on your days off. You do not have to over function to prove that you're still confident. You do not have to feel guilty for not doing it all. But I know many of you do, and that is because deep down, you believe and that you need to make up for it, right? But here's the thing, that instinct within inside yourself, right? Like to do more, to work harder, to stay to stay later, to say yes to everything, in hopes that it will like finally prove your worth, or when you go to pick up your kid, you won't feel embarrassed or bad when you're walking out the office at 3pm but here's the thing, it's coming from a place of scarcity. It is coming from a place of please see me as enough. And it only fuels that cycle, because the feeling doesn't go away, and you end up burnt out, possibly behind and slowly leaking that very confidence that you are trying to build, and again, you're not broken. The expectation is, and no one taught you how to handle this as well, like society is just kind of like, Hey, you're a mother. Figure it out. Like, here's the truth. People are not looking down on you as much as you are looking down on yourself. It's that lack of internal validation which is driving that over overworking. Okay, I'm not saying slack off, but I am saying start with strong boundaries. First, set those expectations early. This is actually where I tell all my clients, especially when they're entering the workforce, and then start to adapt rationally, right? Like, can you be on call for emergencies? Sure. But do you need to be hovering over your team, you know, on messaging people, etc, with this thing that's happening while still watching bluey with your toddler? Probably not. And again, because it's not about shame, it's about discernment. But when you have all these thoughts and feelings of like, I'm embarrassed about this part of my life, like I need to prove myself, I don't want to be behind, etc, you, it starts to seep in, and you're trying to do actions to make yourself feel better, thinking that you'll feel confident from that. But it's not about that. It's not about looking externally. It's about looking internally and saying, Well, what do I think about motherhood right now? What do I think about my own identity, along with motherhood in the professional workforce? Like, what is the real thought behind that? Right? Because what I tell everyone is like, you don't need pity, okay? You don't need other people just say, Oh no, don't worry about it. It is totally fine for you to, like, almost like a permission slip from every other colleague in the world, to be allowed to leave early or whatever. All right, you don't need to prove anything. You just need to state the facts and own them like men do every day, like I leave at 3pm every second day to pick up my kid again. That's it. End of story. No nervous laughter, no disclaimer. You are not a burden for living a full human life. And this kind of clarity doesn't just serve you. It kind of anchors you around it too, and it resets the standard and breaks the silence of a silent apology, sorry breaks a cycle of a silent apology. Now you might be wondering, why do I say like a man does all the time? And you've probably heard that before, and possibly hated it. I used to hate it as well. The reason I say that is because I used to talk to throughout my whole career, women who were working part time with their kids and men who were working part time with their kids. And they should both showed up so differently. The women were overworking on their days off, they felt like they had to, you know, be online, to be visible and compete. The men just had rules like, No, I'm just off with my kids. And if there's an issue, like my team can call me. That's just it. That's what I mean when I say, own it. Like a man. I mean, you need to just. To absorb the identity of motherhood with yourself. And again, I'm not trying to call you out. I'm trying to say you've learned all this kind of crap from society that has basically said that, which I'm going go into right now. Why being perfect is a trap? You're told to be perfect in two areas. Women are taught to be perfect in every single domain. At home, you better be nurturing, present, educational, no screens, organic meals with your kids. But at work, you better be reliable, chill, high performing, and your needs are freaking invisible. The bar also keeps moving, and you will never hit it, and that is the point. That is my tinfall conspiracy hat. They tell women to be perfect in all areas, because they'll never be perfect. And they'll put these high expectations. The bar will keep moving. You will keep striving. You will never be satisfied. You do not develop the confidence. If you don't develop the confidence, then you're not likely going to ask for those flexible work arrangements, which are offered but are not taken up. And then other women aren't taking those options off either. And then other women are talking about how all these challenges, etc, and it's like, it's like seeping out, and then you're not going for those other types of roles. And it just keeps going. Because when you look around and like, even if you think to yourself, like everyone else is doing it better, I want you to remember very clearly you're probably only seeing their polished exterior, just like they're seeing your polished view as well. Right? We're not always complaining publicly about motherhood the way we do about uni or work stress, not because it isn't valid, but because it would force society to confront how unsupported mothers really are, and no one wants to fund that right. And if everyone told the truth, we'd have to redesign everything from workplaces to public services to partner expectations. So instead, motherhood has been marketed as a noble cause, and you need to stay silent about the cost to you and the labor that is performed now, that is changing over time, right? Like we have been speaking about it, that has been moving however, yeah, it's, it's at a slow pace, and there's still that messaging that I still see in the women that I'm coaching, and these beliefs there, right? Because the fix is, this is the fix. If you are sick of feeling like you need to be this mom with like, like, like parent, like you don't have a full time job, but also be a full time job like you don't have kids or anyone. Here's what you need to do. You need to stop chasing perfection, and instead, need to focus inwards and start expanding your self content, self concept. Sorry, you need to look at what's working. You need to acknowledge what you can do. Need to think like, man, like I'm doing a great job. I'm proud of how I'm showing up. And this is enough, because I'm sorry you cannot be a stay at home mom and a full time employee at the same time. That's not a flaw. That is your reality. Welcome to being a human being, and what you're doing is you're mentally torturing yourself when you're expecting yourself to be perfect in these two areas. I have to give you one of my earliest memories with a client when she came to me crying, and it was during COVID, and both her and her partner are in the same like, middle management and, well, they had basically, you know, all the kids are home, and they have to kind of sort out school and work. And work was very understanding of this for everyone. And just said, like, look, we'll sort around it, right? So the idea was she was going to kind of take the morning shift with the kids, and then he would kind of step in. Yeah. Anyway, she was upset because she felt like she was like, not being there for her team during such a hard time. But then, at the same time, also felt bad, because like her kids needed her. And there were people at school who were going to be their, you know, moms for the whole day. And I just remember saying to her, what's, what's your husband doing with all this? And she was just like, Oh, yeah. Like, he's just told them, like, Look, I'll be able to work for these hours. If there's an emergency, let me know, and then I'm gonna be off with the kids. Like, no drama about at the time, I was sitting there livid and shocked, because when we got into the root of all her thoughts and feelings, it was really that that very dichotomous, like two expectations that just cannot be met. You cannot be this, stay at home mom and this, like complete, full time worker, versus her husband, who just accepted that, and was like, yeah, it is what it is like. This is what it has to be. And I want you to step into that identity more. I promise you, you are not going to lose out. Okay, you're not going to miss something. What I see a lot of women do is they try to fix these feelings of inferiority through external actions, which end up burning them out instead of just being confident in themselves and who they are. Are, and yes, I need to work from here to here on these days so I can go pick up my kid. That is it. If you needed me for an emergency, call me just done. Like what I help my clients through is showing them that that is sending such a stronger message when you are confidently owning both these identities, and that you cannot be like 100% perfect in either of them, and that you can do the best you can. How will you be showing up at work? How will you be showing up with your kids, etc? It's like the actions that they're taking are completely different, and they are more wholesome, and they're not burning out as much, and they're still showing up at their selves as work, but with such a different energy, because let's, I want to be real. Okay, I'm not saying systematic bias does not exist. Okay, the motherhood penalty is real, and yes, women on a societal level are still judged more harshly. But here is also the thing, you can't use that truth as a reason to keep burning yourself out. You cannot wait for the system to catch up before you start protecting your own energy. The turning point is choosing what you can and can't control, owning your identity, owning your choices and owning the fact that you cannot be everything to everyone, everywhere, all the time. Confidence doesn't come from doing more. It comes from focusing on what is working, from building on the areas where you are already showing up. That is the shift when you stop trying to change the entire environment around you, to calm yourself down, and instead, you claim your space within it and who you are and your identity, those boundaries become so much easier that guilt can start to fade away and your power returns. I have seen women with children thrive in their careers, not because the system was perfect, but because they stopped waiting for permission from the universe to show up as they are, because they believe in their value, and they show up with boundaries and they own their lives. Now, some workplaces, I'm going to be honest, do it better, all right, and even some countries, all right, I work with women all over the world, okay, there are places that offer decent maternity leave and foster a culture that supports working parents, and I will say that the Yeah, that makes a huge difference. But even in those environments, you still have to own your role and your boundaries and your energy, because the culture might help, but confidence still comes from within. And you want to know why I know that is 100% true, because I have worked with women with some of the best maternity, paternity, oh, my God. We've gotten what it's called, like, leave and rules and support in the world. And I have worked with women in countries where it is like, I would say some like, really not the best. And guess what? They all had in common. They still had this same fear around, you know, showing up to work, being a mom, mom, guilt, all of that, which shows me that, yes, whilst culture and changes in the environment are still important, there is still that conditioning there in the background, there's still that inner work, there's still those thoughts that need to be challenged, right? The key is you need to not confuse your life with just your job, your career is just one part of your full, rich human life that also includes your children. Any organization worth your energy. Should respect that, and if they don't, that is saying so much more about them than it does about you. Okay. To wrap up that internal shame you were feeling around motherhood, it didn't start with you, but it can end with you. Okay. You do not need to be overcompensating so much to like, own, your own worth. All right, you need to start looking more internally again. Stop apologizing. Start like if as a Start Stop apologizing. Start stating facts like a man would just try it. Do it small. Maybe you start with a colleague and you just say, hey, I need to leave my go pick up my kid, and that's it, right? The next is like, you need to, you really need to examine your beliefs about what makes a good mother, a good employee and a good woman, and question every single one of them. And I want you to really look at, where has this come from, right? Whether it's growing up, whether it's society, like, Where have I learned that I have to be good at everything, and how is it impacting my life right now? Okay? Because you're not a burden, you're a force, and you deserve to show up like it. Now, if you are nodding along or yelling Yes, right now, I have got so much more where, like all of this came up from. So sign up to my email list. You know, head to my show notes, head to anywhere I'm online, and get straight talking tips, cheeky pep talks and completely unfiltered insights on how to own your role and who you are, including the messy mum parts without setting yourself on flat. Oh my god, on fire. No fluff, no BS stuff you actually need to hear to help you balance out motherhood and work. All right, I will see you in the next two weeks.