How to Manage Up (Without Selling Out)

Most high-achieving women were taught to over-deliver, not manage power. So when someone says “you need to manage up,” it can feel fake—or like you’re being asked to become a corporate robot.

But managing up isn’t flattery. It’s strategy.

In this episode, I break down how to manage up in a way that protects your energy, builds influence, and works with your neurodivergent brain (not against it).

🎧 In this episode:

• Why managing up feels fake (and why it’s not)
• What to do when your boss’s moods derail your week
• A low-effort update structure that calms chaos and builds trust
• The difference between managing up vs managing around

Whether your boss is chaotic, reactive, or actually toxic—this one’s for you.

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⚠️ Disclaimer:   This podcast is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or psychological advice. Any stories, examples, or scenarios discussed are illustrative and may be composites or anonymised accounts. They do not refer to any specific individual, client, workplace, or organisation. 

Transcript

Michelle Kevill: 0:37

Hello, my corporate survivalists. How are we? All right, I want to talk to you about how to manage up without losing yourself. All right. So if you've ever found yourself like second guessing every update, like rewriting emails three times trying to predict your boss's mood before a meeting. This episode is for you, because the first time I heard the term managing up, I freaking hated it. It to me, sounds fake, performative and like corporate code for just an energy boss's ego and like, like, basically something that, like an extroverted ladder climber would do to suck up to leadership. But here is the truth, that's actually not what it is. So I am going to break it down really clearly for any of my high achieving, especially neurodivergent women, on what managing up actually is, okay, managing up, okay, when they talk about managing up, like managing your boss, your boss's boss, etc. All it is, it is emotional marketing. It is showing calm on the surface, while strategically deciding what truth to tell when and how. And I know for so many of you, this might sound like lying, and honestly, the first time I started doing this, it kind of felt that way, but, and I say that because, as a

Unknown: 2:02

neurodivergent woman, the default is just to tell the full raw truth

Michelle Kevill: 2:07

in real time, but managing up is more about containment versus deception. It's about choosing the right moment and framing to deliver information in a way that doesn't cause unnecessary panic or derail your week. You're not hiding. You're in a way like you're leading and you're regulating for them and for you, at its core, managing up is about consciously influencing how you and your work is perceived by your boss, to reduce friction, clarify expectations and protect your energy. It's just part of stakeholder management, and it's also part emotional intelligence, and it's part nervous system regulation. And the thing is, like, I just feel like when you go into the corporate world, they do not teach you this, especially if you're a woman, a neurodivergent and someone who has been raised to be good versus strategic. You've probably been praised for working hard, but not necessarily negative. Oh, my God, navigating power. That's why managing up can feel fake or really manipulative, like you're acting, but you're not. You're translating your value into a language they understand. You're managing tension so you don't drown in it. It's not necessarily a mask. It's actually a skill and one that can help you feel safer, clearer and move more in control in a system that often feels unpredictable and overwhelming. And I will use some metaphors to help you through this. So the goal for today's episode is really like, this isn't just another like, be assertive or some pep talk that I'm giving you right, like this episode is about how to strategically manage up, even if your boss is a little chaotic, contradictory or at times emotionally unreliable, without abandoning who you are or becoming chameleon or fake liar just to survive. Because, let's be honest, a lot of you were not taught how to manage power dynamics. You were taught to keep the peace, over perform and smile through it, but that's not leadership. That is emotional labor. So this is what we'll cover, what managing up actually is and why it feels fake, but isn't, how to figure out what your boss actually cares about without over functioning, and what to do when managing up turns into managing chaos, boundaries, red flags, and really, how to protect your energy around that. Okay? I'm going to give you more of a deep dive into what managing up actually is and why it can feel fake, right? Because I want to reframe this. Managing Up is not manipulation. It's also not flattery. It's not selling out. It's not betraying your authenticity or lying. It is strategy, and I would say it's one of the most important leadership skills that and saying no, that you can develop, especially in a workplace that rewards people who know how to navigate power and people because when you manage up well, you stay ahead of confusion and misalignment. You get those resources and you get backed in meetings instead of being left in the dark. You reduce how much of your week is derailed by your boss or boss's boss's chaos. You build trust, visibility and influence, but most importantly, you protect your energy. You're not doing it to please them. You're doing it to make your job sustainable. But here is a real kicker, a lot of high performing, emotionally attuned and especially neurodivergent women hate managing up because we weren't taught to see it as a leadership skill. We were taught to stay small and let the work speak for itself. Anticipate. Everyone's needs and fix things quickly, avoid being difficult or calculating. So when you start managing up, it can feel wrong. It can feel fake, or like you're being too, too strategic, or not authentic, or lying, because I want to be honest, like sometimes it can feel fake, but that is because managing up can look a lot like marketing All right, like you're holding it together on the outside, even when you're panicking on the inside. And if you're the type of person who blurts out the truth when things go wrong, well then when you're doing this type of work, managing up, it actually feels wrong. I'll give you a metaphor for this, and I think I've used this metaphor before in my previous episodes, so I'm going to use it again. Let's say you are a surgeon, you're about to perform surgery, if you are coming off showing and like, think about it, right? If you're a surgeon, obviously you know that things can go wrong, right? And they do. And maybe you've explained at a level of understanding around what can happen. You have comfort levels, et cetera. But if you think about it, that surgeon is carrying and thinking about all these other 20 different things, they're also working with a team of people to help you do it right? But if they're showing their like absolute true feelings, whether they're doubting themselves, or maybe it has been, I'm making this up, some stuff up, and then they don't have this specific thing to do, this thing, which means it's going to change your surgery and stuff like that. Can you imagine if they were coming off telling you all of this, like, all the stuff that goes on behind the scenes of a surgery with, like, this really nervous energy? Can you imagine how afraid you would be? And it's not again. It's not that they're lying to you. It's about how they come across, right? They're coming across calmly, being like, hey, because we don't have this equipment, I'm going to need to do X. This may extend the surgery by three hours. This is the risk. How do you, you know, feel about that? I feel X confident in this. They're just completely different versus, oh my god, this happened, and I don't know if we can do it, and all this stuff, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, like the energy is completely different. It's almost like a performance, like this person that you're looking up to perform surgery, like you are looking up to them like they are a leader, and how you share that information with your energy, but also how you frame it, and what you tell them in a certain way is going to influence how that person is feeling. Hence the term managing up amount of times I've done so much work behind the scenes on a project, and then I come up with, like, you know, clearly, here's what happened, blah, blah, blah. Here are the option, here's my recommendation. But I'm just super calm. But, yeah, I've had to do all this, like talking to different teams, like working through lots of emotions, stress, freaking out, etc, because this is going to change to kind of pull that all together, and then I just clearly, calmly, I'm like, okay, blah, blah, blah. This, it doesn't mean you also don't show like the level of work and labor that you're doing, but you're just being such a different energy. And that's why I use a surgeon example, because that's a surgery on you. Of course, how a surgeon's emotional state is going to be is going to affect you and their confidence in them. So with that, how do you decode and deliver? How do you figure out what your boss actually cares about without over functioning? Because I'll be honest, like, let's be real. A lot of managers are not always clear about what they actually need. Okay, they may say they want simplicity, but they may get upset that you're not updating them on like on this failure. They may say they trust you, but then they start to micromanage you when they're stressed. They want to be kept in the loop, but then they freak out every time something changes. It's not and again, I just wanna make this clear, it's not always that they're being super manipulative. It's just that they're human. Most people are stressed, overwhelmed, and I want to tell you right now, not a lot of people are super self aware, and that tension leaks out. So managing up isn't just about necessarily managing your emotions. It's more about preventing the point where their emotions derail everything and affect you. Instead of emotional labor, I want you to see it more as strategic labor versus an emotional cleanup. So this is how you can code what they really value and how like they're managing up style. Because how I would manage up someone that's my direct boss, or someone in a different area, more senior, whatever will be different based on like patterns I've observed, which is the first part of this, I want you to observe patterns and not promises. Do not go off what they say. Look at what they consistently do. They are telling you they don't want to be kept in the loop, but yet always freak out when, like this thing happens. Then I would say, find that balance. Maybe it's keeping them loop half the time, something like that. But like because sometimes what they say doesn't match up with how they emotionally act. That leads into the second point. I want you to track emotional spikes, what triggers their anxiety, pride, defensiveness, excitement, all of that, and notice what they reward, what gets celebrated, escalated or praised in meetings. For example, if they absolutely love it when you frame things in a way around risk mitigation or saving cost or KPIs, that is a language they are going to best resonate with. So you need to start translating your work through that lens. It is not about shape shifting or becoming some corporate robot. It is about translation. You're not changing your value. You are making your value more legible to them, and once you know what they care about, you can start to tailor your updates without turning them into some sort of massive performance art. So here is a simple update structure that I even use myself when it comes to like crap happening on the ground. So you can start with context, like high level. And I always tell people, go simple, please. Like you can, obviously, if you want to go into more details, talk to them, but if you think about it, your boss, your boss's boss, managers, whatever they're dealing with, so many things, so keep the email or whatever it is, as simple as possible, right? Give them some context. Just a sentence on what's going on right now. Stick to objective facts. I do not want you to waffle. Talk about the what, what are you doing? What is happening? What is the ownership? Talk about the So, what the So, what gets missed so many times. And this is why this matters, that is, I would say, one of the most important things that I do not see enough in emails. What is the risk? Or what could go wrong if this is not managed? Why should they freaking care? The next is impact or risk again, spell out what's at stake here. You know, the project, the team, whatever it is like, share it and keep it high level. You can say high, low, whatever it is. Give them some options and or recommendations if needed, it's a short list of what could be done or what you could recommend, and the next is the ask. I want you to make it so goddamn clear to them what you need from them. You need to keep the messages short and sharp. Own the message, own the process, stay open to feedback and loop others in when needed. This gives them clarity, trust and confidence, without dragging you into all their micro management. And then you would tailor these updates right based off their style. I work with people who need more detail, like, if I work with someone in analytics, they usually need more detail. I usually give them little paragraphs. I might even be talking to them, but if I'm working with someone in like, say, marketing or sales that I'm giving them such concise one liners and like, really, I don't want to say dumbing it down, but it's especially if they're more senior or higher up. But know what I am going to say, it is dumbing it down. It's making it so simple for them, because the cognitive load of what they're doing or looking at or focusing on is just too much. But I also want to talk about a red flag, right? Because if you are spending more time crafting the perfect tone or second guessing every word than doing the work itself, that's not necessarily managing up. That's called Managing around, that is typically a trauma response and not a strategy. Because this isn't about over explaining. It's about speaking in a way that lands, giving just enough to keep things clear without feeling confusion or panic. Emotional safety equals strategic clarity, and if managing up doesn't go to Planned like, use it as data. Like, why did this person do X in response to Y? Like, how should you frame it next time? Why do they care about it? Like it takes time to develop pattern recognition, because, again, you're like, you, I think I want to make this clear, you're already doing this at a subconscious level. So I don't want you to do this and think you're going to get a perfect straightaway. Okay? Because that's why I want to. I wanted to point out the red flag. I feel people are like, I need to get this perfect so they respond in a perfect way. And it's like, no, it's not about that. It's more about, how do you do trial and error? So the next part I want to get into, because this is the next like part, like my colleagues, my friends and even clients say all the time, because they're like, Okay, I get this right. But like, what if my boss is terrible and they're actually, like, an absolute toxic manager, and like, nothing I'll do will ever be enough for them, right? So how do you manage up? How do you what do you do when managing up turns into managing chaos? Because let's zoom out just for a second, right? Not every boss, like difficult boss is toxic. Some are just reactive, okay, under pressure or poorly trained, maybe they don't know how to lead, and I know that can be annoying, but it is manageable. You can set boundaries, clarify scope and influence upward, but when their behavior becomes unpredictable, emotionally manipulative or undermining, that's when we're crossing into unsafe territory. So I want to give you a quick contrast between a difficult versus more toxic boss. A difficult boss is just going to be someone who's inconsistent, maybe chaotic, but they're not necessarily malicious, like there is room for dialog. They are open to feedback, okay? This is when at the end of the day, they have, like, a good heart. It's just that their emotions. Just like get in. And I would say that would be for a lot of managers, including myself, at times okay, because we have all these feelings, and they sometimes just seep out, whereas a more toxic boss is going to be more ego driven, manipulative, constantly destabilizing you. They reward loyalty, but they will punish autonomy. And again, I don't need you to necessarily diagnose them, but you do need to know how to protect yourself, because here's a shift. Managing Up is actually it's also about collaboration, but managing an ego is more about containment. Something I haven't even noticed yet with managing up is you can just ask your boss, like, how do you want to be? Like, man, maybe don't use the word manage. But like, how do we want to be involved? I can do it in an indirect way. How do you want to be involved in this project? Like, do you want me to copy you in on these emails, etc? Anyone who is a good or even maybe at times difficult boss is going to be very receptive to that, whereas someone a little bit more toxic, like, if you're constantly predicting their reactions, tiptoeing around their moods, or spinning your updates to avoid backlash. You're not managing up again, you're managing around them, and that is not going to be sustainable. So some red flags to spot are is maybe you may leave meetings or conversations with them more confused or emotionally spun out. They may change direction without warning, and then they blame you. You may get praised privately, but they may criticize you publicly, and you found that out through other people, or you may feel like their emotional buffer, not necessarily their direct report. So this is what you can do if you have more of a boss that is leaning more into like, I would say, a toxic boss I want you to contain. Do not absorb their emotions are not your responsibility. My whole podcast, even from the very beginning, has a ton of stuff on how to do that. The next is really important. I need you to document everything paper trails, protect your truth, and if they know and see you doing that, they're going to be it's going to be harder for them to be able to be more toxic towards you. The next is to hold the line and do the best you can to regulate your emotions. Stick to facts. Stay neutral. Do not justify do not take their bait. They are trying to trigger a reaction. You do not give it to them. When you give them a reaction, you are giving them information that they can use against you. They are then figuring out, okay, this is the thing that I can use next time to make them, to influence them, or make them feel a certain way. The next is, look, you can't fix a toxic boss, but you can start playing the game. And detachment is not rudeness. It is a form of self protection. But remember, emotional steadiness, that is power when you stay calm and you stop being your their emotional regulator, and you start becoming your own damn leader. And again, if you want more info on this, I'm actually planning on doing an episode on toxic like bosses and what that looks like, and fleshing it out a little more, versus my really early episodes where I talk about workplace grooming and much more like I would say that it's a next step, next level, further online, of a toxic boss, still in that category. But around that, around that line, I'm basically going to flesh it out a little bit more, like the spectrum of it all. But if you feel like you're leaning more towards that. Check out the first three episodes of the corporate Survival Guide, like season two of this whole series. That'll give you a little bit more information. But I would honestly say that most bosses are just a little bit difficult at times. You know, you're going to deal with some who are really I've dealt with some really self aware managers, and then I've dealt with some that just are not and I their emotions have just come out, you know? And that is okay. There is a way to work around that, and some of those tips are definitely going to help. So to wrap up, managing up is not fake or lying. It's about framing, knowing where to Shen, when to share things, and how to do it. And I want to make this clear, you can be authentic and intentional. This is intelligent boundary setting, not some sort of fake performance piece, the neurodivergent girlie myself. Trust me when I say you can do both. I manage up a lot better now and in my own style. And I also always work with my managers now and actually ask them, How do you want to be involved in this? And we work together, make sure to then tailor your updates to their logic. Again, if you're managing their emotions more than your workload, then you've slipped more into emotional labor versus what I would say is more like strategic labor, right? We talked about that a little bit before, versus like a difficult versus toxic boss, and use a simple structure to update again, keep the updates like calm, clear and strategic, not reactive. Think about your audience, right? Do they need more information? Do they need less information? And again, it's all about trial. Error. You're not going to get this perfect at the start. And then again, the same tactics apply, whether your boss is difficult or toxic. Document everything. Protect your energy, stay steady. Some of this makes you want to vomit. Seriously, I just like any maybe you've just found me. Go back to the very beginning of my episodes, like for back when this was used to be called how to deal with big fucking feelings. So just go to Episode One. Go through this whole series, because that will help you get unstuck. And we do a lot of inner work around your thoughts here, whereas I have moved more into strategy as this is not just a stage that I am in myself, but also where my clients are at too. And what I am blending is something that is very unique, and I do not feel is out there, which is that deep inner work with corporate strategy. The biggest thing I found when it came to coaching work is it does fantastic job. If you feel like crying in between meetings, or you want to vomit when you you know you saying no. But what coaching has been lacking, I feel for a really long time is, how do you layer on coaching with office politics and the corporate world, and then a dynamics of that that is completely missing, and I feel coaching, at times, how it's typically been taught, can ignore some of those dynamics that happen. So together, I bring this all together, the coaching work, the office politics, but also that your authentic self, because so many neurodivergent feel very, oh, my God. So many neurodivergent women feel so fake and like they have to give up their whole self. And really, how I phrase it to them is like, look, I'm getting you to, like, remove the mask in certain areas, and like strategically, choose when to put on the mask in a way that you have energy for it. That's not a bad thing. That's just navigating the system that you're in. And look if you want more scripts, examples, behind the scenes, strategies to handle tricky leaders. Sign up to my email and subscribe. You can check out the show notes or anywhere where I'm online. I send free tools mindset prompts and exclusive invites and discounts to my coaching programs, because you do not have to tolerate chaos to have a good career. You just need to learn how to decode it. Okay, I'm going to see you next week, not next week in the next two weeks, because this is fortnightly now, so manage up, hold your line, play the game on your terms. See you in the next two weeks.