Car Chronicles EP 21: I Learned The Hard Way That Unprocessed Trauma Changes You

A substitute guard sat on his phone and a child told her teacher she didn’t feel safe. Hearing that hit me like a gut punch, because it forced me to face two truths at once: showing up matters, and I’ve built real trust with people who depend on me. I start from that moment and let it open the door to something bigger, a clear look at my emotional state and why I don’t think enough men say what’s actually happening inside.

My worldview didn’t get cynical by accident. I spent 13 years in Air Force security forces, responding to emergencies, suicide calls, domestic violence, and the kind of constant disrespect that teaches you to expect the worst from people. When you don’t process those experiences, trauma doesn’t stay in the past. It compounds. It changes how you interpret every conversation, every relationship, every new face. I share what that looked like for me, including the mental breakdowns that finally exposed my limits and the ways my emotional defenses bled into my marriage.

Then I explain what’s helping me rebuild: witnessing humanity in its purest form while working at a school where kids are still kids, joy is real, and community feels safe. I also tell a recent story from the road where I pulled over at a smoky crash to help get a truck driver out, and why I’m not sure the old version of me would’ve stopped. If you’ve felt hardened by life, stuck in survival mode, or tired of carrying your story alone, this one is for you. Subscribe, share it with someone who needs it, and leave a five-star review if it resonates.

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Transcript

Why I’m Sharing This

SPEAKER_01 0:02

Just left the church. And you know, normally I wouldn't even get on here to talk. You know, I'm on the way to the gym and whatnot. But today today hit different. And this episode is gonna be about me and just my emotional state. You know, just what's going on outside of me. Because I one, I'm enough men talk about their feelings or things that are going on inside of them. And two, I just don't really believe that people see the world the way I see it. So this is gonna be like a look through my eyes of how I see the world and just my current emotional state. So if that's something that interests you, then stick around. If not, then I guess just wait for the next episode. So today at the school, so last week I wasn't there. Because we were in Miami for the hybrid health summit. So they had to send a replacement guard. And I had no idea who they were gonna send. And I was already worried. And Stephanie asked me, she's like, why are you so worried? I was like, because not every guard takes the job serious like I do. And I was like, I've I've built a relationship with these kids and with these teachers, and if anything happened to them, I would clearly I'm more emotional than I thought. If anything were to happen to them, I would beat myself up because I wasn't there. And I was like, if they're gonna send some freaking guy who just doesn't care, and not only will it leave a bad taste in their mouth, but you know, it makes the company look bad. Because it's like, okay, why are you sending us this second rate freaking guard? So that was my mindset, and you know, we're in Miami, and I got a text from Jonah, and he was telling me about the guard they sent, and I was like, I was like, here we go. And they're like, this freaking guy shows up with a full grill. And I'm like, man, just unprofessional, dude. There's a time and a place, man. Anyways, so when I got here today, I got the full rundown of the guard that replaced me. And it's it's literally what I feared, bro. They said, you know, he was just on the back, sitting down on his phone all day. And they're like, Normally, you know, we see you doing your checks all the time. You're always walking by the classrooms, always making sure the kids are doing okay, always checking in on everybody, always helping with it. And we never saw this guy. And when we did see him, he was always on his phone talking to somebody, out of mind, out of sight. And one of the teachers there, she said, My daughter literally did not feel safe and literally asked when you were coming back or if you were coming back. And then I talked to another teacher there, and they're like, Yeah, none of the kids were okay with you being gone. They all wanted to know when you were coming back. And this is and this that's exactly what I feared, dude. And I'm sitting here thinking to myself, it's like, man, if something would have popped off and these kids, it's like because now they're relying on me. And you know, I understand that life happens, but it's still, this is why I never wanted to miss a Thursday. Now it feels like I just let them down because I wasn't there, and they had to witness, you know, something they should not have had to witness, which is another security card, you know, not living up to the standard. And they literally told me, they're like, you you're not ever allowed to take another day off. And it it just felt nice to, you know, to know that I'm leaving an impression on people and that they want me to be around, and that I'm doing a good job, and people actually care about me. And that they all welcome me back, the kids welcome me back, and this is the reason why I even decided to do this episode to begin with, is because I know I talk on it briefly, but about my cynicism and how security forces and being in the Air Force warped my worldview drastically because day in and day out I spent a majority of my 13 years in the military as security forces seeing the evil in people. And bro, I've seen it. I responded to me and Sergeant Garcia responded to a medical emergency on the track. We get there, there's this kid that passed out from doing the PT. We we run over there, Sergeant Garcia grabs his head, lifts him up, and I'm holding his legs, and I put his legs up, and I'm holding his legs, and we got him in the shock position. And this kid literally, I don't even know how to explain what was going on, and it almost seemed like it was heat stroke, or I don't know, I don't know what it was. But regardless, that kid literally died in both of our arms while we were holding him.

SPEAKER_00 7:12

Died right there.

SPEAKER_01 7:14

Fire got on the scene, fire resuscitated him, brought him back to life, took him to the hospital, and then he didn't make it. That happened to me. And you know, you you you you see stuff like that, and uh, I'm not trying to hear like, oh, you know, all these other people out here see death as well. And I understand that. And there's people out here that are killing people, and I understand that what I'm getting at is the core that it sticks with you if you don't process it, and this stuff adds up. And I was uh and I was one of those guys, and I was like, oh, I'm strong enough to deal with this, and it doesn't show in the forms that you may think it does. Trauma slowly decays your body, it's literally a silent killer because you cannot actually see it internally eating you alive, and so that was one of the things that I dealt with. I literally responded to a suicidal ideation, a new airman. I get there, knock on her door, she actually opened it, which was a good sign, and I started talking to her like a human being to talk her out of her killing herself before her first sergeant and medical showed up. I sat right down with her and I was like, hey, let's just talk. I've done that. I responded to another suicide attempted suicide where the chick literally overdosed on medication, gone. They got there, resuscitated her, took her to the hospital, pumped her stomach, she made it. Like these are the things and security forces that we're dealing with. Did a domestic violence call. Wife and husband got into it. Husband slapped the wife, knocked her glasses off. She had a little bit of blood on her face from when the glasses scratched her. She didn't want to press charges, but we had to. Took the husband away right there in handcuffs. And just the way that people would come through the gate and they would just treat us as if we're lesser than them because we're just regular gay guards. It's like, oh, you're just security forces, you're not important. And man, you hear that day after day after day after day. Then you add on top of that, just poor leadership in security forces in general. Nobody ever has your back. Everybody's constantly taking a dump on somebody else. Everybody's always constantly using other people as stepping stones. It's always a competition of who can use who the most. And you just take all of that, and you you and you wrap that up in a nice little bow for 13 years. And man, it wears. It wears on the body, it wears on the mind. It's just literally straight poison for the soul. And that's how I became a cynic. I mean, I've talked about my life. This is just scratching the surface of the stuff that I've been through. And I'm not trying to get any type of pity or anything. I'm just telling you guys how my worldview was warped and twisted into cynicism and then to the point to where I didn't trust anybody, to the point to where when I've met people, when I met new people, my first question in my head is how are they gonna use me and when are they gonna stab me in the back? This is that's warped my perception was of reality. And it really, really, really affected me mentally to the point where I I built such a strong defense emotionally that I was known for I was known for not caring about anyone or anything.

SPEAKER_00 11:58

That's what people knew me as. The person who didn't care.

Marriage Breakdown And Mental Limits

SPEAKER_01 12:06

So it really was a problem, and it really was an issue, you know, that that encroached into my last marriage. And this is why I accept responsibility for my actions in the downfall of that marriage. Just because I wasn't the man I am today who could have saved that relationship. Because unfortunately, I believe I had to go through that in order to get to where I'm at today. And because of all of everything that has happened, it has led me to where I am now, being able to look back on everything I did and everything that happened to me. And it's helped shape who I am now, which is a guy who understands the things that have happened to him. I'm well aware now of my cynicism. Like I'm well aware of my flaws, I'm well aware of what I need to work on, I'm well aware of what I'm working on, and I'm able to now ask for help. Before, I don't need no help, I'm strong enough, I can handle it, and yeah, my willpower is by by far a lot stronger than most. But everybody has their limit, and I reached that limit three different times. I had three different mental breakdowns, and each time my psyche just fractured more and more until the final straw. And that was my my marriage when I realized that it was never gonna it was never gonna get better. And if I don't cut this off now, I'm gonna be a freaking shell of myself. I couldn't comprehend how it was possible that a friend when Stephanie and I were friends was treating me better than my wife. I could not comprehend it, bro. It messed me up mentally. Me, my my brain is just going trying to rationalize what I'm witnessing, and I just went through every different scenario, every different reason. Like, how is this happening? Why is this going on? Why doesn't she treat me like she does? And that was it. I cracked. I can't do it. I said I couldn't do it anymore. I was like, I went years in this marriage hoping that she would treat me the way that Stephanie's treated me now. Eight mother freaking years. I waited, hoping, pleading, begging, give me something, nothing. And the icing on top was when I asked her for the divorce, and we had a conversation about why, and we got into a I guess if you want to call it a fight, it didn't last long, maybe five minutes. And I asked her, I said, so what you're telling me is you let your pride get in the way of our marriage, and she said yes. That was it. That's all I needed. I was done. So it really is a killer. So if you can see just how things that you just go through in life, when you aren't actively trying to deal with them, especially as a man, they will literally harm you in ways that you cannot see. You won't even understand why you're acting the way you're acting and realize, oh, it's because of this thing that happened seven years ago. But it's just compounded over the years. It's the compounding interest that you don't want. Okay? Saying a freaking Roth R. You don't want this interest, but it compounds. So think of this. I want you to think of it in terms like this. Every single bad relationship that you've been in has just added to that, just accrued interest. And it's eating you away. So when people are like, oh, I'm just like that, I guarantee you you're not just like that. Nobody is born into this world a straight up a-hole. Nobody is born into this world a straight-up female dog. Nobody is born into this world as a Playboy. Nobody is born into this world as an OnlyFans girl. These identities are a cured interest over the years of trauma. I, bro, I promise you, I promise you. And it's things that people don't address, and they run rampant in your body, and they show in the way of your personality, your character, how you act, how you interact, how you react. And people think, oh, that's just me. I'm telling you right now, it's not just you. Because I used to think that I was somebody else. Come to find out, I'm not that person. I I I enjoy a very, very, very simple life. One with structure and one with a little bit of organization. I don't mind a little bit of organized chaos. That doesn't bother me. But I do like structure, and I do like to have a plan for things. Simple, not too crazy. But the me that people thought I was, they thought I was some playboy. They thought that I was sleeping with all the girls in the squadron. They thought that I don't give a F about anything. And that was the traumatized me. That was before I was in control of my own body.

SPEAKER_00 19:47

Do you guys understand what I'm saying? Do you understand why I harp so much on healing?

Finding Pure Joy At School

SPEAKER_01 19:57

No, I the it all plays a role into the reason why I started this episode today. And let me get let me get to that point before I lose you. The reason why I enjoy, and I've said this a bunch of different times, the reason why I enjoy working at this school, and it hasn't a Christian school, it has nothing to do with God. Okay, so I just want to rule those out now. And it has everything to do with being able to witness humanity in its purest form. And I keep saying this to you over and over and over again for a reason because please tell me when is the last time you witnessed humanity in its purest form? And I'm not talking about all those hope videos that you might see on TikTok. I'm talking about in real life. Every Thursday, I get to go to a school where these kids get to be kids. You get to watch kids be kids, no screens, no phones, none of that freaking bull crap. They're outside, they're playing, they're climbing trees, they're talking to each other, jumping around, play fighting, having fun, yelling, screaming. They get to be kids, bro.

SPEAKER_00 21:45

That is one of the purest forms of humanity. And then the teachers they

SPEAKER_01 22:00

Nurturing these kids by allowing them to learn the way that they see fit, the way that the kids see fit. They're not forcing them into a specific learning style, they're working with them to develop a learning style that works for them. They're literally teachers who are taking the time. Let's all volunteer. They all volunteer for this. I mean they get paid, but like they volunteer to work at the school specifically to help these kids. And they're all we're all like we all know each other. We're all having a good time. We're all talking, we're all having fun, we're all watching these kids, we're all laughing. Bro, you don't get to see it every day like that. You don't get to see humanity in this purest form. It's joy. Joy. How we are supposed to live our life. With light in our eyes, not walking around with our heads down, freaking with a goddamn depression cloud over your head raining down on you. That's not how we were supposed to live, bro. We get to witness, I get to witness pure joy every Thursday. You don't, I don't think, you don't understand. I don't know. I don't know if you understand what I'm saying. Or why it matters to me. Because I I I lived in the darkness for so long. And I just saw nothing but depression for so long. And I dealt with depression for so long. And I fight I finally get to peek behind the curtain and get joy. Every day I wake up, I'm so happy that I wake up to the best wife in the world. Like, I don't I don't know if she knows how excited I am because I don't show my emotion. So she probably doesn't know. But I wake up so excited knowing that she's gonna be there, it literally puts me at ease. And it's crazy because a lot of people couldn't even fathom our relationship. We both worked from home. And before I got this security job, and right when I got out of the Air Force, we were home. I was home with her every single day for two years straight. Every single day. And not once did we get tired of each other. Not once was it I need to go on a boys' trip or she needs to go on a girl's trip, or I need my space. Not once. Because unlike a lot of you who are with your spouse right now, I actually love being with my wife. And the time away, it hurts. Because when you finally get that piece of joy, that pure piece of humanity, you don't want to let it go. And it it hurts a little bit knowing that eventually the Thursdays here are gonna come to an end, and I'm never gonna see these kids again, and never gonna see these teachers again. And that hurts. It hurts far more than I thought it did, thought it would. Just the thought of it really it really bothers me. And one of the teachers. She's gonna have her baby and she's gonna be gone. And it's like, man, I don't like when people leave the team, bro. Because it's like they're just not there anymore. So all of the interactions that I used to have with her, she just won't be there. So you can't have those interactions anymore. And it sucks, dude. But I know, I know. That's life, man. It is what it is. But yeah. That's what it really comes down to for me. Just I search for it because I lived in the dark for so long. And it it it's it's helping slowly but surely to deal my cynicism. Because the more of this I see, like, okay, I feel like I could trust them. That's what it gives me. It gives me that little bit of hope. I'm like, you know what? Maybe I can't trust them. Maybe, maybe they maybe they don't want to use me. Maybe they won't stab me in the back. And you sow the seeds of doubt in the the well, never thought you'd be saying that as in a good way, but as in a good way, to where I'm actually starting to doubt cynicism.

SPEAKER_00 27:45

And starting to actually regain my ability to trust.

Stopping To Save A Trucker

SPEAKER_01 27:54

Because it just feels I don't even know how to explain it, bro. It just feels empty sometimes. Like when I meet somebody new and they're talking to me. I'm like, it just you like I'm already like analyzing like ways that you could potentially use that could potentially use you. And I know it's it's a freaking terrible thing, dude, but it's not something that I can willingly just shut off. It's just instantaneous. And I've been doing that less and less, and it's because I've experienced more joyful moments like working at the church. The irony is that it's a church, so that's I mean, take that how you will. I mean, I am Christian, I do believe in God. But it's not like I was actively seeking out a church or actively praying on the issue because I believe people use prayer the wrong way, and they don't know how to actually pray correctly, but that's a different story for another time. But like I said, every every time I see moments like this, man, I'm just like, and I you know, I'll give you one more. I didn't even talk about this on social media or anywhere. So if you're listening to this episode, then you're gonna be the only people that have ever heard this. I mean, it just it just happened recently as we were coming back from Miami. You know, we're coming back from Miami, and we're driving, and we see this big bloom of smoke, and we're like, oh wow, that must be a real bad accident. And it was. As we're driving past it, it's two semi-trucks and a pickup truck. The semi-truck ran into the back of another semi-truck. And I'm looking at this wreck, I'm like, wow, that looks really bad. We're literally like 10 feet away from it as we're driving past. And I see this light go off inside of the semi-truck, and I was like, oh crap, I think he's stuck in there. You know, there's smoke going everywhere, and there's oil all over, you know, the potential fire hazard. And we're driving. I was like, and I and I instantly felt like, yo, if I just pass this guy up right now, and like the truck bursts into flames and he dies, I'm gonna feel some type of way about it. So I told her, because she was driving, I said, hey, pull over. She pulled over, I got out. I ran over there, and there was a woman that was standing there. She's like, Yeah, my husband just ran over there too. I was like, okay. So I ran over to him. The husband was inside the inside the truck, inside the cab, trying to get the guy out of the cab. So I ran around to the other side. There were two other people over there. We ran around to the other side, and we tried to open the passenger or the driver's side door, but it was so jammed that we couldn't get it open, and he couldn't roll down the window because it was the uh the truck was, I guess, I don't know, it turned off, or he turned it off. Hopefully he turned it off, but it wasn't on. So he couldn't get the windows down, and he his legs were stuck. And so the guy in the cab is trying to pull him out while we're trying to freaking uh pull the driver's side door off, but we couldn't get it open. But thankfully he was able to get his legs out, he wiggled out and he got out, and he's walking around, and I go up to him and I said, Hey man, listen, you were just in a wreck, bro. You need to sit down. And then another lady came over. She had to have been a nurse or something because she took his pulse and checked for signs of concussion. So he was good to go. Uh he was on the phone with 911. The cop showed up and you know, talked to everybody that was there. And then we all, the the guys that were there that were helping each other, we all made jokes. Because, you know, we're all coming from wherever we're going. And I was like, yeah, man, I gotta get back on the road. I got an 18-hour drive. He's like, 18-hour drive. I was like, he's like, where are you going? I was like, San Antonio. He's like, oh man, good luck with that. He's like, yeah, I gotta get back on my drive too. We're just random people, bro. Just stop to help somebody. And I don't know if the old me would have done that.

SPEAKER_00 32:20

You know?

Talking It Out And Closing

SPEAKER_01 32:24

But the new me saw it, and I just, man, I I had an emotional like surge. I was like, bro, I gotta help this guy. I don't think the old me would have done that. So yeah. That's what I got for you. Yeah, I know. It's not anything relationship-wise or fitness-wise or anything wise. And it was about me wise. But I keep telling you guys, you know, the more you talk about this stuff and you talk to other people about it, the the less power it has on you, and the the more opportunities you have to regain control of your life. That's really what it boils down to. This is my therapy. I don't believe that go to other therapists, I don't believe that people need therapy. I believe you have all the tools you need inside of yourself to help you. And this is my way of helping myself, and that's by talking about my life. So more people just know that potentially what I'm what you're going through, I've been through it, and there is a way out. There is a way you can get help. And you can do it, just like I did. I don't read self-help books. I don't go asking mentors or people who have done this before. This is stuff I've learned through lived experience, trial, and error. Because I believe that's the best way to learn. Sure, you can go read somebody's book or hire a mentor. Obviously, some things are gonna be beneficial for a mentor, like our functional medicine and fitness stuff that we're going through just because of the technologies involved. But when it comes to like life, come on, bro. Best way to learn is to fail. But now you when you fail now, you have the tools equipped to reflect so the trauma doesn't run rampant. And you don't have to actually suffer when you fail and you can just bounce back. But either way. Either way, hopefully you guys enjoyed this episode. If you did, don't forget to like, comment, and share, and leave that five star review. And until next time.

SPEAKER_00 34:44

See you!