Car Chronicles EP 23: If You Date Just To Avoid Being Alone, You Will Miss The Red Flags

Dating can turn toxic long before anyone yells, cheats, or walks out. Sometimes it starts with a quieter problem: choosing a relationship because being alone feels worse. We unpack how that fear fuels desperation, why it makes people ignore red flags, and how it traps them in the apology cycle that shows up in so many abusive relationships. When “things go back to normal” for a moment, it’s easy to confuse relief for real change.

We also get practical about dating apps like Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble, including what makes profiles flop. Photos matter, but so does clarity: stop leaning on corny lines, inside jokes, and prompts you can’t actually talk about. If you want better matches, your profile has to match your real life, not an outlandish persona or a list of hobbies you rarely do. The goal isn’t to perform, it’s to be readable to a stranger in three seconds.

Then we tackle one of the most argued topics online: “micro-cheating.” We explain why we don’t buy the label, where the real line is between talking and actively pursuing, and why intent, wording, and energy matter more than viral checklists. Finally, we tie it back to relationship trauma, healing, and accountability, because most people aren’t doomed, they’re just repeating patterns they never learned to interrupt.

If this hits home, subscribe, share it with a friend, and leave a five-star review so more people can find the show. What boundary or red flag do you wish you had taken seriously sooner?

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Transcript

Road Update And Food Plans

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Yes, sir. You know what that means. On the road again. Thursday. Headed to the church. And I got this Thursday and next Thursday. And them kiddos go on summer break. I was about to say spring break. They go on summer break. So may or may not meet a couple episodes. Unless I find unless I put out more jobs in the Austin area. Because anything in San Antonio is like 15 minutes away from me, so I can't really. Yeah, I mean yapping. I can't really make a short episode like that. Anyways, wife is in PR right now for a drill. So it's just me and the animals. And it's just like I don't have any cravings. It's kind of a curse and a blessing. Because like not knowing what you want is kind of a nightmare. Which is like the number one downfall when it comes to eating or staying on a plan, sustaining that plan. But when it comes to regards of cheat day, it's a different story because I don't have to eat anything for cheating. I could just eat my regular meals if I want to. But I want to make a cheesecake. I don't know what I want to make. I just don't know anything. So when I get to the church, I'm going to ask around to see what I should make. Wow. I had some I had some leftover leftover Biscoff cinnamon rolls that I was going to bring to them. Completely forgot. And I shipped out 19 cookies to my mother for the farmer's market down there in Dallas. It would have been 20. But the I told the FedEx guy, he's like, What do you have in here? I was like, cookies. He's like, cookies? He's like, what kind? And I told him the kinds. He's like, bro, Snicker Doodle's my favorite. I was like, you want one? He's like, please. So I gave him one. And I'm a kind soul. But yeah, other than that, I don't think there's anything else too pressing in my life. So yeah. Let's hop into this episode.

Why People Stay In Bad Relationships

SPEAKER_00 3:12

Brought to you by a TikTok I saw that just can continues to further drive home the point that I've been talking about in a couple of the podcast episodes. And it was this woman talking about abusive relationships and why she stayed. And like most abusive relationships, the woman gets abused, the man apologizes, the woman sees the old him, how things used to be, for a while after he apologizes. So she feels like things are back to normal. And then he repeats the cycle. She stayed because she did not want to be alone. Is the issue with the current dating realm and this entry. Too many people are strictly dating because they don't want to be alone. And when you do that, you usurp your responsibility of fulfilling your role as a partner. Because there's no type of strings attached when you're just dating because you don't want to be alone. Because you know that if it doesn't work out, you can just move on to the next one. So that's your actual mentality, okay, is to date because you don't want to be alone, or you're tired of being alone, or you just want to find somebody, then you are going to have more issues in your relationship because your mindset and your beliefs are already misplaced.

Dating App Profiles That Self Sabotage

SPEAKER_00 5:54

I just remember another TikTok on the same topic that we watched. And it's about this guy. He tries to see if he can match with other guys on dating apps, and he shows their profiles, right? Listen, I gotta laugh because everyone and the guys do it to themselves, but men's dating profiles from the ones that I've seen on these TikTok videos are absolutely horrendous, and I can see why women aren't swiping on them. Okay, one. So don't post pics when you look your absolute worst. That's just not appealing. One of the biggest factors in somebody swiping on you is attractiveness. So if your profile comes across my screen and the first thing I see is the most unattractive thing I've ever seen in my life, I'm not swiping right. Third, stop saying corny stuff. The little stupid jokes, the little catchphrases, inside jokes, stop saying that stuff on your profile. It do you have to have a certain level of attractiveness in order to get away with that stuff. If you don't fall within a certain number on a scale of one to ten of attractiveness, probably I would say six if you're lucky, but seven or higher, you can't be saying corny stuff or making corny jokes and get away with it. Because at least if you're attractive, they're like, okay, well, he's attractive. Let's see what else he has to offer. But if you're in attractive, they're like, bro, you're a freaking creep, weirdo, corny, not swiping right on you. You see how that works? I mean, that's just the unfortunate situation of how it is, but that's just human nature. I'm sorry. I don't know what to tell you. That same thing, I know I'm getting off topic here, but this is all relevant to what I'm talking about. I was in the gym yesterday. No, Tuesday. Tuesday, and I was doing overhead tricep rope extensions. But you know how you put your butt against the pole? That's what I do. I don't freaking care. My booty, my booty, be my booty cheeks be splitting that pole. And Fern came over there, one of my boys at the gym, and he's like, bro, that's wild. You're freaking booty cheeks all up on the pole like that. I said, bro, when you when you make it to a certain size, and you look a certain way, you can get away with whatever you need them, and people don't even bat an eye at it. They'd be like, oh well, he's big, so he's good to go. Same thing with wearing stuff to the gym. When you're a certain size, you can wear whatever color, you can wear whatever you want to the gym because of your size and how you look. And I'm not sitting here saying that I'm the biggest guy in the gym, but I am a big guy. And at fitness connection, I'm probably top five. So I can get away with that stuff. And nobody bats an eye. So, same thing when it comes to attractiveness on your dating profile. When you are a certain level of attractiveness, you can get away with that stuff. But if you take a good look at it and be true with yourself, and you know your place, then you need to focus more on showing off your personality and your qualitative features on your dating profile than making corny jokes or saying stupid stuff. Or just, I don't know, whatever outlandish thing you can think of that you would think, oh, I think this is funny. Okay, but remember, this is you thinking it's funny. You're trying to impress somebody else. If they have no idea what it means, is it gonna be funny to them? Is it gonna make sense to them? Or is it just gonna be confusing? So when women are swiping through your profile, first they gotta get past the profile picture. That's the that's the that's the magnet, that's what's gonna bring them in. If that looks good, crisp, clean, pristine, then they're more likely to read through the rest of your profile. And then if they're reading through the rest of your profile, and you know, everything I'm I'm going off what I've seen. I don't, I've never seen hinge itself just off the TikTok video, so I don't know how it's structured, and I don't even know if it was Hinge or not. But I'm just assuming there's, you know, profile picks, and then there's like some wording, and then there's like a little voice note thing, and then there's like a place for hobbies, right? Something like that. But make sure that everything that you have listed, you are capable of talking about to a varying extent. So that's why I say you want to list the things if you if you list off your hobbies, list off the ones that you do frequently, okay. Now you might be like saying, oh, well, you know, everybody who has a hobby, you know, hobbies are done frequently. Or like, there's some people that only go snowboarding in the winter. That's not frequent. I'm talking about hobbies that you do like every single day. And don't put the gym down as a hobby. Okay, just put that you work out if that's if that's a uh a thing. Put your actual hobbies so people can get to know you. Okay, upon first glance at your profile picture, I should be able to tell if you work out or not. So, do you really need to reiterate that? Anyways, so I thought that was funny. How it was a guy trying to match with other guys, and he couldn't even match with guys because of just how horrendous the profile picks the profiles were.

Loneliness, Childhood Trauma, And Desperation

SPEAKER_00 14:33

Now, back to the original topic here. And I really believe this goes both ways, and I talk about it primarily from a woman's perspective just because based off what I've seen, I don't know any like true statistics. And it just seems like the women suffer more serious abuse than the men do, and the women stay. And now, like I said, men also go through it, but men aren't on as much of a timeline, or basically not on a timeline. So the odds of them getting with somebody because they're lonely aren't as high as the women, but men are far more likely to settle for someone than women. But regardless, the situation is the same in that if you are settling or trying to get with somebody solely based on you being lonely or are afraid to leave a relationship because you don't want to be alone, that is trauma. There is a reason or something that is causing you to act like that. And if you go back to, you know, your childhood, for example, my father left my mother when I was three years old, and I was raised by my stepfather, and I'm not gonna say that they had the best relationship, you know, he was an alcoholic and constant fighting. So there were issues there that me and my brothers witnessed, and if you don't have a great role model or a relationship to model what you want to see in a relationship, then you tend to mirror what your parents do, and then that carries on your relationships, and so if you are a child and you didn't get much affection, much love from your parents, or you were afraid that just like your father or mother walked out of a relationship, that your partner's gonna walk out of a relationship, you're never gonna see them again, that could cause fear. So you're more likely to do whatever's in your power to keep that person, regardless of how much damage it does to you and does to your overall psyche and does to the relationship. Because there's nothing more disgusting than desperation. That is the that is probably one of the biggest turnoffs in the world. Because like you're doing whatever it takes for this person for the sake of being with this person, when this person potentially doesn't even really care about you. And you're willing to sacrifice everything for them and get nothing in return. Like that's just not a good mentality to have. Well, I guess, in a sense, desperation because people just desperately want to be with somebody. And when you have that all-or-nothing mindset, one, it's gonna drain you completely, two, it's gonna cause huge problems in the relationship because you're gonna be very moody. Because things are good, but when things go bad, they're gonna go really bad because it's gonna trigger your trauma, and then you're gonna kick into desperation mode and try to do everything in your power to where it's gonna be overbearing for that other person. And it's gonna be like, yo, just like calm down. Like, why are you doing too much? So, like those people who constantly need their other their significant other to message them, or they constantly have to call the other person, or they constantly have to know what the other person is doing. That's that's stemming from somewhere. That's not normal human being behavior. Okay. Something happened to them in their past that is making them that way now. They are afraid that they are going to lose you and that they're not constantly in communication with you. You could potentially be doing something that they don't want you to do, like cheating on them or whatever the case.

Micro Cheating Versus Plain Cheating

SPEAKER_00 20:31

Speaking of cheating, I know I'm like bouncing all over the place, but this also just came to mind. You guys gotta remember, I get up at four in the morning on this day. It's currently 6.22 a.m. So when I'm making this podcast episodes, my brain's not all the way awake yet. So forgive me for that. But I'm pretty coherent, right? So speaking of cheating, my wife saw this post, and she sent it to me, and it said, 15 ways your partner is micro-cheating. Now, I might be old fashioned, okay. But I don't believe there's such a thing as micro cheating, and I'm tired of people having to have a term for literally everything. The issue I have with this so-called micro cheating is that it's a form of cheating that people tolerate. So you see where the issue is cheating. Don't tolerate it. Michael cheating people tolerate it. So I believe there's just cheating. If you're cheating, you're cheating, bro. And cheating, literally, is you actively are pursuing another person. You're cheating. Okay, that's it. If you're with somebody and you are actively pursuing another person, then you're cheating. I used to have a different mindset on that. You know, before, like I've gone back and forth with so many different ways, you know. Like I used to think, you know, sexting wasn't cheating. But now I'm starting to have a different opinion. And I just believe that cheating is if you are actively pursuing another person, talking about how you want to be with them, how you wish you were with them. Because now it is directly undermining your current relationship. Meanwhile, this person is putting all this effort into a relationship, and now your energy is split between this other person you're pursuing and your current relationship. So the current relationship isn't getting your 100%, that's cheating. So I mean there's there's a there's obviously a bunch of nuance that goes into that, but I don't, I don't, I don't the term micro-cheating and some of the terms she used, like, oh, if you're if your partner, these are her words that I'm saying. I can't remember directly exactly what she said, but she's like, if your partner is like talking to another woman, that's cheating. I'm like, okay, but really is it though? Because this is why I said there's nuance, to what extent? Because if I have female clients, obviously I'm gonna be talking to them, checking in on them, checking in on an emotional state. They might tell me some very personal things. So is that cheating? Obviously not. So once again, why is it not cheating? Because I'm not actively pursuing them. You see how that makes sense? Does that make sense to y'all? It makes sense in my head. If I'm just talking to somebody, like on IG, there's a bunch of women that are friends or previous clients of Stephanie's that we have a relationship because you know we send memes or we send reels to each other, and we talk about just life in general. Is that cheating? Is that micro cheating? No. Why? Because I'm not actively pursuing these women. Now, if I was in their DMs talking about, oh, hey, baby girl, you look good as hell. When you what you been up to? Like, and if I'm saying stuff like that, now I'm now I'm actively going out of my way. You see, do you see the difference? There's a fine line between actively pursuing someone, complimenting someone, and just talking to someone. And I really think the distinction is in the wording itself. And the wording itself determines if you're pursuing somebody or just talking to them or just giving out a compliment. Now, obviously, I don't you don't you're not gonna just go into random people's post and give out compliments, but there are times when I like when I was working at the wedding, the guy that ran security, him and his wife were in charge of the whole entire wedding, right? And she came, we all had to dress up in suits, and so obviously the women had to wear formal attire as well. She came down, we saw her and her in her dress, and I was like, wow, that dress looks really good on you. That is a compliment. That compliment fit the moment. You see what I'm saying? So it really comes down to the wording on if it is considered pursuing somebody, which then, you know, would be considered actively cheating. In my opinion, okay, in my opinion, I don't believe in microcheating. I just believe you're cheating or you're not. Because to label this micro treating micro cheating makes it lesser than cheating. And then last time I checked, cheating in general is just not good. So why make a less lesser version of it, which then allows wiggle room for people to get away with it? So if you're gonna stand up for yourself and say you're you're cheating on me, then stand up for self-you're cheating on me. Okay? My opinion.

Dating App Stats, Control, And Healing

SPEAKER_00 28:25

Anyways, back to the topic at hand. Now, like I would say, this whole entire dating situation nowadays is really, like I just said, based on desperation. And if you ever take the chance to look up the Tinder hinge bumble, to look up the statistics on how many men get matches compared to the women, it is horrendous. Okay, these men are very desperate because they are not getting matches, and desperation breeds a very bad mindset. Because they'll finally get a match, and they'll be like, finally, and now they're going to do everything in their power to keep this person. Now you might say, Well, that's a good thing. No, it's not, because they're gonna overlook red flags, they're going to allow them to get away with more because they don't want to lose them, afraid of being alone, because they just finding out a match after, I don't know, say 5,000 swipes, they find out a match. And they just want somebody to be there for them. So you can see how this situation can turn into a bad one because now that they have this person, a lot of the times if they don't want to lose somebody, they will become narcissic in their behavior. They will try to control this person. They'll use gaslighting, and they'll do everything in their power, like I said, to keep this relationship. Vice versa. Girls do the same thing, women do the same thing, girls, women do the same thing. Well, I mean, the dating culture today is like pretty much boys and girls because they're so young getting on these dating apps. But women and men do the same thing. How they go about it is different. Guys become narcissistic and controlling, and women weaponize affection. Both bad. Okay? Both bad desperate for our relationship, both desperate to keep that relationship, both desperate for control. Desperation is a scourge. It's just as bad as jealousy and envy. These are traits of very unbecoming of someone who is healed. So if you're if you're with somebody and they're going through their healing journey, jealousy, envy, desperation, you're going to push them away from you because they don't want to deal with that because they already had to live through that experience, probably have been that person, and are in the process of overcoming that trauma. So they're with somebody who is constantly forcing them to relive their trauma, they're not going to want that negative energy because they know where that leads. Now, they can, and you know, most of the time a healed person can help someone who is dealing with that and experiencing that, overcome that because they have the lived experience. But most of the time they're gonna they're gonna want to just distance themselves from that, you know, as they should, because you should go on your healing journey. You should be aware of your flaws, you should take accountability for your actions and realize that the issue is you. Okay, if a relationship, most of the time, if a relationship goes south, it's both people's faults. Be oppressed to find a relationship that failed solely based on one person. Now, are there sure there's always outliers, but 99% of the time, both people are at fault for whatever list of reasons you want to lift off list off, and they're all valid. But at the end of the day, none of that matters if these people don't take accountability. Most of the time, the girl just the girl, I don't know why I keep saying girl. It just comes out faster. The woman, the woman will say, Oh, the guy was narcissistic. And then, you know, the men will say, Oh, the woman was crazy. Okay, okay, both are true. Both are true. He was probably crazy, and he was probably narcissistic for all the reasons I just talked about. Both of y'all are hurt dealing with unresolved trauma that bled into your relationship. So now, because the guy had trauma from his childhood from watching his parents' relationship, and his dad always controlling his mom, telling her what she can and can't do, her wanting to leave, him saying he's sorry, and things going back to normal. Now he's repeating that in your relationship. Same thing with the freaking the woman. She had childhood trauma. Okay. Father never told her that he loved her, never showed her affection, it was a whole to her, would only reward her when she did something good. And now she's repeating those same things in her relationship. So it doesn't give you an excuse because you went through it to treat others that way. What you need to do is take accountability that, yeah, okay, I've treated people wrong, and I need to do better, and I'm no longer gonna blame my childhood for who I am today as an adult. Don't use the the the trauma that you went through gives you the reason why. Why you're why you're acting like this. It is up to you now to change that behavior. And like I said, people people always misinterpret what change actually means. Change is changing your behavior. Okay, you're still the same person, you're just changing your behavior. So when you're in the dating world out, and use that that example I just gave you for the men and the women, now apply that to millions of people millions of people now, all coming from the same traumatic instances dating one another. What do you think the problem with that is? All you're doing is collecting baggage. Because date after date after a date after relationship, after relationship, after relationship, you have just been interacting with traumatized people, and now that trauma is just being leached, or that trauma has latched onto you. So every person you come in contact with that has trauma, you take some of that because you dealt with it. So now you get into the next relationship, hoping this guy is not like the last guy, or this woman is not like the last woman. And just because she has just because she varies slightly, and then you start to rationalize it. Well, uh, she wasn't as crazy as the last one, so it might work. And then you become more desperate and more desperate for a relationship of someone who isn't crazy, air quotes, or a narcissist, air quotes, and then you find somebody who is the least narcissistic and the least crazy, and what do you do? You desperately do everything in your power to keep this person, but because of that mentality, you push that person away, that fails, and now you're just completely hopeless, and so what you do is settle for anything because you no longer want to be alone. See how that works, and then what happens when you settle? You get somebody who's the complete opposite of you, treat you like absolute crap. You treat them like absolute crap, and now you're literally just mimicking your relationship of your mom and dad when you were a child. And this is the importance of taking accountability for your actions, not using your trauma as an excuse, but using it as a lesson to learn from your mistakes, to improve yourself, so therefore, when you get your ship, you don't bring your burden into it and place it on somebody else's shoulders because you didn't want to deal with it.

Accountability And Closing Thoughts

SPEAKER_00 40:26

But yeah, that's what I got for you. Um, as usual. Hopefully, you guys enjoyed the episode. If you did, don't forget to like, comment, and share. And leave that five star review. And until next time, see you!