How to Talk to a Partner Who Insists on OPP, Forced Triads, or “We Only Date Together” EP. 139

What do you do when your partner says they are open to non monogamy, but only under very specific rules?

Only dating women.

Only forming a triad.

Only dating together as a couple.

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, non monogamous relationship coach Ellecia Paine breaks down what’s really underneath rules like the One Penis Policy and forced triads, and how to talk about them without turning the conversation into a power struggle.

This episode is a continuation of Episode 138, where we explored why dating separately is such an important growth tool in polyamory. Episode 139 focuses on the communication skills needed when a partner feels scared of autonomy and uses structure to manage fear.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why OPP and “only triads” are usually rooted in fear and comparison
• How monogamous conditioning shapes control-based relationship rules
• How to talk about autonomy without shaming or self abandoning
• The difference between care based boundaries and restrictive rules
• How to stay compassionate while still honoring your own needs

This episode is for anyone navigating ethical non monogamy, polyamory, or opening a relationship and feeling stuck around rules, jealousy, or control.

🎧 Listen now and continue the conversation started in Episode 138.

If you want deeper support, learn more about Ellecia’s one-on-one coaching program Breaking Free From Monogamy using the link in the show notes.

Transcript

0:01

So if your partner says things like, "yeah, you can date, but only women." Or, uh, "yeah, we should be polyamorous, but only if we form a triad." It can feel like freedom, but with lots of strings attached. And before you like panic or shut down, I want you to hear this really clearly. Most people don't create these limits because they're trying to control you. They create them because they're scared. And today we're gonna talk about how to navigate this conversation with clarity and compassion and honesty, and without abandoning your own needs or blowing up your relationship, welcome back to, Nope, we're not monogamous. I'm your host, Ellecia Paine, your non-monogamous relationship coach. So happy to see you here. So in the last episode, uh, 1 38, we talked about why dating separately is one of the most transformative tools in non-monogamy. And a lot of you really felt that. But almost immediately, uh, the question that I had over and over is when are you gonna talk about how to talk about this? Right? How do I talk to my partner about this when they are only comfortable with OPP, one penis policy or they only wanna try out or they insist that we date together. And that is what this episode's about. So you can think of this as like the second half of that conversation.'cause it got long, right. Episode th episode 1 38 was The Why Behind Dating Separately, and episode 1 39 is about how to talk to a partner who feels scared of letting go. So let's get into it. when someone insists on rules like, we can only date women. Uh, we can only, let's, let's have a triad or a throuple, or we only date together. Those rules are usually framed as like preferences. That would be ideal. But underneath, they're almost always about some sort of fear. And a lot of the time when someone says they're okay with their partner dating women but not men, what they're really saying is that men feel threatening in a way that women don't. And I get that. Totally. Makes sense to me. However that threat usually has nothing to do with the actual people involved and everything to do with things like comparison, like comparison of bodies or comparison of sexual performance, comparison of masculinity, comparison of worth. There's a fear of being measured, a fear of being replaced, a fear of not being enough. And instead of like talking about that fear, it gets managed through structure. Now, mind you, I am talking for the most part about pretty heteronormative relationships here. Uh, but this can apply to all sorts of structures. Okay. Um, for a lot of relationships opening up, uh, moving into non-monogamy, or even if they've been open for a while and they're just still doing the same thing. It there's this idea that like, if we remove men from the equation, I don't have to face that discomfort. Of course, if we're talking about lesbians here, then men are already removed from the equation and this does not apply to you. Um, but it does apply to a lot of bisexual folks. Absolutely. A lot of pansexual, a lot of queer folks, um, who do date or have sex with men. So when you remove men from the equation, uh, that doesn't remove the fear, right? It. It lets the fear go underground and there is, you know, this other layer that we have to name. When someone feels safer about their partner dating women, part of what's happening is that relationships between women are often not being taken as seriously. There's this assumption, and a lot of times it's totally unconscious. They're unaware of it, but there's this assumption that those relationships are lighter, they're less threatening, they're less capable of real attachment. They're just hot and sexy. And that belief is rooted in homophobia and misogyny even when there's no harm intended. Um, I mean, we could go really deep into this, but probably the deepest I'll go is like the porn industry has made relationships be between women really hot specifically for the male gaze. There's a lot more to it though, right? Relationships between women aren't less real, they're not less intimate. They're not less capable of love or commitment. And when some relationships, right, when, when particular relationships are treated as like real threats and then others aren't, queer connections get minimized. Uh, women partners get treated more like accessories than whole, whole humans. Um, and there there's a really similar pattern that happens with couples who insist on only dating as a triad or a throuple. On the surface, it sounds great. We wanna share everything. Nobody will get left out. We're doing this together. This just improves everybody's lives. But dating together becomes this way to like supervise the intimacy instead of learning how to trust it, right? It's like wanting to stay inside the experience so that nothing feels out of control. If I'm there, nothing can happen that I don't have a part in. But the reality is that triads are not easier than dating separately. They're way more complex. They require more communication, more emotional labor, more responsibility. There are literally more relationships to manage, right? There's the relationship between A and B, the relationship between. A and C, the relationship between B and C, the relationship between all three, like there's a lot of relationships to manage there. So when a triad is treated as the only acceptable structure, it, it's usually not because the couple is ready for that level of complexity. It's because like the autonomy feels a little scarier than coordinating everything or managing our own emotions around it. Uh, and a lot of these, and I do wanna be clear, there's nothing wrong with a triad or a throuple. Okay? I've had a triad for eight years. Nothing wrong with it at all. The issue here is when couples are staying couple centric and adding a person, um, or aren't doing the work to unwind their monogamy. Right. You know, and all of these structures have something in common. They're trying to solve emotional discomfort by limiting their partner's freedoms. And they, they can create a temporary calm, totally, but it doesn't build trust, it doesn't build resilience, and it doesn't build confidence in yourself and your partners. Fear doesn't heal through restriction. It, it heals through understanding, support, skill building, and if a relationship structure depends on avoiding certain people, certain genders or experiences in order to feel safe. Then that safety is absolutely conditional. So this is what tells you where the real work is, right? And that's what we need to talk about next. How to actually have this conversation with your partners in a way that honors both your needs without turning it into a power struggle and a big fight. I, so if you're listening to this and you're feeling a little bit activated right now. I want you to pause for a second. Okay. Because realizing that these rules come from fear and comparison or conditioning can bring up a lot of feelings, defensiveness, guilt, sadness, anger, relief, um, and none of that means that you're doing something wrong. Okay? What matters next isn't judging yourself or your partner. It's really figuring out how to talk about this, how to navigate this without blowing everything up. So we wanna slow it down. Take a deep breath and move into the part that most people actually need the help with. Okay? How do you have this conversation in a way that builds understanding instead of creating a power struggle? Because this is where things get real. You're curious about non-monogamy, or you've opened up your relationship. You've been talking about it for years. You're doing it. You want more freedom, you want more connection. And your partner's saying yes, but only on a very specific box. Only women. Only together only a triad. And suddenly things feel a little bit tighter, a little bit more restrictive. And the most important thing to know is that this conversation doesn't start with convincing your partner that they're wrong, okay? That's not how you do it. If you lead with logic, labels, accusations, you're gonna lose them. So what you wanna start with is curiosity, like real curiosity. Because rules like a one penis policy or forced triads, always have something underneath them. And instead of debating the structure, let's slow the conversation down and get curious about what actually feels unsafe. what part of dating separately feels scary? What does it bring up? What do they imagine might happen? What do you imagine might happen? What stories show up when they picture you connecting with someone else? What stories show up when you picture them connecting with someone else? Right. Okay. You're not trying to corner them. What we're looking for here is understanding. A lot of people have never said these fears out loud. They've built rules around them. They've talked about theories and ideals. Um, but unspoken fear tends to run the relationship, and at the same time, your experience matters, right? Being understanding doesn't mean disappearing yourself, making yourself smaller, making yourself fit in there. So alongside being curious, you also need to be honest. Okay. Not accusing, not giving ultimatums, but just like real honesty. What does forming a relationship with this kind of structure cost you? Does it limit who you're allowed to connect with? Does it prevent you from building your own relationships? Does it make you feel managed smaller? Less trusted. And the same goes for your partner, right? Because this isn't a one way street. But, but if, if you are, if you are like, uh, I only want to do everything together because I am terrified that I'm gonna be replaced, where is that? Putting your partner. Okay. And naming these things isn't like selfish. It is essential. Right, because any structure that only works if one of you is shrinking is not sustainable. That relationship is not sustainable if you aren't showing up, honestly. So when the conversation slows down enough and the real fear is given a chance to show up, fear of being replaced, fear of comparison, fear of not being enough, fear of not knowing how to handle jealousy. Like totally human fears, okay? Those are gonna show up, but we can't make rules. I mean, you can make rules, but those rules aren't going to heal what's under the fear, right? They will manage behavior, but they don't leave you in, in an authentic relationship with each other. Fear gets healed through reassurance and connection and emotional skills and self-trust, This is where it can help to shift the conversation away from permission and towards capacity. What can we hold? So instead of what am I allowed to do, try, what skills do we need so we can handle this together? Right? What's, okay, what's within our rules? How about can we learn how to sit with jealousy? Can we build better repair after hard conversations, hard emotional moments. Can we, mm, can we create agreements that support our sense of safety without controlling each other? This is where collaboration becomes this healthy thing instead of self abandoning compromise. Slow down. Go even slower than that. Check in more often. Get support, build your emotional tools before you add more people into your relationship. And there, there might also be a moment where you need to get really clear about your values, right? Because you can honor someone's fears without letting that dictate the entire structure of your relationship. So if you have a partner who's completely unwilling to explore anything beyond OPP, beyond a one penis policy, beyond, uh, having a forced triad or dating as a couple, as a unit, then that's really important information that's data for you. And it doesn't mean your relationship is over or incompatible, but it does mean that there's a lot of deeper conversations to be had about alignment and autonomy and what kind of non-monogamy you're actually building. This isn't about trying to win an argument, okay? This is asking much bigger questions together. Are we building a relationship that grows through trust and self-work, or one that stays intact by limiting each other's freedom? Because the structures matter. Yes. But the foundation, the emotional foundation you build underneath them matters so much more. And that's what, that's what helps you determine whether this becomes, uh, something expansive and life giving or something that slowly suffocates both of you and your relationship, right? These are big conversations to have and you gotta keep having them. So in episode 1 38, we talked about why dating separately matters and, and then today, this episode is about what to do when your partner is scared of that autonomy. Because wanting to have freedom does not make you selfish, and feeling afraid doesn't make your partner controlling, but you're standing at the edge at the precipice of major relational growth, and that alone is terrifying. Right. If you're opening up because like sex with other people sounds hot, it totally is. But also digging a little deeper. If you're opening up because there's something missing in your relationship and one person shouldn't meet all of our needs. That's true. One person should not meet all of our needs. That's, we are communal creatures. Um, but also what else is happening in your relationship that you're opening up and only wanting to do everything together? If you can let your partner, let, quote unquote, if you can let your partner have a social life without you, why can't you let them have, um, a sexual or romantic life without you? You don't have to. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying like, talk about these things, right? If your whole goal is just like straight up is swinging. Great. Do that. Totally. That's totally okay. But if your goal is to be polyamorous, let's dig in a little deeper. Okay. Rules are gonna create this temporary sense of calm, but trust creates last lasting safety and trust comes from learning how to stay connected when all of this discomfort shows up. This was real quick, real short, but if this episode stirred something for you, that's not a problem. That's the work. You don't have to rush, you don't have to force anything. You don't have to like abandon yourself like, like this is the only possible way I can have non-monogamy. No, keep going back to the drawing board and if these conversations feel bigger than what you can hold alone, bigger than what you can do alone, this is the kind of work I do in my coaching programs. And we look at the conditioning, you inherited the fears that keep, that keep repeating over and over and over, right? And we build the internal wholeness, the inter internal security that makes non-monogamy feel grounded instead of chaotic. Uh, the links in the show notes. So you can go to Elleciapaine.com. I would love to walk this journey with you. So if this episode resonated. Like subscribe, follow, like, leave a review. It helps more people find the show. I appreciate the crap outta you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for staying curious. Thank you for continuing to learn and thank you for being willing to question the structures that you've been handed. See you next time. Bye.