How To Stop Comparing Your Path To Others

In today's episode of the Soulfully You Podcast, Coach Chris Rodriguez explores how comparison can kill joy and motivation.

Through personal stories and insights from therapist Bea Authur, learn how Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) and social media exacerbates this issue and practical strategies for living a more mindful and present life.

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Transcript

0:05

Hey friend, welcome to the soulfully you podcast with coach Chris Rodriguez. I'm a movement and mindset coach, and I believe in a deeper way of living a more soulful way of being. Join me each week for conversations about how to put a little more soul It's our work, our relationships, and our every day lives.

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Years ago, right after college. Me and a few friends, lived in the same apartment complex. Our apartment had a pool, so our friends would come over. One day, I'm sitting at my kitchen table, and I see. Uh, a friend of my friends. And at the edge of the pool with our feet in the water and her phone. in her hand. This is in the early days of Instagram and I'm opening my phone. And scrolling through and I see this beautifully curated picture of this girl with her feet in the water. with some, summer vibes hashtag. And I'm looking at her. And I'm looking at my phone and I'm seeing this happen in real time.

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As I'm looking at how ordinary. This moment is I could imagine people looking at this picture and thinking it's more glamorous than it actually is

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It's easy to compare your life, your circumstances. Your world, to the life of other people. And this is something that I've talked about before, but it's worth revisiting. Comparison will kill your joy. Your motivation, and your soulfulness. But don't take my word for it. Check out with therapists. Bea Author has to say about it.

TEDX- Bea Authur: 2:09

I've worked with all sorts of clients. As young as 6 and as mature as 67. And, one thing that I've seen that's really consistent across all ages and races and socioeconomic statuses is this. FOMO. Oh good, yes, y'all know what it is. Now, for people who don't, I promise it's a thing, but people who don't know what it is, FOMO stands for Fear of Missing Out. So, what does that look like? It could be, like, missing out on a party that everyone else is at, or feeling like you're missing out on dating better people, or looking at vacation photos instead of slowly freezing to death every single weekend. FOMO. But what it really is, is missing out on something better that you think you should have. Now, I've truly seen this at every level. Kids always think they deserve better toys. Teenagers always want better clothes. Millennials always want better soy milk, or I don't know. We're figuring it out, what we want. But basically what it boils down to is you end up comparing what you have to what you don't have. So to me, what Lomo really is is a mofo. What a jerk, right? What a bastard. This mindset makes you feel like whatever you're doing is never enough. It makes you feel like a sense like your life is lacking. It causes you to grade your happiness and even your value against those of others. Now the reason that there's a name for this in the first place is because we're seeing this so much more now. And that's because of social media. Which is unfortunate because Facebook started out as something, a way to keep up with people that you like. But it slowly turned into a way to keep up with people that you now kind of resent. Right? You're always like, well, who's She gets it. Because you really, you go on there to see like, who's where and who's married now, who's rich now. You know, and I'm not immune to it either. Um, you know, it's been so cold this winter and I'm super busy lately. And so if I find the courage and the conviction to get up and go to the gym, I am so thrilled. I am so, if I didn't like this poll, I am so proud of myself that I reward myself with a breakfast burrito. It's, you know, it's counterproductive, but it's my thing. Don't judge me. And um, I, you know, I'm just so proud of myself and I'm glad that I get to, you know, take care of my body and take care of myself. So, one day I Instagrammed it and I was being silly and I hash grammed it and said fitness life, you know? And, and I saw that a friend of mine had also hash tagged fitness life. She too had been finding the courage and the conviction to go to the gym in the cold. And she Instagrammed a picture of her acceptance letter to run the New York City Marathon. So now me and my burrito feel great. You know, and that's what happens with FOMO. Let me go back to that one. Your happiness becomes a moving target. Something that made you so happy and so proud will now make you feel like a loser as soon as you plug yourself into that spreadsheet. And it's not just silly goals, right? Like, I have, I'm still a private practice therapist. And I once worked with a really brilliant professor, he was a professor at a top university, not as good as Wake Forest, of course. But, still pretty good, it was alright. It could have been a good university in New York. And, um, what he came to me for was he was finally up for tenure, and he was really, really excited about it. He'd been working on it for ages, there was only one spot that year. Um, and so the reason we started working together was because he had developed insomnia. He was actually really stressing out about the possibility of not getting this one spot. Um, what was worse was that the department heads were making, being really secretive about the entire decision making process. Um, and the worst part was, because of all the secrecy and the extended process, like, the community of professors, the environment among them became really tense and kind of competitive, so we'd also lost his support network. So our work together was really focused on mood management and relaxation techniques, just things to get him to be able to sleep because the stress was really getting to him. Um, and it worked for a little bit, but he still couldn't let it go. However, the great news was, he did get the spot. He had worked really hard, super brilliant, and he was really excited. He called me immediately, and I have never, honestly, in my entire life, had ever felt that much joy and that much relief. He was so, so happy. But in our very next session, he was distraught. He was so upset. And he said it was because one of his colleagues, who was a good friend, Really didn't like the way the administration had handled it and, you know, just the stress and the extended, like, uncertainty just decided he's, decided he was done with the stress and he quit teaching altogether. Now, my client, who had literally never even considered this once and was so neurotic and so razor focused on this goal, was thinking of turning down that job based on this other person's choice, based on what he thought might be a better path. And that's what the culture of comparison does. It causes you to grade your own choices against other people. But I can tell you that nothing else in this world will make you more confused and paralyzed than basing your own opinions and choices on those of other people. We actually call this analysis paralysis. So often when you're trying to make a decision and you can't figure out how What you want to do exactly. And you know, these are major life decisions, whether it's after you graduate, what you want to do going forward, what, who you should date. When it's time to make that decision, we can get stuck. So it's natural to want to look to our peers and to the media to kind of make an informed decision about that. But it's a mistake. It's a mistake because nothing will lead you closer to unhappiness than operating out of obligation. And that means feeling like you should do something. And so here's why. The best place to look, instead of looking around, is looking within. But our culture actively avoids talking about our feelings and our emotions.

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Over the past few years of doing the work that I do and my career, it's put me around some really dope people, people I admire who have become my friends, thought leaders and influencers. Hundreds of thousands of followers. And it's beautiful that these are my friends, but also my colleagues that I get to work with. But I'm not that. I'm me in my little world and I've made some choices in my family, in my life to live a certain way and to prioritize certain things. The big thing is prioritizing family, prioritizing raising my son. In a way that when I work, when I put something out in the world, it is not at the expense of the time that I can spend with him. What that does is, it makes the process of my work take a lot longer. The creative putting out content, it takes a lot longer. I can't take some of the engagements and opportunities that are happening, maybe in other states in other countries where I have contacts and I have people who are like, Chris, let's do this. Let's work together. As I'm watching some of my other friends doing. Retreats at Echelon and Croatia and all these places. And I'm here in my simple life, recording a podcast while my son is napping. This idea of playing somebody else's game for your own life It's something that speaks to...... me. Because while I'm so busy looking at somebody else, I can miss out on the beautiful moments, the beautiful choices that I made and the life that I'm living that other people will look at and think is the dream. I think about a moment I had a couple of days ago where I got up, ate breakfast with the family. We went on a walk in the neighborhood. Then we did a workout while our son was watching Daniel the tiger. Then I took him on a bike ride. He took a nap and then I worked. And then I took him to the beach. I get to do that because I chose to live my life a certain way. But saying yes to one thing can close the door to everything else. And sometimes we second guess the beautiful meaningful yes that we made because we're too busy looking at somebody else's choices. To live a certain way so that they can have certain things. And do certain things. For me, what I found is. One of the reasons that. Me and others compare ourselves is because there is a societal lack of vulnerability around both our suffering and our joy. Now, vulnerability is not something that you give to everybody, but I'm talking about in the middle of the circles you run in, right? Those core people. Sometimes we try to put on a face to make it seems like things are going better than they are Toxic positivity, right on the other end of it This lacking vulnerability with our joy So We hold our joy so close to our vest we have this idea that joy. Cannot exist in the midst of struggle and suffering.

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So the only thing we show and the only thing we share are the highlights of the exciting moments. but we never let people in to the joyful. Beautiful mundane moments. That happened every day. In the middle of all the messiness of life.

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Another reason. I find that we compare our life to the lives of other people. Is because we don't have an imagination. That somebody could understand. Or. Be a container to hold. Our pain. When I think about the concept of pain in general. And all of the people. Who walk around with chronic pain. They don't complain about it. They've just learn how to deal with it and manage it as a normal part of their life. I think this is true with emotional pain. I think a lot of us walk around with emotional pain. And. Whether it's because we've had bad experiences with sharing that pain with other people and they didn't know what to do with it. Sharing it to the wrong people. Or just assuming. That. Because other people aren't open about their own pain. That they wouldn't understand what we're going through. One thing that's ironic about. The way we compare ourselves to other people's lives. Is even though. Our comparison is to something or someone external outside of ourselves. Comparison is not something that connects you to someone else. When I think about. What you have and wanting what you have. It doesn't draw me closer to you. It actually draws a wedge. In our relationship. So what are some ways that you can foster this ability in your life to not compare yourself, to. Other people's path, but live according to your own. One practice is a practice that I hear from guests a lot on this podcast. When I asked them what's one soulful practice. And it's. To be in the present moment and whatever you're doing. It's hard for me to compare myself to you and what's going on with you. If I'm right here. Grounded. And the things that I'm doing. Some of the best ways to ground yourself in the present moment is. To connect. With the physical space of where you are. Every day, one of my practices. With my son is I take them on a bike ride. And any time we pass a truck or any time a plane goes by overhead. My son points and. Makes some noise. Gets excited. I'm with him. Right there. I stay connected. I stay grounded to his voice. As I'm moving on the bike. I'm staying connected to my heart rate. I'm staying connected to my breathing. I'm trying to be mindful on the road to be aware of what's going on around me. You can practice being present through mindful movement, but you can also practice being present in whatever. You're doing. Mindful eating. Mindful setting. Mindful conversations or just being with the person. Or the people in your life. Another practice that. Can help you. To stop comparing yourself to other people. Is. It's a foster empathy. And your own life. If the assumption is I can't imagine. Somebody else. Understanding. Comprehending the depth of my pain. Of my sorrow, my suffering. Then maybe. Trying to develop. Uh, practice and an imagination to have empathy for somebody else. will give you the space and the perspective. That others have the capacity to have that for you. And the more I have empathy for you, the less I envy you. And the more. I accept that you can have empathy for me. The less, I feel the need to escape my life. To become somebody else. And to walk somebody else's path. Because you're with me.

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And for the last practice to help you stop comparing your path to others. I'm going to let B author share that one with you.

TEDX- Bea Authur: 16:30

Sometimes you see a constant cycle of good intention, and then failure, and then guilt. And so it's easy to get stuck and not work towards things. But I, the reason, feel that the reason that you're in this cycle in the first place is because a lot of these goals that you're failing at And again, that's what happens when you're really caught up in the chaos of the cultural comparison. You're going out by other people's timelines, other people's standards, and other people's desires. It's so important to look within. So sometimes it's competition is another form of comparison. And that can be healthy, it's really good to set your standard to people that you like and respect. But there are definitely destructive elements to that too. So I think a better goal Is alignment. So alignment is when your person is aligned with your purpose. And that's a really great place to be, because when you are in alignment, all the other comparison and competition of noise doesn't matter even a little bit. When you are aligned, none of that stuff even matters. You look ahead to your path and the person that you want to be, you see it and you walk towards that. And nothing can take you off of it. Any other distractions or discouragement or naysayers, you are going to ignore. Because when you are in alignment, you really believe and you can see what you're trying to achieve. So I really want to encourage all of you to live and feel the same way. Even when it gets uncomfortable or hard, and it is going to get hard, but if you see it through, it's going to be worth it. Live above the noise, live above the chaos of the culture of noise. Block out all the worry and the anxiety and the impatience that comes from worrying about what other people are doing, those things are only holding your desires away from you.

18:15

Thank you for listening to the Soulfully You Podcast with Coach Chris Rodriguez. If you like the show, help others find me by subscribing and leaving a review on your favorite podcast platform. And don't forget to connect with me on Instagram at Coach Chris Rodriguez. For more episodes along with all of my coaching programs, visit me@www.coach chris rodriguez.com Special. Thanks to my team behind the scenes, music by Dan Smith and remember, whatever you do, wherever you find yourself today, make sure you put some soul in it.