Just Do the Thing. Or not.

Trigger warning: car crashes

In this episode, Kat talks about graduation, Sliding Doors, cat beverages, and just doing the thing, even if it takes you almost twenty years. “Surprise” guests Lucy, Aylah, and Lilly.

Check out the links below to see the super-rad iPad case she got, as well as the IMDb page for the Gwyneth Paltrow movie Sliding Doors.

iPad case: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1300635345/tarot-cat-magic-purple-ipad-air-case?transaction_id=4130875079&campaign_label=buyer_delivery_notification&email_sent=1719347196&euid=YIbxRKrp56_ul_dNkVRkmdiKWEJT&eaid=728008533&x_eaid=b44f10de2f

Sliding Doors: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120148/?ref_=ext_shr_lnk

Transcript

0:01

Greetings and salutations. Welcome to Sorry, That's My Inside Voice. I'm your host, Kat Garcia, and today we've got a lot to talk about. But before we get to that, I've got some updates. So, I am getting ready to start putting out episodes more regularly. Um, I know, I've said that, but it's not depress y express y right now. So, we're gonna do what we can while we can. So, you will be, um, seeing, hopefully, with slightly more frequency, new episodes. Uh, solo episodes with me, and by solo I mean, obviously, the cats will be here. And then, also, I'm hoping some guest episodes. I've got some awesome humans lined up to come and chat with me about mental health, uh, pets, dogs. Thanks career path changes and all sorts of stuff. Lucy isn't excited about that career path change, by the way. She just, like, looked at me and went, meh. So, we'll see what we can make happen. But that's coming up in the next, you know, chunk of time. I'm also going to start posting, um, a Q& A before each episode, um, like the week before each episode, so that you guys can participate, because Your participation helps me keep going and talking about the things you want to hear about, aside from all the random shit in my own head. Which, obviously, you don't mind listening to, because 807 downloads since January 1st, 2023, says you're definitely listening. So, ah ha, squee! That's awesome. Um. The other thing I'm gonna start trying to do regularly is blog posts on, uh, the podcast website. Speaking of which, go check it out. So the website is, sorry, that's by inside voice.com. You can find us on veb on the internet. Um, make sure you're following our socials. So we are on Instagram at, sorry, that's my inside voice. No punctuation included. And Facebook. There is punctuation in Facebook. So it's sorry, that's my inside voice, you can definitely find us in all of those. Um, but yes, I'm excited about, about the question of the week. Um, I'm coming up with a list of questions. Do I have one right now? Yes, but it involves the topic of conversation today. So, so we will definitely, we will definitely get there. Um, but I'm really excited. Like, actually excited. And I'm still trying to do that thing where I don't, like, super edit. So, you'll hear lots of the funny sounds, like the Stuff like that. Me mimicking the cats, or at least relaying their messages to you if they're not close enough for you to hear them. Yeah, no, it's good. It's good. One of my projects this summer is to get my office usable again, so we'll We'll see how that goes But now that we've got all those super fun updates and all that jazz done Let's get going. So the question that I want to ask you and This is just because I didn't post a question already this week. Oh look Ayla realized that I was doing something. She has come to join me Oh joy. Hello. Would you like to say hello to the people? No, she would like to wash her front left foot. Sorry. Uh, Um, So, so the thing we're talking about today, I want to talk about, uh, is, is graduation. This is, if you've been following along on the, the internets, uh, this is the, the 45 minute recording that I lost Um, when testing out new recording, different ways of recording for my phone. So, we're changing it up. I've done some tests. This is on my new fancy iPad. It's the cutest case. Oh my gosh, it's cute. It's got purple, it's got cats, it's got magic. It's so good. Yes, I'll send you a picture. And I will link it to the Etsy shop that I got it from, cause it's super cute. Any who's old. So, today, we're gonna talk about, like, graduation and, like, coming to the end of a thing. So, my question for you is, what is the last thing you graduated from? Or the last, like, big thing that you finished? And how did you feel afterwards? I think that's the thing that we get stuck on is people are like, Oh my gosh, you did the thing! It's like, yeah, but now how do I feel about it? So, um, you can respond to that, um, in many ways. You can respond to it on Facebook, you can send me a message, you can send me a message on the Instagrams, you can even respond through the website. There is a commentee section, so please, please, please do that, I'd love to hear your answers. Um, so for me, I'm at this interesting spot in life where I am a month away from finally being done with my bachelor's degree, and I'm very excited about that. Counter to the tone of my voice, I am excited about being done, mostly because it's just like ongoing and exhausting, and I'm really ready. Um, and It's interesting because, so graduation happened, uh, June 14th, right around there, whatever that Saturday was, and I have mixed feelings about graduation for a number of reasons. So I did not walk across the stage at graduation in June. I could have, because I was close enough. They're like, you can totally walk at graduation. I'm like, no, hard pass. Thank you. I'm good. I did that already because I did. When I was going back to school the second time, this has happened a few times, um, I was doing it online and my brother was graduating with his first master's. I say first because he has two. He is an adorably tall overachiever and I love him. And his, and his cat. Oh, oh, ghosty is so cute. But I digress. So my brother was graduating and my, uh, my then sister in law was kind of in charge of approving people to walk at graduation, blah, blah, blah, whatever. And she was leaving that job at the end of, at the end of the term. And so she's like, hey, you want to walk? And I'm like, oh, can I? She's like, oh yeah, I can totally make that happen. And she did. So was I close to graduating at that time? I mean, kinda. If by close we mean at some point in the next couple of years at that point, sure. Totally. Totally. But, regardless, I have some amazing pictures of my brother and I in our cap and gown, backstage before graduation, grinning like idiots, having a blast. We had a joint graduation party, all of our family and friends, it was, it was awesome. My godson. Um, appropriated my graduation balloons because they were Laloons and he wanted it. Uh, I was like, alright, go for it, kid. So when it came to, when it came to this graduation, I was like, no, I, I did that. I did like the big graduation part. Oh, I'm done. That was fine. That was fun. I looked super cute. I loved that dress I was in. I'll see if I can find a picture. Uh, cause I like super cute like pink heels. I look great. Can I wear that dress now? No, I cannot, but that's a conversation for another eon. But, you know, I, I will probably celebrate my final finishing of my degree once it's happened. Um, But just going to graduation felt really anticlimactic. So I didn't go. I didn't invite anybody, I did not say, Hey, I'm walking, like, none of that. Um, my apartment, where I have dwelled for many, many moons, is right across from, from campus. And I just opened the windows and I can hear graduation happening. I can also hear sporting events. and at track meets they do a nice loud air horn so I can hear that too. Um, at one point my roommate and I, this was probably the first couple years we lived here, uh, with our friends were graduating because it happens in June and it's hot AF and neither of us wanted to get over sunned and I didn't want to turn into a lobster we would just open the front window sit here in our living room, watch TV, listen for when graduation was done, and then we'd make our way over to campus and see everybody afterwards. It worked really well and no one got too warm. But I just, I was not feeling it. I was like, nope, that's not, I don't want that recognition for this thing. And I sat with that for a while and I'm like, why? Like, you know, like, why don't, aside from the normal reasons, like, I don't like being the center of attention, which is hilarious, I know, because I have a podcast in which it's mostly just me talking to the room, or the cats, or what have you. Um, but I, I'm, I'm not a fan of being the center of attention, usually. Um, I I don't like being hot and sticky. And it would have been hot and sticky. And I didn't want to do that. And It wasn't It wasn't meaningful to me. When I graduated before Well, I say when I graduated. When I walked at graduation before, that was meaningful. It was meaningful because Not necessarily because of my accomplishments, because I was still, like, a year and a half ish from being done. Done, done. You know, quote unquote done. Air quotes! But, it was meaningful because I got to walk in the same ceremony as my, my little brother. Granted, he hasn't been little in, like, 20 years. But he's still my little brother. So I got to walk At the same ceremony as him, we got to have these really wonderful moments backstage. Um, and I cherish those. My grandparents were able to see me graduate. Um, and my grandpa has since passed. So that was really, looking back, that was really impactful. And it was something I got to I got to share with my family who were all so excited for me to go to college. Um, for me to, to have this big accomplishment under my belt to do all these things. And so I don't want to, I don't want to diminish that experience. Not that it would, because It still happened. I still walked at graduation. Had I walked in June, um, okay, technically it's still June because I'm recording this on the 30th, but it's getting released like not today, maybe today, whatever. I didn't walk in 2024 because walking now, it, it doesn't have the same impact for me. It doesn't have the same meaning. And there are a couple different reasons I've been sitting with this, and one is when I walked before, it was to celebrate a family thing. It was something, it was celebrating something that other people wanted for me, and like kind of the, the crossing the finish line of, of an expectation that was set. Because for me, neither of my parents graduated from college. My mom did some college courses. My dad, as soon as he was, graduated from high school, um, went straight into working on the railroad. And, he hates that song, by the way. To this day, if you sing, I've Been Working on the Railroad, Mmm, George has got some feelings about that. But, But, yeah, so, so, for me to go to college, I was like, it was a big deal. My grandpa and my grandma both had gone to college, um, at varying points during, during life, um, but growing up, the expectation was that my brother and I would both graduate from high school and go straight to college. Like, there was not. There were not additional options presented to us, like that was just what we were going to do. And so that was the expectation. And it was At the beginning of like the, you know, when I was still in high school and like getting ready to do the college thing and like, I was like, okay, yeah, that's a reasonable expectation. I can finish in two years. Four years, maybe five, because that's like the new normal. But yeah, no, it'll be great. And I'm gonna be a teacher. I'm gonna do all these things. That all got really derailed the summer after I graduated from high school. Um, TLDR, big car accident, uh, that I witnessed involving my mom, my dad, my mom's mom and my brother. They were in a car. They were t-boned at 50 miles an hour. Coming off of a. Uh, off of I 2 0 5 in Portland. And so that derailed life for a long, very long time. Um, everyone was fine. Everyone, I mean, every, by fine. I mean, everyone survived. Everyone walk was able to basically walk away. Um, but that really, really threw me off. Um. For a very, very, very long time. To the point where, yeah, I'd been accepted to college. And I had, we'd figured out, like, Okay, I'm gonna be a hall host, I'm not gonna have a roommate. Like, all of these things. Oh, I'm gonna take these classes, and then I'm gonna do this, and blah, blah, blah. All these things. As soon as the car accident happened, that all kind of, everything just stopped. And for a long time. Um. My family was, was worried that I was going to defer and not go to school right away. Um, part of me now, looking back, um, 18 years, by the way, it has been 18 years, um, kind of wishes I had, there's a part of me that definitely wishes that I had just said no, said I'm not ready to do that. I'm just going to sit here and just. Um, I'm very, very thankful every single day that I did not, because if I had, I wouldn't be sitting here recording this podcast. I wouldn't be sitting here in an apartment in Monmouth that I have lived in for almost 15 years. I would not have built this life that I love, um, I wouldn't have the amazing friends and family. Around me that I do right now. I wouldn't have the relationships. I do because my life would have taken a different turn This totally is gonna make me tangent and you're just gonna have to suck it up and deal with it or fast forward an untold number Of seconds, but it it makes me think now now thinking back about it. Have you ever seen Have you ever seen the Gwyneth Paltrow movie, Sliding Doors? It came out in the 90s and it's, um, at the time I hadn't seen it, which is fine, but it's basically it follows a woman who, and you see what happens if she catches the train, the subway, if she catches the the subway, or if she misses the subway train. So you, you get to see kind of parallel How her life would be different and the same If one had happened and the other had not um I think if i'd seen this at the time it would have made me absolutely crazy because I existed very much so in this world of What if what if this what if what if I What if I had gotten off the freeway first? What if I had been driving my mom's car instead of my dad's pickup truck? Um, what if we weren't going to a family event that night? None of us would have been on there. Like, all of these things, right? Because your brain is great at coming up with what if scenarios. Especially when you're coping with trauma and stress. I'm pausing because I'm drinking some tea. Mm hmm. The tea is really good. The cats are freaking out because they just got home. Uh, for those of you who will ask, I am drinking Stash Super Irish Breakfast, and you know there is heavy whipping cream and sugar in that. Yes, it's so good! Um, but, like, thinking about it now, that I was in the exactly the place where if I had done one thing differently my life would have changed. It would not be what it is now. Um, so if you haven't had a chance to go watch, to watch Sliding Doors ever, you should. It's streaming somewhere because that's the world we live in. Um, but anyhow, I, I chose to go to start school in September. and dealt with the ramifications of that choice for a very, very long time. And thank God for therapy. Um, it's been great over the years. My therapist right now, I've talked about her on the podcast a number of times, but I love her. Um, the first, the first, it's funny when, when I was younger, but after the car accident, it's funny, my life feels like when I talk about it. is divided in before the car accident, so BCA and ACA, like before and after. God, it's so funny. Um, but when I started seeing my therapist, it was when I was going through like crisis because my marriage was starting to fall apart. Well, starting. Um, and so she didn't know about the car accident, this very defining moment and event in my life until like a year after we met. And she's like, wait, what? I'm like, oh, that's fine. Don't worry about it. Um, But, going back, so, when I went to college, as a, like, straight from high school to college freshman, um, I did that because that was the expectation. That my grandparents had, that my parents had, that my teachers and my friends had. Like, that was the expectation. You graduated, you went to college. I didn't know that trade or technical schools were an option. I didn't know, I mean, I don't, I don't do blood. I don't do needles. The fact that I got a tattoo is shocking. Um, but, None of these were really presented as options. That was not an option. Going to college was the option. And so I did. Yeah. And, you know, that was all sorts of interesting. I was doing the math and I started college in September of 2006. Happy birthday to me. Uh, So I was 19. I started college when I was 19. I'm gonna graduate. I'm gonna be done in August 2024. It's almost 18 years. It took me 18 years to get what typically was a four year degree. But the important thing about this is I'm doing it on my terms this time by my own choice. Nobody else's and That's really powerful Because I've this is not the first time I have attempted to go back to school to finish my my bachelor's degree This is, in fact, like the third time, fourth time, third time, third time I've done this. And the other two times, it was not successful. The first time, when I walked, um, I, I did some classes. I think I did like a year and change of classes, and it was fine, but I wasn't feeling it. It wasn't. It wasn't the right choice for me at that time, and I didn't know that. The second time I decided to try was, like many people, during COVID. I decided to try, and for some reason in my head, it just, well, you have to start, if you're going to start school again, you have to do it in the fall, because that's just what you do, right? I love brains. They're so fun. But Yeah, so I decided to go back to school in fall 2020 online. I'm like, this will be great. I'll be done in like a year and a half, two years, excuse me, like done done. I was not aware at the time of how anxious and depressed I was, and I did not see, or wasn't willing to see. that my marriage was failing. Um, so, I took some classes fall term, and my partner was like, Yeah, yeah, do that. Not supportive at all, actually, when it came down to it. And, I was super, super depressed. I don't know if you've tried to do things when you're super depressed or anxious, but it doesn't usually pan out or go well. And this was what happened with me. Um, And I always thought that it was, it was because I wasn't trying hard enough or I didn't want it enough and everyone was going to be disappointed in me and, um, ashamed that I, you know, was in my thirties and, and I. hadn't finished my bachelor's degree. I've been very fortunate, I will say, I've been very fortunate in that my family has never made me feel pressured or rushed to finish my degree. It's a weird kind of dynamic there. The expectation is that you finish, but they were never pushy or pressuring about when that happened. Uh, for which I am very thankful. I remember having a conversation with my grandma once, and it was I was not in school at the time. And, I told her, I'm like, I just, I want to be done. I just, I want to be done. And she's like, you know, when it's the right time, you will be. And it took me a long time to get my, you know, to, to finish up my school and then do my master's program and all the, there's no, there's no actual timeline for when you do those things. I'm like, okay. So I'm very fortunate in that regard. I have not been pressured in that way. Um, Which, you know, looking back, I super appreciate. But, You know, going, Going from Ailey, you cannot come over here and walk on the iPad. Why? Because I'm recording on the iPad. And I think that's the problem last time. So make your biscuits over there. She's watching Lucy and Noodle on a dinner date. That's what's happening. Um, but this time, basically the moral of this part of the story is, I finished spring term with the, with two B's. It's probably the best term I've had in God knows how long. I mean, I could go look and tell you actually how long. Not that I'm God, but I could. Um, and the big difference this time is that it is entirely on my terms. It is only because I wanted to. It's the most convenient option imaginable. I have online classes and I have an in person portion of that. It's a hybrid. I have to be on campus one day a week. Campus is like It's like 10 feet from the end of my driveway. And there it is. I walk like two blocks and I get to class. And it's manageable, and it's happening, and it all just kind of fell into place. And sometimes that's what happens. Sometimes the universe is like, Okay, I lined this stuff up. And you listen. And you do it. And this time, I'm starting, I started in the spring. I started spring term. I've never started school, really, I don't think, in the spring. I've started in, like, summer. Mostly in the fall. But apparently spring is where it's at. Um, I have to take, I'm in summer term right now. And August 2nd is the end of that. And then I'm done. It is, it is the best possible scenario for me, setup wise, school wise. I am the healthiest and most stable I have been with my depression and anxiety in the last ten years, I think. And for the first time, my education choice is not driven by By anybody else's expectations. It's not because anybody has said, Well, there's Cat, she's still not done. She's gonna be dead by the time she is. None of that. It's like, nobody said that. To be clear, nobody said that. I'm just, you know, ha ha, I'm so funny. But, I'm doing it because it felt right. like the right time for me. It actually felt like the right time. Everything lined up so perfectly. I could not have planned it if I had tried to, and I have in fact tried to plan it, and it has never worked. But it is now. It's only taking me, taking me 18 years, five cats, one divorce, and, I mean, like, seven or eight moves, but then I've just stayed in one place for most of that time. But it's happening. And that is why I'm not, I didn't walk at graduation. Because that, to me that wouldn't have meaning in the way that walking I don't even know, 10 years ago? Whenever that was? It wouldn't have the same impact today as it did then because that was for other people and I'm so thankful I'm so thankful that I walked at that graduation and I got to have those memories with my brother and I got to see my grandparents and my aunts and uncles and my friends and my family and feel that love and support and that cheering and then when I didn't actually finish there was no like oh you lied none of that everyone was like you had a great graduation party that was super fun you'll get there you'll get there and I am And I am I'm getting there and so So to me, it's the getting to the end at this point that is what I will celebrate. It's probably the most expensive piece of paper that I'm going to own for a little while. Um, but it's, it's happening because I wanted it for myself, not for anybody else. It's, it's just, it's a thing that I Wanted to finish. More than I think i've ever wanted to finish a knitting project ever Which is saying something Because there have been some projects i'm like jesus god just be done But i'm I'm glad I didn't walk This year I'm excited to be done with school and I remind myself This is just this is just finishing the step before the next step. Because the next step will be grad school. Because then I can like, get my license, my counseling license, and actually tell you guys stuff. And be like, this is my professional opinion. I can give you my unprofessional opinion now. But, you know, I'm not licensed to do that. Liability and all that stuff. So if you're, I guess if you're, you're at a point where you're like, I feel Like something's incomplete? That's okay. If you want to complete it, complete the thing. If it's painting a wall, if it's, you know, finally running a marathon. God, don't do that. I mean, unless you really want to run a lot, because it's what, 26. 2 miles? No! I don't want to do anything for 26. 2 miles. I mean, except drive in my car and listen to music or a podcast. But I don't want to walk that far. I don't want to bike that far. I'm not running any distance. But if you choose to do that, I love and support you. I'm just not joining you. If there are things that you want to accomplish and you feel like you're Lily, I'm trying to have, like, a moment. If you could stop scratching at my couch, that would be great. Thank you. Sorry. Children. But honestly, if there are things where you're like, You know what? I should finish that. Finish it! Finish it if you want to. Are you finishing it for you, or are you finishing it for somebody else? I don't know if any of this is making sense. I keep getting distracted by cats. But, this is the thing that, like, I've been thinking about for at least two months. Like, figuring out that I was doing this for myself was a huge aha moment for me. And it, it made it so much easier. I don't know why, but it did. It's not something I don't know. It's just, it's not, it's not something, I guess, that I actually thought would happen. But I'm proud of myself that it is. So be proud of yourself for the things you're doing. Your friends and family. I hope they will woohoo for you, not like woohoos like Sims. Cause that's definitely R rated. Yeah, but I hope they're supporting you and cheering you on and whatever the thing is that you're finishing, you're thinking about finishing, you're pre pre pre contemplative about thinking about it. Like, whatever it is, I hope you have that support. Because that's been one of the best things for me this time. Stop drinking my tea, Lily! It's my tea. They like creamy tea. I can't help them. But having supportive family and friends have made this so much easier. And having people around me who understand that me saying, I can't, I have to do homework, is, is real. And they're supportive. They're like, Nope, go do that. Do you need, do you need, uh, do you need a body double? Do you need just someone to come stay with you? Cause we can do that. That's happened. Or I will go to someone's house and just do my homework and be like, Just, I'm gonna ignore you at your own house. I hope you have that support. And I hope you have the confidence in yourself to do the thing. I don't care what the thing is. If it's something that you're excited about and you're passionate about, Fucking do it. If it scares you, do it. But do it for yourself. Maybe, maybe the reason, maybe you're like me. The reason you started to do the thing, in my case, go to school, was because other people wanted you to. Other people expected it of you. And that's okay. That's okay. Sometimes we have to do things because other people think we should do them. And then we find out, oh, I don't like that. Or, ooh, maybe I do. Maybe I don't like it that way. You can adjust. Look at me. 18 years. 18 years between enrolling as a college student for the first time and graduating. 18 years. But I'm doing it, I'm doing it on my terms, my way, and the cats have only deleted a few things. So far, thank goodness. But, that's what I've been thinking about. Just like, You know, graduation time makes me, I guess, nostalgic, or whatever. But, I've been thinking about it for a while, and I'm like, I just need to talk about it. And I was like, well, I tried to journal about it, but I'm like, I don't want to do that. So, I decided, well, what could I do? Oh, talk about it, on my podcast, that thing that I do, where I talk. I make weird faces that you guys can't see. One day, maybe I'll do a video. I don't know how that would go. We'll see, but Ah! Do the thing! Or don't do the thing. And if you don't do the thing, that's okay because it's your choice. I support you. I do. And not just because Lily's sitting on me and staring at me to tell you that. Hehehehehehe! Oh, Jesus. Okay, well So with that, on that note, the cats and I are gonna go. Um, if you're still listening, thanks. Uh, and please go like, share, subscribe to the podcast wherever you're listening. Um, the biggest thing, share it with your friends. Uh, if you have a chance, go review, write a, write a, if you want to write a five star review, go ahead. If you think this is the worst podcast you've ever heard, you could keep that to yourself. Uh, or you can write a review. That's also fine. Um, but, it just makes me feel so excited when you guys, like, do. Ah! Squeak! Um, I will, like I said, I will make sure that the question of the week is up. Um, if you choose to respond to the one from this episode, great. I will have a new one up, uh, probably Wednesday. for you guys to respond to on the socials. Um, speaking of which, make sure you're following us on those socials. Instagram, sorry, that's my inside voice, no punctuation. Facebook, with punctuation, sorry, that's my inside voice. Um, and ooh, if you haven't already, you can sign up for my mailing list on the website, which is sorrythatsmyinsidevoice. com. Uh, and when new episodes, uh, post, you'll, you'll get notification of that. Thanks. new blog posts, all the good stuff. So thank you guys so much as always for listening and we'll see you next time. Bye.