Attachment styles &Conflict resolution- Tshidi M Wyllie with Thabiso Tshwenyana🇧🇼

1.0 Introduction
Our conflict resolution strategies tend to be influenced by our attachment styles. Children watch the way adults work through disagreements and model those patterns of behaviour as they grow up and that influences their perception about conflict and ways of resolving it. Often people use the same strategies or try hard to do the opposite of what they grew up being exposed to.
Attachment simply refers to “lasting psychological connectedness between humans” (Bowlby, 1991; Cherry, 2019).

Scenario: “When the two of you argue, how do you react/act/ resolve the issue?” 
Her: “I think we argue healthily most of the time. But, often when we both feel attacked by the other, we have opposite reactions; I need to keep talking through it to get to a conclusion.” 
Him: “And I just need to go and be alone.” 
The bonds that children have with their caregivers influences the way in which they later address conflict. People who had secure attachments with their parents and/or caregivers are often able to work through conflict with other people and resolve it in respectful, affectionate, and loving manner. But for Children who grew up witnessing dysfunctional conflict resolution strategies, having a secure attachment with others becomes a challenge as they try to avoid making the same mistakes  as their parents.

2.0 What are attachment styles?

According to Bowlby’s Attachment Style Theory (1991), there are three attachments styles based on our attachment to our primary care givers/mum:
1. Secure,  
2. Anxious-Resistant, and  
3.  Avoidant
Recognizing pattern: It’s important to be aware of our attachment style pattern and change our behaviour from reacting to acting intentionally.
Understanding  our  attachment  style  and  other  people’s  pattern, especially  our  significant  others  can bring  insight  into  how  we  engage  and  resolve  conflict  in  ways  that  would  not  harm  our relationships /families  and/or  organizations.  

Primary  Attachment  Figure  (PAF) :
At  infancy,  we  learn  certain  behaviours  that  vary  based  on  our  perceived  closeness  of  our  primary attachment  figure  (PAF);  in  most  cases,  the  PAF  is  the  mum  or  milk/food-  feeding  individual.  If  the baby  perceives  the  primary  attachment  figure  (PAF)  as  close  by,  they  feel  relaxed,  loved,  and secure.    However, if  the  baby  perceives  the  PAF as  absent  or  not  close  by;  they  will  become  anxious  and  use behaviour  tantrums  to  encourage  proximity  (crying,  screaming,  reaching  out,  holding  on  or clinging  on  etc.)  Then,  depending  on  the  type  of  response  they  receive  from  their  PAF,  they  may  fall into  one  or  a  mixture  of  three  attachment  style:  secure,  anxious-resistant,  and  avoidant.
According  to  attachment  theory,  how  babies  responded  when  PAF  left  and  returned  to  them determined  their  attachment  style;  Adults  often  keep  the  attachment  style  pattern  they  adopted as  babies.