If A Friendship Isn't Nourishing It's Time To Let It Go
Hi there. Welcome to One Day You Finally Knew: A Podcast For Women Breaking Away. I'm your host, Jessica Chasnoff, and I'm super excited about walking together on this journey, home to ourselves. Let's see where our walk leads us today.
Oh, hello lovelies. Mmmm, here we are back again. So happy to be with you. I just had a big, good cry with my dearest heart sister here in town. Ahh, and let me tell you, I feel better. I really needed that. It's been a while actually since I've had a good cry. I used to be somebody that kind of needed a good cry once a week. Now it doesn't necessarily happen as much.
I certainly have tears leak out about things. And then sometimes I just burst into tears about what's happening in our world, as you know, but in terms of a cleansing cry that's about all the good work, but hard work that I feel like I've been doing in this time in my life. I haven't had one of those in a while, so it's just a marvelous thing to be able to do with a dear friend.
I feel really just so grateful for that. That beautiful connection that I feel to my heart friends, as well as some conversations I've been having with friends really over this past 18 months or so during the COVID times, but it seems like even more so over the past few months has gotten me thinking about this idea of nourishment in our relationships and how important it is in this wild world with so much happening for us to feel like we're being nurtured in our friendships.
Research shows us that not only does it feel good to have these sister of the heart relationships because they make us feel good, there's actually research that's shown us the psychological, emotional, and physical health benefits from these relationships and how our overall health can be improved by having these nourishing relationships.
Having sisterhood means we actually release more oxytocin. This is a hormone released when parents are breastfeeding when we're snuggling and cuddling when we feel closeness and safety. So that oxytocin is released in these lovely hearted conversations that we have with our friends.
And this seems to be the case more so for conversations, IRL, or at least talking on the phone, rather than conversations via text or email. It seems to be that these conversations happening at the moment unfolding in real-time are more likely to do the releasing of the oxytocin. There's also been some research on heart health improving. So when we say sisters of the heart, there's something about that.
Our heart health is potentially improved and there can be fewer health issues overall. This says to us how important it is to have these relationships and it isn't having a partner. It's actually about having, sisters, even just one or two is fine. There's research that's been around for a long time.
I don't know the last time that it was replicated, but this idea that for men, they only really need their spouse in order to have enough of that feeling of health and wholeness. Whereas women need to have relationships beyond the romantic partnering in order to feel the fullness or the wholeness that can come from what relationship offers.
Yeah. So good advertisement for having these relationships. And it's interesting times here with COVID. What are we rounding out our 18th month in this pandemic? And, um, uh, yeah, I mean, when is it going to end? I mean, it kind of looked for a little while there, like there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and now, well...
Things have changed in the sense that, we're not necessarily seeing our friends as frequently. And when we do see them, it might be virtually, we might not even be seeing them. We might be having phone contact again, all of that is great and important, and we've had to figure out ways to make sure that we are still connected.
Furthermore, our social circles have gotten smaller. This has been an interesting phenomenon that just about everyone I know has talked about. This way that friends have kind of faded from our worlds and we've faded from theirs. And I think part of this is about really determining in these times, which relationships feel most essential to us, which feel sustainable, which feel most life-giving, most important.
There has been a kind of natural attrition of these relationships that don't seem to hold the same feeling of connection. And I know that's happened for me. I know that's happened for others. I think a lot of people have been ghosted in this time.
I have been ghosted over this past year and a half by at least two people that I can think of off the top of my head. What I would just say, and I'm going to get into this a little bit more is how important was connection to this person for you? For the couple of people who decided to eliminate me from their lives, I didn't really feel super much connection there. If anything, I actually felt like the person that would do a lot of the reaching out.
So when I reached out and then just never heard back, it didn't really surprise me much. And I mean, it really didn't hurt me at all. I know that's not the case for a lot of people where all of a sudden they've been ghosted by someone.
For some people there's been a person or people that you felt very close to and were very dear and you've been ghosted by them. And that is very, very hard. At the same time, I think it is important to ask yourself whether it really is a problem. When somebody ghosts you, and frankly, if you have ghosted people and, I haven't exactly ghosted people, but I've basically via text been like, I'm good, girl. Bye.
And if you have done that, it really isn't personal. It's not personal if someone ghosts you. It's not personal if you ghost them. It's what's going on in their own personal dreaming, what's happening in your own personal dreaming. It's very hard to believe or feel like something isn't personal when it's happened to you.
And the truth is that everybody is living in their own dreaming. If somebody lets you go, then that ultimately doesn't need to be a problem. If they're not wanting friendship with you, they're not the best friend for you to have. And the same thing if you ghost someone. If you aren't wanting them in your world, then it's best for them that you're not in it.
To really kind of try to break it down like that. It's easier said than done. Of course. Like so many things I'm going to say here, it takes processing. It takes a lot of feels and often a lot of tears. And the thing is that if somebody isn't feeling good for you, you're not good for that person.
Ultimately. I don't like to qualify it as good and bad. And I'll say a little bit more about that later. But, it's just something to keep in mind. Okay. When I have done that, it's because I have realized that I don't want someone in my inner circle or in my circle at all. I just have said this is what I'm needing in my life in terms of relationship.
And so I am choosing to go toward that. Thank you. And that's for my own needs, my own needs for safety, my own needs for connection, for joy, for comfort. Right. I feel like all of us need to have that.
And remember, you know, just because somebody feels like they're not safe with you it doesn't mean that you're inherently not a safe person. They just have made the determination that you're not safe for them. And vice versa. We really get to set these boundaries that are with ourselves first, where we're not going to go toward something or someone where we're not going to feel safe.
Okay. So something that's come up recently is this idea of what happens when the person who ghosted you comes back, right? The cat comes back. They were gone and it hurt for a while. And then it was out of sight, out of mind. Then, here you are confronted with the possibility, which might feel like an opportunity, or it might feel like a threat, to reconnect.
Because all of a sudden they're hanging out in your inbox or your text box or whatever, right. This I think is when you really need to start to ask yourself some important questions about whether this is a relationship worth having, I would really invite you to ask yourself, first, am I being nourished in this relationship?
Or if the person's been gone for a while, when we were in relationship, was I feeling nourished. By the way, this list that I'm going through here? It isn't just about if you've been ghosted by someone and they come back. I feel like these are questions that we can ask ourselves at any point when we feel like we're not sure that we are getting our needs met in a relationship.
I think we can ask ourselves this in friendships and I think we can ask ourselves this in romantic relationships. So the first question being, am I being nourished by this relationship and to really go through, make notes, if you want, put this in a journal, really posit that question to yourself and take it very seriously.
Okay. And then, asking yourself, how much do I give? How much am I giving in this relationship? Or was I giving in this relationship, in the case of the person was gone and they've come back? And then how much do I receive? Is the relationship on balance an equal experience of giving and receiving? You know, sometimes there's going to be more giving going one way than another, but on balance is there equality, or do you feel like you're the one that's doing the giving.
And if you're being really honest with yourself, are you with the one that's doing all the receiving. Part of why I chose to be like, "Hey, I'm done here" is because I did not feel like the person could take in that they were doing the receiving in the relationship and what they were giving was not enough, or the way that they were giving was fraught with microaggressions.
And I did not feel like the person would ever be able to take that feedback in, based on my history with them. And so that's why it just needed to be done with it. And just be as kind as I could about it and as loving as I could about it, but be done. Another question that's so important is how do I feel when I'm with this person, right.
When you spend time with this person, when you're connecting with this person, when you are texting. How do you feel when you're with the person and then, how do you feel after you're with them? That's really important too. You know, what has your energetic system experienced? What has your nervous system experienced while you were with this person?
What is it telling you? What feedback is it giving you about spending time with them in the future, or what it was like to just spend time with them. These are really, really important questions. And then, if you were ghosted and this person has come back, how did I feel in the space during that time where the person was gone?
If there were the feelings of peace, contentedness, and relief and ease. Let's not forget, ease. You want to focus on that. You want to notice that. Furthermore, now that they're back in the picture, what has happened to your ease, peace, contentedness, and relief? Super important to look at. Okay. Are there aspects you feel are important to cultivate again with this person?
Do you want to replant this seed? And see if it grows again, or do you actually feel better without that person in your life? Even though it made me sad and I really loved this person, I'll always love this person. They are an amazing woman in so many ways. I was so relieved and remain so. We really want to follow that, you know. What is our nervous system telling us about engaging with this person, right? Your body is never going to lie to you about whether you are safe or not safe with someone. Okay.
Now, there are some exceptions here in terms of really giving a certain amount of grace when someone has ghosted you and then has come back.
I believe that these exceptions are if the person tells you that they were really going through something, for instance, a mental health crisis, right? They were in a depression, they were in a time of grief or bereavement or something was going on with them. They felt incapable of reaching out to you during the time that you were attempting to connect with them, or they just disappeared and never responded to you again.
Consider an exception because these things happen. You know, when somebody is in such despair, sometimes they just cannot reach out. One of the things that is so difficult for folks when they come out of these spaces is feeling like they have pushed away all of their friends. While only you can know if it makes sense to replant that little seed with this person, it is something to consider investigating the reasoning behind why they pulled away.
If you have been somebody who has pulled away because of going through a mental health crisis, or you just felt like you could not reach out, let a person know this if you are trying to make an entrance back into their life. Let them know that and see how that feels.
I have tried this before. I have had a person leave and come back and be very apologetic about the fact that they had ghosted me. I gave them grace and all was forgiven and I was happy to let them back in, but then they did it again. In fact, they are one of the two people, who ghosted me during, the COVID times here.
Yeah, I mean, basically what was interesting is this time I actually sent a text out to them and said, look, I really hope you're okay. I am here if you want to reach out in the future, but I'm no longer going to be reaching out to you, especially in these times, I think it's really important for people to be there for each other.
And I'm not feeling that from you, so I'm not going to reach out for it anymore. Right. I don't know that I even sent that text until after I think they accidentally butt-dialed me and I didn't know, were they calling me or not? And so just for clarity's sake, I wanted to just send them a text. I think it was a butt dial. You know, one of those moments where they probably saw it and were like, "Oh shit.
Oh shit. Oh shit. I got to hang this up." We've all been there. Anyway. Okay. So right. Like I gave that person another shot. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. So I just wasn't willing to do that again. So, live and learn.
Another thing is, and this is really important in terms of the nourishment in our friendships. We need to ask for what we need. We are grown-ass adults. So many of us have wounding around not getting our needs met when we were children when our caregivers were supposed to be able to anticipate those needs. When that didn't happen. I mean, this is attachment-based stuff.
When that didn't happen, part of our wounding can be that in our adult relationships, we are attempting to get our other adult friends, to meet our needs, to anticipate them without knowing what they are. Uh, that's a problem. Because I'm a lot of things, but I am not a mind reader. I had a friend who I thought ghosted me a couple of months after they moved out of state. We had been pretty close, but then, I had reached out a couple of times and then never heard from them.
And then a while passed. And I reached out again. I think I had seen something they posted on Instagram. I think we still followed each other on Instagram at that point. And it looked like they were in town and I just said, Hey, I've missed you. If you'd like to connect. That would be great.
And I was shocked because they told me they felt that I had abandoned them during this really hard time after they moved. But they never reached out. I could not have known that they were having a hard time. They had this expectation that I should have known that.
And what they didn't know about me is that I have a history of friends moving away. This goes way back. From when I was a kid all the way through college grad school, into the present. I would have friends move away and then they would just never keep in touch with me. I just assumed that was what was happening here and that she was into her new life.
I felt like she moved away and she was getting to be friends with whoever was around. So here we are, our different perspectives. That misunderstanding, undermined the relationship, basically. I tried to do a little repair in the moment with her. , I apologized for not being there for her.
She said I'm sorry too. I asked her if we could recultivate and that didn't happen. And that's okay. I mean, here's the deal. One of my boundaries is I refuse to be the only maintenance person in the relationship. I have done too much of that in my life. I just do not have the time or energy for it now. I just don't. And I would never expect that of anyone else.
My best friends in this world are those who do an equal share of communication and reaching out for connection. If you have a need, let me know and I'll do the same for you. To have an expectation that a need be met when it hasn't been requested, and everyone in this relationship is an adult, that's an unreasonable expectation.
If you determine that you don't want to reconnect with this person, or you want to end the connection with this person. Remember what you had with love, and then send them on their journey. No one has to be wrong. No one has to be right. There is this amazing Rumi quote. You've probably seen this, but you've probably only seen the part that says "beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there." That's beautiful enough.
But then the second part of that is "when the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase, 'each other' doesn't make any sense". Really to me, that poem is about enlightenment because when you can get to a place where, you know, even the words, each other don't make sense, that's something. I mean, it's aspirational just to meet in that field, that field beyond who was wrong and who was right. We do wrong each other. We do right by each other.
And we do wrong by each other. We're human. We make mistakes. We're not beyond ideas yet. And we are certainly not beyond the ideas that each of us is separate rather than one consciousness and each and every one of us are just a facet of that multifaceted jewel. We can strive to be beyond. That's a big strive for me. I'm not there yet. I definitely get caught up in who is right and who was wrong. But, I work at that. This is good work ongoing, babes.
So keep in mind if you've decided that a relationship isn't nurturing you and you've decided it's time to end it. Nobody has to be the bad guy. Nobody has to be the good guy, right? You're just both going on your journey. And, you're not part of each other's journeys. Same thing with if you've been ghosted or you're doing the ghosting.
I do want to reiterate that I think that there are times when ghosting is absolutely appropriate. I don't believe that you need to attempt to muddle through it or open yourself to a conversation with somebody that your nervous system is telling you is unsafe for you.
Sometimes you just need to be done. So, whatever it is that's happening for you, I support how you're working with it. If this is something that you're going through right now, I hope this has been useful. If you'd like to share what's been happening for you, please do. We will keep doing this good work. Doing it together. Thanks for showing up to do it.
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