Break Away from Being a Good Girl: Speak Your Truth, Witch
Hi there. Welcome to One Day You Finally Knew: A Podcast for Folx Breaking Away. I'm your host, Jessica Chasnoff. And I am thrilled to be here. A partner walking alongside you, as we explore and uncover what no longer serves us and how we might be able to let those things go and set them down. Let's see where our walk takes us today.
Hello there. So good to be in this space with you again. It is Halloween and I'm going to stick with this theme about what it means to be a witch with the intention of looking at it from what it means to speak your truth and be potentially burned for it.
I don't know about you, but for me, I feel quite certain that I have been burned at the stake in previous lifetimes. I just somehow know that in my system. And I think that so many of us do. We also are in receipt of whatever intergenerational trauma is there. So even if it wasn't something that happened to our soul in a past life, I think that our ancestors had this happen to them. And what it means to speak your truth even though you might be annihilated in some ways. Even though you might be burned at the stake.
She sighs. This is such a challenge because when that trauma is in your body from wherever and whenever it came, it can serve to keep you in a pattern of not showing up as your complete, true, self. It can keep you from revealing that to others because there is a sense of potential danger. And why wouldn't we feel that way? For anyone who has been conditioned as a woman, even if that is not how you identify now. This is something that's going to come up.
The idea of breaking away from being the good girl is one that I have definitely been working with for many, many years in multitudinous ways. Most recently, I had to make a decision about whether I was going to speak truth to power in terms of a psychological organization that I'm going to be giving a presentation for. I spoke a little bit about that a couple of episodes ago. That was in the "Break Away from Perfect: Just Get that Shit Done" episode.
So yes, I did get that shit done as you know, and the application was accepted. In the middle of next month, which is almost this month, I'm going to be giving a talk on cultivating gentleness and self-care for therapists. I am looking forward to it. I am excited about it. What I'm wanting to talk about here is a choice that I made to break away from being a good girl and to speak my truth, even though I knew there would potentially be a consequence. Knowing that it was a risk.
So the way that this was presented to me, I had a conversation with the person who was heading up the organization and we ended up discussing speakers and I said that I would be interested in speaking and she was delighted to hear that. And so she hooked me up with the person who sets those things up and she was delighted and I gave some ideas and we brainstormed and the person picked one and it was like, great. Okay, I'm going to give this presentation.
But then something really interesting happened. Well, let me actually say it the way that it, it really went. Some serious bullshit went down, which was that um, my understanding was that I was going to give this presentation. They had presented a few dates for me. And I chose the soonest one, actually, which would have been in November, even though I was given a February and a May option. And said yes, and went with that.
And then immediately there was a save the date email sent out, with my name on it, with my picture on it, to every single psychologist in this organization. And then an email got sent out to me that said, Jessica, we're really looking forward to having you speak. Now, if you could go ahead and fill out this application, that would be great. Yeah. I nearly shit my pants So basically just so we're all tracking here together. I said yes to a thing that I thought I had been given the go-ahead to do. And it was immediately publicized with my name and face on it and website and all the things. And then they told me that I needed to fill out an application to be a speaker for them.
So, uh, that did not sit well. And I checked it out with a few of my peeps. I checked out with my friends, I checked it out with my somatic experiencing practitioner. I checked it out with some other folks and was told, yes, you have every right to believe that was done totally in an ass backwards manner and that it's not cool. Because yeah. Sometimes I can, uh, go to a place where I think something is not cool and actually it's just my shit that I'm needing to work through. So I do check it out with people to see if it is like empirically not cool. And this was empirically not cool. Okay. I'm having to meet this demand, which was not a small demand. I looked at this application and I pretty much had to know what I was going to be presenting and what research I was going to be using and what sources I was going to be quoting.
I had to give all that to them as part of this application. And then I got another email right after that was like, "oh, and once you send in the application if you could do the continuing education post-test questions". And I was like, what in the actual fuck is happening here? Am I right? So it was a bait and switch. I mean, even if they did not mean it in that way. And I don't think that they did. That is still what it was. Right. Sure. We're really excited. We'd love to have you. We're going to put it up so everybody can see who you are.
And then if we choose to not accept your application then this thing isn't happening, but we've already advertised it to all these people with your fingerprint all over it. Right. So. I was dismayed. More than that, I mean, always bringing in the somatic experience of things, terror in various parts of my body. Anger. When something like this happens, it's just pulling up all my shit. Imposter complex. Right.
At first, I thought, okay, I'm gonna need to let them know how I feel about this. I'm gonna speak my truth here, knowing that it could mean that I burn this bridge with them. And then I just decided to sit with it. I had a Somatic Experiencing module to get through. Another week to get through where I'd be integrating that material. And also having a full client week. And so I just decided, okay, well, if they're going to just leave me alone with this, then I'll get to it when I get to it.
Well, I mean, you know, wishful thinking. I then got an email saying, "Hey, so how's it going with that application?" And I knew that that was the time that I needed to drop the truth bomb. Which of course, is terrifying. Here I am. Right. You don't really know who I am. You're letting me do this thing kind of. And I'm about to tell you how you did it in a pretty fucked up way.
But I knew that I had to speak that truth. And what I decided was if they weren't cool with what I had to say then fine. Because I wasn't going to sacrifice my self-care needs. And by the way, I mean, it's kind of like, you're going to do this to somebody who's about to talk about self-care practices and gentleness and self-compassion.
Really. Okay. Well, uh, this is what happens when you do this to somebody who prioritizes their self-care first. This is what happens. I'm going to send you an email that says, "thank you so much for your interest in having me speak. I'm excited about this. And here are some things you have to know. The way you did this was backwards. It's not helpful to my nervous system. It's not helpful for self-compassion practice. I'm telling you about this in the interest of our community's self-care, because that's what this is all about. I have not been able to get to the application yet. I had these other things going, I can get that done, get you the post-test by this date. If that's cool with you, great. If it's not, then we can pick another date in the future because had I known that I was going to have to get all this shit together for an application for you ahead of time, I would not have chosen a November date to present."
I'm just going to tell you what's happening right now. I talked last week about that uprightness. Having that spine. I celebrate those moments. And I feel like we all need to . What does it feel like when we speak truth to power? I felt like a bad ass. So I CC'd it to the person that I had the initial conversation with who's the head of the organization. And then the other person who I had brainstormed topics with,. I had all of them on the email thread.
I got a text, which is always interesting. When you get a text from someone who says, "Hey, I, I just want you to know, I loved that email. I totally support you", but they have taken that outside of the public thread. I always think that's interesting. Still lovely. And noted that that was something sent to me, private, which meant that that person did not take the risk of their response being seen by that group.
Okay. cool cool. The other person sent a terrific email response, which included saying "Jessica you're totally right. And thank you so much for bringing this to our attention and for taking the risk to do this." I was so delighted by this because that is exactly what it was. Risk
What was really so beautiful about it too, is that it was sisterhood, right? It was this woman supporting another woman and saying, this organization is not going to burn you at the stake for this. Which was really fantastic. The thing is though that I did not know how it was going to go ahead of time and I knew I still had to do it. Being willing to take that risk. That is a big deal and important. So I was proud of myself . And I also was really pleased that it was received so well. So they said, yes, go ahead and take that time. That's fine. I got everything in and I'm going to be giving that presentation.
So. That is an example of something that's happened recently. And I hope that if you find yourself in a situation where you're really kind of, "oh boy, what do I want to do here? Do I want to speak my truth knowing that there could be a consequence for that? Or am I gonna tow this line?" that you could go inside and feel confident enough in yourself that you can take the risk. That you do not have to toe the line.
Here's the thing. The more of us that do this, the less that organizations are going to try to get away with it. They keep getting away with it. And again, in this particular case, I do not think that there was any intention like that behind it. I think they were kind of, um, a little bit oblivious.
I think when you're looking more at the corporate world, I do think there is intentionality behind that. But they get away with it because not enough people are speaking their truth. And I understand that. Look, even though I have examples of where I did not toe the line. I have examples from where I did. Right. So this happens to all of us. And yet I also believe that as you make this a practice, this is something that, like everything else, offers mastery and it becomes easier for you to do over time. Okay. So that's my most recent example.
I want to talk to you a little bit about a client who took some big risks. This is a queer woman of color. Okay. So, the intersectionality there certainly should not go unnoticed. As a white person, I don't have the same kind of risk factors as a person of color and a person of color who is part of the GLBTQIA+ community.
So she is brilliant, works in tech, developed some pretty amazing stuff. Apps, things like that. It is so not my world. So honestly, I don't even know what she did or what she created, but I know that she's kind of a big deal. As you know, in tech, it's still very much an old boys club and that is where she found herself. And so despite having incredible skill and more skill than many of her coworkers, she was paid less, wasn't treated as well, was ignored for promotion, and had to work at times in a pretty hostile environment.
But she felt like this was what she had to do to get to the place where she needed to be. So it was a huge risk for her to bring this up. We really had to sit with this for a while. She had to do the cost-benefit analysis and also had to have a plan B, plan C. Quite a few plans in place.
She had to get to the point where she felt that no matter what was going to happen, she was going to be okay. That is a place where I go with myself. That's a place where I go with my clients. To be able to get so grounded in your basic goodness and your utter okayness that whatever happens when you take that risk, you're going to be okay. It might not be what you want to happen. Right? The story I talked about earlier, my story, I mean, it worked out in my favor. That's not always the way that it goes. It's often not the way that it goes.
But for her to be able to sit with the what-ifs and the worst-case scenarios and what if she stays? What if she goes? What if she presents this? And it doesn't work. And the whole burning bridges possibility, all of that. She sat with it and realized, as we do, that to stay where she was ultimately going to be the greatest cost to her emotional, physical, spiritual wellbeing.
And so she left. She found another place for herself. It was such a great move for her because there were more women, she was not the only person of color. And she was not the only queer person there. She felt more welcomed and she felt more seen by this community. And what's exciting is that this new place that she went was a competitor of the old place and because she was bringing her skills to this new place, this tech joint just started to like blow the old employer off the map. These people really got to see how losing her didn't go well for them, ultimately. Admittedly, you know, ya love to see it. After somebody terrific and talented and lovely is treated so poorly, and you see the people that treated that person poorly struggle a little bit, you know, sometimes schadenfreude is not the worst thing. And basically she just continued to soar and has done really well with this company. They know that they're lucky to have her.
But the thing is that if she kept towing that line, she was not going to be able to get to this other place where she was going to be seen and felt and heard. And then this other place got their comeuppance. She could not have known that this good stuff was going to happen. She had really wanted to stay with that other company because when she looked at other places, you know, even the one that she wound up going toward, they didn't seem to be as powerful before she got there, as they were, once she did get there.
She knew that it was a risk and it turned out differently than she had thought, but turned out really well. Having courage or being fearless does not mean being without fear. Courage is taking your heart in your hands. Being fearless is being afraid but going for it. And that's what we do when we are showing up as the witches that we are and living our truth. Okay.
So may that be helpful to you on your journey. If that's something that you're dealing with now, may you find that courage, find that stable ground within yourself. The world around is groundless, right? There is actually no ground to be found out there. We need to find it inside.
May you find that so that you can show up as your full self and speak your truth. Okay. And I will meet you there. I will also meet you there when you're not feeling like you can do that. Or when you feel like you're afraid. Or when you just want to eat cereal out of the box and watch fall and winter movies. I mean, I, I will totally do that with you too. Just so you know. Because it's all, it's all part of it. Right. It's both/and. Okay. All right. Mmm. Have a lovely week and, uh, happy entrance into November. I will look forward to the next time that we are together and until then, be gentle and good to your sweet selves.
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