Break Away From Should-ing on Yourself: Hit Pause on that To-Do List
Hi there. Welcome to One Day You Finally Knew: A Podcast for Folx Breaking Away. I'm your host, Jessica Chasnoff. And I am thrilled to be here. A partner walking alongside you, as we explore and uncover what no longer serves us and how we might be able to let those things go and set them down. Let's see where our walk takes us today.
Hello there. So, what do we have on the menu today? Well, it occurred to me to talk a little bit about the opposite of what an episode was about, I think a couple of weeks back here. The episode on "just get that shit done". I was thinking about how it might be nice to talk about just not getting shit done.
Yeah. Does that feel nice? That feels nice to me. Wouldn't that be a great thing on a prescription pad? " Just don't get any shit done". I mean. There's just kind of like no better homework than that right now. I dig it. So, yeah, that's where I want to go today. Because what I am feeling inside and finding outside is that we are all just so fatigued by the confluence of all the things that we're dealing with. 20 plus months in a pandemic. The dismantling of systems that basically are the foundation of what this country, if you're listening in the U.S. was built on. Also the tendency to get a little hopeless about those systems actually getting dismantled.
It's the long game. And, uh, in the short run, we don't necessarily see the change or we can see a little bit of change and then we go backward. So there's the systems. There's what's happening with the climate and our planet. There's just being so fatigued by "am I going to get this virus? Am I going to give this virus? Am I safe?" Our nervous systems just having, getting close to two years of a sense of not feeling safe. The polarization in the country. I could go on and on and on about the things happening in the outside world that are exhausting to just be constantly in the midst of. And then there's our internal stuff, right? There's the work that we're doing on ourselves. There's the work we're doing in the world. There's family stuff. There's health stuff. It's endless. We are not human doings. We're human beings. But we live in a society that is all about doing.
This episode is going to be twofold. The first bit here is just talking about the possibility of backing off of doing in order to allow our being to be supported. And then, I'm going to take us through a guided practice. So if you're driving right now or operating heavy machinery, you are certainly welcome to listen to this informational part here. But then when we get to the guided practice, then go ahead and turn it off for now and then come back to it when you are able to be at rest. Okay.
So yes, being a human being, as opposed to a human doing. It's something that we have to continually be practicing and returning to again and again and again, because in the world that we live in support is given to the doing rather than the being.
So we have to actively carve out time for the being. Carve out time, carve out space. We all have our to-do lists. We all have things that need to be done. I'm just tuning into it for myself now, my own list of all the things. I mean, that's even exhausting. Just going through all the things and the way that we have to be, uh, kind of, um, I mean, crude language, but what's new Chasnoff. You know, we kind of have to like, get it up for doing these things, but we can't.
We don't have the energy or a feeling of vitality around things that need to get done, but it doesn't change that they need to get done. And that can be a really challenging and painful spot to be in. And it can really disrupt creativity. It can create anxiety. It can cause depression. And I want you to know. I have been there. That's always an edge for me. Even when I get something done, there's always the lingering. "Okay. But this still has to be done."
We tell ourselves that we should be doing something. I should be doing more. I should be getting this done. I should be better at this. In the words of Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Therapy, he would tell people, "stop should-ing on yourself." "You're should-ing on yourself." Or he'd say, this one's my favorite. He'd say. "Stop must-erbating". Cause it was should or must. These are the things that we find ourselves saying. I should get that done. I must get that done. I will sometimes hear his voice in my head when I'm should-ing on myself or when I'm must-erbating and try to work with that.
One of the ways that we can work with the should is to change it to could. "I could choose to do this." That's a nice one, especially when it really is something you want to do and you need to give yourself a little motivation for it. Light a little fire under your bum. And it's making it a choice. . I could choose this versus I should do this. That's handy. I would recommend it in times when you notice that your self-talk is going to a place where it's just unkind or there's the shoulds and the musts that start coming. They're just not helpful.
So again, as always, bringing that awareness to what's happening with our self-talk and working with it a little bit. Okay. We need the awareness. We got to know what it's saying in order to start saying something different to ourselves. So that's something to keep in mind.
So this is really about letting go of what you think should be done that isn't getting done. With the understanding that we can't let go of everything. Right. I would love to let go of a lot of stuff. And I imagine that's the same for you, but that's just not the way of life. There's going to be things that we have to do, but there are things that we don't actually have to do that we're just should-ing ourselves about. That's what I would really invite you to start thinking about. What are the things that I can let go?
Saying I really should clean the house. , I was just saying this to a couple of friends the other day. Okay. "My house is a total wreck". And it was true. My house was a total wreck. But I noticed that I was feeling that without going to, "and I really should clean it." Right. I mean, of course. I know. Like, I know that it needs to get cleaned at some point. But should-ing myself about it isn't going to get it cleaned any faster.
So as you think about all these things on your list, I mean, you'll probably be there forever if you're like me. There's always something. A great practice is actually write it down. Write down all the things that you're should-ing yourself about, and then see if you can go through that list and prioritize and see, "is there anything that I can take off? "You might not be able to take it off permanently, but can you take it off for a short period of time or put it on the bottom of the list?
Obviously choosing things that are not going to hurt you or anyone else by not getting done. What can you do to give yourself a little bit more space? And then we want to actually be able to be in the space that we're giving ourselves. There is nothing wrong with saying, "okay, I'm not going to clean the house this weekend. I'm not going to go out and get the ladder at the hardware store. These things are on my list. So I'm, I'm just kind of giving you my list here.
We can do that. And then the next piece is what are we going to fill that time with instead. There's nothing wrong with binge-watching TV. If British Baking Show wasn't being dropped only one episode per week, I would be bingeing that. I actually am quite envious of the people who are just coming to British Baking Show because they can do all the bingeing of the however many seasons before. So there's nothing wrong with that. Okay. There's nothing wrong with lying around binge-watching something. There's nothing wrong with lying around. I mean, we need to do that. And in my humble opinion, we need to actually be creating space that is dedicated to just being.
Watching TV is not being. Watching TV is watching TV. Again, nothing wrong with it. I do it too. I think that truly the recovery from the should-ing on yourself, the must-erbating, and the ability to turn it around and say, " I could choose this". And then being able to get the energy, to get enough of that life force to do the thing. That really comes from setting aside time for the being. For the refueling.
This is a self-care practice that I think is really important and for transparency's sake as always. I do not do this all the time, what I'm recommending. It falls away from me sometimes, or I fall away from it and then I come back to it and that's just part of life too. That's part of what balance is. Balance is not being right in the middle of it all. It's about sometimes being at one extreme and then that pendulation to the other side of the extreme and then finding its way between.
And so yeah, we forget about things or we stop doing things and that's fine. That's part of being human. And I just would really invite you if you're feeling overloaded, like I'm hearing so many of us are and I know that I'm feeling myself, to be actively carving out the space. Okay. So, that's really all that I want to say about that.
I'd like to turn our attention now to a practice. And it's not going to be long. You know I like to keep this short. I am dedicated to not being a bloviator on this podcast. So this is just going to be a short little practice. Part of why it's a short practice is because I know that not a lot of people have a lot of time. And so if you can just have this carved out space and time, and it's short, there's going to be a higher likelihood that you're going to practice it. Okay. So what's nice about this is if you like this and you actually like my voice being part of it, you've got this now. You can come back and you can listen and you can do this.
Certainly, if you like these guided practices, I've done one other one, many weeks back. I did the hydration meditation. But if you like this, and you'd like more of them on the podcast, I would love to know because then I will offer more of those.
Okay. So. Hit the pause button if you need to, to kind of get yourself to a place where you're situated, where you can sit down or lie down. Whatever feels best to you.
And, I'd like us to just bring our attention to what we're sitting on or what we're lying on, to feel our bodies pressed against that surface.
And so this first bit here is really just about coming back into your body.
We're often not really in it, and because it is capable of performing all of its processes without our input, without us having to think about it or pull a lever, we can be on autopilot and our body is still going to do its thing.
This is just a practice of coming back into that being, our being, our being-ness and just noticing what we're noticing. And that includes if you're feeling antsy, if you're feeling like, "oh, I don't have time for this" or "I'll come back and do the practice later, maybe", just notice whatever's coming up. In the thought realm, in the emotional realm. Right? Sometimes we don't slow down enough in order to actually feel what we're feeling emotionally or feel what we're feeling physically in our bodies.
Sometimes we do that and it's accidental or unintentional. And sometimes we do that purposefully.
And just noticing what it's like to be. You don't have to be still, by the way. It's okay if your body is moving in some way. It's okay if you need to change positions because you need to feel a bit more comfortable. This is not about pretzeling yourself up in any way. This is really just about finding a comfortable spot so that you can invite the fullness of your being. And rest in that.
So bringing a little bit of attention to your breath. Not trying to change it or control it in any way. You're just going to be noticing it. And sometimes it's nice to notice where it's the most present. You may feel it coming in through your nostrils, or you may feel it more moving down the trachea. You might feel it more in the lungs, on the way in. And on the way out, it might be an entirely different experience.
You may notice that as the breath enters your body, it's a certain temperature in your nostrils. And then as the breath exits, it's a different temperature. Might notice different textural qualities. Just getting really curious about what happens when you pay attention to your breath. Something that we don't have to pay attention to in order for it to get to get done.
And again, not giving yourself a hard time for thoughts that come up of discomfort or feelings, sensations that are uncomfortable. Just noticing them. Allowing them to be there. You don't have to do anything about it. If this is not something that you do a lot of, just sitting and making space for yourself to be, it's potentially going to be uncomfortable.
If not physically, then, mentally, emotionally. Can feel very vulnerable. Can feel like you've been cracked open, and, uh, you're sitting there kinda naked. It's very different when you can run around and you wear this different costume or don't have to feel what it feels like just to be with what's there underneath the doing.
And so I'd like for you to think about something that you've been should-ing on yourself around in terms of getting it done. So just take a little time to get into contact with that thing. And if you've got several of those things, just choose one.
As you're getting in contact with that thing that you've been should-ing yourself around getting done, notice what physical sensations come up while you're thinking about that thing. Notice where you're feeling that in your body.
And don't give yourself a hard time if you're not really locating that place exactly. Just be easy with yourself about whatever's coming up.
And we're just going to bring a little bit of self-compassion to this feeling.
This is a great opportunity for hand on heart. I'm also a big fan, I've said this before I think, of hand on belly as well. My tendency is to do both. Have one hand on my heart and one hand on my belly. You can have your hands anywhere though, that feels soothing to you. Where you can just make contact with yourself. Give yourself some sweet, loving touch.
This would be a great time as you're, you're feeling this difficulty, feeling this challenge, to just say to yourself, whether it's out loud or inside to just say, "wow, this is painful", or "this is challenging", or "this hurts" or "ouch", or "I don't like this". "I don't like that this thing isn't getting done". Whatever language feels right for you. And just using that loving touch and just bringing your attention to that area. It's okay to not like what's happening, even if it's happening. It doesn't change that it's happening, but it doesn't mean we have to like it.
And then bringing in a gentle reminder. "I am not alone in this. There are so many other people in the world that are struggling with getting things done and are pushing themselves to get things done or really need to rest and aren't." Again, use your languaging here.
And again, your job is just to be with what is coming up. That's it. Easier said than done. Right. Very simple idea. Very challenging practice.
Isn't something we're generally good at from the starting block, so not to worry about that.
And then "may I be kind to myself around this. May I be able to let this go for a little while in the service of my need to be, rather than do". "May I let go of judgment around the fact that X hasn't been done".
You might even find yourself saying, "may I have the courage to take X off my plate completely". "May I have the discernment around what I actually need to do and what I can let go of". Just following what comes up for you. Only you know what that's gonna look like for you. Only you know what you need here. And this is the practice of listening for those answers to come. Which we can only do when we are able to sit and be and listen.
Okay. Once you have sat with that, once you've felt everything coming through, whenever you're ready, you can open your eyes and then begin to move back into your day. You might decide that you want a little bit more time to rest. You can give that to yourself. Again, when it comes to rest more is more. And this is something you can come back to anytime you like.
What I want to end with here is just saying that again, we're in the midst of all these things happening, internal and external. It's a lot at once. And to just remind yourself that it is essential now more than ever to be resting, to be taking breaks. We're tired. We need the rest so that we can recover and also so that we can make all the practices that we're in sustainable.
So that's an important reminder. Okay. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling tired. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling like you can't get some things done right now. Give yourself so much grace. I mean, truly we could all use more of that. So as you move through this next week, may you find a way to give yourself some rest to take some space and time that's just for being rather than doing. Okay. I will look forward to next week. And until then be gentle and good with your sweet selves.
Thank you so much for listening today. If you are enjoying this podcast, please consider writing a review and giving it a five-star rating. This is something that can make the podcast more visible to others who might benefit. And if you are wanting to connect with me, I would love it. My contact info and socials are in the show notes.