Hi there. Welcome to One Day You Finally Knew: A Podcast for Folx Breaking Away. I'm your host, Jessica Chasnoff. And I am thrilled to be here. A partner walking alongside you, as we explore and uncover what no longer serves us and how we might be able to let those things go and set them down. Let's see where our walk takes us today.
Hello there. Welcome back. So good to be with you as always. Here we are middle of January and like so many of us, I certainly was fine with seeing the back end of 2021, but here we are in 2022. Right. And, we've got, uh, a lot of the same difficulties going on. Difficulties putting it mildly in some cases. You know, things are very much still challenging.
Whether we're talking about the pandemic, whether we're talking about all the things that are going on in the world, and there were so many things going on in the world. You know, I don't mean to get all kumbaya on you, but we are connected. Even if we don't feel like it. Every single living being on this planet is inextricably intertwined with every other one.
At least IMHO. So to me, what this means is we are going to be feeling all the feels. Not just at the micro level, but at the macro level. And so today I just wanted to talk a little bit about breaking away from being okay. Because, I, what do I want to say here? I mean, I just really don't think that any human can really be super okay right now. And, and I'm including myself in this, by the way. We are so exhausted by what has been happening over the last couple of years with this pandemic. Everybody's tired. Everybody's been affected to more or a lesser degree.
I just don't see how really anyone could be fully in their groove. Right. And so I guess we could say that doesn't mean no one's okay. Just means that I don't see how anyone can be feeling tip-top, at the very least. What is also happening is all of us have moments when not only are we not feeling tip-top, we really aren't feeling okay.
This has to be normalized because I think it is a real problem to suggest that everyone keep going along with the belief or the expectation that they should be feeling fine and dandy. Now the thing is that this is of course a what this society wants. Productivity is what you are lauded for. Keeping going, never resting, not taking breaks, hustle culture. Right. You've heard me talk about all of this before.
And so there is this big lie, right? That, that we should all be able to keep like chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga. Right. Just going and going no matter what. So really the problem is this idea that we need to keep it together. That's the problem. That society's suggesting that we'd better be okay. Even though nothing is okay about what's happening. That is the problem. You are not the problem. Not being okay is not the problem.
So there's a way that if we say we're okay when we're not okay, we could be doing that because it is expected of us, but it isn't compassionate. Right? We might think that we're taking care of others doing this. We're actually being, enmeshed or codependent or however you want to put it.
We're not being compassionate because if we are modeling that we've got to look like we have it all together, or we've got to pretend that we're okay when we're not, we are modeling a lack of self-compassion and a lack of self-care to others in our life. Friends, clients, children, mentees of any kind, people who are looking up to us in any way.
We really don't just do ourselves a disservice by claiming that we've got it all together. We're lying. And in that lie is showing other people that they have to keep that hustle going too. That they can't be easy on themselves either. That they can't give themselves a break.
There is a continuum here, right? I mean, if you're not able to get out of bed and your social and occupational functioning are at risk, you can't manage your activities of daily living. Then it is really important that you reach out and get some help.
But the idea of just like being able to go on and do all of our things. Our jobs. Be in all of our relationships, be driving our cars, be doing whatever we do for work and feeling like we got to keep going without being impacted at a big level. That's got to stop because we are being impacted.
I know that I see this everywhere. I have had clients over these past couple of years, who've had medical issues telling me about what is happening in doctor's offices and hospitals. It's disheartening. It's also frightening to think about people being so off their game.
And so not okay, that records have been lost at hospitals. Of major stuff, like happening under anesthesia. Lost. Doctors like losing it on my client because they're having a bad day. It has nothing to do with my client. I've heard this from several clients this past couple of years. And I know that I, you know, just going in for, you know, a yearly visit for something... I'll leave the kind of medicine out in case that particular practitioner comes upon the podcast at some point. A practitioner, I really like, clearly having a bad day, the day that I saw them a few months ago, and.... Just really having to sit there and breathe and give this person so much grace, because no one's on their game. I can do that because this was kind of a routine visit. If somebody had lost my records, when I had been under anesthesia for something, that would have been a different story. I don't know how much grace I could have given.
I'm having to give myself a lot of grace, you know? I've said it before and you know, I'll keep saying it. I have had to bump up my self-care in a massive way these past couple of years. Just so that I could keep holding the safe and sacred container that I hope to hold for my people. And some days are harder than others. Some days I do feel off my game and you know, I'd be lying if I said that clients couldn't feel that sometimes. I think they can, because again, we are all connected and it's this intimate relationship.
And again, I'm going to say that about me because I'm not just talking about everybody else out there. I'm talking about me as this human being, right. Who is also being impacted and trying to be a helper in the world. And some days I'm just like, How am I going to get, how am I going to do this today? Okay. So, it's hard. It's, it's, you know, it's hard to do all the things that you need to do to keep yourself focused and centered, you know, and, and I'm just like everyone else in that way.
And I'm really trying. And sometimes I nail it and sometimes I don't. So, I just really want to make it okay to not be okay. It doesn't have to be this dirty, shameful secret. Because we're all having a hard time in some way. When we talk about making it okay. I mean, I really want to support everyone in falling apart a little bit, because that's what we have to do sometimes. And we want to make sure that we are giving ourselves the space to just like, I don't know what that translates like into a visual that, that sound, um, I was noticing when I was doing that, I was just kind of like flopping out a little bit and kind of expanding and melting.
Right. I kind of got this. Jabba the Hutt image, just kind of like, blah, blah, blah, kind of blubbering, bubbling out. Yeah. That we could all just kind of collapse into this gelatinous mass sometimes, and that we can connect with each other. We can be in community in that way. Yeah. You're not feeling okay. Yeah. Tell me about it. I want to hear. How are you not feeling okay? I'm not feeling okay in this way either. Let's just talk about it and, moan and groan and be pissed off and be grief-stricken and cry and yell and belch and fart. And, you know, do whatever we need to, you know, do together, right?
We're all just these animals, right? Mary Oliver and Wild Geese. One of her most beloved poem talks about you do not need to crawl on your knees a hundred miles repenting. We're the soft animal that just loves what it loves. So it's like, what if we just get down to that, like soft, tender, yielding part that just kind of has to surrender to everything because there really is no other choice.
Instead of like, oh, I gotta keep it together and I've got a brace and I mean, we're going to naturally brace. I was actually just talking about this with my friend and massage therapist the other day, you know, that the muscles are going to do that because they're, they're readying themselves for action. They're potentiating for that action. And so there is bracing that's going to happen. We don't have to have any shame around our bodies doing what they need to do to protect us. And yet, can we just also melt into like, oh yeah, there's nothing wrong with me because I'm feeling in a way that hurts. You know, that is what's happening.
Right. I have the story from this is many years ago now. I think this must have probably been like 2005, it feels like forever ago now. I was really excited. It was my first space and I got this place in this like funky old building and, uh, had the walls painted with like this non-toxic, environmentally friendly paint and it was beautiful. And I had like all of these things and my family sent me my grandfather's very old desk that I loved very much. I really loved it as a kid. I would put things in the drawers and I would sit and draw. I was so excited to have this desk in my very own office that I was gonna have for the very first time as a psychologist.
I had everything already there. The desk was coming after I had already opened shop. I was seeing clients that day. And, It was delivered before I was going to see this next client and it was in pieces. It was totally in shambles when I got it.
And, you know, even though it was just a thing, my heart was like, broken. And I got really, really dysregulated. This was well before I started on my nervous system regulation journey and somatic experiencing journey as a client. And I just, I was just really kind of lost it and, um, you know, called my mom and was like crying and like yelling and then called the company, you know, and sounded like someone who was kind of, uh, losing it a little. But let me get to the point, which is, that client who I was going to see after lunch had been sitting out in the waiting area while I was having these phone calls where I was just a mess.
And while she couldn't hear what I was saying, she could hear that I was really upset. And, uh, so it was interesting. All of the calls were finished and I took a few minutes before I brought her in. And, um, I had asked her, I was like, so when. When did you get, when did you get here? And she told me and I, and I think it was just something intuitive because, I don't know if I was feeling from her that she was like, "whoa", or if it was just like, you know, me wondering, but I just said, Hey, um, did you hear me having some feelings in here?
And she was like, yeah, yeah, I did. And I was like, um, yeah, so I was having some feelings. And, you know, what was that like for you to hear your person who helps you feel and work with your feelings, how did you feel hearing her, having her feelings, and them not necessarily being super managed in that moment.
And I'll never forget this, you know, she was like, "I just thought it was great that you lose your shit too." That really was a great thing, right. Because we really, you know, we do all those our shit, and we don't necessarily lose it publicly or lose it, where, a client who's coming to us for help is within earshot. But this is the thing we, we do all lose it. We are all not okay sometimes. And it's better to be open about that, be truthful about that than to not be.
For her, it was like, this is a human being, which of course I always want to convey to my people. I might've shared this before here, but when I first see someone in our first session, when I'm going over the forms that they sign, that are my terms of service, you know, I say to them, I am a flawed human being like everyone else.
And if anything ever happens here, if I ever say anything that lands in an ouchie way, it's really important to me that you feel like you can tell me because while I'd love to be able to say that I'm artful and skillful with every word that comes out of my mouth, this is called a practice for a reason. I will never perfect this work and I may not be as artful as I'd like to be in every moment. And when you tell me that if that happens, then we can talk about it and repair and actually I get to become a better therapist. So I would thank you for it.
And, you know, that has happened. Things have landed "ouchily", with clients in the two decades that I've been doing this. Of course that's how it's going to go. But I've been very, very grateful when they've brought it in so that we can repair any kind of therapeutic rupture and so I can learn. And even though that experience with the client that heard me go ballistic on this company for demolishing my grandfather's desk. It wasn't a therapeutic break for her, but, but she did get to see me in a way that I am not necessarily presenting in front of clients. We got to talk about that and it was all cool cool. So I do think it is a gift when we are open about our not okayness.
And if somebody doesn't receive that as a gift, that isn't your problem. Ultimately, you know, unless you're actively hurting someone, if someone else can't witness you having your feelings then that's okay. Nobody has to be bad for that. Right. It just might mean that you're not going to be in each other's lives. Right. Okay. So we can make that okay, too.
There is one last piece I want to say here, which is, that even when we're not okay we want to, if we can, have some tools to feel the underlying okayness, even when the outward experience or the overlay does not feel okay. And I get that it's an inward experience too, right? We can feel like we're not okay inside, but even under that, under that somewhere, there is the okayness.
And so we want to be able to find that. That's really important. I think I just will give you a couple of thoughts about what might be a nice practice as a way of finding the okayness underneath. So today is Sunday, the 16th of January. It is also the 16th of Shevat in the Hebrew calendar, the Jewish calendar. And today is Tu B'Shevat, which is a holiday. Actually not a biblical holiday. It came later. But it is the new year for the trees.
It's really lovely to have a day that's in celebration of the trees being a year older. So today I participated in the celebration for me, which is about going and spending some time with the trees, taking a walk in the cactus forest here. Not all the trees are cactus, although it is true here in the Sonoran desert, a lot of the flora can hurt you. Lots of thorns and sharp, pointy prickles. So you do have to be careful of what you touch, but, I did decide that I was going to feel into the right tree to go and touch and lean on and be with, and just kind of hang out with this idea that, every time we breathe in, there is a tree that is offering us oxygen for that breath.
And every time we breathe out, we are offering a tree carbon dioxide. And so just the being with the tree and having this rhythmic breathing. Out for the tree, giving something to the tree and breathing in from the tree, feeling the gift from that tree. It was really lovely and beautiful and centering, and very much got me in touch with the okayness in my body. I was noticing when I was walking that I just felt very upright and very tall. I was really feeling the midline of my legs. I was feeling my feet on the ground. I was really feeling the length of my spine and I think I was also just really in touch with the strength of the tree, the rootedness and the length, right?
The upward and outward movement. And so for me, that was a way to really connect with my aliveness and my utter, utter okayness. And so I'm really going to invite you. It doesn't have to do with the tree though. Certainly, I absolutely suggest connecting with trees. What is a way that even if you're feeling not okay, that again, you can hold the not okayness and also go and find the okayness underneath the not okayness. And I'm saying underneath, but it might feel different in your body, right? I don't know what that will feel like for you. But I just want to offer that as a practice.
Again, the Both/And. Make it okay to not be okay. Break away from those thoughts that you need to be, okay. Because it's a lie. I mean, you know, like you're gonna feel not okay sometimes. And it's okay when you're not feeling okay.
As always, I'm so grateful that you have spent some of your day here listening to something that I hope gives you benefit. So until next time my sweets, be gentle with and good to your sweet selves.
Thank you so much for listening today. If you are enjoying this podcast, please consider writing a review and giving it a five-star rating. This is something that can make the podcast more visible to others who might benefit and if you are wanting to connect with me, I would love it. My contact info and socials are in the show notes.