Break Away from the Holiday BS

The fall and winter holidays are upon us, which can be a mixed bag for many of us.  There might be much holly, jolly, and there might be a great deal of stress. Perhaps both.

In this episode, Jessica reminds us that whether we're traveling to see family or popping over to a friend's house for holiday festivities, our true home is in our bodies, and we can rely on them to tell us whether something feels like welcome or warning, safety or danger, yum or yuck.

We just have to take the time and space to listen. 

If you're feeling pure delight about the upcoming holiday season, that is marvelous, and this episode might not resonate.  But if 'tis the season for feeling a whole host of feels that aren't so festive, you might find the offerings here will resource you when you're having a hard time.

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The One Day You Finally Knew: For Folx Breaking Away podcast is produced and edited by Jessica Chasnoff, a recovering perfectionist who is always on a learning curve. While she is a psychologist, this podcast is not a substitute for mental health services. If you're struggling with mental health concerns, please reach out to a professional near you.

In episodes where Jessica discusses cases, they are composites of her clients from over the past 20 years.  She has changed names, situations, and circumstances to protect client confidentiality.

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Transcript

Break Away from the Holiday BS

Hi there. Welcome to One Day You Finally Knew: A Podcast for Folx Breaking Away. I'm your host, Jessica Chasnoff. And I am thrilled to be here. A partner walking alongside you, as we explore and uncover what no longer serves us and how we might be able to let those things go and set them down. Let's see where our walk takes us today.

Hello, so good to be back with you. Thank you very much for understanding my week off from recording a podcast episode. I did miss talking to you and I was also very grateful to have my weekend to sort out and finish preparing for my presentation that I actually just gave this morning.

And I'm really thrilled with how it went. While I hope that it was worthwhile to everyone who was there, uh, people are going to get what they get out of things. And I just felt great about it. So a little update there. I asked for some feedback from folx on Instagram about whether people had a topic that they might want me to talk about. And I'm really excited that somebody brought up the topic of breaking away from all the winter holiday stressors.

So, yes, that's what I'm going to talk about today. Perfectly timed, as let's see, this is going to drop on Sunday, just before Thanksgiving or "Thanksgrieving" or whatever people choose to call it based on what their systems feel right calling it.

So, yeah, we're kind of hurtling into these holidays and I think it's a great idea to talk about how to break away from the holiday bullshit. That's not the wording that the listener used. That's the wording that I'm using. Breaking away from the holiday BS.

I imagine that a lot of you can relate to the stress that holiday times, specifically winter holidays. I guess we should say fall/ winter holidays, cause Thanksgiving is not technically a winter holiday. Though, depending on where you live in the world or in this country, it can feel like that. So, this time of year comes around. What I notice as a therapist is a lot of people really want to be on the calendar every week, starting about a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving and then moving all the way through the winter holidays, into New Year's. 

And then something else really interesting happens too, which is that there's also a lot of cancellations. And I think that's for many reasons. I think that the stressors get to feel like too much and people actually feel like it's overloading their system to come in and talk about it or process it in some way. And then also there's financial issues. People are like, Ooh, if I want to do the holiday gift budget, then I can't afford a therapy session every week this month.

And then I think there's also just people who, well, actually I know this to be true because several years ago I had somebody get in touch with me like an hour before their appointment. And they were like, "I haven't finished my Christmas shopping. I have to finish. I can't make the session".

And I was like, okay, that's cool. You gotta pay for the session, cause I'm not going to be able to get anybody in with an hour's notice. Hard knocks. That happens too. So the increased stress and the tendency for clients to really want to make sure that they're on the calendar, right?

So much of this comes from the memories that come up about the holidays and potentially getting together with family for the holidays, strained relationships, distant relationships, conflictual relationships. Certainly now we've added in what it's like when you have family members on the opposite pole that you are on in this very polarized country.

There have been, I'm sure you've seen them, lots of articles, uh, advice, columns written about how to handle sitting next to Uncle Jim at the dinner table, where he's spouting off about Q Anon. Right. You know, so, this certainly is something that's real and true and valid. What I've seen over time and have also had an experience around is people feeling in the holly, jolly mood. They're excited for the holidays. They want to see family. They want to get together and then ultimately, it's kind of a shit show. I mean, if not externally with everybody there, it feels like that internally.

And people are like, why do I think I really like the holidays? And that's a good question. I think that there's a way that we want to think that we've had great holiday experiences with family. We have these great movies. My personal favorite is A Christmas Story. You know, we want things to be sweet and we want enjoyment and we, I think, have that fantasy, that that is actually how it is when we're with our families. When actually it's not.

 And that's certainly not the way it is for everybody. I mean, there's some people that are just like, "it's a shit show every time I did not have great memories about it ever". Right. So there's lots of factors here that kind of make up that storm. So the way that I, I want to approach this as really, to just talk about ways that we can, you guessed it, take care of ourselves around the stress that holidays are bringing up. And it's probably no surprise to you that I'm going to be inviting you to get curious about what's happening in your body. 

So this is an area where people have a hard time saying no to invitations for holiday gatherings, whether it's family or whether it's friends. Certainly when it's family, it can be a lot more challenging to say no. It can be with friends too, but you know, family, I mean, they installed your buttons, so of course, they know how to push them.

So, this idea that we do have a choice about whether we're going to go to a gathering or not. , I cannot tell you how many people I know whether it's in a therapeutic setting with me as their therapist or people out in the world that I'm acquaintances with, or friends with, where it actually was such a relief when nobody was traveling last year before the vaccination.

 It was like, "okay, well, we, we don't have to do this" right?! Now, this year it's feeling a little bit different. Not for everybody. I mean, I will tell you, I am still not ready to fly. It's just not something I'm interested in putting my nervous system through. What works for me is to stay here and to spend some time with friends. But, you know, it's like, even though there is a choice, that can be very difficult for people. Because, what is the cost of that choice? So many, many folx decide that even though their first choice would be to say no they feel like the consequences of the saying no are not bearable. And that's certainly understandable. It's about just really getting curious about the yeses and the nos in your body. Really feeling in. Getting a sense of, okay, well, my body is telling me through some kind of sensation, some kind of imagery, some kind of temperature, textural quality, uh, color, it's telling me that I don't want to do this.

And I'm also choosing to. Or it's telling me that I do want to do this, and yet I know that there could be conflict. And so I feel torn. I want to, and I'm also feeling scared about it or there could be a total yes. Like, yeah, I really want to do it even though things get kind of weird. So that checking in and getting an understanding of what your body is telling you.

That's certainly a first step and then making the choice from that place. And just acknowledging that if you are getting a no, but you're saying, yes, there's nothing wrong with that, but just know that your body could find that challenge. And so I think a lot of people are here. Right? I think a lot of people are in this place of,I really get at least some, no, or a combination of yes and no around this. And I also feel like it's something that I'm going to go toward. 

And so how do we work with that? Because I think that's really the most common-- cause you know what I'm going to say here. If you get to "no" and you're cool with making that choice to say no, because you've felt a no, great, awesome. Done. All right. We don't really need to say more about that. Okay. But this place of feeling both or feeling a no and going toward it, that's really where we want to work here. 

So first initially feeling into what's happening. Right. And just being very clear that your body is not going to lie to you about this, and in Bessel van der Kolk's words, the body keeps the score. Right. So just have the acknowledgment around, um, I kind of getting a no here, I'm getting mixed feelings, but I'm going toward it. Okay. So, that's really the first step. That discernment. Okay. 

And I would invite you to really talk to your body here and say, "Hey, I know that you aren't cool with this, or I get that you're mixed with this and I want you to know that I got you and I'm going to take care of you, and I'm going to take care of all of us, all of the parts in here, whatever they are thinking and feeling. I'm going to take care of all of you. So bear with me". I've talked a little bit about that, right? When there's a no coming up, like you can't, you can't cut the thing off yet. We make sure that the body knows that we're supporting it and the decision to either not do the thing or to have its feelings about not wanting to do the thing, even though we're choosing to do the thing.

Okay. Real technical language there. Do the thing. I will just go back here for a moment. If you are not sure whether you're getting a yes or a no, sit with it and see what emerges. A really cool exercise, I've been really into this lately, as I learn more about polyvagal theory and how neuroception, which is a word that Stephen Porges made up, who is the creator of polyvagal theory, neuroception is our ability to perceive the cues that we're getting about yes or no, yum or yuck, welcome or warning, yay or noooo.

 The signals that are going on all the time inside us, based on our nerves that are going on in the outside world, that our nervous system is perceiving, that we're feeling coming toward us. And then also how the nervous system is reacting to the world outside at large, right. Or relationally between people. Between our nervous systems. Okay. There's always cues about safety or danger. Okay. And again, these are perceptions, right? It might be perceived danger that isn't really danger, but that is the perception.

And our body is always sharing that with us. So I really have been enjoying playing with this exercise of looking at images or sharing images in my story on Instagram, where people can look at things that are innocuous. Right. But they can be warning to some and welcome to others. And we don't necessarily know why, and we don't really need to figure it out, but the point is to be able to start listening to what is happening inside.

So we are able to identify what is a yes and what is a no. And how do we know that it feels like safety or danger, right? How do we know that it feels like yum or yuck. What starts happening in our systems? So if you are struggling with any decisions about whether something is a yes or a no, I would really invite you to start doing the work of sitting and feeling into what you perceive as pleasant or unpleasant or neutral, and where you feel that, how you feel it, how it's showing up so that you can more easily identify when something is a yes or a no for you. Okay.

So let's say you've made this decision to go to your family's thing. It's complicated, but you're deciding to go. Here's the next bit of self-care that's so, so important. It sounds really simple, but we forget, or we don't think that it's okay that we do this. Right. And part of that is because we haven't been taught that it's okay. And you're like, okay, well, what's the thing, what's the thing. Okay. I'm going to tell you the thing. It's taking a break. When we start to feel like we're in a situation where we are getting a no, we're starting to feel discomfort.

We're starting to feel some unpleasant stuff going on inside us or outside of us that we're picking up and we're feeling, that we get to come back to ourselves. We get to come back to our own energy system. That is home. Right. You might be going home in air quotes to see your family, but your actual home where you live is your body.

So I want to give you some ideas for how you can take a break. Whether you're just driving somewhere and you're spending time with family for a few hours, right. Or, or you're going to be there for several days, right. The amount of breaks and the kind of breaks are going to depend on how long your system is with other systems. So keep that in mind. Okay. Going out and taking a walk or just going out and standing on the porch by yourself. Okay. If it's cold weather where you are, bring your coat, bring your scarf and hat and mittens. 

 If you have a partner or somebody that you came with that you feel like you are in resonance, with, and you would like to ask them to be a resource for you when you take your break, you can go together. If you feel like you can't leave the house, like this is what bathrooms are for.

 I mean, that's not all the bathrooms are for, but, go and put the seat down,sit on the John for a few minutes and take some breaths. Come back to your system. Even if it means that you are putting your hands on yourself. So if you were to see me right now, like I'm putting my hands down my legs and kind of, you know, feeling the lengths of my legs.

I'm kind of brushing down my arms a little bit, brushing down my torso, just kind of remembering, this is me. This is my body. This is my system. It's really easy when we're with family to get into these enmeshed or codependent ways of being. Just the act of you being like, oh right. I have my own body. I have my feet that I can vote with and we can go into the other room for a moment. That's half of it. Just pulling yourself out of that remagnetization back into the family patterning. As I said earlier, they don't just push your buttons, they install them.

Right. So not giving yourself a hard time if you're feeling like you're having a hard time. When we go back to family, this is where it all started. This is where we learned to self-soothe or didn't. This is where we learned self-compassion or didn't. This is where we learned so much that informed what our nervous systems were going to be like. And so not to give yourself a hard time, if you're having a hard time from being pulled back into their vortex.

Another thing that comes up for people is what if Aunt Mary wants to talk about this thing that I don't want to talk about. I've had many, many clients over the years be like, uh, they're gonna ask me what's happening with my career path. And I, you know, I don't want to talk about it.

 So I'm going to tell you about "the broken record", which is one of my faves. So, the broken record is when somebody is wanting something that we don't want, right? We're getting that no inside ourselves, or they want to talk about something that we don't want to talk about because there's a no there that we get to say, very kindly ,"I get that you'd like to talk about that" or "I get that you want this", or "I get that" you, you know, fill in the blank. "And that isn't going to work for me". Okay. And again, we say this kindly, right? We're not like, I mean, you know what we could be like. I mean, I know what I could be like myself. Right. What I have been like, I'm certain of it at a family gatherings past. 

So just, yeah, really kindly "I totally get that you would like to talk about this or you would like to do this and that just doesn't work for me". Right. And so what will often happen is the first time it's a little bit of like a shocker because you haven't done that before. And so they're going to push, and so you say it again. Just in the same way. ' I really get that you'd like to do this, or, um, you're feeling like this or, or you want to talk about this and it just doesn't work for me". Right. 

Generally, by the second time, they're getting your no. Folx will generally push back once more. Now I am not going to sit here and tell you that there are people who will not lose it over this.. And you have to determine what's going to work with your own family. That being said, if somebody loses it over, you saying no to them, you have choices about what you want to do around that. Right? What are we doing here? We're setting a boundary. 

So generally, if the person is a reasonable enough human being, they will potentially push back one more time. And then you get to say the exact same thing, like a broken record. One more time. "I totally get how you'd like that. And it's just not going to work for me". And at that point, the person generally backs off.

And again, if they don't, you're at a choice point about what you're willing to tolerate. Okay. And also keep in mind that, you know, unless this is somebody who's like pulled you aside for some conversation, in the corner, other people are seeing this. And so they're not necessarily going to want to be seen as continually pushing and pushing and pushing on you. Okay. I give that move 100% rotten tomatoes vote. That's a goodie.

 So that's the family stuff. The other thing I just want to mention, because again, even though a good part of this country does not believe that COVID is still happening it is. And so I really want you to just remember that above all, put your safety and comfort at the top of this list. If everybody else is going to the gathering, but something doesn't feel right in you, you know, maybe not everybody is vaccinated at the gathering and you're going to be indoors.

And you haven't had a booster, yet. Or maybe everybody is vaccinated, but like, you know, at this point our immunity is potentially waning, right? So I think we do need to be in constant conversation with our system about what we're comfortable with and what we're not, and how much of a risk we're feeling like we can take without being plunged into full blown anxiety.

Okay. So that's the family gathering friend gathering piece and checking in with yourself. The other thing I want to say about this too, is it was interesting because the last year, I didn't do anything with anybody for Thanksgiving. I don't celebrate Christmas. I hang out with friends and do their Christmases if they do it, but, I'm a Jew, so, getting together on Christmas, for me, isn't so important because that's not my lineage. If anything, Thanksgiving has always been something that felt more important to me. But what was interesting was last year I did neither and I really enjoyed it. I mean, I really enjoyed just being like, "this is just a day and I'm, I'm hanging out here with my dogs". If you're up for it and you don't actually have a plan or just are deciding not to go to a gathering, really allow yourself to feel what it feels like to not go.

And that it's really okay. The bottoms do not have to drop out of our worlds because we don't get together with people for Thanksgiving, or we don't get together with people for whatever winter holiday. That's something that's really been conditioned into us. Right. And again, I'll go back to what I said a little bit earlier. We think we have these great memories of holidays and there are people that do. And that's great. But there's also a lot of people that don't, and then when they're alone, somehow they feel like that's worse. But in reality, if we sit and we feel into the solitude and the peace from not having to deal with a bunch of family bullshit or worse family trauma or abuse, that can be a sacred thing. So I just want to throw that out here too.

And again, everybody knows this. Okay. I do just want to say though that you don't have to buy into the commodification of a holiday. Despite the fact that that is what our capitalist country wants us to do, you don't have to. Whether you have a comfortable amount of money in the bank or not. There is nothing wrong with not buying shit for people. I don't think this can be said enough. You don't have to partake of any of this. That's just really what I want to drive home here for everybody today. You have choices about what you're going to do and what you're not going to do, and that you can stand by those choices. And I stand here behind you with gentle hands, having your back around this, supporting you around this. 

Okay. All right. I feel like I could say more, but I feel like this is going to go longer than anybody will want it to go if I, break it down further and say more. So I feel like that's enough. I will just say this though as one last bit. If you just are totally into our fall and winter holidays, that's great. This episode you might be like, "I don't know what she's talking about. This stuff is great for me" and I support you in all the joy and delight and wonder of the season, truly. I just wanted to make sure to, speak that too. 

So my friends, I'm going to wrap up there for today. If anybody would like to share about their holiday experiences, how it might've been different, how they might've noticed different experiences, different sensations inside of them, even if they didn't outwardly do anything different, as always, I love feedback. Whatever you decide to do wherever you decide to go, however, you decide to be, mmm, be gentle with and good to your sweet selves. Okay Until next time.

Thank you so much for listening today. If you are enjoying this podcast, please consider writing a review and giving it a five-star rating. This is something that can make the podcast more visible to others who might benefit. And if you are wanting to connect with me, I would love it. My contact info and socials are in the show notes.