Revitalizing Intimacy: Unlocking the 10 Secrets to a Thriving Marriage

We explore practical strategies to enhance intimacy in marriage, discussing the importance of trust, communication, and connection. Couples can reignite their passion and strengthen their bond with ten actionable tips.

• Understanding the reality of no-sex marriages
• The essential role of communication in intimacy
• Importance of giving full attention
• Acknowledging and encouraging positive attributes
• Being assertive without being critical
• Avoiding the critique trap in conversations
• Listening to understand rather than judge
• Practicing active listening techniques
• Skipping the blame game and taking mutual responsibility
• Managing conflict effectively
• Seeking help when needed and knowing when to pause

When you sign up for my newsletter, you'll receive my 2025 stress-busting strategies list for free.

Here is a link to the article Ignite Your Passion: 10 Ways to Boost Intimacy

Be sure to check out my website

Facebook Link

Tactical Prayer Guide Link!

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

Resilient Solutions, season 4, episode 5, ignite your Passion 10 Ways to Boost Intimacy in 2025. Have you ever struggled with intimacy in your marriage? Trust me, you're not alone. I've been through my share of awkward moments. There have been times in our marriage where I was more like a knuckle-dragging Neanderthal than a compassionate, kind husband. But I'm trainable and teachable and over the years, I've learned a lot of lessons, and today we're going to talk about some things that you can do to enhance your intimacy. Matter of fact, I'm going to share with you 10 things you can do to begin to increase your intimacy this week Simple, straight to the point stuff that'll help you and your spouse out. I'm John Thurman, and welcome to my podcast, john Thurman's Resilient Solution Shortcast, where I help you become more resilient in your personal life, your relationships and in your faith. Let's jump right in today.

Speaker 1 1:05

There's been some fascinating research over the years that shows that about 15% of American adult couples married couples have no-sex marriages, that is, they've not had any sexual activity in the past six months. Well, I hope you're not one of those Now. There are some good reasons for that. Sometimes it can be some remembrances of some sexual trauma. Sometimes there can actually be some medical issues going on. Lots of times, though, it's related to lost communications, bitterness, resentment, people turning back from each other turning away from each other rather than turning towards each other and today I'm going to give you some tools and tips that you can use to reintroduce intimacy in your marriage in a way that's safe and fun, that honors your spouse and honors you and God.

Speaker 1 1:49

One of the golden rules for building a healthy, resilient relationship is understanding. The true foundation of intimacy is based on trustful, meaningful communication. Now, I have people take issue with me a lot on this, but in marriage conferences done over the years, I will have a point sometimes where I'll separate the men from the women and I'll tell the women women, would you like to have your husband talk more? And they said, of course, I'd like him to talk more. I long for communication with my spouse and I'll say well, let me ask you this how are you doing in the intimacy department? Are you available to him? Is he available to you? Are you all able to have some experience, some biblical pleasure and all that means? And if they pause, I know there's an issue. So I try to encourage the ladies to find ways to encourage your husband, to respect him, to build him up. Matter of fact, I love the book For Men Only and For Women Only where they say men need three basic things. Men need to feel competent, needed, respected. So, ladies, if you're doing what you can do to help him feel competent, needed and respected, he may learn how to talk to you more. Now, at the same time, I tell guys you need to read the book For Men Only and that basically tells the men that, hey, your wives need to feel valued, cherished and secure, and one of the ways you do that is through great communication.

Speaker 1 3:08

So I really believe one of the keys to great intimacy and sex in a marriage has to do with good communication. If you're communicating, you feel safe, you feel secure, you feel like you understand each other. It is easy to experience deeper levels of intimacy. So we're not talking experience deeper levels of intimacy. So we're not talking about just physical sexual intimacy. I do have another podcast that you'll find a link to in the show notes that talks about the five different levels of intimacy. But we all know that the key to having great intimacy is good communication. And when we understand that the strong relationship is based on communication and trust. It's easy to build intimacy, and today we're going to go over 10 ways that you can boost your intimacy in your marriage.

Speaker 1 3:53

Number one give your full attention. When you and your partner are talking, put down the phone, close the laptop, turn off the TV, pause the Hallmark movie, because they need your attention more than TikTok needs your scroll. Just dial it in. Be attentive to them, listen, turn to them, look them in the eye and watch them. It's amazing what happens when you do this. Secondly, spot the good stuff.

Speaker 1 4:19

Now, if you're a wife or lady listening to this, I'm going to tell you a secret about men. Men are just dogs. Now don't jump on that too hard and too fast. And what I mean by that is men need basically three things to be happy Someone to feed them, someone to play with them and some of the cases say good boy. So many times in our marriages we get tied up in knots over these petty differences and criticisms, and a lot of times women don't really think about it. But every time you give your husband unsolicited advice, what you're telling me is really knucklehead and he's stupid and he's an idiot and he needs to learn to be more and do more. The truth is, we long for your respect and your encouragement. So if you can find us doing something right, just tell us. Say, baby, when you do this, this means so much to me, thank you.

Speaker 1 5:09

Now, guys, before you get big headed, there's some things you need to do too. When you give that full attention to your wife and you acknowledge her and you call her out in good ways, you tell her how cute she is, how attractive she is, how pretty her hair is, how you love the way she walks, the way she moves, that is money in the bank, because you are building her confidence. You are letting her know as her husband, her friend, her spouse and her lover, that she absolutely meets the needs in your life. So, number one give her full attention to each other. Number two spot the good stuff and call it out. One of the most powerful things I've seen in marriage is when a husband and a wife can find ways to compliment each other and encourage each other. Folks, it's the money in the bank. That's like the gold standard is. Just edify each other.

Speaker 1 5:59

Number three be assertive, but don't be a bully or don't be witchy. It's all about delivery. Folks Use I statements instead of finger pointing and saying you are just rolling your eyes or ignoring, or being gruff and grumpy and mean. Here's a tip the next time your partners run a little bit late, don't remind them that they're running late. Don't say something like you're always late, why can't you be on time? Instead, like if it's a phone call rather than going, why don't you call me sooner? Why don't you try something like I worry when I don't hear from you? You're basically saying the same thing. You're just packaging it Nider. So be assertive, but don't be a bully or a nag.

Speaker 1 6:41

Number four avoid the critique trap. Criticism is like kryptonite in a relationship. A wise man named William Arthur Ward once said Flatter me and I may not believe you. Criticize me and I may not like you. Ignore me and I may not forgive you. Encourage me and I may not forget you. Dr Jordan Peterson says one of the things that he finds that people need is a simple word of encouragement. Can you believe that the scripture talks about this time and time again, about how a word rightly spoken is just a wonderful treasure? So be intentional.

Speaker 1 7:17

An old method I learned back in the 90s was called the sandwich method, and this concept is basically like you say, hey, here's something good. You know, honey, I really appreciate when this happens and then you sandwich it with the negative message. However, this kind of bugs me a little bit. I'd really like to work on happens and then you sandwich it with the negative message. However, this kind of bugs me a little bit. I'd really like to work on it. And then the other piece of the bread, the other part of the sandwiches. But we've been able to work through this before and I know we'll be able to work through it again. I really appreciate you. So that's the sandwich method Share something good, share the concern without being too negative, but share it clearly and then move forward.

Speaker 1 7:47

Another way we do that is what I learned in the military and what I use in my critical event work is the after action report, and that is what did I do right, what did I do wrong and what can I do better. That will help you avoid the criticism critique trap and help you learn to share those concerns, but do it in a way where you're reframing it and it's positive and it can be a growth thing. It can be something that's based in encouragement rather than discouragement, and this is one I've heard because I am so busted on this. Sometimes I'll cook dinner. My wife will say hey, babe, I love your chicken, it's fantastic, but if you could clean up afterwards that would be awesome and thanks for dinner. Yep, she's had to do that to me on more than one occasion, but I'm glad to do it.

Speaker 1 8:34

Number five listen to understand, not to judge. You've got two ears and one mouth. Use them wisely. You want to go into a conversation trying to understand what your partner's saying. Instead, what we tend to do is we tend to race ahead of the conversation to anticipate what they're going to say so we can come back with an answer. Don't do that, just listen, be in the moment. So so far we've talked about number one. We want you to give your full attention. Two spot the good stuff. Three be assertive, not a bully. Number four avoid the good stuff. Three be assertive, not a bully. Number four avoid the critique trap. And number five listen to understand and not to judge. Well, let's move right along to number six active listening.

Speaker 1 9:19

This isn't just a ploy. Basically, what you want to do is try summarizing what you think you hear your partner is saying and then share your thoughts. It might go something like this, babe? This is what I think I hear you saying. Am I in the ballpark and then give your spouse a moment to give you an answer? They may say, man, you are spot on, that's great. Or they may say I didn't say that and if you didn't get it, just redo it. That's really what active listening is Hearing what a person's saying, summarizing back to them what you think you hear them saying and then getting feedback to where you got it right or not. And what I've learned about this in couples communication is if you start doing that, it's real easy for both of you to do it.

Speaker 1 10:02

Number seven skip the blame game. We're not playing pin the tail on the emotional donkey here. Instead of keeping score or passing blame like a hot potato, just own it. Work together for a solution. There's this crazy energy that comes up when you both assume responsibility for miscommunications and mess ups. Really, you don't have to look at it harming your ego. Well, the best thing you do is say honey, I was wrong. Matter of fact, I tell guys this all the time Guys, here's a great line, honey. Only now am I realizing how wrong I've been about X, y, z. I've been wrong before and I'm going to be wrong again, but I want you to know I'm trying to work on it, would you forgive me. So just skip the blame game. It goes all the way back to Genesis 1, and you aren't really doing anything new by doing it. When you blame others, you really are just kind of being shady and not owning your part of it. Number eight manage your conflict. I'll talk about this in another podcast where I give you 10 tips on how to manage conflict. But you need to manage conflict and I've got 10 tips, 10 ways you can fight fair in your marriage, and that'll be a link to that in the show notes.

Speaker 1 11:13

Number nine if you need help, get help. Don't hesitate to get counseling. I do this all the time. Part of my relationship coaching work is I have people from all over the country that will text me or email me and say, hey, we got this going on. Can you help us? And one of the neat things about being a relationship coach is being in the same relationship 53 years plus being a mental health professional and a minister. I know some stuff about this and I can help you. If you need more help, you can just shoot me an email at john at covert mercy that's john at covert mercy. And if I can't help you, check with someone in your neighborhood or your area. Talk to a pastor or you can call focus on the family and they have a whole network of counselors which I'm a part of. They can help you find a Christian counselor in your neighborhood or your area. So number nine get help if you need it.

Speaker 1 12:03

Number 10, if all else fails, hit the pause button. Sometimes when you get heated and have a hot discussion, you can kind of feel your heart rate and your brain really ramping up. And if you find that your brain's beginning to race, you're beginning to get upset and anxious and angry, hit the pause button. Go out on a date, have a weekend getaway, do what you can do to just unload some stress and reconnect. So I've given you 10 tips on how you can improve your intimacy and some of you are going well.

Speaker 1 12:33

I thought we were going to talk more about sex. Well, let me tell you, if you're working on these other issues and you're working on communication, the physical intimacy stuff will work itself out. I believe that God has called Christians couple to have this extraordinary physical intimacy because it's based on intimacy with God that he's preordained for us to experience and as you and I work in our communication, as you and I work on really getting more and more connected, we will find some wonderful ways to ignite our passion by finding 10 ways to boost intimacy. I've given you 10. I hope you'll go through again, take a look at it, read the blog and maybe pick two or three you can work on and make it your project this week to become a better lover by becoming a better communicator.

Speaker 1 13:20

I'm John Thurman and you can learn more about me at my website, johnthurmannet. If you need some more information about coaching and counseling, or if you want to hire me to speak at my website, johnthurmannet, if you need some more information about coaching and counseling, or if you want to hire me to speak at your event, you can get in touch with me through my email, john, at CovertMercycom that's J-O-H-N, at C-O-V-E-R-T-M-E-R-C-Ycom, for more information on my writing and other things. I do check out my website at johnthermannet, and thanks so much for joining me today. My name's John Thurman and you've been listening to my podcast, john Thurman's Resilient Solutions, and remember this is the day that the Lord has made and I will make a choice to rejoice and be glad in it. God bless, see you next time. Hey, why not sign up for my newsletter? When you sign up for my newsletter, you'll receive my 2025 stress busting strategies list for free. Thanks a bunch, god bless. See you next time.