Debunking Marriage Myths: Cultivating Intimacy and Lasting Love, Part #3 - 2025 Update

This episode debunks three critical marriage myths: that great relationships don’t require sexual intimacy, that a marriage can’t survive a flawed partner, and that there’s a singular right way to navigate a relationship. The conversation emphasizes acknowledging intimacy, embracing imperfections, and creating personalized paths to strengthen marriages.  <br>• Discusses the significance of sexual intimacy in relationships  <br>• Emphasizes the importance of accepting each other's flaws and vulnerabilities  <br>• Debunks the myth of a 'one right way' to handle relationships  <br>• Encourages creativity in developing unique relational practices  <br>• Suggests practical actions to strengthen intimacy and connection

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Transcript

Intro

John Thurman 0:00

Resilient Solutions, season 4, episode 8, revitalize your Marriage 9 Marriage Myths you Need to Debunk Right Now. Part 3. Well, hello and welcome to my podcast, john Thurman's Resilient Solutions Shortcast, where I help you become more resilient in your personal life, your relationships and in your faith. As I mentioned in the introduction, this three-part series is really designed to deal with some of the common hell myths that hold couples back, and today we'll be talking about the final three. Today we'll look at tackling the myth of a great relationship does not involve sexual intimacy. Fyi, it does. The second myth we'll discuss is the whole idea of can I withstand my partner's flaws? Now, folks, we're all a little weird, but I actually hear people come in and say well, I didn't know I was marrying someone with depression, or I didn't know I was marrying with someone with this, that or the other, or my spouse has a fill in the blank. We're all broken folks, all have flaws, and yet there's this myth that somehow Mr Right or Ms Wonderful is out there. They don't exist except in Hallmark movies. Then, finally, we'll look at is there only one way to make your relationship flourish? Looking forward to sharing this with you. I really believe, as we review this three-part series as you can identify one or two of the myths you believe and deal with it effectively. It'll greatly enrich your relationship. Well, let's jump right in today.

John Thurman 1:38

Relationship myth number seven A great relationship has nothing to do with sexual intimacy. Here's a shocking statistic for you In America, 14% of marriage couples have a sexless marriage. That means they do not experience physical intimacy, but maybe once every six months. Now, while there can be some reasons for that medical issues, psychological issues, physical issues the truth is that intimacy is of major importance in a marriage. In another blog and podcast, I talk about the other six levels of intimacy. Let me give those to you real quick and there'll be a link in the show notes. There's emotional intimacy, and that involves candid, authentic sharing of thoughts and feelings. Second one is intellectual intimacy. On this level, you can talk about current events, news, politics, religion, things going in the neighborhood. So emotional intimacy and intellectual intimacy. Next is recreational intimacy, and that is that you enjoy doing things together. These can be recreational activities exercising together, meeting with friends, playing games. It involves some type of activity. The next level of intimacy number four, I believe, is social intimacy. This is the whole concept of I have friends. You have friends and we have friends. It can involve community things, coworkers, people at church, but the idea is that I am intentionally connecting to others. Number five is spiritual intimacy, and this is an area that can be confusing for some people, because so many people have different expressions of faith. The key idea here is that we are in agreement on how we exercise spiritual intimacy. That may be quiet time, bible reading, going to church, participating in ministry and service projects a whole host of things. And then number six is physical intimacy. Sex, physical contact, being romantic All those are components of intimacy. So I want you to think about that, and there will be a link in the show notes to that article.

John Thurman 3:40

As we look at this myth of a great relationship has nothing to do with sexual intimacy. I just want to call that out as wrong. Physical intimacy is more than just procreation. It's a way we learn to bond together and manage together. It's how we kind of share our deepest parts with each other.

John Thurman 3:57

Now don't underestimate the power of sexual intimacy in your marriage. It's not just the physical act, but it's a way to open up and be vulnerable. It's a way of allowing your partner to be closer to you. It's a necessary time out from the hustle and bustle and stresses of the day. That adds a layer of closeness that's super important. Don't let this aspect of your relationship fade Now as you get older. It might not be intense and, as I said earlier, it might be. Some things physically or emotionally that kind of have slowed that down, but it's important that you do what you can do to keep those home fires burning, folks. You see, when sexual intimacy fades, it could be a sign that both partners need to work on some underlying issues. Sex is more than just a physical act. It's the way to connect physically, spiritually and emotionally, and it's powerful. Hopefully in your relationship you've had those moments. We've experienced that deep, deep connectivity.

John Thurman 4:52

In the process of expressing marital intimacy For my purpose here I'm not just talking about intercourse. I'm talking about touching soft words, cuddling, holding each other, caressing each other and providing just that physical comfort that we all need, I'd like to think of physical intimacy as a super glue that strengthens and sweetens your marriage. It's essential to keep this area of your marriage growing and thriving, no matter what stage you are. My wife and I have been married 53 years and while we may not have the intensity we had 30 years ago. We still have some intensity, so keep those home fires burning. Studies even show that couples in long-term relationships have more meaningful physical intimacy than single people.

John Thurman 5:38

If you want your physical intimacy to be fantastic, you have to work at it. This could mean scheduling regular date nights, exploring each other's appropriate fantasies or simply just making time for each other. And, for goodness sake, one of the things I remember telling a young couple one time is one of the most important things you can do in regards to intimacy is to take a shower. We really need to pay attention to this. We really need to pay attention to this. With rampant pornography and all the sexualized imagery we get on television, it's important that we, as Christians, base our intimacy on biblical values and really having exclusive partnerships with our life partners. There are so many things that can help you out here. If you're lacking in this area, if you go to my article, which will be a link in the show notes, I will push you to a couple of different resources that can help enhance your intimacy.

John Thurman 6:25

Myth number eight a great relationship can't survive a flawed partner. I have to tell you, this is one that makes me crazy. I'll have couples come in and they'll say well, I didn't know what I was getting when I got married. I didn't realize that my spouse was such a crazy or weird person. I didn't realize that my spouse was such a crazy or weird person. I didn't realize that they had depression or anxiety or bipolar disorder. I've heard this so many times. It just makes me crazy. I mean, it really does. I'll hear this. The person I married turned out to be a nut job. I didn't sign up for this. After the wedding, they started acting weird and bizarre.

John Thurman 6:58

The truth is, ladies and gentlemen, we're all a little weird, but I'll tell you, it's just so many people like to say well, my spouse is a narcissist, my spouse is a this or that. Before you go labeling people, why don't you go look at the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Health Disorders, number five, where it describes these different disorders? There really seems to be a trend today that everybody becomes a psychologist and if their spouse, husband or wife is a little weird, they'll label them as a narcissist or something else. You got to be careful with that, folks, because when you start labeling people, you begin to depersonalize them. The truth is, every one of us has our own baggage.

John Thurman 7:39

A term I like to use for this is we all have our own quote enduring vulnerabilities. Close quote these could be things like past trauma, insecurities, personal struggles, family of origin issues. We all have them. The secret to making our marriages work is to have a growth mindset and being willing to tolerate each other's crazy side while accepting those vulnerabilities. Remember all these little nuances make life and love enjoyable. You could say my spouse is weird, but in a fun sort of way. You see, we've got to understand and handle our partner's enduring vulnerabilities with care, love, affection, respect and tenderness. As long as your partner's quirks aren't abusive or downright destructive, you can learn to live with them. However, if your partner's quirks aren't abusive or downright destructive, you can learn to live with them.

John Thurman 8:25

However, if your partner's behaviors are causing harm and distress, it's essential to get professional help from a knowledgeable, trusted and experienced mental health professional. I'm dead serious here. If some of these vulnerabilities are causing issues and harm, talk to your professional, don't do Google. Talk to a living person. You can look at Special note here. Now, if your relationship involves a severe mental illness or physical illness, depression, addictions, phobias or PTSD, it is essential to work with someone who knows what they're doing. Don't trust the Internet for that. Find you a therapist that can help you work things out. There are so many competent Christian therapists and secular therapists that can help you through this. I just encourage you to do that. You also want to check out maybe community support agencies and faith-informed groups that can provide you additional support.

John Thurman 9:16

Remember, don't use the excuse that we can't survive a flawed partner, because we're honestly all broken. If it wasn't for Jesus, we'd be in one mell of a hess. See, there is none righteous, no, not one. There is nobody that's got all this figured out. And, as you and I give grace to each other, we grow as individuals, as humans, but we also grow as a couple as we learn to accept and lean into these things.

Myth # 9 There is Only One Way to Make Your Relationship Great

John Thurman 9:40

I remember I had a gal one time say well, my husband has a lot of baggage. So I listened, as any good therapist would. But then I asked her do you have any baggage from your family of origin or your last marriage? She paused and kind of smiled and she said I guess I'm busted. Folks, we're all broken, we all have issues, and part of being a Christian marriage is we are in a relationship with God, the Father, through Jesus Christ, who gives us what we need to make that marriage work. Matter of fact. Years ago I heard a great definition, an operational definition, of grace, and that is that grace is the power and the will and the ability to do what God wants me to do in a given situation. Take that and chew on it a while.

John Thurman 10:23

Myth number nine there's a right way and a wrong way to make your relationship great. Guess what? That's just simply not true. There's not a cookie cutter version of how to be married. Can you imagine how boring that would be? Matter of fact. I'm thinking of the Stepford Wives. We don't want to do that.

John Thurman 10:42

While the Bible does provide some solid guidelines for building a lifelong relationship, they're wrapped in principles that work across cultures. You see, there is no quote right way to show affection, to support each other, to raise kids and deal with in-laws, handle arguments, worship God or tackle life's challenges. Apart from allowing the Lordship of Christ to help you out there, what matters is finding ways to be together that work for the two of you. Whether it matches what your parents did, some popular book's advice, what they say on Focus on the Family or the latest talk show Guru, it really doesn't matter. Ephesians 5.21 talks about being mutually supportive. I would encourage you to read that, ephesians 5.21.

John Thurman 11:27

That means finding unique ways to serve your spouse, not yourself, not because you have to, but because you want to, because you choose to, because you choose to serve them. So don't be afraid to carve your own path in relationship. You honor God, you use the scriptures as your guideline and you and your spouse work together to be the best you can be with the power of the Holy Spirit, working the principles that God gives you in his word. Also, if you're not plugged into a church, get plugged into a church. You'll find some older believers there that can help you.

John Thurman 12:00

I believe that to have a rich marriage, you have to be a lifelong learner. My wife and I have been in therapy four or five times. We've done a ton of marriage conferences. We are lifelong readers and learners and what you need to do is to deliberately engage in learning more about how to be a better partner. Well, let me kind of wrap this up today.

John Thurman 12:20

First, remember sexual intimacy is not just a box to be checked. It's a God-given super glue that holds your relationship together. It helps keep things solid and sweet and deep. So go ahead, Schedule some regular date nights, surprise each other with some tender little gestures and make time for those special moments. Laugh about them, explore deeper ways to connect, have fun, oh and don't forget to shower.

John Thurman 12:46

Number two embrace you and your spouse's unique quirks, because you are both a little weird in a fun sort of way. You see, we all have a little bit of weirdness, and that's one of the things that can make life enjoyable. Instead of attempting to hide those flaws, laugh about them and explore ways that you can connect deeply and finally, toss out the notion that there's only one right way to navigate your relationship. Each couple is unique, so experiment with ways that work for you. Treat it like a pilot project In a pilot project. Sometimes the pilot project works and sometimes you just get lessons learned.

John Thurman 13:21

While the Bible gives us divine principles, it does not give us a detailed plan. However, god's grace is available to help us along the way, as well as his church, older marriage mentors and people that can come alongside of us. His grace is available to help us along the way, providing us with the wisdom, strength and insight and the patience to navigate the complexities of a marriage. Here's some action steps for you. Number one review the podcast or take a look at the blogs and identify a couple of the myths that you operate on. Number two determine a path of which two you're going to deal with, and you and your spouse work together on doing that.

John Thurman 13:59

Number three if you need help, get in touch with me. You can reach out to me on my email, john at covertmercycom, or you can go to my website, johnthurmannet, read some of the blogs excuse me, the things that I've said before or check out more of my podcasts, or you can do your own research and find a counselor a trusted counselor, preferably a Christian that can help you work through this. My name's John Thurman. You've been listening to my podcast, john Thurman's Resilient Solutions Shortcast, where I help you become more resilient in your personal life, your relationships and in your faith. Thanks for joining me today and remember this is a day that the Lord has made and I'll make a choice to rejoice and be glad in it. See you next time. God bless, take care.