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Chronicles Of A Therapist
Chronicles Of A Therapist
P.T.S.D. from Parenting?
In this episode of "Chronicles of a Therapist," Cassandra Shepard dives into the challenges of parenting and the emotional toll it can take on parents, which she refers to as "PTSD from parenting." Although she is not a parent herself, Cassandra shares insights from her experiences with friends, clients, and parents at her workplace. She discusses how modern parenting differs from previous generations, highlighting issues such as emotional detachment, instability, and the struggle to connect with children who often feel entitled and believe they know everything. Cassandra emphasizes the importance of emotional connection, self-care, and finding creative ways to bond with children. She encourages parents to seek support and to remember that parenting is a journey filled with trial and error. Tune in for practical advice on navigating the complexities of parenting and maintaining mental health.
**Chapters:**
00:00 Introduction
01:30 The concept of "PTSD from parenting"
03:00 Differences in parenting across generations
05:00 Emotional detachment and instability in parents
08:00 The importance of self-care for parents
10:00 Creative ways to connect with your child
12:00 Seeking support and building a parenting village
14:00 Conclusion and encouragement for parents
Hi guys, welcome back to my channel. I am Cassandra Shepherd and welcome to Chronicles of a Therapist. Welcome to my space. So I wanted to talk about something. I am not a parent, but I have been adjacent parenting that's my new one. I'm not a parent, but I've been real adjacent, I've been in the thick of it and so I've been noticing, with some of my friends, my loved ones, clients, parents at the school that I work at that I heard somebody say something and it was really ironic because I literally heard like four parents say this in one week and I was like, yep, okay, okay, I've been parents with Jason, so I haven't got here yet, but people are struggling.
Speaker 1:Ptsd caused by parenting, anybody who has been parenting yes, we love our kids, we were so grateful that they're in our lives, but parenting can be a mofo. It absolutely can, and I and I feel like people who, whether you've had both parents, one parent, no parent, adopted foster kid, whatever your experience with parenting, like growing up, parenting can still be difficult and there are a lot of reasons why parents are struggling. One I have said this I feel like these generations are just different. They just are very not like us and they shouldn't be. You know different generations, but like they're way more sensitive, they also are very entitled and what's actually interesting that I have seen those two things in a multitude of kids from 0 to 22. It's not just oh, I was raised by no, all of them are struggling and I don't know, I don't know what, I don't. Maybe maybe they had too much McDonald's growing up, I don't know, but they they different.
Speaker 1:So, and and I say that because the things that I experienced, just how my parents were, like they was on our neck, like that, like I've talked about, like how intentional, even in my parents lack, like I've talked about, how you know, both of my parents have struggled with substance abuse and mental health and while one was on and one was off, somehow they figured out how to do certain things. Like the level of discipline my parents and step parent created in our lives is is like crazy. Like now that I think about it, I'm grateful because it helped me be successful and motivated and determined and be able to problem solve. But, like when I'm parenting adjacent to people's kids and working with kids, I'm like, so you just got up and didn't clean your place, like why, why is that? Who, why, why, and the most interesting thing is, it's not even about the kind of parent they've had. Like, I've known parents who are very, very intentional, very tuned in give them time, give them. I'm not sure what's going on. And so the reason why I think that that's an issue is now these parents now have a level of PTSD because of how they were raised Our generation you was.
Speaker 1:You don't want to eat that breakfast. You're going to eat it today, all day. It's going to get eight because you asked for it. You don't eat by dinner, you don't have it for lunch or you don't want that. You're going to be hungry, Right? So there are things that we grew up as that now either you change some stuff or you kept some stuff, and so now you have a level of trauma because your kid has stressed you out.
Speaker 1:Uh, you know, I've worked with kids who are like how are you 13, running away now? Now, now, if you are running away from being sexually abused, verbally, physically abused, ain't no, ain't no food in the house, ain't no lights and gas, that's different. I would run away too. I gotta go, but go. But we're talking about y'all have, y'all basic, like y'all got the basic stuff and y'all run away. But you're only running away because you don't want to be told what to do.
Speaker 1:But the idea of what a parent is. The parenting experience is giving your child guardrails, teaching them, scaffolding them so that they are able to be adults who can fend for themselves. Do kids know this? Do teenagers know this? No, they think. I mean. I think that one of the differences is with us. We understood on some levels. I know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1:Your parent no, you don't know everything. Like, like, you might know some stuff. You might be really, really smart. You don't know everything, but these children don't think that way. They literally think they know everything. I have a niece who's 11. And she really be thinking she's the smartest person in the car. Sweetheart, you have 11 years of experience on this earth. You are smart, you're extremely smart. But just because you saw it on tiktok cap cut in instagram and you googled it doesn't mean that it's true, because you don't have the life experience to validate what you're saying. And this is these generations. They believe that they know everything and I believe that that that now causes a level of trauma in parenting, because you can't just beat your kids like you shouldn't just beat your kids, because with these kids you're gonna go to jail they call the cps.
Speaker 1:So you're gonna be in jail, you're gonna have child neglect and then you're never gonna be able to get a job because now you got a felony like you know what I'm saying and and I'm not saying that I support being beat because I don't but I did get whoopings. Okay, christine was giving us whoopings and Frank had us holding books and writing reports and stuff. So our discipline was a little bit different. But I think that parents' mental health is intensifying and it also can look like trauma. Now, granted, if you know anything about trauma, trauma really is textbook, because in this day and age, everything is traumatizing or has a trauma effect. But actual ptsd there is a perceived threat, or like somebody is going to threaten your life or kill you. So I'm hoping that your parenting experience hasn't allowed you to go that far. So we're, but for today's episode we're gonna call it PTSD from parenting.
Speaker 1:Um, so, first of all, how do you know that you are experiencing these things? One, you are detached as a parent, and not detached because oh my God, these bills. Detached, emotionally, detached, let me fix it. Not detached because listen. I just got home at nine. I'm sleepy, I need it. Please stop talking to me. I know y'all got food. Leave me alone. I need to take, I'm tired. No, I'm talking about emotional detachment. I'm talking about your children are existing and you have no emotional connection. That is. That is. That's an issue. That's a major issue. The next one emotional instability. That can look like anxiety, depression. That could look like mania, that could look like anger, that can actually look like aggression as well.
Speaker 1:Loss of self meaning. So many parents, especially parents who started young I think parents who started young really struggle with this. Because you became a parent and you were still growing up, so you were still trying to figure out yourself and parenting. And so the parents who did not still take time for their self, they just kind of threw themselves into being a parent. They lost their self, they lost what they like. These are the parents who have been so in tune with their kids that they don't even know. I don't even like basketball, you just play basketball. I don't even like the sport. I'm just here because you are a child who is really good and I want to support you. I don't want to do this.
Speaker 1:This is not what I, or one that I see often in and outside of my council room, is your kid is an extrovert and you're an introvert, or vice versa. Like that is for a parent that is difficult. Like because an extroverted child and an introverted parent, that extroverted child I want to have friends over. I want to go places, I want to do stuff. When you're like, listen, let me tell you something. No, I don't want to. I want to be here in the house, away from everybody, and you want to be all in the business. You want to go to the parties, you want to go to the. You're doing too much that, yes, that will definitely make you emotionally unstable.
Speaker 1:Insomnia, a lot of parents outside of their own mental health, not connected to parents, and struggle and insomnia and that could just be racing thoughts, that could just be not having enough decompressed time. That could be. Your days are long. You know, like there are a lot of adults that I know who don't just have one job, and I've said this before, and when I say I mean things that can bring you money, because you might not be being paid by your whatever your entrepreneur side. Hustler, because you might not be being paid by your whatever, your entrepreneur side hustler. You might not be getting paid for it, but you're putting in effort, so some of that insomnia might just be, you're working too much.
Speaker 1:This association, so disassociation, is when you black out. So you either and I know, I know for a fact, every adult has done this you get in the car and you driving and you look up in your wherever you don't know how you got there at all Like, clearly, you safely got there because you're here, but the whole you blacked out and, oh, look, I'm, I've arrived. That is dissociation. It is when you, when you wake back up and you're like, oh, that's dissociation. Um, and so these are the things that anger yeah, we talked about anger these are things that you know that parenting is starting to kind of take a toll on you, and the hardest thing about this is OK, cass, so now what? Ok, yes, me, check all the boxes. This is me.
Speaker 1:I think that the hardest thing for most parents is being honest and saying that I am struggling, I'm struggling, I'm struggling. I am struggling because, for some reason in our society, we believe that, as a parent, you're supposed to know, you're supposed to know, you're supposed to know how to care for this? Why are you supposed to know? There is no. Now there are a lot of books about parenting, but there is no identified book when a child is born. Here's the here and here it is. This is for this kid here. Here's the book. There is no book. You have to trial and error and figure some stuff out, and so it's. It's important for you to get the help that you need. Ask for help. Ask for help Because parenting I've always told people that is the hardest job.
Speaker 1:I believe that being a parent is probably more difficult than if you just had a nine to five, because it's an ongoing thing, because there is kids are ever changing. Like you can have a kid, and one day they want to be goth, the next day they want to like all the colors, the next day they don't. They want to be in sports, the next day they want to play instruments. Kids are always evolving, which they are developing. So they they, unfortunately, I'm sorry, parent, they are like.
Speaker 1:I think as adults, we forget that, like we're adults, take a stroll, go back to what you was doing as they're aged, just to help yourself get some empathy. Maybe you weren't as extreme as your kid. But listen, child. My thoughts was a hot mess when I was a kid. Like I knew that I just my parents were just on my neck so for me I couldn't shift around. I was, yeah, I'm going to run away. Yeah, okay, you're going to run away. Let me know how that worked for you. You know who your parents is. You right, I'm not Let me just go ahead and go home. I'm going to go home and, uh, take a nap, um, but yeah, I want to encourage you as a parent. Go back to what you experienced, what you're remembering. What were you like at 14?
Speaker 1:As an adult, we look at things differently because, yes, you have experienced life, you've problem solved, you've kind of navigated through some stuff. Your kids ain't got that far, they haven't lived the life that you've lived. So they don't have that skill set and, like I said, these kids are very, they think they know everything and they're entitled. So if you say to your child, well, maybe you should try X, y and Z, they may or may not listen, and that just depends on your say to your child well, maybe you should try X, y and Z. They may or may not listen, and that just depends on your relationship with your child. I believe.
Speaker 1:And one thing I will tell parents as much as I talk about my parents being crazy and them being on my neck, my parents did a great job of having a relationship Like. They, to the best of their ability, knew the importance of a relationship, knew what it looked like, knew how to be there, so that when I became ready, I knew that that place was open. So, as a parent one go down memory lane, think about what you was doing. Two, find ways to connect with your kid outside of the day to day. Ok, you got to get up, you got to go to school, you got to go to this, you got to. You have to find those pockets of your child. You have to find small things, like I was talking to a friend about how I started to get my nails done at like eight with my mom and that was just something that literally carry throughout our like. Until like now we still get our nails done together.
Speaker 1:But that was something for us that we could do together and that was a space that was just me and her space, and so sometimes you got to be creative and sometimes it doesn't even have to be money, like cook a meal with your kid. Find a random recipe from a to B. Hey, guess what? We about to go to all these? We about to pick up this, this and this. We about to try this recipe. Have them pick up.
Speaker 1:Like you got to be creative and try to connect with your kids and now, granted, I'm an adult and work a lot. That is very difficult, so difficult, because sometimes you be like take some me time or do something with your kid. Yeah, I'm gonna take some me time because my mental need it, but I would encourage you, maybe do it once a month, maybe do it every other month. You know what I mean. Like do something intentional so that you can connect with your kid, because a lot of times kids don't even realize that their parents still like them because they're being jerks all the time. So you know, like they forget, like no, let come on, let's, let's go shoot hoops. Come on, let's go work out. Let's, let's go get some ice cream and talk like, find something to do with your kid. Um, find emotional support. That could be support groups. If you're involved in church, that can be church groups.
Speaker 1:You want to find people who are in the same experience. I was working with a client and sons were in football, so she became a football mom and because she was always doing football stuff, it helped her. Because these are women who are going through the same experience with the ins and outs of this kid and these team. It's OK. So find some like minded people so that it's not such a task. Mental health services as always, I think that people don't believe. Yes, therapists and counselors we talk about stuff like this too, because it's an experience that you're going through and you don't know how to do it. So go talk to somebody.
Speaker 1:Take time for yourself. For yourself looks different for everybody, so taking time for yourself might, once a week, I might need to go ahead and sit in jacuzzi at the gym. Once a week, I need to take a long hot bath Once once a week. Every other week, I'm going to get my hair done. I'm going to get them to take time and spend time for you, because, as a parent, you're running, you're ripping, you got to pay bills, you got to do this. You got to take some time for you.
Speaker 1:And, lastly, ask for help. Like I said, if you have a village aunties, uncles, cousins, pastors, coaches, older siblings, older ask your village. Can you please come get this kid? I always joke with my mom that whenever I have a kid, I joke with my siblings too. I need y'all to. I ain't even had this kid yet, but y'all come get your niece or nephew or grandkid now, because I need to take a nap. Ask your village and I think that sometimes people don't want to ask their village because they might have kids.
Speaker 1:But that's okay, because then that might mean okay, if you take Johnny on Saturdays once a month, give me Jimmy once a month, we can trade. You know, like that is what a village is supposed to be about, like it's supposed to be about my nephews and my niece always are calling me auntie. Listen, y'all leave me alone. But if, if they need me, they know that I will come get my babies, even though they are older and are more annoying, I will. I'll come get them like uh, can you if, if my, if my niece or nephews reach out to me and say, hey, auntie, can I? Yep, yep, emphasis on if they do it.
Speaker 1:And I say that because, like I said, they're older. Like my youngest nephew, he's nine, my oldest niece is 33. So, like they kind of older, now I got some older ones. They at the age where they can call me they self, so they parents ain't got to call me. But if they parents did call me and say, hey, can you get such and such? I would One because I'm a part of the village. So don't be afraid to use your village because you need that. So hopefully that helps you guys to get some ideas of how to work through your parenting struggles and your PTSD from parenting. If you need or would like to engage with me on Instagram, you can find me at cnchef underscore chronicles and, as always, don't forget to allow your passion to prepare your purpose. I'll catch you next time, guys.