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Chronicles Of A Therapist
Chronicles Of A Therapist
Why Are You Offended?
Have you ever felt deeply hurt when someone didn't acknowledge you in a room, only to discover later they were on an important call? Or perhaps you've been on the other side—completely unaware you've offended someone until weeks later when the damage is already done.
Drawing from my experience working with autistic high school students, I explore the fascinating parallel between their black-and-white thinking and how easily neurotypical adults take offense in everyday interactions. The student who couldn't understand why he should apologize for being misunderstood mirrors our own adult tendency to create entire narratives about others' intentions without checking the facts.
Our upbringing shapes our threshold for offense—growing up in a direct, "call-it-like-it-is" family made me straightforward in ways that sometimes unintentionally ruffle feathers. But what's most revealing is how frequently the "offender" remains completely oblivious while the "offended" person builds resentment, shares grievances with others, and damages the relationship without ever addressing the issue directly.
As a therapist who's definitely offended people unintentionally (yes, therapists are human too!), I've learned that feeling slighted usually reveals more about us than about the person who supposedly wronged us. The next time you feel that sting of being ignored or disrespected, pause and ask yourself: What are the actual facts? Could there be another explanation? And most importantly—can you simply use your words and ask, just as we teach children to do?
Your relationships will thank you for choosing direct conversation over silent resentment. And remember, before posting that vague grievance on social media, talk to the actual person involved—it's the adult thing to do.
Hey guys, welcome back to Chronicles of a Therapist. I am Cassandra Shepherd and this is my space. So I wanted to start today because, as you guys know, I work at a school with kids who are autistic, adhd, have some emotional disturbances, etc. Etc. Right so I have this one kid who is he's in high school, he has autism, and if you know anything about ASD Autism Spectrum Disorder is there's a level of fixatedness which I made that word up, but basically they focus, hyper focus on one specific thing. Anything it could be hey, I'm really good action figures whatever it is, every person with autism is different than what they fixate on. So this person in particular struggles with, like black and white thinking so this is what it is, this is what it's not. And so there was a situation with another student and basically the student was misunderstood. He just was upset because that's not what I said, and you were offended and you said this is what it was, but that's not what I said. So I'm not apologizing, but I do want you to apologize for thinking that I was misunderstood, right? So after like 30 minutes of a conversation that I wasn't privy to at all, I just got pulled in on the end because the staff member was like, yeah, I've had this conversation multiple times with these kids, I can't. Was like, yeah, I've had this conversation multiple times with these kids, I can't. So it made me ironically think about relationships and how easily offended people are who aren't autistic. And what was so interesting about it is I've run into people inside the therapy room, outside of therapy room friends, family members, et cetera, old coworkers, whatever. I've run into them and I've learned that one everybody is raised differently. So for me, as you guys have heard all of the stories, my family is very much. We're real. We're going to call you on the carpet, it is what it is. We don't really leave a lot of room for like gray areas, so we're going to talk about what it is. We don't really leave a lot of room for like gray areas, so we're gonna talk about what it is. I'm gonna call it a spade and we're gonna move on.
Speaker 1:So, growing up like that, I tend to be very black and white in my black and white in my thinking and how I receive other people. Even when you think about the idea of being offended at the base level as an, as an adult, you can be offended. I could be offended because somebody cut me off and why you couldn't see me. That's a part of driving. You could be offended by that. So as an adult, it happens often and I've learned that how you are raised can identify your level of offense.
Speaker 1:Case in point have you ever walked into a room and not wanted to speak to anybody? It could be a lot of reason I'm on a phone call, I got my earbud in, I'm still talking, um, it could be, um, I'm in the middle of thinking about something. I might be sending a text message, etc. Etc. Everybody has been raised differently. If certain text message, et cetera, et cetera. Everybody has been raised differently. If certain people of color, we have this idea of when you walk into a room, you speak, but there are moments when you have other stuff going on. Hey, like I said, I'm on a phone call, whatever, so I'm not going to walk into a room and speak.
Speaker 1:I have been in situations with people where that has literally offended them and offended them to the point of they took a personal, they want to stop talking to you, they unfollow you, etc. Etc. And because I have myself experiences and a lot of times when you're on the opposite side of the offendee, you usually don't know how bad it is at all, at all, at all. It's it's like a foreign concept in your brain. Okay, I just finished my conversation. I'm I'm a double back and say, hey, I'm gonna walk around the room. You might be in the process of doing your walk around the room, right, maybe you didn't walk in and say, hey, everybody, you understood. I'm finishing this conversation, I'm about to walk the room, but for the person who's offended, the, the offense is already there.
Speaker 1:And so when I thought about my student and I actually um, one of the times we recorded um, fred said something that was like, at this stage of my life, I don't take anything personal, and so it made me think about how many adults, how many people in our lives get offended about stuff because they literally took something personal, something personal as, oh my God, she didn't walk in the room and didn't speak. Oh my God, I can't believe Cass doesn't like me anymore. She been acting funny for, hmm, first of all, I didn't even see you sitting there. Second of all, I was on a phone call so I didn't speak to anybody my mama sitting over there. So how you offended and the person who gave me.
Speaker 1:Life is cool and you offended, and I feel like in this day and age, that is adult relationships, that is work relationships, that is oh my god, you looked at me crazy, and the issue that that affects relationships is it depends on how you were, how you were raised. So for me, I, even as a therapist, I know I've offended people, probably a lot, because I'm real black and white, I'm. I'm actually very sarcastic, first of all them not in the background to me. Saying I'm sarcastic is a bit much, but anyway, I'm very, very sarcastic and it's even crazy. Like as a therapist, I lead with it. I will tell a new client. These are the ins and outs. Yes, I'm a great therapist, I've been doing this, but this is just who I am. I bring who I am into my therapy seat, and so I say that to say I know for a fact I have offended people, not on purpose, like it was completely unintentional.
Speaker 1:There was a point in time that I was, you know, producing and doing shows. I am 150% sure I offended people and guess what? I'm running around collecting money, paying musicians and because I didn't stop and say, hey, thank you for coming to my show, or if you're a service-based person, people feel like in service-based professions hairstylists, barbers, therapists, personal trainers, massage therapists people feel like, because you provide a service, you got to kiss people's ass and because I also am a service-based person, I don't subscribe to that. I will respect people because my mama taught me respect is earned and not to be a jerk to people for no reason, like. So to go back to the, I didn't speak in the room. I didn't speak and it wasn't that big of a deal, because people who know me will know if I'm preoccupied, I'm going to catch it on the back end, so I'll be the one. If it's a family event or whatever, I'm going to catch it. I might be on the phone, but I'm going to hit you with the hand on my phone and I might do the side hug while I'm on the phone to my mama, to my cousin, to the people who I know they gonna lose their mind about it right.
Speaker 1:So, as an adult, I just wanted to have this conversation about offenses and ways that y'all can chill out just a little bit, like I understand that we all grow up differently, but the reality about offense and is that it's about you, like you're the one offended. So as adults, you know there's something that we teach little kids like toddlers, we talk about, um, using your words, we talk about asking, we talk about manners, as those same things we got taught little. We have to remember people can't read your mind. So if you are an offensive person, a person who's hypersensitive, a person who have had these kinds of thoughts about people, like well, they just did that. Have you you ever thought, like why are we taking things personal? Like have you even said something to that person? Like you're offended for something that the offendee has no, like, completely clueless, and the only way they become aware of it is if you're bold enough or brave enough, or it's bothering you enough, or it's been enough time where now you've created all these facades in your brain where you have that conversation or which doesn't really happen often or it came around, cousin, whoever was in the room who saw you talking crap, blah, blah, blah, all those people. It's come a second hearing story. So now we got your cousin telling grandma what happened and then, by the time it gets to the person who did it, it's been a month and a half. The family event is over. I thought we was cool. I thought we, you know, we lined this, we played space. No, we missed it.
Speaker 1:So all this to say that, as an adult, people cannot read your mind, although people believe that we can, but people don't read your mind. So let's take the same things that we teach our children about asking you know, using your words, those things that you teach little kids Sometimes, as adults, we got to be reminded of that. So if you are offended, I implore you to really think about am I taking this personal? Maybe you're just having a really bad day. Sometimes, when we have bad days, days, we're so hypersensitive.
Speaker 1:If I'm having a bad day and I and, like I said, I work at a school we are moving to the end of the year, we got two months and all of my wonderful kids are getting on my last nerve. If you are an educator, y'all know what I'm talking about. It's that we ain't hit spring break yet. We getting to the end of year, we about to start state testing and all the kids are ridiculous. Yeah, they all get on my nerves, but I've learned instead of offending people. I took a mental health day this week because they had hit that level of y. You're not going to get. Miss Cassandra, yeah, you about to get cast. I'm going to cuss y'all out Because I say that I work with teenagers, by the way, 7th through 12th graders, If you have kids in your life, they a lot, they a lot, they a lot.
Speaker 1:So I learned and I'm learning not to take things personal in work, in relationships. Learned and I'm learning not to take things personal in work, in relationships, in every other space. Stopping and thinking about what are the facts of the situation, what really happened, like, not what tricks your brain played on you or none of that. What were the facts? Oh, cass walked in late. Cass looked like she was on the phone. Cass didn't speak to anybody in the room. Cass only side hugged her mom and her grandma. Hmm, maybe it ain't got nothing to do with me. So, if you have experiences, what are the facts? And, most important, don't take it personal as adults, things will be. We have so many other things weighing on us to take something that really. Don't. Take it personal as adults, things will be. We have so many other things weighing on us to take something that really don't have nothing to do with you.
Speaker 1:Now, if, in that scenario, I walked up literally past somebody who spoke to me. Absolutely, you can be offended because that was absolutely rude. So if I never go back and be like I am so sorry I was on a phone call, all right, that's some facts. Yeah, you should be offended, but come talk to me. Come talk to the person who offended you, because all you're doing is further breeding unnecessary mess in your life, and we got enough stuff to carry. So that's my spiel today on offenses and being messy and, most importantly, talk to people when you have an issue. Don't before I get out of here, please don't go on Facebook, ig or TikTok or whatever. What's your offense? It never works well. So, if you are offended, please talk to the direct people who offended you. It will help you and it will heal your relationships. So with that, guys, I'm going to close out. If you like this content, like, share and subscribe. You also can engage on Instagram at cnchef__chronicles, and don't forget to allow your passion to prepare your purpose. Catch you next time, guys.