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Chronicles Of A Therapist
Chronicles Of A Therapist
The Thing about men and stress...
When my vegan fitness trainer friend suffered a sudden heart attack despite doing everything "right" for his health, it crystallized something I've observed for years: men are carrying an invisible burden of stress that's literally killing them. Behind the mask of strength and stoicism, many men—especially Black men—are navigating life without safe spaces to process their emotions.
The alarming reality is that even men who check all the physical health boxes—clean eating, regular exercise, supplements—remain vulnerable when emotional health goes unaddressed. As a therapist, I've witnessed a promising shift in recent years with more men embracing therapy and emotional wellness, but we're still far from where we need to be. The cultural expectations placed on men to constantly provide, protect, and perform leave little room for vulnerability or decompression.
For women in relationships with men, this presents both a challenge and an opportunity. Many women unintentionally add pressure by demanding constant communication and attention without recognizing that men often process stress differently—through solitude and space. The most loving thing you can do might be counterintuitive: give him room to breathe. Whether it's letting him play basketball with friends on Saturday morning, enjoy his gaming time, or simply be alone with his thoughts after work, creating this space isn't abandonment—it's care. When you allow a man to decompress without demands, you're actually creating the conditions for him to return to you more present and connected. Your relationship deserves this balance of togetherness and independence, where both partners can show up as their healthiest, most authentic selves.
Hey guys, welcome to Chronicles of a Therapist. My name is Cassandra Shepard and welcome to my space. So I had a very, very close friend actually my trainer recently. He's a he's a male, um, he's a black male, he recently is, and he's a vegan. He had a heart attack. And so when I was talking to him about like we had we were actually supposed to be training and he he sent a message like yeah, so about that, I'm at the emergency room with an IV in my arms and I don't know what's going on. And so it made me realize two things, as somebody who is a fitness professional, eats well, is vegan, doesn't eat processed food, etc. Etc. These are the poster of health Like you work out, you eat well, you drink your water, you're big on.
Speaker 1:You work out, you eat well, you drink your water, you're big on you do your sea moss, you do your supplements. We think about those people and how healthy they are, for for the majority of it, they're healthy. And the first thing I said to him was well, yeah, you're a black male and you have stress, and most men not black men, but most men hold so much stuff in and don't realize how that literally affects your body. There's so many studies that talk about stress in the body and trauma in the body and a lot of times we just think about, ok, we're just going to do self-care, yeah, we're just going to go ahead. We just think about, okay, we're just going to do self-care, yeah, we're just, oh, we're going to go ahead. And but if you think about, you know, for men, a lot of men don't, can't cry, don't have safe spaces, don't have healthy relationships that allow them to just be themselves without feeling like they got a tiptoe or stuff, or say stuff a certain way, like, as a woman, I have all of these resources. I can cry on command. Probably I would hate to admit that, but I can. Um, because I have all of these resources, I can cry on command. Probably I would hate to admit that, but I can Because I have an access to my emotions that a lot of men don't have. And so I think, when you think about stress and self-care and just your body and taking care of yourself, I think sometimes men as providers, as protectors, they carry a lot, and I've talked about this on multiple episodes. But it made me really sad because I thought about all the men that I've run into.
Speaker 1:My dad is older and on some levels, you expect 50, 60, 70 and up. You, on some levels, expect them to have diabetes, you expect them to have heart issues because the line of thinking is oh well, you know, he might have worked in a steel mill, so he has all these other things, like you expect that. But then you think about people who are in their 30s and 40s, who are men, who are fitness professionals, who take care of themselves, who do all the things that they're supposed to do, right, and then they still wind up having a heart attack. Um, now, for him it was non-stem, it also was um, he has that in his genetics. But the reality, even when I was talking to him, is, yeah, you're a dad, you have four children. You know like you have children. You have three children under 10. If you are a parent and you fit any of those either, even if you're a step parent, even if you are taking care of nieces and nephews and grands and etc. Etc. You're foster, caring, whatever the case may be, as a man. There aren't a lot of spaces. I've talked about men doing therapy. I've talked about men taking care of their self and, and you know, drinking their water and all those things. There's not a lot of spaces. I've met, I will say I have met more men, I would say, in the last three to four years, who are like yep, I've been in therapy, I got a therapist, I do this, I do, but this is within the last three or four years. I've been in this field almost 14 years.
Speaker 1:So, hearing men black men, men of color understand the importance of having safe spaces, I've I've recently there was um somewhere in the city. I don't remember who did it, but it was like a wellness men's symposium. They worked out, they did yoga, they had therapists. Because they're there's a misconception that, as a man, they don't have the space to do so. Um, and so I think for me, like, more people look at men's health as okay, well, you know, you got diabetes because you're overweight and you got all these other things. But there are so many men who are unaware of how all the stuff they hold in affects them.
Speaker 1:So I want to really, really encourage men um to find your safe space, whether that's within your relationship, and also, um, there are so many women who don't know how to be a safe space. I've talked about this before. But, like as a woman, you have to be your, your man's safe space. You have to. You have to. Well, if you want to have a healthy dynamic, you have to. Let me fix it. Um, I had, I saw something I think it was on thread or whatever and it was talking about it.
Speaker 1:Literally, a woman literally said and this was mind-blowing so this is how you know there are so many women who don't understand safe space. The thread you literally said if you have a healthy relationship, it's boring. So that led me to believe. Believe, when it comes to men and women in relationships, that y'all women don't even know what healthy really looks like. So how can you be a safe space to a man you don't even know what healthy looks like or happiness looks like? That's another, that's another episode, but for women.
Speaker 1:My call to you is find ways to be a safe space for your man. It might be let that man go play basketball that saturday morning, please. Let that man go work out with his friends. Let that man, if he smokes cigars, let that man go to the cigar lounge by himself, whatever it is. If he's a gamer, let that man come home and play his games In peace and leave him alone.
Speaker 1:Now I will preface this because there is a misconception within relationships that the men who do these certain things are bums. But in my experience now maybe maybe I've just met some dope men, maybe I've met fathers. I've met entrepreneurs. Right, they're not bums. They got a lot going on. They're great fathers. They're amazing with their family. They love their significant other. They just like gaming. They just don't want to talk to us all the time, they just need a break.
Speaker 1:Now I understand, as a woman, when you feel like you are absolutely locked in with your man. He's our best friend, all that great stuff. I'm going to just tell y'all this from my experience he is, but he not. Men who are smart and healthy have learned how to listen to their woman, how to give them exactly what they need. But they also understand I'm not her best friend. I'm not. My job is to listen to her. My job is to listen to her. My job is to provide for her. My job is to be her safe space. So, as women, why can't we be their safe space? And for most men, there might be someone else.
Speaker 1:Most men want to be left the hell alone. Y'all ever notice Mother's Day and Father's Day Mothers. They want to spend time the hell alone. Y'all ever notice mother's day and father's day mothers. They want to spend time, they want gifts, they want to go out to eat. Y'all notice father's day. What do men want to do? Be left alone. Go get that man a steak and leave him alone and you don't even have to take him to dinner. They don't want them funky ties, they don't want to go to dinner. Every man, my dad included, wants to be left the hell alone to do whatever it is that he want to do. They like that on their birthday too. That's another subject.
Speaker 1:Um, but I say this not to be like oh you're. No, I have men in my I see. I've raised by a great father, I have great brother. Like I see it, I see the need for women to want to always be around our men and I really, really feel like for women, it's because a lot of us haven't had healthy father relationships, because if you haven't had healthy father relationships, you won't crave that masculinity 24 7. This is why you can't be your main man safe space, because as women, we want to feel heard and understood and loved on. But the love dawn is predicated on your love language and your healing and your wholeness of a woman, whereas men they really just want to be left alone because think about it as a man, as a man, they have to provide, they have to protect. They got to put on their work, they got to put on, they got to be dads. They can't just say, hey, man, shut all that up. You can, but when you have littles, that don't work, because then it's seen as aggression and anger when in real life, that structure that men provide.
Speaker 1:So, ladies, give your man space. That's a great way to help with safe space. Give him some space. Give him some space y'all can check in through the day. Now everybody is different. I'm learning.
Speaker 1:As women, we are very social. We just want to talk all day, whether it's coworkers, whether it's your man, just all day, give him some space. Actually, I've learned if you give your man some space, he wants you more. You got to put the space in there. Yeah, all right, have a great day. I made your lunch. Whatever, unless it's a dire emergency or you need some money or something some random.
Speaker 1:I guarantee you, if you leave that man alone to the time y'all come back, his energy will be different because you ain't been on the line asking and, and he at work trying to pull it. I gotta provide it and figure stuff out and problem solve at work. I got to do that for you too, like dang, let me get home. And then, when that man get home, give him some space, let him decompress. Because here's the thing, and I learned this If you're a parent and you don't decompress for like 30 minutes before you get in the car, I think men probably do longer.
Speaker 1:But as a parent, as an adult, especially if you know it's going to be ruckus in your house, you just sit there and scroll and be like all right, let me take this hat off. All right, right, give your man some space. Let him do that. Yes, do you have a honeydew list? Yes, I need you to. But I guarantee that list can wait. It ain't the end of the world.
Speaker 1:Especially if you want your man to be healthy, if you want the man in your life, your brother, your, your cousin, whoever is in your life and what that looks like, give them space, because our men are having heart disease and having heart attacks and are dying. If you're ever looking at now okay, I got all these numbers and stuff. I would never say you're stressing your man out, so now you got a heart attack and he's gonna die. That's not what I'm saying. Cast didn't say that one. I'm not a doctor, so, no, that's not what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:But what I'm saying is if men carry stress more differently than women do, because they do, they don't talk about it. Even when they talk to their friends, they're not really, really, really a girl. Listen, she'll talk to her home girl. Let me tell you about this man and these kids what happened at work. And men don't do that. They don't do that. They don't do that. They might meditate. I don't know that. That's where it might go, but every man I know don't really do that. They not doing that. Maybe they praying, maybe they journeying, I don't know. It's got to go somewhere. I hope that they find a way to get that off their chest. Oh god, that was funny. Oh, I wish I could have seen that, but anyway.
Speaker 1:So yeah, get that man some space, allow him to miss you and find his love, languages. And I know y'all be bored. A lot of women women I've learned inside and outside a therapy room a lot of y'all women don't know who y'all are and y'all are really bored. Y'all bored Like he don't want to talk to you all day Because you ain't got no hobbies. You ain't Stop being bored, ladies Ladies, because in reality, I'm a woman. I talk all day at work to my coworkers, to my best friend. We texting, we talking on multiple Instagram tips All of that All day, all day. Men ain't like that. They don't want to do that.
Speaker 1:So, yes, your man has created a space that's safe for you. Create the same space for him and ask I ask your man what he need, and don't be offended when he, when he tell you you know what? I really just want a day I left to be left alone. Get a man, okay, maybe, maybe you can't do once a week. In a perfect world, you should be able to do it once a week work, work up to it. Give him once a month, just give him a day to do whatever he want to do, whatever it look like. I don't know why you can't do once a week. That's a whole nother subject. Y'all be bored. Y'all need some friends. I don't know, but we are talking about ways to give men the safe space they need.
Speaker 1:So, women yes, it was about them Originally, but sometimes it's us and I'm a woman, so I can say that. And I can say that Because I have a man in my life and I'm working on it. Okay, some years ago we was working on my vulnerability. I'm working on it, so I am now working on my own. I'm talking to me too. I'm talking to me too. That's why I'm so passionate about it, because it's me. I do it too.
Speaker 1:Baby, guess what? Oh, leave me alone. He won't say that, but my own studies have shown me the days I leave alone, guess what I get when I come home. I miss you. Today I ain't saying none of you all day that feel better than me talking to him all day. Maybe that don't work for y'all, but for me that feel way better than me. Let me tell you what happened today. And she said they don't care. I swear they don't care. They just be like they. They don't really care. Go talk to your girls. Your girls care. Leave that man alone. Um, if you like this content, please like, share and subscribe. Also, you can engage with me on instagram at cn chef underscore chronicles, and don't forget to allow your passion to prepare your purpose. Catch you guys next time.