113. How I lost 30 lbs using a "soft life" approach

In this episode, I'm sharing how I lost 30 lbs after gaining weight rapidly due to chronic health issues in 2019, and how I did it while protecting my relationship with food, physical health, and without hating the process.
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Transcript

[00:00:00] 

My name is Jesse. Welcome to my channel where I discuss all things wellness, personal growth, and womanhood. Whether you're listening via podcast or on YouTube, be sure to subscribe so you do not miss an episode.

 Today I'm going to be sharing how I lost 30 pounds using a soft life approach. So it was very important to me given my dieting history, which I'll get into in a moment to make sure that I was really protecting my relationship with food along the way. I never thought that intentional weight loss would be part of my story again, but as you will soon discover, I found myself 30 pounds heavier in a matter of six months and I wanted to change my body, but I was absolutely determined to do it the right way in a way that felt good to me.

that protected my relationship with food and that ensured that I would maintain the results long term. So let's get into it. Firstly, my dieting history. I started fad dieting in high school. What started off as an innocent attempt to lose 10 pounds turned into an obsession with low carb [00:01:00] dieting. Keto was all the rage at the time. Then it came back again, as we now see. And I was hyper focused on controlling my food. I got some ill advice from a personal trainer at the time that was completely misinformed, was really focused on carbs as the source.

Of all fat gain, fat loss, health, et cetera. So I was hyper focused on that led to a lot of extreme changes in my weight, yo yo dieting, weight cycling, gaining and losing the same 20, 30 pounds for almost 10 years. Then I eventually realized, okay, I need to focus on my relationship with food because none of this is working. I am not ending up any healthier. I don't feel well mentally. Right. I was just obsessed about food and thinking about my body nonstop. It was not how I wanted to live. So I finally got to a breaking point where I was only getting heavier each year that passed.

And I said, what the hell am I doing? Why do I keep doing this? So I finally gave it all up and said, I'm focusing on my relationship with food. I don't know [00:02:00] what's going to happen to my body, but I was so sick and tired of the way that I was living that at that point we didn't really care. So I set out to heal my relationship with food, which I successfully did.

And I never thought that I would intentionally lose weight again from that place. Fast forward, you already know that did not happen, but a couple of years later I got into CrossFit actually probably about a year or two after I really solidified my relationship with food, fell in love with CrossFit, the idea of just working out for performance.

I found it very invigorating to go to a workout class and be able to push myself and get better and better over time. It was really addicting to get stronger and stronger. until I plateaued many times over, but it was still a really fun process for me, but this contributed to my health crisis.

In 2018, my health started to take a serious tumble. Now there were signs prior to that point, but I was ignoring them. And I think we [00:03:00] do that a lot in society where we just normalize not feeling well, everyone's always needing eight cups of coffee in the morning. It's normal to not be able to fall asleep.

It's normal to have your digestion be a mess. So eventually I just thought, Oh, this is just part of life. And it crept up so slowly that I didn't realize how bad it had become until spring of 2018. I remember vividly sitting on my bed and thinking, Oh, I should change some of my clothes out for the transition of seasons.

But I was so exhausted and my brain was so foggy that I could not even handle that simple task of changing clothes out in my closet. So I said, okay, I need to go talk to a doctor and see if something is wrong here. And I happened to go to a nurse practitioner who ran a full set of thyroid labs. And I found out I had Hashimoto's now my thyroid levels were normal ish But my antibody numbers were sky high.

I [00:04:00] think they were like 600 and normal range is typically around 35 or below depending on the range that you're using but I set out to Improve this and I did that by Cutting back on CrossFit at this point, I could not even go for a 20 minute walk without feeling completely gassed. And I took a long break.

I figured, okay, there's some kind of overwhelm of stress on my body. That was my hunch. So I focused on dialing it back, letting my body heal, recover. I thought I was out of the woods. So then as humans do, I went back to doing more of the same thing because I thought I'm better so I can just do what I was doing before without realizing that that was the very thing that led to me feeling like crap.

So then enter early 2019 keep in mind at this time, I was going to CrossFit, which is very high intensity exercise and I was pushing it to the brink. I was really into that feeling of ending a workout with. My body [00:05:00] completely laying on the floor exhausted. I was doing that a couple times a week while building my online coaching business on the side on top of my full corporate job.

So I'd wake up at five in the morning, immediately slam coffee to just get my brain to function, work on my own business, then go into work. for eight, nine hours. Then I would go to CrossFit. Then I'd come home and work more on my business and just rinse and repeat on top of trying to be the best at everything else.

Best sister, friend, daughter, you name it. I had that more perfectionist mindset and it led to me completely falling apart in 2019. I could not go to sleep. I could not stay asleep. I was having wild blood sugar swings where I'd wake up when I could sleep for an hour or two at night. I would wake up sweating with my heart racing and hungry in the middle of the night.

That's how I knew it was blood sugar related. Seemingly you would just say, Oh, that's just anxiety. It was just overwhelming amounts of stress. And I didn't [00:06:00] know what was causing this. My bloating was so painful that I could not sleep. sit and think about anything else other than the fact that my gut felt like it was going to explode.

My brain fog was horrendous menstrual cycle changes. Again, I was a mess. During this time I was hearing so much about women under eating, especially in the CrossFit world and that being the source of them feeling unwell. And I was so So desperate you guys to feel better. I was panicked because I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. No one could tell me what was wrong with me because everything was coming back as normal.

So I started to spiral and I thought, okay, I must be under eating. That must be the reason. And it's very rarely one thing that is the panacea and the solution to chronic health issues, at least in my experience. So I started to eat more and quite quickly. And at the same time, Stopped doing as much activity as I was before simply because I couldn't I went from doing CrossFit four to five times a [00:07:00] week Walking more often to being gassed walking 20 minutes So you can imagine I put weight on very quickly and I gained 30 pounds in three weeks Six months now at the end.

I don't want this whole video to be about my health crisis But at the end of the day, I did figure out that it was just nervous system dysregulation that was causing all of my health issues and once I put those pieces together, which was caused by chronic stress from just Overwhelming amounts of stress non stop.

I never allowed myself my nervous system to really come back into a regulated state So that led me to that point of destruction, but that was also what led me, once I realized that, to my healing.

So once I found myself 30 pounds heavier, I knew that I didn't, that wasn't my preference. I didn't want to stay 30 pounds heavier, but as I mentioned earlier, I was very determined to get leaner, to lose the body fat in a way that was respectful to my mind, my body, [00:08:00] and in a way that I enjoyed as much as possible.

So the first thing I had to do was I had to wait until my body and my nervous system could handle a deficit. Calorie deficit. Now, a calorie deficit is required to change our body weight aside from water weight fluctuations. It's simply a unit of measurement of energy. That is what a calorie is.

So I had to give my body, as we all do, less energy than it typically requires for maintenance. Now, this means that you're giving your body less fuel than it needs to maintain homeostasis. And this can be a stressor. Because of that, I had to wait until my body and my brain could handle less energy. I didn't want to compound more stress when I had just dealt with a really big crash from chronic stress.

I sat at this higher body weight for over a year until September, October, 2020, when I was finally in a place where I was feeling a lot better. I was sleeping through the night. My digestion was [00:09:00] better. My menstrual cycle was more regulated. My brain fog was almost completely gone. I knew that I was ready.

First thing I did was dial in my lifestyle habits. Now what I mean by that is I tightened up the things that had gotten a little bit locks during the pandemic. So this was keep in mind 2020, that wonderful period of our lives. And I realized that there were some areas of my lifestyle that I could start making some progress on that I would need in order to maintain any results long term anyway.

So I started doing more resistance training, full body resistance training, exercise. I went from lightly working out about twice a week to more dedicated. Again, not pushing myself to the brink. I had learned my lesson then finally, but doing three full body progressive overload resistance training exercise days.

per week. Now, progressive overload resistance training. I can make another video on that. If you would like, it is progressively [00:10:00] overloading the amount of stress that you are providing or tension to your muscles, which is required for muscle growth. I focused on that. I focused on walking more. So just more daily general movement for health.

I, uh, curbed my mindless or extra snacking at that point in time that I started to do during the pandemic. It was nothing crazy because that was a big part of me. Improving my relationship with food was more mindful eating, but it was just more bites and little things here and there that started to add up.

And I increased my veggie intake. These changes, the more boring changes alone led to losing a pant size. over the next couple of months. Nothing crazy was not thinking about calories at all. I just focused on the basics needed to see where my body would recalibrate from that point before I started to get fancier.

And keep in mind during this time, something that was very important for my soft life approach was I closely monitored my biofeedback and [00:11:00] my stress levels, given my history and just knowing how the body works. After I learned at that point, I took lots of baths, slow walks, made sure that my body, my nervous system had felt the sense of safety in my environment.

So I knew if I was pushing things too far, my body would tell me and it wasn't a mind over matter thing. I had to actually honor that. So I prioritized my joy connection with others and plenty of rest on top of getting sufficient movement in. Now this next piece is the piece that many people miss is I didn't just jump straight into, okay, now I want to push for further fat loss. That can work for some people, but I went into Maintenance after that point, I moved to New York city in early 2021. And as you can imagine, that is a lot of stress on a person, on a body, on a nervous system.

So I knew that that was not going to be an opportune time for me to push for a calorie deficit. I needed to ensure. that my brain [00:12:00] and my body would be ready once again. So what I did was I focused on maintaining my body composition for several months. I didn't know when an intentional fat loss focused time of my life would next be a fat loss phase, but I knew that it would come eventually.

And I wanted to be really well prepared so that my body would respond really well. So what I did is I focused on seeing how much food I could eat during that time while maintaining my body and the soft life. component of this was I still focused so much on stress management and just Romanticizing my day to day life when it came to my wellness tons of those baths walking around the city New York City.

I just adore it so much. Made sure that I was connecting with others. Loneliness can be a big stressor on the nervous system. I made sure that I was treating myself really well and romanticizing my day to day life and this rather than under eating and thinking, Oh my gosh, I have to just continuously [00:13:00] diet.

That's. That's the fad dieting way. And that's also quite honestly, the misinformed way, because that's not how our bodies work. Our metabolisms work. So I focused on maintenance for several months until my intentional fat loss phase.

So the next step was phasic fat loss. What I mean by this is going into periods of fat loss followed by a period of maintenance. This way, my body was never getting to a point where I was digging myself deeper into a hole because our metabolisms adapt. So I strategically said in October, 2021, my brother was focused on getting leaner at that point.

He was living in the city and said, Hey, do you want to do it with me? I thought, sure. Why not? Typically I would not choose to go into a calorie deficit right before the holidays during the fall, which is my favorite time of the year. But as we all know, as adults, there really is not a great time. Life just becomes quite busy during all times of the year.

There's always something going on. And I knew that I could [00:14:00] get leaner while enjoying my life. That's a very, very important thing to understand is if your only frame of reference of getting leaner is cutting out everything that you enjoy being super strict and really rigid. And if you don't like to track feeling like you have to track your food or do super intense exercise, I wouldn't want to do that either.

And you don't have to do that. So it was actually very subtle. The adjustments that I made from my maintenance, as you remember, to getting into a calorie deficit. And I started off loosely tracking in the beginning. I've never weighed or measured my food. So the tracking wasn't even accurate to begin with.

So what, as I started to do that, just to see if I liked it, if I didn't, I realized I don't really like this. So I stopped doing it. Now you might be wondering if you're someone who thinks you have to track food in order to get leaner, how I was able to still get results then it's because I understand the science.

It's a fat loss and the metabolism. So yes, it comes down to a calorie deficit. However, there's a lot more to it than that [00:15:00] because our metabolisms, our bodies are really smart. They want to prevent fat loss. So I knew what things to look out for in order to ensure that I was still seeing progress and outsmarting my body without pushing my body too far.

Which meant during my actual soft life component of this, I was still prioritizing a lot of that rest and recovery during my walks around the city. I would make sure that I was going slowly taking in the atmosphere. I was not pushing my body too hard when it came to exercise. I was still going out to eat with friends and family about two times a week.

That was one of the things that I adjusted though.

And when it came to the adjustments that I made, I focused on more walking. I focused on a little bit less alcohol, eating out less, adding more veggies, nothing extreme at all. I just knew what my baseline maintenance eating and exercise habits were my daily movement as well. And then I made adjustments based on science.

I knew I could stick with consistently and [00:16:00] I was going to be accountable to myself to get into a calorie deficit. And I weighed myself and this is controversial for a lot of people when it comes to healthy relationship with food. But I weighed myself daily in order to get a weekly average because that is what matters.

And I have zero attachment to what number shows up on the scale. I'm not one of those people who believes that all women should just throw out the scale. I believe that we should be working on how we relate to that number because any number should not have that kind of power or control over us.

I ended up calling my fat loss phase quits in January of 2022, a couple of weeks earlier than I had originally planned because my biofeedback was starting to speak to me. Sleep and digestion are the first things to go for me and I realized okay I'm getting communication that there's too much stress here Pushing it with a calorie deficit is only gonna take me back down that road That I was in previously with my health crisis and that was not an option for me And it honestly just makes adhering to a calorie deficit so much more difficult anyways So I [00:17:00] pulled the plug and went back to my new optimal maintenance calorie intake, which was fairly close to my maintenance previously because I'd only lost about 6 percent of my body weight, which is still significant and something that it was very, very proud of.

It just wasn't enough for my old maintenance calorie intake to be drastically different from my new maintenance calorie intake. And the transition was pretty damn seamless. So that fat loss phase got me pretty close, knocked off a big chunk of the body fat that I wanted to lose, but I still needed another push. So what I did is after that phase, I went to maintenance for good, almost a year, a solid year. Again, using the strategy that I told you about earlier, where I said, how much food can I get away with eating while maintaining my body composition?

That put me in a really nice spot to be able to get leaner again in January of 2023, where I ended up losing about four to 5 percent of my body weight over the next [00:18:00] couple of months. Again, calling it quits a little bit earlier. Then I had anticipated because I got a puppy and I was not sleeping and my stress was starting to add up.

Biofeedback told me we're done. And I listened. Now, in terms of more practical strategies that I use to really invoke that soft life approach to make it as relaxed, enjoyable, as chill as possible. Number one, stress management activities. Now, this doesn't mean just laying on the couch all day like a couch potato because that is super stressful for our nervous systems and our bodies as well.

So movement is important. Absolutely essential. We just want to find that Goldilocks effect of not too much, not too little, making sure we're engaging in a lot of rest and digest activities as well. So that for me included, uh, Those hot baths that I was talking about. I do not need a cold plunge when I'm trying to manage my stress.

If I'm trying to build tolerance for stress, that's a different story. Meditation, journaling, dancing around the apartment, [00:19:00] long walks, reading, journaling, whatever sounds nourishing to you and feels like a gentle, relaxing process for your body. Just think of it as what would send the signal of safety to my body.

to allow it to see that, Oh, we're not being chased by a tiger right now. Start doing more of those things and bonus points. If the ambiance, if you can make the environment a little more romanticized. So maybe light a candle. When I would go on my walks around the city, I would get a really cozy, warm beverage during the fall and the winter.

It was absolutely necessary. And it really made it so much more special. and enjoyable. I would make my meals a little more romanticized and special by taking just literally two extra minutes to put some herbs on top or some pickled onions to plate it nicely to put it on a plate that I actually like to light a candle while I was eating.

These things allowed me to be more mindful while I was eating, feel more satisfied from my meals. Stop when I was actually satisfied versus [00:20:00] overeating. Which I teach when it comes to relationship with food as well. But these things contribute to that process of, Oh, this isn't a robotic, forceful, hyper masculine type process.

It was relaxed and easeful and enjoyable.

I also made sure to enjoy the seasonal food, which was very important to me, given that I, my first fat loss phase was beginning in fall. I love fall. I love winter. I love warmer, cozier foods. So I wanted to really enjoy the holiday season and I made sure that I was including those foods into my weekly routine and it doesn't have to be a huge amount of them.

I was still cognizant of the portion sizes that I was eating, but eating those seasonal foods that are more nutritious and lowering calories as an example is also really feasible. So things like squashes and those herbs and spices that tend to be more reminiscent of the seasons can really contribute to the process, feeling more [00:21:00] soulful romanticized and more of that soft life approach as well.

So keep in mind at the end of the day, it's all about the energy that you're bringing into the process.

So while there are so many things you can do more tactically to have a more soft life approach to fat loss, so much of it is the energy that you are bringing into it. Are you coming at it with a sense of force and drudgery? Are you coming at it with a sense of, Relaxation and trust and guess what's required for you to sit back in your feminine and trust that structure of the science of knowing how the whole process works.

The fat loss. It's so anxiety inducing for women when you don't understand your body and you're listening to misinformation and fad diets or You need to go carnivore. You need to go keto or you need to cut this out or this out. That is just going to make you stressed to the nines because it's not going to work.

And if it is working, you don't fully understand why it's working. It's just correlation versus causation. And when you plateau, which is inevitable, not [00:22:00] knowing what to do from there, it all leads to you feeling really stressed and in your head. So for you to sit back and relax into the process, It really is required for you to understand how your body works, how fat loss works, how the metabolism works, maintenance, all of it.

And then you get to bring that energy of it takes as long as it takes. And I get to make this process customized to me, customize the science to exactly how I want to do it, whether that's me tracking or not. how long my fat loss phase is going to be, how long I stay in maintenance, you get to customize everything to you.

And that's what makes it enjoyable. And fun because I don't want anyone telling me how I have to eat or exercise and I don't want to tell another woman how she has to do that either. That feels restrictive and constrictive and it's just completely, completely unnecessary. My motto is it takes as long as it takes because this is the last time I'm going to have to do this.

You know what I hope this video, this podcast, wherever you're listening, it was super helpful for you. I would love it [00:23:00] if you could subscribe and leave a message below, leave a review, let me know what was most helpful for you and I will see you in the next one.