Cancer and Vulnerability: How Staying Authentic Keeps You Strong | Cara Lockwood

In this episode, Wendy sits down with Cara Lockwood, a USA Today bestselling author. When Cara was diagnosed with breast cancer, she discovered something unexpected: you don't have to be positive to be strong. You can fight cancer salty, sarcastic, and real. In this conversation, she talks about the power of authenticity, the mythology of toxic positivity, and why the universe responds to your vibration, not your words.

They explore:

• Why vulnerability isn't weakness, and how being honest about fear, anger, and overwhelm is actually the strongest choice you can make
• You still get to decide: how to maintain agency and power even when crisis feels like it's driving the bus
• Focus as a superpower: how intentionally looking for joy (an English muffin with jam or a cup of tea) grounds you and helps change what's possible

Cara's whole philosophy is about refusing to choose between authenticity and strength. You don't have to fake positivity to access joy. You don't have to deny the hard thing to focus on what you love. What matters is your vibration, your focus, and your willingness to stay real about where you are while choosing what brings you alive. That's how you keep your power: not by pretending everything's fine, but by refusing to let the hard thing be the only thing.

Connect with Cara:

CaraTheAuthor.com

Her Books: caratheauthor.com/author

Instagram: instagram.com/cara.the.author

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/cara-tanamachi-lockwood-benoit-563b5040

Referenced in this Episode:

A Course in Miracles (Wendy's favorite links):

• apps.apple.com/us/app/acim-remind/id737568020
• amazon.com/Course-Miracles-Combined-Quality/dp/1883360242?tag=syty-20
• marianne.com/acim/

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Hi friends, this is Wendy Harrup, and welcome to the Say Yes to Yourself podcast. On the Say Yes to Yourself podcast, you'll hear stories from women just like us who are adding the practice of saying yes in their daily lives in big and small ways, and as a result are experiencing the truth that everybody wins when you say yes to yourself. Saying yes to yourself is a graceful unfolding, an intentional becoming of the very best version of you. It is my hope that in these conversations we are able to find our truth and be inspired and empowered to live our very best lives. I'm so excited to go on this journey with you, and I look forward to finding a bit of our own story in each other's. Hello, friend, welcome back to the podcast and happy Friday. This is the voice of someone living in her bliss, living her dream, saying yes to herself over and over and over again. I am in France. I am at my beautiful chateau. I am looking out the window at the most beautiful sight. Okay, you guys. There is a priest in my little village who brings his sheep, Romeo and Juliet, to mow my orchard. And the beautiful previous owner of this home, Anne, has introduced me to Pear Camille. And he brought Romeo and Juliet over a couple of weeks ago, and they have been busy cutting the grass on my behalf for our return to the chateau. And it is so dreamy. I just keep giggling. It's just fabulous. And um, I do wish he was dressed like a priest when he brought the sheep over because I definitely wanted pictures of that. But he is lovely, and Romeo and Juliet are welcome anytime, as are you. I cannot wait for you to come and visit us at Menarderie. It is beautiful and dreamy. So tell me, tell me what is on your heart. Tell me how you're saying yes to yourself. Tell me if your yes combines with my yes, and we find ourselves living this beautiful experience together. I would like that so much. One of the things that we are offering at this beautiful space in France are retreats. And today's guest will be hosting a writer's retreat in the very near future. Today we have Kara Lockwood. She is a best-selling author. And when she was diagnosed with stage one breast cancer in 2023, she didn't look for inspiration in solemn pamphlets or dusty medical books. She looked for laughter, swearing, and straight talk, the kind of encouragement you get from your funniest, most unfiltered friend. In there's no good book for this, but I wrote one anyway, The Irreverent Guide to Crushing Breast Cancer, Kara shares the gritty, absurd, and often hilarious truth about treatment, recovery, and life after a double mastectomy, chemo, and reconstruction. She is such a gem. I know you're going to want information on her writer's retreat, but you're definitely going to love this conversation with Kara Lockwood. Kara, I'm so looking forward to this conversation. I have to say that even just the beautiful paragraph that introduces you, you know, as a possible podcast guy was such an easy yes. And what I love about this podcast is that I get to meet people, quote unquote, randomly, who are totally my people. And I'm just so delighted to be connected to you. Thank you for being here.

SPEAKER_02 4:30

Oh, I'm so excited to be here. Thank you for having me. I I absolutely I can't wait for this conversation either.

SPEAKER_00 4:37

But I'm obsessed with women who use their words. And I'm obsessed when they are in such alignment that they actually are not available to be censored.

SPEAKER_02 4:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:54

Yes. Right. And that they're not just being offensive or having some sort of shock value, but they're talking about real things with real people and real feelings that could change tomorrow as well. And I'm gonna talk about those too. Absolutely. I just I love it so much. So thank you for doing your bold, beautiful, big work in the world.

SPEAKER_02 5:24

Oh, thank you so much. Thank you. I mean, I feel like we have to be authentic because well, I mean, it's a waste of time to be fake.

SPEAKER_00 5:33

I agree. Right. I mean, what are we doing? Right, and I'm like, sorry that it's such an anomaly, but I I think we're just redefining what is appropriate. We're also rewriting a narrative of, you know, quote unquote, nobody's talking about this because that's actually not true because we are talking about it.

SPEAKER_02 5:59

Exactly, exactly. And I think, you know, we have to be uh, you know, our authentic selves. And if, you know, I show up salty, then I'm I'm showing up salty. That's that's how that's how this is going. It's so funny. During my cancer treatment, I had a friend who sometimes dipped her toe in the pool of toxic positivity, you know, just a little, just a little to, you know, just waited in there a little bit. And um she would caution me, like, oh no, you you really have to be positive right now. You really, really have to be like you can't, ooh. And I'm like, well, I can I think I can fight cancer salty and sarcastic, and uh did. There you go.

SPEAKER_00 6:36

Turns out that works too. Who knew? Because it's the energy around it, and like you said, we do have to be our authentic selves because the universe is not listening to our words, it's listening to our vibration. And if you're feeling salty and saying everything's gonna be fine, then you're gonna get the salty version of fine.

SPEAKER_02 7:02

Exactly. Exactly. Because I mean, I think you you you tap into something that's true and it's just more powerful because it it is true. And it I think we all know when we're uh deluding ourselves, you know, when we're when we're telling ourselves a lie that we want to believe so that you know we feel better about it. And I think when we are authentic with ourselves and with others, then then the real like, you know, healing and the journey, you know, and the you can get to the next level as long as you, you know, are honest about it. Like, where where are you? What how are you feeling? Like what's going on with you? Like, do you, you know, um you can't put on a mask of everything's great when it's not great.

SPEAKER_00 7:43

You know what that's reminding me of is yesterday a friend called and her you know initial question was, How are you? And my default answer is fabulous. Great, because that is my default, and I wish that that's my default answer, but I said, Oh, but actually, wait, wait, wait, actually, it's terrible. And I know that's why you're calling, and yeah, that part isn't fabulous, but yeah, but my dominant intention is to live happily ever after, exactly in the most fabulous, abundant, off-the-hook way, yeah. And so to me, like that is not toxic positivity, like that's a habit of thought that is actually in service to the woman I am becoming, exactly. Fabulous, true, true, fabulously navigating less than fabulous circumstance that I somehow am the vibrational match for, which is why I'm happy. Right. So I would like to some very long way to say I am back on my way to fabulous. Thank you for the exactly.

SPEAKER_02 9:05

Exactly. Yeah, I don't want to take away from anyone's aspirational, you know, uh sayings or feelings or beliefs, because yeah, everything's gonna be great and you will be fabulous. You might not be fabulous now, you'll be fabulous later. It's all good. It's all good. We just uh, you know, I think um I think there's so much pressure, I think, to be fabulous, to be perfect, to be strong. And uh I think what we often overlook is that admitting that, you know, you're scared or angry or overwhelmed is a way of being strong. You know, I I think I think, you know, I think sometimes we get it mixed up. Like we think being strong means never admitting you have a problem, never admitting you're overwhelmed, never feeling, you know, sad and hopeless and you know, but I think admitting all those things comes from a place of strength because you're able to be vulnerable in that way with yourself, with people who care about you. And then when you admit that and move on, you know, you're even stronger than you were before.

SPEAKER_00 10:12

Exactly. And that is the key thing, what you said about moving on, not moving past, but you know, moving through. It's like, yes, be mad. No, don't be there. Mad feels way better than powerless.

SPEAKER_02 10:28

Exactly. Exactly. And I think it is about taking back your power. You know, I mean, that's so important in so many situations, whether you're dealing with a health crisis or a personal crisis. You know, I think so often we feel like whatever crisis is at our doorstep is calling the shots. It's, you know, driving the bus. Uh, I certainly felt that way with breast cancer. I felt like, oh well, you know, I mean, she's got the wheel. Like this is ridiculous. But my very wise counselor told me that cancer doesn't get to decide. And I think that's true across your personal crisis, it doesn't get to decide. You still get to decide. You still have the agency to make the choices in your life that are going to affect you and your family. You know, I mean, when you're um saying yes or saying no, you still are in charge.

SPEAKER_00 11:18

100%. I mean, it's a mic drop, and it makes you want to say, I have loved this conversation, which is like a full of that, because it's like, oh my gosh, it's so good. So before we get into the book, unless it's a part of the answer to this question, let me just ask you, how are you saying yes to yourself in this season?

SPEAKER_02 11:41

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, um, saying yes is is so important, I think, because I like many, many women. I mean, I'm a I'm a romance writer by day. So, you know, two-time USA-to-day bestseller, right? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And my first book was a lifetime movie, you know, and then the breast cancer sort of derailed me, but now, you know, and I wrote a memoir, but you know, back to to writing romance. Um, but I think like so many uh women out there, I I I suffer from imposter syndrome, you know, um, most of my life. Despite being a USA-to-day bestseller, I would have that inner voice that would tell me, you know, well, it's not the New York Times. I mean, you know, good for you, but good for you, but so mean. I know. I am such a mean girl to myself. It's horrible. I know. I'm like, where? Geez, who did this guy? I'm a very kind person. I don't, but to myself, I'm just horrible. I don't know. It's like uh like an 80s movie or something. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 12:44

What's her name?

SPEAKER_02 12:46

I don't know. Oh Heather. Yeah, that would be a good one. I'd have to think about that.

SPEAKER_00 12:51

See that movie in the 80s, the Heather?

SPEAKER_02 12:53

Yes, yes, the Heather Heather, Heather, Heather's a good movie. I mean, yeah. And well, I mean, horrible, terrible, but a good name, a good name for an inner main group. Yes, yeah, yeah. Twisted and dark. Okay, Heather, Heather's a good name. Okay, we can go with Heather. We can we can call her Heather. No shade to the good Heathers, no Heathers, yeah, exactly. This is only the bad Heathers.

SPEAKER_00 13:14

That's right.

SPEAKER_02 13:15

So I know I'm not alone in that many, many people feel that uh I I I was I was like spurring myself on. You know, it's like that inner critic was telling me, like, you need to be better. Like this was good, okay, but you can't really just sit on your laurels and enjoy an accomplishment. You gotta work for the next thing. You gotta be better and better and better. And like, you know, what are you doing? But it ended up just being this like, nothing's ever good enough, you know, you can't really be happy with anything. I'm always poking holes in my own accomplishments, you know. And after breast cancer, when I when I had a double massectomy and it was very scary surgery, and I plotted going to Australia many times instead of going to this very, you know, what what's what's uh Bundai Beach like right now? I'm I don't know. Maybe I could just go there and pretend I don't have cancer. It was a legitimate choice, but uh I I went, uh I did the hard things, um, you know, and I and I got through the surgery. Congratulations, Queen. Thank you, and and did well. And after the surgery, because I knew it was so hard for me, I I gave myself like just an inner pat on the back. Like, you did a good job. You know, you really did a good job. And there wasn't a but you could have eaten better, but you could have, you know, done the done better with the doctors, you know, whatever. Mainly, Heather. I know, right? Right, exactly. But there was no, there was no butt. There was no butt. And I realized then like how draining all that negativity was, all of the no's that were coming from Heather. Like Heather was like, well, and the butts, like, yes, but or uh, you know, yes, but that's not good enough, or you know, you shouldn't do that, or like, no, no, that's not for you. You know, there was that there's a lot of no's, there's a lot of negativity in Heather. And uh I decided that was not serving me. You know, it was really not uh encouraging me to be better, it was really just tearing me down on the inside. So saying yes to me looks like you know, getting rid of the butt. You know, just saying yes to the compliment, the the good thing that's there, and not looking for the bad things, which is sort of looking for the no, it's looking for the rejection, you know. Um, so yeah, that's how I'm saying yes to me.

SPEAKER_00 15:41

It's so powerful because we are in choice. Even when the circumstances feel uh like we don't have a choice, we are we are in choice. My I'm a student of Course in Miracles, and today's lesson is the power of decision is mine. Yes, like I get to choose what my experience of my experience is, whatever's happening around me, I get to choose what meaning I give it, yeah, what how I'm gonna respond. And you know, people can push back on that. That's fine. They're not inside my body or inside my morning practice. And when I hear those words, I feel empowered. Yeah, yes, okay, freedom is a decision away. Yes. So how is it? I feel expansive in this situation that was formerly suffocating. Right now I've just taken a deep inhale and what am I gonna do with this? And that is it's so powerful.

SPEAKER_02 17:02

Yeah. I love the way you I love how you put that entirely. Like I think that's so, so true. You know, there's so much freedom in just the acknowledgement, you know, that we're that we're in a state of choice, that we have choices, you know, that we don't always like them, right? I mean, that's the the oddest truth about it. We don't always like our choices, but we have choices, you know.

SPEAKER_00 17:25

And we can, like you said, when we were talking about anger, it's like we're not gonna stay there, we're gonna move through. So where where is the pinhole of daylight in this darkly focus on that and move toward that and eventually be in a room that is full of light? Absolutely, but yeah, moving around here and trying to get the dark to be more like the pinhole is a waste of my energy. Yeah, yeah, and it's not it's not in service, right? So whatever we need to do to move toward the light, then I know I think that's so important, you know.

SPEAKER_02 18:07

Uh, I think life sometimes, especially during difficult times, during the valleys of our life. Uh, I I think it feels like it's trying to like suck the joy out of us, you know. So the the hope and the joy. And I think at those times we have to be very protective of it, very protective of our hope and our joy. And I think it means looking for it. Exactly. Exactly. It means looking for it in places that perhaps you took for granted before. And the one thing I will say that I was grateful about the cancer treatment and the chemotherapy in particular is that it really challenged me to find small things I was grateful for. It did that because during chemotherapy, my diet was greatly restricted. I couldn't eat uh most of my favorite foods, like no dairy, so no cheese, and I love cheese. And um, the acidity in coffee upset my stomach, which was horrible because I am, you know, a coffee drinker, like coffee lover. Like, you know, everyone in my family cheese in your coffee. Yeah, exactly. Can I have like four extra shots? You know, um, I I am a Starbucks drive-thru addict. Like, you know, everyone knows coffee is my thing. And um, I could not drink it. So I had to have tea. And it was like such a gut punch on top of losing the hair, feeling tired, you know, all of the other things that come along with chemotherapy. And it was just one thing I was like, you can't take that too. Like my coffee too, no. But then because those small things were taken with the big things, it was very easy to step in a hopeless place. Like uh, I can't even have my coffee. Have a pity party of one. I can't even have my coffee. Like what you know, I'm I'm bald and ugly and feel terrible and I don't even get coffee. You know, what's happening here? Right. And then I was I had to do a mental shift of okay, rather than focusing on the lack and what I don't have. Like I really, really, it's so important to focus on what I do have. I have these amazing herbal teas and lavender honey. Something very simple uh that I could eat was like an English muffin with like apricot jam, you know, which sounds fine. But you know, in the nooks and crannies, it was delicious and something I loved from when I was a kid. And then I, you know, I was like, I have this, I have tea, I have different other things that I could eat. And I had to focus on those. Like this is a bright spot. This is something I can eat. Like I can eat today. I feel I don't feel as nauseous today. Like, you know, and then focusing on what I had and thank goodness I'm not having chemotherapy in the middle of a war zone, you know. I'm I'm able to get the the care I need. I'm not unhoused, I have a house, like very seemingly basic human, you know, needs. And just focusing on what I did have helped me to deal with what I didn't.

SPEAKER_00 21:15

100%. It's such a superpower, Kara. And I I love that you mention it because often when you say like you had to protect what you could have, sometimes we think that we're protecting it by holding on type more tightly.

SPEAKER_02 21:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:37

And what you did was exactly the practice that I try to do, and we talk about on this podcast all the time, is to focus on what we do have and do a deep dive, like the jam in the crannies and the that sounds so good. Yeah, exactly. And when you you know, I get it. Some people might think that's a total eye roll. Well, yeah, don't come over here because that's pretty much what my whole day is like. I know. My gosh, moss growing on a stone that's at 200. Yeah. Yes. It's so good. And it's that in the midst of whatever nonsense we did not sign up for, but is happening around us. It's that focus that is not toxic positivity. No. That's a freaking lifeline. It is. And it's what if what we focus on grows. Yes. We're going to create more of what we're pouring all of that high vibe, yummy energy into. It's not going to make some giant English muffin with legs like in ghost researchers. Exactly. We're going to have more simple pleasures and then abundance of them. And then and then and then.

SPEAKER_02 23:03

Yes. Yeah. And I think it also helps ground you in a moment, especially when there's a lot of chaos. Yes. And fear at breakfast. When I had that, you know, uh, it was just like at this time eating this thing, doing this, I'm safe. I'm not getting chemo. I'm, you know, not getting the next scan to see how the cancer is doing. I am safe and doing something I I love. And it's very simple, but I'm safe and it's good, you know. So yeah, I I think I think focusing on that can help ground you uh when the rest of the world feels like chaos. And you're in that dark place with the one pinhole. The pinhole gets bigger, you know, the more you focus on it.

SPEAKER_00 23:46

It totally does. And the darkness gets darker the more you focus on that. Yes, yeah, absolutely. It doesn't matter that it's true. Yeah. Like, yeah, this shitty thing was happening to you. Yeah. And you were looking for what you wanted and you were looking for it where it was. And it was on an English muffin. It was not anywhere else.

SPEAKER_02 24:12

I know. And I'll tell you, I got um, you know, I I tried different different little gourmet jams, you know, uh different little uh flavored honeys, you know. I mean, there were there was a whole there was a whole like, oh, what can what else can I try? What what else might be good? You know, it's so simple and yet joyful. It's a superpower. Yeah, it's really so so important. Because when the chemo was over and I was better and my hair grew back and my stomach settled, and then I introduced coffee again. I mean, it was like a long-lost friend, you know, like, oh, love of my life, you're back. And you know, I invested in a fancy coffee machine, and I just amazing to me.

SPEAKER_00 24:58

Yes, because your joy, you had been watering and putting sunshine on your sense of joy. Yeah, and so that's what grew while everything else was being killed off. Yes, yeah, so true.

SPEAKER_02 25:14

I mean, it's true. What where we focus is what grows. Where where we focus is is what we get more of. You know, if you're if you're focused on the negative, you're gonna get more negative. If you're focused on the positive, you're gonna see more positive. Like it's just that is how the universe works.

SPEAKER_00 25:32

Sometimes the argument is, well, see, I told you that was gonna happen. Yeah, but did you want that to happen? Right. That it doesn't do you want to be right or do you want to feel good? Because I want to feel good and I am having my own experience of right over like you, you know, the person that's focused in the negative direction. Yes, that is happening, that is true. I'm not denying that that's not happening in the Course in Miracles. They talk about like it's not denial, like I'm an idiot, it's not happening, but I it's positive denial. I am denying that it has any power over me. Yeah, and I am giving my focus to this other thing that is also true, yes, of an English muffin with you. That is also true. And exactly when I focus on that, I feel better.

unknown 26:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:30

So it's not true, can't that can't be the bar of what we're gonna give our attention to, right?

SPEAKER_02 26:37

Exactly. I would also say, you know, personally, as a as a uh I always say I'm like a reformed worrier because at my core I worry a lot. You know, I mean, I'm just I I worry, I'm a little anxious. I have a little little bit of anxiety, you know. Um I'm working on it. I will say throughout my life that no matter how much worry I did in advance, it never, it, it never helped me feel less sad or disappointed or hopeless. Like prepared. Or yeah, prepared. The worry did nothing for me. It's it's that it's that old saying, it's like sitting in a rocking chair gives you something to do, but you don't go anywhere. I mean I understand it as a deeply human thing to do is be concerned and worry and try to plan. I love to try to plan for contingencies. I do that all the time to try to mitigate anxiety and fear. Um, but at the end of the day, it actually you're still heartbroken. You're still, you know, it does, it doesn't take away any of the the bad feelings.

unknown 27:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:44

And telling yourself, like, well, I told you so, or I told I knew this terrible thing would happen doesn't help either. That's a heather, that's a heather thing to say. Yeah, that's a that's a heather thing to say, is that uh of course the worst would happen when it was just as likely the best would happen.

SPEAKER_00 28:00

Right. And that the way that we prepare is in these practices that we have, these practices of focusing on joy, of connecting with our highest and best, with time with God, whatever people are doing. It's that that's how we prepare.

SPEAKER_02 28:21

Yeah. And I would say too, during my um treatment with cancer, I started to feel that the searching for the little joys and the little things, the English muffins, this the herbal tea, the the time with friends, something that's funny makes you laugh. Um, it's not it's not just a coping mechanism for getting through something bad. It's it's kind of the whole reason we're here. I wouldn't even look at it like, oh, this is something to help me get through to the next thing. This is why we're living, you know, to to to to connect with one another, to find joy in places that we can find joy. I mean, what a wonderful world actually we live in, you know. Aren't we aren't we uh, you know, just uh privileged to be here. I mean, I I think that, but uh, you know, I mean I every single day um since remission to me is bonus time. And and I look at that, uh, I this is a bonus day. I I wasn't supposed to have this day, and uh what a gift and how amazing. The biggest thing I realized is that I was always living on bonus time and never knew it. You know, I never just took it for granted, just thought, well, yes, of course, of course, I'm gonna be here forever. Like this is, you know, I'm gonna deal with death and all those ugly things later. Uh life had other plans for me, but um, we're all living on bonus time. It's all a privilege to be here. We should take make the most of it, you know, don't waste it. Right.

SPEAKER_00 29:51

Thank you for all of that. It's so beautiful. And it's clear that this was not an attitude that you just put on like a sweater when this started out, like this was already your practice, yeah, and you so generously are sharing about it. So, at what point in the process of moving through this did you decide to write a book about it?

SPEAKER_02 30:24

Yeah, there's no good book for this, but I wrote one anyway. Uh, The Irreverent Guide to Crushing Breast Cancer started as a journal. You know, it started as me journaling through the process. You know, I'm I'm a writer, so you know, writing is the way to get my emotions out. It's uh it's the way I feel like my best self and you know, um, at most, you know, vibrating in the in the way I should with the universe is writing. So I did a lot of journaling. I had a lot of very well-meaning friends that and and healthcare providers that gave me, you know, the big scary breast cancer book of information. And it was all very medical and very scary, and there were diagrams in it, and you know, all the treatments and you know, all the medical terms. And I just felt there there wasn't um as many books out there that talked about the emotional journey of of dealing with breast cancer, which is really is really the focus of there's no good book for this. It's um it's really about how do you get hold of the fear and uh and and how do you get to that place where you can look for the English muffin, you know? How do you how do you how do you get there? And a friend of mine, because I was I was journaling a lot and I was talking to a good friend of mine about um everything, and she's like, You should really turn this into a book. You should you should turn this into a book, you know, one in eight women have breast cancer. You're so good with words, you should you should do this, you know. Um, and I was like, should I? Should I? And then I was like, all right, maybe I should, maybe I should. Uh if it helps one person, then good. So um I wrote the book. Uh it was it was actually one of the fastest books I've I've written just because the journal was there, you know, it was more editing than it was extra writing. Sure.

SPEAKER_00 32:07

And was that like a distraction as well for you?

SPEAKER_02 32:11

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it helped me process my feelings uh selfishly, you know. Uh right, but also in service. Yes, yeah, absolutely. Because um, I really just feel like it can be so isolating getting that diagnosis and it's so difficult to wrap your arms around, and especially because I think cancer patients, uh I was I was I was very lucky to have a counselor uh in my life that I had gone to and other during other difficult times in my life. And I reached back out to her and she was able to, you know, help me work through it. But I think I think cancer patients a lot of the time have to put on a brave face, even to those closest to them, because partners and family members are also going on this journey with you, this horrible roller coaster ride no one asked for. And um it's it's it's difficult to be honest about how scared you are, you know, about how much this hurts, about you know, uh your fear and your you about what your body's gonna look like and and whether you're gonna have this hanging over your head for the rest of your life. And it can be it can be difficult. So I really wanted to provide a place for people that they felt they weren't alone, that they saw themselves because every feeling you're feeling is right, you know, you're gonna feel them all. It's right, it's a roller coaster ride. So, you know, I just wanted to make people feel less alone. And each chapter has a pep talk at the end, which I think we all need no matter what we're going through. Even Heather. Even Heather. Maybe, you know, if Heather got more pep talks, she wouldn't be here. I'm just saying.

SPEAKER_00 33:49

She would just stay in the room longer and not just drop the pearls of wisdom. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 33:56

Her snark and then leave. Yeah. Right. Throw in shade and go away. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_00 34:01

Exactly. It's just so very generous of you.

SPEAKER_02 34:07

Oh, again, if I can help one person, that's great. It's also, you know, if I can raise a little money to help breast cancer, 50% of the proceeds go to breast cancer charities, Susan G. Comen and the Breast Cancer Research Foundation. Because I I I would like nothing more than for cancer to be in the history books, you know, to be like the bubonic plague and people like, you know, read about it. Uh uh, like, oh, that's weird. People, people got that and died, you know, and then no one ever joins the club again. No one ever buys the book, no one ever reads it, we're all done.

unknown 34:38

Perfect.

SPEAKER_02 34:39

I love that goal.

SPEAKER_00 34:41

I support you in that goal. Yeah, thank you. That's amazing. Um, I love that you, and I'm assuming that you are also having the opportunity to leverage your audience from your other work. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:59

Yeah. I have run into a lot of readers who either were diagnosed themselves or relatives or um coworkers, friends. It's a sad truth that, you know, uh cancer diagnosis, they're they're on the rise. Uh, for any number of reasons, we're better at diagnosing them, but also we have a lot of environmental issues. We're only just starting to understand. Really, cancer uh is is only hereditary in like uh 25% of the cases or less than that. So most cases they don't know where it comes from. Cancer didn't run in my family, you know. I would encourage everyone to get all your early screenings. And and that's the end of the medical announcement.

unknown 35:41

Right.

SPEAKER_02 35:41

You know, the earlier you find it, the better your prognosis will be. Um so thank you for that.

SPEAKER_00 35:48

Um, can tell me about your other books.

SPEAKER_02 35:51

Yeah. Yeah. So um I'm, you know, like I said, I'm by day, I'm a romance novelist. Um, I write under two names. Uh so Carol Lockwood uh was my formerly married name, and that was the name I I started with. And uh my first book was a lifetime movie called I Do But I Don't about a Divorced Wedding Planner, starring Denise Richards. Yes. Before she before she was a real housewife, yes.

SPEAKER_00 36:16

Oh, I wasn't a real housewife, but I am a divorced wedding planner. Right.

SPEAKER_02 36:20

Oh, good. Yeah. So um, and I wrote the uh Hallmark movie, uh The Dater's Handbook, uh starring Megan Markle. So um did a bunch of books for Harlequin and Simon Schuster, and um then uh rebranded a few years ago as Karatanamachi, which I'm Japanese American, and that's my the name I was born with, the name my parents gave me. So um I wrote about some characters that are that are Asian American, like my family. Uh the Takeover was a USA Today bestseller, um, and also just won an Emma Award for best romantic comedy. So it's uh congratulations. Yeah, thank you. And an Amazon editor's pick uh was the second year single, which was the book before that, and that also got a diverse writers and readers award. So, you know, it's it they're just they're just fun books, they're they're lighthearted, there's a lot of humor in it. I I I think humor is our secret weapon in life. So I like to use it as much as possible.

SPEAKER_00 37:28

I love it, and I love thank you for mentioning all the awards.

SPEAKER_02 37:32

Yeah, stuff I told Heather, yeah. I don't know. I was like, Heather, you don't get to say, you don't get to say that's not an Oscar.

SPEAKER_00 37:39

You're like, uh gosh, it's really fascinating, you know. Even the women that I have on the podcast, of course, are phenomenal, magical beings that are doing amazing things in the world, which is why they want to amplify their voice and why I want to shine a spotlight on them. And what I am, and I don't know if it's always been this way, and I'm just paying more attention, but the comment, well, it's not perfect after it's like, are you kidding me right now? Yeah, when I feel like no one even knows what that means. Everybody knows that it's not to be obtained. So why would we even and every time someone says it, everyone else in the room says, Oh my gosh, don't be ridiculous, right? And I mean, so it's like, what is this habit? Because I don't believe it doesn't match the level of consciousness of the women that I'm having conversations with. So I think it is just a habit when you know, maybe because I've never met them until I opened up the Zoom room and they're feeling good and they're feeling comfortable and they're feeling safe, and then they let something out like USA Today bestseller, and immediately Heather says, Yeah, uh, hey little lady, you just met her, you better tone it down. Right. Or she doesn't think that you're like, oh my gosh. Anytime, anytime my thought process is, well, I don't want this person to think this because then they might do. I'm like, oh my god, that is so far removed from my work. Like, I know. Let's just worry about how we feel about us and what we're saying. And I just want to applaud you for having the bravery to write something down, to show it to someone, to have it be seen by people in a big publishing house and in major networks, and in the public view. That's so beautiful. And I love the pre-paving of that success to get this book, that there's one book for this, so I wrote one into those hands. Like you were pre-paving that you are a voice to be listened to. Yeah. And regardless of genre, if someone thinks that that genre is not real, whatever, like who cares what anyone thinks about.

SPEAKER_02 40:39

I know, I know, I know. It's so it's so interesting. I think um, I really do think it comes down to we only have so much time. And we like to think we have more time than we have, uh, but whatever time we have won't be enough. And I struggle with self-doubt too, and and worry about what people think of me and um, you know, wring my hands over bad reviews, like I'm a human being, you know. But I think because we have such limited time, dooming yourself before you even start is just a it's a waste of that precious time. Like you should you should go for the thing you want, you know. Don't don't wait for the cancer diagnosis to to do something that you want to do, but it's scary, you know. Uh whether that's opening your own bakery or or getting a divorce or like what whatever you think it is that is holding you back or or whatever you're worried about like doing and maybe other people aren't gonna like it. I mean, it it's it's your life, right? It's your your job.

SPEAKER_00 41:43

To all avoidance of what they're not doing that they don't like.

SPEAKER_02 41:47

Yeah, it's an interesting thing because there's a psychological um condition called the spotlight effect, where we all feel like we're in the spotlight and like we're everyone's talking about us all the time, you know, and not that we're narcissists, but just like, oh, what if I do that? People are gonna say, if I write a romance novel, people are gonna say I'm silly or they're gonna, you know, what what whatever they're gonna say. Um, but we're not in the spotlight. You know, we only think we are, but we're really not. And and that came into play when, you know, I was going through chemotherapy and lost all my hair and was like kind of sometimes felt embarrassed to go out. I'm like, you know, people are gonna stare at me, like, you know, that it's that spotlight effect, like, oh, people are people are gonna pity me or like I don't I don't know if I want to handle that, you know, but you're not in the spotlight. Like if you if you if you turn the tables and you think of yourself out in the world, you might consider um somebody that you think can't write a novel and you might think about them for 10 seconds, and then you move on to like what you're gonna make for dinner, and like, you know, what else are you gonna do? What the stresses you have in your life, are you getting that promotion? Or but you know, if you're at the grocery store and you see a bald person that looks sickly, you might go, oh, they might have cancer. And then immediately, where are the potato chips? I need to get, you know, I mean, you're not spending any amount of time thinking about that other person. Whereas we're always concerned, like, oh, people are just you know, thinking about us all the time, saying things behind our backs all the time. Like that's right, not happening.

SPEAKER_00 43:21

If only that were true, right? Algorithm for social media would not be bigger than all of our stuff. So clearly.

SPEAKER_02 43:30

Exactly, exactly. If that were true, yes, then Instagram would be all you all the time. Right. Right. No one else, no one else.

SPEAKER_00 43:41

It is, and I thank you for saying that because yes, we do feel that. We do feel like, oh my gosh, what is everyone gonna think? Yes. I had a dream in my heart for several, several years to restore the property line. Of my house. So my house, I live in Massachusetts. It was built in 1785. Wow. Yeah. Wow. It was originally a 50-acre parcel. Wow. And over the years, some small pieces got sold off. But then a former owner divided it into what was with my house and then a large area, about 30 acres in conservation restriction, you know, um. And as soon as I realized that that used to be a part of this, I declared I would like to reinstate the property line. And I, this um on the wall there is uh a Bible verse that read from Proverbs 31 that reads, She sets her heart upon a field and takes it as her own. Oh and I was like, Oh, I wrote in my Bible. Why, yes, she does. Yes, she does. So I put it on a chalkboard and my friend, we went up to the top of the hill, and I'm holding it over my head, and she took my picture and like all of these beautiful things, and then fast forward three years from that picture, I bought it. Good. Yes, I bought you. Thank you. At the time of this recording, I bought it a year ago. So at the time of this airing, a year and a half ago, fantastic. I don't ever talk about it because I don't want people to think that the divorce settlement is what gave me the money to do the like, what in the actual F is wrong with you? I know nobody cares, and I don't care, and I know it's true, and I bought it with my own damn money, and I'm so proud of myself, and and come over and have a party there like exactly after this. Like, yeah, I hold space to dream retreats, and I'm not even using my words to talk about my dreams.

SPEAKER_02 46:16

Yeah, I mean, you know what? I mean, amazing though, and and congratulations for for holding that space for you to do it, um, and for believing in you, you know. I mean, that's the I I think that's the key to I I think you can do most anything you set your mind to. You can't do, I don't think you can do everything because you have only so much attention, you know, you have so much, so much power, so much vibration, you know. But if you really want something, you can get that. Like I think you just need to focus on it. Yep. And I I I do believe God and the universe will conspire with you to make that happen.

SPEAKER_00 46:54

Right. And I think that a part of that as well is you know, sometimes we're focusing on a thing, yeah, but really we're what we want is the feeling that we think that thing is gonna provide. Yes, and that does not mean that God doesn't want you to have the thing, right? But we could have the feeling right now, and again, having the feeling right now doesn't mean you're not gonna get the thing, it means you're practicing the radio station that that thing is on, and so you are a match for it, and you can also when like to me, that meant freedom, it meant expansion, it meant more, it meant I know what I want and I can have what I want, and I love that it meant I don't want to ask permission when I need overflow parking or I want to go to the pond. So it it meant so much to me. It yeah, and so I could practice what else feels like freedom? What else feels just like you focusing on the pin light of light? Yes, yes, it's like what else what feels so yummy and delicious about this English muffin? And how can I be a choice about this? And you practice that, and now yeah, whatever you want for breakfast.

SPEAKER_02 48:27

That's right, that's right. And I would say, I would say too, the whole the journey toward the goal is is the whole point, really. Like having the goal is amazing. It's one even before you get it, having it, having it out there is bright and shiny, the thing you want, the thing you're working toward. It's beautiful. It's it's wonderful to have that. You know, it's it's wonderful to have the aspiration of what you want to do ahead of you and all of the things you can do that are so satisfying to get there, you know.

SPEAKER_00 48:56

Enjoy the journey. Once you get there, you identify a new thing. Yes, because it is when they say it's all about the journey, it really is all about because once you get the thing, you're like, gotta get a new journey. Well, now I have to mow it. Now I have to like do all the things that having 38 property is. Yes, it was actually a lot more thrilling to want it. Yeah, but not because I have a satisfaction problem, right? It's because I am a creative being and I am on to the next thing. I am satisfied with what is and I am eager for more. Yes, absolutely, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 49:38

And I do think um there's another psychological term, um, the arrival fallacy. So a lot of cancer patients feel this. Uh, you have one goal, you know, for a cancer patient, that's to be in remission, you know. Um, and and in your mind, that's the most important thing you need to do is you need to, you know, get kick cancer, get to remission. Um, but then you get there and it feels almost disappointing, like almost like a letdown. Like what like I've been working for this for a year and a half, two years. Like I I did everything I was supposed to do. I have this, but why doesn't it feel better? Why doesn't it feel, you know, it feels it feels like empty, like there's not and then a lot of patients can be very depressed. It's like they're the fight's over, they they won, and they're depressed, they're empty and depressed. And the the arrival fallacy tells you that you've put all of this emphasis on the one goal, remission, or what have you. You hit it, but then it didn't solve all the other problems that maybe you hoped it would, you know, uh tension in your marriage or with your kids or you know, in-laws, or the promotion you're not getting, the frustrations at work, you know, uh burning dinner, all of the things that are just normal annoyances don't go away, you know, once you hit that big goal because you put so much hope into it that that's the only thing you need to have everything to be perfect. It's also like if I only won the lottery, everything would be perfect. If I only got that promotion or that bestseller or that relationship, everything would be perfect. But there's not one thing that makes everything perfect. You know, we're still living, you know, in the life that you still have to look for the pinholes sometimes, you know, you know. So I would say the goal is fantastic and reaching for the goal is good. And and and give yourself some grace because this is this is the part that's the meaty fun part. Yeah, reaching for your goal. Right. And then get a new one. Yeah. And then all you do is get a new one. That's you know, you kicked cancer, now write a book. Uh you know, change your job, uh, start dating, like whatever, whatever it might be. Right.

SPEAKER_00 51:58

Oh my gosh, it's so good. I love this conversation. I love you. I'm so happy to be connected. Please tell everyone where they can find and follow you, how they can interact with all the fabulous books.

SPEAKER_02 52:14

Yes, yes. Well, come learn all about me at Kara the Author. That's Kara with a C, Kara theauthor.com. And you can see all the books there and all my social medias and and everything else. And and follow me there or drop me a line. I'd be happy to start up a conversation.

SPEAKER_00 52:30

Perfect. Well, we will link everything down in the show notes. Thank you so much. I loved this conversation.

SPEAKER_02 52:37

Thank you so much. Thank you for all the good work you're doing as well. Uh, putting out so so much good information for so many people out there. More people should say yes to themselves. I couldn't agree more.

SPEAKER_00 52:54

I hope you enjoyed that conversation as much as I did. As always, any links or notes mentioned can be found at PhineasRighthouse.com in the podcast section of our site or in the show notes below. And if you haven't connected with me personally, come find me on Instagram at PhineasWrighthouse and let me know you listened to this episode. I'd love to get to know you. Thank you for sharing this time with me. I know your days are full, and I'm really grateful that you chose to spend some of your precious time right here. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss any of these delightful conversations. I'll see you next week.