How to Date From Abundance, Not Scarcity | Kathryn Morea

Kathryn Morea spent 29 years married before a divorce in her early 50s left her rebuilding an identity she hadn't touched in decades. She'd only ever known herself as half of a marriage, so figuring out who she was on her own, in her 50s, meant starting from a blank page most people don't expect to face at that age. Now in her 60s, she coaches midlife women through what she calls the glow-up: reclaiming body confidence, dating, and desirability instead of assuming that season of life is over. 

They explore:

• Why she believes so many women unknowingly operate from scarcity around dating and love, and what changed when she started seeing real abundance instead
• The specific mindset shift that made her stop apologizing for her body on dates, and why she thinks the apology itself sends the wrong message
• What it took to separate her worth from a story she'd been telling herself for years about what was still available to her at this age

Kathryn's story isn't about pretending midlife is easy. It's about refusing to accept the version of it she'd been handed by default. She spent years rebuilding from the ground up, and what she's built instead isn't a consolation prize for what she lost. It's a life she actively likes better.

Connect with Kathryn:

Instagram: instagram.com/kathrynunleashed

Book your free call with Katheryn: calendly.com/kathryn-morea/one-on-one-call

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:08

Hi friends, this is Wendy Harrup, and welcome to the Say Yes to Yourself podcast. On the Say Yes to Yourself podcast, you'll hear stories from women just like us who are adding the practice of saying yes in their daily lives in big and small ways, and as a result are experiencing the truth that everybody wins when you say yes to yourself. Saying yes to yourself is a graceful unfolding, an intentional becoming of the very best version of you. It is my hope that in these conversations we are able to find our truth and be inspired and empowered to live our very best lives. I'm so excited to go on this journey with you, and I look forward to finding a bit of our own story in each other's. By our, I mean me. Milia has gone back to her dad's. I'm so proud of her. She's very brave and flew by herself. Her only um requirement was there to be a lounge while she waited, which I love that about her. And uh she was brave and courageous and landed safely. And I miss having her here. I love the way that she made the chateau her own. And she uh has been the first to uh christen the new furniture by sitting on all the couches and relaxing while I'm working all day long. Um making this house beautiful and ready for you to come play with us. So we've got some retreats coming up in 2027, lots of opportunities with the cognac jewelry school. Um, also, I'm going to be doing a very fun antique and Christmas markets trip, which will be at the end of November. This is all 2027, so you can save the dates now and tend to everything that might keep you from this fabulous yes to yourself. You've got all the time in the world. I'm so eager to share today's conversation with you. We have Catherine Morea, who is a transformation coach and speaker who helps women over 50 reclaim visibility, desire, and confidence by challenging the cultural myth that aging makes women invisible. Now in her 60s, Catherine embodies the work she teaches. After reinventing her identity, body, and sense of desire later in life, she emerged not with a quiet acceptance of aging, but with her most confident, intimate, and expansive chapter yet. Catherine speaks directly to women who feel overlooked, underestimated, or disconnected from their sense of aliveness. Through coaching, embodiment practices, and honest conversations about desire, sexuality, and emotional sovereignty, she guides women back into presence, power, and self-trust. I know you are going to love this conversation with Catherine Marea. Catherine, I have already decided that this is going to be an amazing conversation because you're so cool, and I'm just thrilled to have you here. Thank you so much. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 4:04

Thank you, Wendy. I also am thrilled to be here, and I love the podcast, and I love what you are sharing with midlife women. It's absolutely my passion.

SPEAKER_01 4:14

Thank you. I know, right? And you're just to dive right in about your passion, that's not something that you decided in middle school that talking to midlife women was going to be your passion. So would have guessed. Right. So tell me a little bit or a lot, a bit, of how this shift happened for you.

SPEAKER_00 4:41

Right. Well, um, and I suppose this is probably the story for many of the women in your audience, but you know, I was married for many years, 29 years. And then I got divorced and separated in 2018, and I was in my early 50s, and it was a really hard Congratulations, by the way. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 5:01

Welcome.

SPEAKER_00 5:02

Thank you. But, you know, some of the things that happen in our life we don't necessarily choose, and then we learn from them. And finding my voice and finding my identity and re-establishing and redefining my identity is now something I've sort of come to the other side of. We're never done, right? We're never complete. We're always human becomings. But right now I'm in a really good place. And it took me years to get there. And there were some really hard-won battles in that. And I just think, wow, if there are other people that other women specifically that are currently where I was six, seven years ago, five years ago, two years ago, I would like to show them that there's hope and there's bright, sunny futures with lots of abundance on the other side of that. And so that's what I'm talking about and sharing. And and and it's it's just such an exciting time and there is so much available. And I didn't know that there was. And I lived in a lot of scarcity, especially when it came to dating and men and love and you know, and what you're gonna do in that second half. So I think I'm really lucky to be on the other side of it and I want to share those those stories with people who need to hear them.

SPEAKER_01 6:15

I've just figured out why I think you're so cool. It's because we're the same person. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 6:21

Exactly. And I've been listening to a lot of what you've been sharing, and I'm like, wow, this is it's really speace. I'm so glad that you have a voice and you're sharing your stories and and the women that you're talking to through the podcast, because I think it's so helpful. It's so helpful. And these things weren't available, you know, 10 years ago, 20 years ago. And it's great that we can tap into it now and get the support that we need through podcasts like yours. Thank goodness. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 6:47

And with the work that you're doing, because like you said, and like our experience was we only knew what we knew, but then once I mean, Buddha said when the student is ready, the teacher appears, and once this switch was flipped, first of all, there's no unknowing, you can't go back once you have what yeah, what you can't unsee what you just saw. Right. And whatever cooperative components came together for you to see it, whether it was something that was beautiful or something that you would identify as tragic, let's just say it's the thing that got me to who I am now. And so because of the result, I'm grateful for the path, right? Because we wouldn't have known.

SPEAKER_00 7:51

Yeah. Yeah. I'm happy with who I am now, and I'm happy to be living in my 60s in my best era. And who would have thought? I never would have thought. I mean, my grandmother died in her 60s, you know, and uh and I didn't think, you know, when you're like in your 20s or 30s, you're like, those are old people. Right. Um, and then when you get here, you're like, wait, I'm I'm not that old. And so being able to experience, you know, uh a sexties, a sexy 60s, who would have thought I love the sexties. I can't wait.

SPEAKER_01 8:28

As a 58-year-old, I am breathing down the neck of the sexties.

SPEAKER_00 8:32

There's a lot to look forward to. I you are there is a freedom to not worrying about getting pregnant, and there is a freedom to not worrying so much about your reputation as an older woman, um, midlife women, we we don't have the pressure of, gee, I have to find a husband and baby daddy who's worthy, and I have to, you know, set that up so that I can have the family because we're on the other side of that. Many of us are, you know, either done with that or we have, you know, teenagers and empty nesters, that sort of thing. So it's a really different experience than what a 20 or 30-year-old in the dating scene is is looking for. So you can either be upset about that and regret it and go with, you know, your feet kicking and, you know, screaming and not wanting to get old and not wanting to embrace a different era, or you can say, wow, this this has some amazing advantages that I didn't have as a young woman. So I love that.

SPEAKER_01 9:36

And I think that for me, at least, and tell me if this is true for you, because my epiphany, my enlightenment, whatever the thing happened that I started saying yes to myself. My uh catalyst, I was gonna say trigger, it wasn't a trigger, it was a catalyst, was in January of 2020. I just signed up for an online business course and had no idea that my entire life was gonna change as a result of the things, the principles I learned, and the people I met. And coupled with it ended in April of 2020. So the whole world shut down. And for me personally, my whole world had just opened up because of that experience of the 12-week course I was in. And so the shutdown became for me a creative incubator of intention setting, of completely creating an entirely new life, an entirely new woman, an entirely new experience that then led to not entirely new people, but less people than used to be here. So, right, just because it wasn't no longer I couldn't unlearn what I learned. I say he wasn't interested in evolving, he was interested in me just being happy with the way that it used to be. Yeah, because I wasn't available for that. So my courage set both of us free.

SPEAKER_00 11:25

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 11:25

And yeah, it is, it's very powerful. And whether he recognizes or not, it doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_00 11:33

Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:34

Because I decided that I'm gonna live this life. So I think what my question to you was is that because this happened to both of us at the age, you know, in our 50s, right, in our 50s, it makes all of the things that are coming that maybe we used to think were far off or undesirable now, like, oh my, like this could this will be better. Everything is better than I anticipated because I'm better.

SPEAKER_00 12:11

Yes, right, yes, yes, and I used to think when I was married, um, and I was mostly very happily married, totally, you know, until the last couple years.

SPEAKER_01 12:23

Yeah, I was till I wasn't.

SPEAKER_00 12:24

Right, right. And I would think to myself when I would see, you know, my friends who were single struggling with dating and whatnot, and I would think, oh my God, that would be so terrible. That would just be so awful to be single and not have my person. And um, you know, we are we are set up and conditioned in many ways to pair off. And so when, you know, society is very much, you know, around the couple. And then when you're older and you're starting out new again, like, oh, now I've got to like go out in the dating world and put myself out there. And, you know, I I I didn't really uh uh cherish a lot of that first couple years of that that experience and found myself really depressed about some of that. But when you get to the other side of that, um, whatever that trajectory is for you, you know, it took me a good five years or so and and some different things happening, including like glowing up and just taking more responsibility for my own health and wellness and going to the gym. And then things did start to happen and I realized the abundance of men and fun dating opportunities, and I started to see it in a different light. And so instead of becoming this thing that I got stuck with, you know, this thing happened to me, and now I have to put myself out there and I, you know, and doing it begrudgingly instead of going like, wow, if I were still married, I would never have had all these amazing experiences with these different people. And each one opens you up, and each time you're with a new person on a date, it gives you a chance to find your voice. Yes. It gives you a chance to realize what your boundaries are and speak them. And then you realize that these things for me were a pattern that was showing up everywhere in my life, and it was showing up in business and other relationships with friends where I would silently like, you know, take something and swallow it down and be like, oh, they didn't really mean that that comment. Um, they they probably didn't realize that was a very hurtful thing to say, and just take it. And then when you get to experience new relationships and new people in your life, and you go, Well, I don't want to repeat those patterns, so how do I find my voice and say, I have a boundary about that, or you know, hey, I I want to talk to you about something you said yesterday, um, and getting a chance to actually use your voice, and there is so much power in that. So I love that this has forced me in a way to up my own voice and my boundaries and learn to say no to things and learn to ask questions to things that I never had to do when I was just safely married off with one person. It's forcing me to grow in a way that I needed to grow, you know, in the theme that was reoccurring in my own life.

SPEAKER_01 15:20

Oh my gosh, that is so generous and yummy, and I could talk all day about that. I have a question about something you said at the beginning of that because I I know what you meant, and I want to go back and have you bring some more clarity to it. Okay. You said you had a realization about you called it a glow up. So I want you to talk about that because I love it. Um, and I don't want our listener to hear, and then I started going to the gym, and then men showed up as if the connection is I am not desirable before, and now I am, and I know that you did not mean physically. I know what you that you I'm assuming. Let me just say it. This is what I think you meant. When you show up for yourself and you love yourself, it's hot, it's attractive, it's magnetizing. Like you did not say, I am so frustrated that I have to play this effing game, and I'm not 20 years old anymore, and it takes more work, but I have to do this thing that I don't want to do because I want to date that guy.

SPEAKER_00 16:44

That was not the story that was probably was my story, you know, in 2018 or 2019 that I like I have to be this thing, this younger, hot, blonde, big boob, you know, 20-something that I'm competing with. Because I did see it as a competition. And honestly, when I would find like um in in my periphery, in my circle somewhere, I would find the 40-something, 50-something, you know, partner-esque male would show up. Right. I'd be at a meetup somewhere, and this guy I'd find out that he was newly divorced or something, and I'd be thinking, oh, this is this is a potential date for me.

SPEAKER_01 17:26

Right.

SPEAKER_00 17:26

And then I would meet him the following week with his 29-year-old fiancee. Right. And I would be pissed. Right. Honestly, I thought, well, if the 50 somethings are going with the 20 somethings, then what's left for me? Do I have to go with a 70 or 80-year-old because they're all dating younger? And what I saw, which is kind of like confirmation bias. You you see that someone older is dating someone younger, and then you think, oh, that must be how it is. And then you start to find other ones, right? And so pretty soon all I could see were these old men dating young women, and no one was left for me. And and so, you know, that sort of begrudgingly, like, I better clean up my act and be young enough and pretty enough that I can compete with these 20-somethings. And it's just such a crock of bull. Yes, it is. You can say it. It's such a crock. Because, you know, when I stopped thinking about that and stopped thinking about the outcome of, oh, I have to kind of put myself out there to get a man, and I started focusing on my own journey. And I just put that, I just put that on ice for a while. I just at some point I just sort of had enough of it. And I just went, you know what? I I had a friend send me an email, and it was so funny how sometimes you just need something, you know, you just need something, and it pivoted for me. I was bitching and moaning about the life I used to have. And this is probably more than five years into being single and saying, you know, that why this is what I left in LA and this is what I left in my relationship. And gosh, it's not that way for me anymore. And I just hide regrets, you know. I I spent some time looking back. And she sent me an email and she said, you you can't look back. You you can only look forward. You know, it's you're not going to get your old life back. And if what you enjoyed in the morning was having coffee and reading the paper, then go do that now. Go find a place that you liked, you know, reading the paper and having coffee and go do that. And if you had a life where you went to the gym as a regular practice and you're not doing that now, then go to the gym. There, go to the gym. You know, and I was living in Puerto Rico and missing my LA life and my LA friends and my, you know, former marriage and the kind of the habits that we had developed as a couple. And I was complaining about these things. And she was like, look around you, you know, go on vacation where you are now. Live the life that you intend to live now. And it was a really simple email, but it I just started going to the gym. At that point, I just went, okay, let me show up for myself at the gym. And the more I continued it, I just kept it going. And then I started to see, like when I looked in the mirror, I started to like myself better. And and that took for me, it took something external to get there. And I think that path can be internal. I also started gratitude journaling, you know, I started doing a little meditation. You know, there are other things that I did. I did a life list, which is really an interesting practice, is just to sit down and list all the sort of experiences and things that you've been through. So I like, oh, I rode in a hot air balloon in Cappadocia, Turkey, you know, oh, I walked via Appia in in uh in Rome, you know, oh, I've um, you know, I learned how to bake and decorate cakes and made a cake for my my niece's wedding. I've given birth, you know, like all the things that you've been through, you know, you know, uh, maybe you survived cancer, you started a business, you sold a business. You know, we have done so much by the time we're in midlife. And what I don't think we give ourselves credit for the life we have. But if you sit down and you write down like all this stuff you've done, seen, been to, traveled, experienced, you know, you sat through a best friend when, you know, her husband died and you helped her grieve through that process. Whatever it is, there are things that you did that were unique to you, completely unique and special to you. And when you start to list them out and see the like you've lived and appreciate who you are and what you bring to the table as a human being, then I think that also helps you realize that you are desirable and you are special. So gratitude about where you are, you know, I do a daily gratitude journal. Every single morning, just one page of I'm so grateful for, you know, I'm so grateful for my cute little cat, you know, I'm so grateful to be back in California, you know. I'm so grateful to be healthy enough to go to the gym and enjoy my life that way. And then things start chilling out for you, you know. So I love your friend. I love that she. That's what I needed to hear right at the time that I needed to hear it. Right.

SPEAKER_01 22:04

I feel like I'm her for everyone listening. Yes. Like I get that we are going through hard things. I get that whatever is happening in our country, and it doesn't even matter what year or decade you listen to this podcast, it fits. Like whatever is happening. Like, oh my gosh. Yes. You know, when I listen to podcasts that were recorded in 2020, and they're like, oh my gosh, well, the state of the world, it's never been worse. And I'm like, oh, you poor thing. You thought that was bad. Hang on to your hat.

SPEAKER_00 22:45

Well, you know, and that brings up an interesting point too, is I ran for office many years ago and I used to listen to a lot of talk radio and a lot of news, you know, and I became more politically involved. And I think that can be a very altruistic and amazing thing. And if that speaks to you, do that. And if you are probably in the stock market as a day trader, you probably need to know what's going on in the world. But that being said, I personally make a very strategic and intentional uh practice of how much news I want to subject myself to. Because, you know, the whole if it bleeds, it leads. News mentality, you know, how much of that do you really need to be aware of? And I figure my son is gonna call me and tell me about anything really important, you know, if we're at war with someone or you know, you know, I might need to know a certain amount for for real estate, you know, where the interest rates are, but a lot of that stuff is going to get to you anyway. So I don't spend a lot of my energy and time and attention on news and things that I can't control. There's really not much I can do about what the president has chosen to do. So, you know, don't bury your head in the sand, but also like be intentional about what you use your time for. And I think using your, you know, your drive time, you know, or your workout time or your time that you're running or walking, you know, doing your dishes and cleaning your house time for podcasts and YouTube subscriptions to enlightening and motivating things is a much better use of you know what you're letting uh get into your brain, you know.

SPEAKER_01 24:29

Absolutely, absolutely, because like I said, like I know things are happening and like you said, we can't control them, but what we can control is our experience of what's happening, and so I am not denying that that is going on, I am denying that that has any power over me and my decisions and how I'm gonna live this day and how I'm gonna say yes to myself. So twice a week, I'm sending this cosmic email that says if you were happy reading the paper and drinking coffee, then go do that. If you were happy at the gym, go do that. Like live the life you want, and that action and that appreciation and that intention setting, and you seeing how you connected the dots, you identified what you want, and then you did the thing that you want, you start closing the gap between who you where you are now and where you want to be, and that gets that's delicious. Like that, I want more of that, and then that takes your time, and then you're living on a beautiful property and buying houses in France and all the things that you want to do, it's yes, so fun, and no one's handing this to us, right? We are setting the intention of what we desire, and I personally, I believe this is true for you as well. I'm not requiring everyone else to get their ducks in a row before I live the life I want to live.

SPEAKER_00 26:24

Right, right. And that is one of the beautiful things about being single too, is you can sort of, you know, you get to be the master of your own destiny, and you also don't have an excuse for why it didn't work out. You don't get to say, like, oh, well, my husband didn't want to go on this trip, or oh, we never were able to really save money. It's on you now, honey. You know, that's right. If you're single, you know, you you get the benefits and the rewards as well as the the downside of that, you know, like you have to take responsibility for where you're going and and the life that you've set out for yourself, and that's okay. Oh, it's thrilling. So it's a it's beautifully um liberating. Yes, yes, it is. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:01

Oh my goodness. Okay. So you have the glow-up, you're on the dates. What else is happening?

SPEAKER_00 27:10

You know, it's funny. I I had an experience of a perception that at some level I became invisible. I've heard other women talk about this. That you know, at some point, maybe in their forties, maybe in their fifties, they became invisible to men, but even there's an invisibility of just like walking into a department store and not quite being seen. And I realized that there were a couple uh components to that for me. Part of the invisibility was something that we try on and wear as young women. When we're used to getting a lot of attention from men, it's not necessarily safe. We learn that there are, you know, predatory men. And so we learn, you know, if you walk into a room and make contact with them, a man, you might be setting setting those signals that I want to have a conversation with you. I'm open to you approaching me. So we learn, especially if we're married, you know, you learn to look down, you learn to posture yourself as being not open and not available to those conversations and those approaches by strangers and by men. You know, you walk down the street with a certain, you know, invisibility cloak around you, you know, don't talk to me, don't whistle at me, don't come up to me, I'm not available for this. And you learn that at a very young age. And so when you're, you know, I I was married for almost 30 years. So when I was around other men as I would be in business, I was secretly projecting, I'm unavailable sexually. Do not approach me, do not come up to me, do not try to flirt with me. That's inappropriate for me in this state. So don't do it. So what happens is if you're doing that for years and years and years, it's really hard to unlearn it. And it's hard to even notice that you're doing it. So a couple things shifted. And one, and it sounds so frigging simple. Learning to smile and make eye contact with people, not just people of the opposite sex, but people. I was at a comedy show last week, and there was a a girl in front of me with a really cute blouse that matched her shoes, and I, you know, tapped her on the shoulder and I'm like, that is such a cute outfit. You know, you I can't believe your metallic shoes match your blouse. That's so sweet, you know? So just being able to talk to people, you know, smile at people, let people approach you. It is a learned behavior, I think, for other women. It's certainly true for me. And so take off the invisibility cloak, smile, accept the attention, be available to that, say hello, you know, be, you know, in line at Starbucks and smile at people. It's amazing how beautiful those human interactions are, but you know, I was very closed off to that for a long time. You know, and so that's one thing. And another thing is this funny story with my friend Kimmy. Kimmy called me at a job site. Like you, you know, I have a bed and breakfast, and I had a bed and breakfast I was working on in Puerto Rico. And my routine at that time was to roll out of bed, throw on some gym clothes, and go work out with a personal trainer that I had. Um, and it he had a gym in his house. So I would just go to his house. I never like put on makeup or did anything. I showed up, you know, dirty, you know, hair pulled up on top of my head, and I would do my workout. And then on my way home, before I got home to shower, I would swing by the job site and see how the crew were doing and make sure that they had all their construction materials and that they were at work, at working. And I would just, you know, check in, show them that I had eyes on the job, you know. And so I was there one morning and I would only spend like 20 minutes there at the most, just making sure everything was on point, and then I'd go home and though I might end up going back there afterwards. Kimmy calls me and she says, Hey, I I I I want to see your property. And I said, Oh, I really want to show it to you. You know, can we meet for lunch? And she said, Yeah, you know, I'm really close. I'm just down the street. And I said, Yeah, let's meet for lunch. I uh she can I can pop over. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, don't pop over right now. Cause I'm like really sweaty and disgusting. And, you know, just give me, you know, let me go home and change and do my shower and whatever. She said, okay, okay, fine. So I'm still there working with them and making a list or whatever the heck I was doing at that time. And she pulls into my driveway. And I see it's not just her, it's her and her very handsome boss, who's, you know, in his 40s, in real estate, very successful, very, you know, to me, the kind of man that I would put on my list as being, you know, someone that I would want to impress. And here I was looking about as bad as I can imagine looking. And I ran out the other side of the property to my street, got in my car, and drove away as fast as I could. Oh my gosh. And then I and then I wouldn't talk to her. I was so mad. Like, how dare you show up? And I specifically said, don't show up. But ultimately, that's not her fault. That's mine, right? Because I'm the one leaving the house looking a fright. You know, I'm the one, you know, and we've all done it. You know, you put on your sweatpants because you you don't have milk and you just need to go grab the milk or whatever. And that taught me a big lesson. Like, I don't want to be caught in public in a way that I'm not proud of how I look.

SPEAKER_01 32:33

And can you speak to, because I hear what you're saying. I want to know about the intention behind that, because I think a lot of our conditioning says we don't show up in a way looking afright because we want to be pleasing, we want to be liked, we want to, but I believe that you're I want to hear what's behind that for you.

SPEAKER_00 33:01

Yes. So what I've noticed for me is when I'm not in my most flattering outfits and my hair isn't, you know, in a way that's pleasing to me, and I don't have my makeup on and I'm all sweaty and disgusting. I don't want to talk to other people. I don't want them to notice me. I want to, you know, it's funny. I have a friend that I knew many years ago who would always have like the most immaculate hairdo and makeup and whatever. And she moved into an apartment with my chiropractor, ironically, and he said it was really funny because he'd see her and she would say hi and she'd be jovial most of the time. But every now and then he'd catch her just going down to get the paper or whatever, and she'd be like, you know, just with her, you know, hair back and no makeup on. And he she wouldn't talk to him.

unknown 33:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:44

And she wouldn't say hi. And I thought it's really interesting how when we, you know, when we put ourselves as a, hey, don't notice me, you know, right now I'm just out to get my coffee and I really didn't prepare myself and I don't want to be talked to and I don't want to be looked at, then we're creating our own shield, our own invisibility. And so my point is it's not for other people, it's because we don't want to be seen in that light. So why take a chance on getting seen in that light if it feels so icky inside of ourselves? So take the extra five minutes, brush your hair, you know, put on a little lipstick, like it's really not that much.

SPEAKER_01 34:26

Yes, the practice is similar to what the result of our conditioning was, but this has different intention behind it. So the practice is the same, but the reason is not the same.

SPEAKER_00 34:41

The intention is different, and the feeling that you have being in your best, like even if you're just going to 7-Eleven, like and you happen to run into someone, like, thank goodness I was looking my best. Why shouldn't you be showing up in your best? Right.

SPEAKER_01 34:55

Because you're worth it and because you care. It it is a shift in our mindset, like, oh, I'm doing this for me, and I might say, Oh, I don't care, or whatever, like it just is what it is, like, you know, whatever my hair appointments tomorrow, you can see my gray growing out, or whatever. But and we get to reinvestigate that line of thinking, and we get to like, wait a minute, I actually do care. Wait a minute. How much longer does it take for me to show up for me in a way that I want to present? Because we are we're creating new neuropathways in our brains. There are ruts that are caused by the way that we're thinking, and we could be up-leveling every area of our life. We're no longer available for loveless marriages, we're no longer available for a closet full of clothes that don't fit us, we're no longer available for storing all of this furniture that people keep dropping off. We don't want it. Like we've yes, we all went through. We just went through the year of the snake, like we've done we're we've shed everything that is not in service. Yes, there's still some work to do about around these narratives, around these things that we are tolerating, things that we are settling for that are not in alignment with the women we're becoming, they're not in alignment with what really is important. Yes. I want my daughter to know, like, you know, that that she has choice in how she shows up for things, and I show her that by having choice in how I show up for things and what I show up for. And if I am feeling too rushed or too busy or giving zero F's, like sometimes that that's the day, probably not the day that I want to actually be in public because and I will not turn my microphone on that day either, probably.

SPEAKER_00 37:17

But become invisible that day, and that's okay too. Like we have a chance. But what is your inner dialogue telling you as you go through the process of clean up makeup? Is your inner dialogue is I hate that I have to do this to be to be desirable to men? Screw that. Or is your inner dialogue like, isn't it great that I have tools that my grandmother didn't have? That my makeup is so much better. Isn't it great that I can do, you know, botox and I can have extensions and I can have the coolest clothes even on Shein for $7.89. I can have like a cool pair of yoga pants. These things were not available to my mother's generation or my grandmother's generation. And it's fun, it's playful. I look at men who are our age and what can they do? They can do things, okay? They can go to the gym, they can, you know, they can get a hair transplant or whatever, they can dress well, but they don't have merely the choices that we have. And it's great that we have these choices, right? It's wonderful that we can wear eyelash extensions if we so choose. Those things were not available, you know, a couple decades ago. And so it's for me, I've always liked being a girl. You know, I've always loved, you know, glitter and and you know, and and frou-frou things and lace and you know, and makeup and all of that. I think it's I think it's great fun. And, you know, I still want to play dress up, you know. So tap into what we liked as as a little girl, you know, being in fantasy. And we get to to do that now. We can be in a fantasy, you know, in our own life because we have those things available to us. So if you're just resenting it and regretting it, yeah, then that that sucks. Who wants to go through that process? But if it's like, wow, I get to play dress up and take care of myself in this way and you know, take selfies, like we couldn't do selfies, and it may be like, okay, are you full of yourself? Maybe maybe, but it's good for you.

SPEAKER_01 39:11

Good for you. Be a full of yourself, try it on, see how that fits, see you get to course correct, and you're not gonna do it wrong. Yeah, yeah. Not doing it is the only way you could not do it wrong.

SPEAKER_00 39:24

Yeah, yeah. And that's not a fun place to be. No. If you have to hide and hibernate for a bit because you've just come out of something, okay, I get it. You know, take that time, lick your wounds, figure out yourself, you know, do do the inner work. But ultimately, like if you want to have fun in the world, then get back out there and and take care of these these little things. You know, it's amazing how much just, you know, doing your hair, putting on your makeup, and putting on something flattering, and then you feel like, oh, let me walk out in into my car and let me, I don't mind if someone stops and looks at me at the red light. I don't mind if when I walk into the Starbucks to get my coffee that someone handsome is in line and I can flirt with them. And there's something very freeing about flirting with someone when you don't have to win their affection. Right? So you I got to this point where I knew that I had the attention of men and it was I I learned to have a confidence. And so then I would see someone handsome at the gym and I would just go up to him and just like because I I knew I didn't have to win his affection or approval. And then it was really fun to just be able to walk up to a guy and be like, oh my god, your biceps, like that's amazing, and then walk away. You know, no expectation of wow, I hope he asked me out. I hope this goes somewhere. Just like I can compliment you as a person. It's very freeing just to be able to like freely go up to someone and and and compliment them and make their day. Right. He's gonna be talking about that to all of his friends and you know, and feeling all happy that some woman approached him at the gym. So, like, give other people that validation too. It's a fun game to play, it's really fun.

SPEAKER_01 41:16

There's so much freedom in that, also, when, like you said, you're not trying to win the prize. You are the prize. You've already won.

SPEAKER_00 41:25

Yes. And once you realize that there's abundance out there, however that happens for you, for me, I started getting a lot of attention on Instagram because I was posting my workouts. And I did it not for the attention, I did it for accountability for the most part. I wasn't going to pay for a personal trainer. So when I started going back to the gym, I just started, you know, and I was 40 pounds heavier at that point. I just started posting my workouts and just a little, you know, 30-second blip of my workout. And I did it with the intention of if I post this workout today and then tomorrow I don't post a workout, I'm assuming that my friends who follow me on Instagram are going to see that I didn't post a workout and know that I skipped the gym.

SPEAKER_01 42:10

Right.

SPEAKER_00 42:11

Now, in reality, nobody cares. Everyone's doing their own thing and no one's really cares cares.

SPEAKER_01 42:17

Which is all that is the through line for the whole thing. Do your hair, don't do your hair, put your makeup on, don't put your makeup on, wear the cute dress, don't it's all for you. You just what you want to do for you. Nobody cares. But yes, if if thinking they care motivates you to do the thing, then they care deeply.

SPEAKER_00 42:35

Exactly. Exactly. I'm like, they're noticing people are liking this. Every now and then, you know, someone comments. So if I don't show up this way, then they're gonna know that I skipped. And so that pressure of going to the gym and making a video of my workout, just to be accountable to these people online, you know, many of whom I didn't know. And it didn't matter whether they liked me or not. But in my mind, the story I told myself is this is my accountability. And also it was great to see as the progress went along, the difference. And it was also really good when you don't have a personal trainer watching you to check your form. So it was a way to look at like I would look back at the video and go, oh my God, I was, you know, slouching or I wasn't really, you know, reclining far enough, or this this looks awkward, or even ask people like, hey, am I doing this right? You know, does this look like the right way to do it, you know, as a Romanian deadlift? And so Wow. I don't even know what that is. Those were sort of some of the reasons I would just go on YouTube and I would look up like um leg workouts or something, and you get a workout, and then you, you know, you try it out at the gym and record it with your little tripod, and then you post it online and be like, is this the right form for this? You know, and then you get some engagement that way. But anyway, so that was interesting because one of the side benefits is I started getting these. random men DMing me and showing a lot of appreciation, you know, like, you know, just hitting me up and and I was like, wait a minute, you know, uh me, you know, you're of all the women out there on Instagram, like you're having a conversation with me. And then it started to build. Like I did start to get more confidence from those external sources of being like, oh, I guess I'm attractive in this way. Like I wasn't doing it for that initially, but I found it it did do something for my ego. And that was really nice. So I would say like if if you're interested in validating yourself that way as a practice, maybe even make up a fake Instagram and put some stuff out there to get that attention. If that's what you need to prove to you that you're attractive and desirable, then you can do that as an exercise as an anonymous person and just get that feedback and live off that. Go like, okay, see, I've proved it okay good check that box and then go out in the real world and use that confidence that you built through this fake online world and translate that and transfer that into the real world. Why not? We have it available to us.

SPEAKER_01 45:18

We can do everyone gets to do whatever they want.

SPEAKER_00 45:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 45:22

You know, I mean for them obviously like don't just I'm not saying go be mean to people on Instagram because I said you could do whatever you want. You could don't be a jerk but you get to like these are great ideas. Do whoever can implement you can do whatever you want you are following a feeling of relief. You're reaching for a better feeling thought there is not one way one path to the next iteration of you but you just take the next step and if that feels good yay take another step. If it doesn't feel good then shift course correct do the thing it doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_00 46:10

Yeah and I and you know I think it's cumulative and so as you're working on improving yourself and you build on that layer and you're like okay now I feel better about you know my body okay well now maybe you know do extensions or change your hairstyle or try on uh wigs and clip-ons and different things you know then you can be like it's funny I have I have one friend who really doesn't like makeup and all that she's more of a tomboy she's athletic but not you know not into all that stuff you know you put makeup on her and she's like oh this feels so weird and then it was funny I bought like a clip on you know ponytail or something just added a lot of volume to her hair and I I put it on her and she's like oh this uh it feels awful she didn't take it off she kept it on all night and it was really funny like all of the people that were commenting on her appearance and everything and I'm like see like it's it works and you know it's 20 bucks and all of a sudden you've got all this mane of hair right and so you build on that. You're like oh you know what let me you know get my teeth bleached or let me you know do some botox or whatever. I'm not saying you have to do all those things but it's really funny how some of the stuff accumulates. And for me some of it was external you know the the gym the clothes the hair and some of it was internal you know the gratitude journaling the life list the morning practice the synchronicity journaling the identity journaling like all of those things you know listening to the podcast right listening to this podcast say yes to yourself um and listening to you know other YouTube um motivation like sometimes I'll just you know I'll get in a funk about something business went whatever and I'll just like oh let me have some Tony Robbins right now. Like let me get out of this you know let me you know let me absorb it and feel it and then let me move on and get get out of it. So um and some of that is just a practice of inner dialogue and deciding how much time and energy you're going to allow negative self-talk to take up your mind space. So when you're like, oh this guy he's really screwed me over and you know what does he think he's doing and how can he get you know I'm not gonna let him get away with this and you know and I notice when I'm having that inner dialogue perseverating about something right now it's a lot more business focused but whatever it is like eh this this guy took me out he didn't respect me and you know okay have that conversation for a minute you know but then get over it. Don't sit there and give it more time and energy like you need to was there a lesson to be learned was there something to be gained from that what would you do differently okay great now don't spend more time thinking about that because I found that there was a lot of times I would really I'd be thinking about something for you know 45 minutes, you know, playing out these different scenarios you know talking to your friends about it journaling about it. Yeah you don't need we're not here to be right I want to be happy I don't need to be right it's I don't need the validation I want to be happy yes yes and focusing on those things and spending a lot of mental energy on those things I don't think it's very productive you know so sometimes I'll just think about some awesome experience or some awesome guy that I met and I'll just be like let's pivot off that and let's think about this other thing. Let me just focus on that for a while, you know whatever like my cat, you know my silly cat, you know, and how he plays around and you know chases his tail or whatever. Like I'll think about that, you know, but you have to notice that you're doing it. Let's pivot off and do something else. But I think all of those things are available to us and a cumulative you know as we're going through reinventing ourselves.

SPEAKER_01 50:04

Right. And it takes practice mastery comes from repetition. We were talking a little bit before we hit record about just how much intention is around our word choice. And when you're in this process of re of creating a new narrative it took a long time to have a conversation with me because I'd be halfway through a sentence and be like oh wait a minute I actually don't believe that okay I know I don't want what is it that I do want I want this I want that okay here we go all right now back with you let me go yes it just it takes time but I'm holding space for myself because it's important. I'm important to me.

SPEAKER_00 50:51

Beautiful well said well said yeah and it and thank goodness we have the things available to us in the podcast and in YouTube and in the books that are available now that if we want to get on the right track, we can. It's available. But sometimes we're not ready. You know there is a grieving period if we've been in a relationship if you're suddenly you know widowed or suddenly divorced and you weren't expecting that then you know there's a grieving period but then okay now it's time to to make the right word choices you know and how much time we're gonna spend complaining. And if you think all men are dicks or assholes or whatever, you're not gonna get one you know that's not the energy putting out there that's going to manifest itself in a beautiful relationship for you. Right. But also if you tell yourself that all men are dating young women if that's the story you're telling yourself then you're not going to manifest any sort of relationship. And one thing I realized you know after like I said my glow up or getting my my head right with abundance was that there is a beautiful beautiful sexy power in being a MILF or a cougar and that so many men who are younger are looking at you know getting a mature woman as being like a real sign of masculinity and sexual prowess and and it's so beautiful because as I've talked to these different men that I've dated and and and met there's like the oh I always wanted to meet you know a sexy older woman you know and and there's like this pride that they have from like oh okay and when I realized that they see it not as oh I couldn't get the 25 year old you know they see it as wow I got a you know I got a hot says deal like that's something right that's like bragging rights and it's and it's funny it reframed it for me when I realized that oh my God like I show I'm gonna got on these dating sites and I get thousands and thousands of likes. I mean I I'm on Tinder and I remember when it hit 9,999 likes you know oh my gosh that's awesome. Yeah and just going oh my god like there is so much abundance there is so much abundance what story was I telling myself from 2018 2019 2020 2021 2022 20 you know I was telling myself a different story because all these people were out there right and I was out there but it was just reframing things in abundance the funny thing is I discovered there was one guy that I got together with that he'd actually really liked me for a long time and he liked me in my more robust state shall we say and he actually liked me better. I mean we talked a bit and it was like I kind of you know I kind of liked you when you were a little more you know I I forget the word he used it wasn't insulting but I just thought wow I was so unavailable for that at that time because I saw myself I saw myself as being unattractive and overweight and I didn't feel good in my own skin you know and if you don't feel good in your own skin people perceive that for sure so figuring out how to feel good in the body that you have I'm so like unashamed and happy with the body I have right now and don't apologize I see women all the time doing this they're on this apology tour you know and I and I have been too so I I I'm I'm certainly guilty of that but I do try to catch myself if especially if I'm with you know a new man and I'm not gonna sit there and apologize for having you know pregnancy stretch marks you know or something sagging or not you know no like they're not thinking it why do you want to put their attention on it? Why do you want to sit there and go, oh I'm sorry that I, you know, I'm not you know my stomach isn't as ripped as you know it once was or whatever. Why do you want to go there? You know don't apologize. A man has chosen to be with you and if he's with you and you put his attention on something negative about yourself, you're telling him that his choice to be with you was the wrong choice. Right? So why why do that to him? You're invalidating his own choice about being with you in that moment. So if he's chosen to be with you in that moment and you're choosing to be with him in that moment, then you are everything he wants and just assume that.

SPEAKER_01 55:40

Right. And just be there. Just be in the moment.

SPEAKER_00 55:44

Be in the moment and be okay with your body as it is in its current iteration and be happy with it that you're desirable right now to another person who wants to be there with you or he wouldn't be there. So own it be happy with it be brave with it and and just enjoy you know enjoy the the freedom and the liberation of being a woman in midlife you know you're here you earned it not everybody gets to be here not everybody makes it you know to this age and I I heard a woman say one time why are you afraid of getting old isn't that the point yeah totally the point isn't that the point some people didn't get this far you know they got cancer or they got into a car accident or whatever they didn't get to be in their 50s they didn't get to be in their 60s. So you know let's let's be happy that we've we've done the right things and made the right choices and had the luck that got us here you know absolutely oh my gosh okay I could talk to you all day long.

SPEAKER_01 56:48

This was so fun Catherine please tell everyone where they can find and follow you and work with you and all the good things.

SPEAKER_00 56:56

Absolutely because I'm so excited that I've launched my coaching program to help midlife women re-identify who they are in their second half and sending that through beautiful glow ups and and sexuality and gratitude and all the good yummy stuff. So first I just want to say I've just sent you a calendarly link and I am offering a free 30 minute one-on-one consultation with me about your glow up your midlife glow up and so book me up I'm so excited to be talking to all of your listeners so book me up that will be I hope in the show notes I just sent it up absolutely yeah and of course you can follow me on Instagram at Catherine Unleashed that's K-A-T-H-R-Y-N unleashed I do interact with people if you send me a message there but what I'd really like to do is have a one-on-one one-on-one call with you so book me up that's so generous of you and yes we will absolutely link everything down in the show notes thank you so much Catherine this was really fun I had so much fun with you Wendy and I can't wait to hear all the rest of episodes of this year now that I am a great listener of this amazing podcast that you're doing thank you for putting it out there.

SPEAKER_01 58:04

You're so generous thank you. I hope you enjoyed that conversation as much as I did. As always any links or notes mentioned can be found at PhineasRighthouse.com in the podcast section of our site or in the show notes below. And if you haven't connected with me personally, come find me on Instagram at PhineasRighthouse and let me know you listened to this episode. I'd love to get to know you. Thank you for sharing this time with me. I know your days are full and I'm really grateful that you chose to spend some of your precious time right here. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss any of these delightful conversations. I'll see you next week I've been a little bit