120: Support: It takes a village to raise a child... as long they do it my way.

So many of us bemoan the loss of a village, but do we really know what we mean by that?  

Being in a village or community requires us to give as well as take; often not on our own terms. It also means that we have to brush shoulders with people who might have radically different viewpoints from us on things like politics or religion. 

Many of us have got used to our busy, overscheduled lives, and don't have time to offer what's needed to create community, whilst complaining about its absence.

When we think about community it's easy to desire the positives, whilst forgetting that a lot of selfless contribution goes on behind the scenes in order for it to function.
 

Chapters

• 0:20 Discussion of the need for a "village" to raise a child and the challenges of integrating into a community
• 2:00 Exploration of the push-pull dynamics in relationships, particularly between parents and teenagers
• 4:30 Explanation of the HALT concept and a personal anecdote about applying it
• 7:00 Defining community and the traditional vs. modern perspectives on it Challenges of creating and maintaining community in a busy, individualistic society
• 11:00 Difficulties of creating and maintaining community in a society that values individualism Susie Asli's experience with a supportive WhatsApp neighbor group Raising the number of touch points in the community and the benefits of being polite and friendly
• 15:00 Challenges of exclusive ownership over children and the fear of judgment that prevents parents from seeking support Rachel Richards' experience of posting a story on different platforms and the varying
• 18:00 The role of women in creating and maintaining community The decline of religious institutions as a source of community The importance of shared values and flexibility in creating a supportive community
• 20:00 The role of infrastructure and support in fostering community Changing forms of community, such as gym memberships and online groups
• 24:30 The impact of social media on community and the importance of shared values The insecurity and fear of judgment that many parents feel, leading them to avoid reaching out The need for explicit communication about social expectations and their impact on

Transcript

Rachel Richards: 0:02

Hello and welcome to teenagers. Untangled the audio hug for parents going through the teenage years. I'm Rachel Richards, journalist, parenting coach, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters.

Susie Asli: 0:14

Hi there. I'm Susie Asli, mindfulness coach, mindful therapist and musician and mother of three teenagers, two of them are twins.

Rachel Richards: 0:21

Now there isn't really any logic to the way this podcast unfolds. It tends to be what I'm obsessed with at any moment in time, right? But hopefully, as a parent of teens, the topics we cover resonate with you, because I think raising teens becomes far more than the nitty gritty of child rearing, isn't it? It's like it's about society, it's about the people we want to be in the people we want our kids to be. So with that in mind, today, we're exploring a theme that's deeply rooted in human existence community. And I've been rattling on about it for a while, haven't I? You have Yes, yes, sort of realizing that that's something that's missing. But then, but then the question is,

Susie Asli: 0:56

do we want a village? Yeah. And how? Yeah. How

Rachel Richards: 0:59

do we want to be? And people always say, you know, it takes a village to raise a child, does it? Does it, though?

Susie Asli: 1:04

Well, the point is that takes more than the nuclear family, isn't it?

Rachel Richards: 1:09

Yeah, correct. And I think one of the things that we've always used traditionally to plug into a community was having children, wasn't it, because it would raise the number of touch points with people in in the surroundings. And so, you know, I've got friends who are in a gay marriage, and they moved to the countryside, much harder for them to integrate, because, like, how do you meet people? Yes, you have to go and chat them in the village shop.

Susie Asli: 1:35

And, yes, yeah, I moved with three children and easy access to people.

Rachel Richards: 1:40

Suddenly plugged in, yes. And I was talking to a friend recently about creating groups who could discuss topics and support each other, a bit like a book club, but with parenting at its center. And she curled her lips, saying, I don't want to be in a group with these people. And she showed me a text message that she received from one of the mums, which was hard to read and quite she got very upset, and she just said, I just like, why would I want to spend time with these people? So that's the difficulty. So we'll talk about, talking about picking what your village looks like exactly. But then that's the problem, because you want to pick it, don't we? Anyway, so let's start with a nugget before we carry on. Do you have a nugget?

Susie Asli: 2:20

I do. It's this idea. So when I'm working as a therapist with with people in relationships, which all of us are at some, some point, some kinds of relationships, there's this idea of push pull. So when we have a dynamic between two people, you know, if one person is pushing, then the other one is sort of pulling away, because there has to be balance in it, and the other way around. So for example, if, as a parent, if it happens, often happens with teenagers, I think maybe We've even talked about it before, this idea that you know, if you're really on your kids, because you really want contact. You really want connect, connect, connect. And the kids like, whoa, give me some space. That's like, that's a push pull thing. And, and I just noticed that I was falling into that a little bit. And it's really easy to do when we when stuff comes up, and maybe we're worrying about particular things, and we get into a sort of a mindset of, oh, I need to, I need to be on this. I need to be on this. And suddenly it gets a little bit out of balance. So I noticed I was doing the pushing and and not maybe receiving the connection that I thought I deserved. Or No, actually, more to the point I was wearing myself out. Yeah, it was more like that way around, actually. And I noticed it, and I stopped, and I kind of centered myself a bit more and found out, okay, what, what, where am I in this I'm not at the whim of everybody else, what, where am I? And it just brought more balance in. Immediately you ripple out something completely different. And and then, then, then the balance is restored. I love

Rachel Richards: 4:04

that, and I think it's really common when our kids go through that transition stage, when they've got into puberty and they start pulling away because they're exploring elsewhere, and we panic. I think, oh, you know what's happened to my relationship. We move in, yeah, and they pull away more because they feel the oppression, yeah? And it's just being able to cope with our own emotions, yeah. I mean, for me, it wasn't

Susie Asli: 4:27

so much that. It was more sort of trying to sort out particular things and worrying about things that were coming up and worrying too much and trying to fix in advance. That was, I was, I was kind of pushing there, and I got told to back off, and

Rachel Richards: 4:42

that's because you've got a good relationship. Yeah, they know now, but it's okay to say that, yeah, totally. And I

Unknown: 4:47

oh god, yeah, yeah.

Rachel Richards: 4:51

My nugget is about I interviewed the lady from grit. I think her name is Louise, who used this amazing acronym, which is Holt eight. Alt, and it's you don't say anything if you're hungry, angry, late or tired, that's brilliant. Love it. And I had an instance recently where I was almost all of those things, and I got in the car with my daughter having seen that, rather than just quickly fold her clothes, she literally bore them up and stuff them in a bag. And it just upset me for all sorts of reasons. There were lots of other stuff going on in our relationship, and I tried not to say anything, tried not to say anything, and eventually I did, and and then I called her lazy, and then we just sat in silence as I was driving. Luckily, it was a long enough car drive and where eventually I said, Actually, I'm really sorry. I don't, yeah, I don't think of you that way, because, actually, I can see in these ways, you're not lazy at all. Yeah. And we had an amazing conversation off the back of it, and and I realized when, because then I said, so when you did that, what were you thinking? And if you just hear what were you thinking, it would be, it would sound offensive. But actually, I said to when that happened, what were you thinking? She said, I was just thinking, just thinking, it's easy. And I said, So, but is it easy? Is it easier to do it that way rather than take the extra few seconds just to fold them nicely so that when you put them on, they're not crumpled? And she said, Well, my friends don't care if my clothes are crumpled. And it opened up an entire avenue of conversation, which then made me understand something that's also an addendum to this, which is, I don't actually think that natural consequences are effective and kind and work with some children, and that's because some kids do not pick up on signals from people around them. They don't learn that way, and when they do, it's painful, and I do think that some kids need things to be explained explicitly, because it had never occurred to her that if she walked around in highly crumpled clothes that were dirty, other people might make decisions about her that were unkind and she didn't know interesting.

Susie Asli: 6:56

That's interesting. I think they, I think they, they. I think sometimes if we, if we have an agenda in there. So for her, the natural consequence wasn't a wasn't a thing, but maybe it was without her knowing. Maybe that's, maybe that's but

Rachel Richards: 7:11

my point is, for example, it's like manners. If you, if you don't explain to your kids that this is how things work, you can rely on natural consequences for them to learn. Yeah. Or you could say this is the way people might view you, yes, and you know, if they don't, then care. Well, that's that's a different thing. But actually being able to be explicit about things that might impact them without them even know, because people won't tell them

Susie Asli: 7:34

no. And social constructs maybe they need that needs more, doesn't it? Natural concepts work if you're late and you miss the bus and then you you're not late the next time, hopefully, although that doesn't always,

Rachel Richards: 7:44

doesn't always, but that's also Yeah, yeah. But so David Jaeger talked about it in 10 to 25 where it should be high expectations and high support. So if they're struggling to meet those expectations, don't think they're lazy. Just think, oh, okay, they need a bit more support understanding how to put new things in place, as long as they understand that it's it's it matters, and if they think it doesn't matter, then that's a different discussion, isn't it? Yeah. Anyway, you have a quick review,

Susie Asli: 8:09

then I do. I do. It's a very short one from YouTube, which is very cool. Your topics are always relevant and or relatable. I'm so grateful for your podcast. Thank you so much. Yes,

Rachel Richards: 8:19

and I'm sorry YouTube watchers, because there's nothing to watch. Mostly on there, I put up the odd video, but it's mostly just our podcast linked to YouTube. So eventually, one day, anyway, back to community. Now, traditionally, it's been defined as a group of people living in the same place or having a common characteristic. And I'm not going to try and distinguish between village and community. Let's just talk about the whole thing. But I think it's more than that, isn't it? It's kind of connection, shared purpose, mutual support. Yeah, when you think about it in your head, yes, support,

Susie Asli: 8:50

the mutual support. There are, you know, the I remember coming to this country, and I had three children. Single mother just got been through a horrible divorce, and I had my parents living in the in the in the same town, which is why we moved back here. So therefore, village. But the idea that, you know, I had, were they two, three year old twins, and a, what was he six year old? And, you know, doing everything on on my own. So it's for me, it's also the, you know, the responsibility, it's the, I just need to go and buy a bottle of flipping milk, and we all have to bundle into the car. Can, you know, can the neighbor, can we share dinners? Can we do, can we do things that's, that's the village element, whereas, you know, in our very romanticized view of what life used to look like, which I'm sure wasn't the case, tool, but there are some elements that I'm sure you just, you know they'd be running in the street, and you just, you just help each other out. That's gone

Rachel Richards: 9:47

well. I read one thing where this woman had said, if you're wondering how your grandma managed to have nine kids and they weren't falling apart when you've only got, say two. She said, just remember. But your grandma never had to strap the kids into the car, in car seats, because we didn't have those. We didn't have seat belts with the she didn't have. She probably has other people around. Weren't judging them in that way. Hold

Susie Asli: 10:11

my baby. I'm just going to do this. Okay, now, we can't I'm busy. I've got a meeting. I can't do that. No, you'll have to book me in it. I can hold your baby at 1145 50, but only for 10 minutes. It's completely different. When we were thinking of moving or trying to move from from Denmark, actually, I looked at alternatives because I wasn't sure whether that was going to happen. And there are places where you can live in community, and I looked at them for that very reason, because you're helping each other out. You're, you know, taking it in turns to cook dinner, but you still have your own independent space. So it's not like you're in a sort of a communal space all the time, but for that very reason, the responsibility and the freedom to just kind of be with other people on a on a spontaneous it can be very lonely. It's very lonely, and it's a lot of lot to do on your own. Yeah,

Rachel Richards: 11:05

I agree. And you know, when you talk about social identity, and we've come together for protection and support, identity and belonging, and it's critical for our survival, you watch teenagers trying to form groups, and it's, it's a survival thing as well as an identity thing. And what's interesting when you look at social identity, sort of theories, being in an in group can enhance feelings of pride, self esteem and belonging less. But once you categorize yourself in a group, then you start to identify what the other groups are. And we need to think of ourselves as as as good, if not better, than the other groups, in order to feel good about ourselves, because we're still tribal, because we're still tribal, right? And and we see this in the playground all the time. So you know, when you create a group, you're creating, you're almost creating a wall that says, right? This is what this is, and it defines it. And then outside that is different, whereas a village or community is different because it's a kind of muddle of people who have a reason to be together. Maybe, you know, maybe you do have shared values, but it's not as tightly held, is

Susie Asli: 12:10

it social responsibility rather than, rather than location based? Maybe, I don't know, yeah.

Rachel Richards: 12:15

Well, I mean, let's explore it. So there was a great tweet by cartoons hate her, which looked into this detail, and I loved it. So, you know, you could, you can read it on her, I think it's a sub stack. But she points out the people who bemoan the loss of a village don't actually want one, because it would require them to interact with other people and by other people. She maintains those other people outside what we've just outlined, right? Because you can't So, so let's say you in a village, it requires you to accept other people, and those people might be your aunt who voted for Trump, or the mother in law who calls your two year old son a ladies man, or your father in law who has the TV on all the time, or your aunt who speaks in FLUENT tabloid journalism, right? These people, when you actually meet the different people in your community or your village, you may, you may really not like their viewpoints. Yeah, absolutely,

Susie Asli: 13:14

absolutely. And therefore, you know, then it's a great lesson intolerance, isn't it? But we, we not used to having to wade through that. We just would rather go. I would come be bothered. And it also requires that we, that we commit and we we take part, and we do it, and we're all so busy, and we're all very important, and we are busier. I'm busier than everybody else, yes, and my time is way more valuable. So I used to, and it was, it was real, because I think basically what we want, or maybe I'm just speaking for myself anyway, but you know, we want help, don't we? We want to share the responsibility we want. We want some connection that will, that will be supportive and helpful to us, and that's really beautiful. But we want to do it between the hours in our time, two to four on a Saturday afternoon, because in the morning, so somebody's got football, and I can't do it then and that. So our time is much more limited. We're much more we're much less spontaneous. So it really has to fit our agenda, yes, and then we sort of decide that, well actually it's maybe it's not worth my time, because if I've got less time, then maybe I just need to do nothing in that space. And if I've got to also cook or or offer my services in some way, oh, I don't think I can be bothered. Yeah. I mean, I put my hand up completely for that. Slightly embarrassing, absolutely

Rachel Richards: 14:33

no. But this is very much the that, and when I've looked at research into the way society has evolved. We are the most individualistic society that's ever existed, and it's this desire to to have a life that's shaped the way we want to shape it. But also we actually want free childcare. Would you mind looking I can help? Yes, when we want connection,

Susie Asli: 14:58

we long for. Connection. We need it with social beings. We love it. But can we do it tomorrow? Because today I'm busy, yes, and also the idea that, and I, I think I used to hide behind, you know, single mother of three small children, and it was valid, and I have self compassion for that, that, you know, maybe somebody with two parents and one child, or two children, could bring the brownies, or do the do the extra bit, because actually, I had more than enough to be doing on my own, and that was real. But I think I also used it sometimes as they're like, Wow, I don't have to do that, because that's a bit of a pain. I just want the village. I really want the village, but don't always want to put and

Rachel Richards: 15:39

to make me feel welcome and loved when I need it, yeah, but only when I need it. But

Susie Asli: 15:43

it's reciprocity. It has to be reciprocity. And so it ends up with, you know, the people who love organizing and maybe slightly controlling or not, but they just have bigger heart than I do. Maybe they do more than they've more than their fair share,

Rachel Richards: 15:56

yes, and I've witnessed good community operations. So a friend of mine is amazing at this and she checks in on all the people around her. And when I came to this area, I found that people were running play groups where it took one person to set the whole thing up. But the way they set it up meant that there were always mums who would turn up and say, okay, my kids out there playing, but I'm in the kitchen doing this work, and other moms would watch the kid so that that, so that could happen. And but I think it takes thought, organization, and someone behind the scenes who's prepared to do the X

Susie Asli: 16:30

Yes, and that certificate the ball rolling, yes, and then, and everyone's looking

Rachel Richards: 16:35

at everyone asking, So who's it going to be? Yeah,

Susie Asli: 16:37

we really want this. We really like we desperately want it. We need it, but can someone else do it? Yeah, and

Rachel Richards: 16:43

actually, one of the reasons I jumped at setting up this podcast was because before that, I kept thinking, I need to give back. I need to help the community. And I'd started working in a toddler group, helping them. I would cook for them, and I would turn up, and while I was there, I'd open up and collect all get all the stuff out and then put it away. And I just thought, I am dying of boredom here. I actually don't care, okay? And I've realized that's just not my that's not my wheelhouse and and actually, I suppose, in a way, one of the things that it we could be doing more of is saying, What can I contribute? How can I can I look for lots of things that might suit me. In the same way that in a house, when we're in a team, I say to I don't say to my kids, you've got to do this, this and this. I say, here are the things that need to be done. Which ones are you going to do? But again, it takes somebody who will end up saying, this needs to be done. Yes, and there's a feminist who operates on threads. I forget her name. I'd love to have her on the program, but she talks about teaching people to notice. We need to notice things need to be done. So we need to be conscious that there needs to be a community for us to actually want to make it work.

Susie Asli: 17:52

Yeah, and it's inspiring, isn't it, if somebody like, we have an amazing WhatsApp neighbor group, it kind of came into being, really, during COVID. It was it was, it existed, but it was more like, Oh, I've got a letter delivered to the right address, kind of, kind of group, whereas in COVID, it became very supportive and was really helpful, and it still exists. And so we had a random power cut the other night, and it, first of all, we were being told it was, you know, it would be out all evening until the early hours of the morning. And then people were putting on the WhatsApp, oh, we need to check in on, you know, the elderly people on the road, is everyone, okay? And not, not all of them are on WhatsApp. Who's gonna do it? Yeah, people were going, Oh, I'll go and say, I'll go and see number 19. I'll go and do that. And that was, like, it was really beautiful, but it's really inspiring, because you think, Oh, well, that then just becomes a norm. So next time, it will be a norm. Yes, to do that. And

Rachel Richards: 18:40

I think that's how we can do some of this. So I've learned to when I walk around, I'm trying to raise the amount of touch points I have by just talking to anybody and real and actually, I've read that when you're polite and lovely to people, that actually makes you feel better. So why not? Absolutely no downside to that. The only problem is the per the person who will then chew your ear off. And you're thinking, Yeah,

Susie Asli: 19:02

I want to do that. Yeah. We can be bound in it, yes. And maybe, you know, run away potentially, yeah.

Rachel Richards: 19:10

And I think also an interesting thing that's happened is this element of exclusive ownership over our children, and we have an idea, because societies change rapidly, so what our parents consider to be acceptable. Parenting is very different from what is now the case. And so there's this element of, well, I can't hand my child over because, well, what if they parent wrong, yeah,

Susie Asli: 19:30

or we feel really guilty for it. Like, Oh, do you mind? Are you? Is it okay? I will only be like, 20 minutes. You sure? Thank you so much. You buy them a bottle of wine and you, whereas in the old days were like, Oh, my kids over at yours, I'll see you in an hour. Yes or not even say

Rachel Richards: 19:43

it Yeah, but it would be reciprocated, because I have had people say I get really upset because this kid's around my house every night, night after night after night. Parents have never contacted me and said, Do you want me to host you want? And I said, Well, maybe they feel like you're just such a good host. Feel. Awkward about offering, but if you'd like them to offer, maybe have a conversation with them, and they may not realize. Because a lot of people, I think it's just they don't even notice these things. No, they don't realize. And I also think it's made it harder now with social media and online world. And the reason I say that is because, if you will have ideas on your own family and your own house, about what's acceptable in terms of accessing online they go to someone else's house and they might be playing Grand Theft Auto at 13, yeah, that's true. It's made it much harder, don't you think, because parents are much more like, well, you know, Okay, you go around to their house and you sort of have to accept their rules. But those are, those are really quite big. Yeah,

Susie Asli: 20:41

no, that's really true when the kids were a bit younger, early teens. It's that's hard to manage, because they're not just playing football in the field anymore. No, no, it's different.

Rachel Richards: 20:50

And I think what's really interesting is I ran an experiment where, you know, the nugget I've just mentioned about my daughter and just stupidly me saying, Oh, you're late, you know, lashing out because I was tired all those things, fault and and then apologizing. And in my point, and I decided to make a kind of story about it, and I posted it on two platforms reaching out to people to try and create more of a sort of like talk about these things. One was threads, which is a newer platform that's supposed to be really nice. And one was mum's net, and I've seen people be really harsh and judgmental on mums net. So I kind of expected on mums net, people would be really horrible to me. Not on the reds, they'd be really friendly and and what was really interesting was, on mums net, they were super lovely. They read the entire thing, and they made some lovely comments, and then they were vulnerable. And you sort of thought, Gosh, we've got a thing going here. It's really lovely, because really, what we're trying to say is that the whole point was we can apologize, and that's the most important part of this, because we're human, and new things happen, and that my kids benefit from seeing me make mistakes absolutely right, on threads, very different. Oh, really. And what what happened was really unpleasant, because I had the majority of people making snap judgments, like, literally, the oh, just ridiculous. Let it go. You know? Why? Why would you say anything like that? This was stupid, and all sorts of things wasting their time kind of thing. No, no, no, just I'm a bad parent for lashing out, and I shouldn't be worried about that, because not a problem. And why did I even think that was something to talk about, which fair enough. But what had happened was they clearly hadn't read the whole thing. They just went, Oh, I've got the answer. And it made me realize what it feels like as a teenager when we think we've listened, but we haven't listened, and then we just snap. We go, well, obviously it's this, yeah. And you think, Wait, you didn't actually read any of that. You just read the first couple of lines and went, Oh, well, I know the answer, yeah. And then I had some parents saying, Well, you need therapy. Oh, wow. And, well, you can imagine, yeah, I said. And I just said, Actually, no, I think you've missed the point of the thread. It's actually that we can make these mistakes because we're humans, and then we can solve it by being honest with our kids and apologizing. Yeah. And she brought out the with all due respect to her response, which always means that they don't have any respect at all. Yeah, exactly. And I just thought, gosh, that's really interesting, that this person felt that they definitely had to judge me, and they definitely had to make a decision about and I and so I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's really interesting. I think a huge number of parents, and I really mean that do not try and reach out or talk to people because of the fear of judgment, yeah, and this behavior. Yeah,

Susie Asli: 23:30

we're the most insecure generation parenting. We have so much information and so many opinions and so much, so much that is helpful, but we're so, like, I'm massively generalizing here, but we're so insecure, we worry that. And because it's like we've talked about before, it's such a big deal for us, not all of us, but, you know, for a lot of us, parenting. Are we doing it right? Am I good enough? Am I doing this right? Am I going to ruin their whole lives? So it's, there's way more at stake. It's,

Rachel Richards: 23:55

and I just think people need to step away from the perfection stick. You don't, you know, this is the sort of, either you've got to have an answer, because we do this with our kids, got to have an answer, or you're broken Yes, but No, you're just a human being. This stuff happens. It's fine.

Susie Asli: 24:11

Look at it on the way. And

Rachel Richards: 24:15

also, what's interesting about the whole village thing is we've touched on this is the kind of I was in a village as a teenager, it was deeply unpleasant. Okay, very small number of people in the community. Lots of No, we didn't reach out for lots of reasons. So I didn't have a connection with people, but I there was a lot of talk, and it took a day they held back on people being part of the community for a very long time, because you weren't quite right for fitting? Yes, lots of that sort of and I remember as a teenager, dropping to my hands and knees and crawling under the window if someone came to the door, because I just felt so that's not good, anxious about it. Yes. And I think what people I read a really fantastic thing where there was a thread about community and people missing. Community, and this person wrote, I take a risk and presume. None of the parents who bemoan the loss of a village ever lived in an actual village. My parents, entire families, moved from villages into the big city when their country industrialized, not once did I in my childhood ever hear them speak sentimentally about village life?

Susie Asli: 25:18

Interesting, yes. But then statistically, we're more lonely in a big city where there are more people, aren't we? Yes, yes.

Rachel Richards: 25:24

And he points out, you know, they were stuck with the monotony of the same people, the random people, the crazy, the evil, the silly, the stupid, you know, you sort of end up that's a that's a radio program that's very popular. It's the longest running. So, yeah, opera in England. So, and then there's that community policing, this judgment, the next

Susie Asli: 25:47

can be, can be beautiful. It depends on the village, doesn't. It depends on how you are. It takes one bad actor, yeah. But you can also, you know, push back, yeah. We can be how we want to be, wherever we are, but it's can be more challenging in some

Rachel Richards: 25:59

places. And, and one other thing that I thought about is, I think one of the things about loss of community, well, there are two. One is the reduction in, particularly in the UK, in religion, and religious houses used to provide the community. And there would be a leader who would say, this is how we're going to behave amongst each other. This is what's expected. Yeah, not that people necessarily liked it, but, and I used to be, I used to go to the Methodist Church. I've been to Pentecostal church. I've been to Catholic church. I was always interested,

Susie Asli: 26:32

yeah, social events. They're also come through the through exactly the religious

Rachel Richards: 26:35

and this is where you have a leader whose job it is to organize people and create events. And they have people who sort of like their the minions, who also organize things, and it's all under a good cause. And I think there's some really wonderful things, yeah, and

Susie Asli: 26:48

traditionally, looking out for the needy in that village, which is really beautiful, that nobody gets, you know, forced the net, yes.

Rachel Richards: 26:55

And I think that's one of the wonderful things about Christianity that somehow hasn't bled through to some of the things we do. Because I always thought you don't need Christianity to be Christian behaving. But then we need the structure. We need the structure when we need the values that we hand on, we need to be able to explain these are our values, and this is what's important. But the other thing that I thought is the people who tend to create community are women. And I don't want to be I don't want to be sexist about this, because there are men who create some communal things, but an awful lot of what gets done, so even Christmas, Easter celebrations, most of it's done by women. And when women step away from that, for various reasons, a lot of it just sort of dissipates. And I'm just interested in that, and I don't again, I'd love to know what people think. To what extent is that okay? It would be interesting to hear, do you have men in your community who stepped in, who are making communal things happen? Because I know there will be. Yeah, there are much of that is happening, and how much of it has been that women have gone, you know, I'm

Susie Asli: 27:56

busy, yeah, interesting, isn't it interesting? As I'm thinking of things that I know, I think some of them, the more commercial ones, maybe that's more mixed. But if it's just for to if it's no money, you know, there's no, yeah,

Rachel Richards: 28:07

yeah, no money involved, it's just about doing things for other people, yeah,

Susie Asli: 28:11

or doing it, you know, it's often a win, win, isn't it? You know, we're doing it for ourselves as well, and it's, it's beautiful thing to do, yes, yeah, interesting. Isn't

Rachel Richards: 28:18

that interesting? I don't know. I'm just throwing stuff in the box. Let us know where it was, like, where you are. Please let us know. And I do think that one of the other things people have talked a lot about is, is how infrastructure that supports these communities and the villages has fallen away through government lack of funding and people not staring at it and going, we need this. So we've had a reduction in youth centers across the whole of the UK, and that's one of the key times when people need community. But just generally, there are there. Mostly it's the the sort of church halls that are available. There are communal halls, village halls, which can be hired. But I just wonder how much, yeah, communities

Susie Asli: 28:58

change, doesn't it? So lots of people go to the gym, they would say that's their community. Very good point. Yes, you know, yeah, things always change. There's some things stop. So other than other things begin, yeah, but it's what does that look like? Yeah, I'm thinking the gym and

Rachel Richards: 29:11

the online communities. You know you because the thing about the online community, the reason I looking back at the threads, thing was there's no community. Nobody has agreed ideas about they don't know me. So somehow a community needs to be sort of, well, they kind of know how you think, yeah, and then they can give you grace, because they're like, Oh, I know that. She doesn't mean well. They're ill, that she's actually trying her best. And I think community is about having shared values and having an idea that people are trying to do their best, yeah,

Susie Asli: 29:40

with a degree of flexibility and openness for for difference, isn't it like, going back to your idea of there are lots of oddballs in the village to be one of them, probably not. Yeah, it's a kind of yearning. It's a it's a thing we need. We need to connect. But how do we do it? And how. Do we do in this society? We're so busy,

Rachel Richards: 30:02

so busy. Good.

Susie Asli: 30:03

I'm so busy, so important. I

Rachel Richards: 30:04

mean, the fact that you even come over here is extraordinary.

Susie Asli: 30:07

You're so lucky.

Rachel Richards: 30:09

She spares this time to just come over and chat, we sort out our life. That's amazing. I think that's pretty much it. I'd love, love, love to hear any thoughts about this, also

Susie Asli: 30:19

from different countries, like, is it different in different places? That would be super interesting,

Rachel Richards: 30:24

actually. Yeah, don't, don't just, you know, raise your fists and go, No, but you don't understand. Tell

Susie Asli: 30:28

me, yeah, yeah. Tell us. Tell us what? What

Rachel Richards: 30:30

we don't understand exactly, right? That's it. I The best way you can help this podcast is by sharing it with someone else or giving us a review. Just go on to whatever platform you're on and just give us even a little short reviews. Great. You don't have to write an entire essay, but essays are great as well. And and give us questions things that trouble you. Susie is quite active on LinkedIn, aren't you? That's a really good place to find you. Yeah, you

Susie Asli: 30:56

can know you can find all my links on my websites to go, which is www, dot, amindful. Hyphen life.co.uk. Yes, and desperately needs updating. Actually, does

Rachel Richards: 31:08

it? What have you been doing with yourself? Well, you know, you're building a community. Can I change

Susie Asli: 31:12

and then I haven't updated it, so I will.

Rachel Richards: 31:16

It's these, you know, when you're juggling so many different things, like my newsletter that hasn't been happening, or when you know you sort of trying to figure out what how you should be working. Yeah. And

Susie Asli: 31:25

some things are easy for us, aren't they? And easy, and things like doing my website, I don't find easy. So anyone out there in the village,

Rachel Richards: 31:34

absolutely she's, she's, she's, she's interested in your thoughts about her website. If you can do it, don't just tell her if you can fix it for her. Yeah. I

Susie Asli: 31:40

mean, don't go and look at it now, though, because it's all that it's all out of date, whatever. Yeah, do go look at it now.

Rachel Richards: 31:47

So it's www,

Susie Asli: 31:49

dot, amindful hyphen life.co.uk,

Rachel Richards: 31:52

and I'm www.teenagersuntangled.com, and the email address is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com I think that's

Susie Asli: 32:03

it. Bye, bye for now. Bye, bye for now. You