Parenting teens for connection not perfection

So many parents of teens quietly worry that they’re “failing” — not doing enough, not staying calm enough, not getting the outcomes they hoped for. 

This episode is an invitation to step off that perfectionist treadmill. Instead of parenting for perfect grades, perfect behavior, or perfect choices, we explore how to parent for connection: building daily rituals of togetherness, modeling honest self-care, and using compassionate self-talk so your teen can develop a kinder inner voice too. 

You’ll hear practical ways to show your child they’re loved for who they are, not what they achieve, and how that shift can transform the atmosphere in your home.

Click here for a list of ways to connect that make all the difference

Contact Ronnie Vehemente:

Mood Advisor

Ronnie is the founder of The Family Room www.familyroomla.com, a unique psychotherapy practice, focused on the challenges of parenting, marriage & family life. Ronnie has 30 years of experience counseling children, teens, new mothers, parents, couples and families. She graduated from Columbia University School of Social work. Ronnie is an advisor to Mood.org, bringing her deep understanding of teen psychology. The mission of Mood is to put free, fast, and effective mental health tools in the hands of EVERY tween and teen—building skills and resilience through content they want to engage with.

Transcript

Rachel Richards: 0:02

Rachel, hello and welcome to teenagers untangled the audio hug for parents going through the tween and teen years. I'm Rachel Richards, journalist, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters. Now it's difficult to remain calm as a parent when the world feels unstable and unpredictable. Things have shifted so much in our parenting lifespan, from social media to covid and the financial crash of 2008 I think it's a tricky world to navigate, even when we're not guiding kids, which is why I've invited today's guest onto the show to talk about how our relationship with ourselves will shape our teens internal voice and practical ways to model positive self talk in daily life. Ronnie vermente is a psychotherapist and founder of the psychotherapy practice the family room, which is focused on the challenges of parenting, marriage and family life. And she's also the social worker for mood, a non profit that aims to empower tweens and teens to manage their feelings. Thanks for being with us. Thank you. Rachel pleasure, meeting you, one of the things I've been thinking about a lot is how much our children are actually watching who we are, not just what we say. And from your perspective, how does a parent's relationship with themselves shape the voice a teenager develops in their own head? I think that the most important, meaningful relationship of our lifetime is the one that we have with ourselves and so loving and nurturing, you know, ourselves, in all its facets, become the compass for how our children will do the same. And I like to think about it in what I call the four B's, body bonds, breath and brain. And so taking care of our bodies, not only about our physical wellness, like movement, going outside, it's you know also about sleep, nutrition, hydration, checking in with ourselves, not only with how our body's feeling, but how our emotions are feeling, and also trusting our intuition. Then there's bonds. So really trying to find the time to pursue our passions, to

Ronnie Vehemente: 2:01

find our joy, our purpose, our why, and also to create, like, supportive relationships with people that we trust, to really create a community. Then there's breath, which is staying grounded and rooted in who we are. Are things like breath, work, journaling, meditation, gratitude, because the way in which we regulate ourselves is the way in which our children will regulate themselves. And then there's brain you know, how you perceive your reality impacts your mood and how you manage stress, recover from you know, challenges how you talk to yourself. They all impact the ways in which our kids talk to themselves like our internal voice becomes our children's internal voice. For instance, if we as parents speak to ourselves with kindness, compassion, generosity, curiosity, respect, then our children will develop that same positive self talk. But when parents come from a place of self criticism. They're harsh, they're judgmental, then that mirrors our children's negative self talks. Yeah, I've written quite a bit recently, particularly on my sub stack, about how a lot of parents are struggling with their sense of whether they're doing enough and how they're matching up to expectations in the world. And you know, one of my recent mantras is, look, you're doing better than you think you are. Because I think quite often parents set very high expectations for what they should be and and I don't think that's necessarily realistic. And of course, kids then also feel that anxiety. So what if a parent is quite self critical? What might that sound like for a teenager, maybe further on. So if a parent's self critical or saying things like, I can't do this, I'm fat, I'm ugly, nobody likes me. This is too hard, you know. So imagine growing up in a household where a parent is so harsh to themselves, then that can become again, the road in which their

Rachel Richards: 4:04

children will take. We can say that to ourselves and think, Well, I've got to be good to myself. But you know, quite often we don't feel calm and positive all the time. Life is busy and messy, and we can find that, you know, healthy self talk evades us at very important moments. So can you give us an example of what it would sign like, sound like in a real moment when we're, you know, we are surrounded by things where we're struggling. How can we say things about ourselves or the way that we project to our children that are much more positive?

Ronnie Vehemente: 4:39

Being honest about how we're feeling, like I'm stressed, I'm really overwhelmed, and I'm gonna go do something to take care of myself right now. Like I'm gonna go take a walk, I'm gonna take a bath, I'm just gonna take a breath or 30 right now to regulate myself. And also, like when mistakes happen, as we do all the time with. As parents, to own responsibility, but also to repair. So like there's a rupture that happens between you and your child, that you acknowledge it, that you apologize and they see you doing something to regulate yourself. So whether that's some kind of breathing technique or some grounding technique, the mood tools app has become one of my favorite resources, not only for my own children or the children and teens that I work with, but also for myself. So when a parent, for instance, is struggling with something like using a breathing technique, so whether that's box breathing, finger tracing, breathing, 478, breathing, like using them in the moment. And so when a parent sees one of their children struggle, hopefully, they've been using the mood tools app and, you know, identifying a tool or two or three that's really helpful for them. You can't use them unless you learn them. Using them live is one of the best teachers. Yes, I

Rachel Richards: 6:00

remember reading about the technique of actually, just when you are going through a process of doing something, saying it out loud, so that people can understand, or your children understand exactly what how you go through the iterative process of fixing something that you're finding quite difficult. What's the line between saying, I'm struggling with this, and I'm going to take some time out and over sharing. How do we know that what we're when we're expressing, that we're finding things difficult, that we're not actually going to

Ronnie Vehemente: 6:30

stress our kids out. That depends on the age of your child and also that child's temperament, right? But I think as children get older, we can explore, you know the amount of information and content that we share, but it's that that line of showing your children how to cope without the expectation of having your children fix your problems or be there, be your therapist, for instance. So saying something like, again, I'm overwhelmed with work right now, so I'm going to take a bath and I'm going to go talk to your dad, yeah, so you can let them know that something's stressing you out, but not expecting them to fix it for you, or to listen ad nauseum about what you would say, for instance, to a friend or to your partner about what you're struggling with, but again, as they get older, being honest about how you're feeling and showing them how you're coping in positive ways, whether that's with the mood tool is up, or whether that's going for a run or going to a yoga class or taking a dance class, or, again, going out in nature and just

Rachel Richards: 7:49

taking a walk. I like what you're saying, because I think as I've got older, I've been a bit more honest with my kids when I found things particularly difficult. But again, not I love that, not expecting them to fix it for me. No, yeah, yeah.

Ronnie Vehemente: 8:01

And again, self regulation becomes such an important tool, because when we self regulate, then our children follow. And you know, certainly, you know, I'm sure parents recognize that when children are falling apart and parents then escalate, then everybody else escalates. But when children escalate, and parents remain calm and grounded, and then their teen, tween child will eventually meet them at a place of calm and regulation, right? So you don't have to get on the emotional roller coaster. You can stay on

Rachel Richards: 8:35

the platform. I love that, yeah, allowing them to have their ups and downs and not joining in. Are there other small family rituals that you think can be very useful?

Ronnie Vehemente: 8:47

Well, I think again, the gift of a family meal is not to be underestimated, right? So I really do encourage families to have as many family meals together as possible, no matter how old they are even when kids go away to college and they come back right, without any screens, without any distractions. Family meals are meant for connection and conversation authenticity, and what I love is creating these rituals around family meals. So whether it's like when my kids were really little, we used to do this thing called Rose Thorn bud. I don't know if that's something that you've heard of wherever, where everybody goes around the dinner table and you talk about the rose of the day, the bud of the day, the thorn of the day, and the bud. So the rose is something that you know you're something positive, something that made you feel happy and fulfilled your butt. Your Thorn is a not so pleasant thing, something that was challenging or painful, and the bud is what you're looking forward to tomorrow. So that was our daily practice. During our mealtime, during dinner, we would go around the table, or sometimes I would switch it up, and I would ask, like, say something positive or something that you're grateful for about the person who's. Sitting next to you on your left, and we would just go around. We also have this practice of a gratitude jar where, no matter not just our family, but whoever came into the house, was invited to write a little note of what they were grateful for that day, and plop it into the gratitude jar. And right do what we used to do at the end of the year on New Year's Eve is we would read all of them, Oh, I love this. And it's, you know, and then I would kind of put them in a book and, you know, kind of like a keepsake kind of thing. So, you know, these are just like little rituals, but they have, like, so much meaning. And then, you know, rather than waiting for something awful to happen, creating a routine of having weekly family meetings to just talk about what's working and what's not. So it's not like an emergency, like we have to have a family meeting, but it's just something that's set in stone, you know, something that is part of your family system. Also, what I love is, is you have a journal that anyone's welcome in your family, that anyone is welcome to write in, because sometimes it's hard to just have a conversation one on one, or to have it like eye to eye. But if it's in a family journal, then again, it's something that anybody has access to in your family and that anyone can read, and it's just another way of communicating. So again, points of connection, another thing that I'm really passionate about is really keeping screens away from connection time, meaning morning time, morning routines, meal times in the car and bedtime. Because is, these are the moments when our children are really again, seeking connection and communicating without any kind of distraction. This is when the real stuff can come out, because we're all so busy that if you don't create the time and carp the time, then there's so much missed opportunity for getting to know each other and really supporting one another. And you know, other rituals can be again, the gift of the family meal, but things like, you know, weekly Game Night, a Sunday beach walk, I'm going to the farmers market again. My family does an annual camping trip every summer before, yeah, and we've been doing this now for, oh, gosh, I think we're coming on 14 or 15 years now, no screens, and we go to the same spot every summer, and we just enjoy the simplicity of being together and being out in nature, and it is so rejuvenating and so healing and peaceful, and again, because there's just so much pressure on everyone, it's just a really lovely way to relax and be connected. God, I absolutely

Rachel Richards: 12:59

love that. I've got a similar thing. Every summer we go hiking in the Alps, and, you know, we've got varying levels of interest in actually doing the hard hikes, but it's just one of those things that has become so important to us, because it's a shared time and a shared memory. And I I put the pictures up on on a private account, and my daughter once said to me, you know, if I'm feeling a bit low and that you're not around, I'll just go into those photos, and I can see, you know, because I write a little diary entry for each day. And so that's different, because that's an online version. But I love all these things, and I think the rituals are where, where the connection actually happens and solidifies. And the family meal. I mean, that is the absolute bedrock of my family. And I can't, I can't eat in the house when, you know, at dinner, if one of the kids isn't there, or one of the people in the if there's a person in the house and they're not there, I just, I just feel really uncomfortable and unhappy about it. And What's lovely about it is the different generations get to share their viewpoints and their stories, and I don't know it's like a taking interns. I don't know. There's just so much that happens with the family shared family meal. So I'm always really surprised when I find it doesn't have to happen every night, because I know people are busy, but when I find that people aren't doing that, it breaks my heart, because it's something I would have liked when I was a child, and I want my kids to grow up thinking carrying that on,

Ronnie Vehemente: 14:23

and it becomes such a foundational practice, you know. And what I also love seeing is like when my boys would bring friends over, they would have an experience of having a family meal without phones, which is not that common anymore, and again, again, time to simply be together. And then when my college age son comes home, it's just out of habit that he come. You know, he's not that he's home every night for dinner because he wants to see his friends, but he makes that a priority, yeah, yeah, because now so it's love. They Yeah,

Rachel Richards: 15:00

and I think one of the things we struggle with is when we don't achieve what we'd like to achieve. And I've done a lot of talking and thinking about expectations versus outcomes, and the happiness that gets thrown at the wayside when our outcome doesn't meet those expectations. And always the thing is growth. We want growth, rather than focusing on the the final goal. But how do you see that? You know, in terms of parents, when they're thinking about setting out their expectations of family life and how well they do and they feel like they're not meeting up to matching up to it? Are there kind of tips that you can give to parents for coping with the sense that, like, maybe their kids aren't what they hoped they were going to be, maybe their life isn't the way that they were expecting it to be.

Ronnie Vehemente: 15:50

Approaching parenting with a lens of curiosity, I think, can relieve parents of that internal pressure, right? And really focusing on the process and progress over perfection again, if we don't give that to ourselves, then it's hard to give that to anybody else, right? Yes, of course, right. So really being reflective of what that journey is for us in terms of perfectionism and expectations and outcomes. So you know, when we celebrate effort that celebrates a growth mindset rather than an outcome driven one, it celebrates resilience and persistence and normalizing that challenge mistakes are all part of the journey. But the what the one thing that I also like to emphasize with parents is that our children are not their failures or mistakes, nor are they their successes. They are loved and celebrated regardless. Simply because they exist, yes, they matter, and they're loved unconditionally no matter what. And children feel that.

Rachel Richards: 17:13

And how can we convey that? Though? Do you know we can? We can say, Oh, you're loved. I loved you no matter what. But it was really nice if you got this grade, how do we convey that?

Ronnie Vehemente: 17:25

So being very specific in your language, so I noticed that that was really hard for you, but you kept going, or you asked for help. Are I see that you really frustrated that you didn't get the grade that you wanted, but you tried your hardest, and that's what matters most. And again, being mindful of your own language about yourself when you're struggling. Yeah, right. Like I was really frustrated that I couldn't get X, Y or Z, but I'll practice and work on it next time. Yeah, right now. And being harsh.

Rachel Richards: 18:01

Yeah, and are there any other things that you'd like to say to parents about the way that we can become kinder to ourselves? Because, again, I know that there have been a lot of comments about the stress that parents are under and the stress we put ourselves under. You know other other things you can say to parents to make it to help us see a different way of viewing ourselves.

Ronnie Vehemente: 18:30

Be who you want to see. Our children are sponges. Right? They absorb everything they see, hear, feel, experience, especially the how, what, where, when, why? Of parents and so if we want our children to be resilient and happy and kind and loving and compassionate and generous authentic present, then we have to live those ourselves, because then that paves the way for our children to be the same and to also let go of perfectionism because it doesn't exist.

Rachel Richards: 19:09

No, I think there's an awful lot of that though, don't you think I think? But what I mean is, I think that actually, in the last maybe 2030, years, perfectionism has risen dramatically, this sense that there, there is a right way to do things. Do you do you think that? I mean, you've been, you've been around for a while. I mean, I've been

Ronnie Vehemente: 19:28

absolutely I mean, we are in a mental health crisis, children of all ages, and parents are under tremendous pressure systems that don't, necessarily support families. I think there are unrealistic expectations. There are a lot of shoulds, yeah, right. And a lot of you know, keeping up with the Joneses at the expense of one's mental health and well being i. And so at the end of the day, we are our most important relationship to ourselves in our entire lifetime. So really letting that soak in and who like? How do you want to live your life? How do you want your children to live their lives? How do you want to show up for yourself and the people that you love? Because, again, our children soak it all up, and they follow suit. Yeah, so you know, if we want our children to be and listen. The pressure is real. Challenges are real. It's how we cope with them. And so if we want our children to become resilient and to be kind and compassionate to themselves, then we have to practice the same and to worry less about what other people think and to stay true and rooted into in our authentic selves.

Rachel Richards: 21:10

Yeah, absolutely, I saw a brilliant thing recently where this woman said, my husband keeps a photo of me on his dashboard of his car when I was six to remind him that I was once a little girl and I deserve the compassion that a little girl deserves. And I thought, isn't that absolutely brilliant? And shouldn't we be doing that about ourselves? Yes, so talking to ourselves as if we're that little child, and showing ourselves that level of affection and compassion and

Ronnie Vehemente: 21:42

yes, yes, yes, to parent ourselves in the ways in which we needed and perhaps didn't get for a variety of reasons. You know, to love ourselves in the ways that we needed or still needed. Yeah, it really boils down to that very simple but complicated journey of loving and nurturing oneself as a way to pave the road for our children.

Rachel Richards: 22:13

Is there anything else you'd like to tell parents before we finish

Ronnie Vehemente: 22:17

the relationship with ourselves is the most meaningful and the most important So, treat yourself, right? Yeah, treat yourself with loving Well, get it the other thing, get it right. But when you when you get it wrong, that's okay. Be kind and forgive yourself and you learn. Yeah, you

Rachel Richards: 22:36

better, yeah, I would say to my kids, you either win or you learn, it's gonna be great either way. This is true. This is true. Ronnie, if people want to find you, how would they go about that?

Ronnie Vehemente: 22:51

They can find me at familyroom, la.com and certainly the mood tools.

Rachel Richards: 22:57

If you want to get in contact with me, I'm on teenagersuntangled@gmail.com I have a website which is teenagersuntangled.com and my sub sack is the same. I mean, it's all teenagers untangled. And I love it when you send me comments, suggestions, questions, anything like that. Our guests, if you want to contact them, we're open for business. We're open for questions and any feedback, if you love this, please send it to at least one other person that you know that might benefit, because that would be absolutely amazing. And most of my new listeners come from your recommendations. So that would be amazing. That's it for this week. Big hug from me. Bye, bye. You. You.