Why “Date Till You Hate” Wastes Your Life | S4 EP114

Dating shouldn’t require stockpiling resentment just to make leaving feel easy. We take apart the “date till you hate” trend and talk honestly about why slow fading is just avoidance with better lighting. From attachment patterns to the fear of being the “bad guy,” we unpack the real drivers behind emotional checkout and show how that choice drains self-trust, confuses partners, and turns love into a holding pattern.

You’ll hear a candid look at the costs of waiting for hate—how micro-withdrawals add up, why your partner likely senses the shift, and what happens to your identity when you keep ignoring your own needs. Then we pivot to solutions. We walk through a practical needs-wants-boundaries exercise, simple language for initiating a hard conversation, and a clear path to ending things with dignity when change isn’t possible. If leases, money, or shared routines keep you frozen, we outline how to plan the logistics so your courage isn’t fighting your calendar.

This is a call to act, not to stew. Clarity is kinder than silence. Boundaries beat bitterness. And choosing a clean exit isn’t villainy—it’s maturity and respect for two lives. If you’ve been hovering in limbo, this conversation gives you the tools and the nudge to move. Listen, take notes, and then take one step: write your list, book the talk, or set a date for change.

If this hit home, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs the push, and leave a quick review so more people find it. Your next honest move could save both of you years.

1/6/26

1/6/26

Transcript

Casual Opener And ASMR Gag

SPEAKER_00 0:51

Welcome back everybody to another episode of Around the Kinky Campfire. This is your host singing terribly HH Julius, aka Just Julius here for you today. And we're just gonna get right into it with the ASMR five seconds. No sponsored here. No sponsored products here, but I'm drinking a white claw lemon continuation from the other episode. I will say it has been a couple days, so it's been sitting in my fridge, losing all of its carbonation, and it tastes glorious right now. But I'm gonna use this for the ASMR one, two, three, four, five seconds, and we'll see how this goes. Mmm, mmm, tasty. Oh boy, uncarbonated white cloth tastes amazing, but I know it. You know what does taste amazing if it was cold and fresh? Uh white claw, any flavor, 100 calories, and no sugars, or total sugars, two grams. What happened? They used to not have any sugars in there. Definitely got no protein. Uh interesting. Okay, didn't know they put sugars in there. Used to be no sugars in there, that's why I liked it, because it was no sugars, but now they boast in gluten-free. Sure, that's totally something. Only 100 calories though, so keep whip with those macros if you're on keto and just in dieting in general. Um, but, anyways, uh, let me get another pillow here. Put this behind me. I feel like I'm falling into the sectional here. Alright, that's a little bit better. Now I'm sitting up aha, I'm sitting up more. Okay, so the topic we are getting in today is very spicy. Not very spicy, as in um for the rating, because you know how we are here at Around the Kinky Campfire. New episodes on Tuesday on Thursdays and video episodes on Fridays. This is spicy because Julius is going to get heated on this one because it's this new dating trend that's just stupid, and it's like, why is this even a thing? Um, but it's oh just dumb. Okay, so this is the whole entire trend. I'm just gonna react to this whole entire thing because I only got so much time and I want to get through as much as this before because as y'all know I can rattle and rant off and uh lose track of time and not get to all my things, but I think I I cover the I cover cover up, I cover the topics pretty well as far as I know, and let me know in all the socials and let me know what you think, or send me an email at the the contacts at the intro and the outro. Okay, and the midro. And the topic we were talking about today is the date them till you hate them theory uh that came out on TikTok that everybody's oh god, so I read the articles on TikTok, but I don't participate on TikTok unless it's like a YouTube compilation or something, because I will not oh god, I will not um get down that rabbit hole of TikTok. Even though there is a lot of stuff to learn on TikTok, I'll just I'll do the notes. I'll take the notes, okay? So date them until you hate them. So basically, we're avoiding conflict, which you know we love so much here on around the Kinky Campfire podcast. Don't have those difficult conversations, stay in your bubble, stay in your comfort and live uh unhealthily, horribly, not necessarily alone because you could just be making your partner more miserable. Love that here, just keep staying there like that. That's great. So, this is a thing that is on TikTok now, and it's just so stupid, just plain stupid. Let's just not even have the conversation, the difficult conversations. So, basically, to long story short, um, even though I have a bunch of notes on this thing, we are just going to stay with somebody, not break up with them, because it's too difficult and uncomfortable to have a breakup conversation, even if it's like on a text or an email or something like that. We're just gonna keep going until they decide to leave the relationship. Conscious uncoupling. It's great. Um, let's just do that. And uh so stupid because somebody on TikTok, I don't even know, I haven't even seen the original TikTok. That's how much I don't give a fuck. We we are just gonna uh make a TikTok about how they just stayed in a four-real relationship and instead of just having the breakup conversation, wasted everybody's time and stayed in there even though they know they wanted it to end. It's great. Uh let's see here. Notes it core idea instead of breaking up or community problems, you emotionally check out conscious uncoupling. Emotional uncoupling. Let resentment build and wait until you generally hate them. So the breakup feels easier and less emotionally painful. Awesome. That's great. Let's just do that. Some would say Julius has been doing that with his life. Uh, yeah. So just make it so terrible that you finally have to motivate, you finally have the motivation to change your state, whatever it is you're doing. I know for me, I did this with life and finances that I purposely uh I just realized this recently, so this is why this triggered me so much. Looking in the mirror, that's what I do, and make podcast episodes out of it, but gotten into such dire financial straits that I had to almost, almost, um, just have to, yeah, bankruptcy. Almost, and then finally had to find something that motivated me, fine, stumbled onto something that motivated me enough to go in the other direction. So now we're on the uh not downward valley, we're going up the mountain. We haven't gone far enough to see the peak of the mountain yet, but that's what we're on right now. So we're digging ourselves out. So when we do this in romantic relationships, it is very stupid because like I said, we're just gonna waste everybody's time. Let's how about we develop the skills or you know, by listening to a podcast or researching at some point, article, video, or something, and work on the skills of how to go through breaking up and dealing with uncomfortable conversations. Somebody has a class about that, and decide to end this thing so we don't waste anybody's time. And then you know what? You're also just wasting your life away. Years, four years. I can't even hate on the four-year thing, because I did it for over a decade with my just myself in general. Progress. And it's man, it sucks because you realize. Um, and also once again, TikTok shows you a thing where people were going back ten years and showing their lives from 2016 compared to what they look like now. We lost half a decade, people on a stupid um quarantine situation where we just like checked out for five years and woke back up. Fucking crazy, but we all did it. Ugh. Let's see. Experts compare it to a slow fade or avoiding discard, a gradual distancing rather than a direct breakup. Let's avoid that difficult situation and the conflict that might happen by having a conversation, and instead, we will just wait till it fades. Ugh. So gross. Gross, gross, gross. Okay. What do we have here? Why? The reason why people do it. Yes, they need excuses. That's why. That's exactly what it is. They need an excuse to do nothing. Ugh, and veg out. All right, let's see. Number one, some use it as a covet mechanism to avoid conflict or confrontation. Yep, we said that. I said that. Look at that. Okay, it's not like I made these notes myself. Okay, number two, anxiety and avoidant attachment styles may drive people to use this strategy. They feel they need a reason to leave or they don't want to be seen as the bad guy. All right. Yet again, we're gonna throw out another um memeable term. The villain era. Everybody's going into their villain era now, and it's like, I've always been that. Call me a super villain. I will always be the villain in the situation. Uh, you know what my favorite thing is when I was working in a retail or service industry job, I like to be the one to tell people no. It's like you want something? No. You want to go over there? No. Now it was for a good reason, but I still like telling them no, usually it's because they're safety or just out, didn't know when it was refilling. It's like the ridiculous the most ridiculous question, but I understand people ask it is like, when are you gonna get that back in stock? It's like, I don't know. And I love saying it. I don't know, because you know why? They don't tell us. Oh, lemony fresh white claw. Uh, and I just I I reveled in that. So I I love telling people no, being the villain in in difficult situations in general, and then especially if it has nothing to do with me, like telling friends like, oh, you're a drunk or you're an alcoholic. Maybe you should look into that. Kind of mean, yes, exactly. But I still enjoy doing it. But I have had friends that be like, Oh, thank you for telling me, and um, I'm I'm working on the situation, and I'm like, I'm glad I could be the one to finally tell you to your face that you're fucking up. No, I really actually try to hold that, try to uh no jokes about it. I actually try to hold back on that stuff, just being observant of different things and seeing stuff. It's like, you know what? Not everybody wants unsolicited advice, but sometimes they take it with a grain of salt, and sometimes they're even thankful for it. So it's like, do I give the advice or not? And of course, not judgy 100% saying that without sarcasm. I've not been judgy ever. Mm-hmm. Okay, third reason for some, the trend feels like a way to emotionally protect themselves. By the time they break up, they're already detached. Yep, you need a nice years-long detachment and safeguard yourself so you don't feel bad or the bad guy. Gross. Let me not go in there and be the bad guy. I am not the bad one. They broke up with me even though I did not commit to the relationship any longer than I needed to. I was working on myself and they were still there. Obviously, I can't have hurt them or their feelings because I didn't do the breaking up. I just emotionally attached and distanced myself, and metaphorically, I still live with them for as long as I possibly could, also because our lease wasn't up. But you know what? I am not the one that left or moved out. Mm-hmm. So I cannot be the bad guy. Ugh. I don't know why I made the bad guy the villain, uh the British voice, but you know, the American movies, blame it on that. It's uh very unfortunate that uh this has become a trend. Ugh. Alright, so not only are we doing that as a culture, as a society in America here, but we're actually making a trend of it on TikTok and then making videos of it in general, just on social media. It's like, why are we projecting this? Gross. Why are people watching these videos? It's like, go learn some communication styles. It's literally everywhere. Just start with the basics and work from there. How about you know what? Figure out where your boundary is in the relationship, realize you're wasting everybody's time. I say this as it like it's simple, but knowing full well it is not easy. That's why there are classes and everything for this. Learning styles, some people teach classes like this, and use that base knowledge to start building habits and skills to work your way out of the discomfort, kind of sort of. You're working your way out of discomfort. It's not gonna suck less in general, the feelings are still gonna be there, but it's still gonna uh be easier to do in the future. Just stop wasting people's time. Like you're not doing anything but wasting people's time, you're delaying the inevitable. Why not just get it over with? Start the process now. It doesn't have to be like ripping a bang, going cold turkey. That's not a thing. Why does it have to be turkey? Why can't it be going cold ham or chicken? Chicken's gross. I would argue cold chicken is worse than cold turkey. Anyways, let's start the process now. Okay, do one thing. If you don't do anything else, if you're having an awful, horrible conflict in your future, start now. Write it down, talk talk it out in your head or whatever, and be like, the first step is what I want and need. Okay, if I'm not liking something, say uh your job, start right now, figure out where you would like to work, and then two, figure out where you can work. I would like to work on the moon, but right now that's not possible. We're going to Mars first, apparently. Whatever. Um, SpaceX and stuff. I don't I don't know. That was a horror. I don't know what's going on with the space program. Let's just say that right now. Cut the chase. Julius does not know what's going on with the space program. That was just a metaphor, simile, something, comparison, and anecdotal. Use whatever you want. My point is figure out what you can have and then what you actually can't have. Go from there. Wintertime. Gross. All right. Why experts say it's toxic? Oh, I wonder why. Psychologists, let's see, number one, psychologists and breakup coaches argue that it encourages emotional suppression, ignoring your own needs. Oh, look at there. It's almost like I took these notes myself. Honestly, I do not remember what my notes were because I was just mostly like um copying and pasting um for what I needed. So that's just funny that that was one of the things. But yes, ignoring your own needs, wasting your own time. I don't know about anybody else. I hate having my time wasted, first of all, and second of all, I hate wasting other people's time. So let's just not do that. How about that? Let's just not do that at all. Write it down, make a note, talk with a friend, colleague, trusted co-worker. Do something. Let's start with that. All right, number two, it can damage self-trust, self-trust, prolong pain, and lead to wasted time in a relationship that's not working. Oh, look at there. Once again, wasting time. Number three, staying around to tolerate disrespect and mistreatment, just so you can build up enough resentment. Uh is not framed as empowerment, but as avoidance disguised as control. So you can control a lot of things, including the non-action to progressing the end of this relationship, and just you know, avoid it completely. But you are in control of that. That is something you are doing by not doing anything. You are doing nothing. It's an action. You are doing nothing, you are choosing to not progress. And it's like, why are we not doing that right now? Just gotta build up that resentment, that negative energy in order to motivate yourself to do something. Like I'm motivating myself to keep drinking this. Oh, tasty. Boy boy, I love that. Oh, yeah. Why are we doing this? Why? Stop it. Alright, next one. It also does a disservice to the partner because they may never fully understand what they did wrong. The issues never communicated. So this is the best part because you leave your partner guessing. Now, honestly, I want you to ask yourself, I'm gonna get right close into the camera here. Audio people, you just have to take my word for it for a day, 24 hours, something like that. Anyways, ask yourself this. Do you really think your partner has 0%, 0% idea what's about to happen? I, Julius, would argue and bet money that they do have something. There's a little gut feeling in there. It's not like you are completely oblivious to your partner being emotionally attached and conscious uncoupling. You really think that is not being noticed? I would argue that probably the arguments, I would argue that arguments are have gone up. The um nonverbal glances, the subdermal microaggressions, or something like that. Something is going on that to let them know that you distaste them, you dislike them, something is happening, something is coming undone. I would argue that everybody in the relationship knows something is about to change in some form or another. It could just be like a little tickle in the back of your throat, or just a little earwig in your ear, or some little negative connotation, notion, all that in there, and you just have no idea that uh that you are feeling or you have no idea why you're feeling that way, but you are feeling that way. I would argue that. So why don't you just take all that uncertainty, stress that's being piled onto yourself, probably in some anxiety, and put it towards healthy communication. Uh-huh. You think? You think that would be a good idea? I think that would be a good idea. Uh yeah, so why don't we do that? Uh like I said, I would bet money on that. I would bet thousands of dollars if I had it. That they know something's about to happen. So you really think for this four years this person's partner didn't know that something bad was about something bad. Something bad was about to happen? Really? Okay. Alright, lastly, on a deeper level, the goal of hate ends up normalizing bitterness. Good lord, as an exit strategy, which isn't healthy for emotional growth. Well, I mean, duh. Bitterness and hate. Oh god. Yeah, so in typical fashion, I have more notes and not enough time. So this is great. All right, so we're just gonna power through to the end, because I always have to skip stuff. This is good having more notes than I can talk about. Um, here we go. What experts recommend instead? Number one open, clear, and honest communication. Oh, oh. I was pretty sure somebody said that earlier. Rather than waiting for resentment, address the problems directly. You mean making a needs-wants list and figuring out where your boundaries are and how you'd like to progress instead of sitting in the muck that you've been sitting in? Pretty sure somebody said that too. Okay. Number two, use breakups when they happen as the opportunity to build relationship skills, boundary setting, self-respect, and assertiveness. Ooh, that assertiveness is tough for anxious people. You gotta assert your boundaries. Oh shit. I don't have boundaries, I don't know where I am in relation to the rest of the world, aka identity. It's great. Let me oh man, certain straighting straight there. I would let's start with the boundary setting or boundaries, figure out what those are for you in general. Also, probably figure out what you want in a relationship, or just in life in general. That would probably be good before you get into a long-term relationship. Stuff we need to do that aren't we aren't taught growing up in not in the house, sadly, and then especially not in like school. No, they want to teach us fucking math and chemistry and shit. Shit we don't even need. Uh, and lastly, treat breakups as an act of self-respect. You don't need to earn a breakup by suffering. You can choose to leave when things aren't working. You can choose choose to leave when things aren't working. Shocking. Oh my god. Last drink for the episode. Oh god. Who wants to bet? Some of that will still be for the here for the next one. I do. Okay, so oh man. Yeah, people. That that oh yeah. We we gotta we gotta we I gotta get serious for a second. Let's uh stop this. Okay. This is not a trend that needs to be perpetuated by anybody. Just like if you see this on there, just like don't downvote the video. I'm not gonna say that, but don't don't watch the whole thing. Why are we doing this? I can't imagine that people in healthy relationships are sitting there on TikTok looking at this shit. It's gotta be other people who are like, oh, I feel that way too. Yeah, that person gets it, I'm gonna keep doing this for another years. Like the stupidest thing you can do. Go talk to somebody. Alright? Go do some research. Just research a little bit. Literally takes five minutes. I mean, I did it, I'm I researched this whole entire thing about 10 minutes after I heard about it. And number two, research good communication. The it that takes less than five minutes to be like, oh, number one, boundaries. Number two, assert not necessarily assertive, just speak what you want out there to somebody. Good, like I said, good colleague or something. That's somebody that'll listen to what you're saying, and then hopefully we'll tell you, go tell that to your partner. God, you know I'm a big Redditor here. Julius is all on the Reddits all the time, and people are still posting on Reddit about what they should talk to their partner. How about go talk to your partner about that? How about that? Try that first, and then come back to Reddit. All right, I talked to my partner like three times, didn't work. What should I do now? That's when you post on Reddit. Don't do it. Oh, should I talk to my partner about this? What? I don't like butt sex and they keep trying to do butt sex. So tell them you don't like butt sex and you're not gonna do butt sex. About that. Or, you know, take a higher approach and go research butt sex. Maybe that's why you don't like to do it because you don't know realize there's like cleaning tools for that kind of stuff. I know it opened my eyes and my butthole to that whole entire thing. God, if if at least one person like does a minute of research from this episode after hearing this, I will be happy. Julius would be happy. Okay, that's all for now. I could rant so much more, and of course I have so many more notes on this particular topic, but I've run out of time. So this is HH Julius for the Around the Kiki Campfire, new episode, new audio episodes on Thursdays, video episodes on Fridays on the YouTube. That's it for now. We'll catch you next week. Hello.