White Claw, Small Town Drama, And Big Poly Feelings | Reddit Q&A | S4 EP115

Ever feel pressured to reshape your heart to fit someone else’s relationship model? We dive straight into the mess and the magic of modern non-monogamy with a frank look at three hot Reddit topics: saying no to open relationships, decoding what “solo poly” really means, and how to handle meta check-ins without turning them into gossip circles. No fluff—just hard truths, practical boundaries, and a few laughs along the way.

First up, we talk about relationship orientation like it’s meant to be treated: as real as sexual orientation. If exclusivity is how you bond, you’re not broken or “behind.” You’re compatible with some partners and incompatible with others. We dig into the difference between monogamy, non-monogamy, and that gray “monogamish” space—and how to decide which lane you actually want, not the one you think you should tolerate.

Then we pull apart the misuse of “solo poly.” It’s not a fancy way of saying you’re single. It’s a structural choice: no cohabitation, no merged finances, no marriage or co-parenting, and a commitment to self-governance. Time and attention aren’t dictated by the label; they’re negotiated. If you’re solo poly-ish or closer to relationship anarchy, we offer clear language for what you will and won’t share, and how to keep expectations clean.

Finally, we lay down a simple rule for metas: talk to your partner about partner issues; talk to your meta about meta issues. We set a template for information-sharing agreements—what to disclose, what to keep private, and how to handle sexual details, health, and scheduling without creating a triangle of resentment. We also tackle the small-town, workplace romance combo and why it magnifies every slip, plus how to protect your peace if that’s your reality.

If you’re sorting your labels, defining your boundaries, or cleaning up messy info flows, this one’s for you. Subscribe, share with a friend who needs clearer agreements, and leave a review telling us your hardest boundary you won’t bend.

First story - https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/comments/1qq2xhf/i_feel_like_im_wrong_for_not_being_able_to_be_in/

Second story - 

 https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/comments/1qq2xhf/i_feel_like_im_wrong_for_not_being_able_to_be_in/

Third story - https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1qq9bc4/sharing_with_meta/

1/6/26

1/6/26

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:52

Welcome back, everybody, to another episode of Around the Kinky Campfire. This is H.H. Julius without his glasses. I have my glasses now. Now I can podcast. And H.H. Julius Marquise, I should say officially, just Julius, if you're feeling less fancy. And I have another episode for you here today, on this day, either Thursday or Friday. And for the ASMR, three seconds, of course. I still have my white claw lemon from the last episode. Thank you for paying attention and watching every episode. Let's start the ASMR two seconds now. Three, two, one.

unknown 1:38

Oh, okay.

Setting Up The Reddit Q&A

Monogamy Vs Non‑Monogamy Reality Check

Solo Poly Misuse And Definitions

Sharing With Metas: What Not To Do

SPEAKER_00 1:38

Yep, that's tasty. Oh, we did it. We did it. We're off the lemon. And then we have the watermelon? Watermelon white claw. Let's go. Uh yeah, bonus time because that one was fresh and still had some carbonation in it. That's white claw not sponsored. Yeah, we will whore ourselves out here. Julius will himself out for the sponsorships if they ever come. But right now, not sponsored. But white claw is delicious when it has carbonation and you want something refreshing with a little bit of alcohol in there. So then uh you got a break from your regular life. Sure. Grab you a white claw, 100 calories, green-free, 5% alcohol with carbonation. Hopefully, that's what you have. Okay, that's it for the ad read. Right now, this topic here on this day of our Lord, yeah, uh, is going to be a Reddit QA. So I grabbed some um random topics from Reddit, random now, and then I'll go down and eventually just have specific episodes. I just felt like being random because I realize I haven't done one of these in a while, I think. Uh Reddit QA, and I want to there's always some juicy questions on Reddit. As you know, Julius likes uh the Reddits, big fan of the Reddits and these questions. So I specifically didn't look at the answers, I just went with the questions to see what caught my eye. And I tried to pick some that you hear you see so often and you read so often on the Reddit. I'm like, you know what? Let me just answer these questions and we'll have them stop forever and ever and every time. Nobody will ever post a question like this ever on Reddit again. I almost made it through that little speech there. Didn't work. We're still gonna see these questions over and over again because nobody searches on the Reddit. Nobody knows how to search, apparently. Just know how to post. Uh again, disclaimer stop posting on Reddit. If you're about to go talk, you need to talk to your partner or something, go talk to them first and then get critiques on Reddit. Uh, people, what the fuck? Okay. Hmm, try not to cuss before the first five minutes just for YouTube stuff. But we're not sponsored or monetized, so why do we care right now? But put a pin on that for the future. Okay. First QA question scenario. I copied over the whole entire thing. And I'll try to remember, oh, to put the links as I do with every episode when I have a topic that has a something related to it. I put the stuff in the description totally. Okay, gotta remember to do that. Um, first question. I feel like I'm wrong for not being able to be in an EM relationship. Just say non-monogamous. We're not doing ethical anymore. That's stupid. Okay. Now, I've been dating this girl for four months. It's the first time in three years and feel romantic, intellectual and sexual connection. She feels the same, but she'll always be open relationships. Uh, it's not negotiable for her. I get it. I respect her desires, I do understand why she likes it, and appreciate the honesty. I cannot feel but I can't feel the same in that kind of relationship. Doesn't work out for me. When I have feelings for someone, I want to have sex exclusivity with them. You're not the only one, buddy. A lot of people feel the same way. And I'm assuming gender well, I'm just going gender neutral, because why does it matter? Doesn't matter here around the kinky campfire campsters. Uh when I have feelings for someone exclusive, the more in love, the more I want to make love to you. I don't see why those cannot be happening at the same time. I make love all the time. I don't fuck my partners, I make love to them. Um even though we're not exclusive. Totally a thing. Uh no romantic or sexual interest toward anyone else. In the end, I want the person with to feel the same way. Can't control somebody else's actions or reactions, bud. That's just not how it works. You can be true to yourself and see if you find somebody that feels the same way or does the same thing you want in a relationship. That's too bad. Uh okay, and then finally they say, while I would be comfortable in a flexible, monogamous relationship, monogamous, or another term with that, flexible or monogamous. Uh talking with your partner in case you're attracted to someone, like going to a strip club or something together. I really cannot deconstruct deconstruct myself enough for the kind of openness she's asking for. Make it possible to be fully giving myself to the other person. Okay, what's the question here? You are not ready for a fully monogamous relationship. Fully non-monogamous relationship. Uh, apparently. Um, so go do some more research. This person is not for you. If you cannot handle them having sex with other people, then tell them that and either work on it or get out. But don't try to change yourself for somebody else if you actually feel that way. And I forgot to turn the lights on. Okay, production stuff. So, yeah. What why are what are we doing here? What is the question? That's there's your answer. I answered your question for you. You ain't ready for non-monogamy. Full on, full on non-monogamy. Taking the flexible monogamous or non monogamish or monogamish. So many words. Even I get confused, people, so you're not the only one. I get confused with the terms too. I've never seen flexible monogamous before. I've heard monogamish. For their definition, that's the word I've heard before. Mmm, white claw, yummy. Watermelon, best flavor out there, I would say. Even though I'm not sponsored by them, that'd be my best flavor of white claw. Two grams, sugars, 100 calories. Um, but yeah, if you're not regular for monogamish, then that ain't for you. So what what the heck? Don't do it. Do not do it. What's here? I feel like I'm wrong for not being able to be in why yeah, that's terrible. You should not feel wrong for that. If it ain't for you, it ain't for you, bud. And we here at the kinky campfire, I'm gonna speak for everybody that's been on here or is is going to be on here. We believe that relationship orientation is uh orientation, you don't get to choose that in general, at least Julius feels that way, so like you're kind of born into it, like sexual orientation, it's not really a choice. So if you ain't down for it, it's not like a higher evolution of relationships for the most part, and that's just something that's not for you, so don't do it. Okay, next story question, whatever. Number two, I'm starting to avoid solo poly people. I can agree with that already. I can agree to that. Okay, and they say rant. Okay, here we go. But every solo poly woman I've interacted with did not have a good understanding of the polyparter label. Ooh, okay. I'm not expecting endless text and maybe a response between posting thirst traps. Okay, we don't have to move in together. No, what the whole point of being solo poly is that you don't move in together. Okay, but like let's hang out once in a while like normal friends do. We've already had sex and tend the same events in the same community. Maybe let's act like it. Or the opposite, they quickly go from solo poly wanting way more time and attention than that solo poly generally requires. What does that mean? I've been solo poly for years, and what is general requires attention. At this point, I realize that they aren't solo poly, they're single, and they think those two terms are interchangeable. They are not solo poly and single meaning two different things. You are correct. A lot of people have been using the word solo poly, they don't know what the fuck it means. So, 310 is a solo poly in general. Most definitions see it this way not wanting nesting partners or shared finances, uh, no kids. Um I think I said, yeah, this is the three. I put two up and that's the three. No cohabitation. Let's just say that. No cohabitation in the same abode, no sharing of finances, and no kids. Um no marriage? I guess that's the four, three or four, whatever. Who's counting? Anyways, those are the tenants usually of solo polyamory. And did I say marriage? I didn't say oh, no marriage. Did I say that? No, I don't think I said it. So five, whatever it is. No marriage, no share finances, no cohabitation, no kids, no co-parenting. I think it's co-parenting. Anyways, those are the things of solo poly. But a lot of the people and all the stupid memes and shit have taken over the word solo poly, uh, especially just like single people or solo people, incels, whatever you want to call them, talking about solo poly on the fuck it means. So you're just dating. That's all you're doing. You're dating people, you're shopping around. That's not solo poly. You have to have those tenants in mind. You don't want to share anything with anybody else. You're a selfish asshole. That tastes so much better when there's carbonation. Lovely white claw. Anyways. I'm gonna dig at my nose there. Itches. The point is, people are yes to this person that is a rant. They are using single and solo poly interchanging when it's two separate things. First of all, second of all, I don't know what this general attention that solo poly has. What the fuck? Negotiate that shit with everybody. That's why I lean more towards relationship anarchy instead of solo poly because I don't have hard opinions about the tenets of solo poly. It's like I don't plan on getting married, I don't plan on having kids, but you never know. But guess what? I will always have a relationship with myself and negotiate with myself what my needs and wants are before I go start sh spreading it to anybody else. Tell you that right now, okay? So that's why I lean towards more relationship uh anarchy and rather than solo poly army, because I don't know. Just this the solo poly Facebook and just the way they put the rules on there just sounded very gross to me. So I'll say I'm solo poly-ish. I don't plan on it, but I'm not against it. That's wild, anyways. Um that's my judgment as a solo poly person in in the past, but you do you ooh, excuse me. And no um kinker relationship shaming here, but I don't know how you can predict the future. So if anything else, I'm anti-psychic. How about that? We'll see what happens, is what I say. Let's take one day at a time. I don't know about the future. We'll you know, still um medically virile until I get that vasectomy, which should happen before the turn of the century. I mean, I'll probably be dead before the turn of the next century. I should say the turn of the decade. Let's say turn of the decade. I got four years left, so we'll see how it goes. Um, anyways, yeah, I can't predict the future. So I'm anti-psychic, not anti-solo poly. Let's put it that way. But this person rant is valid. Valid rant. If anybody cared about that, come on now. Stupid phone, just doing all kinds of stuff. You love Google Docs, but sometimes that shit just fucks up. Okay. Um story, question, Reddit post. We'll say that. Reddit post number three. Ooh, once again, Julius is not going to get to all of the notes. Okay, Reddit post number three. This one really caught my eye. Sharing with Meta! Oh God, this is not a tricky place. All right, so I have a long-term partner that is seeing someone new. First time either one of us has done this. Oh, yay, you're fun. God, that's why you come here to around the kiki campfire. When you're new to different types of alternative relationships and lifestyles, you come here for your answers. Didn't say it was the right answer, but it is an answer. Okay, they've been involved for four months. Oh, yeah, it's quite intense with a lot of feelings. Already feeling the core memories coming up when oh Julius was starting out and multiple partners and how many fuck-ups I've done. That's why I started a podcast. Ugh. Okay, they've been involved. You know what? I will share gr I will show gratitude for myself so y'all can see I'm thankful for my past self for what I am today. That's unbelievable. I hope I hope so. Okay, they've been involved for four months. Oh, intense. We live in a small town. Uh yeah. Work together. They work together. Oh no. And there's overlap in our social networks. Oh, I seem a bunch too. Oh God. Garden party. Enforced garden party. Oh god. With your coworker. Let's just pause right there. Why you shitting where you sleep by day? Don't do that. Uh my meta and I are friendly and say hi, but we don't hang out really. Okay, totally uh valid. We met up once before to check in and discuss how we could navigate things. Then want to meet up again. And imagining we'll check in with each other and about how we're handling things. You know what? It's totally a thing you could do once a quarter check-ins, once a year check-ins, once a 10-year check-in. That is totally fine. You don't have to check in if you don't want to. Oh boy, why do I feel like there's something afoot here? Is it appropriate to bring up issues I've had with broken agreements boundaries with my partner in this check-in? Between you and them or them and them? That is my question. 100% not appropriate to bring up something with your partner involved. Ugh. If you have a broken agreement with your meta, then yes. I'm just gonna tell you from past experience, do not talk about your partner with your meta. That is a horrible thing. That will just lead to chaos. I've not heard that anywhere, including Reddit, and in my personal life, where that worked out fantastically. Do not do that. On the on the one hand, I don't think I need to go into specifics and not everything. For the love of God Almighty, whichever one you praise to, do not talk about sexual stuff with your metal. Why? I say that from personality, but my own subjective experience. Don't do that. Oh, terrible. Even if you're an a thruple, don't uh no, don't do that. Uh god. But also, some of these broken agreements have been very defining of my experience. And if someone asks me how I'm doing with it, I'm not going to say just something fake. Okay. Anyway, just trying to suss out what feels important to share from my experience and not dump on my meta. I think I'm just going to ask what they're comfortable with hearing if it comes up. But I wanted to gouge Reddit community. Um, should you gouge Reddit community? What the fuck? Okay. I mean, yes to everything and also no to everything. Ask your meta what they're comfortable with knowing. That's totally a negotiable thing. I do that with partners as well. What do you want to know? So-and-so's favorite sex position is from the back, doggy style. Um, one partner probably does not want to hear that about another partner. Like, some people just like tell me everything, but yet you don't you don't want to hear that their big toe is their button. That's how I get them wet and juicy. I suck them that big toe with that ingrown toenail, and they love it. Like, who wants to know that? Nobody why would you want to know that shit? Fucking crazy. Okay, so I only got to three stories. So what the fuck, phone? Okay, so I will put those in the description and try to remember myself remind myself now because I did not run, I did not have enough time. I will come back to this because there's one that is um tenants of polyamory for the newbies in the um polyamory subreddit. So I would definitely want to talk about that at some point, but I don't have enough time now because I ran out of time. But yeah, communication. First of all, you should have a negotiation about information sharing with your partner before you start including other people. And this fool is dating somebody from their job. I know people have found spouses and um marriage through job circumstances or even friend circumstances, that's a common thing. But yeah, when you're talking about non-monogamy and you're doing stuff at work too, like I wouldn't do it if I was monogamous, wouldn't be dating somebody at my job unless they're one of us is leaving at some point. Especially, definitely not if we're both gonna be staying there for a while. That's absolute ridiculousness. And number two, if you add non-monogamy on top of that, and in a small town, shitting where you sleep, that shit's crazy. But I guess you have less choices in a small town. Being in a bigger city does give it its advantages, especially if it's like a transient town where tourists and shit are here because people just rotating in and out all willy-nilly, and being in the south is like all the northern people are trying to get away from the cold, which that makes total sense. And then some people are leaving to go to the cold like a bunch of idiots, and it's totally a thing that could happen, so yeah, that convenient thing is, but god oh, small you doing all that shit, and then 100% negotiate with your partner. You should have the conversation with your partner what information they want to share before you even talk to your meta, go start with that first, and then talk to your meta about what they want to share and all that stuff. But per Julius' advice, don't talk about your partner with your meta, just don't, because then it becomes a gossiping session, and you realize you're both sleeping with the same person. It's like if they have a thing that you don't like sexually, and you talk to your meta about it, and then they like they like that, it's like fucking awkward conversation up to 9,000 on that point. Like, it's horrible. Don't do it. Ask somebody that's been in a thruple and had their partners meet each other, and I was there for some of it, and sometimes I wasn't. It's like information sharing sucks, yeah. And especially if you are dating the same people, just trust me. In a thruple, especially in that situation, that's like the high level right there, because everybody's dating everybody. Do not share grievances about your partner because that's also your partner's partner, and your partner, it's no, it's just oh god. Watermelon white qual, tasty, zero grams of protein. Okay, not a protein supplement. Alright. Final thoughts on all this. Reddit is still great for getting questions and answers, even though the questions are the same fucking ones a lot of the times or half the times. Still, I will say, same questions, different answers, though. Unless it's somebody that just peruses Reddit all the time. I see the same screen name come up and see similar answers on some of these questions, even though it's the same question. They just kind of copy and paste an answer, and it's like, alright. And you guys didn't get to the article that I was gonna read next, where somebody was just like the overall basics of polyamory for the newbies. That I feel like that one should be pinned at the top of Reddit. Maybe I'll get to that one someday. Foreshadowing part two at some point. Okay, but that's all for now. Enjoy talking with y'all and ranting for y'all, and thank you for all the campsters that listen to all this. Please go on the socials and email in the emails and um ask me questions. I will keep answering the questions on Reddit, even though I don't know if you guys like that or not. But I enjoy it because they have some good questions. Once again, I always always be a Redditor for all the different things that I do, just basically research for my own purposes and for episodes and classes. I will continue to use Reddit because it is a great resource. Okay, that's all for now. If you want to hear Julius Rant some more, make sure you listen Thursdays around noon Eastern and watch on Fridays around noon Eastern on the YouTubes. That's all for now. This is Around the Kiki Campfire. I am Julius Marquise, H H Julius Marquise, because I'm fancy, and I'll catch you next time. Hello.