You Said “Kind,” Your Brain Said “Hot” | Stated vs Revealed Preferences | S4 EP117

Ever notice how your carefully crafted “ideal partner” list evaporates the second someone magnetic walks into the room? We dive into the gap between what we say we want—kindness, intelligence, emotional steadiness—and what our choices reveal when chemistry, scent, and spark take the lead.

Guided by speed dating research, classic behavioral economics, and lived experience, we map out how dopamine, pheromones, and high-arousal settings push us toward fast, visceral picks. We break down social desirability bias—why our stated preferences skew toward traits that sound good—and show how context and peer pressure shape who we actually pursue. From the Mike Tyson truth of getting “punched in the face” by attraction to the subtle pull of smelling right to each other, we connect the science to the moments that keep derailing our relationships.

Then we get practical. We share ways to slow the funnel, give slow-burn matches a fair shot, and design guardrails that keep values from getting bulldozed by looks. You’ll learn how to use red tests instead of red flag lists, spot genuine repair skills, and separate halo effects from real compatibility. We even borrow from revealed preference theory to help you measure choices under real constraints, not just idealized lists. If you’re tired of burning out after the honeymoon phase or picking partners who look perfect until the first conflict, this conversation offers a clear path to align biology with long-term fit.

Listen, reflect, and try the tools on your next date. If this helped, follow the show, share it with a friend who’s stuck in a chemistry loop, and leave a quick review—what trait actually sways you first?

Related link-

https://grokipedia.com/page/Stated_and_Revealed_Preferences_in_Relationships

1/6/26

1/6/26

Transcript

Defining Stated Vs Revealed Preferences

Speed Dating As A Real-World Test

Dopamine, Chemistry, And The Honeymoon Trap

Pheromones And Physical Cues

Why We Overrate Ideals And Underrate Attraction

Classic Studies And What They Prove

SPEAKER_00 0:51

Welcome back everybody to another episode of Round the Kinky Campfire. This is your superfluous host, HH Julius Marquis. I'm here for y'all again with another another excellent episode. And you can just call me Julius if you're feeling less fancy. And I have another topic for you here today. But before we get into that, as y'all know, it is time for our ASMR five seconds. The ice is very clingy in here if y'all can't hear it. So it is still very cold. But once again, in my very fancy cup, I have Swauza Hacienda Tequila. Still not sponsored. But we're gonna start now on the ASMR in five seconds, and three, two, one. Oh, it's so cold. Oh goodness. Okay. Whew! I think I actually made it to five seconds there, maybe even six seconds. Hey oh, and uh six, seven. Alright. And today's topic is revealed versus stated relationship preferences. We have an article here from Grogue Media, and hopefully I will once again put the link in the description. I'm gonna talk to my future self again. If I don't do it, somebody remind me in the comments. I'll I'll put it in there. Alright, so if y'all haven't heard this yet, there's been a little bit of study being done now on this on this topic where stated preferences, as so defined in this article, are traits people say they say they want in a partner, like kindness, intelligence, uh being nice to waiters, wait staff, holding doors open, those kind of things. Romantic gestures. Um stated preferences in romantic relationships refer to the explicit, consciously articulated so many big words, desires that individuals report for traits and potential partners. Uh these preferences represent aspirational ideas and actual behaviors. Okay? Those are what those are. Revealed preferences, on the other hand, are the attributes that actually drive their attraction and relationship choices in reality. For example, physical attraction and chemistry. Now, wanted to give those definitions. Oh, okay, hold on. Let me give the examples for the revealed. Um, claim to value stated does not always align with what they fall for or revealed. Okay. Revealed preferences are often driven by subconscious factors and immediate physical attraction rather than long-term articulated ideas. Okay. So, oh, there's more to reveal preference. Hold on before I keep going. Uh refer revealed preferences refer to implicit desires and priorities that individuals demonstrate through their actual behaviors and choices in partner selection rather than what they explicitly report. These preferences are inferred from observational actions such as whom people decide to date, interact with, or rate highly in real-world scenarios, even if these choices contradict their stated ideas. Highlights how subconscious or situational factors can influence romantic decisions, providing a more accurate reflection of what truly drives attraction in practice. So we have a uh conflict here, people. Um what people are stating they want is not what is happening when they actually get into a relationship with somebody. Or the people they attract. The people they are attracted to uh is uh interesting. So I came across this recently during uh an episode of Modern Wisdom with Chris Williams. It was his uh great podcast, and he mentioned this whole entire um dilemma um philosophy uh findings? I'll say findings because there's a lot of when I research this whole entire topic, there is a uh revealed um uh studies that are done, but they are so a little disclaimer here the studies that were done are what people decided to talk about or observed. A lot of it was like on a speed dating um uh experiment that happened. So people would state what they want beforehand and then they go into the speed dating, and the people that they choose Okay, hold on a second. People that I gotta back up for people that don't know how speed dating works, my married people, not really, but yes, when you go on a speed date, okay, there is a point before you go on the speed dating where they give out the the the rules of what's gonna happen. Basically, in general, you have two minutes to talk to a person and then you move on to the next person. Hopefully you get to talk to everybody that came there. Most of them are straight people, so you talk to guys, talk to every woman, every woman, every woman in there, and then you decide like with a piece of paper or with an app or whatever, because more modern times, if you want to contact that person, and they even made it more like uh dating apps where they both people have to say they want to contact people just so people don't have their feelings hurt and be like, Oh, I want to contact this person, but this person doesn't want to talk to you. It's like okay, you won't even know if that person was interested or not because you won't match. So you'll say all the people you want to talk to, and then they have a choice to contact you back after you guys match if you want to. There's a whole lot of walls now. Used to be just like a piece of paper. You just hand out anybody you want to talk to, you just give them your contact information information, and then you hear from them or you don't. That's it. Uh, but yeah, people are getting a lot nicer nowadays with this whole entire thing. But, anyways, for people that don't know, that's how speed dating works. And of course, you have this whole entire thing when you're going in there. Oh, I want this kind person, oh, I want the smart person, but then I end up talking to the hot person. Jumping to the end of the article is pretty much what happened. It's like, uh, why are these people saying they want one thing and going for another? It's called dopamine. I mean, cut to the chase there. That's the the research answer, but it's like this is constantly happening, and it really keyed off this whole findings keyed off with me because state of versus revealed preference, there's always gonna be a discrepancy. Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face. That's a Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson quote, but it is kind of true for all different kinds of things. Until you get hit in the face with that one attractive person, it's like, oh yeah, I want all these different things, but I see that person that just gets my rocks off. I'm gonna go ahead and I'm gonna talk to them. And it's like hopefully they like me back. And it's like, yeah, people ain't talking because once you get into the whole long-term thing, and then not really in this article, because it was just talking about the initial attraction, but as you go on, you know, the honeymoon phase is over. Then you get into phase two where it's like, all right, so I was promised all these things. Are you gonna give me what I asked for? Or is the you know oxy oxytocin gonna start kicking in, or are we still living in our dopamine? And that's when a lot of people just kind of start breaking up because it's like, oh, the dopamine hit was great in the beginning. Oh, this person's super attractive, but they're not long-term material, marriage material if you believe in that kind of thing. Mm-hmm, Tequila, not sponsored. Um, and it's like, okay, this is great. This is this is perfect, because not a lot of people realize this is what's going on. And of course, people have their like red flag list and their preferred partner list. Oh, you've got to be 6'5, make six figures, blah, blah, blah. The stupid, stupid thing that people have. I'm not saying who exactly. I think y'all know who I'm talking about, though. And of course, it happens on the other end too, and it's like, why are we doing this? Why are we doing this? We know attraction is a thing. Why are we leaning with our little brain people? It's the dopamine hit. This is why I have a podcast, because I have to talk about stuff like this. We know it's a thing. People do research on this, but yet people are living in their willful ignorance, willful ignorance, and not looking this stuff up. If you're like, why am I single so hard? I find I always talk to the wrong people. Maybe because you're thinking with your little brain all the time. How about that? Think about that right now. You have preferences, the stated ones. Let's focus on those. Of course, I'm saying this from my a spec self where sex is not my motivation, so I can speak on my hot horse a little bit because it's like, okay, I have uh libido and I have urges, but it's like, okay, I can put those off to the side and not think about them. Playing times where I'm attracted to somebody, but then I start talking to them, and it's like, uh that's a thing. All right, so let's stop doing that. Obviously, I'm talking about my people that A are single and upset about it, and two, uh, are in relationships that they they feel are not working out or right or correct, and it's like, let's take a step back and think about some of the things we've been doing. Okay, all right. Key differences in preferences stated, let's see, people often prioritize traits like intelligence, emotional stability, kindness, and humor as their top uh desires, but then with revealed in contrast, factors like relu physical attractiveness, sexual chemistry, and smelling good are strong predicators of actual attraction. All right, so that smelling good is a very crucial part. Because there's a thing called pheromones, okay? Those are a thing. Certain people you're just attracted to their essence. And you don't know why. It's because pheromones, people, that's a thing in science that has been researched. That is an actual thing. People just smell better to certain other people, and you get attracted to it. Those are all the things that happen in the world that are actual factual. We have to take those into consideration. And also, work on our observation skills and learn that there's things like state and reveal preferences and um work on our gut feeling. There's times there's like, ooh, I'm really attracted to this person, but the fire alarms are going off, and it's like maybe you shouldn't talk to them because they're nuts. Okay, more on the discrepancy. Research indicates little correlation between what people claim to want and what they are actually attracted to. Oh yeah, because people are nuts. Traits like being considerate or patient are frequently overestimated in state or preferences, while physical, sexual, and chemical factors are uh underestimated. People say they want something, kindness, patience, all these kind of things. But then they're attracted to, I don't know, wide shoulders, a nice butt, good teeth. I mean, it's good that people pay attention to those kind of things. Maybe it's like a um just a whole entire like a facade where they're working on those things and they know attract people, and then they're just a shitty person underneath. You know, let's you know, let's ask these questions before we can get into relationships with these people. There's a whole study that I'm reading to y'all. Hopefully somebody's getting this information to be like, oh my god, there's a study for this? Yes, because this is such a prevalent thing in society. Why do people research this stuff? I don't know, because some people care about it. What are we doing here, people? Okay. Why they differ? Stated preferences are often influenced by sus social desirability, cultural norms, and conscious ideals, while revealed preferences are influenced by unconscious, visceral, and biological drivers. Because you got horny, that's why. You got horny. You saw that person when you wanted to bone them. Obviously, I'm talking to the majority here. There are fellow people like myself that are on the a spectrum where we have the horniness going on. So if y'all don't know my allosexual people, people that just can have sex without feelings and on that side of the spectrum, however you vary. There are those of us that can have the sexual thing and just be like, not act on it. So I have this like sexual monster that's floating around up here, and it's like but I'm like, okay, I can point to it and be like, that's a thing, and keep on moving. Otherwise. Alright. There was a study back in 2008 by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel. Participants, here we go. The speed dating events revealed preferences like for partners who are physically attractive or met as measured by their decisions to preserve further contact regardless of prior stated criteria, like personality traits, of course. You saw the hot person and you wanted to bone them again. Study found the participants showed greater romantic interest in partners with high values of desirable characteristics with no evidence of preferences for similarity in desirable levels. And that's where the trap happens. Demonstrates how reveal preferences capture the dynamic, context, dependent nature of attraction that emerges in live settings. So you're in a highly stressful situation for most of us that are introverts, a social situation. This is why I actually do not like speed dating. I've never done speed dating because first of all, two minutes is not long enough to talk to somebody. And second of all, you got you got to do that multiple times. It's like I don't want to. Some people you just don't want to talk to, and it's like that that's awkward. And then the person you are attracted to sees you being awkward with the person, and then they're like, oh, this is an awkward person. If they're awkward, that person, not knowing whether or not they're you're attracted to them or not, not knowing you're getting a bad vibe, or maybe even before you saw that person being rude to the wait staff or something beforehand, and there's like no context whatsoever. So it's like, oh, that's terrible. But then it's like, so already a highly stressful situation, and then you're supposed to talk to multiple people. It's like that does not work out, and then of course, you're in a high stress situation because we know people in high stress situations usually end up being attracted to each other. That's an actual thing. So if you're in a I don't know, like a disaster situation, an earthquake, forest fire, whatever have you, it's been shown that attraction between people that go through those situations together goes up. So already, already stressed out in a social situation, and then you're gonna throw speed dating on top of that. Of course, you're gonna go in your carnal desires. Makes perfect sense. Well, at least it did to me when I read this article. Okay, adapts the found- let's go back. Adapts the foundation foundational economic theory originally proposed by Paul Samuelson in 1938. So we're going all the way back to 1938. Like 70 years earlier, 80 years. I can math. Posits that consumer choices in markets reveal true utility maximization under budget constraints. So, what that means there is economic theory correlates to attraction or date uh theory, relationship theory, uh preferences, and all this kind of stuff. Which is actually funny because if you know anything about advertising and promotion, how do they get you to buy, how do companies get you to buy their crap? They trigger your attraction. Oh, let me put this hot person on there in their underwear on our ad. Then you'll want to buy our perfume or fruit, whatever. Have you anybody seen the Hardy's commercial where the lady is suctionally sucking down the greasy ass cheeseburger? Oh man, I want me a Hardy's burger at that point in time. Yeah, okay. So if you got if y'all don't realize that this is all correlated together, I don't know what you're doing here. Okay. Alright, so economic theory. This theory is extended to non-market contexts where choices like selecting a date from available options reveal preferences without the structure of prices or transactions, emphasizing behavior observation over hypothetical scenarios. Okay. So I say I want one thing, but then when I actually get down there, boots on the ground, whole totally different situation. I do that as well. Not gonna lie, even my aspects self, I do that all the time. When I see somebody attractive out when I'm cruising the town, cruising? Perusing the town? Out there having fun. Let's just say that. Out there having fun, it's a high stress situation. I'm usually more incentivized to talk to people that I'm more attracted to, usually in the physical sense. When I have had people try to talk to me that I'm not necessarily physically attracted to, but I could kind of tell they were sort of into me, but it was like, eh. Because in my dopamine field, I am um one of those people that is um, yeah, it happens. Telling y'all right now, this study is very accurate. If y'all don't know and take a look and do your own research on this whole entire thing, work on it yourself. I will be meditating about this for a long time. I'll tell you that right now. Okay. Stated references and romantic relationships represent the conscious, explicitly explicitly articulated desires individuals report for ideal partners, often reflecting idealistic or socially influenced standards. We are 100% socially conditioned. That's how it is. Of course, everybody wants a nice person, everybody wants a kind person. Yes, we all do. But then why do we still date assholes? Because it's fun. Reveal preferences manifest through pragmatic behaviors and actual partner selections, such as choices made during interactions or dating scenarios. Yep, that's how it happens. That is how it happens. Probably we don't realize it until we're actually into the whole entire thing. And once again, campusers, I have put so much information that I don't have enough time to talk about it. Okay, let me see if I can wrap this up. Research on stated and revealed preferences in romantic relationships is successful success susceptible to several common biases that can determine that can undermine the validity of findings. Stated preference measures social desirability bias often leads participants to report idealized traits they believe are socially acceptable, such as emphasizing kindness and intelligence over more controversial attributes like physical attractiveness, thereby distorting the true hierarchy of desires. You don't say. Oh, this thing is jumping around. Great, awesome. And it just jumped around, lost my place. Okay, here we go. Reveal preference experiments, observer effects can alter participants' behavior. For instance, the presence of researchers or structured settings may cause individuals to make choices that align with perceived expectations rather than genuine inclinations as seen in controlled attraction studies where awareness of observation influences decision making. So, how many of us have gone out perusing the town? Still not the right term, have gone out and with friends, and your friends have influenced your mate selection process. I know for me, might not go for the less attractive person, especially when I was younger. Very terrible, because I wanted my friends to like them as well and like approve of them. Even though I hadn't talked to them, it's like, oh god, why? Oh goodness gracious. So terrible. But we were all there. Ugh. Yeah, so hopefully you have good friends that will help you make good decisions when it comes to that kind of thing. Um, but yeah, so they're talking about uh observers and researchers that were observing the the speed dating experiments, but I would argue your friends are good at that as well, and hopefully you have good friends. Um but once again I ran out of time. Hopefully, somebody learned a little something does their research afterwards. But if you have questions, feel free to hit me on the Instagrams, the YouTubes, and the emails uh that are talked about in the intro, in the outro. Um, but once again, hopefully you learned a little something. Everybody learned a little something, and please check out uh Chris Williamson uh uh podcast. Yeah, modern wisdom, great podcast. Get a lot of good topics off of there, and hopefully you can relate them to the the kinky side of things, also the monogamous side of things. But for now, this is around the kinky campfire and not sponsored Swalza in there and feeling good with the Tequila, and this is Julius Marquis, HH Julius here for y'all, and we'll have another episode for you next week. But for now, that is all. Hello.