Chalant Dating, Explained | S4 EP119

Tired of guessing games and six-hour reply gaps? We’re tossing nonchalant dating in the bin and making a passionate case for chalant dating: visible effort, real plans, and vulnerability that actually moves relationships forward. Julius gets candid about how “acting cool” cost him promising connections in the past, then lays out a grounded, repeatable approach to show care without overdoing it. If you’ve ever wondered how to balance enthusiasm with boundaries, or how to make casual dating intentional, this one’s for you.

We start by naming the problem: indifference isn’t attractive, it’s uncertain. From there, we break chalant dating into clear habits anyone can try today. Logistics beat lip service—offer a specific time, place, and a plan B instead of “let me know.” Listening is magnetic—reference details your date mentioned and turn them into thoughtful choices. Rejection still stings, but it’s not a verdict on your worth; it’s data that helps you find fit faster. And yes, vulnerability is the flex: showing interest openly creates the safety and momentum that keep two people coming back.

We also unpack a cultural shift our feeds and apps reflect: emotional availability, consistency, and respect now rank higher than income for many daters. As independence rises, so does the desire for partners who follow through. That means both people plan, both people check in, and both people invest in the small behaviors that build trust. Whether your rhythm is weekly dates or long intervals, you can keep enthusiasm alive with steady communication, negotiated expectations, and care that’s easy to feel.

If you’re ready to replace mixed signals with meaningful signals, to make plans that stick, and to love out loud without losing yourself, press play. Then tell us your best “effort over income” story, share how you’ve made logistics a love language, and drop a review so more folks can find the show. Subscribe, share with a friend who needs the nudge, and let’s make chalant the norm.

Reference link - https://www.cosmopolitan.com/relationships/a69033235/chalance-tiktok-dating/

1/6/26

1/6/26

Transcript

Welcome And Housekeeping

SPEAKER_00 0:50

Hello everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Around the Kiki Hangfire. This is your host, uh Julius Marquise. I'm here for you, and I'm doing an accent of a multiple different things, but you can call me just Julius. Go back to my regular voice. And we have another episode of Around the Kinky Campfire for you. New episodes on Thursdays and video episodes on Fridays on the YouTubes. Please come check us out. Likes, subscribe, rate, and all those different things on all the on the platforms. And uh, if you feel fancy, you can go to the other ones and rate and like those as well and comment on all the different things. Because you can comment on Spotify and iTunes now. Hey, look at there, learning new stuff. Anyways, we have another episode or uh topic, we have another uh topic for this episode for you. Alright. Well before we do, of course, we have to get into the ASMR two seconds now that it's going down. Um, once again, have not sponsored Sparkling Ice Caffeine. This is pretty much all I drink as far as caffeine stuff, and this stuff is freaking delicious. Blue Raspberry once again, and then we're gonna count down this time from three, two, one. Still cold, oh god, and tasty. Blue raspberry, delicious! Not sponsored, but we'd like to be. If you want to get sponsorship, let me know. Be great. Okay, back to it. So, we have a thing that has been going around recently for 2026, and I've been called to give my opinion on it. By no one in particular except for myself. I called myself to give an opinion on this because it's a very interesting topic that is going around now in the dating world, which is kind of crazy to me, because I've been doing this on a regular basis. So I wonder why it was a thing um last year uh not to do, but then this year it's a thing to do. It's like I've been doing this for many decades now in my dating in my dating experience. Just had a stutter there a little bit because I'm thinking back now. I'm like, I'm pretty sure I've been doing this the whole entire time. Um, but not to bury the lead and drag it on anymore. This is a phrase, trend called shalant dating, in opposite of non-chalant dating, which non-chalant dating is weird to me in the general sense. Uh, after doing a little bit of research, and of course, I knew about the casual dating trends and situationships of the last few years, and people just like trying to be cool about it and not actually say they're in a relationship or work towards being in a relationship, which I don't know what the fuck those people are thinking. Um, but I'm glad to see that shallant dating or intentional dating is a thing for 2026. So just keep that going. Uh yeah, pretending not to care and being uh detached from relationship is like, why are we even with these people uh in general? Done does not make any sense to me. What are we doing here? Okay, so instead of nonchalant, let's talk about chalant dating, is all about putting invisible effort and being invulnerable, even at the risk of rejection. Yeah, so a lot of people are scared of rejection. Oh, yeah, okay, that's the thing. Yes, validate your experience. It sucks. Some people physically feel rejection in their bones, their skin, and all their organs, okay? And yes, it does physically suck at times to get rejected, okay? That's a thing that happens. We we experience that. Let's have the trial and error to be vulnerable, especially with a potential partner. Now, if you go on and just fucking around, I have no comment for you. I've never been part of the hookup culture, I don't understand short-term commitments or situations. Um, I will date somebody casually, totally a thing, but it will be with intent and long-term, long-term casual, totally fine with that. I don't understand short-term um businesses, business dealings, and vulnerability as a avoidant type person that is still working on that, getting closer to being secure, being vulnerable to somebody that takes advantage of it does suck. I'm not here to invalidate your experience, okay? It does suck, but in spite of that, most of us, a lot of us, crave to be not alone, okay? We want companionship in all the different forms, whatever your category is. Super generalizing here, that's totally a thing. You can have all kinds of different companionships however you want. But guess what? You gotta be invulnerable to have partners that want to be vulnerable and stay with you. That's 100% a thing. And sometimes, you know, people just have different ways of expressing that, experiencing that, and also taking that in and different ways of validating in their own right. Okay? But let's go ahead and just intentionally do it. Okay? With effort, visible effort, right there in the in the definition. After years where dating has felt like the battle who can care less, people are finally done playing games and waiting six hours to text someone back. Playing games, oh god. Uh ready for romance, yearning and effort. Yearning, yeah. That sounds like a courting. People don't court people anymore. That's not a thing that people do anymore. All right, I gotta lean back on this. This is about to get fired up. Julie's gonna get fired up on this topic because I don't understand this whole business of what the nonchalant dating was anyway. Ugh. Good lord. Uh who could care less? Why are you even uh why would even why are you even dating at that point? Like for real. Ugh. The term chalant, an antonym to nonchalant, has become a bit of playful shorthand for daters who want to make it abundantly clear that they want serious commitment and general effort in a partner, not the afterthought through treatment. Nobody wants that. Why would you think you can get a relationship with somebody that wants that? Ugh. In advertising, they're seeking in chalants. Singles are making it known that they're looking for the opposite of someone who's nonchalant. Indifferent, apathetic, and casual about dating. Basically, to date with chalants is to be unabashedly enthusiastically all in with somebody not afraid to show it. Okay. Obviously, they're using a different version of casual than I'm using. I say casual as in the time in there, but I will still intentionally date and work on relationships building skills with a partner, but we don't need to be like progressing towards living with each other or like seeing each other every day, all those different kinds of things. Because I, Julius, will still work with a partner, even if I see them like once a month, once every two months, once every six months, comic partner, however have you, there's still ways of communicating and negotiating, communicating with a partner that you don't actually physically see on a regular basis, that you can still connect in a certain way, um, without without the nonchalantness of it, acting cool and uh uh I'm always enthusiastically all in, otherwise, I would not date the person. What is going on? Okay, anyways, we're getting away from that. While Chalance dating while sh oh goodness, while Chalance has taken over the apps, the concept isn't exclusively to the dating world. On social media, the term sometimes functions as a kinder way to identify over-the-top tryhard behavior. Ooh, do we know what tryhard means, camsters? Try hard are people that uh try hard, huh? That are actually focusing in and trying to do their best and maximizing the opportunity. Um, so that's a try hard thing, comes with video games. Uh, such as over okay, such as overanalyzing casual interactions or freely expressing emotions in public. If a challenge person finds something exciting, they'll show it instead of trending pretending to be immune to the human condition of giddiness. So acting cool is not a thing anymore, apparently. Oh, I love this. Okay. Ultimately, Chalant is more than a TikTok trend or a bit of Gen Z slang. Call me overly optimistic. That's not me, the the author of this whole entire thing. Which once again, I'll put the link in the description. I will put the link in the description, hopefully, before the episode comes out. But if not, hopefully less than a week, then it goes out. So you have plus or minus a week. You don't know about the plus part. Uh but the age of Sean seems to signal a positive shift in modern dating culture after years of emotional investment in relationships being treated as embarrassing, too vulnerable, or even cringe, people are done playing it cool and are actively seeking partners who are willing to love out loud. That's so crazy. Why is it cringe to show emotion for a partner? That why is that even a thing? Oh god. Let's see here. Okay, the background backstory of Chalant, the term Chalant dating, is 2025 trend prioritizing towards the end of 2025. Um, active effort over the detached nonchalant attitude signaling a 217% increase. More than double in popularity. More than triple, two times. Yeah. Two point two two two times two. Math. Uh it involves consistent communication, intentional planning, and showing gender interest rather than playing games, aiming for deeper, more secure, and meaningful current connections. Oh god, why? Why would you do this? Oh my god. Showing genuine interest. Oh no, showing genuine interest in somebody like how could you? Oh okay. Key aspects of challenged dating. One, active effort moving away from cool detachment to showing you care. That's such a triggery thing to me. It's like, why would you try to be cool? Because I, too, when I was younger, many, many years ago, tried to act cool and thought that was cool for a partner to see me acting cool and then that thus they would think I was cool and then like me more, which is stupid. Lost a lot of relationships that way, people. That's how you lose relationships. People don't think you care about them and find them a priority, they're not gonna want to stay with you. They'll find other people that do. Ugh Okay, another one is clear communication, proactively reaching out and not leaving things ambiguous. Hey, I like you, and I'm gonna tell you I like you. If you don't like me, then we can keep it moving. Ugh. Intentionality, planning thoughtful dates based on partners' preferences, don't just leave it out in the boo. Hey, we'll hang out at some time. Ew, no, horrible. Plan a date. Ugh, set a time and a place. Ugh. Vulnerability. Big one here. Embracing the risk of being enthusiastic rather than pretending to indifference. So yeah, you gotta be vulnerable and you might get hurt. Oh no, that's a thing. Yep, you might get hurt. Yet you gotta keep doing it anyway. Good old trial and error. Rejection sucks. You're not invalidated here. I feel you. I'm not even talking from a place of higher higher station. Okay, I'm not talking down to you. This is 100% a thing. You will get rejected over and over again, even if you know all these things. Trust me, even if you do years and years and years of research and try to go out there and date, you will still get rejected. Some people just ain't into you. But we gotta be vulnerable, otherwise, you will lose a partner that you like because you're not being vulnerable enough. Oh man. Well, of course, it's gotta be within reason because yeah, the whole crying man thing is still a thing out there. Hypocritical. Anyways, it's a whole different topic. We're we're about putting ourselves out there, not holding not building a wall, okay? Alright. This trend, often cited in Hinge 2020 reports, any case a shift toward valuating emotional availability and consistent thoughtful action over mind games. So, yeah, I am a big fan of Hinge. I've found a few people on Hinge that I like to talk to. It's a great app for, especially for our queer folks, because you can put all different kinds of relationships on there. And fortunately, I find people that aren't interested in having kids, because that's the track I'm on, and it's been very great. So, another reason why I came across this trend and wanted to talk about it. Big fan. Not sponsored by Hinge, but I would love it. Okay, people are looking beyond superficial aspects when asked men and women, the traits they define as high value. The top traits women told us were emotional availability, always want the emotional availability, acknowledgement, respect, consistent communication, and then on the other hand, for men, high value is somebody who's willing to build a relationship, kind and loyal. Yeah, loyalty is great. I give good loyalty. Build on the relationship and emotional intelligence slash availability. Oh, pulls on my heartstrings, such good words there. Building towards the relationships. I actually say want to go through the Gottman method on my profiles. I'm a big fan of that. Let's work on it. The Gottmans, if you don't know about it, um, older couple, but they know about relationships and building them. It's like the number one couples therapists out in the world. They have a whole method and they can predict what a couple's gonna be broken up after a certain time. All those good stuff. I want to go through that with everybody. So I'm committed to relationships. Okay. Let's see. See we're seeing that financial providers are no longer the primary marker of desirable traits for women. In fact, 72% of heterosexual women on hinge say they care about a partner's effort in building relationships, then about their income. Also, cancers, if you do not know, more than half of the people that are like with college degrees now and adults are women, so women are able to provide for themselves. Uh, guys. Um talking very generalized in a heteronormative way, but as y'all queer folk know, that um this is not just related to a gender specific thing. Let's just say, in general, people are able to financially support themselves, so they'll need that, but emotions are still a thing, and being available and intelligent and those kind of things does get you better partners. I will say from my personal experience, that is 100% a thing. Being more emotionally available gets you better quality partners. Okay, so this is trial and error on Julius' part, and letting y'all know. Okay, the move towards chalant dating reflects a broader cultural reset. People are seeking relationships that feel more intentional, consistent, and emotionally engaged. Woo-hoo! So good. So, so good. Okay. For many women, increased independence through career advancement and education has redefined what they want in a partner. They're not just looking for a provider, they're now seeking something more nuanced, looking for more something that demonstrates they care through actions. So not only do you have to speak the words, you have to back up what you say. Mm-mm, yummy. Some good blue raspberry burps right there. Shocking. As people get more educated, they want more companionship versus somebody that is providing for them. So the money ain't gonna help you. All that bull crap that we were taught growing up is not true. Get a job and then you'll get a partner. Nope. You gotta work on your emotion and communication skills. Letting y'all know, people. Alright, I'm not just ranting on my whore, high horse because I feel like it. I feel like people should know this. Okay, not for my own benefit. It's because I've experienced it and putting it out there. Okay. Back to the thing. At the same time, many men are rethinking how they show up in relationships, their growing awareness that true masculinity isn't rooted in stoics, rooted in stoicism and emotional detachment, but rather vulnerability and following through. 60% of heterosexual men say that planning consistent dates is an important part of how of how they engage in romantic relationships, a sign that many are recognizing how meaningful making a plan truly is. Okay. So it said heterosexual males, but of course we know that that also helps even in the queer world. Oh my goodness, plan a date that shows you care. Shocking. Shocking. We're in the age of a planner. People are looking for someone who makes a plan and follows through. 80%, 84% of women on hinge planning a thoughtful date is more impressive than spending a lot of money. 70% 74% say making specific plans in advance is a key signal of effort. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Making a plan is a signal of effort? Shocking. Planning ahead shows effort and thoughtfulness is no longer about one person being a provider, rather, it's about both people building something together. Let's make a plan. And I would argue that the women can do it too. Both people should 50-50 figure out plans for dates. That's 100%. That lets me know that you're interested. Let everybody know you're interested. Good lord. Okay, steps. Really quick. What's the time that I have left to show that you're a shallant dater? Focus on planning, not paying. Logistics are the new love language. Make a reservation. Have a plan B. Oh man, say something other than let me know what sounds good to you. Oh goodness. Uh they uh women say they care more about finding a partner who puts in effort than one with a higher income. Okay, I keep saying that over again. That's hilarious. Let me know what sounds good to you. Okay, so that's part of the rejection thing because I come up with a date and my partner's like, yeah, shut it down. Okay, well you put in something. I believe in mutually satisfactory dates and mutually f mutual efforts in planning the date. Okay, if I have a plan you don't like it, then come up with something. Not just lean back and let some one person do all the different things. Okay, number two, show that you've been listening. Thoughtful date is more impressive than an expensive one. Bringing over Burmese food because she mentioned she's never tried it, or buying him a share vinyl because he said he loves her. Wow, that's a reference. A share vinyl. How old is this? I thought this was from this year. They said share vinyl. Oh my god, that's so funny. What a reference! Oh shit. Okay, uh, let's see. Climb re climb cringe mountain. 95% of hinge daters worry about rejection. Yep. That fear keeps people from expressing general interests. Shallant daters and branches embrace the cringe and are willing to hear a few no's on their way to a yes. Rejection is redirection. Ooh, that's a new one. You're getting closer and closer to what is right for you every time you get turned down. So, yeah, if you're not going out there and trial and error in this thing and figure out what you want, how are you gonna know what you want, people? Rejection is a thing. You get rejected all the time. I'm sure you're sure back in school, a lot of us failed tests, uh, failed a test at least once. And yeah, how do you know you're gonna get better? How do you know what you need to improve? How you know what you have to find what you want? The perfect partners, I'm just gonna walk up to your door and knock on it. That'd have been funny if somebody was coming over and they would have knocked on the door. I'm like, oh, they I lied. That'd been hilarious. Anyways, uh, yeah, so go in there and date with intent, camsters, because that's how you find partners. Literally read a whole article right there, and that was just from Hinge. Not from Hinge, based off of Hinge. Pretty sure a lot of the apps are seeing similar things that the people put them in their profiles. Good lord, why was that even a thing? I would burn down the whole concept of nonchalant dating and acting cool. Because it triggers me. Core memory. I thought that was cool to be cool. It was cool to be to act cool back in the day. So I was very guilty of that until I realized, oh, this is not a thing and dated intentionally for many years. Now I come to find out people were doing that more recently and finally getting away. I'm glad I didn't know about this when it was happening. You would have heard a couple of rants on here from me about that. I ranted a little bit about that kind of stuff. Um, but not I didn't know it was like a trend or whatever. Ugh, terrible. Okay, anyways, let's clap and applaud that now we're on the Chalant Train. Then that was almost an acronym. Chalant Train back on here in 2026. Go out there and try these skills, be vulnerable people, work on that emotional availability, and get out there and find you a partner. And if you have any questions for me, email me, hit me up on the Instagram and the YouTube, and let me know what y'all think about the Chelant dating trend and what you found for yourself. Let me know what you think about Hinge. Tell them to give me a sponsorship. I greatly appreciate it. Partnership, and I would greatly appreciate it. But other than that, new episodes on Thursdays, video episodes on Fridays around the kinky campfire. Your host, HH Julius Marquis. That's all for now. Hello.