What If The Safest Way Into BDSM Is Community First | S5 EP129

You do not need a secret password to find your people, you need a path. We start with the real beginner question: how do you get into a BDSM community without getting overwhelmed, pressured, or pulled into unsafe situations? I share my own origin story, from realizing “regular porn didn’t do it for me” to finding FetLife, discovering events, and finally walking into my first munch. Yes, there’s also a quick mid-day energy drink ASMR moment because that’s how we warm up around the campfire.

We get practical about what actually works for newcomers: creating a FetLife profile, browsing the events tab in your city, and choosing public meetups like munches and sloshes as a safer first step. I explain the difference between a munch and a slosh, why public settings can help you feel safer, and how to show up with an open mind even if your social skills feel rusty. We also talk about the unspoken “probationary period” most kink communities have, where trust builds through consistency and good behavior over time.

Then we zoom out to the bigger ecosystem: local dungeons, how to check venue rules (including sex positive policies and edge play limits), and why learning and consent stay at the center. I break down partner vetting, references, and red flags, plus the reality of roles and “side of the slash” friendships for tops, bottoms, and switches. We wrap with conferences, play parties, and my favorite introvert-friendly hack: volunteering, which gives you a purpose and makes connection easier.

If you’re curious about BDSM education, kink safety, and finding a real kink community, hit play, subscribe, share this with a friend, and leave a review so more people can find the show. What part of joining a BDSM community feels most intimidating to you right now?

Source material - https://www.hotoctopuss.com/blogs/couples-play-bdsm-bondage-bdsm-basics-for-couples-safe-sensual-and-satisfying-ways-to-connect/bdsm-community-how-to-get-involved?srsltid=AfmBOoohdwuli5cBlbTtrPPYRql8YQm9TFH8xehXeWyuVD3FHHq0cvtD

https://obedienceapp.com/blog/entering-your-community-era

1/6/26

1/6/26

Transcript

Welcome And Quick ASMR

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Welcome back everybody to another episode of Around the Kinky Campfire. This is your host, the exquisite one, HH Julius Marquise, or just Julius, with another exciting episode here for you. But before we get into that, you know what time it is. We have to start with ASMR. One second.5 seconds. It's even shorter now. But we actually have an energy drink because it is in the middle of the day, early in the week, and we need our energy. And it's also a school night, so you know, we're always like 50-50 with the adult beverages at that time. But we can put it on camera, even though it's not sponsored. It is sparking ice caffeine, zero sugar, blue raspberry flavor. So let's get ready for this ASMR 1.5 seconds. Because you know, I always run out of time. So let's get into this. Alright, here we go in three, two, one. Whoa, I think I made it to like two seconds there, maybe. Oh, my teeth. Ooh. So sore. Let me turn on my light here so y'all can see me. There we go. A little bit brighter now. Is that better? I hope so. Alright. For y'all on the pod uh forums cannot see what happened, but I did get brighter. So hopefully you check out the new episodes on Fridays, the video episodes. Give them give them old Lucky Lou on the uh YouTubes uh on the Around the King Campfire YouTube page. Okay, so let's get into this. Because I'm gonna run out of time. Y'all already know. Camps is already know, I always run out of time, even though I'm talking fast and trying to get through all these points, always make more notes than is possible, but you know how it is. Okay, so what we're gonna do here is we're gonna talk about getting into BDSM communities. Yay! Okay, BSM communities. How to? First of all, let's start with a little backstory. Why? Why would you, Camstor, get into a BDSM community? Uh, if you're not in there already, if you're thinking about it, for our new people into the alternative lifestyles, this is something we all went through. We didn't start out in kink, kind of fell upon us. I know for me, it was always uh something that I just knew was was there, and I tell people the backstory, and I'm pretty sure I've told it on here a couple of times or on different podcasts, that I got into it because regular porn

Why Join A BDSM Community

SPEAKER_00 2:29

didn't do it for me. Um, I guess I can go into the actual story because some people are newer to this uh uh podcast here that we have educating the alternative lifestyle people, whether you're in it already or just trying to break into it. So basically what happened was regular porn didn't do it for me. So I acquired some um the stuff with the whips and the chains and the handcuffs. It's like, ooh, this stuff looks interesting. Let me check this out. Let's just say I got hooked right away. Oh yeah, didn't take long, and I was like, oh, I found my my place here. And then uh I uh was doing a random Google search for social networking sites, and good old FetLife showed up. And then I went in there, made an account, saw it was free, and I've been hooked ever since. That was over ten years ago. And if you haven't been on FetLife, um go ahead and give it a good old Google search if you don't know what it is, FetLife.com, and go ahead and join the site. There are events among other things, so much other bits and pieces of people that put it all over the place on that website, but there is an event tab on there, and you can go specifically into your city or surrounding area and look for events. I found events that had to do with um that had to do with uh my phone breaks down on me, had to do with education, and these things are called munches. And what happens is that the munches my phone always likes to um crash on me when the podcast starts. Okay,

FetLife And Your First Munch

SPEAKER_00 4:06

so there's things called munches, which I'll talk about in uh when my phone restarts, and it's a social spot. So for me, a munch was actually in the back of a strip club during the day, so there was no stripping going on. I think you could be nude in there because it is a strip club, even though it's during the day. So it's like lunchtime on a Saturday. Went into my munch, uh the area that I had had the munch there uh like one Saturday out of the month, and they always uh sh showed stuff. So a lot of time munches can just be like a social hangout. This one, since what it was in a place where you could be nude, they uh had actual classes and people did demonstrations of kinky activities. Um, you know, those flogging classes, just impact classes. We had a whip expert come in, rope stuff, of course, is pretty much in every um munch uh class at some point in time, and learn stuff and getting the backstory and talking to the people and socializing with people my first few times. I realized they were my people. I was like, this dominant person is teaching a class, and they told their backstory as they were chasing around people and pulling their hair and poking people growing up in school and running away, and I was like, I did that too. I'm with my people. So that's how I got into it. I was I stumbled in it kind of sort of luckily, there's this thing called the internet. Um, I'm sure a lot of people know what the internet is and do research, and that's how they find stuff. I have talked to people that um have friends that know about it, and then they tell them about like Fet Life or something, or go check out a munch, and it's like, oh, you lucky people, because I did not have friends like that until I went into the actual events and stuff and uh started looking around. So I was very jealous of those people that um just had friends that suggested it to them. But once again, it's always the internet, good old internet helping people out, uh finding their niches in life and communities. And I was fortunate enough that um that it just took me a simple Google search. It wasn't even like good 10 minutes, five minutes at the most. And um that is how I got to my first much. So I want to break some steps down to you now that my phone is working again. We'll see how long that works out, and um we'll go over that here. Uh, let's see. So, reasons you get into it is uh once again your friend recommends it to you. Also, you are interested in the judgment-free zone and learning about all the different things that you hear about on Reddit or the Smut Book or a porn, just a porn, that's it. Or, ooh, actually, you might get lucky and go to a party and um not know where you're going, but you probably dress in a sim certain way, or your friends are like, Oh, I've heard you talk about this, so uh come check this out. These are my friends. Uh, and oh, sometimes you stumble on a convention. I know that there are kinky type conventions that happen at hotels, uh allegedly or not. You might experience this as well, where those things happen at hotels, and you're like, What is this? And somebody tells you, Oh, go check this out if you're interested in actually coming next time coming. And so they uh point you in a direction, and you're like, Oh, oh, okay, maybe I am into this. I know there's a certain convention called Smut Lovers that is held in a hotel, and there are people that walk by and had no idea it was called Smut, or they've heard of SMUT and never knew what it was, and they come by and they're like, Oh, what's this uh the convention about? And then you give them the information, and it's like, I'm gonna go check this out. It's like we may or may not see that person again. It's uh very interesting. Um, which I would just say, like future prophesies, future hopes is uh it turns international. I feel like the international community at large, the world itself, needs some smut loving. Uh so just putting it out there since I'm talking about it. Okay, how to get started? First of all, this uh article, of course, I will put the um link into the description. Fingers crossed. I've I've been doing pretty well in the last like two episodes. I got a two-episode streak, and uh we'll see how that goes. But the person here says, make your uh FetLife profile. So again, back to Fetlife. It's really just it's really just the uh how do I say official, safe, reliable, most reliable um internet sites for uh finding events and or people that are not bots or just creepers in general. Um can't really say there's not gonna be creepers or in general at the actual events, but hopefully you find a good community um and it's a good place to start to find that community where the people

Finding Events And Showing Up Safely

SPEAKER_00 8:45

that are I want to I don't want to say the leadership because sometimes those people are fallible too, but it's like the consistent people that go and to these things you will find you and you'll find them, and then you'll have like a safe landing ground to begin exploring and vetting people um that you come across, and hopefully you can find a partner for yourself uh to do the activities with. Um let's see. Okay, so they're talking about like social media and dating sites on here, which I've had success. Um, I've had good interactions with people on social media sites and dating sites when it comes to this type of thing. So I'm not really gonna knock it, but I will say um not as reliable. Let's just say it that way. In comparison, which I really don't like to do, but it's um in comparison, uh easier to find people on like life and even like Facebook. There are some like lifestyle groups on Facebook that um have some kink affiliation. Uh not so much specifically kink on Facebook that I found, at least in the central Florida area, but there are lifestyle people, meaning like swingers, that are uh kink uh adjacent and they they put they post a lot on uh the Facebook as well as um FetLife. Um always want to join a group because uh like I said, you find like-minded people and hopefully people that will um be reliable for you. Um browse through the events and um look at them through your location. So once again, there are munches and they are sloshes. Sloshes differentiate between munches because there's alcohol involved, usually at a slosh, so that's usually at a bar or a restaurant that has a bar. Munches don't have to be there, and then usually, uh at least in my case, not everybody drinks at a munch so much as sloshes kind of like imply, but still you don't have to drink, it's hell, consensual. Once again, people, because consent is sexy. Uh, the amount of opinions and information out there will give you a glimpse of the vastness of the lifestyle, in quotes, because there's so many different lifestyles, and they all use the same phrase, the lifestyles. Like, which lifestyle are you talking about? There's a bunch of them. Uh, okay, so yeah, make sure you keep attending. I will say, um, and I talked about this before, there is a probationary period. Like, no joke, there's actually just like a lot a time, months, years, or whatever it is, where you have to keep coming consistently, and then as you do that, more people will reach out to you because you are safe and reliable. At that point, there's like a little line, invisible line barrier that happens, and it's like, oh, I've made it into the inner circle. And I tell you, I've done that in so many different groups, that is a hundred percent a thing. It's not proven or whatever. Mmm, raspberry. But I will say that it in my experience it is a proven thing. I have experimented with it so many times, and that is usually how it ends up having to having to happen. Uh, let's see. Uh and um, like I said, a lot of times BSM activities don't happen unless you're in a private place where they can do demos and roleplay and stuff like that at the munches and sloshes. But if you get lucky and find a place that does that, then it can't happen. But I will say that usually munches are used to vet people. So if you want to get invited to a private space, somebody's house or something, uh, there's usually what happens is you gotta go to the munch a few times and then they have to be vetted. Usually it's like three in general before people start inviting you to their houses. But don't assume you're gonna get invited. I don't know, maybe you're just that weirdo that just can't make friends the right way, or you're super introverted. You gotta be able to put yourself out there and get out of your comfort zone if you want to get invited to the house parties in general, I will say. Um, also a great place to find potential partners. Um, hopefully, you'll find somebody that wants to do activities with you. Usually there are a lot of new people. I mean, pretty much every month I've gone to, there's always been at least one or two new people, even if it's just like 10 people that day, it's a slow day at the munch. There's still new people that come out there and um hang out. Um, and it is uh, you know, the big factor is it is in public, so it is safer. So even the people that are not there at the munch, you still have um bar staff or restaurant staff that are there to help you stay safe uh in general. Um, I will say that. And for the smaller smaller bodied human people, that is something that they definitely need to work uh look out for. Is so for those people that are smaller bodied, or just you know, um trying to be safe in general, I guess it doesn't matter what your body type is, that it's something to be uh happy about. You don't have to meet people in private or by yourself, I should say. Uh oh um go with like an open mind. So basically go to socialize. I know a lot of us have gone through some stuff over the last five, six years where you weren't allowed to socialize as much. So those skills might be lacking a little bit, like I've talked about many times before. There's a social skills you have to work on them in order to uh be able to use them effectively. Um but then remember, remember, I will say this. I've haven't been to all the different kink communities all over the world or even the country, but I will say most of these people are introverts like you and me, and yeah, and they have trouble talking to people too. So if you're thinking that somebody is not being sociable, it's probably because they feel awkward or they're just um shy and don't know how to reach out to people. So, you know what, just be nice and make that first step. I'm very sure. I'll bet money that it will be greatly appreciated most of the times, not not even like less than 75%. I would say most of the time it is greatly appreciated when you make the first step, just gonna put it out there. Okay, let's see. Um, next thing is uh locating the local dungeon. Um that is something I guess if you have a could a dungeon close to you or you're able to travel to it, whatever your travel um the requirements are, or I'm gonna say boundaries, but however far you feel like travel. I mean, some people travel internationally to go to a specific dungeon. But look for your local dungeon. I will say that it is a great place, and the person that wrote this article will say as well that it is a great place to vet people, also just meet new people in general. Like I said, if you're one of those smaller bodied individuals, it is good to have staff at the specific location to watch your back for you. Hopefully they're doing their job and paying attention. Um, and then also figure out if the space is sex positive or

Local Dungeons And Venue Rules

SPEAKER_00 15:03

not. I will let you know. For me in my case, specifically, my local dungeon that I've been going to for over a decade is not sex positive, it is illegal to have sex there. You can be nude there, but you can't have sex stuff or do sexual stuff there. And I will say that is a blessing in disguise. I was very grateful. Um, when I realized how good that was, I will say at first I made an assumption, it's like, what? I thought all these places were um sex places, but they are not. Some counties do not uh allow that to happen in a public place, uh public business. So that is something that uh may not happen. I will say it help helps to focus on the education and the actual practice of the uh said activity, and that is good to not have that distraction there, because I will say for me, especially when I was first starting out and trying to learn the different things, it was good to uh focus on the actual activity and getting better at it rather than being distracted. Because I mean uh people's private bits are um very distracting in general, so it's good to focus on the actual activity without being distracted like that. Uh and it's good to know it's there, who's in the scene, and any history they come become oh good lord, history. The T, the Kiki. Uh yes, do your vetting of the place itself to see what kind of atmosphere they have. They certain places have different rules, like not sex positive, or you can't make a lot of noise, or like things like edge play, so stuff. Edge play is stuff that is um closer out of somebody's um boundaries or uh safe areas, so you're doing stuff that could be um not as safe uh for certain people, not necessarily physically, but even mentally and stuff like that. And there are places that do not allow that, so you can't push people's boundary in in that particular public business. So that's a thing. Um and also let's see, uh moving on from there is uh vet new partners. So they made a particular point to do uh point this out, but it's like um you should be doing that in general. I know for me I treat dating, um I treat finding a kink partner like I'm dating a person, anyways, because I'm not just a uh kink dispenser, so I need to be in an actual relationship with somebody or a partner that I'm doing kink stuff with. So it's good to vet partners, I guess more so if you're looking for play partners or something more casual when it comes to the kink, which is not me, but is some for um for a lot of people, this is uh a good step to take. Um, and I do meet people online, most of my partners I have met online, and then uh it transfers to in person and it goes like a typical relationship for me. So it's interesting when I hear stories like this,

Vetting Partners And Building Trust

SPEAKER_00 17:42

it's like um yes, ask for references when you're vetting people, or you can just date them. I I just um um that's something that people have to do. So I'm gonna make a point of putting it out there. They wrote it in the article. Uh I've experienced it myself that people kind of need this and um do this in general, it is done. So something that is done. I will say that. And um uh vetting the people is uh something that you should do, and having a group, like I said from the previous point, having a group of community that you have starting from there and then going to find partners, that way it makes it easier for people to vet, because usually somebody in that group will have heard telltale of the particular person. And if they haven't, I would wonder why the person is, because there's a lot of times when somebody has been in kink for a while and they say, I have all this kink experience, but nobody in the city knows who you are. It's like how long you've been here, and nobody in the actual specific community knows who you are. That's a possible red flag right there. So uh hmm, I don't know how that actually works. The how uh because I've not experienced that myself, so that's interesting. Okay, so next point is uh make more friends on your side of the slash. So when we're talking about slashes, we're talking about top and bottom uh roles in uh kink, and you should if you lean more towards one side of the slash or the other. I myself have a top-leaning switch in general, but it does depend on the partner. But switches kind of have their own thing as well, so it's not even on the side of the slash, it's like your role. Um, because if you're leaning more top heavy or you are classified as a top on all those different roles, go find people on the left side of the slash. If you lean more subby in those type of roles, go find more people on the right side of the slash. If you're switched like me, just make friends with everybody, or other switches specifically. Oh man, I do say we are um biased against as a switch, um, and it kind of sucks. And finding more people that are like us is uh good. Um I try to make friends with everybody for like for real, for real, but it doesn't always happen, and then people just kind of like, oh, you're with the switch, making assumptions. Stay away from people that make assumptions. How about that in general? Whatever side of the slash you're on, just stay away from those people, it's ridiculous. Okay, next we have uh BSM conferences. Okay, so BSM conferences and festivals are good to find a big group of people and get education and make um social contacts. I will say, as somebody that does content creation, as y'all are listening and watching, hopefully, uh, there are people that are called guests. Guests, or I could be a guest on somebody's content thing. So that is what conferences are good for me. I know somebody that was going to conferences before the content creation stuff. It's good to like meet white-minded people, um, but being an introvert is like too many people. So I'm great with like a good small group of people and like one or two new people um coming in and out, and then everybody else is pretty much someone I've known for a while. I do better with that. So conventions are hard for me, um, unless I'm like particularly involved, which is another point I'll be getting to here

Conventions Play Parties And Learning

SPEAKER_00 20:48

in a second. Um, but specifically about conventions, um, a huge range of people will be there and you'll find other kingsters. So especially if you don't have an area where there's a big community um on a regular basis, then at least with a convention, you'll find people from all over the place that are um like-minded as you are. Uh it even if you don't even if you don't decide to go, it's good to know what's out there. Uh okay. And then um make education a habit. I'm not gonna go too deeply in that. If you ain't learning shit, I mean, why would you be listening to this podcast in the first place? But there are other outlets, TikTok, YouTube, and other podcasts, and just like articles and Reddit, once again, is uh stuff you should be doing on a regular basis. Do your research so you um can stay safer when you are going out and doing the things. Uh, and then another point here is the play parties again. Usually you have to get vetted, um, or at least know somebody that is hosting or knows the host to get you invited in there. They are mostly have alcohol and sex positive in general. I want to say all of them, but I would want to say all of them, I'll probably be right. Uh good place to play in public, but private. If you get what I'm saying, uh so you'll still have the backup there if you are meeting like doing stuff with somebody new. Also, you can do that. It's easier to do stuff there with friends. Um, in general. I mean, you can do stuff in private, private with friends, but you know, it's fun at a play party too, because you'll be there with friends and you get to do stuff for friends, friends stuff. Okay, and then lastly, we have actually volunteer. So you don't have to just volunteer at a convention, which is but for me is a good motivator to get out to to the convention and actually talk to people. Um arguably the best solution for social anxiety because you have a goal in mind, uh, and you're trying to like accomplish that goal, so you're not just out there in the wild just kind of hanging around with your business out, and uh you have nothing going on. So I don't know for y'all, but for me, I know if I'm just hanging out in a public thing and I got no goal, uh the time like crawls, and it's like, okay, I gotta go soon. I need to do something if I have a goal to accomplish, so I know what I'm there for. Um, and then like volunteering gives you an actual job, so you have to be there for a certain amount of time, and it's not less um crawling.

Volunteering For Real Connections

SPEAKER_00 23:07

Oh man, it's it's so tough. Uh oh, and I'll say with uh not just with the networking part, but you will actually learn some stuff, and since you do um since you do uh actually uh end up having to like work with people because you know it's technically a job, but you you're there for a shift. So there's usually a shift leader, even on the volunteering side, that helps you get organized and you have to talk to the leadership. I know that's how I've made connections is volunteering and then um get in good with the leaders, just be reliable. It's like show up on time do your shifts, it's pretty simple and make yourself available. So that's something that happens as well if you're doing volunteering. It's just so much easier. Oh, just so easy to just volunteer your time and be able to just sit there. Oh, I cannot say how much volunteering is so helpful when I found that little hack for my introvertism when I go when going out. This makes things so much easier as I kick the camera once again. Okay, so that was it for now. Intro to BDSM, very top layer stuff. Um, I can do another episode of where I go into a deep dive of what actually happens when you go into BSM communities, but I mean it's not that much different than any other community. People like to pump it up. It's like, oh, what can I expect to go there? What's gonna happen? It's like you ask all these questions, but just go and hang out. That's the bottom line. You don't have to do anything, show up as you want comfortably, and just go hang out and talk to people. You literally can just go to the place and be like, hey, what's going on? What do you think about this whole entire thing? How long have you been going there? What are you looking for? Like, just treat it like a regular social event, especially if it's like a munch or a slosh in a public place. I could see like a dungeon or something like that, but even then you can still just hang out. Other people will be doing stuff you get to watch. Trust me, I watched for like two or three years without actually doing anything

Go Hang Out And Closing Notes

SPEAKER_00 25:03

there before I actually did something. So you can just go hang out and just talk to people, just go and chill and judgment free zone. Just go um be nice to people, and then you can ask them questions and you learn some stuff. Free free education and experience all at the same time. Quote unquote free. I mean, some dungeons charge a cost to go in, but that's a whole nother thing. Okay, that is it for now. I've obviously run out of time. I went a little bit faster. I got to most of the things I wanted to, but catch us next time on Around the Kiki Campfire. New episodes on Thursdays, uh, audio and video on Fridays, uh around noon ish, I should say that, Eastern. Uh, and I am Julius Marquise, your exquisite host for today. Uh, I'll catch y'all next time. Hello.