What If Sex Ed Taught Risk And Care | S5 EP131

Sex Ed failed a lot of us, not because we missed a diagram, but because we never got the tools to talk about consent, risk, and boundaries when things get real. I’m Julius Marquise, and I’m bringing the kink-informed “health class” I wish existed, the one that actually explains the words people use and the safety practices that protect everyone involved. If you’ve ever felt lost hearing terms like kink, fetish, BDSM, scene, dynamic, or aftercare, this is the roadmap.

We start by defining core kink and BDSM vocabulary in clear, usable language, then move into the stuff that matters most when you’re negotiating with a partner: soft limits, hard limits, and what it means to be a play partner versus an intimate partner. We also talk roles like top, bottom, dominant, and submissive, with a reminder that these are actions and agreements, not automatic personality traits. You’ll walk away with language you can actually use in a conversation before clothes come off.

From there, we get practical about kink safety and consent. I break down RACK (risk-aware consensual kink) and why “do whatever you want” is not a green flag, plus how safewords work in the stoplight system. We also cover nonverbal safewords, check-ins during a scene, and a point people still miss: consent is always revocable, even if you’re deep into it, and tops have consent and safewords too. Finally, we draw the line between consensual BDSM and intimate partner violence, then close with why aftercare is a real need, not a bonus.

If you want better communication, safer kink exploration, and healthier sexual boundaries, listen through and take notes. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs a better framework, and leave a rating or review so more people can find the sex education we all should have gotten.

Source material -

https://wellbeing.jhu.edu/blog/2026/04/29/6-things-your-sex-ed-class-left-out-on-kink-and-consent/?fbclid=IwdGRjcARzV9BjbGNrBHNXwmV4dG4DYWVtAjExAHNydGMGYXBwX2lkDDM1MDY4NTUzMTcyOAABHp6ZF5MPbbQ6LjUT8yE3D4IRyqW9zzkjOCleWFsCfjvIM2ma02UROxlAg_Tx_aem_X_ceIxCKx9sW52cL4zDXcg

https://www.carneliancounselingportland.com/blog/1179566-consent-consent-consent

TEA & CONSENT - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZwvrxVavnQ

1/6/26

1/6/26

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Welcome back everybody to another episode of Around the Kinky Campfire. This is your host, the HH Julius Marquise, or just Julius. I am feeling jovial today. Jovial Julius. Ooh, alliteration. Let's do that. Just decided that right now. Okay, so I have another episode here for you, and I'm gonna dive right into it. Per the usual. We have our ASMR. One second. It's an ASMR. That's the usual part. The time, it varies depending on how cold the drink is. And right now, this drink is pretty cold. And it is a regular beverage. Okay, for all the different things. Just to let y'all know. And we have once again not sponsored the sparkling ice caffeine, one of the staples

Welcome And Cold Drink ASMR

SPEAKER_00 0:50

that we have here. Would love to get a sponsor from this. But this is Blue Raspberry Sparkling Ice, which is absolutely lovely. Let's just go ahead and get started with the ASMR. Five seconds. Let's go over five seconds, shall we? Okay, here we go. Three, two, one. Oh man, I don't even know how long that was, but almost choked. So that time wasn't even the cold. It was the choking. It's always the choking. Just not try to take it straight to the back of the throat. It's not good when you do that. Gotta um warm up the the gotta warm up the throat glands. Okay. Anyways, as we're getting distracted here, we'll get back to the topic. So today's topic is called the sex education you wish you had. Mostly focuses around kink. Okay. Julius is gonna have a little um health uh teacher time with you. I'm gonna teach you about the uh kink parts of uh sex education that I don't know about y'all, but I definitely wish I had when I was growing up. I was like, oh, this is a word, this is a thing we can do. Well, guess what? Julius has got it here for you. Okay, so I'm gonna explain uh how it goes, uh, of course, within the um time limit that I have. Once again, have a lot of notes, have some articles that I will put in the description. Hopefully everything will be all the episodes and stuff will be posted

Why Kink Sex Ed Matters

SPEAKER_00 2:17

at the right times and places. We were going to cross our fingers and hope that, and then these uh uh descriptions will be in the these links will be in the descriptions, the source material. Okay, first of all, let us start with the basics. Once again, we are going to explain what kink and definition is in the fetish definition. Okay, here we go. Kink. Broadly defined as an unconventional, non con non-traditional or alternative sexual interest, fantasy, or practice. It essentially first refers to any desire activity outside the realm of mainstream or vanilla sex. Okay, anything that turns you on, there is an arousal, but not directly having to be sex, okay? Does not need to be the outcome. That is what is considered a kink. Now, fetish is psychological or sexual fixation on an object, body part, or non-sexual activity required for arousal. Required for arousal, thus leading to the sex. Um, but yeah, not necessarily having to do

Kink Vs Fetish Basics

SPEAKER_00 3:13

with sex. It does lead to it. It is requirement. There are things like another living, breathing, legal human I require for to get aroused. Crazy that you have to say that right now. That we are in this day and age of this um time in the world we live in, in this great nation, you have to say legal in breathing. Oh, so bad. Okay. Uh while a cake is a broad preference for non-normative intimate behavior, a fetish is strictly necessary for that person to achieve sexual arousal or orgasm. Yep. Stimulation of the genitals. That's another fetish of mine. Um, which is great. Yep, totally. Um, okay. So we got the basics out of well, we got those two, the main basics that we've talked about. Um, these other ones, I don't know if I no, no, I one of them, but um play is the next one, refers to all activities that occur within a scene. Um that's specifically in the BDSM slash kink space, which is very interesting because I do a little improv and they do a little playing as well, and that is not what they're talking about. No beating of people literally in a uh improv scene, usually. Most of the time it's no. So that part is interesting. Those worlds align. One of these days I'm gonna do an episode of uh Venn diagram of all the words and um definition. Oh no, the words that um are core that are related that happen in both worlds. It's uh very funny. Once again, when I'm sitting in class laughing

BDSM Terms And Scene Language

SPEAKER_00 4:53

to myself, because they're saying stuff like playing and seeing it's like that means something else to certain people. Okay, and then we have BDSM. Of course, we've explained what that one is bondage discipline, um, sadomasochism, and then also dominant submission. Uh, subsets of kink that's center around power exchange and plain play. So mostly the dynamics, um, authority exchange that happens around um the kink stuff. So it's very um more particular uh type deal when we're talking about BDSM. That's more, you know, the rules and the guidelines that you negotiate with your partners. Okay. Kink scene. Another word, that means two different things, and depending on what community you're in. Uh plan kink dynamic or activity in which uh sexual activity may or may not happen. Uh refer to scenes as play sessions. I do like me a good play session with a partner. I tell you what, you talking about play sessions with people that don't know exactly what you're talking about. That is an interesting reaction on those people's faces, but it always makes me chuckle. I like it so much. Okay. Here we go. Kink dynamic, play relationship between play partners during a scene. Um, so we're talking about specifically a kink dynamic, kink dynamic versus just a regular dynamic, which is usually where roles are involved, and there's some kind of negotiation, not necessarily a contract that is involved, with partners who are all consenting and approve or are are cool with the rules, um, rules that you have set forth in that specific dynamic. Um, but that is a uh relationship, the type of relationship. Um the kink dynamics, specifically, we're talking about the the scene or the play session. Uh yep. Okay, and then uh soft limit uh dynamic or activity that someone typically is not willing to engage in, but may consent to during under specific negotiated circumstances. So basically, that is an activity that you do. Um for me, one thing as an example would be anal. I don't necessarily do that with everybody, whether in a scene, uh kink scene, or just a regular old sex scene, um, yeah, that's not something I do with every partner. Oh, um, relationship and or dynamic isn't uh as well. It's not necessarily something I do, but if it's negotiated and consented, terms agreed, and I don't want to say signed away because that seems way too formal. Put your put your blood mark on the pact or whatever. If you're summoning a demon, sometimes you want a demon. Definitely one of those words that means different things to different people. But ooh, sometimes you want to summon

Limits And Play Partner Boundaries

SPEAKER_00 7:34

a demon. Because they do um funny stuff to your business. Uh but yeah, so that's that's one of those things for me. Is uh anal, I don't do that with everybody. But certain people, if they're enthusiastic about it, we can have a discussion. Uh so yeah, those are what soft limits are. Hard limits are the definitely no-nos, dynamic or activity that someone is not willing to engage in under any circumstance. For me, that is intentional, like blood play. Animals, scat, uh, water sports, um yeah, that that kind of stuff. So that's uh very um very no-no list. That is a hard no list. So we will avoid those activities and dynamics whatsoever. Uh okay. Uh play partner, persons with whom one is engaging in a kink scene. Um sometimes, of course, there's always like Venn diagrams here and um crossovers. Play partners could be a romantic partner or a um uh dynamic partner, could be in a dynamic. So it and it could just be straightly strictly a play partner. I know for me, play partners are usually partners I play with in public, and not necessarily I would say generally in public, can be in private as well, but I do not do sexual uh activities. So that is including just grazing of the genitals. We just stay away from those areas. Um we stick to the back of the the mid-area, not necessarily the top of it, or at least there's some clothing that is on as well. So complete nudity is not a thing I do with plate partners either, but to each their own. Um also used as a relationship label for someone a person is engaging in a kink with on an ongoing basis, but net may not be dating, whatever that means to you, may or may not include sexual activity, like for my instance, a top term for the person who is in control of the scene andor activity. Um, I will say if you read this article, some of these definitions were changed by moi, um, just to make them a little bit more updated. I'll just say, in my opinion. Um, so top and bottom, um, we know that our actions are not necessarily a particular label. So top is somebody that's in control, bottom is the one relinquishing control in a scene. Um, but of course, that is an umbrella, those are two umbrella terms because those are actions, not necessarily just a label or a role that somebody is doing. It is the taking control or giving up control um positions. Okay, dominant BSM specific umbrella for the uh persons who wields control and steers the dynamic um

Roles Like Top Dom Sub

SPEAKER_00 10:23

can be dom or doma, depending on your gender representation. Although I would argue let's just do non-binary with everything. Why does it need to be two different things? Just put dom dominant for everything, and then submissive, just like submissive, you don't say sub A. A sub submissive A, a submissive O. Um BSM specific umbrella for the person who surrenders control within the dynamic, and then it goes by sub as well. So it's like, why why are we why are we doing gender-specific terms for the dominant? Weird. Uh intimate partner, anybody you're emotionally vulnerable with. Um, for me, it's definitely proximity. I wouldn't be cuddling somebody that is not an intimate partner, whether I'm in a dynamic with them or not. That's just probably something I wouldn't do. Intimate um physical closeness equals uh intimacy, as far as I'm concerned. So you should explore that for yourself. I know I've had to test that out, is a word. I've had to try that out, see how it feels to me. And like after all these years of being in the kink community, this is something I've uh realized with myself is the physical intimity as well as emotional vulnerability is something that ties in with an intimate partner specifically. Um, I will say that. Okay, vanilla, pejorative adjective for non-kinky sex or non-kinky person. What is vanilla now, though, nowadays? Like, if you want to go with the technical definition that they have, it's like missionary position with only your genitals touching. That's is what's vanilla nowadays. If anything else is touching besides your genitals, that is not vanilla sex. So take that as you will. Uh, safe word, pre-negotiated word that when uttered or communicates when someone's limits are being approached, um, can possibly end the scene. Um you should discuss that. Most of the times people just have the one safe word, but for those of us in the Central Florida area, I would say most areas, um, not tested, I'm just assuming that the stoplight system is in effect. So those are three different safe words that you can use, mean different things. Um, as we know,

Safewords And The Stoplight System

SPEAKER_00 12:30

green means go, just like when you're in traffic, the stoplights, yellow means hey, hold on, it might have to stop. Let's do a little check-in, and red, of course, means stop. Everything. So you have three different levels to go with there. Um, when you're talking, uh, especially with somebody that's more experienced with the um the safe words and kink play. You should definitely uh check in and make different words for yourself. I know for me, just the stop license. I've been using it for so long, they're in my subconscious now. So if I hear those words, then I don't care what I'm doing. I definitely will um perk up. I'm like, what am I doing right now? I have to like check with myself. Am I doing kinky things to people? Oh, that's somebody else talking about their favorite color or something like that. Um, but yeah, and then some people just have uh just one safe word where it's just like everything stops. Uh I will say safe words and let's see here. Uh soft limits. There's some of these that cross over into the quote unquote vanilla world. It's like, you know, if you're being annoying or talking too much in general, can I have a safe word for that? So you just stop? That'd be great. I need a mute, I need a live mute button. Just hit the mute button. Get this person to stop talking my ear off about randomness that I don't care about. Anyways, aftercare. Pre-negotiate care that occurs after a scene is done. Uh let's see here. Care can include drinking water, cuddling, uh, reassurance, bath, eating food. So, all those are different examples of aftercare, coconut water, pudding cup. Uh, those kind of things. So snacky. Um, some people have blankies that they need. I will say that aftercare, um, the person in the article, I do remember this when I was taking my notes, say the person that is the top in the scene should be doing it. That is not always the case. There are multiple times, especially in the public place, where somebody will have an aftercare partner, so it would not necessarily be the the person the top in the scene um that is doing the aftercare, but you should definitely negotiate that ahead of time. If that person is not a partner of the person or like a romantic partner of the person, uh when I'm talking about that person, I'm talking the top, may not necessarily be that person's romantic partner or intimate partner, then that if that romantic partner is there, they can administer the aftercare while the play partner or just I don't know, pick up pick-up play partner. So I will say the difference between play partner and pick-up play partner is the pick-up play partner might be temporary for that day or night, whereas a play partner is usually an ongoing thing. And a lot of the times, um, from my experience, that will not necessarily be the one giving the aftercare. So just a note for if you do check out the article, the uh author does say that um there is a a difference there, uh, especially if you've um had experience in a public space before, which is interesting to see. I myself prefer not to do that. If I'm topping somebody, then I feel like aftercare should be given. But for me in general, I only top uh my partner partners, romantic partners, independent partners, whatever you have to say. We do the sex things too. So there's that. Um I will say that is a um a ting that happens. Okay, so I'm thinking about all the different situations that that it has varied, but in general, that is for me. I prefer to do the aftercare if I am topping somebody in a scene. Okay. We have completed the definitions, and we only have half our time left, which is hilarious. Um, okay, we'll try to get through the next few points. That was one point out of six. We are a fifth of the way done with half our time. Okay, let me stop lollygagging here. Point number two. The contemporary framework for safety protocols engaging is now RAC, but there are a lot of different acronyms. So PRIC is another one, flick is another one, but we'll talk about RAC because it's definitely one of my favorites, and one of the ones that the author here brought up is that stands for risk-aware consensual kink. Um, the keyword there is consensual. You are informed of the risk you are taking, which makes you aware of that, and then you consent to it. So risk aware, you're aware of the risk, and you consent to it, which does uh entail kink. So it's risk-aware kink that you are consenting to. Being well-informed about the potential risk and benefits to all domains of well-being, mental, physical, social, and fine, ooh, financial. Yeah, there's fin

RACK And Doing Your Research

SPEAKER_00 17:04

doms out there, is crucial to one's ability to give and receive kink. One is expected to do research. Ooh, quotes expected. If you are risk if you are saying you are risk aware, I yeah, that is definitely an expectation that you have done your research. Ooh, and I know for me, I which is highly debatable, but I will test people that I'm um doing the stuff with. You better know the terms and definitions of what you are asking for. Nothing worse to me, in my opinion, than somebody's oh, you can just do whatever you want. That's like, oh, bring out the nipple golf clubs. We're stringing people up. Ooh, that sounds terrible. We're we're tying people up by their toenails. Like, what are you nipple suspension is a thing. Like, what whatever you want? No, do your research. 100% being judgy of people that don't do their research right now. This is ridiculous. What are we doing right now? Okay, oh, we made it to point number three. Consent is ever fluctuating and always revocable. Don't you wish you had a sex education teacher or health teacher teaching you these things when you were in high school? It's like before I go out into the world and get my jollies off. I would have loved to know what these terms and acronyms and words were. Consent? Consent? I am a millennial. I'm an early millennial. Damn near generation X. I didn't know what consent was when I was growing up. You didn't learn about it until I was like 20, almost 30, really. Consent. Huh. Boy, you better be glad you got people like oh, Dr. Julius here. Researcher, Professor Julius here to teach you those kind of these kinds of things. Oh my

Consent Is Revocable Always

SPEAKER_00 18:49

good lord. Okay. Consent is ever fluctuating, always revocable. Always revocable. Let's just say that again. Always revocable. You can do it. God damn, you're like 80% done with the scene. You can reduce you can um revoke consent. Oh boy. Oh yeah. Okay. That's hotly. Oh man, that's a hot topic. I just want anybody to know that is new to kink. If anybody tells you you can't have consent or you can't have safe words or something, do not do anything with that person. Leave immediately. Pull the eject button. Jump out of the airplane. Right then and there. One must check in with one's partners throughout any kink scene and negotiations. Because consent is revocable. One way to do so is through negotiating safe words, which can be used at any all times. The stoplight system we talked about before, and I talked about what they were. It's important to negotiate with play partners, what each color means within each dynamic or scene. Once again, that is like the blanket umbrella term play partners. So if your play partner is just your play partner, or if your play partner is any other type of partner. Dynamic, romantic, whatever it is, it still counts. For that particular session, they are play partner, and you should negotiate what's going on. Even if you're talking about consensual non-consent, which somebody had an episode about. You should go check that out. There's still safe words in C and C. If the bottom or submissive cannot verbalize during a scene, negotiate a non-verbal safe word. Oh, those are good. Good old sensory defurbation. Or you just have a gag in your mouth. You can't really speak words, even if they're like three letters. Well, it doesn't necessarily have to be a gag in the mouth, but their mouth is in that instance occupied. Let's just say that. That's something that happens. You let's just say their mouth is at that time occupied. Some people like to hold like a tennis ball, so if you um need to say a safe word, but you can't, then you can drop a um a uh tennis ball or uh racquet ball or something. That way you know, oh, maybe I should do a little check-in. And then also um uh just uh doing this with your hands if your hands are free. If your hands are free and your mouth

Nonverbal Safewords And Check Ins

SPEAKER_00 21:05

is occupied, then you start wiggling your toes. Um I would just have something if you can't hold on to a ball, something that falls off or makes a noise, that's always great. Uh that way you the top in the scene knows that is do a check-in at that point in time. Um I would say for me for the most part, mouth-free is always good just so communication can happen. Also, I um one like to keep grounded by doing check-ins throughout the scene just so everybody's comfortable. And two, I'm a big mindfucker, so if the person cannot mm verbalize, I know that usually that's a good thing. Um and and if they're going nonverbal, which we did not explain, I'll explain later. That's more of an advanced term. Then when they do verbalize, that usually means, oh, probably should do a check-in at that time. They've come back to reality. Reality.

unknown 21:59

Um

SPEAKER_00 22:00

Okay, common nonverbal save word is to drop an object. Talked about that. Okay. Tennis ball is great. It makes a noise and it doesn't really do damage. It's very light, so people can hold on to it. I will say like a stress ball is also good. A racquet ball, um a little bit smaller, just not as good grip depending on what's going on. Sometimes your hand, your palms get sweaty. You could be in a stressful situation where you are in a predicament that you um might need to concentrate a little bit much and you don't always have control of what your hands are doing. I was just saying also stress ball is also good because sometimes people need to squeeze and pull stuff. And if you already got something in your hand, you can squeeze very hard. That's always good. And you when you drop it, it's like, oh, okay. Couldn't concentrate anymore. Okay, I got a few um minutes here to go over three more. I'm halfway done. Um oh, I'll just say consent is important for tops too. Let's just say that. Dominants and tops can have so can have um well, whatever it is. Left sided slash people, tops, dominants, masters, whatever it is, can have consent as well, and also they can have safe words. So if the top needs to stop a scene, they should be able to say a safe word as well and end the scene. Um that is a hundred percent something that can happen. A top can have a safe word too. Let's say that right now, one more time, just so everybody knows. That is 100% a thing that can happen. Ah, okay, critiques. Let's see. Uh let's see. Okay. Uh a want, will, and won't list. Also um good for soft limits or hard limits. Um, but these are things that you actually want that are necessary. Um, for me, biting of booty is something I need. Um doesn't there doesn't necessarily need to be hard, but a good nibble. If I have a partner that has a has an ass, it doesn't even need to be a super nice one, just needs a booty. I show interest in them by biting the booty. That is something I need that is on my um will list. Um, but a won't list is not necessarily hard limits. There is a little bit of difference there. I really don't have a difference there. Um, but there's just certain things that's just like icky. Um, and that's the only real difference between uh

Want Will Wont Lists

SPEAKER_00 24:22

a won't list and a hard limit. Um, but yeah, the want and the will are the will could be like a safe uh soft limit list, but then it doesn't necessarily have to do specifically with um sexual activities or kinks necessarily, but uh definitely should check out what you would want in a relationship. I know some people have trouble with cuddling as well, so that would be a a weird thing for me. They want all the different things, but it's just like no cuddling afterwards, we go our separate ways. And it's like, oh, okay, um, sure. Hmm. Yeah, that that kind of thing. Uh okay, uh, let's see here. One enthusiastically desires is a want list, a will list, willing to engage in under specific circumstances, and a won't list what one is not willing to engage in under any circumstances. This list can serve as a foundation to negotiate consent for a scene. Um can't be completed alone or with a uh oh, they can be completed alone or with a prospective uh play partner. So yeah, I will say like inviting a an extra party into the dynamic or relationship probably could be uh something in there because it's not necessarily a soft limit, it's just like, oh, I would be interested in that if all the circumstances were in there. Okay, quickly, one last thing. Kink and BDSM are not intimate partner violence. So IPv, uh pattern of abuse behavior used by an intimate partner to gain and maintain power and control over the intimate uh partner. So I will say the difference between Kink BDSM versus IPV is that it is a willing participant consent. That is the biggest thing, informed consent, personally prick, personally responsible, informed consensual kink. Personally responsible, you are informed as well. So along with rack, there's prick, and that is the thing that is different between IPv and Kink BSM, with a lot of people do not realize is that it is consensual, so you are consenting to this enthusiastically. Anything

Kink Is Not Partner Violence

SPEAKER_00 26:27

but an enthusiastic yes is a no, and consent is revoked. So big thing about IPv is that you're doing it on a non-consenting person, they have to do it whether they like it or not. I just want to point that out, okay? So that is why it kink and BDSM is not IPv. While it may seem that one play partner is in Kinksy has all the power and control, the performance of the dynamic has been carefully pre-negotiated with safety and pleasure in mind. There's a big difference. Aftercare should be both pre-negotiated and adjusted as needed in the moment. I will say that is a big thing when it comes to kink scenes. Uh, aftercare is kind of paramount. Um, there are times and I have friends that don't do aftercare during a scene. I will say they're probably doing it themselves. That is just, I don't, I don't know. I don't I don't want to judge people for that because everybody has their own um kind of thing going on, but oh man, I'm a big fan of aftercare in general. I don't care if it's um just uh good old quote unquote vanilla sex. There should be some kind of aftercare afterwards. And just to let y'all know, ain't no sex with me, 100% vanilla. Uh even by the technical definition that I gave you. But yeah, teacher on, but yeah, aftercare, if you need aftercare, you should be saying that that is something that is not really negotiable, not a non-negotiable for me. So if you um are a person, not not speaking about me specifically, just a person in general, and you need the aftercare, go out and get that aftercare. Don't let somebody guilt you into not doing it. If you just you need aftercare after a scene at any point in time, I'm saying any point in time after the scene, if it even if it's a light scene to you, or to hard scene, whatever your definition of the scene is, and you need aftercare, go ahead and get you that aftercare. It is a red flag if the person is not into that. Oh, terrible. Uh okay. So that was it. That is your sexual sex ed uh class with your health teacher, Julius, um, the kink version, wish you never had. I hope you enjoyed it. I know for me, I wish I had that. Oh my god, I wish I would have had that. Like I said, consent would have been nice to know when I was in high school. Uh oh, it's funny, but it's not funny. It's kind of sad. Let's reform these sex ed uh bullshit. You know, some states in America don't even have sexual education, the whatever the the the bullshit they they were pondering on people, which is ridiculous. Absolutely is not a form of sex education. Stupid. Oh, I could go on a rant on that as well. But I won't do that because I've run out of time. This is your jovial Julius, the host of Around the Kinky Campfire. New episodes, audio version on Thursdays, video version on Fridays, most of the time. But check the YouTube for when those episodes drop. Um be sure to like and comment and um on the videos or rate the videos if you're doing it like Spotify or iTunes or something like that. And yeah, definitely comment and um subscribe to the YouTube channel if you're not around the kinky campfire. That is all for now. I'll speak to you, see you maybe next time. Hello.