Reddit AITA For Kinky Relationships | S5 EP 139

Somebody on Reddit is always asking, “Am I the asshole?” but the better question is usually: where did consent get replaced by pressure? I’m Julius, and I’m bringing three alternative relationship and sex questions to the campfire with zero sugarcoating and a lot of care for the people getting pushed past their limits.

First up, we dig into a messy polyamory moment with a nesting partner and a friends with benefits. If you bought sex toys and kink gear to explore together, then hit a rough patch and took a break, what happens when your partner wants to use that gear with someone else, especially when you never used it together? We talk ownership, emotional meaning, the “gift” reality, and what you can actually do that is a true boundary instead of a rule.

Next, we tackle the classic “you did it with your ex” argument, including sexual history interrogation, jealousy, and the kind of guilt that turns a relationship into a negotiation you never agreed to. I break down why “no” is a complete answer, why boundaries are personal, and why moodiness and love bombing are not the price of admission for dating someone inexperienced.

We close with a question that should not be controversial: is asking for more foreplay before intercourse somehow wrong? We talk arousal, comfort, mutual pleasure, and the bigger relationship problem behind partners who shut down when you ask for what you need.

Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs a backbone boost, and leave a review with the strongest boundary you’ve ever had to defend.

Source material -

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1pp1k6c/aita_for_feeling_uncomfortable_if_my_np_uses_sex/

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITApod/comments/1rl2ht1/aita_for_not_doing_freaky_things_ive_done_before/

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1nwgye2/aita_for_asking_for_more_foreplay_before/

1/6/26

1/6/26

Transcript

Welcome Back And Campfire Vibes

SPEAKER_00 0:51

Welcome back everybody to another episode of Around the Kinky Campfire. This is your Umikidus. We'll start with the U's. Why not? Ultimate Uber Uber host, Julius Marquis. I'm here with you today for another episode. As y'all know, we're here at the Round the Kinky Campfire, focused on alternative relationships and also answering questions from people. This time it's the Redditors. We'll see how that goes. But before we get into that, and I actually say what the podcast is about, we are going to have a drink because it is the ASMR. Five seconds at this point. But uh we are once again drinking a non-sponsored drink. This is uh aka Diet Dr. Pepper, aka uh the off-brand diet Dr. Thunder. I don't know why they went from pepper to thunder. Shouldn't it be Dr. Salt at that point? Anyway, off-brand. Here we go. Oh man, yeah. Mm-mm. Let me know in the comments or wherever that uh what you think about Diet versus Zero. I'll say that as I sniffle because the allergy season is killing me again, so I apologize for my voice and nasal passages being all clogged up and runny. At the same time, mucus goes down the back of my throat. It's great. Uh let me know your opinion of diet versus

Diet Vs Zero And Microplastics

SPEAKER_00 2:16

zero, and then also plastic versus metal. I'm definitely one of the zero and metal people. I think it does there is a difference between, first of all, diet and zero. Aspartame for the win, and then also metal bottle, metal can versus plastic bottle, because something happens when the air when the sunlight can hit the sugar drink, that some and then the can taste and the residue from that. Also, microplastics. I think micro metals funnel through the body than the plastics do because apparently they just stay there the whole time. I don't understand. Whatever. Warm water that's been out in the sun. Delicious. Also, do your part. Save the water. Trap water is a thing. Make sure you empty out your water bottle before you throw it away. That water stays in there for centuries and eons. Um, trapped water is a thing. Support your oceans. Anyways, however that goes. Okay, so let's get back to the episode. Before I run out of time, as per the usual, you know how Julius does. I am the host, Julius Marquise here. I don't think I said that before. Around the king of campfire. Yada yada yada. Make sure you review and like and subscribe and all that stuff. Okay, so it's that time of year. We gotta go to the Redditz. Ata! This is the ATA episode. Everybody does it, and we're gonna do it here too. Am I the asshole? A hole. Whatever it is, what

Why We Are Doing AITA

SPEAKER_00 3:41

platform we're talking about. But y'all know, Am I the Asshole? People ask questions, they want to know if they're the asshole. Jump straight to the end. Yes, you're the asshole. No, that's not always the true, but most of the time it is. Okay, let's get into the first story here. And of course, they're all going to be alternative lifestyle themed, because that's what kind of podcast we have. Uh, this one right here is uh let's see, kinky? Sexy, just just sexy stuff. Okay. Am I an asshole for feeling uncomfortable if my nesting partner NP uses sex toys, I buy with others before me? Ooh, great question. Great question. Um, use the sex toys. They did say bought. They didn't say used. That would be gross. Um, hey, kinky friends. Uh just because it's sex toys, I guess that means it's kinky. Just seeking some advice. My MP and I have hit a rough patch. We decided together that taking a break would benefit us. We've built a wonderful life together and don't want to throw our history away

Toys Bought Together Used Elsewhere

SPEAKER_00 4:41

over some difficult times, but we agreed to step back emotionally and sexually for a bit. Uh we both we are both free to play and pursue other connections, and my nesting partner has a friends with benefits. I'm comfortable with the dynamic at the moment, but I have strong feelings about her using sex toys and kink gear that I purchased for her and myself to explore together. That sounds like a gift there, bud. Uh some of these items have remaining unused have remained some of these items have remaining unused, remained unused, for many years, but now she wants to use them with her friends with benefits when we've never used them together. Okay. First of all, there's a question after that, but I'm gonna stop right there. You bought them together. She has them now. That sounds like a gift. And per brother of the law, because I am, of course, an uh unlicensed lawyer, uh, that's a gift, so she can do whatever the hell she wants with it. Also, there's probably a reason that was unused for some reason. Um, I know I've been many men in many relationships and have had toys that were bought while I was with that particular partner and not used, uh, even like years afterwards, still sitting there, probably. So I will say that uh yeah, there's nothing you can really do there, bud. That is a that's technically a gift, and uh who cares? All that stuff in there, like would you use that with somebody else? I know for me, yeah, I still have stuff that was unused, but especially if it's considered a sex toy, I probably just gonna throw that away. Um, used or unused. Like a I don't know, like a butt plug set or something. It's like I'm not gonna like take all the residual X energy and put it into somebody's asshole, somebody else's asshole. Like, even if it's my asshole. It's like all that energy is going up in your ass. Because I believe in that stuff. Spiritual person, not religious, but spiritual, there's a there's a woo-boo attached to that, and there's X energy in there that needs to be uh just throw it away or donate it. Some people donate it. Um, I I would say if it's still the original packaging, you can donate to somebody, I don't know, dirty bingo or something like that. Uh, there's not really like a kinky goodwill. There are some dungeons that do um swap meets. I don't even know how to explain that. There's regifting of toys. Um, if it's unused, I'm all aboard for it. Even if it's used and clean professionally, I still I wouldn't buy it. But to each their own. If you have uh stuff that didn't get used, I've taken um kink toys from people, and I'm like, did you use this? And it's like over clothes. I guess I would do that, that'd be fine. Um, but yeah, yeah, uh, there's not really uh so you're not really an asshole, but you are uh shit out of luck, buddy. And then um if they want to use it together, if she wants to use it, you're on break. I definitely be like, that's y'all now. I don't want anything to do with that. So we would have to buy new toys for us to use. I'll tell you that right now. But yeah, sex toys, definitely get that juju out of there, whether it's used or not. If it's used, I guess there's no question, but you did say it wasn't used, so that makes sense. Um, am I overreacting to wanting a boundary about this? Ooh, that's not that's not boundary, that's a rule there. So uh I feel like it shouldn't be a problem if it's only toys, but only part of me fears a growing resentment over this topic. Um yeah, so my thing is if you care that much, then you should keep the toys for yourself. Again, it's like would you use those toys on friends, your friends with benefits? Like, what are we doing here? Uh there's nothing, there's nothing you can do. This uh I when I looked this up, I was reading through it real quick, and then now it's like I'm I've actually read it to y'all uh camsters, and um I'm like, wait a second, this doesn't make any sense. First of all, it's a it's a inanimate object. So I understand you have like ooh, we went to the thing and we bought it together, and then we just threw it in the drawer and forgot about it. It's uh there's a reason that wasn't used. So maybe look into that part. Why didn't you use it after all those years? Did opportunity not come up, or was vibes always weird? Like, there's there's nothing you can do now. Just let them let let her put it in his butt or her butt or whatever, whose ever butt it's going in consensually. It's uh nothing you can do now. Okay, open and shut case. Uh also I have a problem with the boundary question. That's that's a rule. That's not a boundary. Boundary would be for you, so you ain't there when they're using the toys in each other's butts. Uh, so that's a rule. You can't rules are not good. Rules versus boundaries. Boundaries are for yourself, rules are things you you put on other people. And uh unfortunately, like I said, you ain't there, so you ain't got no say there, bud. So not the asshole, but you ain't wrong. You ain't wrong. You ain't right. You is in the wrong. Can't do anything about that. Oh, why is it so hard to read?

Rules Vs Boundaries In Practice

SPEAKER_00 9:38

I love that sometimes it's in dark mode and then other times it's in light mode. Weird ass Reddit. I'm on the website, not the app, by the way. Uh, okay. Question number two. Atta. Who's Atta? Uh for not me not doing freaky things I've done before with my current boyfriend. First of all, I love when people try to take a past relationship and be like, Well, you did it for them, you should do it for me. It's like you a whole different person. This is a whole different situation. Yesterday was yesterday, and today is today. I'd be damned if somebody be like, Oh, you did that before. How long ago was that? If it was older than yesterday, then I'm a

Pressured To Repeat Old Kinks

SPEAKER_00 11:41

whole new person. I don't give a damn what you think. So, eh, there's that. Plus, it's a whole different relationship. I don't do the same thing in my old relationship I do in my new relationship. That's weird. I don't even do it that with partners. Each person is a different, whole different situation. Oh, my nose. Uh, okay. I, 26F, that means female, recently got into an issue with my boyfriend, 29M, that means male, of six months. Things have been fine with us, but he is very inquisitive about my past experience sexually. I have tried to move the conversation away from it and said I just don't really want to get into it. But he says I'm putting up too many boundaries, and he just wants to get to know me. Um, first of all, again with the boundaries thing. This is gonna come up a lot if you know anything about Redditor, Reddit, and you're a Redditor like myself. Uh, first of all, you can't say somebody else has too many boundaries. Again, boundaries are personal, so if that's their boundary, you can't force them to bring that down. Uh yeah, they should uh have a conversation with themselves. Um but uh guess what? You can't do anything about that. So there. Putting up too many boundaries. Yeah, motherfucker. Keep bringing it up. I'm gonna put some more boundaries up. I I have a boundary against people that say I have too many boundaries. How about that? Especially if I'm dating them. Ugh. Uh let's see here. Uh I have tried to move the conversation to me. Now, to be clear, this isn't all in one day. It's over the course of time. It's not like he's on me all day trying to find stuff out, but he will just bring up every now and again. That's still bad. That's you try to throw a qualifier in there. Oh, he's not that bad. Yeah. If you have to say that, then that's bad. Uh the truth is that he is much less experienced than me. Oh, poor guy. And so these conversations tend to go to her for place for him almost immediately. Oh, oh, you poor thing. You have no experience. So what? We all were there at some point. Don't guilt other people and try to gaslight them. He wanted to know if I had done some kinky stuff and I had shut him down several times, but eventually admitted that I had tried these things with an X. There's really no need to go into the details, but that stuff is significantly off the normal path that I have to be honest. I have zero decide to try again. Oh! Even better, she's enforcing her boundaries. Ha! What does he do now? There's like half of the other half that we're halfway through that, but it's like she clearly said she was not comfortable with what happened before. So don't even ask anymore. How about that, guy? Uh okay. Of course, now that he knows I've done this stuff, he is now wanting to do it with me too. She literally said zero interest. And I'll just let you know. Um, first of all, as y'all know, I put the links in the description of the podcast, but she clearly wrote out zero and capitalized every letter. So this guy. There are multiple examples, but the biggest one is why didn't you do threesome with another girl? I told him it was an experiment, and the experiment taught me I don't want to do it again. Now he's saying that that's not fair, implied I love my previous ex more than him. Wow, he's just guilting. Um, this is so I I can't even wait till the end of the article to be like, this guy's an asshole. Ask ass hole, ass hole, arsehole. He's an arsehole. Um, and just like an uh experienced Redditor, a lot of these people that post these things in the comments um they specifics say, I know you guys come say break up with him. But uh yeah, break up with him. This is too much. Like you had literally forced a boundary, and then he completely like pouts about it and acts like a little bitch. So, doesn't make any sense that you're still with him. Now, I will say that as it being as an experienced person that was previously and an inexperienced person, did y'all get that inexperienced was in isperienced, but now experienced in either way, is that um yeah, we've all been there. It's like, oh, you did it with this uh you want some more experience, and it's like, oh yeah, doing that stuff. But if the person you're with clearly establishes a boundary and they're not comfortable with it, then guess what? You're not even shit out of luck, it's a no-go zone at that point. That's a no-go. And the person that is enforcing the boundary, you should be like, hey, I told you once, and if you're that type of person that tells them a second time, I give people two chances. But after that, and a discussion, and you keep pushing past that, it's like we don't need to talk again for the rest of the day, month, year, probably forever at that point. Because yeah, don't be pushing my boundaries. And I understand, she's in her 20s. I was in my 20s at one time. I didn't know what boundaries were when I was in my 20s. So the fact that she actually said it um in the article means she knows what it is. So she's a way, she's a couple decades ahead of me in that point. That's not even a joke, sadly. Uh I'm still trying to figure those out. Like I said, I'm right down here with y'all. I'm not above y'all trying to be like, oh, I'm a podcaster, I have these opinions, and you should listen to what I say. Nope. I'm right down here. I'm telling y'all, I made these mistakes before, and I'm still learning. So we're still down here learning. I'm right here with y'all. I'm just a nerd and knows all the labels and definitions and shit. Because that's how I need to do. Okay. Oh boy, this sucks. This really sucks for her. Okay. I'm starting to feel guilty and bad. He's oh, oh, honey, honey, girl. You don't need to feel bad or guilty. Fuck him. He says that I am really special to him. Uh oh god, gaslighting. Oh, let's love bomb. And he deserves a chance to explore too. Well, go on and get your rocks off. I might or will definitely not be here when you come back. And he deserves it. This is what this wasn't regarding the threesome, but other stuff. I told him I just didn't really like it, and it was just stuff I did drunk in college, and I don't want to be like that anymore. He's accepting it, but been moody, of course. He's a little bitch. He's gonna pout about it. He doesn't seem to enjoy normal sex as much anymore either. This has me feeling really awful and confused. I'm generally attracted to him and love him, but I feel like that he's a nice guy who is relatively inexperienced and not my problem to fix. Uh, Ada, no, you are definitely not the asshole. So says Julius. Um, but there is a point where if he wants to get his jar rocks off and he just had a late blooming session, then he needs to just go on and do that. Looks like without you, according to you. If you're over that and it was a drunk phase for you, then go find somebody that's past that point as well, that wants to have regular old normal vanilla sex. Uh, if he's trying to do that, explore that with you, and that's not within your um safety parameter, then y'all don't need to be doing that stuff. Um I kind of don't like I I just hate it. It's really annoying when people like, but I love you. So the fuck what? We all got a love for a lot of people. I am polyamorous, I have multiple partners, I have love for a lot of people. I have a proven track record. I will tell I have references. I literally can just text them and be like, yo, tell this person how we do it. So, like the the whole thing, oh yeah, you'll have many loves. Trust me, it happens. Happened for me even when I didn't know what I was doing, and now I have even more loves now that I know what I'm doing. There's naive naivete, this bullshit of like, ah, I love him, so the fuck what? You'll have more people. So that's the only part you're an asshole. You're inexperienced for. Not an asshole, though. 100% not an asshole, except for that little bit. Don't be with somebody that pushes your boundaries. Okay? Now I understand if you explain

Guilt, Love Bombing, And No Means No

SPEAKER_00 19:24

it to them, they don't know what boundaries are, whatever. They're inexperienced, but the fact that he's being a little pouty bitch is no no nothing for you. You don't have to teach anybody. You shouldn't be having to teach your partner shit. So the fact that you question that and then he's making you feel guilty, that's double. I there's so many strikes here, is beyond three strikes. He's been out for so long now. Um, he can't come back. Sports analogy, uh, he can't come back into the game, as it were. If anybody knows about baseball. Okay. Looks like I actually have enough time to do three. Okay, so I'm gonna get to this other one, but I I'm upset right now by that last one. I really just want to reach through the phone and be like, hey girl, I'm gonna shake you real quick. If your partner, boyfriend, whatever, is uh making you feel guilty off of some bullshit like that, uh, and you gotta go to the internet to ask the question, and you ain't got nobody in your life that's telling you that's stupid. I'm so sorry for you. I want to give you a virtual hug. Um I didn't catch her throwaway account anyway. Um apparently he checks Reddit. Uh so damn, that's so that's so sad. That's terrible. But like I said, we've all been there. At least you know what boundary is. Good on you. Like I said, 20 years ahead of me. Oh, that hurts. Okay, third article, Ada, for asking more foreplay before intercourse. Oh my, we've never heard this before. I 35F, female. Shocking that she's the one asking this question. So typical. And married with my husband, 48M for male. There's a 13-year gap there. For three years now, we have a beautiful relationship. We are like best friends and love each other a lot. Related to sex, I can say we have our good moments and not so good. Most of the time, it most of the time is super boring sex. Ooh, that's rough. And we had had sex in weeks. I'm a diamond person and love uh take, love take my time. Love take my time, and doing kingy and open minded stuff, more like tantric sex. While he's quite conservative and monotone, I feel like only does it to satisfy himself and he has no interest in pleasing me. Okay, so I have a take as a mostly serial dater and had no thoughts of getting married in the first place. Also, aspectrum. I'll just say this as somebody that know doesn't know what they're talking about when it comes to marriage. Um, but my question always is why the fuck wouldn't you check that out before you got married to somebody? I don't I don't get that. Now, like I said, aspect person, so sex isn't everything to me, but I still am sex positive and think sex is fun. And love connecting that way with a partner, or partners in my case. Also, I gotta say, I do it for their pleasure, so there's another thing too. But it's like you're gonna be with this person forever. That's the only sex you're gonna have if you're a monogamous person that believes in marriage. Why would you figure that out in the first place? Like, why would you be with somebody that doesn't like to be bottom or is bored into boring sex? I don't get that. I don't understand. Somebody, please tell me in the comments or something, let me know what is the point of that. Okay, uh, let's see. I accept my physical desire for him has decreased to the Yep, yeah, but I do have a lot of lovely reasons to stay with him. The other night we were cuddling and catching a movie and watching

Foreplay Is Not Optional

SPEAKER_00 22:59

a movie, and out of the blue he just put his dick out, put his dick out, and wanted to be inside me. I told him in a playful and sexy way that I needed more foreplay because uh I wasn't wet enough, and he just stopped, turned the other side, and told me I was an AH and fell asleep immediately. I just wanted to be more stimulated before I'm not a freaking plastic doll. And it probably would have hurt if he just goes inside while I was dry. Everybody asshole in this situation. Obviously, lady, you ain't no asshole in this situation. Like take what's yours too. Like, if you feel in it, just take it. He was like, Oh, you wanted it before last night. Nah, I'm gonna turn you on and spank your ass first. Like, do all that shit. There's a little give and take negotiation. As y'all know, Julius likes to negotiate everything, so there should be some of that as well. If he wants to be that way, then you get to do a lot some of the stuff you want. There's a give and take there. Oh man. That's just uh that's so infuriating. It's like, how many times are we gonna have the same question over and over again? Foreplay is important. There's some of us that present masculine most of the time and still like a very a lot of foreplay. I'm here for the foreplay. Julius is here for the foreplay. I'll just tell you that right now. So definitely not the ass hole. Ask Askhole, arsehole. Uh, just to let y'all know. That's um, how many times are we gonna have to do this? I just learned recently uh because I was watching a podcast and uh Jiggolo was talking, he'd been doing it for years, that there's like plenty of women that have been married for a couple decades and just never had an orgasm. Like that's still happening. I mean, I know it's still happening, but why? Why? I don't understand married people. Somebody tell me what's going on. I'm so confused. Uh, why get married to the with the why? Okay. Anyways, all right, I ran out of time. I could just ramble about that whole entire subject all all the time because I don't get it, because obviously, not that that that choice, not that direction for my life, I should say. Uh okay. So let me know if you like the Ata uh question answerings uh that a lot of people do. I know it's kind of played out if you're on the internets, but I enjoy doing because when I see those episodes, I'm yelling at my phone, and that's I have a podcast. So let me talk to y'all, campsters. You let me know what you think. Um email me, uh comment below on the YouTube, and then also in the Spotify in the iTunes and all the different things that this podcast is on. New audio episodes on Thursdays, video episodes on Fridays, and check out the social medias. Thank you all that check it out and hopefully like all of it and everything like that. Uh really enjoy it uh putting myself out there. Y'all heard from the 2026 mid year review, whatever. You heard it all. All right, that's it for now. This is Julius Marquise, the Uber host around the kinky campfire. Hello.