Transcript
[0:00] Music.
Introduction to It's an Inside Job podcast
[0:09] Welcome back to It's an Inside Job podcast. I'm your host, Jason Liem.
Now, this podcast is dedicated to helping you to help yourself and others to become more mentally and emotionally resilient, so you can be better at bouncing back from life's inevitable setbacks.
Now, on It's an Inside Job, we decode the science and stories of resilience, into practical advice, skills, and strategies that you can use to impact your life and those around you.
Now, with that said, let's slip into the stream.
[0:37] Music.
Introducing a New Solo Pilot Series
[0:46] Well, welcome back to a new week and welcome back to It's an Inside Job.
I'm your host, Jason Liem.
This week, I'm going to be kicking off a new series and this series is going to be a series where it's just going to be me as a solo pilot.
But before I introduce the series, let me give you some background.
So, over the last few years, I've collected several common mindsets from my coaching practice with clients from a broad spectrum of life and society.
These collections of mindsets are soberingly ubiquitous and commonplace.
Unfortunately, these mindsets spring from self-critical voice.
That we all carry around. I think we all know this voice.
The one that suffocates our self-confidence, invigorates our self-doubt, and fills our heads with silly, ruminative thoughts.
[1:35] Now, I've gathered them into a format called the Contrarians Playbook, the common mindsets ignored by resilient people.
So this series is going to be delving into the Contrarian Playbook.
It's going to be pulling out the different plays that non-resilient people tend to focus on and I want to do a deep dive by sharing the client that I worked with, again, not the specific name or person, but a pseudonym, looking at the knowledge and then the lessons learned.
Play #11: External Validation, The True North
[2:04] And hopefully you can pull something from this play and be a contrarian yourself, and to avoid falling into the common mindsets that many of us do fall into.
So in this episode, I'd like to dive into play number 11, and I've called it External Validation, The True North.
So now let's slip into the stream and explore the contrarian viewpoint.
[2:26] Music.
Fulvia's Struggle with Seeking External Validation
[2:36] So let's kick off this episode by introducing my client, Fulvia.
Of course, that is not her real name.
Fulvia, a talented marketing manager, was entrusted with launching a high-stakes campaign for her company.
The pressure was immense, and she sought validation from her colleagues and superiors in every step along the way.
She meticulously crafted her strategy, hoping for their approval and receiving mixed feedback.
This constant cycle of seeking external validation left her feeling overwhelmed and doubting her decisions.
Our coaching sessions began with exploring the idea of inner approval.
Through our sessions, Fulvia understood that her self-worth shouldn't hinge on others' opinions.
She delved into self-discovery, identifying her core values, strengths, and unique qualities. This introspection became her compass, guiding her decisions with authenticity and confidence.
Embracing Inner Approval and Making Aligned Choices
[3:35] The turning point came when Fulvia encountered a pivotal decision point in the campaign's development.
Instead of seeking immediate validation from her colleagues, she stepped back, evaluated the situation through her newfound self-awareness, and in turn embraced her inner approval.
She made choices aligned with her values, regardless of potential criticism.
[3:59] As the campaign unfolded, Fulvia encountered challenges and setbacks typical of marketing. However, her approach had shifted.
Rather than seeking validation after a hurdle, she turned inward for reassurance.
She acknowledged her accomplishments and progress, independent of external praise.
This internal validation was a wellspring of confidence, enabling her to weather uncertainties with a steady resolve.
Evolving Interactions and Genuine Connections
[4:27] Fulvia's interactions with her team also evolved.
With her newfound authenticity and self-assurance, she fostered more genuine connections.
She provided support without compromising her well-being, recognizing that her value wasn't tied to others' opinions.
Even when facing constructive criticism, she received it with openness.
[4:53] She filtered the feedback through her values and her aspirations.
By personally tailoring Play 11 from the Contrarians playbook, Fulvia transformed her professional journey. story.
She no longer felt compelled to fit into molds defined by others.
Instead, she embraced her unique narrative and approached challenges with more resilience.
As her campaign concluded, she celebrated her accomplishments not based on external accolades, but on her own cultivated internal approval.
Celebrating Accomplishments Through Internal Approval
[5:27] Her inner approval. Fulvia's story is a testament to the power of seeking validations from within.
Through self-discovery and the practice of inner approval, she navigated the intricate landscape of her career with authenticity, confidence, and an unwavering resilience.
Her journey into shifting her mindset highlights that by prioritizing internal approval, individuals individuals can move beyond the cycle of seeking external validation, and in doing so emerges truly resilient.
[5:59] Music.
Fulvia's Journey: Shifting to Inner Validation
[6:07] So now let's look at the knowledge behind this play.
Now, in the dynamic landscape where external opinions and societal expectations often sway, well, Fulvia's journey exemplifies the power of shifting to inner validation than just to external validation.
Now, as an experienced executive coach, I've witnessed how the contrarian approach to resilience guided Fulvia toward a more profound shift, urging her to shift her focus inward and cultivate a more robust sense of inner approval.
[6:41] Fulvia's story underscores the impact of seeking validation from within, rather than perpetually seeking external affirmation.
You know, in a world where approval-seeking can trap us in a cycle of perpetual discontent, Fulvia's resilience blossomed when she grasped that her true foundation lay within.
Self-Discovery and Introspection: Unleashing Fulvia's True Foundation
[7:02] She navigated the complexities of her career with a newfound understanding that her self-worth is rooted in her judgment, grounded in a deep awareness of her values, her strengths, and definitely her distinctive qualities.
The essence of play number 11 unfolded as Fulvia embarked on a journey of self-discovery and introspection.
Through our sparring sessions, I guided her through practices that cultivated self-awareness and self-compassion. Things I've talked often on this podcast.
Now, through the process, she learned to validate her accomplishments and decisions.
Unburdened by the sway of others' opinions, this wellspring of self-assuredness enabled her to maintain confidence despite the unpredictable tides of external circumstances.
Fulvey's transformation underscores her choice to disregard the constant need for validation from others.
[8:01] This shift unlocked a path to authentic growth and a more accurate understanding of herself.
The Contrarian Perspective: Filtering External Input through Values
[8:07] She gracefully sidestepped the emotional rollercoaster that often accompanies seeking approval.
It's essential to clarify that the contrarian perspective isn't about dismissing constructive feedback or isolating herself from others' viewpoints.
Instead, it's about filtering external input through the lens of one's own values and aspirations.
In her relationships, Fulvia's evolution was evident in her healthier dynamics.
She was armed with the wisdom of inner approval. She offered genuine support to others without compromising her own well-being.
She understood that her value was distinct from the ever-shifting opinions of others.
This allowed her to foster authentic connections. And this transformation, well, it equipped her to face criticism and setbacks with more resilience.
She was free from the emotional turmoil that would have once derailed her.
Now, Fulvia's narrative echoes the invitation of this contrarian approach, to release the shackles of conformity and embrace the power to author her own narrative.
With inner approval as her compass, well, Fulvia made choices aligned with her values and stood firm in her uniqueness.
[9:21] Through this shift, she also encountered life's challenges with an unwavering sense of self-worth, a true sense of authenticity.
It is truly a testament to the power of taking the contrarian interpretation of Play 11, and that is to cultivate inner approval, and not to solely rely on external influences.
[9:41] Music.
Lessons from Fulvia's Journey: Seeking Internal Validation
[9:51] I'm in no doubt there are a number of lessons that we can pull from Fulvia's journey.
You know, as an experienced coach, I've had the honor of accompanying many professionals through their outstanding growth.
Fulvia's story, well, it embodies the core of making healthy changes.
In a world that often fixates on external opinions and societal acceptance, well, Fulvia's experience is a testament to the power of turning inward for validation and cultivating authentic resilience.
As a top-notch marketing manager, Fulvia faced the daunting task of launching a high-stakes campaign for her company.
Expectations bore heavily on her shoulders. It compelled her to seek validation from colleagues and superiors at every juncture.
In the pursuit of approval, she meticulously shaped her strategies, yearning for commendation, only to be met with a mixed feedback that sowed the seeds of her own self-doubt.
This unceasing cycle of craving external validation left her feeling overwhelmed and questioning her every decision.
Shift in Perspective: Authenticity and Inner Approval
[11:00] Our collaborative coaching journey commenced with exploring the concept of her inner approval, guided by our sessions, while fully embarked on the road of self-discovery, uncovering her core values, strengths and her unique qualities.
Now this process of introspection became her compass. It guided her choices with a newfound authenticity, a newfound strength in her own self-assurance.
This pivotal shift reframed her perspective, enabling her to view her self-worth as independent of others' opinions.
And I think this is key for any of us to learn.
Fulfill arrived at a pivotal moment when she confronted a critical juncture in the campaign's development.
Instead of hastening to seek validation from her peers, she took a deliberate step back.
She reflected, she became self-aware, and armed with a newfound self-awareness and her inner approval, well, she evaluated the situation through a lens of authenticity, making choices in alignment with her core values, regardless of the potential criticism.
Decoupling Self-Assurance from External Validation
[12:09] Now, as the campaign unfolded, Fulvi encountered challenges and setbacks inherent to any marketing campaign. However, her approach had fundamentally transformed.
Rather than her constantly seeking external validation, she turned inward to validate her own accomplishments and its progress.
What does that mean? Well, she decoupled her self-assurance from external praise.
And it's just that, it's the decoupling where the real strength lies.
Now, in this wellspring of internal validation, it bolstered her confidence, enabling her to confront uncertainties with more confidence.
Furthermore, Fulvia's interactions with her team underwent a remarkable metamorphosis.
Rooted in authenticity and self-assuredness, she forged genuine connections without compromising her own well-being, recognizing that her value wasn't contingent on others' opinions, while then she could offer support without diminishing her own strength.
Now, even in the face of constructive criticism, well, she embraced it with more of an open mind, filtering the feedback through a prism of her own values and aspirations.
[13:24] By embracing her insights, Fulvia experienced profound change in her professional trajectory.
She outgrew the confines of societal molds, embracing her own unique narrative with resilience, with equanimity.
As the campaign approached its conclusion, well, she no longer tied her sense of accomplishment, her sense of self-worth to what?
To external accolades, but to the internal validation she had nurtured, that she had cultivated during our conversations.
Now, Fulvia's narrative echoes the contrarian call to seek validation from within.
Through self-discovery and the conscious practice of inner approval, well, she transverse the complex terrain of a career path with, again, authenticity, confidence, and an unwavering resilience.
And I think it's those three things, again and again and again.
Authenticity, confidence, and resilience.
[14:23] You know, her journey underscores the significance of prioritizing internal approval over the incessant external affirmation.
This enables us, enables individuals to transcend the cycle of seeking validation.
[14:37] And what? Well, to emerge as generally resilient professionals.
And at the end of the day, isn't this what we all want.
I mean, I can connect this to social media. I mean, social media serves a lot of good things.
There's a lot of advantages to it, but then we've heard it ad nauseum, the dark side, the downside of social media.
You know, it's infused into our culture, the thumbs up type of response that we're looking for.
You know, we put it in a post and it's quality of that post is how many thumbs up we get, how many likes we get. And I think this is a kind of a slippery slope for many of us.
So the contrarian playbook is just this, seek internal validation, find your own locus of control and make sure that locus control comes from the inside.
And again, it's not to say to ignore external feedback or what other people say, but it's not to put all your eggs in that basket.
It is not to base your self-worth just only on what other people think of you.
It's important for us to be part of a team and to hear feedback and constructive criticism and to take that on board.
But at the same time, we need to balance it with our own internal sense of approval.
[16:03] And with age, for most of us, we can do this, but regardless of age, many of us do still struggle with this. So my advice to you is to take the contrarian viewpoint, to use the contrarian plan.
[16:17] Music.
Traps of Validation Seeking and Dependence on Others
[16:30] So what I'd like to do now is to create a concise summary, like I do when I've written the the Contrarian Handbook, the take-home insights.
So the first one is this, it's the traps of validation seeking.
Now resilient individuals acknowledge that there are pitfalls of constantly seeking validation externally, and these are the pitfalls they try to avoid.
That's the dependence on others' opinions or weighing our self-worth based on those opinions.
The self-doubt, the sense of inadequacy.
You know, prioritizing inner approval fosters a more stable foundation, a mental foundation.
Now the second take-home insight is this, it's what I call the balancing act.
In the case of Fulvia, her relentless pursuit of validation led to anxiety and second-guessing. Transitioning to inner approval allowed her to celebrate achievements as well as embrace room for growth, her learning curve.
The fourth take-home point is turning setbacks into catalysts.
Fulvia's pivotal moment of realization stemmed from a challenging campaign that shook her validation-centric approach.
She began to realize that setbacks actually act as catalysts for transformation and self-discovery, Again, to learn, to grow, to develop.
Shift in Perspective: Embracing Imperfections and Prioritizing Inner Growth
[17:51] The fifth point, well, it's a shift in perspective.
[17:55] Embracing inner approval necessitates acknowledging imperfections and understanding that genuine growth, well, it thrives from without constant external validation.
[18:06] The sixth point, well, that's nurturing the growth mindset.
Now, the growth mindset, it propels individuals to prioritize progress over what?
Perfection. It encourages us to learn from our experiences.
It allows us to view setbacks as stepping stones and to celebrate the small victories, not always just crossing the final finishing line.
The final take-home point is what I call essential principles.
Fulvia's journey urges us to explore the pursuit of external validation.
It underscores the significance of cultivating a growth-oriented mindset, embracing imperfections, and elevating progress as the cornerstone of resilience.
[18:48] Music.
Introduction to the Contrarian Playbook
[18:56] Well, folks, I hope you enjoyed that first episode of this new series where I'll be running solo talking and pulling lessons or the plays from the contrarian playbook.
And again, that's a collection of different mindsets that I've picked up over the years from clients that these mindsets are ubiquitous and commonplace. But unfortunately.
[19:21] They seed self-doubt and they crush self-confidence. And so to understand this is to understand from other people's experiences.
And sometimes hopefully we don't have to go down that rabbit hole, that we can learn the lessons that others have experienced.
But also that the stories that I share, that it's to show that these are normal mindsets that we all can, suffer from, that we can all be plagued by and that you and I are not specifically weak or broken, that it is kind of commonplace.
But it's through these stories that we can learn from others and we can learn from ourselves to create more resilient mindsets.
And that's the whole point. The contrarian is to take the opposing common view of the mindsets that we fall into.
The Non-Sequential Presentation of the Playbook
[20:08] And so as we move forward through the year, as I share more of these episodes, I'm not going to present the playbook in any sequential order.
I want to pick out those plays that we all suffer from but that I feel are the most important at the point of recording and share that with you.
If any of you are interested in the Contrarian Handbook, let me know and I'll connect you with it. It's just a document I put together.
It's almost a form of a book but it's not a book.
It's just a document I pull to write my articles and to to create these episodes and to share individually with my coaching clients.
[20:49] So anyways, I will stop there. I've been talking a lot now and I know you guys have got more important things to do coming up.
So thank you for allowing me to be part of your week and and to share some of my musings and experiences that I've had with clients over the years. So thank you for that.
And as I do most weeks, if you could take the time, you'd be doing me a big favour if you could recommend this to two friends, two colleagues, two family members.
It goes a long way to rank this podcast in the categories that it's ranked.
And I appreciate it. It allows me to reach more people and to share the stories and skills of resilience, equanimity and well-being.
Well, until next week, keep well.
